The Secret

Here is every word of dialogue from the time Jim made the mistake of trusting Michael with a secret about Pam. You'll find the full script covering everything from the Hooters lunch to Dwight’s intense investigation into Oscar’s "flu." It is all the best lines and awkward moments from this classic episode in one spot.

Jim Halpert
Not much what's up with you?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. (laughing) Oh, my God.
Michael Scott
Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim Halpert
Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?
Michael Scott
What's up-dog?
Jim Halpert
Nothin' much what's up with you?
Michael Scott
Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!
Michael Scott
Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?
Stanley Hudson
I'm on the phone.
Michael Scott
Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?
Ryan Howard
What's that?
Michael Scott
I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?
Ryan Howard
Huh?
Michael Scott
(low) No, damn it!
Kevin Malone
What does that mean?
Michael Scott
What does what mean?
Kevin Malone
The thing you just said?
Michael Scott
Just forget it.
Michael Scott
Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?
Dwight Schrute
What's up-dog?
Michael Scott
Gotcha! (laughing) Oh, God. (low) Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?
Dwight Schrute
Good. How are you doing?
Jim Halpert
(mouthing) So close.
Michael Scott
(low) Damn it.
Michael Scott
Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a...
Dwight Schrute
Empty mind.
Michael Scott
No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say.
Dwight Schrute
Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar?
Angela Martin
He's out sick.
Dwight Schrute
That's unacceptable.
Angela Martin
I agree it's unacceptable. (longing look)
Kevin Malone
Whhh... What are you guys doing?
Dwight Schrute
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Oscar is out sick.
Michael Scott
On a Friday? (Dwight nods)
Dwight Schrute
Can I do some of the talking?
Michael Scott
I will do all the talking.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, let him know that I'm here.
Oscar Martinez
Hello.
Michael Scott
What difference does it make whether your here?
Oscar Martinez
Hello?
Michael Scott
Hi, Oscar its Michael.
Dwight Schrute
And Dwight.
Michael Scott
Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah I think I came down with the flu.
Michael Scott
Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.
Oscar Martinez
Yeah, I feel terrible about it.
Dwight Schrute
Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D.
Michael Scott
What are your symptoms?
Oscar Martinez
I have the chills.
Michael Scott
Umm, hmmm.
Oscar Martinez
I feel nauseous and my heads killing.
Dwight Schrute
Checks out.
Oscar Martinez
Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.
Michael Scott
I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend.
Oscar Martinez
I'll just be sleep--- (Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish)
Dwight Schrute
Ok. First impressions?
Michael Scott
He sounded sick.
Dwight Schrute
Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
Michael Scott
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Dwight Schrute
Question? May I investigate?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Pam Beesly
I bought my veil.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?
Pam Beesly
Ummm...
Kelly Kapoor
Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?
Pam Beesly
Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and...
Kelly Kapoor
You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry.
Michael Scott
Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. (Pam puts hair back up) (Michael walks by Jim) Man, this must be torture for you.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant.
Jim Halpert
Hey Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey Jim-bag.
Jim Halpert
Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.
Michael Scott
Really?
Jim Halpert
Umm, hmm.
Michael Scott
Who else knows?
Jim Halpert
Nobody.
Michael Scott
Wow!
Michael Scott
Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
Michael Scott
My lips are sealed. (singing) My lips are sealed... Bangles.
Jim Halpert
Alright. Great. Thank you.
Michael Scott
(singing) Can you hear me, they talk about us...
Dwight Schrute
Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?
Ryan Howard
Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Dwight Schrute
Do you think? Or do you know?
Ryan Howard
I think.
Dwight Schrute
(low) Oh God, here.
Michael Scott
Hey, whatcha gettin'?
Jim Halpert
I'm going with grape.
Michael Scott
Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?
Jim Halpert
Which one?
Michael Scott
Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation?
Jim Halpert
I don't know what you mean.
Michael Scott
P-A-M. P-A
Jim Halpert
Uh, uh, ok.
Michael Scott
No it's okay, we're talking code.
Stanley Hudson
What is?
Michael Scott
Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?
Jim Halpert
I'm going to take off actually.
Michael Scott
Alright, well, cool. (Michael walks by Jim) Still deciding?
Stanley Hudson
Hmm?
Michael Scott
(Michael presses a button for Stanley) Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it.
Dwight Schrute
Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy.
Dwight Schrute
There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
Michael Scott
It's Grrrrrrape! Soda.
Jim Halpert
Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more.
Michael Scott
Not so much.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, what is going on here?
Michael Scott
Nothing.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.
Michael Scott
Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.
Dwight Schrute
Ok. So what is the secret Michael?
Jim Halpert
Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.
Dwight Schrute
Is that true?
Michael Scott
Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
I can tell. I won't let you down.
Michael Scott
Good.
Jim Halpert
Thanks.
