Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Dwight's Speech

Vol. 2 · Issue 17Scranton, PA

Check out every single line from the episode where Jim gives Dwight some very intense public speaking tips. You'll find the full script right here, covering everything from Michael’s failed jokes to Dwight's terrifyingly successful Mussolini-style rant. It's the best way to grab all the top quotes from the Salesman of the Year convention.

Scene 01

17 lines
Michael Scott
Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then...
Dwight Schrute
They are either going to say yes... or no.
Michael Scott
Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say.
Dwight Schrute
Think it through.
Michael Scott
Have to think it through. Because if they say no...
Jim Halpert
Can we not?
Michael Scott
No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. (Michael starts playing with a football in the office) Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! (laughs) Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted.
Jim Halpert
Still want that.
Michael Scott
Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.
Creed Bratton
Ryan!
Dwight Schrute
Fumble! Yaaah!
Michael Scott
Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Michael Scott
You all right Ryan?
Dwight Schrute
Ryan.
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Pam!

Scene 02

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread?
Jim Halpert
Cugino's pizza.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?

Scene 03

1 line
Jim Halpert
Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so...

Scene 04

9 lines
Jim Halpert
What did I do to deserve this?
Pam Beesly
Are you sad that Dwight beat you?
Jim Halpert
No.
Pam Beesly
Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?
Phyllis Vance
Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?
Pam Beesly
Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later.
Phyllis Vance
Oh.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later.
Pam Beesly
Ok, cool.

Scene 05

1 line
Pam Beesly
I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone.

Scene 06

5 lines
Michael Scott
That's what she said!
Dwight Schrute
Ha! I don't get it.
Michael Scott
Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Dwight Schrute
Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right?
Michael Scott
Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year.

Scene 08

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, "Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very..."
Michael Scott
That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'.

Scene 10

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
I can't do this.
Michael Scott
That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, okay.
Michael Scott
But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked.
Michael Scott
Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
Dwight Schrute
I'll try and think of one. When...
Michael Scott
Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight Schrute
Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Michael Scott
Insult.

Scene 11

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my...
Jim Halpert
Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?

Scene 12

1 line
Jim Halpert
I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um...

Scene 14

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care.

Scene 15

9 lines
Michael Scott
(stand up comic voice) But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight Schrute
Saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael Scott
It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class.
Dwight Schrute
But I'm right?
Michael Scott
Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? (stand up comic voice) The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs!
Dwight Schrute
Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?
Michael Scott
I do. Both of them.
Dwight Schrute
Could I have a copy of one of them?
Michael Scott
No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this.

Scene 16

4 lines
Michael Scott
Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
(generalized clapping and cheering) Congratulations.
Phyllis Vance
Unbelievable.

Scene 17

3 lines
Michael Scott
You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.
Dwight Schrute
That is so great about the bonus!
Michael Scott
No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience.

Scene 18

19 lines
Stanley Hudson
Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she...
Phyllis Vance
It's unbelievable!
Dwight Schrute
Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam Beesly
Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight Schrute
Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Stanley Hudson
Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight Schrute
They are unrelated.
Kelly Kapoor
Is Brad okay?
Dwight Schrute
He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar Martinez
What the hell is going on here?
Angela Martin
Are we out of jobs?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Kelly Kapoor
This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
Michael Scott
He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible.
Stanley Hudson
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Stanley Hudson
You said we were getting bonuses.
Michael Scott
All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
Stanley Hudson
Cancel wallpaper.

Scene 19

21 lines
Michael Scott
As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. (speaking to camera) You saw the plaque, right? (to office) All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.
Pam Beesly
You mean Toastmasters?
Michael Scott
Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding?
Jim Halpert
Can I go?
Michael Scott
Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
Jim Halpert
So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?
Kevin Malone
You should go to Hedonism.
Jim Halpert
What is that?
Kevin Malone
It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.
Jim Halpert
I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice.
Toby Flenderson
Been to Amsterdam.
Michael Scott
Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up.
Toby Flenderson
(mimes lifting a glass) To Amsterdam.
Jim Halpert
When did you go there?
Toby Flenderson
Umm... After my divorce. Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Really for like how long?
Toby Flenderson
Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't...
Creed Bratton
Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me.
Jim Halpert
Where do I want to go?
Creed Bratton
I'd send you to Hong Kong.

