The Secret

Vol. 2 · Issue 13The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Here is every word of dialogue from the time Jim made the mistake of trusting Michael with a secret about Pam. You'll find the full script covering everything from the Hooters lunch to Dwight’s intense investigation into Oscar’s "flu." It is all the best lines and awkward moments from this classic episode in one spot.

Scene 01

7 lines

Jim Halpert

Not much what's up with you?

Pam Beesly

Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. (laughing) Oh, my God.

Michael Scott

Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.

Jim Halpert

Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?

Michael Scott

What's up-dog?

Jim Halpert

Nothin' much what's up with you?

Michael Scott

Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!

Scene 02

2 lines

Michael Scott

Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog?

Stanley Hudson

I'm on the phone.

Scene 03

5 lines

Michael Scott

Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?

Ryan Howard

What's that?

Michael Scott

I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?

Ryan Howard

Huh?

Michael Scott

(low) No, damn it!

Scene 04

4 lines

Kevin Malone

What does that mean?

Michael Scott

What does what mean?

Kevin Malone

The thing you just said?

Michael Scott

Just forget it.

Scene 05

6 lines

Michael Scott

Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?

Dwight Schrute

What's up-dog?

Michael Scott

Gotcha! (laughing) Oh, God. (low) Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?

Dwight Schrute

Good. How are you doing?

Jim Halpert

(mouthing) So close.

Michael Scott

(low) Damn it.

Scene 06

3 lines

Michael Scott

Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a...

Dwight Schrute

Empty mind.

Michael Scott

No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say.

Scene 07

5 lines

Dwight Schrute

Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar?

Angela Martin

He's out sick.

Dwight Schrute

That's unacceptable.

Angela Martin

I agree it's unacceptable. (longing look)

Kevin Malone

Whhh... What are you guys doing?

Scene 08

4 lines

Dwight Schrute

Michael.

Michael Scott

Yes.

Dwight Schrute

Oscar is out sick.

Michael Scott

On a Friday? (Dwight nods)

Scene 09

27 lines

Dwight Schrute

Can I do some of the talking?

Michael Scott

I will do all the talking.

Dwight Schrute

Ok, let him know that I'm here.

Oscar Martinez

Hello.

Michael Scott

What difference does it make whether your here?

Oscar Martinez

Hello?

Michael Scott

Hi, Oscar its Michael.

Dwight Schrute

And Dwight.

Michael Scott

Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather?

Oscar Martinez

Yeah I think I came down with the flu.

Michael Scott

Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.

Oscar Martinez

Yeah, I feel terrible about it.

Dwight Schrute

Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D.

Michael Scott

What are your symptoms?

Oscar Martinez

I have the chills.

Michael Scott

Umm, hmmm.

Oscar Martinez

I feel nauseous and my heads killing.

Dwight Schrute

Checks out.

Oscar Martinez

Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.

Michael Scott

I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend.

Oscar Martinez

I'll just be sleep--- (Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish)

Dwight Schrute

Ok. First impressions?

Michael Scott

He sounded sick.

Dwight Schrute

Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick.

Michael Scott

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Dwight Schrute

Question? May I investigate?

Michael Scott

Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.

Scene 10

7 lines

Pam Beesly

I bought my veil.

Kelly Kapoor

Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid?

Pam Beesly

Ummm...

Kelly Kapoor

Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair?

Pam Beesly

Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and...

Kelly Kapoor

You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry.

Michael Scott

Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. (Pam puts hair back up) (Michael walks by Jim) Man, this must be torture for you.

Scene 11

1 line

Jim Halpert

Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant.

Scene 12

8 lines

Jim Halpert

Hey Michael.

Michael Scott

Hey Jim-bag.

Jim Halpert

Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great.

Michael Scott

Really?

Jim Halpert

Umm, hmm.

Michael Scott

Who else knows?

Jim Halpert

Nobody.

Michael Scott

Wow!

Scene 13

1 line

Michael Scott

Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.