Michael Scott
Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch?
Jim Halpert
I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.
Michael Scott
Oh nonsense (lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk), no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.
Jim Halpert
No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here.
Michael Scott
Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who.
Jim Halpert
Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out.
Michael Scott
I know just he place.
Michael Scott
(at Hooters) Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?
Michael Scott
Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.
Michael Scott
Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi.
Dana
Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.
Michael Scott
We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.
Jim Halpert
Nope we're not brothers.
Michael Scott
I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.
Jim Halpert
Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.
Dana
And for you?
Michael Scott
Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?
Dana
Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce.
Michael Scott
Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. (Giggles)
Dana
Is that what you really want?
Michael Scott
No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.
Dana
Great.
Dwight Schrute
Who took all the black ones?
Pam Beesly
That's a communal bowl.
Dwight Schrute
So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?
Pam Beesly
Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
Sniffling how?
Pam Beesly
Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?
Dwight Schrute
Three.
Pam Beesly
Ok, it was the second one.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?
Pam Beesly
Nuh-uh.
Michael Scott
What do you like best about Pam?
Jim Halpert
Uh, I really don't want to talk about it.
Michael Scott
Is it her boobs, or...
Jim Halpert
Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor.
Michael Scott
Really?
Jim Halpert
Uh-huh.
Michael Scott
Never get's any of my jokes.
Jim Halpert
What about you?
Michael Scott
Her boobs, definitely.
Jim Halpert
Wow, that's not what I meant.
Dana
Here you go.
Michael Scott
Oh, thank you.
Dana
And I understand we have a birthday today.
Michael Scott
Ohhh happy birthday Jim!
Dana
Ready girls? Front side.
Hooter's Girls
You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo!
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Woo! Yeah!
Jim Halpert
Thanks, thanks Dana.
Michael Scott
Thank you very much.
Michael Scott
Hilarious. Hey.
Pam Beesly
What did you guys talk about?
Jim Halpert
(Holds up Hooters t-shirt) Just you know politics, literature.
Pam Beesly
I hate you.
Dwight Schrute
Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.
Michael Scott
Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.
Dwight Schrute
Including prep time?
Michael Scott
Just do it.
Ryan Howard
If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.
Michael Scott
(Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's) Expenses.
Kevin Malone
Michael is that a wig?
Michael Scott
No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?
Kevin Malone
No.
Angela Martin
This is from Hooters.
Michael Scott
Yeah, it's a business lunch.
Angela Martin
Did Toby approve this?
Michael Scott
No he did not. I don't need his permission.
Toby Flenderson
You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?
Michael Scott
Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?
Michael Scott
I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.
Toby Flenderson
I'm not processing this.
Michael Scott
Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?
Toby Flenderson
He seems fine to me.
Michael Scott
You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?
Kelly Kapoor
Pam?
Phyllis Vance
Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?
Angela Martin
It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy.
Kevin Malone
Jim has got it bad for Pam.
Creed Bratton
Oh ho! Which one is Pam?
Kevin Malone
Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?
Michael Scott
You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.
Dwight Schrute
As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved.
Kelly Kapoor
Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam?
Jim Halpert
Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I (hesitate) don't. Riveting.
Kevin Malone
Nice... she is so hot.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Did you find anything good in your desk?
Jim Halpert
Ah, coupon for a free sandwich.
Pam Beesly
Score.
Jim Halpert
It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Pam Beesly
Big day.
Jim Halpert
Big day.
Jim Halpert
Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Jim Halpert
Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael.
Pam Beesly
Right.
Jim Halpert
And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean.
Pam Beesly
No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started.
Jim Halpert
Oh you did?
Pam Beesly
No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well.
Jim Halpert
No, no, you saw through me, great.
Pam Beesly
So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay.
Pam Beesly
Mmm, hmm.
Jim Halpert
And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.
Pam Beesly
Cool.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.
Gil
Who's this?
Dwight Schrute
This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?
Gil
Gil.
Oscar Martinez
Are you going to tell Michael?
Dwight Schrute
How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Dwight Schrute
Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Michael Scott
I know, I know, I know.
Jim Halpert
Umm, what happened?
Michael Scott
I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that (starts to get choked up) this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.
Jim Halpert
Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal.
Michael Scott
Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just.
Jim Halpert
Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?
Michael Scott
Yeah I'm good.
Jim Halpert
Good.
Ryan Howard
Creed did you organize the menu book?
Creed Bratton
Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
Ryan Howard
No, that was mandatory.
Creed Bratton
Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.
Pam Beesly
Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay?
Michael Scott
Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim.
Pam Beesly
Oh, no, that's, you don't have to.
Michael Scott
No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend.
Pam Beesly
No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so.
Michael Scott
It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.
Pam Beesly
Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?
Michael Scott
Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out.
Jim Halpert
Ready?
Pam Beesly
Yep.
Michael Scott
People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.