Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Boys and Girls

Vol. 2 · Issue 15Scranton, PA

Jan is just trying to have a professional seminar for the women, but Michael decides the guys need their own session in the warehouse. You'll find every line from the episode right here, covering everything from union threats to Pam’s terrace dreams. It's the full script where Michael tries to be "collar-blind" and ends up breaking Darryl's window.

Scene 01

1 line
Jan Levinson
So, I'm happy to be here. It's very nice to see all of you. You're all looking well.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times.

Scene 03

17 lines
Jan Levinson
Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So...
Michael Scott
(knocks) Hey, what's going on?
Jan Levinson
Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here.
Michael Scott
Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.
Jan Levinson
What are you doing?
Michael Scott
Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads...
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason.
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
They did this up in Albany...
Jan Levinson
You are not allowed in this session.
Michael Scott
And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so...
Jan Levinson
Now you're really not allowed in this session.
Michael Scott
Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like...
Jan Levinson
I'm your boss.
Michael Scott
(stands up) Anybody want any coffee or...
Jan Levinson
We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please.

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
Women in the workplace... yeah, translation "I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls." Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh!

Scene 05

5 lines
Jan Levinson
Ladies, I am so, so sorry. Can we start again? We were on such a roll. I... I... really apologize.
Pam Beesly
Jan.
Jan Levinson
Yes, Pam?
Pam Beesly
Michael's still at the door.
Jan Levinson
Michael!

Scene 06

1 line
Jan Levinson
(in the background) So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. They're called... anyone?

Scene 07

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
It's a terrible idea.
Jim Halpert
What is?
Dwight Schrute
Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this!

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
(in the background) Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap.

Scene 10

12 lines
Michael Scott
Let's just clap. Ready? (clapping) Yeah! Yeah!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
That's what I'm talking about!
Jan Levinson
I don't know what you're doing here, Michael,
Michael Scott
Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing.
Jan Levinson
... but it's very destructive.
Michael Scott
Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?
Jan Levinson
Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?
Michael Scott
We have nowhere else Jan. This...
Dwight Schrute
We could do it in the warehouse.
Jan Levinson
Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse.
Michael Scott
OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months.

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Remember on Lost when they met the Others?

Scene 13

3 lines
Jan Levinson
I'm so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes then?
Pam Beesly
Mmmhmm.
Jan Levinson
Please? Thank you. very much.

Scene 14

10 lines
Michael Scott
So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?
Darryl Philbin
My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time.
Michael Scott
You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing.
Roy Anderson
Why?
Michael Scott
Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy...
Roy Anderson
I don't understand.
Michael Scott
Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing.
Kevin Malone
(talking to Jim) I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim Halpert
Thanks for the head's up, Kev.
Kevin Malone
I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
(points at math equasion on chalkboard) Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little "Good Will Hunting" situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Scene 16

9 lines
Jan Levinson
Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking.
Meredith Palmer
Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations.
Jan Levinson
Great. Phyllis?
Phyllis Vance
I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that.
Angela Martin
(disbelieving) Really?
Phyllis Vance
I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that...
Jan Levinson
No. Okay. Stop. Go on...
Angela Martin
I've seen some of your spreadsheets.
Phyllis Vance
Really? I thought they were pretty...

Scene 17

1 line
Pam Beesly
I don't know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is...

Scene 18

12 lines
Roy Anderson
Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam.
Jim Halpert
Oh, no, no. No.
Roy Anderson
No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely.
Roy Anderson
You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. I like talking to her too.
Roy Anderson
So, we're cool, right?
Jim Halpert
Yes. Yeah.
Roy Anderson
All right.
Jim Halpert
Yep. Cool, man.
Roy Anderson
Sweet.
Kevin Malone
(blows a sigh of relief)

Scene 19

4 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today.
Michael Scott
Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there.
Darryl Philbin
The experience...
Michael Scott
Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?

Scene 20

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Let's go. Step up.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
Check this out! Look at that! Look at that (squeezes blow-up doll) bwup-bwa! (talks in girly voice) Hello! How are... (regular voice) Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff.

Scene 22

7 lines
Meredith Palmer
In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober.
Jan Levinson
That is an excellent goal.
Meredith Palmer
Four and a half.
Kelly Kapoor
I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.
Jan Levinson
Great! Uh-huh?
Kelly Kapoor
I want an SUV... with three rows of seats.
Women
(general murmuring of agreement)

Scene 23

1 line
Jan Levinson
Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals of these women seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts. Women who could be a valuable addition to our Corporate life.