Scene 14

3 lines

Michael Scott

My lips are sealed. (singing) My lips are sealed... Bangles.

Jim Halpert

Alright. Great. Thank you.

Michael Scott

(singing) Can you hear me, they talk about us...

Scene 15

5 lines

Dwight Schrute

Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?

Ryan Howard

Yeah, I think I can handle it.

Dwight Schrute

Do you think? Or do you know?

Ryan Howard

I think.

Dwight Schrute

(low) Oh God, here.

Scene 16

15 lines

Michael Scott

Hey, whatcha gettin'?

Jim Halpert

I'm going with grape.

Michael Scott

Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night?

Jim Halpert

Which one?

Michael Scott

Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation?

Jim Halpert

I don't know what you mean.

Michael Scott

P-A-M. P-A

Jim Halpert

Uh, uh, ok.

Michael Scott

No it's okay, we're talking code.

Stanley Hudson

What is?

Michael Scott

Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda?

Jim Halpert

I'm going to take off actually.

Michael Scott

Alright, well, cool. (Michael walks by Jim) Still deciding?

Stanley Hudson

Hmm?

Michael Scott

(Michael presses a button for Stanley) Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it.

Scene 17

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy.

Scene 18

1 line

Dwight Schrute

There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.

Scene 19

23 lines

Michael Scott

It's Grrrrrrape! Soda.

Jim Halpert

Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more.

Michael Scott

Not so much.

Dwight Schrute

Ok, what is going on here?

Michael Scott

Nothing.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim.

Michael Scott

Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets.

Dwight Schrute

Ok. So what is the secret Michael?

Jim Halpert

Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.

Dwight Schrute

Is that true?

Michael Scott

Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is.

Dwight Schrute

Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth.

Michael Scott

Ok.

Dwight Schrute

I can tell. I won't let you down.

Michael Scott

Good.

Jim Halpert

Thanks.

Michael Scott

Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch?

Jim Halpert

I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.

Michael Scott

Oh nonsense (lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk), no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.

Jim Halpert

No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here.

Michael Scott

Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who.

Jim Halpert

Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out.

Michael Scott

I know just he place.

Scene 20

1 line

Michael Scott

(at Hooters) Oh man, you should order milk. Get it?

Scene 21

1 line

Michael Scott

Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings.

Scene 22

13 lines

Michael Scott

Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi.

Dana

Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.

Michael Scott

We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers.

Jim Halpert

Nope we're not brothers.

Michael Scott

I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants.

Jim Halpert

Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks.

Dana

And for you?

Michael Scott

Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast?

Dana

Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce.

Michael Scott

Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. (Giggles)

Dana

Is that what you really want?

Michael Scott

No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.

Dana

Great.

Scene 23

10 lines

Dwight Schrute

Who took all the black ones?

Pam Beesly

That's a communal bowl.

Dwight Schrute

So, how did Oscar sound when he called in?

Pam Beesly

Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know.

Dwight Schrute

Sniffling how?

Pam Beesly

Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle?

Dwight Schrute

Three.

Pam Beesly

Ok, it was the second one.

Dwight Schrute

Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it?

Pam Beesly

Nuh-uh.

Scene 24

20 lines

Michael Scott

What do you like best about Pam?

Jim Halpert

Uh, I really don't want to talk about it.

Michael Scott

Is it her boobs, or...

Jim Halpert

Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor.

Michael Scott

Really?

Jim Halpert

Uh-huh.

Michael Scott

Never get's any of my jokes.

Jim Halpert

What about you?

Michael Scott

Her boobs, definitely.

Jim Halpert

Wow, that's not what I meant.

Dana

Here you go.

Michael Scott

Oh, thank you.

Dana

And I understand we have a birthday today.

Michael Scott

Ohhh happy birthday Jim!

Dana

Ready girls? Front side.

Hooter's Girls

You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo!

Jim Halpert

Thank you.

Michael Scott

Woo! Yeah!

