Every line from The Office episode "The Dundies", season 2 episode 1.
Michael Scott: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. (holds up a trophy of a business man) And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...
Michael Scott: So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky.
Michael Scott: Oh, that's a good idea.
Dwight Schrute: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Michael Scott: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends.
Michael Scott: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling.
Stanley Hudson: I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out.
Michael Scott: Oh, no you di-int.
Stanley Hudson: I think I did.
Michael Scott: W-why did you...
Stanley Hudson: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember?
Michael Scott: Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, (turns to Kevin) someone had eaten all of them.
Oscar Martinez: (in video) That's supposed to be confidential.
Michael Scott: (in video) He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight!
Michael Scott: (singing along to tune on video) A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing...
Michael Scott: (in video)...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere...
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great.
Michael Scott: (on video) ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of...
Dwight Schrute: So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either.
Pam Beesly: We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: So who are we laughing at?
Pam Beesly: Um, just something somebody wrote.
Dwight Schrute: Who? Dave Barry?
Kelly Kapoor: (laughing) No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall.
Dwight Schrute: What is it? Who wrote it?
Pam Beesly: Um, it's kind of private.
Phyllis Vance: (whispering) It's about Michael.
Dwight Schrute: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Pam Beesly: Okay, now I'm laughing at you.
Michael Scott: (talking to the speakerphone) Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton?
Jan Levinson: (on speaker phone) It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home.
Michael Scott: Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So...
Jan Levinson: No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this.
Michael Scott: (to camera) Could you...?
Jan Levinson: Are you there Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that.
Michael Scott: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean...
Michael Scott: ...come on, Jan!
Michael Scott: You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here.
Jan Levinson: Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you?
Michael Scott: Well, yeah, I mean, what is...
Jan Levinson: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
Michael Scott: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party...
Jan Levinson: And you had a luau....
Michael Scott: ...it happens once every billion years.
Jan Levinson: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money.
Michael Scott: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N.
Jan Levinson: Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense.
Michael Scott: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage.
Michael Scott: This is a little character I like to do (places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head), it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. (puts an envelope to his head) Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. (tears open envelope and pulls out card) "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk.
Phyllis Vance: Dwight, get out of here!!
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no...
Phyllis Vance: What were you doing in the ladies room?!
Dwight Schrute: ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think.
Phyllis Vance: Why were you peering over the stalls?!
Dwight Schrute: No, why were you in there?!
Phyllis Vance: You are a pervert!
Dwight Schrute: What were you doing in there?
Phyllis Vance: You, are, a pervert!
Dwight Schrute: I am not.
Michael Scott: (in video) The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley.
Michael Scott: Pam, everybody! (starts clapping)
Michael Scott: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting.
Roy Anderson: (on video) Yes.
Michael Scott: (on video) Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf?
Roy Anderson: (on video) Ah, w-we'll see you next year.
Michael Scott: (on video) Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God!
Michael Scott: I'm not changing that, it's the best one.
Jim Halpert: No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know?
Michael Scott: That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.
Jim Halpert: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy.
Michael Scott: Oh, (taking it to heart) lazy. Uh huh.
Pam Beesly: You're taking away our bathroom?
Dwight Schrute: We are going to have two men's rooms.
Phyllis Vance: But where would we...go?
Dwight Schrute: Be prepared to hold folks (Michael comes out of his office) From 9 am to...
Pam Beesly: ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now.
Dwight Schrute: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions...
Michael Scott: Just don't, don't talk-
Dwight Schrute: ...for people's behavior.
Michael Scott: Don't talk-
Dwight Schrute: And it's-
Michael Scott: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!!
Michael Scott: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.
Dwight Schrute: (with a small fist pump) Yes!
Michael Scott: Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.
Dwight Schrute: (clapping) Best Dundies ever.
Michael Scott: "You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-"
Dwight Schrute: The waitress tripped on the cord.
Michael Scott: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. (takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo) I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink!
Kevin Malone: (to waitress) Oh, just put these on the group tab.
Michael Scott: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks.
Stanley Hudson: You said, we could bring our families.