Scene 20

1 line
Creed Bratton
Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. (speaks in Chinese)

Scene 21

7 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today.
Dwight Schrute
Good morning, Vietnam! (general groaning) Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.
Jim Halpert
No. We're not.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager.
Jim Halpert
Which means absolutely nothing.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, can you explain?
Michael Scott
Well, it's mostly made up. So...

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing.

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
Confidence, Dwight.

Scene 24

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?
Dwight Schrute
I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip.
Dwight Schrute
Oh please! You're not taking any trip.
Jim Halpert
You know I majored in Public Speaking in College.
Dwight Schrute
You did?
Jim Halpert
Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. I am.
Jim Halpert
The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did.
Dwight Schrute
Which is?
Jim Halpert
You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point.

Scene 25

1 line
Jim Halpert
Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one (holds up paper). Originally given by Benito Mussolini.

Scene 26

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Ok, look. I know you are giving this speech on your own but I wrote up a few talking points for you to take a look at. I hope you don't mind.
Dwight Schrute
I'll glance at it.

Scene 27

3 lines
Michael Scott
It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.
Angela Martin
The very best of luck to you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Angela.

Scene 28

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception?
Pam Beesly
Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think.
Ryan Howard
You're inviting Jim?
Pam Beesly
Of course. He's one of my closest friends.

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right.

Scene 30

1 line
Overhead
(song) You all ready for this?

Scene 31

3 lines
Angela Martin
(coughs) (sniffles) I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest.
Kevin Malone
I've never, ever seen you take a sick day.
Angela Martin
Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.

Scene 32

8 lines
Speaker
Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute!
Crowd
(polite clapping)
Michael Scott
Dwight, they called your name.
Speaker
Dwight, how we doing?
Dwight Schrute
No, I can't... I ca...
Michael Scott
All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. (shouts) All right!
Crowd
(claps)
Michael Scott
Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

Scene 33

1 line
Kevin Malone
I always set it at 69. (snickers)

Scene 34

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date.
Kelly Kapoor
But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?
Ryan Howard
Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh.
Pam Beesly
Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just...
Ryan Howard
I know what I said.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. (makes robot sounds) Michael Winslow, anyone?

Scene 36

10 lines
Michael Scott
Car starting. (makes car sounds) All right, Dwight Schrute everyone.
Crowd
(clapping)
Michael Scott
Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
Dwight Schrute
(bangs fists) Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. (waves arm) how long we have been striving for greatness? (bangs fist) Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle (waves arms). A never-ending fight. I say to you (hits podium) and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight!
Crowd
(clapping)
Dwight Schrute
WE ARE WARRIORS!
Crowd
(clapping and cheering)
Dwight Schrute
Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!
Crowd
(clapping and cheering)
Dwight Schrute
(laughs maniacally) Yeah. Yes!

Scene 37

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
I've got a time share in Key West that might be available.
Jim Halpert
Maybe. Thanks.
Ryan Howard
You really think you're going to go?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. I'm definitely going.
Ryan Howard
Nice. Send me a postcard.

Scene 38

1 line
Ryan Howard
Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia.

Scene 39

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. (bangs fists)
Crowd
(claps)
Dwight Schrute
Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is...
Crowd
(shouts) Together that we prevail! (cheering and clapping)

Scene 40

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Australia? I have always wanted to go there?
Jim Halpert
I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.
Pam Beesly
That's awesome. Where are you staying?
Jim Halpert
I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but...
Pam Beesly
When are you leaving?
Jim Halpert
I'm... leaving on June 8th.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just...
Pam Beesly
Oh yeah. That's too bad.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?
Pam Beesly
It's ok. I got it.
Jim Halpert
Alright.

Scene 41

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ok, thanks. (to Michael) There you are. What happened?
Michael Scott
I got thirsty. How'd it go?
Dwight Schrute
It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.
Michael Scott
You would not believe what happened here.
Dwight Schrute
What? Something happened?
Michael Scott
Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.
Dwight Schrute
Weird.
Michael Scott
Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.'
Dwight Schrute
Con artist.
Michael Scott
She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?

Scene 42

1 line
Michael Scott
Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?