Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Diversity Day

Vol. 1 · Issue 2Scranton, PA

Michael Scott's attempt at diversity training goes exactly how you’d expect, and you'll find every line from the episode right here. From the forehead guessing game to Jim losing his biggest commission, the full script covers all the awkwardness. It’s the perfect place to track down that specific quote you’re looking for.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?
Mr. Brown
Oh, I'm all set, thanks.
Michael Scott
Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.

Scene 03

7 lines
Jim Halpert
That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content." What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. (Shedder whirring) Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.
Jim Halpert
Do you really have to do that right now?
Dwight Schrute
Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.
Jim Halpert
Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. (Power off, silence) Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... (Dialing tone) Hello? Thanks, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim Halpert
That is not the expression.
Dwight Schrute
Well, it should be.

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?

Scene 05

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Solitaire?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, Freecell.
Jim Halpert
Six on seven.
Pam Beesly
I know. I saw that.
Jim Halpert
So then, why didn't you do it?
Pam Beesly
I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Jim Halpert
Who doesn't love that?

Scene 06

12 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?
Oscar Martinez
All right.
Michael Scott
Did you have a good weekend going there?
Oscar Martinez
It was fine.
Michael Scott
Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. (to Mr. Brown) Oh, hey! This is Oscar---
Oscar Martinez
Martinez.
Michael Scott
Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!
Mr. Brown
Great. We're all set.
Michael Scott
Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.
Michael Scott
It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.
Jim Halpert
You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.

Scene 07

33 lines
Mr. Brown
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.
Michael Scott
Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!
Mr. Brown
Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.
Michael Scott
You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Mr. Brown
Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.
Michael Scott
Exactly, were not...
Mr. Brown
That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.
Michael Scott
With tolerance.
Mr. Brown
No. With more ignorance.
Michael Scott
Ignorance.
Mr. Brown
Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.
Michael Scott
Let's celebrate.
Mr. Brown
Right. OK.
Michael Scott
Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?
Mr. Brown
Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that...
Michael Scott
You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Dwight Schrute
I have two. White and Indian.
Mr. Brown
Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Mr. Brown
Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.
Michael Scott
OK.
Mr. Brown
Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out.
Dwight Schrute
A few of the ground rules?
Michael Scott
Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.
Dwight Schrute
OK, can we steer away from gay people?
Mr. Brown
Um...
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.
Mr. Brown
Well, we only have an hour.
Dwight Schrute
I figured it would save time.
Michael Scott
OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...
Mr. Brown
Mr. Brown.
Michael Scott
Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.
Mr. Brown
Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?

Scene 09

8 lines
Mr. Brown
So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.
Michael Scott
I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.
Mr. Brown
Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment.
Michael Scott
OK, I will play guy listening.
Mr. Brown
Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?
Kevin Malone
I remember.
Mr. Brown
Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.
Michael Scott
OK.

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.

Scene 11

6 lines
Kevin Malone
Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Michael Scott
OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... (As Chris Rock) Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... (Bleep) I take care of my kid!
Mr. Brown
Wait a second.
Michael Scott
(Bleep) They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!
Mr. Brown
Stop it!
Michael Scott
(As Chris Rock) What you want a cookie?

Scene 12

14 lines
Mr. Brown
Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown
Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute
A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.
Mr. Brown
OK.
Dwight Schrute
A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown
Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight Schrute
We all have a hero in our heart.
Mr. Brown
Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.
Michael Scott
(Clears throat) I don't think I can sign this.
Mr. Brown
I can't leave until you do.
Michael Scott
Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?
Mr. Brown
Michael, can I talk to you candidly?
Michael Scott
Sure.

Scene 13

12 lines
Mr. Brown
We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made.
Michael Scott
Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.
Mr. Brown
Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature.
Michael Scott
OK, well I know. You told me that several times.
Mr. Brown
Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need.
Michael Scott
OK.
Mr. Brown
Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.
Michael Scott
Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.
Mr. Brown
Don't worry about dating.
Michael Scott
I won't.
Mr. Brown
OK. Thank you.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
"I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." (Laughing) He's going to lose it when he reads that.

Scene 15

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.
Michael Scott
"I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.

Scene 16

5 lines
Michael Scott
All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? (Laughing)
Michael Scott
Get out.
Toby Flenderson
I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
(on the tape) Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Scene 18

28 lines
Michael Scott
OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Jim Halpert
: Uh, is that it?
Michael Scott
Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
Kevin Malone
It was kind of hard to hear.
Michael Scott
Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...
Kelly Kapoor
I have a customer meeting.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
Oscar Martinez
What part Native American?
Michael Scott
Two fifteenths.
Oscar Martinez
Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott
Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.
Oscar Martinez
OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah...
Oscar Martinez
And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.
Michael Scott
Wow.
Oscar Martinez
My parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott
Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?
Oscar Martinez
Thank... Yeah...
Michael Scott
Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar Martinez
Mexican isn't offensive.
Michael Scott
Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar Martinez
Like what?
Michael Scott
Like... I don't... I don't know.
Oscar Martinez
What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
Michael Scott
No. Now, remember that honesty...
Oscar Martinez
I'm just curious.
Michael Scott
...empathy, respect... (Phone ringing) Jim! Jim!
Jim Halpert
Hello? Hello?

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...

Scene 21

19 lines
Michael Scott
Oh this is a good one.
Pam Beesly
Um, hi. How are you?
Stanley Hudson
Fine. How are you?
Pam Beesly
Great.
Michael Scott
Push it.
Stanley Hudson
I admire your culture's success in America.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
Stanley Hudson
Who am I supposed to be?
Michael Scott
No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.
Dwight Schrute
Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.
Dwight Schrute
Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam Beesly
That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam Beesly
OK, I like your food.
Dwight Schrute
Outback steakhouse. (Australian accent) I'm Australian, mate!
Michael Scott
Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.
Pam Beesly
OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, man, am I a woman?

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.

Scene 23

9 lines
Jim Halpert
What are you watching?
Ryan Howard
Chappelle's Show.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Ryan Howard
I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space.
Jim Halpert
No way. I think she likes this stuff.
Ryan Howard
Great. She's cute, huh?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...
Ryan Howard
Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch.
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah. She's hot.

Scene 24

9 lines
Kevin Malone
Hey.
Angela Martin
Hey.
Kevin Malone
You wanna go to the beach?
Angela Martin
Sure.
Kevin Malone
You wanna get high?
Angela Martin
No.
Kevin Malone
I think you do, mon.
Angela Martin
Stop...
Michael Scott
OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.

Scene 25

4 lines
Michael Scott
(Voice raised, Indian accent) Kelly, how are you?
Kelly Kapoor
I just had the longest meeting.
Michael Scott
Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. (Lowering voice) Try my googi, googi. (High-pitched voice) Try my googi, googi. Try my... (slap!)
Michael Scott
(trying not to cry) All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.

Scene 26

1 line
Jim Halpert
(on the phone) Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.

Scene 27

7 lines
Michael Scott
I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.
Kevin Malone
(Itialian accent)Maybe some spagh-etti.
Michael Scott
Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley Hudson
It's collard greens.
Michael Scott
What?
Stanley Hudson
It's collard greens.
Michael Scott
That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.

Scene 28

7 lines
Jim Halpert
(Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder) Um... Hey.
Pam Beesly
(stirs) Mmmm.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Jim Halpert
We can go.
Pam Beesly
Sorry.
Jim Halpert
That's fine.

Scene 29

1 line
Jim Halpert
Uh... Not a bad day.