Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Alliance

Vol. 1 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

Every line from the episode is right here, from the downsizing rumors to Dwight’s unfortunate blonde dye job. You'll catch all the awkwardness of Meredith's early birthday party and Michael’s accidental $25-per-mile donation. It’s the perfect spot to find that one specific Dwight quote you're looking for.

Scene 01

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael!?
Michael Scott
Oh! God. Dwight, come on...
Dwight Schrute
I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?
Michael Scott
There's no downsizing.
Dwight Schrute
I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?
Michael Scott
Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, so I don't have to worry?
Michael Scott
Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?
Michael Scott
But there's no downsizing, so just don't...
Dwight Schrute
Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael Scott
Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

Scene 04

2 lines
Stanley Hudson
Why'd you do this?
Dwight Schrute
I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?

Scene 05

13 lines
Michael Scott
Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?
Michael Scott
Who is it? Who's the birthday?
Pam Beesly
Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.
Michael Scott
Next person on the...
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Michael Scott
...calendar.
Pam Beesly
Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.
Michael Scott
Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!
Pam Beesly
But it's not until next month.
Michael Scott
Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.
Pam Beesly
You still want to have a party?
Michael Scott
Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!
Michael Scott
(grabs cell phone off desk) Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.

Scene 06

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.
Angela Martin
What?
Phyllis Vance
I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela Martin
No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah?
Angela Martin
What color do you guys think?
Phyllis Vance
Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red...
Pam Beesly
How about green?
Angela Martin
I think green is kind of whoreish.

Scene 07

1 line
Pam Beesly
This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

Scene 08

6 lines
Michael Scott
These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!
Michael Scott
So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.
Angela Martin
Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...
Michael Scott
She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...
Pam Beesly
It is... her birthday.
Michael Scott
Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?

Scene 09

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Dwight Schrute
Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Jim Halpert
Absolutely, I do.
Dwight Schrute
Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...

Scene 10

1 line
Jim Halpert
At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.

Scene 11

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Did you get your tickets?
Jim Halpert
To what?
Dwight Schrute
The gun show. (Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep)

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."

Scene 13

1 line
Dwight Schrute
There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.

Scene 14

6 lines
Pam Beesly
An alliance?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah.
Pam Beesly
What does that even mean?
Jim Halpert
I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.
Jim Halpert
Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.
Dwight Schrute
Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?

Scene 15

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Did you tell Pam about the alliance?
Jim Halpert
What? No.
Dwight Schrute
Just now.
Jim Halpert
What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.
Dwight Schrute
Right, that's good, good, pursue this.
Jim Halpert
Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?
Dwight Schrute
Mmm hmm.
Jim Halpert
But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.
Dwight Schrute
Done.
Jim Halpert
All right.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
(to the camera) Can you get her? She's right there. (camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk) That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. (laughs) Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." (pretends to vomit and laughs)

Scene 17

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, what do you think that's about?
Dwight Schrute
Only one way to find out.
Jim Halpert
I'm on it.

Scene 18

4 lines
Jim Halpert
You are not going to believe this.
Dwight Schrute
What? I believe it.
Jim Halpert
Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight Schrute
I could tell, from the body language.

Scene 19

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin Malone
Italian.
Jim Halpert
Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...
Kevin Malone
Yeah.

Scene 20

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight Schrute
Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.
Jim Halpert
Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight Schrute
Oh, they're forming an alliance

Scene 21

4 lines
Toby Flenderson
I love their sandwiches.
Jim Halpert
I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin Malone
Their bread's really good.
Jim Halpert
Their bread is very good.

Scene 22

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Damn it. God!
Jim Halpert
OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight Schrute
God... Damn it! Why us?
Jim Halpert
Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.

Scene 23

12 lines
Michael Scott
(staring at birthday card) Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.
Michael Scott
Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?
Oscar Martinez
Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
Michael Scott
Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?
Oscar Martinez
My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...
Michael Scott
What?
Oscar Martinez
Donate to the charity?
Michael Scott
Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.
Oscar Martinez
Thank you.
Michael Scott
No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.
Oscar Martinez
That's... that's... that's very generous.
Michael Scott
Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...

Scene 24

8 lines
Pam Beesly
(whispering) Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
Jim Halpert
Sure, what's up?
Pam Beesly
Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?
Jim Halpert
Oh no?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.
Jim Halpert
No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.
Pam Beesly
OK, yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Jackpot.

Scene 25

1 line
Jim Halpert
That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great.

Scene 26

13 lines
Michael Scott
(looking at birthday card) Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Michael Scott
Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight Schrute
I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael Scott
There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight Schrute
Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.
Michael Scott
I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight Schrute
She had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott
(laughs) Which one is that again?
Dwight Schrute
That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael Scott
Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight Schrute
It could be kind of funny.
Michael Scott
You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.

