Scene 017 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Not much what's up with you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. (laughing) Oh, my God.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?Michael ScottOpen quote: What's up-dog?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nothin' much what's up with you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!
Scene 022 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I'm on the phone.
Scene 035 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?Ryan HowardOpen quote: What's that?Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Huh?Michael ScottOpen quote: (low) No, damn it!
Scene 044 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: What does that mean?Michael ScottOpen quote: What does what mean?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: The thing you just said?Michael ScottOpen quote: Just forget it.
Scene 056 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What's up-dog?Michael ScottOpen quote: Gotcha! (laughing) Oh, God. (low) Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good. How are you doing?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (mouthing) So close.Michael ScottOpen quote: (low) Damn it.
Scene 063 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Empty mind.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say.
Scene 075 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar?Angela MartinOpen quote: He's out sick.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's unacceptable.Angela MartinOpen quote: I agree it's unacceptable. (longing look)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Whhh... What are you guys doing?
Scene 084 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oscar is out sick.Michael ScottOpen quote: On a Friday? (Dwight nods)
Scene 0927 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Can I do some of the talking?Michael ScottOpen quote: I will do all the talking.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, let him know that I'm here.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Hello.Michael ScottOpen quote: What difference does it make whether your here?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Hello?Michael ScottOpen quote: Hi, Oscar its Michael.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And Dwight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah I think I came down with the flu.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah, I feel terrible about it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D.Michael ScottOpen quote: What are your symptoms?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I have the chills.Michael ScottOpen quote: Umm, hmmm.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I feel nauseous and my heads killing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Checks out.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.Michael ScottOpen quote: I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I'll just be sleep--- (Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok. First impressions?Michael ScottOpen quote: He sounded sick.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's exactly what I was thinking.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Question? May I investigate?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.
Scene 107 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I bought my veil.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ummm...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. (Pam puts hair back up) (Michael walks by Jim) Man, this must be torture for you.
Scene 111 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant.
Scene 128 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey Jim-bag.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Umm, hmm.Michael ScottOpen quote: Who else knows?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nobody.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow!
Scene 131 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
Scene 143 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: My lips are sealed. (singing) My lips are sealed... Bangles.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright. Great. Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: (singing) Can you hear me, they talk about us...
Scene 155 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, I think I can handle it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you think? Or do you know?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I think.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (low) Oh God, here.
Scene 1615 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, whatcha gettin'?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm going with grape.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Which one?Michael ScottOpen quote: Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don't know what you mean.Michael ScottOpen quote: P-A-M. P-AJim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, uh, ok.Michael ScottOpen quote: No it's okay, we're talking code.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: What is?Michael ScottOpen quote: Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm going to take off actually.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, well, cool. (Michael walks by Jim) Still deciding?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Hmm?Michael ScottOpen quote: (Michael presses a button for Stanley) Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it.
Scene 171 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy.
Scene 181 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
Scene 1923 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: It's Grrrrrrape! Soda.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more.Michael ScottOpen quote: Not so much.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, what is going on here?Michael ScottOpen quote: Nothing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.Michael ScottOpen quote: Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok. So what is the secret Michael?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Is that true?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can tell. I won't let you down.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks.Michael ScottOpen quote: Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh nonsense (lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk), no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know just he place.
Scene 211 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.
Scene 2213 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi.DanaOpen quote: Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.Michael ScottOpen quote: We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nope we're not brothers.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.DanaOpen quote: And for you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?DanaOpen quote: Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. (Giggles)DanaOpen quote: Is that what you really want?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.DanaOpen quote: Great.
Scene 2310 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Who took all the black ones?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That's a communal bowl.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Sniffling how?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Three.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ok, it was the second one.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nuh-uh.
Scene 2420 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What do you like best about Pam?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, I really don't want to talk about it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is it her boobs, or...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh-huh.Michael ScottOpen quote: Never get's any of my jokes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What about you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Her boobs, definitely.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow, that's not what I meant.DanaOpen quote: Here you go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, thank you.DanaOpen quote: And I understand we have a birthday today.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ohhh happy birthday Jim!DanaOpen quote: Ready girls? Front side.Hooter's GirlsOpen quote: You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Woo! Yeah!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks, thanks Dana.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you very much.
Scene 254 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hilarious. Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What did you guys talk about?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Holds up Hooters t-shirt) Just you know politics, literature.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I hate you.
Scene 264 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Including prep time?Michael ScottOpen quote: Just do it.
Scene 271 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.
Scene 289 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's) Expenses.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Michael is that a wig?Michael ScottOpen quote: No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No.Angela MartinOpen quote: This is from Hooters.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, it's a business lunch.Angela MartinOpen quote: Did Toby approve this?Michael ScottOpen quote: No he did not. I don't need his permission.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?
Scene 291 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?
Scene 306 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I'm not processing this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: He seems fine to me.Michael ScottOpen quote: You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Pam?
Scene 312 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?Angela MartinOpen quote: It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy.
Scene 324 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Jim has got it bad for Pam.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Oh ho! Which one is Pam?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.
Scene 331 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved.
Scene 351 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I (hesitate) don't. Riveting.
Scene 3723 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Did you find anything good in your desk?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ah, coupon for a free sandwich.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Score.Jim HalpertOpen quote: It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Big day.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Big day.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Right.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh you did?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, no, you saw through me, great.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Mmm, hmm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Cool.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok.
Scene 386 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.GilOpen quote: Who's this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?GilOpen quote: Gil.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Are you going to tell Michael?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Scene 391 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.
Scene 409 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know, I know, I know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Umm, what happened?Michael ScottOpen quote: I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that (starts to get choked up) this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah I'm good.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good.
Scene 414 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Creed did you organize the menu book?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.Ryan HowardOpen quote: No, that was mandatory.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.
Scene 428 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, no, that's, you don't have to.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so.Michael ScottOpen quote: It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out.
Scene 441 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.