Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Dundies

Vol. 2 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Here's the full script from the night Michael Scott took over Chili's and Pam felt God in the building. You'll find every line and quote from "The Dundies," including the "Bushiest Beaver" award and that legendary kiss. It's the complete breakdown of the season two premiere that changed everything.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. (holds up a trophy of a business man) And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...

Scene 02

2 lines
Jim Halpert
So, you ready for the... the Dundies?
Pam Beesly
Ugh...

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.

Scene 04

3 lines
Michael Scott
(in a Fat Albert voice) Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert.
Jim Halpert
What?
Michael Scott
(in Fat Albert voice) Fat Halpert. (in normal voice) Jim Halpert.

Scene 05

5 lines
Michael Scott
So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?
Jim Halpert
Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky.
Michael Scott
Oh, that's a good idea.
Dwight Schrute
Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Michael Scott
Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame.

Scene 07

7 lines
Michael Scott
And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.
Stanley Hudson
I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out.
Michael Scott
Oh, no you di-int.
Stanley Hudson
I think I did.
Michael Scott
W-why did you...
Stanley Hudson
Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?
Michael Scott
Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, (turns to Kevin) someone had eaten all of them.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
(in video) To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah!

Scene 09

1 line
Pam Beesly
Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights.

Scene 10

6 lines
Oscar Martinez
(in video) That's supposed to be confidential.
Michael Scott
(in video) He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!
Michael Scott
(singing along to tune on video) A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...
Michael Scott
(in video)...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.
Michael Scott
(on video) ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...

Scene 11

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
It was you.
Phyllis Vance
Live and learn.
Pam Beesly
(quietly laughing) It wasn't. I swear.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, it was.

Scene 12

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.
Pam Beesly
We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
So who are we laughing at?
Pam Beesly
Um, just something somebody wrote.
Dwight Schrute
Who? Dave Barry?
Kelly Kapoor
(laughing) No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall.
Dwight Schrute
What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam Beesly
Um, it's kind of private.
Phyllis Vance
(whispering) It's about Michael.
Dwight Schrute
That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Pam Beesly
Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

Scene 13

23 lines
Michael Scott
(talking to the speakerphone) Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Jan Levinson
(on speaker phone) It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.
Michael Scott
Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
Jan Levinson
No.
Michael Scott
Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...
Jan Levinson
No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this.
Michael Scott
Um...
Michael Scott
(to camera) Could you...?
Jan Levinson
Are you there Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.
Michael Scott
Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...
Michael Scott
...come on, Jan!
Michael Scott
You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Jan Levinson
Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael Scott
Well, yeah, I mean, what is...
Jan Levinson
You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael Scott
No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
Jan Levinson
And you had a luau....
Michael Scott
...it happens once every billion years.
Jan Levinson
And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael Scott
Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan Levinson
Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.
Michael Scott
Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
This is a little character I like to do (places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head), it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. (puts an envelope to his head) Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. (tears open envelope and pulls out card) "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.

Scene 15

10 lines
Phyllis Vance
Dwight, get out of here!!
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, no...
Phyllis Vance
What were you doing in the ladies room?!
Dwight Schrute
...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
Phyllis Vance
Why were you peering over the stalls?!
Dwight Schrute
No, why were you in there?!
Phyllis Vance
You are a pervert!
Dwight Schrute
What were you doing in there?
Phyllis Vance
You, are, a pervert!
Dwight Schrute
I am not.

Scene 16

7 lines
Michael Scott
(in video) The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley.
Michael Scott
Pam, everybody! (starts clapping)
Michael Scott
Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.
Roy Anderson
(on video) Yes.
Michael Scott
(on video) Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?
Roy Anderson
(on video) Ah, w-we'll see you next year.
Michael Scott
(on video) Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!

Scene 17

5 lines
Michael Scott
I'm not changing that, it's the best one.
Jim Halpert
No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know?
Michael Scott
That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.
Jim Halpert
Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.
Michael Scott
Oh, (taking it to heart) lazy. Uh huh.

Scene 18

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.

Scene 19

14 lines
Pam Beesly
You're taking away our bathroom?
Dwight Schrute
We are going to have two men's rooms.
Phyllis Vance
But where would we...go?
Dwight Schrute
Be prepared to hold folks (Michael comes out of his office) From 9 am to...
Pam Beesly
Michael...
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.
Michael Scott
Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.
Dwight Schrute
Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...
Michael Scott
Just don't, don't talk-
Dwight Schrute
...for people's behavior.
Michael Scott
Don't talk-
Dwight Schrute
And it's-
Michael Scott
Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!

Scene 20

4 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.
Dwight Schrute
(with a small fist pump) Yes!
Michael Scott
Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.
Dwight Schrute
(clapping) Best Dundies ever.

Scene 21

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.
Dwight Schrute
Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. (points) Devon!

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
"The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." (to Ryan) Card!

Scene 23

1 line
Oscar Martinez
The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like.

Scene 24

3 lines
Michael Scott
"You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-"
Dwight Schrute
The waitress tripped on the cord.
Michael Scott
Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. (takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo) I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!

Scene 25

7 lines
Kevin Malone
(to waitress) Oh, just put these on the group tab.
Michael Scott
Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks.
Stanley Hudson
You said, we could bring our families.
Michael Scott
I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?
Stanley Hudson
I did, my wife's name is Terri.
Michael Scott
Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri.
Stanley Hudson
It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael.

Scene 26

9 lines
Michael Scott
(to Dwight, in a low voice) Shut it. (normal voice) Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Really? We don't have any girls from HR.
Michael Scott
No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah?
Michael Scott
And I was about to take her bra off...
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
Dwight Schrute
Like an AIDS test?
Michael Scott
No! (under his breath) God.

