Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Injury

Vol. 2 · Issue 12Scranton, PA

Michael managed to cook his foot on a George Foreman Grill, and the drama is just beginning. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including Dwight’s concussion-induced personality swap and the awkward meeting with Billy Merchant. It’s the perfect place to grab those legendary bacon in bed quotes.

Scene 01

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good.
Jim Halpert
(off camera) Yeah, that's right.

Scene 02

23 lines
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael Scott
Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now.
Pam Beesly
Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott
I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God!
Pam Beesly
Ok, wait wait wait wait...
Michael Scott
Ungh, this is not looking good Pam!
Pam Beesly
Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?!
Michael Scott
No, I want you to pick me up.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Ok...
Jim Halpert
What's going on?
Pam Beesly
Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt.
Michael Scott
I am hurt. I hurt my foot.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry? Pam.
Pam Beesly
(exasperated)
Jim Halpert
What is going on?
Michael Scott
I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. (Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone)
Michael Scott
OH GOD!
Jim Halpert
Hey, whoa, Michael...
Michael Scott
Oh God!
Jim Halpert
It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened.
Michael Scott
OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
Jim Halpert
You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill?

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that.

Scene 04

33 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, could you come get me?!
Pam Beesly
Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone.
Michael Scott
Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan?
Phyllis Vance
Michael, you should stay home and rest.
Michael Scott
There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that?
Kevin Malone
Can you hop?
Michael Scott
I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance.
Michael Scott
(panicked) No one wants to pick me up!?
Dwight Schrute
(silence, Dwight enters the office) What is going on? What is going on?
Pam Beesly
Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him.
Michael Scott
I'm not sick! I'm burned!
Dwight Schrute
I'm coming Michael!
Jim Halpert
Oh...
Dwight Schrute
I'm gonna save you!
Michael Scott
Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there!
Michael Scott
I don't want Dwight!
Pam Beesly
Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend?
Michael Scott
I don't have a girlfriend.
Jim Halpert
But you said that you went out with her this weekend.
Michael Scott
It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight.
Jim Halpert
(sounds of a car crash) What was that...
Pam Beesly
What was that?! (everyone runs to Michael's office window)
Jim Halpert
Oh!
Pam Beesly
Ohhhhhh!
Jim Halpert
He hit the pole!
Jim Halpert
It's broken right, he can't...
Pam Beesly
Oh my gosh.
Jim Halpert
Oh Dwight, Dwight, (Dwight pukes on his back windshield) Ohhhhhh!
Jim & Pam
Oh my God!
Pam Beesly
Is he ok?
Jim Halpert
He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper!
Michael Scott
Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight!

Scene 05

5 lines
Michael Scott
Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through.
Pam Beesly
You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.
Michael Scott
Did you explain why?
Pam Beesly
No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot.
Michael Scott
Burned my foot, Pam.

Scene 06

4 lines
Michael Scott
Please stop popping my cast. Thank you.
Jim Halpert
So, where are you shipping your foot?
Michael Scott
Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping...
Dwight Schrute
Your foot?

Scene 07

19 lines
Michael Scott
Thank you. Pam, messages please?
Pam Beesly
You didn't have any.
Michael Scott
Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and...
Pam Beesly
And do my job?
Michael Scott
No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God!
Dwight Schrute
(holding mini-fan) It slipped.
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
Sorry.
Pam Beesly
It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment.
Michael Scott
I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Pam Beesly
Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy.
Michael Scott
No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to.
Michael Scott
What? Part of your duties are to what?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
You just said "part of your duties are to" something.
Dwight Schrute
No, I didn't.
Michael Scott
Yes, you did. What is wrong with you?
Dwight Schrute
What is wrong with you?

Scene 08

11 lines
Michael Scott
Where is my cornbread?
Ryan Howard
Here you go.
Michael Scott
Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like?
Ryan Howard
Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat.
Michael Scott
Where are the yams?
Ryan Howard
They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach.
Michael Scott
Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg?
Ryan Howard
Yes.
Michael Scott
And they had no yams?
Ryan Howard
They had no yams.
Michael Scott
How strange. Because they always have yams.

Scene 09

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport?
Pam Beesly
You've seen one of these?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid.
Pam Beesly
Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding!
Pam Beesly
Oh! Ha, haha.
Dwight Schrute
Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan.
Pam Beesly
Pan?

Scene 10

10 lines
Michael Scott
Pam... PAAAM!?
Pam Beesly
Oh, God.
Pam Beesly
(phone rings) What.
Michael Scott
Come here please.
Pam Beesly
Tell me before I come there.
Michael Scott
I want you to rub butter on my foot.
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
Pam Beesly
No.
Michael Scott
Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN!

Scene 11

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
These covers are totally indestructible.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. (Pam throws her mp3 player)
Dwight Schrute
Oh no, it's broken.
Pam Beesly
What?!
Dwight Schrute
No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long.
Pam Beesly
That is so cool. Thanks Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Yep.

