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Season 2 Episode 13
The Secret

Every line from The Office episode "The Secret", season 2 episode 13.

Jim Halpert: Not much what's up with you?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. (laughing) Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim Halpert: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?
Michael Scott: What's up-dog?
Jim Halpert: Nothin' much what's up with you?
Michael Scott: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!
Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?
Stanley Hudson: I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott: Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?
Ryan Howard: What's that?
Michael Scott: I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?
Ryan Howard: Huh?
Michael Scott: (low) No, damn it!
Kevin Malone: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: What does what mean?
Kevin Malone: The thing you just said?
Michael Scott: Just forget it.
Michael Scott: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Dwight Schrute: What's up-dog?
Michael Scott: Gotcha! (laughing) Oh, God. (low) Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?
Dwight Schrute: Good. How are you doing?
Jim Halpert: (mouthing) So close.
Michael Scott: (low) Damn it.
Michael Scott: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a...
Dwight Schrute: Empty mind.
Michael Scott: No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say.
Dwight Schrute: Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar?
Angela Martin: He's out sick.
Dwight Schrute: That's unacceptable.
Angela Martin: I agree it's unacceptable. (longing look)
Kevin Malone: Whhh... What are you guys doing?
Dwight Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Oscar is out sick.
Michael Scott: On a Friday? (Dwight nods)
Dwight Schrute: Can I do some of the talking?
Michael Scott: I will do all the talking.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, let him know that I'm here.
Oscar Martinez: Hello.
Michael Scott: What difference does it make whether your here?
Oscar Martinez: Hello?
Michael Scott: Hi, Oscar its Michael.
Dwight Schrute: And Dwight.
Michael Scott: Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah I think I came down with the flu.
Michael Scott: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, I feel terrible about it.
Dwight Schrute: Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D.
Michael Scott: What are your symptoms?
Oscar Martinez: I have the chills.
Michael Scott: Umm, hmmm.
Oscar Martinez: I feel nauseous and my heads killing.
Dwight Schrute: Checks out.
Oscar Martinez: Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.
Michael Scott: I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend.
Oscar Martinez: I'll just be sleep--- (Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish)
Dwight Schrute: Ok. First impressions?
Michael Scott: He sounded sick.
Dwight Schrute: Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
Michael Scott: That's exactly what I was thinking.
Dwight Schrute: Question? May I investigate?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Pam Beesly: I bought my veil.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?
Pam Beesly: Ummm...
Kelly Kapoor: Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?
Pam Beesly: Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and...
Kelly Kapoor: You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry.
Michael Scott: Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. (Pam puts hair back up) (Michael walks by Jim) Man, this must be torture for you.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant.
Jim Halpert: Hey Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey Jim-bag.
Jim Halpert: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim Halpert: Umm, hmm.
Michael Scott: Who else knows?
Jim Halpert: Nobody.
Michael Scott: Wow!
Michael Scott: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
Michael Scott: My lips are sealed. (singing) My lips are sealed... Bangles.
Jim Halpert: Alright. Great. Thank you.
Michael Scott: (singing) Can you hear me, they talk about us...
Dwight Schrute: Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Ryan Howard: Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight Schrute: Do you think? Or do you know?
Ryan Howard: I think.
Dwight Schrute: (low) Oh God, here.
Michael Scott: Hey, whatcha gettin'?
Jim Halpert: I'm going with grape.
Michael Scott: Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?
Jim Halpert: Which one?
Michael Scott: Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation?
Jim Halpert: I don't know what you mean.
Michael Scott: P-A-M. P-A
Jim Halpert: Uh, uh, ok.
Michael Scott: No it's okay, we're talking code.
Stanley Hudson: What is?
Michael Scott: Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Jim Halpert: I'm going to take off actually.
Michael Scott: Alright, well, cool. (Michael walks by Jim) Still deciding?
Stanley Hudson: Hmm?
Michael Scott: (Michael presses a button for Stanley) Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it.
Dwight Schrute: Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy.
Dwight Schrute: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
Michael Scott: It's Grrrrrrape! Soda.
Jim Halpert: Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more.
Michael Scott: Not so much.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, what is going on here?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.
Michael Scott: Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. So what is the secret Michael?
Jim Halpert: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.
Dwight Schrute: Is that true?
Michael Scott: Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: I can tell. I won't let you down.
Michael Scott: Good.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Michael Scott: Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch?
Jim Halpert: I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.
Michael Scott: Oh nonsense (lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk), no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.
Jim Halpert: No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here.
