Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Pilot

Vol. 1 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Catch every single line from the Dunder Mifflin Scranton crew in the episode that started it all. From Michael showing off his "World's Best Boss" mug to Jim's first Jell-O prank on Dwight, you'll find the full script right here. It's the best way to track down those classic quotes about downsizing or Pam's "special" filing cabinet.

Scene 01

5 lines
Michael Scott
All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Jim Halpert
Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...
Michael Scott
So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
Jim Halpert
Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.
Michael Scott
All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
(on the phone) Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. (quick cut scene) All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. (hangs up) That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... (Clears throat) So that's the way it's done.

Scene 03

9 lines
Michael Scott
I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam Beesly
Well. I don't know.
Michael Scott
If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. (growls)
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
Any messages?
Pam Beesly
Uh, yeah. Just a fax.
Michael Scott
Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.
Pam Beesly
You haven't told me.
Michael Scott
It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." (shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug) I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(singing) Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum (Imitates heavy drumming) I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum (Imitates heavy drumming)

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.

Scene 07

11 lines
Michael Scott
Whassup!
Jim Halpert
Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
Michael Scott
Whassup!
Dwight Schrute
Whassup!
Michael Scott
Whass...up!
Dwight Schrute
Whassup.
Michael Scott
(Strains, grunts) What?
Jim Halpert
Nothing.
Michael Scott
OK. All right. See you later.
Jim Halpert
All right. Take care.
Michael Scott
Back to work.

Scene 08

1 line
Jan Levinson
(on her cell phone) Just before lunch. That would be great.

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. (walking out of his office) Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.

Scene 10

22 lines
Jan Levinson
Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael Scott
Um... Me no get an agenda.
Jan Levinson
What? I'm sorry?
Michael Scott
I didn't get any agenda.
Jan Levinson
Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.
Michael Scott
Really? I didn't... (looks at Pam) Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam Beesly
Uh, yeah, the one...
Michael Scott
Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Pam Beesly
You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
Michael Scott
Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.
Jan Levinson
Do you want to look at mine?
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.
Jan Levinson
OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.
Michael Scott
OK...
Jan Levinson
Michael, don't panic.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.
Jan Levinson
No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.
Michael Scott
All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
Jan Levinson
I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Michael Scott
OK. No problem.
Jan Levinson
This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.
Michael Scott
Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?

Scene 11

11 lines
Michael Scott
Question. How long do we have to... (Telephone rings) Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan Levinson
Go ahead.
Michael Scott
Packman.
Todd Packer
Hey, you big queen.
Michael Scott
Oh, that's not appropriate.
Todd Packer
Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael Scott
Uh, I don't know what you mean.
Todd Packer
I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael Scott
Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.
Jan Levinson
So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.
Michael Scott
No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. (zips his lips) Like that.

Scene 12

2 lines
Phyllis Vance
So what does downsizing actually mean?
Stanley Hudson
Well...

Scene 13

1 line
Oscar Martinez
You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing.

Scene 14

2 lines
Angela Martin
I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, it'll be you.

Scene 15

4 lines
Pam Beesly
I have an important question for you.
Jim Halpert
Yes?
Pam Beesly
Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Scene 17

8 lines
Michael Scott
Hey.
Ryan Howard
Hey.
Pam Beesly
This is Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott
Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Ryan Howard
Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.
Michael Scott
Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.
Ryan Howard
Yup.
Michael Scott
Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! (hold hand up for a high five) Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. (Yelling in cod German) I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. (Continues with cod German)

Scene 18

2 lines
Pam Beesly
I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.

Scene 19

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim Halpert
It's not on your desk.
Dwight Schrute
It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Dwight Schrute
You can't do that.
Jim Halpert
Why not?
Dwight Schrute
Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim Halpert
(crosses fingers) We'll see. (Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone) This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight Schrute
Downsizing?

