Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Booze Cruise

Vol. 2 · Issue 11Scranton, PA

Every line from the freezing trip to Lake Wallenpaupack is here, from Michael’s questionable leadership metaphors to Roy finally picking a wedding date. You’ll find the full dialogue and most awkward quotes from the night Jim’s heart broke and Dwight steered a fake wheel. It's all the dialogue from the episode that proved being "engaged ain't married."

Scene 01

18 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Hello. Jim?
Jim Halpert
What's up, buddy?
Dwight Schrute
This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here?
Jim Halpert
Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy.
Jim Halpert
Who, Steve?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is.
Pam Beesly
Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup.
Pam Beesly
Um, I don't think so, I just bought it.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me.
Pam Beesly
I love these.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, fine. Where's my wallet?
Jim Halpert
Oh, there it is. J1.
Dwight Schrute
But I don't have any...
Jim Halpert
Here, you know what? You can have some nickels.
Dwight Schrute
(putting quarters in) Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five...

Scene 02

4 lines
Michael Scott
Hello, everyone.
Dwight Schrute
Good morning, Michael.
Phyllis Vance
Where are we going this afternoon?
Michael Scott
Ah! Ha ha ha!

Scene 03

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
Jim Halpert
"It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask."
Pam Beesly
A ski mask and a swimsuit.
Jim Halpert
So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers.
Pam Beesly
And brush our teeth.

Scene 04

17 lines
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Stanley Hudson
Michael.
Michael Scott
Stanley! Bo banley.
Stanley Hudson
I need to know...
Michael Scott
Banana fana fo fanley.
Stanley Hudson
What we're doing.
Michael Scott
Be my mo manley.
Stanley Hudson
You said bring a toothbrush.
Michael Scott
Stanley.
Stanley Hudson
Is this an overnight?
Michael Scott
Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it?
Stanley Hudson
Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow?
Michael Scott
Maybe, I don't know.
Stanley Hudson
Not maybe. Yes or no.
Michael Scott
Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack.
Stanley Hudson
In January?
Michael Scott
It's cheaper.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience.

Scene 06

14 lines
Michael Scott
It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise!
Meredith Palmer
All right!
Ryan Howard
I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that?
Michael Scott
No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
I'm already in business school.
Michael Scott
Well, this...
Kelly Kapoor
Wait, Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Kelly Kapoor
Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit?
Michael Scott
To throw you off the scent.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit.
Michael Scott
Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it.
Kelly Kapoor
I took the tags off already.
Michael Scott
Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, "Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Leader... ship. The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership," as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork!

Scene 09

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Last year, Michael's theme was "Bowl over the Competition!" So guess where we went.

Scene 10

12 lines
Michael Scott
Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone?
Darryl Philbin
How about the sales department is the sails?
Michael Scott
Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis Vance
A furnace?
Jim Halpert
Yeesh, how old is this ship?
Pam Beesly
How about the anchor?
Phyllis Vance
What does the furnace do?
Michael Scott
All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands!
Jim Halpert
I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael Scott
Titanic?
Pam Beesly
I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
Michael Scott
No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on!

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck.

Scene 12

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Michael Scott
No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse.
Darryl Philbin
What?
Michael Scott
The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship.
Dwight Schrute
Aye aye, Captain.

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
(singing) A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour.

Scene 14

6 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. (to Kelly) Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... (to Stanley) We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan.
Dwight Schrute
Cool.
Captain Jack
Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan.
Michael Scott
I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party.
Captain Jack
I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. (to boarding passengers) Hi, welcome aboard.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Hey, look! I'm king of the world!

Scene 17

20 lines
Captain Jack
Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack.
Michael Scott
And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome!
Captain Jack
Okay! So...
Michael Scott
Okay! So...
Captain Jack
Please. The life preservers.
Michael Scott
Right.
Captain Jack
They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat.
Michael Scott
But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight.
Captain Jack
Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. (Dwight laughs loudly.) Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here...
Michael Scott
I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna...
Captain Jack
Okay, Michael, if you don't mind...
Michael Scott
Rock it!
Captain Jack
Please, okay?
Michael Scott
If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'!
Captain Jack
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yep.
Captain Jack
Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay?
Michael Scott
We're all gonna have a good time tonight!
Captain Jack
Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right?
Michael Scott
Hm? Okay. Yep.

