Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Hot Girl

Vol. 1 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

Michael tries his best to be "Pam 6.0" friendly when a purse salesperson visits the office, but mostly he just ends up buying an espresso machine he doesn't need. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from Dwight’s intense purse stress-testing to Jim and Pam’s awkward tension. It’s the perfect place to find that one specific quote about "thirsty babies" or Michael’s knock-off cologne.

Scene 01

16 lines
Jan Levinson
Are you listening to me Michael?
Michael Scott
Affirmative.
Jan Levinson
What did I just say?
Michael Scott
You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said...
Jan Levinson
Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael Scott
Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates!
Jan Levinson
I'm not going to do that Michael.
Michael Scott
Okay
Jan Levinson
We've created an incentive program to increase sales.
Michael Scott
Uh, huh.
Jan Levinson
At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars.
Michael Scott
Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize?
Jan Levinson
Uh, yes. Yes you can.
Michael Scott
Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to...
Jan Levinson
No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize.
Michael Scott
I didn't mean me!

Scene 02

19 lines
Michael Scott
Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else.
Dwight Schrute
Sex.
Michael Scott
It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing.
Dwight Schrute
Torture.
Michael Scott
Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid.
Pam Beesly
Uh, Michael?
Michael Scott
Pam!
Pam Beesly
Hey, there's a...
Michael Scott
Burger with cheese!
Pam Beesly
There's a person here...
Michael Scott
And fries!
Pam Beesly
There's...
Michael Scott
And shake! What? Go ahead.
Pam Beesly
There's a person here who wants to sell handbags.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction.
Pam Beesly
Okay, I told her you'd talk to her.
Michael Scott
Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Michael Scott
(exhales loudly, looks out window and sees Katy) Oooh, alright I'll talk to her.

Scene 03

14 lines
Katy
This one is hand embroidered.
Michael Scott
All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse.
Dwight Schrute
Cocks in the henhouse.
Michael Scott
Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass?
Katy
Katy.
Michael Scott
Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0.
Michael Scott
Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace.
Dwight Schrute
So am I.
Michael Scott
Nobody cares what you think.
Dwight Schrute
Doesn't matter.
Michael Scott
So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day.
Katy
Wow, thanks.
Pam Beesly
There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30.
Michael Scott
Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman.

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
I do. I read Small Businessman. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating.

Scene 05

12 lines
Michael Scott
This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. (knocks on wall) used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be.
Michael Scott
So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here.
Katy
I guess a cup of coffee would be great.
Michael Scott
Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks.
Katy
What?
Michael Scott
It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here.
Katy
Regular coffee is fine.
Michael Scott
Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb
Katy
No really it is.
Michael Scott
No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded?
Katy
Bring it on.
Michael Scott
Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right.

Scene 06

5 lines
Kevin Malone
So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around?
Pam Beesly
No.
Kevin Malone
She's prettier than you though.
Pam Beesly
That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
(nods)

Scene 07

1 line
Katy
So do you like the periwinkle and the purples?

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Scene 09

7 lines
Michael Scott
(handing Katy a mug of coffee) There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe.
Katy
Thank you.
Michael Scott
I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right?
Katy
Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um...
Michael Scott
Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please?
Ryan Howard
I'm installing File Share on all the computers.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right?

Scene 10

7 lines
Michael Scott
You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy.
Oscar Martinez
I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott
Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that.
Katy
That was on Sesame Street.
Michael Scott
I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here?
Katy
No, I don't believe that.
Michael Scott
I know, it's unbelievable.

Scene 11

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with.

Scene 12

17 lines
Michael Scott
Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby.
Katy
Hi
Toby Flenderson
Hi, nice to meet you.
Michael Scott
Toby, Katy.
Toby Flenderson
Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara?
Katy
Yeah.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, me too.
Katy
Cool. What year were you there?
Toby Flenderson
Eighty-nine.
Michael Scott
Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah.
Michael Scott
You and your wife, and you have kids.
Toby Flenderson
A girl.
Michael Scott
Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Toby Flenderson
(looks resigned)
Katy
I should probably get back to my table.
Michael Scott
Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. (looks at picture on Toby's desk) Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work.

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike.

