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Season 2 Episode 10
Christmas Party

Every line from The Office episode "Christmas Party", season 2 episode 10.

Dwight Schrute: Go. Get the door.
Michael Scott: Here we are.
Dwight Schrute: Go. Push!
Michael Scott: Oh god.
Dwight Schrute: Push!
Michael Scott: No, no, turn it around.
Dwight Schrute: Really shove it.
Michael Scott: You'll break it.
Dwight Schrute: Shove it through! Break it!
Michael Scott: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight.
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight Schrute: I got a splinter.
Michael Scott: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! (laughs) Nice, huh?
Dwight Schrute: I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.
Michael Scott: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three.
Dwight Schrute: One, two, three. (they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile.)
Michael Scott: Merry Christmas!
Michael Scott: Did it work?
Kevin Malone: (holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter) Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?
Michael Scott: A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.
Kevin Malone: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?
Michael Scott: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.
Jim Halpert: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. (holds up a miniature pencil) This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel.
Angela Martin: Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights?
Phyllis Vance: Yes, I got those cute little ones. (Angela looks at her disapprovingly) Do you think I should have gotten the big ones?
Angela Martin: We'll see.
Ryan Howard: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive.
Michael Scott: (comes into the conference room in a Santa hat and beard) Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, (points to Ryan) pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting?
Angela Martin: Fifty.
Michael Scott: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me.
Michael Scott: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that.
Michael Scott: I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive.
Pam Beesly: You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.
Kevin & Oscar: One, two, three. (they lift and start to move a desk)
Dwight Schrute: You guys should use a hand truck.
Kevin Malone: Do we have one?
Dwight Schrute: No.
Angela Martin: (having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by) Will you help me?
Michael Scott: No! No way! It... no.
Darryl Philbin: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours.
Michael Scott: You wanna be Santa?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Have you ever seen Santa?
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, I've seen Santa.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Darryl Philbin: Who cares?
Michael Scott: Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I would like to be the elf.
Michael Scott: That makes sense because he has elfish features.
Dwight Schrute: (now wearing an elf hat and ears) Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael.
Toby Flenderson: I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that.
Oscar Martinez: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain.
Kevin Malone: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't (smiles happily).
Michael Scott: You get something good this year?
Jim Halpert: I think I did a pretty good job.
Michael Scott: Yeah? Who did you have?
Jim Halpert: Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret.
Michael Scott: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Michael Scott: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.
Jim Halpert: Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ?
Michael Scott: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.
Jim Halpert: That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can ..
Michael Scott: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan.
Dwight Schrute: Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons.
Stanley Hudson: I know how to plug something in.
Dwight Schrute: I want to do it.
Michael Scott: All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready?
Everyone: Three, two, one. (very dim lights come on the tree)
Michael Scott: Not great.
Phyllis Vance: I'm sorry, everybody.
Pam Beesly: I think the tree looks nice.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, I could get some flares from my car.
Michael Scott: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa.
Michael Scott: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth."
Dwight Schrute: First present, Oscar.
Oscar Martinez: (rips off the wrapping) Shower radio. Neat.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, good, that was from me.
Oscar Martinez: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of ..
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh, cool. (opens his plastic bag)
Creed Bratton: That's from me.
Jim Halpert: Great. Where did you get it?
Creed Bratton: I don't know. It was so long ago.
Jim Halpert: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number (holds up way-too-short sleeves) and then threw it in a bag.
Creed Bratton: Yep. That's exactly what happened.
Dwight Schrute: Pam.
Pam Beesly: (opens up her present) Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome.
Jim Halpert: There's a little more to it.
Dwight Schrute: All right, next. Ryan. (tosses present)
Michael Scott: No, don't!
Ryan Howard: (unwraps present) Whoa, a video iPod.
Michael Scott: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.
Ryan Howard: Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks.
Michael Scott: You don't know that.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, you left the price tag on.
Michael Scott: I did?
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Michael Scott: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? (opens a handmade oven mitt) Oh, come on.
Phyllis Vance: I knitted it for you.
Michael Scott: An oven mitt? Okay. (walks out)
Michael Scott: So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod.
Kevin Malone: Should we just keep opening up the presents?
Dwight Schrute: We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions.
Michael Scott: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
Jim Halpert: What is Yankee Swap?
Michael Scott: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift.
Jim Halpert: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Michael Scott: Well, I call it fun!
Oscar Martinez: Why are we doing this?
Michael Scott: Because it's better. Because it's more special.
Angela Martin: It sounds mean.
Michael Scott: Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot.
Angela Martin: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. (starts to cry)
Michael Scott: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt.
Meredith Palmer: I'll take the teapot.
Jim Halpert: Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam.
Michael Scott: Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now.
Pam Beesly: I'll take the iPod.
Ryan Howard: And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift.
Stanley Hudson: (after Ryan opens a new gift - a nameplate saying 'Kelly') That was meant for Kelly.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I figured.
Michael Scott: I think this is going great.
Kelly Kapoor: (unwrapping the poster) Yikes.
Toby Flenderson: Well, it's for Angela, so ..
Kelly Kapoor: That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen.
Dwight Schrute: Angela, you're up.
Angela Martin: I'll take the poster. Some people like these.
Kelly Kapoor: I will steal the iPod.
Michael Scott: Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn.
Oscar Martinez: I'll take the ... teapot.
Meredith Palmer: Damn it.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go.
Meredith Palmer: I really want the iPod.
Dwight Schrute: It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else.