Scene 18

12 lines
Katy
You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right?
Roy Anderson
Yeah.
Katy
Pam, were you a cheerleader?
Roy Anderson
No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything!
Katy
That's hilarious.
Jim Halpert
It's not hilarious, but...
Roy Anderson
Where did you go to school?
Katy
Bishop O'Hara.
Roy Anderson
Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you?
Jim Halpert
Um, no.
Katy
Yes, I did! (chanting) A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Roy Anderson
I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10!

Scene 19

15 lines
Michael Scott
Having fun?
Brenda
Yeah. Everybody's really nice.
Michael Scott
Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers.
Brenda
When are you going to start the presentation?
Michael Scott
Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support.
Captain Jack
Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo!
Michael Scott
So, okay.
Dwight Schrute
Limbo, whoo!
Captain Jack
All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be?
Meredith Palmer
Me.
Captain Jack
Okay...
Dwight Schrute
Me! Me, me, me.
Captain Jack
Uh... usually it's a woman.
Dwight Schrute
I'm stronger.
Captain Jack
Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight?

Scene 20

1 line
Captain Jack
Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you!

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

Scene 22

4 lines
Captain Jack
All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest!
Michael Scott
But before that, I have to do my presentation.
Captain Jack
Nope! Dance contest!
Michael Scott
All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate!

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.

Scene 24

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(singing) What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Angela Martin
Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight Schrute
I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?!

Scene 25

7 lines
Darryl & Katy
(chanting) Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot!
Roy Anderson
Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on!
Pam Beesly
No, I'm not going to do that.
Roy Anderson
Come on!
Darryl Philbin
That's what I'm talking about!
Pam Beesly
Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out?
Roy Anderson
I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! (chanting) Darryl! Darryl!

Scene 26

7 lines
Pam Beesly
It's getting kind of rowdy down there.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. (chanting) Darryl! Darryl! Darryl!
Pam Beesly
Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
Jim Halpert
Well...
Pam Beesly
I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader?
Jim Halpert
Oh, um... (A long silence.)
Pam Beesly
I'm cold.

Scene 27

10 lines
Captain Jack
So, what's this presentation all about?
Michael Scott
Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save?
Captain Jack
Women and children.
Michael Scott
No, no. Salesmen and profit centers.
Captain Jack
That's a stupid analogy.
Michael Scott
Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership.
Captain Jack
Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm.
Dwight Schrute
Wow. You should be the motivational speaker.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour.

Scene 28

2 lines
Katy
I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off?
Pam Beesly
Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice.

Scene 29

6 lines
Captain Jack
Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save?
Jim Halpert
Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king.
Michael Scott
Not what I was looking for, but a good thought.
Captain Jack
He's just sucking up!
Roy Anderson
When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die?
Captain Jack
Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her.

Scene 30

1 line
Jim Halpert
You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.

Scene 31

1 line
Roy Anderson
Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam!

Scene 32

8 lines
Michael Scott
I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you?
Roy Anderson
No, it was Captain Jack.
Michael Scott
Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great!
Captain Jack
We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship!
Michael Scott
Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Pam Beesly
No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there.
Michael Scott
Then I'll give you away!
Pam Beesly
No, thank you.

Scene 33

5 lines
Katy
Do you think that'll ever be us?
Jim Halpert
No.
Katy
What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim Halpert
I don't know. Let's break up.
Katy
Whoa. What?

Scene 34

2 lines
Captain Jack
This is where Captain Jack drives the boat.
Meredith Palmer
Wow!

Scene 35

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon.
Michael Scott
Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication.
Brenda
Really? What?
Michael Scott
Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a...
Captain Jack
Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?
Michael Scott
It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about.

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.

Scene 37

19 lines
Michael Scott
Is somebody there?
Jim Halpert
What happened to you?
Michael Scott
Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim Halpert
Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael Scott
He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim Halpert
What a night.
Michael Scott
Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim Halpert
She was always engaged.
Michael Scott
Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim Halpert
That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so...
Michael Scott
Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan...
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I know.
Michael Scott
Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway.
Michael Scott
Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim Halpert
She's engaged.
Michael Scott
BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Jim Halpert
Huh.
Michael Scott
Never, ever, ever give up.

Scene 38

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael Scott
It's a fake wheel, dummy.