Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Basketball

Vol. 1 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Michael really thought he was a basketball machine until he actually stepped on the court. You'll find every line from the game right here, from Dwight being the assistant team manager to the awkward tension between Jim and Roy. Since this is the full script, you won't miss a single one of Michael's dupee-do jazz moves or Stanley's legendary performance.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
(to Jim): Hey, you ready?
Michael Scott
All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. (Ryan holds up his bag) Very good. Excellent, excellent.
Dwight Schrute
Michael!

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun." And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.

Scene 03

16 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team.
Michael Scott
No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, please.
Michael Scott
(to camera) When I let him come to my pick-up game...
Dwight Schrute
I apologized for that.
Michael Scott
(to Dwight) I vouched for you.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I...
Michael Scott
I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Dwight Schrute
I can handle that.
Michael Scott
Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Dwight Schrute
And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael Scott
Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight Schrute
(to camera) Same thing.
Michael Scott
No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Dwight Schrute
It's close.

Scene 04

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim.
Jim Halpert
God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?
Phyllis Vance
Keep me out of it.

Scene 05

1 line
Pam Beesly
My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding.

Scene 06

12 lines
Michael Scott
All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan Howard
Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael Scott
And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Lonny
What's up?
Michael Scott
And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Darryl Philbin
It's not my real name.
Michael Scott
No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Ryan Howard
Darryl Rogers?
Darryl Philbin
Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Michael Scott
(laughs) And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, yeah.
Michael Scott
You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!

Scene 07

1 line
Pam Beesly
(on the phone) No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago.

Scene 09

7 lines
Michael Scott
So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Darryl Philbin
We're loading at one.
Michael Scott
Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Darryl Philbin
No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Michael Scott
Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. (clucking and dancing like a chicken)
Darryl Philbin
All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Michael Scott
All right, see you at one.

Scene 10

43 lines
Michael Scott
Are we ready for the game?
Everyone
(half-heartedly) Yeah.
Michael Scott
I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight Schrute
Gimli.
Michael Scott
Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute
Just trying to be helpful.
Michael Scott
Uh, (in a nerdy voice) "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."
Jim Halpert
That's him.
Michael Scott
OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley Hudson
I'm sorry?
Michael Scott
Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley Hudson
Why "of course"?
Michael Scott
Uh...
Stanley Hudson
What's that supposed to mean?
Michael Scott
Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim Halpert
Uh, I heard it.
Michael Scott
Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Phyllis Vance
I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Michael Scott
(ignores Phyllis)) Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Ryan Howard
But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Ryan Howard
OK.
Michael Scott
Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Oscar Martinez
I can help out, if you need me.
Michael Scott
I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Kevin Malone
I have a hoop in my driveway.
Michael Scott
No.
Phyllis Vance
I have a sports bra.
Michael Scott
No, no, ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, look. (Dwight throws paper at the garbage can)
Michael Scott
Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Michael Scott
Sorry Phyllis.
Dwight Schrute
Can I be team captain?
Michael Scott
No, I'm team captain.
Dwight Schrute
Can I be team manager?
Michael Scott
No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight Schrute
Assistant team manager?
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Michael Scott
Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God.
Michael Scott
Threat neutralized.

Scene 11

10 lines
Michael Scott
(hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper) Off the backboard!
Pam Beesly
Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael Scott
Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam Beesly
I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance.
Jim Halpert
I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...
Michael Scott
Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam Beesly
Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah right.
Phyllis Vance
I'll do it.
Michael Scott
Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.

Scene 12

9 lines
Michael Scott
Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Darryl Philbin
Just getting a tea bag.
Michael Scott
Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Darryl Philbin
Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
Michael Scott
Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
Darryl Philbin
No, that's not as much fun. You know what?
Michael Scott
What?
Darryl Philbin
You're on.
Michael Scott
OK. Cool, you're on. (to Dwight) Don't screw this up.

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
(to camera) Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game.

Scene 14

1 line
Angela Martin
Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? (Dwight holds the kit up) How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you.

Scene 15

1 line
Jim Halpert
Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here.

Scene 16

12 lines
Jim Halpert
You coming down?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.
Jim Halpert
You gonna wish me luck?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, you're gonna need it.
Jim Halpert
Whoa.
Jim Halpert
Is that trash talk from Pam?
Pam Beesly
(laughing) I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Pam Beesly
And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...
Jim Halpert
Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam Beesly
Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim Halpert
I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.

Scene 17

6 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it.
Jim Halpert
Have a good game man.
Roy Anderson
Yeah, you too. Should be fun.
Michael Scott
All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
Ryan Howard
I stretched before I came.
Michael Scott
OK.

