Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Carpet

Vol. 2 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Someone left a nasty surprise on Michael's floor, and now Jim is stuck listening to Kelly in the back. Every line and joke from the episode is laid out here in the full script for you to find.

Scene 01

2 lines
Ryan Howard
(catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk) What?
Jim Halpert
Oh, nothing.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.

Scene 03

2 lines
Ryan Howard
(again catching Jim looking at him) What?
Jim Halpert
Oh, nothing.

Scene 04

1 line
Ryan Howard
Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.

Scene 05

9 lines
Michael Scott
Spamster!
Pam Beesly
Um, Pam plus Spam plus...?
Michael Scott
Hamster.
Pam Beesly
Right.
Michael Scott
Welcome back! How was your vacation?
Pam Beesly
It was great.
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Mm-hm.
Michael Scott
Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!

Scene 06

1 line
Pam Beesly
Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.

Scene 07

21 lines
Michael Scott
I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. (walking into office) Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck!
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
Wow! What happened in there?
Pam Beesly
I don't know.
Michael Scott
There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that?
Pam Beesly
(looking at pile on Michel's carpet) Oh... I don't know.
Michael Scott
Is it a bird?
Pam Beesly
No, I don't think it's a bird.
Michael Scott
Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet.
Kevin Malone
What's goin' on?
Michael Scott
Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office.
Kevin Malone
(taking a look) I don't think that's vomit.
Michael Scott
Check it out.
Kevin Malone
Me?
Michael Scott
Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee.
Kevin Malone
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Michael Scott
What is it?
Kevin Malone
Michael. (tapping on door)
Michael Scott
What is it? No, just tell me what it is.
Kevin Malone
(pounding on door) Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long.
Pam Beesly
Open the door up!

Scene 08

1 line
Kevin Malone
It smelled terrible.

Scene 09

5 lines
Pam & others
(after going in to check out the smell) Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. (leaving quickly)
Michael Scott
I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
Toby Flenderson
That's no burst pipe.
Michael Scott
How do you know that? What is it, then?
Creed Bratton
Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup?

Scene 10

4 lines
Michael Scott
(as cleaning lady with mask leaves) Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. (walks into office)
Dwight Schrute
(coughing) It's still stinky.
Michael Scott
That is worse.
Dwight Schrute
She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
(while in his reeking office) I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... (clearing throat) I can't stand it (gets up to leave), I can't stay in here another second. No!

Scene 12

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey! Welcome back!
Pam Beesly
Thanks!
Jim Halpert
So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot?
Pam Beesly
A little.
Jim Halpert
Good! What's goin' on here?

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.

Scene 14

1 line
Ryan Howard
(barely stifling laughter) It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. (regaining composure) It was not me.

Scene 15

10 lines
Jim Halpert
(smelling the stink) Oh. Wow.
Pam Beesly
(giggles at Roy)
Michael Scott
(sitting at Jim's desk) Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Jim Halpert
That might be a little difficult with the one computer.
Michael Scott
Oh... It's ...
Jim Halpert
But there's definitely a desk open in the back.
Michael Scott
(reluctantly) Yeah ...
Jim Halpert
...which I guess I'll be taking.
Michael Scott
No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing.
Jim Halpert
No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back.

Scene 16

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
Are you moving back here?
Jim Halpert
Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly Kapoor
Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim Halpert
Allergy to... the desk?
Kelly Kapoor
(shaking head) Weird.

Scene 17

12 lines
Michael Scott
(putting his feet on desk) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen.
Dwight Schrute
(putting his feet on desk) Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.
Michael Scott
Don't ape me.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Michael Scott
This is great.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
The pressures of my office are insane.
Dwight Schrute
(agreeing) Mm.
Michael Scott
I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here.
Dwight Schrute
No way!
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
And who had your office?

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
Ed Truck. (exclaiming is disgust) Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.

Scene 19

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(to Jim) I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit...

Scene 20

8 lines
Michael Scott
You know who used to sit at that desk?
Dwight Schrute
That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?
Michael Scott
Mm-mm. Todd Packer.
Dwight Schrute
No!
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
I thought he was out on the road.
Michael Scott
He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes.
Dwight Schrute
Ah.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office (picture behind Michael falls). Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.

Scene 22

3 lines
Michael Scott
I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Stanley Hudson
(on phone) Excuse me one second, please. (to Michael) What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer?
Michael Scott
Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. (laughs) Okay.

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.

Scene 24

6 lines
Creed Bratton
(after Michael punches him in the arm) What did you hit me for?
Michael Scott
Charley horse!
Creed Bratton
What?
Michael Scott
Charley horse!
Creed Bratton
You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, okay. Gah.

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. (giggles) It was hysterical.

Scene 26

7 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(to Jim) Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...
Ryan Howard
Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.
Jim Halpert
It's the lever on the side.
Ryan Howard
That's what I told him. Thanks. (leaves)
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?
Jim Halpert
No, I don't think I can...
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please...

Scene 27

5 lines
Michael Scott
(whispering) Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) Michael.
Michael Scott
Let's send up Accounting.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.

Scene 28

13 lines
Michael Scott
Hey guys.
Oscar Martinez
Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott
Ahem. What's up?
Oscar Martinez
Hey, Dwight.
Michael & Dwight
(as they throw accountants' files and supplies around) Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah! (laughing)
Michael Scott
Yeah! Oh ho ho (laughing)
Dwight Schrute
Should we help 'em pick up their stuff?
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Michael Scott
Watch out, Pam. You're next!
Pam Beesly
You're gonna throw my things on the ground?
Michael Scott
Maybe!

