Scene 015 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...Michael ScottOpen quote: So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (on the phone) Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. (quick cut scene) All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. (hangs up) That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... (Clears throat) So that's the way it's done.
Scene 039 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well. I don't know.Michael ScottOpen quote: If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. (growls)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Any messages?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh, yeah. Just a fax.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You haven't told me.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
Scene 041 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." (shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug) I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.
Scene 051 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (singing) Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum (Imitates heavy drumming) I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum (Imitates heavy drumming)
Scene 061 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.
Scene 0711 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Whassup!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.Michael ScottOpen quote: Whassup!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Whassup!Michael ScottOpen quote: Whass...up!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Whassup.Michael ScottOpen quote: (Strains, grunts) What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nothing.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK. All right. See you later.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right. Take care.Michael ScottOpen quote: Back to work.
Scene 091 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. (walking out of his office) Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.
Scene 1022 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um... Me no get an agenda.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What? I'm sorry?Michael ScottOpen quote: I didn't get any agenda.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? I didn't... (looks at Pam) Did we get a fax this morning?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh, yeah, the one...Michael ScottOpen quote: Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Do you want to look at mine?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael, don't panic.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.Michael ScottOpen quote: All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK. No problem.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.Michael ScottOpen quote: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?
Scene 1111 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Question. How long do we have to... (Telephone rings) Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Go ahead.Michael ScottOpen quote: Packman.Todd PackerOpen quote: Hey, you big queen.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, that's not appropriate.Todd PackerOpen quote: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, I don't know what you mean.Todd PackerOpen quote: I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. (zips his lips) Like that.
Scene 122 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: So what does downsizing actually mean?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Well...
Scene 142 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, it'll be you.
Scene 154 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I have an important question for you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.
Scene 161 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Scene 178 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: This is Mr. Scott.Michael ScottOpen quote: Guilty! Guilty as charged!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.Michael ScottOpen quote: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yup.Michael ScottOpen quote: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! (hold hand up for a high five) Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. (Yelling in cod German) I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. (Continues with cod German)
Scene 182 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
Scene 1911 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's not on your desk.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You can't do that.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why not?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (crosses fingers) We'll see. (Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone) This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Downsizing?
Scene 201 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Scene 218 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: You just still have these messages from yesterday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. (Imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Don't we all?Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm sorry?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nothing.Michael ScottOpen quote: If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. (Sighs)
Scene 221 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. (Imitating a PA) Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.
Scene 231 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.
Scene 2412 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.Michael ScottOpen quote: Assistant to the Regional Manager.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Can't you just tell us.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?Michael ScottOpen quote: You don't know what it is. (Laughs)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't need your permission.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Go ahead.Michael ScottOpen quote: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.
Scene 251 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.
Scene 2617 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?Michael ScottOpen quote: Not gonna happen.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: It could be out of your hands Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Can you promise that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: On his mother's grave.Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: It's just that we need to know.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.ManOpen quote: Are you sure about that?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pam, information is power.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.
Scene 271 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.
Scene 281 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... (Laughs)
Scene 298 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.Ryan HowardOpen quote: What's up? Nice to meet you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Introduce yourself. Be polite.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.Michael ScottOpen quote: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's his profit.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.
Scene 305 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Damn it! Jim!Michael ScottOpen quote: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (Laughing)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.
Scene 311 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.
Scene 3215 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What is that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is my stapler.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world (turns to camera) which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK you know what, you can be a witness. (points to Ryan) Can you reprimand him?Jim HalpertOpen quote: How do you know it was me?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?Michael ScottOpen quote: Discipline. Kinky! (Laughs) All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.Michael ScottOpen quote: (Laughing) Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.Ryan HowardOpen quote: You should've put him in custardy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.Michael ScottOpen quote: Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.
Scene 3310 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So when are we going out?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Tonight, hopefully.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK. Yeah.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Hey, man.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What's going on?Roy AndersonOpen quote: Hey, baby.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.
Scene 341 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.
Scene 359 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?Roy AndersonOpen quote: No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.Roy AndersonOpen quote: It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Um... What's in the bag?Roy AndersonOpen quote: Just tell her I'll talk to her later.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.
Scene 3720 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. (Knock at door) Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?Ryan HowardOpen quote: All right.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You got a fax.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What? Why?Michael ScottOpen quote: Why? Well, theft and stealing.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?Michael ScottOpen quote: Post-it Notes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?Michael ScottOpen quote: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Are you serious?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. I am.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.Michael ScottOpen quote: But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.Michael ScottOpen quote: (Pam starts crying) You been X'd punk! (Laughing) Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You're a jerk.Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't know about that.
Scene 381 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.
Scene 3920 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: How are things?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's better, thanks.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good. Good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's greatPam BeeslyOpen quote: Is...?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um... Are you...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Am I walking out?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, I... Do you want to...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Great. Let me just...Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Car horn honking) Oh, Roy.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. (looks at camera) You know what, just come here.