Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Valentine's Day

Vol. 2 · Issue 16Scranton, PA

Michael heads to New York to meet the new CFO and accidentally lets a big secret slip about him and Jan. Back in Scranton, you can follow along with every line as Phyllis gets showered in gifts while Pam waits for Roy to finally step up. This is the full script and all the best quotes from this classic trip to the big city.

Scene 01

1 line
Pam Beesly
I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and...

Scene 02

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(Delivery man enters with a bouquet of red roses. Pam stands up to look at card.) Phyllis.
Delivery man
Would you sign here? (Phyllis gets up from desk and walks over.)

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big.

Scene 04

3 lines
Meredith Palmer
"Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration."
Phyllis Vance
Isn't he sweet?
Meredith Palmer
Yeah. Wow.

Scene 05

11 lines
Michael Scott
Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. (Dwight holds up passport.) Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO.
Dwight Schrute
And you want me to come with you.
Michael Scott
Nope. The opposite of that.
Dwight Schrute
I will stay here and run things on this end.
Michael Scott
Ok, good.
Dwight Schrute
Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?
Michael Scott
I probably will, why do you ask?
Dwight Schrute
Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know...
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Screwed.
Michael Scott
What is your problem?

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love.

Scene 07

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything?
Pam Beesly
That's OK.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Oscar Martinez
The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO.
Michael Scott
Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya!

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.

Scene 09

1 line
Jim Halpert
So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great.

Scene 10

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
What's this? What is this?
Jim Halpert
I dunno, it's on your desk.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?
Jim Halpert
It was there when I sat down.
Dwight Schrute
(opens box and reads card) Happy Valentine's Day. (pulls out bobble head) It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! (Angela smirks in background) Ahh!

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. (Michael walks toward Sbarro.)

Scene 12

13 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey Kelly. What's up?
Kelly Kapoor
Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome.
Jim Halpert
OH, that's great. I'm really happy for (starts to walk away)
Kelly Kapoor
And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like "Ryan, what's taking you so long?" And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Kelly Kapoor
So I said, "Ryan, what took you so long?" And I just said that to him, can you believe that?
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed.
Jim Halpert
No, don't be.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe.
Jim Halpert
I bet.
Kelly Kapoor
So nervous, but now -- now I have a boyfriend.
Jim Halpert
Alright. (Kelly squeals)

Scene 13

1 line
Ryan Howard
(anguished) I hooked up with her on February 13th.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. (points) We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here.

Scene 15

4 lines
Kevin Malone
Woah. (Delivery man with flowers)
Pam Beesly
Guess what?
Phyllis Vance
Really, Oh, they're from Bob again.
Pam Beesly
That's great. (Meredith scowls)

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to (turns and rushes back up stairs) Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey (points). That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? (walks over) OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were (Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael), OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. (to camera) Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh.

Scene 18

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten.
Angela Martin
Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Dwight Schrute
Oh I did. I did.
Angela Martin
I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, I bet you will before the day is over.
Angela Martin
Really? Well, I hope I do.

Scene 19

1 line
Michael Scott
I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. (Michael sees it's the end of a street.) OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it.

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye.

Scene 21

7 lines
Kevin Malone
Woah, woah (Delivery man with oversized bear)
Delivery man
Phyllis Lapin.
Pam Beesly
OH, Holy God!
Delivery man
It's from Bob.
Kevin Malone
Man, that thing's bigger than I am.
Delivery man
No, it's not.
Kevin Malone
Oh zip it.

Scene 22

12 lines
Michael Scott
There they are. What's up? Hey hey.
Craig
Hey.
Josh
Michael Scott. (sticks out hand for handshake)
Michael Scott
Josh Porter, high five. (They high five) Bam.
Josh
You know Dan Gore from Buffalo.
Michael Scott
Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. (bump fists)
Craig
What's up buddy?
Michael Scott
You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?
Craig
Guilty, yeah.
Michael Scott
So what's going on? What I miss?
Josh
Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations.
Michael Scott
Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... (awkward silence)

Scene 23

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately?
Pam Beesly
You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here.
Dwight Schrute
No, Pam, Just. Just, (tilts head away, towards another room)

Scene 24

10 lines
Pam Beesly
You need to get something for your girlfriend.
Dwight Schrute
(same time as Pam) Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of...
Pam Beesly
Tightly wound?
Dwight Schrute
(smirking) Exactly.
Pam Beesly
Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight Schrute
You mean, like a ham?
Pam Beesly
No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, I get it.
Pam Beesly
That you remember her.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. (gets up and leaves)

Scene 25

13 lines
Josh
What about you, Craig, you lose anyone?
Craig
Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said "You gotta fire four people," and I was just like, "What?" Ya know?
Josh
Did you?
Craig
No, I just ignored her. She's the worse.
Josh
She is our boss.
Craig
She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch.
Michael Scott
Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it.
Craig
What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan?
Michael Scott
Maybe because she's my girlfriend. (starts retracting statement) Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and...
Josh
You hooked up with Jan?
Michael Scott
You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it,
Josh
Yeah, let's change the subject.
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah.