Scene 24

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation.
Jim Halpert
Ponies.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Ryan Howard
How about rainbows?
Dwight Schrute
No.
Jim Halpert
Flowers.

Scene 25

11 lines
Darryl Philbin
It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this.
Michael Scott
Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself.
Darryl Philbin
Mike.
Michael Scott
Stand clear.
Darryl Philbin
Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now.
Michael Scott
I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Darryl Philbin
Look, would ya... look.
Michael Scott
Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up.
Darryl Philbin
We're the ones that got to clean that up!
Lonny
Dammit, Michael!
Michael Scott
We ought to have this thing serviced.

Scene 26

5 lines
Michael Scott
So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so...
Madge
Hey, do you want me to go?
Michael Scott
No, why? Why would I... ? You could...
Madge
I'll go.
Michael Scott
Stay or...

Scene 27

12 lines
Phyllis Vance
...and a big walk-in closet.
Meredith Palmer
Oh, that's part of my dream too.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, me too.
Jan Levinson
Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream?
Pam Beesly
Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way.
Phyllis Vance
She's real good.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.
Jan Levinson
You know the company is offering a design training program in New York.
Pam Beesly
Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off...
Jan Levinson
Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out.
Pam Beesly
Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um...
Jan Levinson
There are always a million reasons not to do something.

Scene 28

13 lines
Michael Scott
Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know?
Darryl Philbin
My priority is safety.
Michael Scott
OK.
Darryl Philbin
So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin.
Michael Scott
OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh...
Darryl Philbin
Uh uh uh. Don't shush me.
Michael Scott
I... That was just...
Darryl Philbin
That bothers me too.
Michael Scott
I was breathing.
Roy Anderson
Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.
Michael Scott
I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men.
Lonny
You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us?
Michael Scott
OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it.

Scene 29

1 line
Jan Levinson
All right. Let's talk about clothing.

Scene 30

1 line
Phyllis Vance
I'm excited about today. (whispers) I love girl talk.

Scene 31

1 line
Jan Levinson
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. All right. You can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be.

Scene 32

1 line
Angela Martin
I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman. The head of accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.

Scene 33

41 lines
Roy Anderson
I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like "When are we going to go on a date-date?"
Guy
I hate that too! (general clapping and agreement)
Darryl Philbin
I hate that too.
Kevin Malone
That sucks so much.
Guy
It totally sucks.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like "Gas ain't free!"
Lonny
Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires.
Michael Scott
I feel you.
Darryl Philbin
No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what?
Dwight Schrute
Not literally.
Darryl Philbin
You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Darryl Philbin
We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder
Michael Scott
Ah, you do. So...
Darryl Philbin
But we get paid a lot less.
Dwight Schrute
Word.
Roy Anderson
Like next to no benefits.
Michael Scott
I know. God! What is that?
Roy Anderson
Exactly.
Michael Scott
It blows. It blows, man. Gah...
Darryl Philbin
You know this would not happen if we had a union.
Roy Anderson
That's what I'm talking about.
Michael Scott
No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah.
Roy Anderson
Absolutely.
Darryl Philbin
That's what we need.
Guy
You know you're right.
Darryl Philbin
Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally.
Michael Scott
You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys.
Darryl Philbin
It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union?
Roy Anderson
In my truck.
Michael Scott
Dockworker's?
Darryl Philbin
Man, hook you up.
Men
(generalized clapping)
Guy
Come on, man.
Michael Scott
Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks.
Darryl Philbin
Union! Union, yeah.
Michael Scott
The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them.
Darryl Philbin
Are you with us Mike?
Michael Scott
Yeah-es.
Darryl Philbin
Welcome to the warehouse.
Group chant
Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi...

Scene 34

5 lines
Jan Levinson
Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before...
Michael Scott
(knocks) This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points...
Jan Levinson
What? A union! What...
Michael Scott
Don't get hysterical.
Jan Levinson
I'm not...

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.

Scene 36

17 lines
Michael Scott
Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons?
Jan Levinson
The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here?
Michael Scott
Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you.
Jan Levinson
You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out.
Michael Scott
But we're bonding down there!
Jan Levinson
That's too bad.
Michael Scott
I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear.
Jan Levinson
I don't want to...
Michael Scott
Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through...
Jan Levinson
Michael! Michael! Michael!
Michael Scott
We have a history...
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
...between us.
Jan Levinson
Don't say another word.
Michael Scott
I won't
Jan Levinson
Get yourself down stairs.
Michael Scott
I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever.

Scene 37

2 lines
Ryan Howard
You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line.
Stanley Hudson
This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs.

