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Season 2 Episode 14
The Carpet

Every line from The Office episode "The Carpet", season 2 episode 14.

Ryan Howard: (catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk) What?
Jim Halpert: Oh, nothing.
Jim Halpert: Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that.
Ryan Howard: (again catching Jim looking at him) What?
Jim Halpert: Oh, nothing.
Ryan Howard: Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.
Michael Scott: Spamster!
Pam Beesly: Um, Pam plus Spam plus...?
Michael Scott: Hamster.
Pam Beesly: Right.
Michael Scott: Welcome back! How was your vacation?
Pam Beesly: It was great.
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Pam Beesly: Mm-hm.
Michael Scott: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink!
Pam Beesly: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.
Michael Scott: I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. (walking into office) Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck!
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: Wow! What happened in there?
Pam Beesly: I don't know.
Michael Scott: There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that?
Pam Beesly: (looking at pile on Michel's carpet) Oh... I don't know.
Michael Scott: Is it a bird?
Pam Beesly: No, I don't think it's a bird.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet.
Kevin Malone: What's goin' on?
Michael Scott: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office.
Kevin Malone: (taking a look) I don't think that's vomit.
Michael Scott: Check it out.
Kevin Malone: Me?
Michael Scott: Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee.
Kevin Malone: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Michael Scott: What is it?
Kevin Malone: Michael. (tapping on door)
Michael Scott: What is it? No, just tell me what it is.
Kevin Malone: (pounding on door) Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long.
Pam Beesly: Open the door up!
Kevin Malone: It smelled terrible.
Pam & others: (after going in to check out the smell) Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. (leaving quickly)
Michael Scott: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there.
Toby Flenderson: That's no burst pipe.
Michael Scott: How do you know that? What is it, then?
Creed Bratton: Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup?
Michael Scott: (as cleaning lady with mask leaves) Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. (walks into office)
Dwight Schrute: (coughing) It's still stinky.
Michael Scott: That is worse.
Dwight Schrute: She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.
Michael Scott: (while in his reeking office) I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... (clearing throat) I can't stand it (gets up to leave), I can't stay in here another second. No!
Jim Halpert: Hey! Welcome back!
Pam Beesly: Thanks!
Jim Halpert: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot?
Pam Beesly: A little.
Jim Halpert: Good! What's goin' on here?
Jim Halpert: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting.
Ryan Howard: (barely stifling laughter) It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. (regaining composure) It was not me.
Jim Halpert: (smelling the stink) Oh. Wow.
Pam Beesly: (giggles at Roy)
Michael Scott: (sitting at Jim's desk) Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet.
Jim Halpert: That might be a little difficult with the one computer.
Michael Scott: Oh... It's ...
Jim Halpert: But there's definitely a desk open in the back.
Michael Scott: (reluctantly) Yeah ...
Jim Halpert: ...which I guess I'll be taking.
Michael Scott: No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing.
Jim Halpert: No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you moving back here?
Jim Halpert: Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk.
Kelly Kapoor: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy.
Jim Halpert: Allergy to... the desk?
Kelly Kapoor: (shaking head) Weird.
Michael Scott: (putting his feet on desk) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen.
Dwight Schrute: (putting his feet on desk) Ha ha ha... the old bullpen.
Michael Scott: Don't ape me.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: This is great.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: The pressures of my office are insane.
Dwight Schrute: (agreeing) Mm.
Michael Scott: I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here.
Dwight Schrute: No way!
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: And who had your office?
Michael Scott: Ed Truck. (exclaiming is disgust) Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away.
Kelly Kapoor: (to Jim) I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit...
Michael Scott: You know who used to sit at that desk?
Dwight Schrute: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company?
Michael Scott: Mm-mm. Todd Packer.
Dwight Schrute: No!
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: I thought he was out on the road.
Michael Scott: He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes.
Dwight Schrute: Ah.
Michael Scott: When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office (picture behind Michael falls). Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.
Michael Scott: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Stanley Hudson: (on phone) Excuse me one second, please. (to Michael) What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer?
Michael Scott: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. (laughs) Okay.
Michael Scott: Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.
Creed Bratton: (after Michael punches him in the arm) What did you hit me for?
Michael Scott: Charley horse!
Creed Bratton: What?
Michael Scott: Charley horse!
Creed Bratton: You shouldn't have hit me, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Gah.
Michael Scott: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. (giggles) It was hysterical.
Kelly Kapoor: (to Jim) Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...
Ryan Howard: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair.
Jim Halpert: It's the lever on the side.
Ryan Howard: That's what I told him. Thanks. (leaves)
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?
Jim Halpert: No, I don't think I can...
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please...
Michael Scott: (whispering) Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) Michael.
Michael Scott: Let's send up Accounting.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead.
Michael Scott: Hey guys.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Ahem. What's up?
Oscar Martinez: Hey, Dwight.
Michael & Dwight: (as they throw accountants' files and supplies around) Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! (laughing)
Michael Scott: Yeah! Oh ho ho (laughing)
Dwight Schrute: Should we help 'em pick up their stuff?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Watch out, Pam. You're next!
Pam Beesly: You're gonna throw my things on the ground?
Michael Scott: Maybe!
Oscar Martinez: What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it (chuckles), it makes sense (regains composure) But it... it was still wrong.