Michael Scott: I did. And why didn't ya Stanley?
Stanley Hudson: I did, my wife's name is Terri.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri.
Stanley Hudson: It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael.
Michael Scott: (to Dwight, in a low voice) Shut it. (normal voice) Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Really? We don't have any girls from HR.
Michael Scott: No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy.
Michael Scott: And I was about to take her bra off...
Michael Scott: ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork-
Dwight Schrute: Like an AIDS test?
Michael Scott: No! (under his breath) God.
Michael Scott: And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts...
Michael Scott: ...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin.
Michael Scott: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual.
Phyllis Vance: This says "Bushiest Beaver".
Michael Scott: What? I told them busiest...idiots.
Phyllis Vance: It's, it's fine.
Michael Scott: Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that.
Pam Beesly: ...because that's what happens every time!
Roy Anderson: ...talking about? He's a jackass every year.
Roy Anderson: (Put's his hand on Pam's arm) Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's.
Pam Beesly: (Breaks Roy's grip) No, I don't want to go, I don't want to.
Pam Beesly: If you would have asked me that, then you would know.
Pam Beesly: Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping.
Michael Scott: (doing impression) Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny.
Michael Scott: Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout.
Michael Scott: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office.
Michael Scott: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp!
Michael Scott: Yeah. (singing to music) "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go.
Michael Scott: The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go.
Kelly Kapoor: "Spicy Curry", what's that mean?
Michael Scott: Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, but why'd you give it to me?
Michael Scott: I don't know, it's just...
Kelly Kapoor: This is a bowler-
Michael Scott: I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So...
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, but everyone else-
Michael Scott: Just sit down Kelly.
Michael Scott: (Michael is singing to the tune of "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John) "You have won a tiny Dundie."
Guy at bar: Sing it Elton.
Michael Scott: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from?
Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo' mama's house.
Michael Scott: Oh, alright, yeah.
Guy At Bar: Sing 'em a song dude.
Michael Scott: Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh...
Michael Scott: (Something flies by Michael) Hey, you know, cool it guys, really-
Guy At Bar: You suck man!
Michael Scott: Let's cut it. (Dwight turns the music off)
Michael Scott: (clears throat) (with a lot less enthusiasm) I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. (clears throat) This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...
Michael Scott: (give Kevin his award)There you go.
Pam Beesly: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom.
Jim Halpert: (starts clapping) Yeah, alright Kev.
Pam Beesly: Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet!
Jim Halpert: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going.
Pam Beesly: More Dundies!
Pam & Jim: (clapping) Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Everyone: Dundies! Dundies!
Michael Scott: (getting his spirit back) Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year.
Pam Beesly: Fine work! Fine work Stanley!
Michael Scott: You know you did.
Pam Beesly: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech (other people start joining in)
Stanley Hudson: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't...
Stanley Hudson: So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. (starts chuckling)
Michael Scott: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! (Pam grabs the microphone from him) Oh, here we go.
Pam Beesly: I have so many people to thank for this award.
Pam Beesly: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. (people clap) Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because (people start clapping again) this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too.
Pam Beesly: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie.
Pam Beesly: And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
Michael Scott: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. (Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek) Oh! Thank you.
Jim Halpert: We got to see Ping. (Pam nods) And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. (Pam nods) Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. (Pam nods) Which for me, has ruined them for life. (looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding)
Jim Halpert: I don't know, what?
Jim Halpert: Oh my God! You are so drunk!
Jim Halpert: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on.
Dwight Schrute: Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.
Jim Halpert: He's a volunteer.
Dwight Schrute: Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush-
Jim Halpert: Dwight come on, come-
Dwight Schrute: It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, get off me!
Employee: I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat.
Dwight Schrute: (struggling) Ahh! I can't-
Michael Scott: Great work tonight.
Dwight Schrute: Watch your step.
Michael Scott: Excellent.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.
Michael Scott: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work.
Jim Halpert: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there.
Pam Beesly: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?
Pam Beesly: Um, I just wanted to say thanks.
Jim Halpert: Not really a question. (starts to laugh) Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk.
Jim Halpert: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.
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