Scene 011 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. (holds up a trophy of a business man) And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...
Scene 022 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: So, you ready for the... the Dundies?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ugh...
Scene 031 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Scene 043 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (in a Fat Albert voice) Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: (in Fat Albert voice) Fat Halpert. (in normal voice) Jim Halpert.
Scene 055 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, that's a good idea.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.Michael ScottOpen quote: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.
Scene 061 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame.
Scene 077 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, no you di-int.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I think I did.Michael ScottOpen quote: W-why did you...Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, (turns to Kevin) someone had eaten all of them.
Scene 081 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (in video) To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah!
Scene 091 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights.
Scene 106 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: (in video) That's supposed to be confidential.Michael ScottOpen quote: (in video) He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!Michael ScottOpen quote: (singing along to tune on video) A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...Michael ScottOpen quote: (in video)...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.Michael ScottOpen quote: (on video) ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...
Scene 114 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: It was you.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Live and learn.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (quietly laughing) It wasn't. I swear.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah, it was.
Scene 1211 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So who are we laughing at?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, just something somebody wrote.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Who? Dave Barry?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: (laughing) No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What is it? Who wrote it?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, it's kind of private.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (whispering) It's about Michael.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, now I'm laughing at you.
Scene 1323 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (talking to the speakerphone) Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (on speaker phone) It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um...Michael ScottOpen quote: (to camera) Could you...?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Are you there Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...Michael ScottOpen quote: ...come on, Jan!Michael ScottOpen quote: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, yeah, I mean, what is...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.Michael ScottOpen quote: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: And you had a luau....Michael ScottOpen quote: ...it happens once every billion years.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
Scene 141 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: This is a little character I like to do (places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head), it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. (puts an envelope to his head) Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. (tears open envelope and pulls out card) "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.
Scene 1510 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Dwight, get out of here!!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no, no, no...Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What were you doing in the ladies room?!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Why were you peering over the stalls?!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, why were you in there?!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You are a pervert!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What were you doing in there?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You, are, a pervert!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I am not.
Scene 167 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (in video) The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley.Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam, everybody! (starts clapping)Michael ScottOpen quote: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (on video) Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: (on video) Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?Roy AndersonOpen quote: (on video) Ah, w-we'll see you next year.Michael ScottOpen quote: (on video) Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!
Scene 175 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I'm not changing that, it's the best one.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know?Michael ScottOpen quote: That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, (taking it to heart) lazy. Uh huh.
Scene 181 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom.
Scene 1914 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: You're taking away our bathroom?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We are going to have two men's rooms.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: But where would we...go?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Be prepared to hold folks (Michael comes out of his office) From 9 am to...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael...Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...Michael ScottOpen quote: Just don't, don't talk-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...for people's behavior.Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't talk-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And it's-Michael ScottOpen quote: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
Scene 204 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (with a small fist pump) Yes!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (clapping) Best Dundies ever.
Scene 212 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. (points) Devon!
Scene 221 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." (to Ryan) Card!
Scene 231 lineOscar MartinezOpen quote: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like.
Scene 243 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: "You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-"Dwight SchruteOpen quote: The waitress tripped on the cord.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. (takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo) I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!
Scene 257 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (to waitress) Oh, just put these on the group tab.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You said, we could bring our families.Michael ScottOpen quote: I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I did, my wife's name is Terri.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael.
Scene 269 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (to Dwight, in a low voice) Shut it. (normal voice) Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really? We don't have any girls from HR.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah?Michael ScottOpen quote: And I was about to take her bra off...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah!Michael ScottOpen quote: ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Like an AIDS test?Michael ScottOpen quote: No! (under his breath) God.
Scene 271 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (clears throat) Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted.
Scene 283 linesDarryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hey let's go to Poor Richard's.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Yeah, let's get out of here.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um...
Scene 292 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sorry.
Scene 317 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts...Michael ScottOpen quote: ...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: This says "Bushiest Beaver".Michael ScottOpen quote: What? I told them busiest...idiots.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: It's, it's fine.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.
Scene 327 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: ...because that's what happens every time!Roy AndersonOpen quote: ...talking about? He's a jackass every year.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (Put's his hand on Pam's arm) Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (Breaks Roy's grip) No, I don't want to go, I don't want to.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Pam. Go.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: If you would have asked me that, then you would know.
Scene 331 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (in a stereotypical oriental accent) Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould.
Scene 345 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'll just get a ride home from Angela.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh.
Scene 354 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: (doing impression) Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.Michael ScottOpen quote: Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout.
Scene 361 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: (to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim's beer) Can I get a drink?
Scene 373 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.Michael ScottOpen quote: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. (singing to music) "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go.
Scene 381 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now.
Scene 392 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down.Angela MartinOpen quote: No.
Scene 403 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Pam starts sipping an empty glass) I think those might be empty.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! (laughs)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Second drink?
Scene 419 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: "Spicy Curry", what's that mean?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't know, it's just...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: This is a bowler-Michael ScottOpen quote: I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah, but everyone else-Michael ScottOpen quote: Just sit down Kelly.
Scene 421 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (sweaty and chugging water from a bottle) It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. (Music starts playing in the background) Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go.
Scene 434 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John) "You have won a tiny Dundie."Guy at barOpen quote: Sing it Elton.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?Other Guy at BarOpen quote: We just came from yo' mama's house.
Scene 448 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh, alright, yeah.Guy At BarOpen quote: Sing 'em a song dude.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh...Michael ScottOpen quote: (Something flies by Michael) Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-Guy At BarOpen quote: You suck man!Michael ScottOpen quote: Let's cut it. (Dwight turns the music off)Michael ScottOpen quote: (clears throat) (with a lot less enthusiasm) I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. (clears throat) This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...Michael ScottOpen quote: (give Kevin his award)There you go.
Scene 4510 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (starts clapping) Yeah, alright Kev.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: More Dundies!Pam & JimOpen quote: (clapping) Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!EveryoneOpen quote: Dundies! Dundies!Michael ScottOpen quote: (getting his spirit back) Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Fine work! Fine work Stanley!Michael ScottOpen quote: You know you did.
Scene 463 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech (other people start joining in)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't...Stanley HudsonOpen quote: So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. (starts chuckling)
Scene 473 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley...Michael ScottOpen quote: ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year.Michael ScottOpen quote: It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on!
Scene 486 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! (Pam grabs the microphone from him) Oh, here we go.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I have so many people to thank for this award.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. (people clap) Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because (people start clapping again) this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. (Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek) Oh! Thank you.
Scene 507 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: We got to see Ping. (Pam nods) And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. (Pam nods) Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. (Pam nods) Which for me, has ruined them for life. (looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding)Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nothing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don't know, what?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God! You are so drunk!
Scene 519 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: He's a volunteer.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight come on, come-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Dwight, get off me!EmployeeOpen quote: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (struggling) Ahh! I can't-
Scene 521 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.
Scene 535 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my God!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoa.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoa.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoa, careful, careful.
Scene 541 lineChili's EmployeeOpen quote: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again.
Scene 555 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Great work tonight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Watch your step.Michael ScottOpen quote: Excellent.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.
Scene 562 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No you don't.
Scene 578 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Shoot.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um, I just wanted to say thanks.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not really a question. (starts to laugh) Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Bye.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.