Scene 27

1 line
Michael Scott
(clears throat) Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted.

Scene 28

3 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey let's go to Poor Richard's.
Roy Anderson
Yeah, let's get out of here.
Pam Beesly
Um...

Scene 29

2 lines
Michael Scott
Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started.
Pam Beesly
Sorry.

Scene 30

2 lines
Ryan Howard
You staying?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, gotta eat somewhere.

Scene 31

7 lines
Michael Scott
And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts...
Michael Scott
...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
Michael Scott
Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.
Phyllis Vance
This says "Bushiest Beaver".
Michael Scott
What? I told them busiest...idiots.
Phyllis Vance
It's, it's fine.
Michael Scott
Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.

Scene 32

7 lines
Pam Beesly
...because that's what happens every time!
Roy Anderson
...talking about? He's a jackass every year.
Pam Beesly
No.
Roy Anderson
(Put's his hand on Pam's arm) Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's.
Pam Beesly
(Breaks Roy's grip) No, I don't want to go, I don't want to.
Roy Anderson
Pam. Go.
Pam Beesly
If you would have asked me that, then you would know.

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
(in a stereotypical oriental accent) Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.

Scene 34

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?
Pam Beesly
Oh no, I just, I decided to stay.
Jim Halpert
Oh!
Pam Beesly
I'll just get a ride home from Angela.
Jim Halpert
Oh.

Scene 35

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
(doing impression) Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.
Michael Scott
Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout.

Scene 36

1 line
Pam Beesly
(to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer) Can I get a drink?

Scene 37

3 lines
Michael Scott
This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.
Michael Scott
Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!
Michael Scott
Yeah. (singing to music) "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go.

Scene 38

1 line
Ryan Howard
What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now.

Scene 39

2 lines
Michael Scott
And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down.
Angela Martin
No.

Scene 40

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(Pam starts sipping an empty glass) I think those might be empty.
Pam Beesly
No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! (laughs)
Jim Halpert
Second drink?

Scene 41

9 lines
Michael Scott
The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.
Kelly Kapoor
"Spicy Curry", what's that mean?
Michael Scott
Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?
Michael Scott
I don't know, it's just...
Kelly Kapoor
This is a bowler-
Michael Scott
I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So...
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, but everyone else-
Michael Scott
Just sit down Kelly.

Scene 42

1 line
Michael Scott
(sweaty and chugging water from a bottle) It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. (Music starts playing in the background) Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go.

Scene 43

4 lines
Michael Scott
(Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John) "You have won a tiny Dundie."
Guy at bar
Sing it Elton.
Michael Scott
Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?
Other Guy at Bar
We just came from yo' mama's house.

Scene 44

8 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, alright, yeah.
Guy At Bar
Sing 'em a song dude.
Michael Scott
Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh...
Michael Scott
(Something flies by Michael) Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-
Guy At Bar
You suck man!
Michael Scott
Let's cut it. (Dwight turns the music off)
Michael Scott
(clears throat) (with a lot less enthusiasm) I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. (clears throat) This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...
Michael Scott
(give Kevin his award)There you go.

Scene 45

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom.
Jim Halpert
(starts clapping) Yeah, alright Kev.
Pam Beesly
Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet!
Jim Halpert
Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.
Pam Beesly
More Dundies!
Pam & Jim
(clapping) Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Everyone
Dundies! Dundies!
Michael Scott
(getting his spirit back) Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.
Pam Beesly
Fine work! Fine work Stanley!
Michael Scott
You know you did.

Scene 46

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech (other people start joining in)
Stanley Hudson
Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't...
Stanley Hudson
So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. (starts chuckling)

Scene 47

3 lines
Michael Scott
And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...
Michael Scott
...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.
Michael Scott
It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!

Scene 48

6 lines
Michael Scott
Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! (Pam grabs the microphone from him) Oh, here we go.
Pam Beesly
I have so many people to thank for this award.
Pam Beesly
Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. (people clap) Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because (people start clapping again) this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too.
Pam Beesly
Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie.
Pam Beesly
And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
Michael Scott
Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. (Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek) Oh! Thank you.

Scene 49

1 line
Jim Halpert
What a great year for the Dundies.

Scene 50

7 lines
Jim Halpert
We got to see Ping. (Pam nods) And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. (Pam nods) Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. (Pam nods) Which for me, has ruined them for life. (looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding)
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Nothing.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
I don't know, what?
Jim Halpert
Oh my God! You are so drunk!

Scene 51

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.
Dwight Schrute
Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.
Jim Halpert
He's a volunteer.
Dwight Schrute
Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-
Jim Halpert
Dwight come on, come-
Dwight Schrute
It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt.
Pam Beesly
Dwight, get off me!
Employee
I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.
Dwight Schrute
(struggling) Ahh! I can't-

Scene 52

1 line
Michael Scott
Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.

Scene 53

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh my God!
Jim Halpert
Whoa.
Pam Beesly
I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jim Halpert
Whoa.
Jim Halpert
Whoa, careful, careful.

Scene 54

1 line
Chili's Employee
We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again.

Scene 55

5 lines
Michael Scott
Great work tonight.
Dwight Schrute
Watch your step.
Michael Scott
Excellent.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.
Michael Scott
Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.

Scene 56

2 lines
Pam Beesly
I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.
Jim Halpert
No you don't.

Scene 57

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there.
Pam Beesly
Hey, um, can I ask you a question?
Jim Halpert
Shoot.
Pam Beesly
Um, I just wanted to say thanks.
Jim Halpert
Not really a question. (starts to laugh) Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk.
Jim Halpert
Alright.
Pam Beesly
Bye.
Jim Halpert
Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.