Every line from The Office episode "Boys and Girls", season 2 episode 15.
Jan Levinson: Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So...
Michael Scott: (knocks) Hey, what's going on?
Jan Levinson: Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here.
Michael Scott: Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Jan Levinson: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads...
Michael Scott: No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason.
Michael Scott: They did this up in Albany...
Jan Levinson: You are not allowed in this session.
Michael Scott: And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so...
Jan Levinson: Now you're really not allowed in this session.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like...
Jan Levinson: I'm your boss.
Michael Scott: (stands up) Anybody want any coffee or...
Jan Levinson: We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please.
Michael Scott: Let's just clap. Ready? (clapping) Yeah! Yeah!
Michael Scott: That's what I'm talking about!
Jan Levinson: I don't know what you're doing here, Michael,
Michael Scott: Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing.
Jan Levinson: ... but it's very destructive.
Michael Scott: Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
Jan Levinson: Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?
Michael Scott: We have nowhere else Jan. This...
Dwight Schrute: We could do it in the warehouse.
Jan Levinson: Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse.
Michael Scott: OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works.
Michael Scott: So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?
Darryl Philbin: My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time.
Michael Scott: You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing.
Michael Scott: Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy...
Roy Anderson: I don't understand.
Michael Scott: Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing.
Kevin Malone: (talking to Jim) I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim Halpert: Thanks for the head's up, Kev.
Kevin Malone: I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.
Jan Levinson: Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking.
Meredith Palmer: Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations.
Jan Levinson: Great. Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance: I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that.
Angela Martin: (disbelieving) Really?
Phyllis Vance: I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that...
Jan Levinson: No. Okay. Stop. Go on...
Angela Martin: I've seen some of your spreadsheets.
Phyllis Vance: Really? I thought they were pretty...
Roy Anderson: Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam.
Jim Halpert: Oh, no, no. No.
Roy Anderson: No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely.
Roy Anderson: You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I like talking to her too.
Roy Anderson: So, we're cool, right?
Jim Halpert: Yep. Cool, man.
Kevin Malone: (blows a sigh of relief)
Darryl Philbin: Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today.
Michael Scott: Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there.
Darryl Philbin: The experience...
Michael Scott: Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?
Meredith Palmer: In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober.
Jan Levinson: That is an excellent goal.
Meredith Palmer: Four and a half.
Kelly Kapoor: I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.
Jan Levinson: Great! Uh-huh?
Kelly Kapoor: I want an SUV... with three rows of seats.
Women: (general murmuring of agreement)
Darryl Philbin: It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this.
Michael Scott: Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself.
Michael Scott: Stand clear.
Darryl Philbin: Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now.
Michael Scott: I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Darryl Philbin: Look, would ya... look.
Michael Scott: Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up.
Darryl Philbin: We're the ones that got to clean that up!
Michael Scott: We ought to have this thing serviced.
Michael Scott: So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so...
Madge: Hey, do you want me to go?
Michael Scott: No, why? Why would I... ? You could...
Michael Scott: Stay or...
Phyllis Vance: ...and a big walk-in closet.
Meredith Palmer: Oh, that's part of my dream too.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, me too.
Jan Levinson: Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream?
Pam Beesly: Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way.
Phyllis Vance: She's real good.
Jan Levinson: You know the company is offering a design training program in New York.
Pam Beesly: Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off...
Jan Levinson: Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out.
Pam Beesly: Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um...
Jan Levinson: There are always a million reasons not to do something.
Michael Scott: Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know?
Darryl Philbin: My priority is safety.
Darryl Philbin: So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin.
Michael Scott: OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh...
Darryl Philbin: Uh uh uh. Don't shush me.
Michael Scott: I... That was just...
Darryl Philbin: That bothers me too.
Michael Scott: I was breathing.
Roy Anderson: Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.
Michael Scott: I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men.
Lonny: You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us?
Michael Scott: OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it.
Roy Anderson: I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like "When are we going to go on a date-date?"
Guy: I hate that too! (general clapping and agreement)
Darryl Philbin: I hate that too.
Kevin Malone: That sucks so much.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like "Gas ain't free!"