Jim Halpert

Thanks, thanks Dana.

Michael Scott

Thank you very much.

Scene 25

4 lines

Michael Scott

Hilarious. Hey.

Pam Beesly

What did you guys talk about?

Jim Halpert

(Holds up Hooters t-shirt) Just you know politics, literature.

Pam Beesly

I hate you.

Scene 26

4 lines

Dwight Schrute

Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office.

Michael Scott

Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes.

Dwight Schrute

Including prep time?

Michael Scott

Just do it.

Scene 27

1 line

Ryan Howard

If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.

Scene 28

9 lines

Michael Scott

(Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's) Expenses.

Kevin Malone

Michael is that a wig?

Michael Scott

No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig?

Kevin Malone

No.

Angela Martin

This is from Hooters.

Michael Scott

Yeah, it's a business lunch.

Angela Martin

Did Toby approve this?

Michael Scott

No he did not. I don't need his permission.

Toby Flenderson

You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again?

Scene 29

1 line

Michael Scott

Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right?

Scene 30

6 lines

Michael Scott

I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us.

Toby Flenderson

I'm not processing this.

Michael Scott

Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related?

Toby Flenderson

He seems fine to me.

Michael Scott

You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please?

Kelly Kapoor

Pam?

Scene 31

2 lines

Phyllis Vance

Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy?

Angela Martin

It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy.

Scene 32

4 lines

Kevin Malone

Jim has got it bad for Pam.

Creed Bratton

Oh ho! Which one is Pam?

Kevin Malone

Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?

Michael Scott

You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me.

Scene 33

1 line

Dwight Schrute

As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved.

Scene 34

1 line

Kelly Kapoor

Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam?

Scene 35

1 line

Jim Halpert

Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I (hesitate) don't. Riveting.

Scene 36

1 line

Kevin Malone

Nice... she is so hot.

Scene 37

23 lines

Pam Beesly

Hey.

Jim Halpert

Hey.

Pam Beesly

Did you find anything good in your desk?

Jim Halpert

Ah, coupon for a free sandwich.

Pam Beesly

Score.

Jim Halpert

It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago.

Pam Beesly

Big day.

Jim Halpert

Big day.

Jim Halpert

Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.

Pam Beesly

Oh.

Jim Halpert

Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael.

Pam Beesly

Right.

Jim Halpert

And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean.

Pam Beesly

No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started.

Jim Halpert

Oh you did?

Pam Beesly

No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well.

Jim Halpert

No, no, you saw through me, great.

Pam Beesly

So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now?

Jim Halpert

Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay.

Pam Beesly

Mmm, hmm.

Jim Halpert

And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it.

Pam Beesly

Cool.

Jim Halpert

Ok.

Scene 38

6 lines

Dwight Schrute

Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all.

Gil

Who's this?

Dwight Schrute

This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this?

Gil

Gil.

Oscar Martinez

Are you going to tell Michael?

Dwight Schrute

How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.

Scene 39

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake.

Scene 40

9 lines

Jim Halpert

Hey.

Michael Scott

I know, I know, I know.

Jim Halpert

Umm, what happened?

Michael Scott

I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that (starts to get choked up) this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid.

Jim Halpert

Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal.

Michael Scott

Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just.

Jim Halpert

Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good?

Michael Scott

Yeah I'm good.

Jim Halpert

Good.

Scene 41

4 lines

Creed Bratton

Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.

Ryan Howard

No, that was mandatory.

Creed Bratton

Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.

Scene 42

8 lines

Pam Beesly

Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay?

Michael Scott

Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim.

Pam Beesly

Oh, no, that's, you don't have to.

Michael Scott

No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend.

Pam Beesly

No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so.

Michael Scott

It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise.

Pam Beesly

Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise?

Michael Scott

Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out.

Scene 43

2 lines

Jim Halpert

Ready?

Pam Beesly

Yep.

Scene 44

1 line

Michael Scott

People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.