Scene 013 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?Mr. BrownOpen quote: Oh, I'm all set, thanks.Michael ScottOpen quote: Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.
Scene 037 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content." What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. (Shedder whirring) Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do you really have to do that right now?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. (Power off, silence) Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... (Dialing tone) Hello? Thanks, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Retaliation. Tit for tit.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That is not the expression.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, it should be.
Scene 041 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?
Scene 057 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Solitaire?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, Freecell.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Six on seven.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I know. I saw that.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So then, why didn't you do it?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Who doesn't love that?
Scene 0612 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: All right.Michael ScottOpen quote: Did you have a good weekend going there?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It was fine.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. (to Mr. Brown) Oh, hey! This is Oscar---Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Martinez.Michael ScottOpen quote: Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!Mr. BrownOpen quote: Great. We're all set.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.
Scene 0733 linesMr. BrownOpen quote: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!Mr. BrownOpen quote: Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.Michael ScottOpen quote: Exactly, were not...Mr. BrownOpen quote: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.Michael ScottOpen quote: With tolerance.Mr. BrownOpen quote: No. With more ignorance.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ignorance.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.Michael ScottOpen quote: Let's celebrate.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Right. OK.Michael ScottOpen quote: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?Mr. BrownOpen quote: Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that...Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I have two. White and Indian.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A few of the ground rules?Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, can we steer away from gay people?Mr. BrownOpen quote: Um...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Well, we only have an hour.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I figured it would save time.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...Mr. BrownOpen quote: Mr. Brown.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK.
Scene 081 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?
Scene 098 linesMr. BrownOpen quote: So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.Michael ScottOpen quote: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, I will play guy listening.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I remember.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK.
Scene 101 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.
Scene 116 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... (As Chris Rock) Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... (Bleep) I take care of my kid!Mr. BrownOpen quote: Wait a second.Michael ScottOpen quote: (Bleep) They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!Mr. BrownOpen quote: Stop it!Michael ScottOpen quote: (As Chris Rock) What you want a cookie?
Scene 1214 linesMr. BrownOpen quote: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.Mr. BrownOpen quote: OK.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We all have a hero in our heart.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.Michael ScottOpen quote: (Clears throat) I don't think I can sign this.Mr. BrownOpen quote: I can't leave until you do.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?Mr. BrownOpen quote: Michael, can I talk to you candidly?Michael ScottOpen quote: Sure.
Scene 1312 linesMr. BrownOpen quote: We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made.Michael ScottOpen quote: Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, well I know. You told me that several times.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.Mr. BrownOpen quote: Don't worry about dating.Michael ScottOpen quote: I won't.Mr. BrownOpen quote: OK. Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, yeah.
Scene 141 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." (Laughing) He's going to lose it when he reads that.
Scene 152 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: "I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.
Scene 165 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? (Laughing)Michael ScottOpen quote: Get out.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'm sorry.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.
Scene 171 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (on the tape) Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Scene 1828 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: : Uh, is that it?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: It was kind of hard to hear.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I have a customer meeting.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What part Native American?Michael ScottOpen quote: Two fifteenths.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, yeah...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: My parents were Mexican.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Thank... Yeah...Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Mexican isn't offensive.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, it has certain connotations.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Like what?Michael ScottOpen quote: Like... I don't... I don't know.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What connotations, Michael? You meant something.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. Now, remember that honesty...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I'm just curious.Michael ScottOpen quote: ...empathy, respect... (Phone ringing) Jim! Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hello? Hello?
Scene 191 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.
Scene 201 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...
Scene 2119 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh this is a good one.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, hi. How are you?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Fine. How are you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Great.Michael ScottOpen quote: Push it.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I admire your culture's success in America.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Who am I supposed to be?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That's nice, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK, I like your food.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Outback steakhouse. (Australian accent) I'm Australian, mate!Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, man, am I a woman?
Scene 221 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.
Scene 239 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: What are you watching?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Chappelle's Show.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No way. I think she likes this stuff.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Great. She's cute, huh?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...Ryan HowardOpen quote: Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, yeah. She's hot.
Scene 249 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Hey.Angela MartinOpen quote: Hey.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: You wanna go to the beach?Angela MartinOpen quote: Sure.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: You wanna get high?Angela MartinOpen quote: No.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I think you do, mon.Angela MartinOpen quote: Stop...Michael ScottOpen quote: OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.
Scene 254 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Voice raised, Indian accent) Kelly, how are you?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I just had the longest meeting.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. (Lowering voice) Try my googi, googi. (High-pitched voice) Try my googi, googi. Try my... (slap!)Michael ScottOpen quote: (trying not to cry) All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.
Scene 261 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (on the phone) Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.
Scene 277 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (Itialian accent)Maybe some spagh-etti.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: It's collard greens.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: It's collard greens.Michael ScottOpen quote: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.
Scene 287 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder) Um... Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (stirs) Mmmm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: We can go.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sorry.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's fine.