Scene 018 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm not making any copies.Michael ScottOpen quote: Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nothing new.Michael ScottOpen quote: Lay them on me. What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: There's nothing new.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's not what you said earlier.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... (nods toward camera)
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.
Scene 0317 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: So, which health plan have you decided on?Michael ScottOpen quote: I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: You gotta crack these things open.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: It's your job. So...Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael... maybe... I mean...Michael ScottOpen quote: There, there...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.Michael ScottOpen quote: (scoffs) When have you ever done that?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I'm doing it right now. To you.
Scene 047 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No. I have a life.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Interesting, what's that like?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You should try it sometime.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (laughs)... your problem.Michael ScottOpen quote: Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.
Scene 056 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Gosh.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah!Jim HalpertOpen quote: That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?
Scene 061 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
Scene 081 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Scene 099 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.Michael ScottOpen quote: You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (to self) Yes, I have an office. (to camera) Bigger than his.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope, you cannot use it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.Michael ScottOpen quote: Temporary workspace. You can use it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you.
Scene 101 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.
Scene 112 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Scene 121 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.
Scene 1311 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.Michael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Where are you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No you're not.Michael ScottOpen quote: I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Still no one calling.
Scene 1421 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Dwight, what...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It says "workspace".Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Same thing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You are not my superior.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh gee, then why do I have an office?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I thought it was a workspace?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes. And my decision in final.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You cut more than you had to, didn't you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sure.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So I can lower it.
Scene 153 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: He literally won't come out of his office.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.Angela MartinOpen quote: Kevin! That's inappropriate.
Scene 1614 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Michael, can I talk to you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, what? Which memo?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is it a good plan?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's like a pay decrease.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael, he made huge cuts.Michael ScottOpen quote: Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, you said...Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can handle that.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?
Scene 176 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: This is not good.Angela MartinOpen quote: It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What was that?Angela MartinOpen quote: You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: What are you guys talking about?Angela MartinOpen quote: Nothing, Kevin.
Scene 181 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... love him.
Scene 194 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Workspace.
Scene 203 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Where are you going?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. (Giggles) Couldn't find the knob.
Scene 213 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.Travel AgentOpen quote: I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...
Scene 227 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm inventing new diseases.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, great.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nice.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thank you.
Scene 237 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on his cell phone) Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.Man on PhoneOpen quote: You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.Michael ScottOpen quote: Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.Man on PhoneOpen quote: It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.Michael ScottOpen quote: So it's not a free fall?Man on PhoneOpen quote: It's an industrial coal elevator.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?
Scene 241 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?
Scene 2511 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Damnit! Damnit Jim!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are you talking about?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You did this, didn't you?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Absolutely not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes you did.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No I didn't.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!
Scene 2712 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. (reads off of paper) "Count Choculitis"Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sounds tough.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I think you need to confess...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmm hmm.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...the fact...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yep.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What are you doing? Those are my keys.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good luck. (closes door and locks it)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... (Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: (looks at keys, continues talking on phone) ...the light green or green...
Scene 2826 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (answering phone) Jim Halpert.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let me out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Who is this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let me out or you're fired.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, you can't fire me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. (presses button on phone)] Jim Halpert.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) Hey, Jim. It's Pam.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey Pam! How are you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim! Open the door!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Good, how are you? Busy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, not at all.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You don't have anything you're doing?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I have nothing to do.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I might go to the mall.Jim HalpertOpen quote: The mall?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I need new shoes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?
Scene 2918 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: Hello?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: This is Jan.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Who is this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Dwight Schrute.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: From sales?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Where's Michael Scott?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Really?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... (dial tone)
Scene 309 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! (laughs) Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...Michael ScottOpen quote: Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Oh, thanks.Michael ScottOpen quote: There you go.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael. Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: (under his breath) Oh, Christ.
Scene 311 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.
Scene 326 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What about confidentiality?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Scene 334 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: That's a real thing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, but no one here has it.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Someone has it.
Scene 344 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Do you think we should go ?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... (spots Michael through the blinds) There he is.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: What is he doing?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I don't know.
Scene 3511 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Well?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, what? You could be referring to anything.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: OK, the health care plan.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I most certainly did not.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? (looks at watch) Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday.Angela MartinOpen quote: What about the surprise?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: We all think you don't have a surprise.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!
Scene 361 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
Scene 381 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. (as Robin Williams) "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.