Every line from The Office episode "Dwight's Speech", season 2 episode 17.
Michael Scott: Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then...
Dwight Schrute: They are either going to say yes... or no.
Michael Scott: Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say.
Dwight Schrute: Think it through.
Michael Scott: Have to think it through. Because if they say no...
Michael Scott: No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. (Michael starts playing with a football in the office) Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! (laughs) Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted.
Jim Halpert: Still want that.
Michael Scott: Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me.
Dwight Schrute: Fumble! Yaaah!
Michael Scott: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Michael Scott: You all right Ryan?
Dwight Schrute: Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread?
Jim Halpert: Cugino's pizza.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs?
Jim Halpert: What did I do to deserve this?
Pam Beesly: Are you sad that Dwight beat you?
Pam Beesly: Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue?
Phyllis Vance: Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures?
Pam Beesly: Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later.
Michael Scott: That's what she said!
Dwight Schrute: Ha! I don't get it.
Michael Scott: Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon?
Dwight Schrute: Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right?
Michael Scott: Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life.
Dwight Schrute: What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, "Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very..."
Michael Scott: That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act.
Dwight Schrute: I can't do this.
Michael Scott: That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, okay.
Michael Scott: But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked.
Michael Scott: Well, if you have a question, you should ask me.
Dwight Schrute: I'll try and think of one. When...
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot.
Dwight Schrute: Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice?
Pam Beesly: Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my...
Jim Halpert: Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents?
Michael Scott: (stand up comic voice) But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Dwight Schrute: Saleswoman has a vagina.
Michael Scott: It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a Sex Ed class.
Dwight Schrute: But I'm right?
Michael Scott: Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? (stand up comic voice) The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs!
Dwight Schrute: Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave?
Michael Scott: I do. Both of them.
Dwight Schrute: Could I have a copy of one of them?
Michael Scott: No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this.
Michael Scott: You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them.
Dwight Schrute: That is so great about the bonus!
Michael Scott: No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience.
Stanley Hudson: Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she...
Phyllis Vance: It's unbelievable!
Dwight Schrute: Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured.
Pam Beesly: Do we know anyone who was in the accident?
Dwight Schrute: Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses.
Stanley Hudson: Why would this affect our bonuses?
Dwight Schrute: They are unrelated.
Kelly Kapoor: Is Brad okay?
Dwight Schrute: He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing.
Oscar Martinez: What the hell is going on here?
Angela Martin: Are we out of jobs?
Kelly Kapoor: This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston.
Michael Scott: He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible.
Stanley Hudson: You said we were getting bonuses.
Michael Scott: All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it.
Stanley Hudson: Cancel wallpaper.
Michael Scott: As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. (speaking to camera) You saw the plaque, right? (to office) All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking.
Pam Beesly: You mean Toastmasters?
Michael Scott: Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding?
Michael Scott: Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative.
Jim Halpert: So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions?
Kevin Malone: You should go to Hedonism.
Jim Halpert: What is that?
Kevin Malone: It's like Club Med, but everything is naked.
Jim Halpert: I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice.
Toby Flenderson: Been to Amsterdam.
Michael Scott: Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up.
Toby Flenderson: (mimes lifting a glass) To Amsterdam.
Jim Halpert: When did you go there?
Toby Flenderson: Umm... After my divorce. Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Really for like how long?
Toby Flenderson: Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't...
Creed Bratton: Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me.
Jim Halpert: Where do I want to go?
Creed Bratton: I'd send you to Hong Kong.
Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today.
Dwight Schrute: Good morning, Vietnam! (general groaning) Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates.
Jim Halpert: No. We're not.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager.
Jim Halpert: Which means absolutely nothing.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, can you explain?
Michael Scott: Well, it's mostly made up. So...
Jim Halpert: Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?
Dwight Schrute: I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip.
Dwight Schrute: Oh please! You're not taking any trip.
Jim Halpert: You know I majored in Public Speaking in College.
Jim Halpert: Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. I am.
Jim Halpert: The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did.
Dwight Schrute: Which is?
Jim Halpert: You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point.
Michael Scott: It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here.
Angela Martin: The very best of luck to you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you, Angela.
Kelly Kapoor: Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception?
Pam Beesly: Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think.
Ryan Howard: You're inviting Jim?
Pam Beesly: Of course. He's one of my closest friends.
Angela Martin: (coughs) (sniffles) I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest.
Kevin Malone: I've never, ever seen you take a sick day.
Angela Martin: Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us.
Speaker: Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute!
Michael Scott: Dwight, they called your name.
Speaker: Dwight, how we doing?
Dwight Schrute: No, I can't... I ca...
Michael Scott: All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. (shouts) All right!
Michael Scott: Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?
Pam Beesly: Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date.
Kelly Kapoor: But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married?
Ryan Howard: Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married.
Pam Beesly: Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just...
Ryan Howard: I know what I said.
Michael Scott: Car starting. (makes car sounds) All right, Dwight Schrute everyone.
Michael Scott: Good luck. That is a tough crowd.
Dwight Schrute: (bangs fists) Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. (waves arm) how long we have been striving for greatness? (bangs fist) Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle (waves arms). A never-ending fight. I say to you (hits podium) and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight!
Dwight Schrute: WE ARE WARRIORS!
Crowd: (clapping and cheering)
Dwight Schrute: Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour!
Crowd: (clapping and cheering)
Dwight Schrute: (laughs maniacally) Yeah. Yes!
Oscar Martinez: I've got a time share in Key West that might be available.
Jim Halpert: Maybe. Thanks.
Ryan Howard: You really think you're going to go?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I'm definitely going.
Ryan Howard: Nice. Send me a postcard.
Dwight Schrute: No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. (bangs fists)
Dwight Schrute: Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is...
Crowd: (shouts) Together that we prevail! (cheering and clapping)
Pam Beesly: Australia? I have always wanted to go there?
Jim Halpert: I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable.
Pam Beesly: That's awesome. Where are you staying?
Jim Halpert: I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but...
Pam Beesly: When are you leaving?
Jim Halpert: I'm... leaving on June 8th.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just...
Pam Beesly: Oh yeah. That's too bad.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out?
Pam Beesly: It's ok. I got it.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, thanks. (to Michael) There you are. What happened?
Michael Scott: I got thirsty. How'd it go?
Dwight Schrute: It was amazing. I wish you would have been there.
Michael Scott: You would not believe what happened here.
Dwight Schrute: What? Something happened?
Michael Scott: Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.'
Dwight Schrute: Con artist.
Michael Scott: She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 17 season 2. Dwight's Speech is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.