Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Health Care

Vol. 1 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Michael ducks out of his responsibilities and lets Dwight pick the new health care plan, leading to legendary fake diseases like Count Choculitis and hot-dog fingers. Every line from the episode is laid out here, so you won't miss a single beat of Jim’s pranks or that awkward ice cream sandwich letdown.

Scene 01

8 lines
Michael Scott
Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies.
Pam Beesly
I'm not making any copies.
Michael Scott
Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway.
Pam Beesly
Nothing new.
Michael Scott
Lay them on me. What?
Pam Beesly
There's nothing new.
Michael Scott
That's not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesly
Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... (nods toward camera)

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist.

Scene 03

17 lines
Jan Levinson
So, which health plan have you decided on?
Michael Scott
I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works.
Jan Levinson
Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael?
Michael Scott
I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan.
Jan Levinson
The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan.
Michael Scott
Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good.
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
You gotta crack these things open.
Jan Levinson
You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan.
Michael Scott
Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice.
Jan Levinson
It's your job. So...
Michael Scott
Well, it's a suicide mission, you know.
Jan Levinson
Michael... maybe... I mean...
Michael Scott
There, there...
Jan Levinson
Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott
(scoffs) When have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson
I'm doing it right now. To you.

Scene 04

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it?
Pam Beesly
No. I have a life.
Jim Halpert
Interesting, what's that like?
Pam Beesly
You should try it sometime.
Jim Halpert
Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is...
Pam Beesly
(laughs)... your problem.
Michael Scott
Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah.

Scene 05

6 lines
Michael Scott
There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers.
Jim Halpert
Gosh.
Michael Scott
Yeah!
Jim Halpert
That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Michael Scott
Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this?

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yes. I can do it. I'm your man.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

Scene 09

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott
Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan.
Dwight Schrute
OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine.
Michael Scott
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Dwight Schrute
(to self) Yes, I have an office. (to camera) Bigger than his.
Michael Scott
Nope, you cannot use it.
Dwight Schrute
OK, I take it back, it's a workspace.
Michael Scott
Temporary workspace. You can use it.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already.

Scene 11

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people.
Dwight Schrute
In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Scene 12

1 line
Stanley Hudson
There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible.

Scene 13

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael Scott
(on phone) Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks?
Pam Beesly
Where are you?
Michael Scott
Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there?
Pam Beesly
Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the...
Michael Scott
Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call.
Pam Beesly
No you're not.
Michael Scott
I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce?
Pam Beesly
OK.
Michael Scott
Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this.
Pam Beesly
Still no one calling.

Scene 14

21 lines
Pam Beesly
Dwight, what...
Dwight Schrute
Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office.
Jim Halpert
It says "workspace".
Dwight Schrute
Same thing.
Jim Halpert
If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"?
Dwight Schrute
Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior.
Jim Halpert
You are not my superior.
Dwight Schrute
Oh gee, then why do I have an office?
Jim Halpert
I thought it was a workspace?
Pam Beesly
OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan?
Dwight Schrute
Yes. And my decision in final.
Pam Beesly
This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything.
Dwight Schrute
Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it.
Jim Halpert
You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
Dwight Schrute
Sure.
Jim Halpert
Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Dwight Schrute
Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system.
Jim Halpert
OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies.
Dwight Schrute
I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesly
Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute
So I can lower it.

Scene 15

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
He literally won't come out of his office.
Kevin Malone
He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom.
Angela Martin
Kevin! That's inappropriate.

Scene 16

14 lines
Oscar Martinez
Michael, can I talk to you?
Michael Scott
Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check?
Meredith Palmer
Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
Michael Scott
Ah, what? Which memo?
Pam Beesly
Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it.
Michael Scott
Is it a good plan?
Dwight Schrute
It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune.
Oscar Martinez
It's like a pay decrease.
Pam Beesly
Michael, he made huge cuts.
Michael Scott
Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, you said...
Michael Scott
No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK?
Dwight Schrute
I can handle that.
Michael Scott
OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right?

Scene 17

6 lines
Oscar Martinez
This is not good.
Angela Martin
It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him?
Oscar Martinez
What was that?
Angela Martin
You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic.
Kevin Malone
What are you guys talking about?
Angela Martin
Nothing, Kevin.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
Do I know what the surprise is? Hell no! It doesn't matter. The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. They're out there thinking, "Wow, my boss really cares about me. He has a surprise. He's cool. I... what a great guy. I love him. I... love him.

Scene 19

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do.
Jim Halpert
OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential.
Dwight Schrute
OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office.
Jim Halpert
Workspace.