Lonny: Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires.
Michael Scott: I feel you.
Darryl Philbin: No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what?
Dwight Schrute: Not literally.
Darryl Philbin: You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently.
Darryl Philbin: We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder
Michael Scott: Ah, you do. So...
Darryl Philbin: But we get paid a lot less.
Roy Anderson: Like next to no benefits.
Michael Scott: I know. God! What is that?
Michael Scott: It blows. It blows, man. Gah...
Darryl Philbin: You know this would not happen if we had a union.
Roy Anderson: That's what I'm talking about.
Michael Scott: No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah.
Roy Anderson: Absolutely.
Darryl Philbin: That's what we need.
Guy: You know you're right.
Darryl Philbin: Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally.
Michael Scott: You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys.
Darryl Philbin: It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union?
Roy Anderson: In my truck.
Michael Scott: Dockworker's?
Darryl Philbin: Man, hook you up.
Men: (generalized clapping)
Michael Scott: Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.
Darryl Philbin: Union! Union, yeah.
Michael Scott: The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.
Darryl Philbin: Are you with us Mike?
Darryl Philbin: Welcome to the warehouse.
Group chant: Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi...
Jan Levinson: Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before...
Michael Scott: (knocks) This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points...
Jan Levinson: What? A union! What...
Michael Scott: Don't get hysterical.
Michael Scott: Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?
Jan Levinson: The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here?
Michael Scott: Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you.
Jan Levinson: You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out.
Michael Scott: But we're bonding down there!
Jan Levinson: That's too bad.
Michael Scott: I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear.
Jan Levinson: I don't want to...
Michael Scott: Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through...
Jan Levinson: Michael! Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott: We have a history...
Michael Scott: ...between us.
Jan Levinson: Don't say another word.
Jan Levinson: Get yourself down stairs.
Michael Scott: I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.
Jan Levinson: Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means...
Jan Levinson: Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense.
Kelly Kapoor: What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?
Kelly Kapoor: I mean that's a baseball term, right?
Jan Levinson: I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.
Kelly Kapoor: (in the background) ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you.
Jan Levinson: (in the background) Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about.
Kelly Kapoor: (in the background) He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term...
Pam Beesly: How's it going down there?
Jim Halpert: It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls?
Pam Beesly: Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies.
Jim Halpert: Did you really?
Pam Beesly: Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great.
Jim Halpert: Nice. Well, what's it all about?
Jim Halpert: I think you should do it. That's great!
Pam Beesly: It's really cool.
Angela Martin: Are you married?
Jan Levinson: I'm divorced.
Phyllis Vance: That must have been hard.
Jan Levinson: It was. Yes.
Kelly Kapoor: You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael.
Jan Levinson: I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.
Phyllis Vance: Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck.
Angela Martin: At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God.
Jan Levinson: Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five.
Kelly Kapoor: How can someone so beautiful be so sad?
Jan Levinson: Did you take care of the situation?
Michael Scott: Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially...
Michael Scott: I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some...
Jan Levinson: Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that (snaps her fingers). They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael.
Jim Halpert: So you're not doing it.
Pam Beesly: How did you know?
Pam Beesly: Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons.
Pam Beesly: Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway.
Jim Halpert: Roy said that.
Pam Beesly: What? You have something you want to say?
Jim Halpert: You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?
Pam Beesly: Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices!
Michael Scott: Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring.
Michael Scott: And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed.
Michael Scott: There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here.
Michael Scott: Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? (classical piano playing) (violin playing)
Pam Beesly: How about that one?
Michael Scott: No, no. (blues piano playing)
Jim Halpert: Oh, that one was good.
Michael Scott: Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, "I am so lame." Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... (imitating jackhammer) You know what I'm talking about?
Jim Halpert: Do you mean vibrate?
Roy Anderson: Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!
Michael Scott: What are you guys talking about?
Dwight & Roy: (at the same time) Guns.
Roy Anderson: How's that union stuff coming?
Michael Scott: Working on it.
Michael Scott: All right.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 15 season 2. Boys and Girls is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.