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now.

Scene 13

1 line
Pam Beesly
Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend!

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you?

Scene 15

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Huh. Do you like candy?
Angela Martin
It's alright.
Dwight Schrute
Cause you're sweeter than candy.
Angela Martin
What is wrong with you? (Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing)
Angela Martin
Hey!

Scene 16

15 lines
Toby Flenderson
Wow, you just dive right into it.
Ryan Howard
You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it.
Michael Scott
(loud noise in bathroom) No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me!
Toby Flenderson
What, what happened?
Michael Scott
I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall.
Toby Flenderson
What do you need?
Michael Scott
Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam.
Toby Flenderson
I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room.
Michael Scott
Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. (Ryan shakes his head) and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
Toby Flenderson
Ryan, is, uh, dead.
Michael Scott
No, he's not.
Toby Flenderson
Dead.
Michael Scott
I just saw him.
Toby Flenderson
No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot.
Michael Scott
Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God!

Scene 17

16 lines
Jim Halpert
Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today?
Pam Beesly
No, he's actually been really nice and helpful.
Jim Halpert
And that isn't weird?
Pam Beesly
Wow...
Michael Scott
Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar?
Phyllis Vance
Um, I had scoliosis as a girl.
Michael Scott
No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble.
Creed Bratton
When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung.
Michael Scott
Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.
Stanley Hudson
I'm not disabled and neither are you.
Michael Scott
Ok, (lifts up cooked foot) what does this look like to you Stanley?!
Stanley Hudson
Mailboxes, Etc.
Michael Scott
Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder.
Michael Scott
(sigh) I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there!
Dwight Schrute
(looking up at Creed) Dad?

Scene 18

32 lines
Michael Scott
While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society.
Jim Halpert
Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall?
Ryan Howard
Twice.
Michael Scott
Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia (points to a picture from Big): AIDS.
Kevin Malone
I think that's from Big.
Michael Scott
I don't think so, no.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia.
Michael Scott
He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. (sigh) A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here?
Stanley Hudson
Uh hmmmm... .
Michael Scott
What you mean uh hmmm... ?
Stanley Hudson
I mean I'm learning nothing.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Billy Merchant
Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Yes, right in here, come on in.
Billy Merchant
Great.
Michael Scott
This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest.
Billy Merchant
Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space.
Billy Merchant
Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park
Michael Scott
You are so brave. You are so brave.
Billy Merchant
Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time...
Michael Scott
But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair.
Billy Merchant
No, I just have a lot of properties to manage.
Michael Scott
Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning?
Billy Merchant
I don't know, like 30 seconds?
Michael Scott
Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me.
Michael Scott
How did you get in your wheelchair?
Billy Merchant
This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. (Everyone laughs)
Michael Scott
Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny.
Billy Merchant
Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here.
Michael Scott
Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor.
Billy Merchant
Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore.
Michael Scott
Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it?

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.

Scene 20

10 lines
Billy Merchant
So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of...
Michael Scott
Ok...
Billy Merchant
First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? (to Dwight, whose arms is raised) Yes. Yeah? yes...
Pam Beesly
Dwight, you have your hand up.
Michael Scott
Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick...
Billy Merchant
You know what Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah...
Billy Merchant
Let me stop you right there.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Billy Merchant
And leave.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy.

Scene 22

3 lines
Billy Merchant
What's wrong with that guy?
Jim Halpert
You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot.
Billy Merchant
No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion.

Scene 23

10 lines
Michael Scott
(popping his bubble wrap cast) Hey!
Ryan Howard
I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale!
Michael Scott
You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
You are very welcome.
Michael Scott
Did you get the yams?
Ryan Howard
No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams!
Michael Scott
(sigh) Ok, I'll just have the pudding.
Ryan Howard
You sure?
Michael Scott
Yeh.
Ryan Howard
Ok.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot.

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain.

Scene 26

1 line
Ryan Howard
I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine.

