Scene 0111 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael!?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! God. Dwight, come on...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing?Michael ScottOpen quote: There's no downsizing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager?Michael ScottOpen quote: Assistant to the regional manager Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, so I don't have to worry?Michael ScottOpen quote: Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay?Michael ScottOpen quote: But there's no downsizing, so just don't...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe.
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. (as Donald Trump) "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so...
Scene 031 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.
Scene 042 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: Why'd you do this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?
Scene 0513 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person?Michael ScottOpen quote: Who is it? Who's the birthday?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up.Michael ScottOpen quote: Next person on the...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh.Michael ScottOpen quote: ...calendar.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, umm... that would be Meredith.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes! All right, come on down Meredith!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But it's not until next month.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You still want to have a party?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up!Michael ScottOpen quote: (grabs cell phone off desk) Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek.
Scene 069 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it.Angela MartinOpen quote: What?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.Angela MartinOpen quote: No, yeah, I think that's a good idea.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yeah?Angela MartinOpen quote: What color do you guys think?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: How about green?Angela MartinOpen quote: I think green is kind of whoreish.
Scene 071 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
Scene 086 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook!Michael ScottOpen quote: So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious.Angela MartinOpen quote: Meredith's allergic to dairy, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It is... her birthday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip?
Scene 094 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Absolutely, I do.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
Scene 101 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Scene 113 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you get your tickets?Jim HalpertOpen quote: To what?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: The gun show. (Rolls up his sleeve and kisses his bicep)
Scene 121 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."
Scene 131 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone.
Scene 146 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: An alliance?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What does that even mean?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products?
Scene 1510 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you tell Pam about the alliance?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What? No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just now.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Right, that's good, good, pursue this.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mmm hmm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Done.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right.
Scene 161 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (to the camera) Can you get her? She's right there. (camera zooms in on Meredith at here desk) That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. (laughs) Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." (pretends to vomit and laughs)
Scene 174 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: They seem awfully chummy, don't you think?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, what do you think that's about?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Only one way to find out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm on it.
Scene 184 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You are not going to believe this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What? I believe it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I could tell, from the body language.
Scene 194 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Italian.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone...Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah.
Scene 204 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good, let 'em. It helps our cause.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, they're forming an alliance
Scene 214 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: I love their sandwiches.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I love their sandwiches too.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Their bread's really good.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Their bread is very good.
Scene 224 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Damn it. God!Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: God... Damn it! Why us?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong.
Scene 2312 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (staring at birthday card) Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if...Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Donate to the charity?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: That's... that's... that's very generous.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so...
Scene 248 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (whispering) Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sure, what's up?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh no?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK, yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jackpot.
Scene 2613 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (looking at birthday card) Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, you wanted to see me?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. What do you know about Meredith?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't think she'd be missed.Michael ScottOpen quote: There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: She had a hysterectomy.Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughs) Which one is that again?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's where they remove the uterus.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It could be kind of funny.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time.
Scene 277 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh my God, we have to be there.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What? What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know. I know exactly what to do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (gives Dwight a high five) Great.
Scene 281 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.
Scene 292 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good.
Scene 302 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Michael? Are you done yet?Michael ScottOpen quote: Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet.
Scene 315 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So tape it down.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thank you, thank you. OK.
Scene 327 linesEveryoneOpen quote: Surprise!Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Oh! Surprise.Angela MartinOpen quote: No, it's ah...Michael ScottOpen quote: It's surprise Meredith. One, two...EveryoneOpen quote: (tunelessly) Happy birthday to you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Find a key.EveryoneOpen quote: Happy birthday...
Scene 333 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right... That's good.
Scene 341 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.
Scene 352 linesEveryoneOpen quote: (singing) ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you...Michael ScottOpen quote: And many more!
Scene 3610 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: Last year, five years ago...Michael ScottOpen quote: You were surprised, weren't you?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Uh, I can't. Um...Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on. A little bit.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I can't eat dairy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Yeah, it makes me sick.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good.
Scene 372 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: He's in a box?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic.
Scene 382 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (on her cell phone) Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (box falls over) Oh.
Scene 395 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is Oscar around?
Scene 4011 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile."Michael ScottOpen quote: Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: How many miles did he do last year?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Last year, he walked 18 miles.Michael ScottOpen quote: Son of a bitch. That is impressive.
Scene 4124 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Happy Birthday. (gives Meredith her card)Michael ScottOpen quote: Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: "Happy Bird-day" Um... "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still."Michael ScottOpen quote: (under his breath) I don't know about that.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam."Michael ScottOpen quote: (pretends to vomit) Huh! Thanks, downer.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."Michael ScottOpen quote: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: No, I... I get it. It's funny.Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughs) You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: You're right. You're right. Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..."Oscar MartinezOpen quote: How old is she?Michael ScottOpen quote: Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..."EveryoneOpen quote: How old is she?Michael ScottOpen quote: "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her."Michael ScottOpen quote: That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Uh, nice party Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that.Angela MartinOpen quote: Phyllis wanted red, I didn't.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh, boy... You...Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Per mile.Michael ScottOpen quote: Per mile, yes.
Scene 421 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back.
Scene 441 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, (whispering) that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him."
Scene 452 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Thank you, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Come here. (hugs Oscar and In a low voice) Don't cash that till Friday, OK?
Scene 466 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Really? Today?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Oh, Happy Birthday.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Thanks.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yeah, I could say something.Ryan HowardOpen quote: No, don't. Don't do that.
Scene 4717 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, tell me, tell me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... (Pam starts laughing)... spy on our other branch. No no no.Jim HalpertOpen quote: But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (laughing) That's perfect!Jim HalpertOpen quote: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair...Roy AndersonOpen quote: (yelling) What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no, dude, no.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, Hey!Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Come on.Jim HalpertOpen quote: God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's just office pranks.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (looking at Dwight) An alliance? What the hell is he talking about?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I have absolutely no idea.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Come on.
Scene 482 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (With blonde hair) That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.