Scene 14

14 lines
Roy Anderson
Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh?
Jim Halpert
Cute, sure, yeah.
Roy Anderson
Why don't you get on that?
Jim Halpert
She's not really my type.
Roy Anderson
What are you gay?
Jim Halpert
Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope.
Kevin Malone
What is your type?
Jim Halpert
(glances at Pam) Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really.
Roy Anderson
That's disgusting.
Kevin Malone
Stay away from my mom.
Jim Halpert
Too late, Kev.
Roy Anderson
(Katy walks through breakroom) Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
Pam Beesly
We're not dating, we're engaged.
Roy Anderson
Engaged, yeah.

Scene 15

1 line
Jim Halpert
Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems.

Scene 16

9 lines
Jim Halpert
She'd be perfect for you.
Dwight Schrute
Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot.
Jim Halpert
So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight Schrute
Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Jim Halpert
Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss.
Dwight Schrute
That's true.
Jim Halpert
Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there.
Dwight Schrute
True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name.
Jim Halpert
It's all gold.

Scene 17

1 line
Katy
Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions.

Scene 18

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back.
Dwight Schrute
What's that?
Jim Halpert
You buy a purse.
Dwight Schrute
I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them.
Dwight Schrute
Like those?
Jim Halpert
Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going...
Jim Halpert
No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go.

Scene 19

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good.
Pam Beesly
(smiles)
Jim Halpert
(mimicing Dwight in high-falsetto voice) Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta?
Pam Beesly
(mimicing Katy) Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that.
Jim Halpert
Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens.
Pam Beesly
Oh!
Jim Halpert
Oh! That was really. (Dwight hits purse against table) This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all.
Pam Beesly
Oh...
Jim Halpert
I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much?
Pam Beesly
Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad.
Jim Halpert
(whispering) Here he comes, shhh...
Jim Halpert
(gives Dwight a thumbs-up - mouths the word) Good.
Pam Beesly
(smiles in agreement)
Jim Halpert
He did pick a good one.
Pam Beesly
You're horrible.

Scene 20

18 lines
Katy
This one's really good for a hot date.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, what's that?
Katy
(laughs)
Pam Beesly
I'm engaged. So...
Katy
Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone.
Pam Beesly
I wished, right?
Michael Scott
Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? (to Katy) So how's that uh, coffee from earlier?
Katy
Good.
Michael Scott
Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys?
Katy
(whispers) Sorry.
Michael Scott
Busted.
Katy
(to Pam) Come back...
Michael Scott
Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones.
Katy
Is that from Starbucks?
Michael Scott
Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers.
Katy
Wow. Is that for the office?
Michael Scott
Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you!
Katy
I wouldn't think of it.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper!

Scene 22

19 lines
Michael Scott
(Katy reading text message on her phone) Oh the rotating um, steam wand. (Katy looks annoyed) What? What's the matter?
Katy
Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me.
Michael Scott
Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...?
Katy
Oh no, it's um...
Michael Scott
Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride.
Katy
No...
Michael Scott
Seriously. No, really.
Katy
No. I really don't want to inconvenience you.
Michael Scott
God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp.
Katy
At five?
Michael Scott
I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves.
Katy
Okay.
Michael Scott
What?
Katy
Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay.
Michael Scott
Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home.
Katy
Okay. Cool.
Michael Scott
Excellent.
Katy
Cool.
Michael Scott
Great. Cool. Cool. (takes deep breath - looks at camera) Yeah, okay.

Scene 23

17 lines
Michael Scott
I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So..
Dwight Schrute
It's actually better this way.
Michael Scott
No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto---
Dwight Schrute
Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because...
Michael Scott
No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much.
Michael Scott
But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home.
Dwight Schrute
Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab?
Michael Scott
Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot...
Dwight Schrute
Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home?
Michael Scott
No. I cannot promise you that.
Dwight Schrute
You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me?
Michael Scott
Listen, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Do you love her?
Michael Scott
(laughs) Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. (Dwight sadly looks away)

Scene 24

10 lines
Katy
I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that.
Stanley Hudson
Hmmm...
Michael Scott
Espresso?
Katy
Oh, thank you.
Michael Scott
You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm.
Stanley Hudson
Is that from the machine that was in your office?
Michael Scott
Ummm-hmmm...
Stanley Hudson
I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson.
Michael Scott
Very easy to clean.
Michael Scott
Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? (laughs)

Scene 25

5 lines
Michael Scott
Did we get any mail?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I gave it to you.
Michael Scott
Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and...
Pam Beesly
So, can I..? (points to the door)
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons?