Scene 20

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Scene 21

8 lines
Pam Beesly
You just still have these messages from yesterday.
Michael Scott
Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. (Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect)
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.
Pam Beesly
Don't we all?
Michael Scott
I'm sorry?
Pam Beesly
Nothing.
Michael Scott
If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. (Sighs)

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. (Imitating a PA) Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

Scene 24

12 lines
Michael Scott
Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.
Dwight Schrute
I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
Michael Scott
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight Schrute
OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?
Michael Scott
I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.
Oscar Martinez
Can't you just tell us.
Dwight Schrute
Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?
Michael Scott
You don't know what it is. (Laughs)
Dwight Schrute
OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.
Michael Scott
I don't need your permission.
Dwight Schrute
Go ahead.
Michael Scott
Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.

Scene 25

1 line
Ryan Howard
I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.

Scene 26

17 lines
Oscar Martinez
Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael Scott
Not gonna happen.
Stanley Hudson
It could be out of your hands Michael.
Michael Scott
It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.
Stanley Hudson
Can you promise that?
Dwight Schrute
On his mother's grave.
Michael Scott
No.
Phyllis Vance
What?
Michael Scott
Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.
Stanley Hudson
It's just that we need to know.
Michael Scott
I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
Pam Beesly
I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Man
Are you sure about that?
Michael Scott
Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight Schrute
Pam, information is power.
Stanley Hudson
You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?
Michael Scott
No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.

Scene 27

1 line
Jim Halpert
If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... (Laughs)

Scene 29

8 lines
Michael Scott
Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.
Ryan Howard
What's up? Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott
Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael Scott
Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight Schrute
Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.
Michael Scott
That's his profit.
Dwight Schrute
New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.

Scene 30

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Damn it! Jim!
Michael Scott
OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight Schrute
He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Pam Beesly
(Laughing)
Dwight Schrute
That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

Scene 32

15 lines
Michael Scott
What is that?
Dwight Schrute
That is my stapler.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world (turns to camera) which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Dwight Schrute
OK you know what, you can be a witness. (points to Ryan) Can you reprimand him?
Jim Halpert
How do you know it was me?
Dwight Schrute
It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael Scott
Discipline. Kinky! (Laughs) All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim Halpert
OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael Scott
(Laughing) Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Ryan Howard
You should've put him in custardy.
Michael Scott
Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Dwight Schrute
OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.
Michael Scott
Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Scene 33

10 lines
Jim Halpert
Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.
Pam Beesly
So when are we going out?
Jim Halpert
Tonight, hopefully.
Pam Beesly
OK. Yeah.
Roy Anderson
Hey, man.
Jim Halpert
What's going on?
Roy Anderson
Hey, baby.
Pam Beesly
Hey.

Scene 34

1 line
Pam Beesly
Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.

Scene 35

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
Roy Anderson
No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.
Pam Beesly
OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.
Jim Halpert
You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.
Roy Anderson
It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, yeah.
Jim Halpert
Um... What's in the bag?
Roy Anderson
Just tell her I'll talk to her later.
Jim Halpert
No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.

Scene 36

1 line
Jim Halpert
Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? (scratches head)

Scene 37

20 lines
Michael Scott
So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. (Knock at door) Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?
Ryan Howard
All right.
Michael Scott
Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...
Pam Beesly
You got a fax.
Michael Scott
Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam Beesly
What? Why?
Michael Scott
Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam Beesly
Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael Scott
Post-it Notes.
Pam Beesly
Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?
Michael Scott
50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Are you serious?
Michael Scott
Yeah. I am.
Pam Beesly
I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.
Michael Scott
But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
(Pam starts crying) You been X'd punk! (Laughing) Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.
Pam Beesly
You're a jerk.
Michael Scott
I don't know about that.

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

Scene 39

20 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Jim Halpert
How are things?
Pam Beesly
Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...
Jim Halpert
Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?
Pam Beesly
It's better, thanks.
Jim Halpert
Good. Good.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
That's great
Pam Beesly
Is...?
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Um... Are you...
Jim Halpert
Am I walking out?
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Yes, I... Do you want to...
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Great. Let me just...
Jim Halpert
(Car horn honking) Oh, Roy.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. (looks at camera) You know what, just come here.