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Season 2 Episode 11
Booze Cruise

Every line from The Office episode "Booze Cruise", season 2 episode 11.

Jim Halpert: Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Hello. Jim?
Jim Halpert: What's up, buddy?
Dwight Schrute: This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy.
Jim Halpert: Who, Steve?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is.
Pam Beesly: Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.
Pam Beesly: Um, I don't think so, I just bought it.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.
Pam Beesly: I love these.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?
Jim Halpert: Oh, there it is. J1.
Dwight Schrute: But I don't have any...
Jim Halpert: Here, you know what? You can have some nickels.
Dwight Schrute: (putting quarters in) Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five...
Michael Scott: Hello, everyone.
Dwight Schrute: Good morning, Michael.
Phyllis Vance: Where are we going this afternoon?
Michael Scott: Ah! Ha ha ha!
Pam Beesly: Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
Jim Halpert: "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
Pam Beesly: A ski mask and a swimsuit.
Jim Halpert: So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers.
Pam Beesly: And brush our teeth.
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Stanley Hudson: Michael.
Michael Scott: Stanley! Bo banley.
Stanley Hudson: I need to know...
Michael Scott: Banana fana fo fanley.
Stanley Hudson: What we're doing.
Michael Scott: Be my mo manley.
Stanley Hudson: You said bring a toothbrush.
Michael Scott: Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: Is this an overnight?
Michael Scott: Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?
Stanley Hudson: Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?
Michael Scott: Maybe, I don't know.
Stanley Hudson: Not maybe. Yes or no.
Michael Scott: Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
Stanley Hudson: In January?
Michael Scott: It's cheaper.
Michael Scott: This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.
Michael Scott: It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise!
Meredith Palmer: All right!
Ryan Howard: I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
Michael Scott: No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: I'm already in business school.
Michael Scott: Well, this...
Kelly Kapoor: Wait, Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor: Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
Michael Scott: To throw you off the scent.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Michael Scott: Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
Kelly Kapoor: I took the tags off already.
Michael Scott: Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, "Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.
Michael Scott: I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.
Michael Scott: Leader... ship. The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership," as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!
Oscar Martinez: Last year, Michael's theme was "Bowl over the Competition!" So guess where we went.
Michael Scott: Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?
Darryl Philbin: How about the sales department is the sails?
Michael Scott: Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis Vance: A furnace?
Jim Halpert: Yeesh, how old is this ship?
Pam Beesly: How about the anchor?
Phyllis Vance: What does the furnace do?
Michael Scott: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!
Jim Halpert: I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael Scott: Titanic?
Pam Beesly: I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
Michael Scott: No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on!
Jim Halpert: Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.
Phyllis Vance: Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Michael Scott: No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse.
Darryl Philbin: What?
Michael Scott: The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.
Dwight Schrute: Aye aye, Captain.
Michael Scott: (singing) A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.
Michael Scott: Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. (to Kelly) Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... (to Stanley) We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan.
Dwight Schrute: Cool.
Captain Jack: Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan.
Michael Scott: I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party.
Captain Jack: I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. (to boarding passengers) Hi, welcome aboard.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Michael Scott: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose.
Michael Scott: Hey, look! I'm king of the world!
Captain Jack: Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack.
Michael Scott: And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!
Captain Jack: Okay! So...
Michael Scott: Okay! So...
Captain Jack: Please. The life preservers.
Michael Scott: Right.
Captain Jack: They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat.
Michael Scott: But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
Captain Jack: Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. (Dwight laughs loudly.) Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here...
Michael Scott: I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna...
Captain Jack: Okay, Michael, if you don't mind...
Michael Scott: Rock it!
Captain Jack: Please, okay?
Michael Scott: If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!
Captain Jack: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yep.
Captain Jack: Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?
Michael Scott: We're all gonna have a good time tonight!
Captain Jack: Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?
Michael Scott: Hm? Okay. Yep.
Katy: You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right?
Roy Anderson: Yeah.
Katy: Pam, were you a cheerleader?
Roy Anderson: No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything!
Katy: That's hilarious.
Jim Halpert: It's not hilarious, but...
Roy Anderson: Where did you go to school?
Katy: Bishop O'Hara.
Roy Anderson: Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you?
Jim Halpert: Um, no.
Katy: Yes, I did! (chanting) A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Roy Anderson: I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!
Michael Scott: Having fun?
Brenda: Yeah. Everybody's really nice.
Michael Scott: Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers.
Brenda: When are you going to start the presentation?
Michael Scott: Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.
Captain Jack: Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!
Michael Scott: So, okay.
Dwight Schrute: Limbo, whoo!
Captain Jack: All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be?
Meredith Palmer: Me.
Captain Jack: Okay...
Dwight Schrute: Me! Me, me, me.
Captain Jack: Uh... usually it's a woman.
Dwight Schrute: I'm stronger.
Captain Jack: Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?
Captain Jack: Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you!
Dwight Schrute: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
Captain Jack: All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest!
Michael Scott: But before that, I have to do my presentation.
Captain Jack: Nope! Dance contest!
Michael Scott: All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate!
Michael Scott: Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.
Dwight Schrute: (singing) What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Angela Martin: Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight Schrute: I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!
Darryl & Katy: (chanting) Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot!
Roy Anderson: Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on!
Pam Beesly: No, I'm not going to do that.
Roy Anderson: Come on!
Darryl Philbin: That's what I'm talking about!
Pam Beesly: Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out?
Roy Anderson: I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! (chanting) Darryl! Darryl!
Pam Beesly: It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. (chanting) Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
Pam Beesly: Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
Jim Halpert: Well...
Pam Beesly: I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader?
Jim Halpert: Oh, um... (A long silence.)
Pam Beesly: I'm cold.
Captain Jack: So, what's this presentation all about?
Michael Scott: Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
Captain Jack: Women and children.
Michael Scott: No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.
Captain Jack: That's a stupid analogy.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.
Captain Jack: Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm.
Dwight Schrute: Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.
Katy: I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?
Pam Beesly: Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice.
Captain Jack: Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save?
Jim Halpert: Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king.
Michael Scott: Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
Captain Jack: He's just sucking up!
Roy Anderson: When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die?
Captain Jack: Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her.
Jim Halpert: You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.
Roy Anderson: Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam!
Michael Scott: I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?
Roy Anderson: No, it was Captain Jack.
Michael Scott: Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great!
Captain Jack: We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship!
Michael Scott: Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Pam Beesly: No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.
Michael Scott: Then I'll give you away!
Pam Beesly: No, thank you.
Katy: Do you think that'll ever be us?
Jim Halpert: No.
Katy: What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim Halpert: I don't know. Let's break up.
Katy: Whoa. What?
Captain Jack: This is where Captain Jack drives the boat.
Meredith Palmer: Wow!
Dwight Schrute: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.
Michael Scott: Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael Scott: Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a...
Captain Jack: Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Michael Scott: It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about.
Michael Scott: I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.
Michael Scott: Is somebody there?
Jim Halpert: What happened to you?
Michael Scott: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim Halpert: Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael Scott: He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim Halpert: What a night.
Michael Scott: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim Halpert: She was always engaged.
Michael Scott: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim Halpert: That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so...
Michael Scott: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan...
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I know.
Michael Scott: Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway.
Michael Scott: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim Halpert: She's engaged.
Michael Scott: BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Jim Halpert: Huh.
Michael Scott: Never, ever, ever give up.
Dwight Schrute: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael Scott: It's a fake wheel, dummy.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 2. Booze Cruise is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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