Scene 20

3 lines
Michael Scott
You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise.
Pam Beesly
Where are you going?
Michael Scott
Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. (Giggles) Couldn't find the knob.

Scene 21

3 lines
Michael Scott
So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend.
Travel Agent
I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe?
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so...

Scene 22

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam Beesly
I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim Halpert
Oh, great.
Pam Beesly
So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim Halpert
I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam Beesly
Nice.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.

Scene 23

7 lines
Michael Scott
(on his cell phone) Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride.
Man on Phone
You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride.
Michael Scott
Its says here that it's a 300ft drop.
Man on Phone
It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly.
Michael Scott
So it's not a free fall?
Man on Phone
It's an industrial coal elevator.
Michael Scott
Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something?

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway?

Scene 25

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Damnit! Damnit Jim!
Dwight Schrute
All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim Halpert
What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert
OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection.
Dwight Schrute
You did this, didn't you?
Jim Halpert
Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute
Yes you did.
Jim Halpert
No I didn't.
Dwight Schrute
I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one!

Scene 26

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Killer nanorobots?
Pam Beesly
It's an epidemic.

Scene 27

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. (reads off of paper) "Count Choculitis"
Jim Halpert
Sounds tough.
Dwight Schrute
Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim Halpert
Do you?
Dwight Schrute
I think you need to confess...
Jim Halpert
Mmm hmm.
Dwight Schrute
...the fact...
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing? Those are my keys.
Jim Halpert
Good luck. (closes door and locks it)
Dwight Schrute
Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... (Without looking, Jim throws his keys to his left, they land on a shelf next to Stanley)
Stanley Hudson
(looks at keys, continues talking on phone) ...the light green or green...

Scene 28

26 lines
Jim Halpert
(answering phone) Jim Halpert.
Dwight Schrute
Let me out.
Jim Halpert
Who is this?
Dwight Schrute
Let me out or you're fired.
Jim Halpert
No, you can't fire me.
Dwight Schrute
Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk.
Jim Halpert
OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. (presses button on phone)] Jim Halpert.
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Hey, Jim. It's Pam.
Jim Halpert
Hey Pam! How are you?
Dwight Schrute
Jim! Open the door!
Pam Beesly
Good, how are you? Busy?
Jim Halpert
I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to?
Dwight Schrute
Jim!
Pam Beesly
Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
Jim Halpert
No, not at all.
Pam Beesly
You don't have anything you're doing?
Jim Halpert
I have nothing to do.
Dwight Schrute
Jim!
Pam Beesly
Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything.
Dwight Schrute
Jim!
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah?
Pam Beesly
I might go to the mall.
Jim Halpert
The mall?
Dwight Schrute
Jim!
Pam Beesly
I need new shoes.
Jim Halpert
Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes?

Scene 29

18 lines
Jan Levinson
Hello?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould.
Jan Levinson
This is Jan.
Dwight Schrute
Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
Jan Levinson
Who is this?
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute.
Jan Levinson
From sales?
Dwight Schrute
Well...
Jan Levinson
Where's Michael Scott?
Dwight Schrute
He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office.
Jan Levinson
Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute
That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
Jan Levinson
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Jan Levinson
OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute
Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson
No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... (dial tone)

Scene 30

9 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! (laughs) Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism.
Ryan Howard
Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the...
Michael Scott
Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, thanks.
Michael Scott
There you go.
Stanley Hudson
This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Michael Scott
Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it.
Dwight Schrute
Michael. Michael?
Michael Scott
(under his breath) Oh, Christ.

Scene 31

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options.

Scene 32

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Stanley Hudson
What about confidentiality?
Dwight Schrute
You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted penis.
Meredith Palmer
Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute
I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy?
Meredith Palmer
A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

Scene 33

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? Anal fissures?
Kevin Malone
That's a real thing.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin Malone
Someone has it.

Scene 34

4 lines
Kevin Malone
Do you think we should go ?
Oscar Martinez
I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... (spots Michael through the blinds) There he is.
Kevin Malone
What is he doing?
Oscar Martinez
I don't know.

Scene 35

11 lines
Oscar Martinez
Well?
Michael Scott
Well, what? You could be referring to anything.
Oscar Martinez
OK, the health care plan.
Pam Beesly
Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job.
Michael Scott
Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits?
Dwight Schrute
I most certainly did not.
Michael Scott
Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? (looks at watch) Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday.
Angela Martin
What about the surprise?
Michael Scott
Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?
Stanley Hudson
We all think you don't have a surprise.
Michael Scott
All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr!

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
(clapping hands) God, yeah... Ah! This...

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. (as Robin Williams) "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo.

Scene 39

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.