Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Christmas Party

Vol. 2 · Issue 10Scranton, PA

Every line from the "Christmas Party" episode is right here, from Michael's $400 iPod flex to the total chaos of Yankee Swap. You can follow along with the full script as Jim tries to get Pam that sentimental teapot and Michael brings in way too much vodka to save the party. It's all the dialogue and best jokes from the Dunder Mifflin crew's legendary holiday bash.

Scene 01

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
Go. Get the door.
Michael Scott
Here we are.
Dwight Schrute
Go. Push!
Michael Scott
Oh god.
Dwight Schrute
Push!
Michael Scott
No, no, turn it around.
Dwight Schrute
Really shove it.
Michael Scott
You'll break it.
Dwight Schrute
Shove it through! Break it!
Michael Scott
You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight.
Michael Scott
All right.
Dwight Schrute
I got a splinter.
Michael Scott
Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! (laughs) Nice, huh?
Dwight Schrute
I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.
Michael Scott
On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.
Dwight Schrute
One, two, three. (they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.)
Michael Scott
Merry Christmas!

Scene 02

5 lines
Michael Scott
Did it work?
Kevin Malone
(holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter) Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?
Michael Scott
A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.
Kevin Malone
But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?
Michael Scott
Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.

Scene 03

1 line
Jim Halpert
So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. (holds up a miniature pencil) This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.

Scene 04

3 lines
Angela Martin
Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights?
Phyllis Vance
Yes, I got those cute little ones. (Angela looks at her disapprovingly) Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?
Angela Martin
We'll see.

Scene 05

1 line
Ryan Howard
Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive.

Scene 06

3 lines
Michael Scott
(comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard) Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, (points to Ryan) pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting?
Angela Martin
Fifty.
Michael Scott
Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.

Scene 08

3 lines
Michael Scott
I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive.
Pam Beesly
You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.

Scene 09

4 lines
Kevin & Oscar
One, two, three. (they lift and start to move a desk)
Dwight Schrute
You guys should use a hand truck.
Kevin Malone
Do we have one?
Dwight Schrute
No.

Scene 10

1 line
Angela Martin
(having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by) Will you help me?

Scene 11

11 lines
Michael Scott
No! No way! It... no.
Darryl Philbin
Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours.
Michael Scott
You wanna be Santa?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Have you ever seen Santa?
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I've seen Santa.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Darryl Philbin
Who cares?
Michael Scott
Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I would like to be the elf.
Michael Scott
That makes sense because he has elfish features.

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(now wearing an elf hat and ears) Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael.

Scene 13

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that.

Scene 14

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain.

Scene 15

1 line
Kevin Malone
I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't (smiles happily).

Scene 16

11 lines
Michael Scott
You get something good this year?
Jim Halpert
I think I did a pretty good job.
Michael Scott
Yeah? Who did you have?
Jim Halpert
Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret.
Michael Scott
I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Michael Scott
I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Jim Halpert
Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ?
Michael Scott
Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
Jim Halpert
That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can ..
Michael Scott
It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.

Scene 17

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons.
Stanley Hudson
I know how to plug something in.
Dwight Schrute
I want to do it.
Michael Scott
All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?
Everyone
Three, two, one. (very dim lights come on the tree)
Michael Scott
Not great.
Phyllis Vance
I'm sorry, everybody.
Pam Beesly
I think the tree looks nice.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, I could get some flares from my car.
Michael Scott
No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth."

Scene 19

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
First present, Oscar.
Oscar Martinez
(rips off the wrapping) Shower radio. Neat.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, good, that was from me.
Oscar Martinez
Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of ..
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim.
Jim Halpert
Oh, cool. (opens his plastic bag)
Creed Bratton
That's from me.
Jim Halpert
Great. Where did you get it?
Creed Bratton
I don't know. It was so long ago.

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number (holds up way-too-short sleeves) and then threw it in a bag.

Scene 21

1 line
Creed Bratton
Yep. That's exactly what happened.