Scene 27

45 lines
Michael Scott
Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins.
Dwight Schrute
(hits his head on his desk) Uh, ugh, ohhhh...
Jim Halpert
Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion.
Michael Scott
Oh, now you feel some compassion for him.
Angela Martin
He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him.
Michael Scott
Why don't you go with him?
Angela Martin
I, barely know him...
Dwight Schrute
I want Michael to take me...
Michael Scott
I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity.
Meredith Palmer
You can take my van!
Michael Scott
Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive.
Jim Halpert
Fine.
Michael Scott
We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please.
Jim Halpert
Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator.
Dwight Schrute
Choo choo choo choo choo choo...
Jim Halpert
What are you doing? What, stop...
Dwight Schrute
Vietnam sounds.
Jim Halpert
(Dwight falls onto the couch) Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Dwight Schrute
Tired... (Jim grabs spray bottle from planter)
Jim Halpert
You can't lay down.
Dwight Schrute
Want to take a rake... .
Jim Halpert
Wake up. (sprays Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Ahh!
Pam Beesly
Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight.
Jim Halpert
I'm just gonna get...
Dwight Schrute
Ok, Pam, thanks.
Pam Beesly
Get up, get up.
Dwight Schrute
You're the best.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Just keep him awake.
Dwight Schrute
It smells like chicken soup.
Pam Beesly
I know.
Dwight Schrute
I have to go to the hospital.
Pam Beesly
I know.
Dwight Schrute
Where we going?
Pam Beesly
I just want to say goodbye ok?
Dwight Schrute
I'll be back, I mean...
Pam Beesly
Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different.
Dwight Schrute
Why?
Pam Beesly
It's just hard to explain.
Dwight Schrute
Aw, Pam, you're adorable (taps her nose)
Pam Beesly
Oh my goodness!
Dwight Schrute
(giggles)
Pam Beesly
Come here.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, huggy hugs.

Scene 28

2 lines
Michael Scott
Shotgun!
Jim Halpert
You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight?

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout "shotgun" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.

Scene 30

10 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem?
Jim Halpert
Well, I think she has a kid.
Michael Scott
Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around.
Dwight Schrute
Where are we going?
Jim Halpert
Come on, get inside.
Dwight Schrute
Where are we going?
Jim Halpert
We're going to Chuck E. Cheese.
Michael Scott
Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
Jim Halpert
We're going to the hospital, Michael.
Michael Scott
I know, just sayin'.

Scene 31

26 lines
Michael Scott
Dwight, what are you drinking?
Dwight Schrute
I found it under the seat.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, Dwight, put that down.
Dwight Schrute
I'm thirsty.
Jim Halpert
Give the bottle to Michael (sprays Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
No!
Jim Halpert
Give the bottle to Michael!
Dwight Schrute
I'm thirsty!
Michael Scott
Give it to me.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
Dwight... (to Jim) You just keep your eyes on the road. (to Dwight) Give me the bottle or you're fired.
Dwight Schrute
You can't fire me, I don't work in this van!
Michael Scott
Give it to me Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
No. (takes a drink)
Michael Scott
Give me the bottle!!
Jim Halpert
(to Michael) Will you stop?
Michael Scott
Gimme the bottle, Dwight!
Jim Halpert
Michael stop.
Dwight Schrute
(drinks) Mmmmm...
Michael Scott
Just give it!
Jim Halpert
Michael stop. (sprays Michael, then Dwight)
Michael Scott
Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! (Dwight whines) Gimme the bottle!
Jim Halpert
Stop (sprays Michael)
Dwight Schrute
My eyes!
Michael Scott
Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle!
Dwight Schrute
My eyes!

Scene 32

12 lines
Michael Scott
Dwight, what is your middle name.
Dwight Schrute
Danger.
Michael Scott
(sigh) Something with a "K".
Jim Halpert
It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.
Michael Scott
What do I write under "reason for visit"?
Jim Halpert
Concussion. (Michael scribbles something out) What did you write?
Michael Scott
Nothing. I wrote "bringing someone to the hospital".
Jim Halpert
So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital.
Michael Scott
No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. (Dwight falls towards Jim)
Jim Halpert
Come on Dwight. (sprays Dwight)
Dwight Schrute
Hi Michael!
Michael Scott
Hi Dwight.

Scene 33

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ahhh. Mweehaa
Michael Scott
Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?
Doctor
A head injury.
Michael Scott
Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly.
Doctor
(to Dwight) So, I'm ordering a CAT scan.
Dwight Schrute
What is that?
Michael Scott
Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look?
Doctor
Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot.
Michael Scott
Ok, what kinda machine is that?
Doctor
Does the skin look red and swollen?
Dwight Schrute
That's what she said.
Michael Scott
That's my joke, damnit Dwight.

Scene 34

8 lines
Lab Tech
Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment...
Michael Scott
It's ok, they're with me.
Lab Tech
No metal of any kind.
Michael Scott
Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off.
Dwight Schrute
I don't want to do this.
Michael Scott
Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out.
Dwight Schrute
Oh.
Michael Scott
Fine. Fine.

Scene 35

14 lines
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Jim Halpert
Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok?
Jim Halpert
Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan.
Pam Beesly
I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan.
Jim Halpert
Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet.
Pam Beesly
Really? Michael went in with him?
Jim Halpert
Uh huh.
Pam Beesly
Wow.
Jim Halpert
But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon.
Pam Beesly
Ok, that's uh, good news (Pam sees Angela eavesdropping) Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Pam Beesly
Ok. Bye.
Jim Halpert
Bye.

Scene 36

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Oscar?
Oscar Martinez
What's up, Pam?
Pam Beesly
I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow.
Oscar Martinez
Ok...
Pam Beesly
I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that.

Scene 37

1 line
Lab Tech
Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? (Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner) Stop that. Stop. Stop that.