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Season 1 Episode 3
Health Care

Every line from The Office episode "Health Care", season 1 episode 3.

Michael Scott: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam Beesly: I'm not making any copies.
Michael Scott: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Pam Beesly: Nothing new.
Michael Scott: Lay them on me. What?
Pam Beesly: There's nothing new.
Michael Scott: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesly: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... (nods toward camera)
Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
Jan Levinson: So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael Scott: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.
Jan Levinson: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
Michael Scott: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan Levinson: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael Scott: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Jan Levinson: Michael.
Michael Scott: You gotta crack these things open.
Jan Levinson: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael Scott: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Jan Levinson: It's your job. So...
Michael Scott: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
Jan Levinson: Michael... maybe... I mean...
Michael Scott: There, there...
Jan Levinson: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: (scoffs) When have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson: I'm doing it right now. To you.
Jim Halpert: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?
Pam Beesly: No. I have a life.
Jim Halpert: Interesting, what's that like?
Pam Beesly: You should try it sometime.
Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Pam Beesly: (laughs)... your problem.
Michael Scott: Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.
Michael Scott: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim Halpert: Gosh.
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Jim Halpert: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?
Jim Halpert: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. I can do it. I'm your man.
Jim Halpert: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Dwight Schrute: OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight Schrute: OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.
Michael Scott: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Dwight Schrute: (to self) Yes, I have an office. (to camera) Bigger than his.
Michael Scott: Nope, you cannot use it.
Dwight Schrute: OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.
Michael Scott: Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Michael Scott: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
Dwight Schrute: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Stanley Hudson: There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam Beesly: Where are you?
Michael Scott: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Pam Beesly: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...
Michael Scott: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
Pam Beesly: No you're not.
Michael Scott: I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam Beesly: OK.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Pam Beesly: Still no one calling.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, what...
Dwight Schrute: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim Halpert: It says "workspace".
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight Schrute: Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim Halpert: You are not my superior.
Dwight Schrute: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim Halpert: I thought it was a workspace?
Pam Beesly: OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. And my decision in final.
Pam Beesly: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Dwight Schrute: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
Jim Halpert: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Dwight Schrute: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight Schrute: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim Halpert: OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight Schrute: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesly: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Oscar Martinez: He literally won't come out of his office.
Kevin Malone: He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.
Angela Martin: Kevin! That's inappropriate.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, can I talk to you?
Michael Scott: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?
Meredith Palmer: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
Michael Scott: Ah, what? Which memo?
Pam Beesly: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.
Michael Scott: Is it a good plan?
Dwight Schrute: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Oscar Martinez: It's like a pay decrease.
Pam Beesly: Michael, he made huge cuts.
Michael Scott: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, you said...
Michael Scott: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?
Dwight Schrute: I can handle that.
Michael Scott: OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
Oscar Martinez: This is not good.
Angela Martin: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Oscar Martinez: What was that?
Angela Martin: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
Kevin Malone: What are you guys talking about?
Angela Martin: Nothing, Kevin.
Michael Scott: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... love him.
Dwight Schrute: OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim Halpert: OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight Schrute: OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim Halpert: Workspace.
Michael Scott: You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Pam Beesly: Where are you going?
Michael Scott: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. (Giggles) Couldn't find the knob.
Michael Scott: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Travel Agent: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
Jim Halpert: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam Beesly: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim Halpert: Oh, great.
Pam Beesly: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim Halpert: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam Beesly: Nice.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Michael Scott: (on his cell phone) Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Man on Phone: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael Scott: Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Man on Phone: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Michael Scott: So it's not a free fall?
Man on Phone: It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael Scott: Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?
Michael Scott: OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?
Dwight Schrute: Damnit! Damnit Jim!
Dwight Schrute: All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.
Dwight Schrute: You did this, didn't you?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute: Yes you did.
Jim Halpert: No I didn't.
Dwight Schrute: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!
Jim Halpert: Killer nanorobots?
Pam Beesly: It's an epidemic.
Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. (reads off of paper) "Count Choculitis"
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim Halpert: Do you?
Dwight Schrute: I think you need to confess...
Jim Halpert: Mmm hmm.
Dwight Schrute: ...the fact...
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim Halpert: Good luck. (closes door and locks it)
Dwight Schrute: Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... (Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley)
Stanley Hudson: (looks at keys, continues talking on phone) ...the light green or green...
Jim Halpert: (answering phone) Jim Halpert.
Dwight Schrute: Let me out.
Jim Halpert: Who is this?
Dwight Schrute: Let me out or you're fired.
Jim Halpert: No, you can't fire me.
Dwight Schrute: Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim Halpert: OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. (presses button on phone)) Jim Halpert.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Jim Halpert: Hey Pam! How are you?
Dwight Schrute: Jim! Open the door!
Pam Beesly: Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim Halpert: I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight Schrute: Jim!
Pam Beesly: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
Jim Halpert: No, not at all.
Pam Beesly: You don't have anything you're doing?
Jim Halpert: I have nothing to do.
Dwight Schrute: Jim!
Pam Beesly: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Dwight Schrute: Jim!
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah?
Pam Beesly: I might go to the mall.
Jim Halpert: The mall?
Dwight Schrute: Jim!
Pam Beesly: I need new shoes.
Jim Halpert: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
Jan Levinson: Hello?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Jan Levinson: This is Jan.
Dwight Schrute: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Jan Levinson: Who is this?
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute.
Jan Levinson: From sales?
Dwight Schrute: Well...
Jan Levinson: Where's Michael Scott?
Dwight Schrute: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Jan Levinson: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Jan Levinson: Really?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah.
Jan Levinson: OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... (dial tone)
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! (laughs) Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.
Ryan Howard: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...
Michael Scott: Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, thanks.
Michael Scott: There you go.
Stanley Hudson: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Michael Scott: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it.
Dwight Schrute: Michael. Michael?
Michael Scott: (under his breath) Oh, Christ.
Dwight Schrute: I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.
Dwight Schrute: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley Hudson: What about confidentiality?
Dwight Schrute: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.
Meredith Palmer: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith Palmer: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Dwight Schrute: OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin Malone: That's a real thing.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin Malone: Someone has it.
Kevin Malone: Do you think we should go ?
Oscar Martinez: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... (spots Michael through the blinds) There he is.
Kevin Malone: What is he doing?
Oscar Martinez: I don't know.
Oscar Martinez: Well?
Michael Scott: Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
Oscar Martinez: OK, the health care plan.
Pam Beesly: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.
Michael Scott: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?
Dwight Schrute: I most certainly did not.
Michael Scott: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? (looks at watch) Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday.
Angela Martin: What about the surprise?
Michael Scott: Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?
Stanley Hudson: We all think you don't have a surprise.
Michael Scott: All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!
Michael Scott: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
Michael Scott: (clapping hands) God, yeah... Ah! This...
Michael Scott: Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. (as Robin Williams) "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

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