Scene 22

17 lines
Dwight Schrute
Pam.
Pam Beesly
(opens up her present) Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome.
Jim Halpert
There's a little more to it.
Dwight Schrute
All right, next. Ryan. (tosses present)
Michael Scott
No, don't!
Ryan Howard
(unwraps present) Whoa, a video iPod.
Michael Scott
Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.
Ryan Howard
Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks.
Michael Scott
You don't know that.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, you left the price tag on.
Michael Scott
I did?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?
Dwight Schrute
Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh hey, for me. What is in here? (opens a handmade oven mitt) Oh, come on.
Phyllis Vance
I knitted it for you.
Michael Scott
An oven mitt? Okay. (walks out)

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod.

Scene 24

12 lines
Kevin Malone
Should we just keep opening up the presents?
Dwight Schrute
We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.
Michael Scott
I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
Jim Halpert
What is Yankee Swap?
Michael Scott
One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift.
Jim Halpert
I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Michael Scott
Well, I call it fun!
Oscar Martinez
Why are we doing this?
Michael Scott
Because it's better. Because it's more special.
Angela Martin
It sounds mean.
Michael Scott
Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot.

Scene 25

1 line
Angela Martin
Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. (starts to cry)

Scene 26

10 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt.
Meredith Palmer
I'll take the teapot.
Jim Halpert
Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam.
Michael Scott
Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
Pam Beesly
I'll take the iPod.
Ryan Howard
And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.
Stanley Hudson
(after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly') That was meant for Kelly.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, I figured.
Michael Scott
I think this is going great.

Scene 27

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(unwrapping the poster) Yikes.
Toby Flenderson
Well, it's for Angela, so ..
Kelly Kapoor
That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.
Dwight Schrute
Angela, you're up.
Angela Martin
I'll take the poster. Some people like these.
Kelly Kapoor
I will steal the iPod.

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.

Scene 29

9 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn.
Oscar Martinez
I'll take the ... teapot.
Meredith Palmer
Damn it.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go.
Meredith Palmer
I really want the iPod.
Dwight Schrute
It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else.
Michael Scott
(holding oven mitt) I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith Palmer
I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael Scott
Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.

Scene 31

4 lines
Michael Scott
(opens present) "In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute."
Dwight Schrute
You and me, Michael. Yes!
Michael Scott
Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Dwight Schrute
I never said it was better than an iPod.

Scene 32

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.

Scene 33

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(shooting paintball gun at target) Take that, Saddam!

Scene 34

2 lines
Michael Scott
Last gift. Kevin.
Kevin Malone
I want the foot bath.

Scene 35

1 line
Kevin Malone
That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. (pauses) Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot.

Scene 36

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.
Pam Beesly
I want the iPod.
Kelly Kapoor
Damn it.
Jim Halpert
Sure you don't want the teapot?
Pam Beesly
Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But ..
Jim Halpert
Right.
Pam Beesly
Sorry, I ..
Jim Halpert
No. No. Definitely. It's ..
Kelly Kapoor
Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Jim Halpert
Got to be kidding me.

Scene 37

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.

Scene 38

10 lines
Michael Scott
(after Phyllis leaves suddenly) What is she so upset about?
Pam Beesly
Maybe because you hated her present so much.
Michael Scott
Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people.
Stanley Hudson
And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else.
Michael Scott
Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!
Oscar Martinez
You got a bonus check?
Pam Beesly
How much?
Michael Scott
It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000.
Stanley Hudson
All right, I'm done now.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

Scene 40

4 lines
Liquor Store Clerk
It comes to $166.41.
Michael Scott
All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Liquor Store Clerk
Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael Scott
Cool, cool. Box it up.

Scene 41

10 lines
Jim Halpert
I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it?
Dwight Schrute
No trades.
Jim Halpert
Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
Dwight Schrute
"A real man makes his own luck." Billy Zane. Titanic.
Jim Halpert
Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?
Dwight Schrute
No. I want it. I'm going to use it.
Jim Halpert
You don't even drink tea.
Dwight Schrute
True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ..
Jim Halpert
Okay ..
Dwight Schrute
.. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. (demonstrates)

Scene 42

1 line
Jim Halpert
To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle.