Scene 26

20 lines
Jim Halpert
A futon?
Pam Beesly
(nods)
Jim Halpert
He's a grown man
Pam Beesly
That's what he said.
Jim Halpert
That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. (Jim sees Roy and trails off)
Roy Anderson
What's up?
Pam Beesly
(not looking at Roy) Hi.
Roy Anderson
Are you still mad at me?
Pam Beesly
Roy...
Roy Anderson
Come on (begins to tickle Pam)
Pam Beesly
Cut it out.
Roy Anderson
Come on, you mad at me?
Pam Beesly
Stop it. (laughing)
Roy Anderson
Are you still mad at me now?
Pam Beesly
(giggling) Cut it out.
Roy Anderson
Are you mad at me now?
Pam Beesly
Stop. (giggling)
Roy Anderson
Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding.
Pam Beesly
(breathless) Stop, I can't breathe.
Roy Anderson
I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't...

Scene 27

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone.

Scene 28

16 lines
Katy
You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet?
Angela Martin
I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping.
Katy
Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality.
Angela Martin
Yeah, uh no.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private?
Katy
I don't think so I'm really busy.
Dwight Schrute
It will just take a second.
Katy
I can't.
Dwight Schrute
Just for a minute.
Katy
I really can't.
Dwight Schrute
Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date.
Katy
No.
Dwight Schrute
Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date?
Katy
Both.
Katy
What colors do you like?
Angela Martin
Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal.

Scene 29

5 lines
Michael Scott
Ryan.
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Would you like to help me with a special project?
Ryan Howard
I would love to.
Michael Scott
Alright.

Scene 30

11 lines
Michael Scott
(in Michael's car) Okay, just throw out all the empties.
Ryan Howard
You don't want to recycle them?
Michael Scott
Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin.
Ryan Howard
Do you want this? (holding a full bottle of water)
Michael Scott
No.
Ryan Howard
What about this bottle of power drink?
Michael Scott
Uh, what flavor?
Ryan Howard
Blue.
Michael Scott
Blue's not a flavor.
Ryan Howard
It says flavor: Blue Blast.
Michael Scott
Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you.

Scene 31

12 lines
Jim Halpert
Hi.
Katy
Hi.
Jim Halpert
I'm Jim, by the way.
Katy
I'm Katy.
Jim Halpert
Hi Katy, nice to meet you.
Katy
You sit out there, don't you?
Jim Halpert
I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses.
Katy
Okay, um...
Jim Halpert
Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn.
Katy
Okay. (laughs)
Jim Halpert
Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can...
Katy
Okay.

Scene 32

8 lines
Michael Scott
What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir.
Ryan Howard
No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept.
Michael Scott
No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it.
Ryan Howard
Well, it's empty.
Michael Scott
Not it's not, there's some in the straw. (Michael opens bottle and wipes straw along his neck) There, now you may throw it out.
Ryan Howard
Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat?
Michael Scott
That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
(Under his breath) Still.

Scene 33

23 lines
Jim Halpert
What's up?
Pam Beesly
I'm bored.
Jim Halpert
Thank you for choosing me.
Pam Beesly
No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend?
Jim Halpert
Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
What are you guys going to do?
Jim Halpert
Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos.
Pam Beesly
That's great.
Jim Halpert
And stuff... yeah.
Pam Beesly
That's cool.
Jim Halpert
What are you doing?
Pam Beesly
I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
'Cause Roy's got a truck.
Jim Halpert
That's cool.
Pam Beesly
Uh, huh. Yes.
Jim Halpert
That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right?
Pam Beesly
Great.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Okay, I'm gonna head back.
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 34

1 line
Michael Scott
I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. (laughs) I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know.

Scene 35

25 lines
Michael Scott
Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem.
Katy
Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you.
Michael Scott
See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Goodnight, Michael.
Michael Scott
Where you going?
Jim Halpert
I don't know. Grab a drink, I think?
Michael Scott
With us?
Katy
I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook.
Michael Scott
Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool.
Jim Halpert
I got this. (taking Katy's bag from Michael)
Michael Scott
Alright, have fun.
Katy
Thanks.
Jim Halpert
I got it.
Michael Scott
Don't drink and drive.
Michael Scott
Take it easy.
Jim Halpert
Have a good night.
Michael Scott
You too, have a good night.
Katy
You got that?
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter.
Katy
Good. Here. Squeeze it inside.
Jim Halpert
Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay?
Katy
Why?
Jim Halpert
This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay.
Katy
It's a... it's a very nice car.
Jim Halpert
You're not going to freak out?

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.