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Season 1 Episode 1

Every line from The Office episode "Pilot", season 1 episode 1.

Michael Scott: All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...
Michael Scott: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
Jim Halpert: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.
Michael Scott: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.
Michael Scott: (on the phone) Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. (quick cut scene) All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. (hangs up) That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... (Clears throat) So that's the way it's done.
Michael Scott: I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Well. I don't know.
Michael Scott: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. (growls)
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: Any messages?
Pam Beesly: Uh, yeah. Just a fax.
Michael Scott: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.
Pam Beesly: You haven't told me.
Michael Scott: It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
Michael Scott: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." (shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug) I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.
Dwight Schrute: (singing) Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum (Imitates heavy drumming) I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum (Imitates heavy drumming)
Jim Halpert: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.
Michael Scott: Whassup!
Jim Halpert: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
Michael Scott: Whassup!
Dwight Schrute: Whassup!
Michael Scott: Whass...up!
Dwight Schrute: Whassup.
Michael Scott: (Strains, grunts) What?
Jim Halpert: Nothing.
Michael Scott: OK. All right. See you later.
Jim Halpert: All right. Take care.
Michael Scott: Back to work.
Jan Levinson: (on her cell phone) Just before lunch. That would be great.
Michael Scott: Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. (walking out of his office) Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.
Jan Levinson: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Michael Scott: Um... Me no get an agenda.
Jan Levinson: What? I'm sorry?
Michael Scott: I didn't get any agenda.
Jan Levinson: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.
Michael Scott: Really? I didn't... (looks at Pam) Did we get a fax this morning?
Pam Beesly: Uh, yeah, the one...
Michael Scott: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Pam Beesly: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.
Jan Levinson: Do you want to look at mine?
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.
Jan Levinson: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.
Michael Scott: OK...
Jan Levinson: Michael, don't panic.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.
Jan Levinson: No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.
Michael Scott: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
Jan Levinson: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Michael Scott: OK. No problem.
Jan Levinson: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.
Michael Scott: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?
Michael Scott: Question. How long do we have to... (Telephone rings) Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Jan Levinson: Go ahead.
Michael Scott: Packman.
Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen.
Michael Scott: Oh, that's not appropriate.
Todd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael Scott: Uh, I don't know what you mean.
Todd Packer: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Michael Scott: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.
Jan Levinson: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.
Michael Scott: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. (zips his lips) Like that.
Phyllis Vance: So what does downsizing actually mean?
Stanley Hudson: Well...
Oscar Martinez: You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing.
Angela Martin: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, it'll be you.
Pam Beesly: I have an important question for you.
Jim Halpert: Yes?
Pam Beesly: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.
Michael Scott: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Ryan Howard: Hey.
Pam Beesly: This is Mr. Scott.
Michael Scott: Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.
Michael Scott: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.
Ryan Howard: Yup.
Michael Scott: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! (hold hand up for a high five) Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. (Yelling in cod German) I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. (Continues with cod German)
Pam Beesly: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
Jim Halpert: Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: What?
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Jim Halpert: It's not on your desk.
Dwight Schrute: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Dwight Schrute: You can't do that.
Jim Halpert: Why not?
Dwight Schrute: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim Halpert: (crosses fingers) We'll see. (Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone) This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Dwight Schrute: Downsizing?
Dwight Schrute: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Pam Beesly: You just still have these messages from yesterday.
Michael Scott: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. (Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect)
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.
Pam Beesly: Don't we all?
Michael Scott: I'm sorry?
Pam Beesly: Nothing.
Michael Scott: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. (Sighs)
Michael Scott: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. (Imitating a PA) Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.
Michael Scott: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.
Michael Scott: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Dwight Schrute: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?
Michael Scott: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.
Oscar Martinez: Can't you just tell us.
Dwight Schrute: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?
Michael Scott: You don't know what it is. (Laughs)
Dwight Schrute: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.
Michael Scott: I don't need your permission.
Dwight Schrute: Go ahead.
Michael Scott: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.
Ryan Howard: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?
Michael Scott: Not gonna happen.
Stanley Hudson: It could be out of your hands Michael.
Michael Scott: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.
Stanley Hudson: Can you promise that?
Dwight Schrute: On his mother's grave.
Michael Scott: No.
Phyllis Vance: What?
Michael Scott: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.
Stanley Hudson: It's just that we need to know.
Michael Scott: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.
Pam Beesly: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.
Man: Are you sure about that?
Michael Scott: Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, information is power.
Stanley Hudson: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?
Michael Scott: No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.
Jim Halpert: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.
Pam Beesly: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... (Laughs)
Michael Scott: Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.
Ryan Howard: What's up? Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Introduce yourself. Be polite.
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael Scott: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight Schrute: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.
Michael Scott: That's his profit.
Dwight Schrute: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it! Jim!
Michael Scott: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight Schrute: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Pam Beesly: (Laughing)
Dwight Schrute: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.
Dwight Schrute: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.
Michael Scott: What is that?
Dwight Schrute: That is my stapler.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world (turns to camera) which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Dwight Schrute: OK you know what, you can be a witness. (points to Ryan) Can you reprimand him?
Jim Halpert: How do you know it was me?
Dwight Schrute: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael Scott: Discipline. Kinky! (Laughs) All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Michael Scott: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim Halpert: OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael Scott: (Laughing) Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Ryan Howard: You should've put him in custardy.
Michael Scott: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.
Dwight Schrute: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.
Michael Scott: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.
Jim Halpert: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.
Pam Beesly: So when are we going out?
Jim Halpert: Tonight, hopefully.
Pam Beesly: OK. Yeah.
Roy Anderson: Hey, man.
Jim Halpert: What's going on?
Roy Anderson: Hey, baby.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.
Pam Beesly: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
Roy Anderson: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.
Pam Beesly: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.
Jim Halpert: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.
Roy Anderson: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, yeah.
Jim Halpert: Um... What's in the bag?
Roy Anderson: Just tell her I'll talk to her later.
Jim Halpert: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.
Jim Halpert: Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? (scratches head)
Michael Scott: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. (Knock at door) Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Michael Scott: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?
Ryan Howard: All right.
Michael Scott: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...
Pam Beesly: You got a fax.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam Beesly: What? Why?
Michael Scott: Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam Beesly: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael Scott: Post-it Notes.
Pam Beesly: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?
Michael Scott: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I am.
Pam Beesly: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.
Michael Scott: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: (Pam starts crying) You been X'd punk! (Laughing) Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.
Pam Beesly: You're a jerk.
Michael Scott: I don't know about that.
Michael Scott: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Jim Halpert: How are things?
Pam Beesly: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...
Jim Halpert: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?
Pam Beesly: It's better, thanks.
Jim Halpert: Good. Good.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: That's great
Pam Beesly: Is...?
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Pam Beesly: Um... Are you...
Jim Halpert: Am I walking out?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Yes, I... Do you want to...
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Great. Let me just...
Jim Halpert: (Car horn honking) Oh, Roy.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. (looks at camera) You know what, just come here.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 1 season 1. Pilot is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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