Scene 43

5 lines
Roy Anderson
This is awesome.
Pam Beesly
I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out.
Roy Anderson
Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money.
Pam Beesly
So what are you going to get me instead?
Roy Anderson
I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something.

Scene 44

8 lines
Michael Scott
Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.
Angela Martin
What is that?
Michael Scott
This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.
Meredith Palmer
We can drink?
Toby Flenderson
We're really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Michael Scott
Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?
Meredith Palmer
Me. Please.
Michael Scott
Go, here we go!

Scene 45

1 line
Meredith Palmer
The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week.

Scene 46

10 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hi guys.
Ryan Howard
Hey.
Phyllis Vance
Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin Malone
Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley Hudson
Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard
Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance
Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard
What line of work you in, Bob?

Scene 47

10 lines
Roy Anderson
I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man.
Darryl Philbin
Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done.
Roy Anderson
It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man.
Darryl Philbin
I had to. I needed defense.
Roy Anderson
Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league.
Darryl Philbin
It's defense.
Roy Anderson
Oh, no. That is not worth it.
Darryl Philbin
It is worth it.
Roy Anderson
Never.
Darryl Philbin
Are you kidding? You wait.

Scene 48

4 lines
Michael Scott
Anybody making out in here? (checks hallway) Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. (takes picture of Jim) Okay, how's it going in here? (takes picture of Meredith and Kevin)
Ryan Howard
We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?
Angela Martin
There should be some ..
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party.

Scene 49

6 lines
Phyllis & Meredith & Michael & Kevin
One, two, three. (do a shot)
Michael Scott
Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee.
Ryan Howard
Oh, no.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ryan Howard
I really did not do anything.
Michael Scott
Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.

Scene 50

6 lines
Jim Halpert
You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) No, I was just checking out my present. (holds up teapot)
Jim Halpert
But ..
Pam Beesly
I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so ..
Jim Halpert
Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.
Pam Beesly
(opens teapot) Oh my god! The yearbook picture!

Scene 51

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I think I made the right choice.

Scene 52

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, my God! It's incredible. (Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it) Is this the Boggle timer?
Jim Halpert
I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't.

Scene 53

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is so awesome.
Michael Scott
Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.
Todd Packer
(grabbing Michael around the neck) Merry Christmas, asswipe!
Michael Scott
No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!
Todd Packer
(rapping) What's up my nerds. Check it out. (points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants)
Michael Scott
Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.
Todd Packer
Pacman need a drinky.
Michael Scott
Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up.

Scene 54

1 line
Kevin Malone
(listening to music through headphones) Yeahhh.

Scene 55

5 lines
Michael Scott
Darryl. There you go. (hands him the Santa hat) You earned it.
Darryl Philbin
That's okay, Mike.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it.
Darryl Philbin
All right. Thanks, man.
Michael Scott
Hey, Merry Christmas.

Scene 56

3 lines
Ryan Howard
(looking at Xeroxed butt pictures) Whose butt is that?
Kevin Malone
Mine.
Ryan Howard
Oh, how did I not guess that?

Scene 57

1 line
Michael Scott
(coming out of his office) Lampshade on head! It's happening!

Scene 58

1 line
Creed Bratton
(as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer) Oh, no.

Scene 59

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, hello there. (Kelly leans up and kisses him) But what are you doing?
Kelly Kapoor
I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.

Scene 60

7 lines
Kevin Malone
Thanks for the party, Michael.
Meredith Palmer
Yeah.
Bob Vance
Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in?
Oscar Martinez
I'm in.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Oscar Martinez
Michael? Poor Richard's?
Michael Scott
Yeah, that sounds good.

Scene 61

1 line
Michael Scott
Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.

Scene 62

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's?
Meredith Palmer
Yep.
Michael Scott
Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? (Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture) All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?
Meredith Palmer
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Okay!