Michael Scott: (holding oven mitt) I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful.
Meredith Palmer: I'll take the oven mitt.
Michael Scott: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology.
Michael Scott: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.
Michael Scott: (opens present) "In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute."
Dwight Schrute: You and me, Michael. Yes!
Michael Scott: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod?
Dwight Schrute: I never said it was better than an iPod.
Dwight Schrute: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.
Dwight Schrute: (shooting paintball gun at target) Take that, Saddam!
Michael Scott: Last gift. Kevin.
Kevin Malone: I want the foot bath.
Kevin Malone: That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. (pauses) Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift.
Pam Beesly: I want the iPod.
Kelly Kapoor: Damn it.
Jim Halpert: Sure you don't want the teapot?
Pam Beesly: Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But ..
Jim Halpert: Right.
Pam Beesly: Sorry, I ..
Jim Halpert: No. No. Definitely. It's ..
Kelly Kapoor: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias.
Jim Halpert: Got to be kidding me.
Dwight Schrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas.
Michael Scott: (after Phyllis leaves suddenly) What is she so upset about?
Pam Beesly: Maybe because you hated her present so much.
Michael Scott: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people.
Stanley Hudson: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else.
Michael Scott: Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!
Oscar Martinez: You got a bonus check?
Pam Beesly: How much?
Michael Scott: It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000.
Stanley Hudson: All right, I'm done now.
Michael Scott: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
Liquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41.
Michael Scott: All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it.
Michael Scott: Cool, cool. Box it up.
Jim Halpert: I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it?
Dwight Schrute: No trades.
Jim Halpert: Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck.
Dwight Schrute: "A real man makes his own luck." Billy Zane. Titanic.
Jim Halpert: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you?
Dwight Schrute: No. I want it. I'm going to use it.
Jim Halpert: You don't even drink tea.
Dwight Schrute: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ..
Jim Halpert: Okay ..
Dwight Schrute: .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. (demonstrates)
Jim Halpert: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle.
Roy Anderson: This is awesome.
Pam Beesly: I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out.
Roy Anderson: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money.
Pam Beesly: So what are you going to get me instead?
Roy Anderson: I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something.
Michael Scott: Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty.
Angela Martin: What is that?
Michael Scott: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze.
Meredith Palmer: We can drink?
Toby Flenderson: We're really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Michael Scott: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?
Meredith Palmer: Me. Please.
Michael Scott: Go, here we go!
Meredith Palmer: The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week.
Phyllis Vance: Hi guys.
Ryan Howard: Hey.
Phyllis Vance: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin Malone: Kevin Malone.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley Hudson: Stanley Hudson.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: Ryan Howard.
Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan Howard: What line of work you in, Bob?
Roy Anderson: I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man.
Darryl Philbin: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done.
Roy Anderson: It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man.
Darryl Philbin: I had to. I needed defense.
Roy Anderson: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league.
Darryl Philbin: It's defense.
Roy Anderson: Oh, no. That is not worth it.
Darryl Philbin: It is worth it.
Roy Anderson: Never.
Darryl Philbin: Are you kidding? You wait.
Michael Scott: Anybody making out in here? (checks hallway) Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. (takes picture of Jim) Okay, how's it going in here? (takes picture of Meredith and Kevin)
Ryan Howard: We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some?
Angela Martin: There should be some ..
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party.
Phyllis & Meredith & Michael & Kevin: One, two, three. (do a shot)
Michael Scott: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee.
Ryan Howard: Oh, no.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ryan Howard: I really did not do anything.
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend.
Jim Halpert: You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know.
Pam Beesly: (laughs) No, I was just checking out my present. (holds up teapot)
Jim Halpert: But ..
Pam Beesly: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so ..
Jim Halpert: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside.
Pam Beesly: (opens teapot) Oh my god! The yearbook picture!
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I think I made the right choice.
Pam Beesly: Oh, my God! It's incredible. (Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it) Is this the Boggle timer?
Jim Halpert: I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't.
Dwight Schrute: This is so awesome.
Michael Scott: Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Todd Packer: (grabbing Michael around the neck) Merry Christmas, asswipe!
Michael Scott: No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!
Todd Packer: (rapping) What's up my nerds. Check it out. (points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants)
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake.
Todd Packer: Pacman need a drinky.
Michael Scott: Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up.
Kevin Malone: (listening to music through headphones) Yeahhh.
Michael Scott: Darryl. There you go. (hands him the Santa hat) You earned it.
Darryl Philbin: That's okay, Mike.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it.
Darryl Philbin: All right. Thanks, man.
Michael Scott: Hey, Merry Christmas.
Ryan Howard: (looking at Xeroxed butt pictures) Whose butt is that?
Kevin Malone: Mine.
Ryan Howard: Oh, how did I not guess that?
Michael Scott: (coming out of his office) Lampshade on head! It's happening!
Creed Bratton: (as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer) Oh, no.
Kelly Kapoor: Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, hello there. (Kelly leans up and kisses him) But what are you doing?
Kelly Kapoor: I don't know.
Dwight Schrute: You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that.
Kevin Malone: Thanks for the party, Michael.
Meredith Palmer: Yeah.
Bob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in?
Oscar Martinez: I'm in.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Oscar Martinez: Michael? Poor Richard's?
Michael Scott: Yeah, that sounds good.
Michael Scott: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.
Michael Scott: Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's?
Meredith Palmer: Yep.
Michael Scott: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? (Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture) All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat?
Meredith Palmer: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Okay!

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 10 season 2. Christmas Party is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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