Scene 18

19 lines
Michael Scott
OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Jim Halpert
Really? I thought I'd take Roy.
Michael Scott
Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys.
Dwight Schrute
(taking off his shirt) OK, we'll be skins!
Michael Scott
Aw, come on Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
What? Shirts on or off?
Michael Scott
On. Just put it on.
Dwight Schrute
You sure?
Michael Scott
Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?
Roy Anderson
Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
Michael Scott
Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! (Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up) Oh... Here we go! (Lonny shoots and makes it) Who's on him? Somebody get him!
Teammates
Yeah!
Roy Anderson
That's what I'm talking about.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. (Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael) Here we go. Three! (Shoots and misses) Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
Dwight Schrute
De-fense! (clap, clap) (Michael joins in) De-fense! (clap clap)
Michael & Dwight
De-fense! De-fense!
Warehouse worker
(Roy scores) Well done team.
Michael Scott
Who's got Roy? (Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket)
Pam Beesly
Woo!

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
(misses a half court shot) Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. (Dwight scores) Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go.

Scene 20

3 lines
Michael Scott
(Roy bumps Michael to get around him) OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul.
Roy Anderson
OK.
Michael Scott
OK, I'll take it. (misses free throw) OK.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone.

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
(misses another shot) What is wrong with me today?!

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually.

Scene 24

5 lines
Michael Scott
Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! (Michael looks away and misses Jim's pass) Whoa!
Jim Halpert
My bad.
Darryl Philbin
(scores) Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Lonny
(dancing) Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there.
Michael Scott
That is cool. Is that like the Robot?

Scene 25

4 lines
Michael Scott
(Ryan scores) Nice! Come here! (gives Ryan a chest bump)
Ryan Howard
Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine.
Darryl Philbin
You have one more free throw shoot. Come on.
Roy Anderson
All right, let's go.

Scene 26

6 lines
Warehouse worker
Watch your back Madge.
Madge
Hey! Come on man!
Michael Scott
Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
(scores) Yeah! (points to Madge) In your face!
Madge
Yeah, like that counts.
Michael Scott
You know what? Dwight, Dwight...

Scene 27

1 line
Michael Scott
Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... (singing) Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah...

Scene 28

6 lines
Michael Scott
(singing) Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter...
Roy Anderson
(steals the ball, scores, mimics singing) Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
Michael Scott
All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
Michael Scott
What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
Jim Halpert
You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael Scott
All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
Shoot, shoot it. (Roy hits Jim in the mouth with his elbow) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up.

Scene 30

3 lines
Darryl Philbin
Block, block, block!
Madge
He's afraid of you now.
Michael Scott
(Jim makes a shot after pushing off Roy) Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt?

Scene 31

4 lines
Michael Scott
(Jim pushes Roy to the ground and makes another shot) Yes!
Roy Anderson
What the hell man?
Jim Halpert
Take it easy.
Roy Anderson
No, you take it easy.

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
(Darryl scores) Watch the long passes, you guys!

Scene 33

3 lines
Ryan Howard
(Dwight steals the ball from Ryan) Same team, Dwight.
Michael Scott
Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
(scores) Yes!

Scene 34

30 lines
Michael Scott
(Phyllis scores) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?
Angela Martin
You're ahead.
Michael Scott
Yeah, baby, here we go!
Michael Scott
(Jim has the ball) Jim! Jim! Right here! (runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him) Ow! God! Hold it!
Worker
I'm sorry.
Michael Scott
Foul! Foul!
Worker
I'm sorry. You all right?
Michael Scott
Oh, that hurts.
Worker
Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Michael Scott
What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
Darryl Philbin
Take your shot man!
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
Worker
No it wasn't.
Michael Scott
(mocking voice) Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Worker
Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up...
Michael Scott
Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Angela Martin
This is a cold pack...
Dwight Schrute
Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. (bag explodes)
Michael Scott
Thanks Dwight.
Lonny
Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?
Michael Scott
Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
Darryl Philbin
That was you.
Michael Scott
It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Roy Anderson
No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, this isn't happening.
Michael Scott
Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Lonny
So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?
Michael Scott
Hey, hey...
Lonny
Monday?
Michael Scott
(laughing) You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.

Scene 35

8 lines
Jim Halpert
(to Pam) ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good.
Pam Beesly
Mmm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
I didn't sign anything.
Roy Anderson
Hey baby.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Roy Anderson
(to Jim) Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? (to Roy) Let's get you into a tub.
Roy Anderson
Yeah? Let's get you into a tub.

Scene 36

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, what a game, huh? What a game.
Oscar Martinez
What time do we have to come in?
Michael Scott
Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend.

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.