Scene 38

8 lines
Jan Levinson
Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means...
Phyllis Vance
Mistake.
Meredith Palmer
Slip.
Jan Levinson
Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense.
Kelly Kapoor
What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal?
Jan Levinson
Excuse me?
Kelly Kapoor
I mean that's a baseball term, right?
Jan Levinson
I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.

Scene 39

18 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(in the background) ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you.
Jan Levinson
(in the background) Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about.
Kelly Kapoor
(in the background) He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term...
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey!
Pam Beesly
How's it going down there?
Jim Halpert
It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls?
Pam Beesly
Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies.
Jim Halpert
Did you really?
Pam Beesly
No. (laughs)
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Pam Beesly
Almost.
Jim Halpert
Good.
Pam Beesly
Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great.
Jim Halpert
Nice. Well, what's it all about?
Pam Beesly
Um...
Jim Halpert
I think you should do it. That's great!
Pam Beesly
It's really cool.

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this?

Scene 41

10 lines
Angela Martin
Are you married?
Jan Levinson
I'm divorced.
Phyllis Vance
That must have been hard.
Jan Levinson
It was. Yes.
Kelly Kapoor
You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael.
Jan Levinson
I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff.
Phyllis Vance
Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck.
Angela Martin
At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God.
Jan Levinson
Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five.
Kelly Kapoor
How can someone so beautiful be so sad?

Scene 42

6 lines
Michael Scott
Hi.
Jan Levinson
Did you take care of the situation?
Michael Scott
Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially...
Jan Levinson
Excuse me.
Michael Scott
I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some...
Jan Levinson
Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that (snaps her fingers). They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael.

Scene 43

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice but... um... I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me.

Scene 44

12 lines
Jim Halpert
So you're not doing it.
Pam Beesly
How did you know?
Jim Halpert
Why not?
Pam Beesly
Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons.
Jim Halpert
Come on.
Pam Beesly
Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway.
Jim Halpert
Roy said that.
Pam Beesly
What? You have something you want to say?
Jim Halpert
You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?
Pam Beesly
Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices!
Jim Halpert
You are?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.

Scene 45

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's impractical. I'm not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they don't even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I'm never going to... .

Scene 46

3 lines
Michael Scott
I'm just going to put this over there.
Darryl Philbin
This is not a good idea right here.
Michael Scott
You did uh... okay.

Scene 47

1 line
Michael Scott
Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?

Scene 48

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch.
All the Men
Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah.
Michael Scott
Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship.

Scene 49

2 lines
Michael Scott
Thank you to our hosts.
Darryl Philbin
Hey Michael. This ain't over.

Scene 50

1 line
Michael Scott
Ahhh! Excellent.

Scene 51

1 line
Michael Scott
Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting.

Scene 52

13 lines
Michael Scott
Oh! I don't know, Pam. I paid $400 for this phone because I liked the ring.
Pam Beesly
You did?
Michael Scott
And now, I realize that you can program or download any ring you want. So, I'm a little overwhelmed.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
There's a lot of choices. You got to help me here.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Michael Scott
Which one of these is coolest? What do you think? (classical piano playing) (violin playing)
Pam Beesly
How about that one?
Michael Scott
No, no. (blues piano playing)
Jim Halpert
Oh, that one was good.
Michael Scott
Dude, are you kidding me? No. That one says, "I am so lame." Know which one I want? There's one that sounds like a jackhammer. Just really grabs your attention. It's like... (imitating jackhammer) You know what I'm talking about?
Jim Halpert
Do you mean vibrate?
Michael Scott
Yes.

Scene 53

13 lines
Roy Anderson
Bushmaster's hard to beat for long distance. It's a great point.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. I got a spudgun in my car.
Roy Anderson
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah. Shoot a chuck of potato at your face, 80 PSI, bon appetit!
Michael Scott
What are you guys talking about?
Dwight & Roy
(at the same time) Guns.
Michael Scott
Cool.
Roy Anderson
How's that union stuff coming?
Michael Scott
Working on it.
Roy Anderson
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Yup.
Roy Anderson
Okay.
Michael Scott
All right.

Scene 54

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Guys! Check it out! Spudgun! Woohoo! Bon appetit! (Darryl's office window shatters) Sorry.
Darryl Philbin
That's my office.

Scene 55

1 line
Dwight Schrute
There was this film that I saw when I was little. It was about a kid who goes on the most incredible adventure. And even though it was really great, and she had a great time, she ends up back home in Kansas and says, "There's no place like home." And that's how I feel right now. There is no place like home. What the hell was that movie called? (sighs) It's gonna drive me crazy.