Every line from The Office episode "Basketball", season 1 episode 5.
Michael Scott: Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team.
Michael Scott: No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, please.
Michael Scott: (to camera) When I let him come to my pick-up game...
Dwight Schrute: I apologized for that.
Michael Scott: (to Dwight) I vouched for you.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I...
Michael Scott: I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Dwight Schrute: I can handle that.
Michael Scott: Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Dwight Schrute: And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Michael Scott: Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: (to camera) Same thing.
Michael Scott: No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Dwight Schrute: It's close.
Michael Scott: All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Ryan Howard: Fine, don't worry about that.
Michael Scott: And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Michael Scott: And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Darryl Philbin: It's not my real name.
Michael Scott: No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Ryan Howard: Darryl Rogers?
Darryl Philbin: Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Michael Scott: (laughs) And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Michael Scott: You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!
Michael Scott: So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Darryl Philbin: We're loading at one.
Michael Scott: Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Darryl Philbin: No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. (clucking and dancing like a chicken)
Darryl Philbin: All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Michael Scott: All right, see you at one.
Michael Scott: Are we ready for the game?
Everyone: (half-heartedly) Yeah.
Michael Scott: I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Michael Scott: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight Schrute: Just trying to be helpful.
Michael Scott: Uh, (in a nerdy voice) "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."
Michael Scott: OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Stanley Hudson: I'm sorry?
Michael Scott: Um, what do you play? Center?
Stanley Hudson: Why "of course"?
Stanley Hudson: What's that supposed to mean?
Michael Scott: Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Jim Halpert: Uh, I heard it.
Michael Scott: Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Phyllis Vance: I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Michael Scott: (ignores Phyllis)) Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Ryan Howard: But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Michael Scott: Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Oscar Martinez: I can help out, if you need me.
Michael Scott: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Kevin Malone: I have a hoop in my driveway.
Phyllis Vance: I have a sports bra.
Michael Scott: No, no, ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, look. (Dwight throws paper at the garbage can)
Michael Scott: Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Michael Scott: Sorry Phyllis.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team captain?
Michael Scott: No, I'm team captain.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be team manager?
Michael Scott: No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant team manager?
Dwight Schrute: OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Michael Scott: Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Michael Scott: Threat neutralized.
Michael Scott: (hits Pam in the head with a piece of paper) Off the backboard!
Pam Beesly: Please don't throw garbage at me.
Michael Scott: Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Pam Beesly: I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance.
Jim Halpert: I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...
Michael Scott: Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Pam Beesly: Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah right.
Phyllis Vance: I'll do it.
Michael Scott: Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.
Michael Scott: Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Darryl Philbin: Just getting a tea bag.
Michael Scott: Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face!
Darryl Philbin: Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's.
Michael Scott: Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday.
Darryl Philbin: No, that's not as much fun. You know what?
Darryl Philbin: You're on.
Michael Scott: OK. Cool, you're on. (to Dwight) Don't screw this up.
Jim Halpert: You coming down?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones.
Jim Halpert: You gonna wish me luck?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, you're gonna need it.
Jim Halpert: Is that trash talk from Pam?
Pam Beesly: (laughing) I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive.
Pam Beesly: And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so...
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam Beesly: Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim Halpert: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.
Michael Scott: Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it.
Jim Halpert: Have a good game man.
Roy Anderson: Yeah, you too. Should be fun.
Michael Scott: All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch?
Ryan Howard: I stretched before I came.
Michael Scott: OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy.
Jim Halpert: Really? I thought I'd take Roy.
Michael Scott: Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys.
Dwight Schrute: (taking off his shirt) OK, we'll be skins!
Michael Scott: Aw, come on Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: What? Shirts on or off?
Michael Scott: On. Just put it on.
Dwight Schrute: You sure?
Michael Scott: Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK?
Roy Anderson: Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.
Michael Scott: Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! (Roy steals the ball, and goes for a lay up) Oh... Here we go! (Lonny shoots and makes it) Who's on him? Somebody get him!
Roy Anderson: That's what I'm talking about.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. (Jim saves the ball from going out of bounds and passes to Michael) Here we go. Three! (Shoots and misses) Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone!
Dwight Schrute: De-fense! (clap, clap) (Michael joins in) De-fense! (clap clap)
Michael & Dwight: De-fense! De-fense!
Warehouse worker: (Roy scores) Well done team.
Michael Scott: Who's got Roy? (Jim does a behind the back move around Roy for the basket)
Michael Scott: (singing) Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter...
Roy Anderson: (steals the ball, scores, mimics singing) Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball.
Michael Scott: All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on!
Michael Scott: What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls.
Jim Halpert: You know what? Let me take Roy.
Michael Scott: All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on.
Michael Scott: (Phyllis scores) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score?
Angela Martin: You're ahead.
Michael Scott: Yeah, baby, here we go!
Michael Scott: (Jim has the ball) Jim! Jim! Right here! (runs into the elbow of the guy guarding him) Ow! God! Hold it!
Michael Scott: Foul! Foul!
Worker: I'm sorry. You all right?
Michael Scott: Oh, that hurts.
Worker: Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Michael Scott: What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason?
Darryl Philbin: Take your shot man!
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.
Michael Scott: (mocking voice) Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.
Worker: Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up...
Michael Scott: Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.
Angela Martin: This is a cold pack...
Dwight Schrute: Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. (bag explodes)
Michael Scott: Thanks Dwight.
Lonny: Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?
Michael Scott: Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.
Darryl Philbin: That was you.
Michael Scott: It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face.
Roy Anderson: No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, this isn't happening.
Michael Scott: Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so...
Lonny: So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right?
Michael Scott: Hey, hey...
Michael Scott: (laughing) You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 1. Basketball is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.