Scene 27

7 lines
Jim Halpert
OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.
Dwight Schrute
Oh my God, we have to be there.
Jim Halpert
I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.
Dwight Schrute
No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.
Jim Halpert
What? What?
Dwight Schrute
I know. I know exactly what to do.
Jim Halpert
(gives Dwight a high five) Great.

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.

Scene 29

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.
Jim Halpert
Good.

Scene 30

2 lines
Ryan Howard
Michael? Are you done yet?
Michael Scott
Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.

Scene 31

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.
Dwight Schrute
So tape it down.
Jim Halpert
I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.
Dwight Schrute
Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.
Jim Halpert
Thank you, thank you. OK.

Scene 32

7 lines
Everyone
Surprise!
Meredith Palmer
Oh! Surprise.
Angela Martin
No, it's ah...
Michael Scott
It's surprise Meredith. One, two...
Everyone
(tunelessly) Happy birthday to you.
Michael Scott
Find a key.
Everyone
Happy birthday...

Scene 33

3 lines
Jim Halpert
So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?
Dwight Schrute
No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.
Jim Halpert
Right... That's good.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Scene 35

2 lines
Everyone
(singing) ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you...
Michael Scott
And many more!

Scene 36

10 lines
Stanley Hudson
Last year, five years ago...
Michael Scott
You were surprised, weren't you?
Meredith Palmer
Yes.
Michael Scott
You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?
Meredith Palmer
Uh, I can't. Um...
Michael Scott
Come on. A little bit.
Meredith Palmer
I can't eat dairy.
Michael Scott
Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah, it makes me sick.
Michael Scott
You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.

Scene 37

2 lines
Pam Beesly
He's in a box?
Jim Halpert
Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.

Scene 38

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(on her cell phone) Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that...
Dwight Schrute
(box falls over) Oh.

Scene 39

5 lines
Michael Scott
Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim Halpert
Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?
Michael Scott
Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Michael Scott
Is Oscar around?

Scene 40

11 lines
Michael Scott
I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...
Oscar Martinez
Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.
Michael Scott
I know...
Oscar Martinez
It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."
Michael Scott
Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...
Oscar Martinez
I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah.
Michael Scott
How many miles did he do last year?
Oscar Martinez
Last year, he walked 18 miles.
Michael Scott
Son of a bitch. That is impressive.

Scene 41

24 lines
Pam Beesly
Happy Birthday. (gives Meredith her card)
Michael Scott
Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.
Meredith Palmer
"Happy Bird-day" Um... "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still."
Michael Scott
(under his breath) I don't know about that.
Meredith Palmer
That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam."
Michael Scott
(pretends to vomit) Huh! Thanks, downer.
Meredith Palmer
This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael Scott
Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.
Meredith Palmer
No, I... I get it. It's funny.
Michael Scott
(laughs) You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?
Meredith Palmer
You're right. You're right. Yes.
Michael Scott
Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..."
Oscar Martinez
How old is she?
Michael Scott
Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."
Everyone
How old is she?
Michael Scott
"She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."
Michael Scott
That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.
Oscar Martinez
Uh, nice party Michael.
Michael Scott
This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.
Angela Martin
Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, boy... You...
Michael Scott
OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.
Oscar Martinez
Per mile.
Michael Scott
Per mile, yes.

Scene 42

1 line
Michael Scott
When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
A check for the kids, and for the team.

Scene 44

1 line
Michael Scott
I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, (whispering) that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."

Scene 45

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott
Come here. (hugs Oscar and In a low voice) Don't cash that till Friday, OK?

Scene 46

6 lines
Toby Flenderson
Really? Today?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Toby Flenderson
Oh, Happy Birthday.
Ryan Howard
Thanks.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, I could say something.
Ryan Howard
No, don't. Don't do that.

Scene 47

17 lines
Jim Halpert
OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.
Pam Beesly
Oh, tell me, tell me.
Jim Halpert
OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... (Pam starts laughing)... spy on our other branch. No no no.
Jim Halpert
But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Pam Beesly
(laughing) That's perfect!
Jim Halpert
If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...
Roy Anderson
(yelling) What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?
Jim Halpert
No, no, dude, no.
Pam Beesly
Hey, Hey!
Jim Halpert
No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.
Pam Beesly
Come on.
Jim Halpert
God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...
Pam Beesly
It's just office pranks.
Jim Halpert
It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.
Roy Anderson
(looking at Dwight) An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?
Dwight Schrute
I have absolutely no idea.
Roy Anderson
Come on.

Scene 48

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.
Dwight Schrute
(With blonde hair) That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.