Every line from The Office episode "The Alliance", season 1 episode 4.
Dwight Schrute: Michael!?
Michael Scott: Oh! God. Dwight, come on...
Dwight Schrute: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Michael Scott: There's no downsizing.
Dwight Schrute: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael Scott: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Michael Scott: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
Michael Scott: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Dwight Schrute: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael Scott: Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.
Michael Scott: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...
Michael Scott: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Michael Scott: Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Pam Beesly: Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Michael Scott: Next person on the...
Michael Scott: ...calendar.
Pam Beesly: Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.
Michael Scott: Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
Pam Beesly: But it's not until next month.
Michael Scott: Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Pam Beesly: You still want to have a party?
Michael Scott: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
Michael Scott: (grabs cell phone off desk) Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.
Phyllis Vance: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.
Phyllis Vance: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela Martin: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Angela Martin: What color do you guys think?
Phyllis Vance: Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red...
Pam Beesly: How about green?
Angela Martin: I think green is kind of whoreish.
Michael Scott: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
Michael Scott: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Angela Martin: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Michael Scott: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Pam Beesly: It is... her birthday.
Michael Scott: Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?
Dwight Schrute: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Dwight Schrute: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely, I do.
Dwight Schrute: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
Pam Beesly: What does that even mean?
Jim Halpert: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
Jim Halpert: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Dwight Schrute: Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?
Dwight Schrute: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Dwight Schrute: Just now.
Jim Halpert: What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Jim Halpert: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Jim Halpert: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Michael Scott: (to the camera) Can you get her? She's right there. (camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk) That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. (laughs) Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." (pretends to vomit and laughs)
Jim Halpert: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight Schrute: What? I believe it.
Jim Halpert: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight Schrute: I could tell, from the body language.
Jim Halpert: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Jim Halpert: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight Schrute: Oh, they're forming an alliance
Dwight Schrute: Damn it. God!
Jim Halpert: OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight Schrute: God... Damn it! Why us?
Jim Halpert: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
Michael Scott: (staring at birthday card) Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
Michael Scott: Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oscar Martinez: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Michael Scott: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Oscar Martinez: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...
Oscar Martinez: Donate to the charity?
Michael Scott: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Oscar Martinez: Thank you.
Michael Scott: No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.
Oscar Martinez: That's... that's... that's very generous.
Michael Scott: Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...
Pam Beesly: (whispering) Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
Jim Halpert: Sure, what's up?
Pam Beesly: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.
Jim Halpert: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Michael Scott: (looking at birthday card) Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight Schrute: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael Scott: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight Schrute: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
Michael Scott: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight Schrute: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott: (laughs) Which one is that again?
Dwight Schrute: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael Scott: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight Schrute: It could be kind of funny.
Michael Scott: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.
Jim Halpert: OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
Dwight Schrute: Oh my God, we have to be there.
Jim Halpert: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.
Dwight Schrute: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: I know. I know exactly what to do.
Jim Halpert: (gives Dwight a high five) Great.
Jim Halpert: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight Schrute: So tape it down.
Jim Halpert: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Dwight Schrute: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Jim Halpert: Thank you, thank you. OK.
Meredith Palmer: Oh! Surprise.
Angela Martin: No, it's ah...
Michael Scott: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Everyone: (tunelessly) Happy birthday to you.
Michael Scott: Find a key.
Everyone: Happy birthday...
Stanley Hudson: Last year, five years ago...
Michael Scott: You were surprised, weren't you?
Michael Scott: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Meredith Palmer: Uh, I can't. Um...
Michael Scott: Come on. A little bit.
Meredith Palmer: I can't eat dairy.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah, it makes me sick.
Michael Scott: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.
Michael Scott: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim Halpert: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Michael Scott: Is Oscar around?
Michael Scott: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar Martinez: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
Oscar Martinez: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."
Michael Scott: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
Oscar Martinez: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Michael Scott: How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar Martinez: Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael Scott: Son of a bitch. That is impressive.
Pam Beesly: Happy Birthday. (gives Meredith her card)
Michael Scott: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Meredith Palmer: "Happy Bird-day" Um... "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still."
Michael Scott: (under his breath) I don't know about that.
Meredith Palmer: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam."
Michael Scott: (pretends to vomit) Huh! Thanks, downer.
Meredith Palmer: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael Scott: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith Palmer: No, I... I get it. It's funny.
Michael Scott: (laughs) You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Meredith Palmer: You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael Scott: Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..."
Oscar Martinez: How old is she?
Michael Scott: Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everyone: How old is she?
Michael Scott: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
Michael Scott: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
Oscar Martinez: Uh, nice party Michael.
Michael Scott: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Angela Martin: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, boy... You...
Michael Scott: OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.
Oscar Martinez: Per mile.
Michael Scott: Per mile, yes.
Michael Scott: I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, (whispering) that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."
Toby Flenderson: Really? Today?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, Happy Birthday.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, I could say something.
Ryan Howard: No, don't. Don't do that.
Jim Halpert: OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Pam Beesly: Oh, tell me, tell me.
Jim Halpert: OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... (Pam starts laughing)... spy on our other branch. No no no.
Jim Halpert: But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Pam Beesly: (laughing) That's perfect!
Jim Halpert: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...
Roy Anderson: (yelling) What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
Jim Halpert: No, no, dude, no.
Jim Halpert: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Jim Halpert: God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Pam Beesly: It's just office pranks.
Jim Halpert: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Roy Anderson: (looking at Dwight) An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Dwight Schrute: I have absolutely no idea.
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