Scene 26

9 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever.
Jim Halpert
Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... (Ryan walks in)
Ryan Howard
Soda.
Kelly Kapoor
(to Ryan) Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or...
Jim Halpert
(under breath) Oh, no, not while I'm here.
Kelly Kapoor
I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So...
Ryan Howard
I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends.
Kelly Kapoor
OK, That's cool. I completely understand.
Ryan Howard
Cool. Cool. OK.

Scene 27

8 lines
Jan Levinson
Josh Porter, Stamford.
David Wallace
David (to Josh and shakes hands)
Josh
Nice to meet you.
Jan Levinson
And Michael Scott, Scranton.
David Wallace
Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott
Ditto. (to Jan) How are you Jan?
Jan Levinson
Fine Michael. Thank you.
David Wallace
OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to...

Scene 28

1 line
Jan Levinson
Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous.

Scene 29

6 lines
Josh
So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets.
David Wallace
Thanks very much.
Josh
Thank you.
David Wallace
OK, Michael.
Michael Scott
What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. (plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.)
Michael Scott
(video dialogue for "The Faces of Scranton") Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. (video shows Stanley at desk) This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about.

Scene 31

2 lines
Michael Scott
(video dialogue) And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. (video says, "Great Scott!")
Michael Scott
Questions?

Scene 32

4 lines
David Wallace
Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great.
Michael Scott
Yes, thank you.
David Wallace
But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well?
Michael Scott
Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... (hands over report)

Scene 33

7 lines
Delivery man
(with flowers) Can you sign?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
(delivering plant to Oscar's desk) Oscar.
Angela Martin
Nothing for me?
Pam Beesly
(walks away) Join the club.
Kevin Malone
Whose it from? (to Oscar)
Oscar Martinez
My mom. (puts card in pocket)

Scene 34

5 lines
Kelly Kapoor
It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together.
Jim Halpert
You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, it would be so great if he was.
Jim Halpert
Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight.
Kelly Kapoor
Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? (Jim leaves)

Scene 35

11 lines
Dan
And that about does it, thank you.
Jan Levinson
OK. (looks toward Craig) Craig,
Craig
Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot.
Jan Levinson
Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant?
Craig
I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal.
David Wallace
So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch?
Craig
That is correct, yes.
Jan Levinson
Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken?
Craig
Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Jan Levinson
Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch.
Craig
Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. (David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.)

Scene 36

9 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, ok. Alright.
Jan Levinson
NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired.
Michael Scott
No you're not.
Jan Levinson
Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just (scratches head) can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together.
Michael Scott
Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So...
Jan Levinson
Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand?
Michael Scott
Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David.
Jan Levinson
Surely, you cannot be serious?
Michael Scott
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane.

Scene 37

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Scene 38

9 lines
Roy Anderson
Hey babe.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Roy Anderson
You almost ready to go?
Pam Beesly
I guess, yeah.
Roy Anderson
What's wrong?
Pam Beesly
Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her.
Roy Anderson
What, you're mad at me?
Pam Beesly
I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day.
Roy Anderson
Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life.

Scene 39

8 lines
David Wallace
You understand this is a very serious situation.
Michael Scott
No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. (Jan looks at Michael)
David Wallace
You made a joke?
Michael Scott
I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. (David grins)
David Wallace
Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss...
Michael Scott
I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again.
Jan Levinson
Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it.
David Wallace
Good. (Michael leaves office)

Scene 40

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Heading out?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.
Pam Beesly
Bye. (Jim leaves)
Phyllis Vance
Goodnight Pam. (Leaves with oversized bear on back.)
Pam Beesly
Night Phyllis.

Scene 41

5 lines
Jan Levinson
Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice.
Michael Scott
Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again.
Jan Levinson
Oh, no, it's OK. (Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.) So, uh, Happy valentine's Day.
Michael Scott
Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. (Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.)
Jan Levinson
Oh.

Scene 42

1 line
Michael Scott
Oy vey... schmear. (Points at Fiddler on the Roof playing at Minskoff Theatre and does a dance.)