Every line from The Office episode "Valentine's Day", season 2 episode 16.
Michael Scott: Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. (Dwight holds up passport.) Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO.
Dwight Schrute: And you want me to come with you.
Michael Scott: Nope. The opposite of that.
Dwight Schrute: I will stay here and run things on this end.
Dwight Schrute: Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?
Michael Scott: I probably will, why do you ask?
Dwight Schrute: Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know...
Michael Scott: What is your problem?
Michael Scott: Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything?
Oscar Martinez: The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO.
Michael Scott: Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya!
Dwight Schrute: What's this? What is this?
Jim Halpert: I dunno, it's on your desk.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?
Jim Halpert: It was there when I sat down.
Dwight Schrute: (opens box and reads card) Happy Valentine's Day. (pulls out bobble head) It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! (Angela smirks in background) Ahh!
Jim Halpert: Hey Kelly. What's up?
Kelly Kapoor: Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome.
Jim Halpert: OH, that's great. I'm really happy for (starts to walk away)
Kelly Kapoor: And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like "Ryan, what's taking you so long?" And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say.
Kelly Kapoor: So I said, "Ryan, what took you so long?" And I just said that to him, can you believe that?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed.
Jim Halpert: No, don't be.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe.
Kelly Kapoor: So nervous, but now -- now I have a boyfriend.
Jim Halpert: Alright. (Kelly squeals)
Michael Scott: Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. (points) We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here.
Michael Scott: This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey (points). That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? (walks over) OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were (Conan O'Brien walks in front of Michael), OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. (to camera) Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh.
Dwight Schrute: Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten.
Angela Martin: Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Dwight Schrute: Oh I did. I did.
Angela Martin: I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, I bet you will before the day is over.
Angela Martin: Really? Well, I hope I do.
Michael Scott: I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. (Michael sees it's the end of a street.) OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it.
Kevin Malone: Woah, woah (Delivery man with oversized bear)
Delivery man: Phyllis Lapin.
Pam Beesly: OH, Holy God!
Delivery man: It's from Bob.
Kevin Malone: Man, that thing's bigger than I am.
Delivery man: No, it's not.
Michael Scott: There they are. What's up? Hey hey.
Josh: Michael Scott. (sticks out hand for handshake)
Michael Scott: Josh Porter, high five. (They high five) Bam.
Josh: You know Dan Gore from Buffalo.
Michael Scott: Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. (bump fists)
Michael Scott: You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true?
Michael Scott: So what's going on? What I miss?
Josh: Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations.
Michael Scott: Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... (awkward silence)
Dwight Schrute: Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately?
Pam Beesly: You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here.
Dwight Schrute: No, Pam, Just. Just, (tilts head away, towards another room)
Pam Beesly: You need to get something for your girlfriend.
Dwight Schrute: (same time as Pam) Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of...
Pam Beesly: Tightly wound?
Dwight Schrute: (smirking) Exactly.
Pam Beesly: Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is.
Dwight Schrute: You mean, like a ham?
Pam Beesly: No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I get it.
Pam Beesly: That you remember her.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. (gets up and leaves)
Josh: What about you, Craig, you lose anyone?
Craig: Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said "You gotta fire four people," and I was just like, "What?" Ya know?
Craig: No, I just ignored her. She's the worse.
Craig: She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch.
Michael Scott: Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it.
Craig: What? You like Jan? How can you like Jan?
Michael Scott: Maybe because she's my girlfriend. (starts retracting statement) Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and...
Josh: You hooked up with Jan?
Michael Scott: You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it,
Josh: Yeah, let's change the subject.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah.
Kelly Kapoor: I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever.
Jim Halpert: Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... (Ryan walks in)
Kelly Kapoor: (to Ryan) Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or...
Jim Halpert: (under breath) Oh, no, not while I'm here.
Kelly Kapoor: I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So...
Ryan Howard: I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends.
Kelly Kapoor: OK, That's cool. I completely understand.
Ryan Howard: Cool. Cool. OK.
Jan Levinson: Josh Porter, Stamford.
David Wallace: David (to Josh and shakes hands)
Jan Levinson: And Michael Scott, Scranton.
David Wallace: Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Ditto. (to Jan) How are you Jan?
Jan Levinson: Fine Michael. Thank you.
David Wallace: OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to...
Jan Levinson: Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous.
Josh: So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets.
David Wallace: Thanks very much.
David Wallace: OK, Michael.
Michael Scott: What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. (plays video on screen. David and Jan have confused looks on their faces.)
Michael Scott: (video dialogue for "The Faces of Scranton") Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. (video shows Stanley at desk) This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on.
Michael Scott: (video dialogue) And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. (video says, "Great Scott!")
Michael Scott: Questions?
David Wallace: Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great.
Michael Scott: Yes, thank you.
David Wallace: But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well?
Michael Scott: Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... (hands over report)
Delivery man: (with flowers) Can you sign?
Pam Beesly: (delivering plant to Oscar's desk) Oscar.
Angela Martin: Nothing for me?
Pam Beesly: (walks away) Join the club.
Kevin Malone: Whose it from? (to Oscar)
Oscar Martinez: My mom. (puts card in pocket)
Kelly Kapoor: It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together.
Jim Halpert: You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, it would be so great if he was.
Jim Halpert: Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? (Jim leaves)
Dan: And that about does it, thank you.
Jan Levinson: OK. (looks toward Craig) Craig,
Craig: Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot.
Jan Levinson: Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant?
Craig: I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal.
David Wallace: So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch?
Craig: That is correct, yes.
Jan Levinson: Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken?
Craig: Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Jan Levinson: Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch.
Craig: Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. (David looks at Jan, who glares at Michael.)
Michael Scott: Oh, ok. Alright.
Jan Levinson: NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired.
Michael Scott: No you're not.
Jan Levinson: Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just (scratches head) can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together.
Michael Scott: Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So...
Jan Levinson: Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David.
Jan Levinson: Surely, you cannot be serious?
Michael Scott: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane.
Roy Anderson: You almost ready to go?
Pam Beesly: I guess, yeah.
Roy Anderson: What's wrong?
Pam Beesly: Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her.
Roy Anderson: What, you're mad at me?
Pam Beesly: I mean, I know that we said no big gifts, but I was kind of hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day.
Roy Anderson: Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of you life.
David Wallace: You understand this is a very serious situation.
Michael Scott: No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. (Jan looks at Michael)
David Wallace: You made a joke?
Michael Scott: I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. (David grins)
David Wallace: Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss...
Michael Scott: I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again.
Jan Levinson: Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it.
David Wallace: Good. (Michael leaves office)
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.
Pam Beesly: Bye. (Jim leaves)
Phyllis Vance: Goodnight Pam. (Leaves with oversized bear on back.)
Pam Beesly: Night Phyllis.
Jan Levinson: Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice.
Michael Scott: Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again.
Jan Levinson: Oh, no, it's OK. (Puts hand in way of elevator door to stop from closing.) So, uh, Happy valentine's Day.
Michael Scott: Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. (Jan turns and then kisses Michael. Michael looks and sees camera, Jan turns and sees camera, too. Elevator door closes.)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 16 season 2. Valentine's Day is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.