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Season 1 Episode 2
Diversity Day

Every line from The Office episode "Diversity Day", season 1 episode 2.

Michael Scott: Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?
Mr. Brown: Oh, I'm all set, thanks.
Michael Scott: Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.
Michael Scott: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.
Jim Halpert: That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content." What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. (Shedder whirring) Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.
Jim Halpert: Do you really have to do that right now?
Dwight Schrute: Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.
Jim Halpert: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. (Power off, silence) Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... (Dialing tone) Hello? Thanks, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim Halpert: That is not the expression.
Dwight Schrute: Well, it should be.
Jim Halpert: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?
Jim Halpert: Solitaire?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, Freecell.
Jim Halpert: Six on seven.
Pam Beesly: I know. I saw that.
Jim Halpert: So then, why didn't you do it?
Pam Beesly: I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.
Jim Halpert: Who doesn't love that?
Michael Scott: Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?
Oscar Martinez: All right.
Michael Scott: Did you have a good weekend going there?
Oscar Martinez: It was fine.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. (to Mr. Brown) Oh, hey! This is Oscar---
Oscar Martinez: Martinez.
Michael Scott: Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!
Mr. Brown: Great. We're all set.
Michael Scott: Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.
Michael Scott: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.
Jim Halpert: You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.
Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.
Michael Scott: Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!
Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.
Michael Scott: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.
Mr. Brown: Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.
Michael Scott: Exactly, were not...
Mr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.
Michael Scott: With tolerance.
Mr. Brown: No. With more ignorance.
Michael Scott: Ignorance.
Mr. Brown: Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.
Michael Scott: Let's celebrate.
Mr. Brown: Right. OK.
Michael Scott: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?
Mr. Brown: Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that...
Michael Scott: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.
Dwight Schrute: I have two. White and Indian.
Mr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Mr. Brown: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.
Michael Scott: OK.
Mr. Brown: Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out.
Dwight Schrute: A few of the ground rules?
Michael Scott: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.
Dwight Schrute: OK, can we steer away from gay people?
Mr. Brown: Um...
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.
Mr. Brown: Well, we only have an hour.
Dwight Schrute: I figured it would save time.
Michael Scott: OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...
Mr. Brown: Mr. Brown.
Michael Scott: Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.
Mr. Brown: Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK.
Michael Scott: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?
Mr. Brown: So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.
Michael Scott: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.
Mr. Brown: Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment.
Michael Scott: OK, I will play guy listening.
Mr. Brown: Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?
Kevin Malone: I remember.
Mr. Brown: Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.
Michael Scott: OK.
Michael Scott: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.
Kevin Malone: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.
Michael Scott: OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... (As Chris Rock) Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... (Bleep) I take care of my kid!
Mr. Brown: Wait a second.
Michael Scott: (Bleep) They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!
Mr. Brown: Stop it!
Michael Scott: (As Chris Rock) What you want a cookie?
Mr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.
Mr. Brown: OK.
Dwight Schrute: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.
Dwight Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.
Mr. Brown: Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.
Michael Scott: (Clears throat) I don't think I can sign this.
Mr. Brown: I can't leave until you do.
Michael Scott: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?
Mr. Brown: Michael, can I talk to you candidly?
Michael Scott: Sure.
Mr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made.
Michael Scott: Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.
Mr. Brown: Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature.
Michael Scott: OK, well I know. You told me that several times.
Mr. Brown: Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need.
Michael Scott: OK.
Mr. Brown: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.
Michael Scott: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.
Mr. Brown: Don't worry about dating.
Michael Scott: I won't.
Mr. Brown: OK. Thank you.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah.
Michael Scott: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." (Laughing) He's going to lose it when he reads that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.
Michael Scott: "I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.
Michael Scott: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? (Laughing)
Michael Scott: Get out.
Toby Flenderson: I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.
Michael Scott: (on the tape) Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Michael Scott: OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?
Jim Halpert: : Uh, is that it?
Michael Scott: Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.
Kevin Malone: It was kind of hard to hear.
Michael Scott: Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...
Kelly Kapoor: I have a customer meeting.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.
Oscar Martinez: What part Native American?
Michael Scott: Two fifteenths.
Oscar Martinez: Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.
Oscar Martinez: OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah...
Oscar Martinez: And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Oscar Martinez: My parents were Mexican.
Michael Scott: Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?
Oscar Martinez: Thank... Yeah...
Michael Scott: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar Martinez: Mexican isn't offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, it has certain connotations.
Oscar Martinez: Like what?
Michael Scott: Like... I don't... I don't know.
Oscar Martinez: What connotations, Michael? You meant something.
Michael Scott: No. Now, remember that honesty...
Oscar Martinez: I'm just curious.
Michael Scott: ...empathy, respect... (Phone ringing) Jim! Jim!
Jim Halpert: Hello? Hello?
Michael Scott: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.
Michael Scott: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...
Michael Scott: Oh this is a good one.
Pam Beesly: Um, hi. How are you?
Stanley Hudson: Fine. How are you?
Pam Beesly: Great.
Michael Scott: Push it.
Stanley Hudson: I admire your culture's success in America.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.
Stanley Hudson: Who am I supposed to be?
Michael Scott: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.
Dwight Schrute: Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.
Dwight Schrute: Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.
Pam Beesly: That's nice, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.
Pam Beesly: OK, I like your food.
Dwight Schrute: Outback steakhouse. (Australian accent) I'm Australian, mate!
Michael Scott: Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.
Pam Beesly: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man, am I a woman?
Michael Scott: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.
Jim Halpert: What are you watching?
Ryan Howard: Chappelle's Show.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Ryan Howard: I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space.
Jim Halpert: No way. I think she likes this stuff.
Ryan Howard: Great. She's cute, huh?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...
Ryan Howard: Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah. She's hot.
Kevin Malone: Hey.
Angela Martin: Hey.
Kevin Malone: You wanna go to the beach?
Angela Martin: Sure.
Kevin Malone: You wanna get high?
Angela Martin: No.
Kevin Malone: I think you do, mon.
Angela Martin: Stop...
Michael Scott: OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.
Michael Scott: (Voice raised, Indian accent) Kelly, how are you?
Kelly Kapoor: I just had the longest meeting.
Michael Scott: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. (Lowering voice) Try my googi, googi. (High-pitched voice) Try my googi, googi. Try my... (slap!)
Michael Scott: (trying not to cry) All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.
Michael Scott: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.
Kevin Malone: (Itialian accent)Maybe some spagh-etti.
Michael Scott: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.
Stanley Hudson: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: What?
Stanley Hudson: It's collard greens.
Michael Scott: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.
Jim Halpert: (Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder) Um... Hey.
Pam Beesly: (stirs) Mmmm.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Jim Halpert: We can go.
Pam Beesly: Sorry.
Jim Halpert: That's fine.
Jim Halpert: Uh... Not a bad day.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 2 season 1. Diversity Day is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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