Michael Scott: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her.
Michael Scott: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense.
Dwight Schrute: (on phone) Hello, am I the 107th caller? (hangs up, dials again) Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? (hangs up and dials again) Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? (hangs up and begins to dial again) I'm totally gonna win us that box set.
Michael Scott: Stop.
Dwight Schrute: Jethro Tull...
Michael Scott: Stop it. (Dwight hangs up) Stop. It. (Dwight beings to dial) Don't. Don't.
Dwight Schrute: I need to make a sales call. Please?
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight Schrute: (on phone, whispering) Am I the 107th caller?
Pam Beesly: (to Roy in Jim's earshot) ...back so soon.
Roy Anderson: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, right.
Roy Anderson: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend.
Kelly Kapoor: (to unseen co-worker) But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30.
Pam Beesly: (to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom) Are you kidding?
Roy Anderson: No.
Michael Scott: Hi, guys.
Angela Martin: We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit.
Michael Scott: I'm just walking around.
Angela Martin: Were you?
Michael Scott: Well, yeah.
Oscar Martinez: It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: (counting cash) Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... (moves money after seeing workmen walk by) ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?
Phyllis Vance: You're gonna compete against us?
Michael Scott: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on!
Dwight Schrute: It is so on!
Michael Scott: God, this is gonna be fun.
Dwight Schrute: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us!
Michael Scott: (on phone) So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. (hangs up) Yes! (chuckles) Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! (puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead) Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! (humming then dancing victoriously)
Darryl Philbin: (walking by with new carpet) What... What's that? Whatcha doing?
Michael Scott: (stops dance) Nothing.
Roy Anderson: (laughing) I think he's dancing.
Michael Scott: No. Just ...
Darryl Philbin: That was definitely not dancing.
Michael Scott: You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just...
Darryl Philbin: Paper business.
Michael Scott: Yeah, paper business. Is this done?
Roy Anderson: Nope.
Michael Scott: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. (snaps)
Pam Beesly: Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know.
Creed Bratton: (to Oscar) Who do you think did it?
Oscar Martinez: Are you kidding? I thought it was you.
Creed Bratton: Really? I thought you. (both laugh in Michael's earshot)
Michael Scott: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.
Michael Scott: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today.
Pam Beesly: That doesn't seem fair.
Michael Scott: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage.
Dwight Schrute: But you're the one who picked today.
Michael Scott: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about.
Stanley Hudson: That's not what a hate crime is.
Michael Scott: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . (no one comes forward) Very well. Then you are all punished.
Pam Beesly: What's our punishment?
Michael Scott: You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. (phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer) No. NO! (phone continues to ring)
Jim Halpert: Hey!
Ryan Howard: What's up?
Jim Halpert: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward.
Ryan Howard: What?
Jim Halpert: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan Howard: I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... (notices camera) Umm... She's really cool.
Jim Halpert: Are you interested in her?
Ryan Howard: Yeah, totally.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Ryan Howard: Did she say something?
Jim Halpert: She said lots of things.
Ryan Howard: Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out?
Jim Halpert: I have no idea.
Ryan Howard: Can you find out?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Sure.
Kelly Kapoor: (to Jim) Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows?
Michael Scott: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed Bratton: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael Scott: How would I know?
Creed Bratton: I thought you might.
Michael Scott: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed Bratton: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael Scott: (sighs) I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?
Michael Scott: (meeting Ed Truck in parking lot) Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back.
Ed: Yeah. Should we go upstairs?
Michael Scott: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now.
Ed: So, what's the problem with my pension?
Michael Scott: Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me.
Ed: Well, what was done?
Michael Scott: I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible.
Ed: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office.
Michael Scott: Really?
Ed: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you?
Ed: You can't expect to be friends with everybody.
Michael Scott: Well... s-sure I can.
Ed: No. They'll always think of you as a boss first.
Michael Scott: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father.
Ed: I'm not sure that ever happens.
Michael Scott: Well, okay. Different management styles.
Ed: Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends?
Michael Scott: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney."
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye.
Kelly Kapoor: You just asked a girl out on the phone!
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Yes.
Todd Packer: Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Todd Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd!
Michael Scott: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'?
Todd Packer: Hey, did you get that package I left for you?
Michael Scott: Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it?
Todd Packer: It was pretty big.
Michael Scott: Really?
Todd Packer: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it?
Todd Packer: Left it in the middle of your office.
Michael Scott: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office?
Roy Anderson: You mean the thing?
Todd Packer: (laughs uproariously)
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? Oh!
Todd Packer: Special delivery!
Michael Scott: That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you.
Todd Packer: Sit on the throne, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh. (laughs and claps) Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer!
Michael Scott: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. (giggles) We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out.
Jim's voicemail: You have seven unheard messages.
Pam Beesly: (voicemail message for Jim) Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back!
Pam Beesly: (voicemail message for Jim) Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.
Pam Beesly: (voicemail message for Jim) Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.
Pam Beesly: (voicemail message for Jim) I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you.
Pam Beesly: (voicemail message for Jim) Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.
Pam Beesly: (voicemail message for Jim) Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow.
Pam Beesly: (voicemail message for Jim) Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 2. The Carpet is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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