Michael Scott: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who.
Jim Halpert: Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out.
Michael Scott: I know just he place.
Michael Scott: (at Hooters) Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?
Michael Scott: Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.
Michael Scott: Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi.
Dana: Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.
Michael Scott: We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.
Jim Halpert: Nope we're not brothers.
Michael Scott: I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Jim Halpert: Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.
Dana: And for you?
Michael Scott: Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?
Dana: Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce.
Michael Scott: Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. (Giggles)
Dana: Is that what you really want?
Michael Scott: No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.
Dana: Great.
Dwight Schrute: Who took all the black ones?
Pam Beesly: That's a communal bowl.
Dwight Schrute: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?
Pam Beesly: Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know.
Dwight Schrute: Sniffling how?
Pam Beesly: Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?
Dwight Schrute: Three.
Pam Beesly: Ok, it was the second one.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?
Pam Beesly: Nuh-uh.
Michael Scott: What do you like best about Pam?
Jim Halpert: Uh, I really don't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott: Is it her boobs, or...
Jim Halpert: Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Really?
Jim Halpert: Uh-huh.
Michael Scott: Never get's any of my jokes.
Jim Halpert: What about you?
Michael Scott: Her boobs, definitely.
Jim Halpert: Wow, that's not what I meant.
Dana: Here you go.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you.
Dana: And I understand we have a birthday today.
Michael Scott: Ohhh happy birthday Jim!
Dana: Ready girls? Front side.
Hooter's Girls: You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo!
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Woo! Yeah!
Jim Halpert: Thanks, thanks Dana.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much.
Michael Scott: Hilarious. Hey.
Pam Beesly: What did you guys talk about?
Jim Halpert: (Holds up Hooters t-shirt) Just you know politics, literature.
Pam Beesly: I hate you.
Dwight Schrute: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.
Michael Scott: Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.
Dwight Schrute: Including prep time?
Michael Scott: Just do it.
Ryan Howard: If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.
Michael Scott: (Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's) Expenses.
Kevin Malone: Michael is that a wig?
Michael Scott: No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?
Kevin Malone: No.
Angela Martin: This is from Hooters.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it's a business lunch.
Angela Martin: Did Toby approve this?
Michael Scott: No he did not. I don't need his permission.
Toby Flenderson: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?
Michael Scott: Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?
Michael Scott: I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.
Toby Flenderson: I'm not processing this.
Michael Scott: Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?
Toby Flenderson: He seems fine to me.
Michael Scott: You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?
Kelly Kapoor: Pam?
Phyllis Vance: Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?
Angela Martin: It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy.
Kevin Malone: Jim has got it bad for Pam.
Creed Bratton: Oh ho! Which one is Pam?
Kevin Malone: Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?
Michael Scott: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.
Dwight Schrute: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved.
Kelly Kapoor: Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam?
Jim Halpert: Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I (hesitate) don't. Riveting.
Kevin Malone: Nice... she is so hot.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Did you find anything good in your desk?
Jim Halpert: Ah, coupon for a free sandwich.
Pam Beesly: Score.
Jim Halpert: It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Pam Beesly: Big day.
Jim Halpert: Big day.
Jim Halpert: Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Jim Halpert: Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael.
Pam Beesly: Right.
Jim Halpert: And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean.
Pam Beesly: No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started.
Jim Halpert: Oh you did?
Pam Beesly: No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well.
Jim Halpert: No, no, you saw through me, great.
Pam Beesly: So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay.
Pam Beesly: Mmm, hmm.
Jim Halpert: And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.
Pam Beesly: Cool.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.
Gil: Who's this?
Dwight Schrute: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
Gil: Gil.
Oscar Martinez: Are you going to tell Michael?
Dwight Schrute: How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Dwight Schrute: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: I know, I know, I know.
Jim Halpert: Umm, what happened?
Michael Scott: I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that (starts to get choked up) this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.
Jim Halpert: Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal.
Michael Scott: Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just.
Jim Halpert: Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?
Michael Scott: Yeah I'm good.
Jim Halpert: Good.
Ryan Howard: Creed did you organize the menu book?
Creed Bratton: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan Howard: No, that was mandatory.
Creed Bratton: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.
Pam Beesly: Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no, that's, you don't have to.
Michael Scott: No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend.
Pam Beesly: No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so.
Michael Scott: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam Beesly: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael Scott: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out.
Jim Halpert: Ready?
Pam Beesly: Yep.
Michael Scott: People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 13 season 2. The Secret is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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