Scene 29

1 line
Oscar Martinez
What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it (chuckles), it makes sense (regains composure) But it... it was still wrong.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.

Scene 32

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on phone) Hello, am I the 107th caller? (hangs up, dials again) Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? (hangs up and dials again) Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? (hangs up and begins to dial again) I'm totally gonna win us that box set.
Michael Scott
Stop.
Dwight Schrute
Jethro Tull...
Michael Scott
Stop it. (Dwight hangs up) Stop. It. (Dwight beings to dial) Don't. Don't.
Dwight Schrute
I need to make a sales call. Please?
Michael Scott
All right.
Dwight Schrute
(on phone, whispering) Am I the 107th caller?

Scene 33

5 lines
Pam Beesly
(to Roy in Jim's earshot) ...back so soon.
Roy Anderson
We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, right.
Roy Anderson
Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend.

Scene 34

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(to unseen co-worker) But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30.

Scene 35

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom) Are you kidding?
Roy Anderson
No.

Scene 36

14 lines
Michael Scott
Hi, guys.
Angela Martin
We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit.
Michael Scott
I'm just walking around.
Angela Martin
Were you?
Michael Scott
Well, yeah.
Oscar Martinez
It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
(counting cash) Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... (moves money after seeing workmen walk by) ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?
Phyllis Vance
You're gonna compete against us?
Michael Scott
Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!
Dwight Schrute
It is so on!
Michael Scott
God, this is gonna be fun.
Dwight Schrute
Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!

Scene 37

11 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. (hangs up) Yes! (chuckles) Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! (puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead) Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! (humming then dancing victoriously)
Darryl Philbin
(walking by with new carpet) What... What's that? Whatcha doing?
Michael Scott
(stops dance) Nothing.
Roy Anderson
(laughing) I think he's dancing.
Michael Scott
No. Just ...
Darryl Philbin
That was definitely not dancing.
Michael Scott
You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just...
Darryl Philbin
Paper business.
Michael Scott
Yeah, paper business. Is this done?
Roy Anderson
Nope.
Michael Scott
Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. (snaps)

Scene 38

1 line
Pam Beesly
Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know.

Scene 39

3 lines
Creed Bratton
(to Oscar) Who do you think did it?
Oscar Martinez
Are you kidding? I thought it was you.
Creed Bratton
Really? I thought you. (both laugh in Michael's earshot)

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.

Scene 41

9 lines
Michael Scott
You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today.
Pam Beesly
That doesn't seem fair.
Michael Scott
You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.
Dwight Schrute
But you're the one who picked today.
Michael Scott
I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about.
Stanley Hudson
That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott
Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . (no one comes forward) Very well. Then you are all punished.
Pam Beesly
What's our punishment?
Michael Scott
You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. (phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer) No. NO! (phone continues to ring)

Scene 42

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey!
Ryan Howard
What's up?
Jim Halpert
Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward.
Ryan Howard
What?
Jim Halpert
What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan Howard
I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... (notices camera) Umm... She's really cool.
Jim Halpert
Are you interested in her?
Ryan Howard
Yeah, totally.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Ryan Howard
Did she say something?
Jim Halpert
She said lots of things.
Ryan Howard
Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?
Jim Halpert
I have no idea.
Ryan Howard
Can you find out?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Sure.

Scene 43

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
(to Jim) Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?

Scene 44

7 lines
Michael Scott
Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed Bratton
Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael Scott
How would I know?
Creed Bratton
I thought you might.
Michael Scott
My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed Bratton
Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott
(sighs) I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?

Scene 45

18 lines
Michael Scott
(meeting Ed Truck in parking lot) Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back.
Ed
Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
Michael Scott
Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now.
Ed
So, what's the problem with my pension?
Michael Scott
Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
Ed
Well, what was done?
Michael Scott
I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible.
Ed
Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
Michael Scott
Really?
Ed
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?
Ed
You can't expect to be friends with everybody.
Michael Scott
Well... s-sure I can.
Ed
No. They'll always think of you as a boss first.
Michael Scott
Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Ed
I'm not sure that ever happens.
Michael Scott
Well, okay. Different management styles.
Ed
Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."

Scene 47

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Kelly Kapoor
You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Jim Halpert
Yep.

Scene 48

20 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Yes.
Todd Packer
Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Who is this? How did you get this number?
Todd Packer
Your mom, you gay nerd!
Michael Scott
Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'?
Todd Packer
Hey, did you get that package I left for you?
Michael Scott
Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Todd Packer
It was pretty big.
Michael Scott
Really?
Todd Packer
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Todd Packer
Left it in the middle of your office.
Michael Scott
Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Roy Anderson
You mean the thing?
Todd Packer
(laughs uproariously)
Michael Scott
Are you kidding me? Oh!
Todd Packer
Special delivery!
Michael Scott
That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you.
Todd Packer
Sit on the throne, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh. (laughs and claps) Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer!

Scene 49

1 line
Michael Scott
It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. (giggles) We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out.

Scene 50

2 lines
Jim's voicemail
You have seven unheard messages.
Pam Beesly
(voicemail message for Jim) Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back!

Scene 51

1 line
Pam Beesly
(voicemail message for Jim) Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.

Scene 52

1 line
Pam Beesly
(voicemail message for Jim) Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.

Scene 53

1 line
Pam Beesly
(voicemail message for Jim) I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you.

Scene 54

1 line
Pam Beesly
(voicemail message for Jim) Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.

Scene 55

1 line
Pam Beesly
(voicemail message for Jim) Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow.

Scene 56

1 line
Pam Beesly
(voicemail message for Jim) Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.