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Season 2 Episode 18
Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Every line from The Office episode "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", season 2 episode 18.

Pam Beesly: I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel.
Jim Halpert: Bribery. Nice.
Pam Beesly: Oh, I have more. (Holds up bags of candy)
Michael Scott: Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---
Pam Beesly: Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. (whispering) 'Cause of the... (points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign)
Michael Scott: ... Oh, God is that today?
Pam Beesly: I reminded you last night.
Michael Scott: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in "Raw," and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in "Daddy Daycare." both great movies, but, still.
Michael Scott: Well, I'll be in my office.
Pam Beesly: Don't you think you should say something?
Michael Scott: They're cool.
Pam Beesly: Michael, I think that as the boss you should really---
Michael Scott: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim & Dwight: (in unison) That's Batman.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim Halpert: The ocean.
Michael Scott: (under his breath) I work with a bunch of nerds.
Dwight Schrute: (looks at Sasha) Mmm... hello tiny one.
Toby Flenderson: (to Sasha) Come on.
Dwight Schrute: You are the future!
Kevin Malone: This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's.
Kevin Malone: Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check.
Stanley Hudson: Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her.
Melissa: I'm in eighth grade.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Stanley Hudson: She's in middle school.
Michael Scott: Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.
Michael Scott: It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.
Michael Scott: (while Jake is throwing things at Michael) They want how many spiral pads?
Meredith Palmer: Um, fif--well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Meredith Palmer: I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.
Angela Martin: Can you put that down there?
Kelly Kapoor: Yep. (spreads tablecloth)
Toby Flenderson: (to Sasha) Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.
Sasha: Do you need any help?
Angela Martin: No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.
Toby Flenderson: Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela?
Angela Martin: I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.
Kelly Kapoor: God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!
Ryan Howard: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. (Sasha walks in the door) ... Yes. We--yeah, they're very--they're different. (Sasha walks out) Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool.
Abby: No thanks.
Pam Beesly: I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.
Jim Halpert: What are you reading?
Abby: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Jim Halpert: Aww, best book?
Abby: Yeah, but I've read it before.
Jim Halpert: Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be?
Abby: Definitely the Aquarium.
Jim Halpert: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped.
Abby: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Abby: Mmhmm!
Jim Halpert: Yesss. And you're Abby, right?
Abby: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: I'm Jim. (Jim hi-fives Abby) Annnnd... let's sell some paper.
Abby: Alright.
Jim Halpert: Let's start with... your mom.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Yes. Well... we can... (Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train) uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's--- that's alright. (Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk) Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?
Sasha: Sasha.
Michael Scott: Nice to meet you.
Sasha: Ooh! (picks up train whistle)
Michael Scott: Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. (blows into whistle) But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? (blows into whistle) You want to try?
Sasha: Sure. (Sasha blows into whistle continously)
Michael Scott: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! (Sasha and Michael laugh)
Jim Halpert: (shaking hands with Abby) Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand.
Dwight Schrute: There is no way that hurt.
Jim Halpert: Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. (Abby shakes his hand) I don't feel anything. Nothing. (to Jim) You're so weak. (Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads) Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay?
Jake: Do you have any computer games?
Dwight Schrute: No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate.
Jake: Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here.
Dwight Schrute: You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful.
Jake: Whatever, okay?
Dwight Schrute: You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.
Jake: That's your name? Mister Poop?
Dwight Schrute: Schrute. Mister Schrute.
Jake: Sure, Mister Poop. (Jake walks away)
Dwight Schrute: (quietly) ... Schrute. (Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight)
Sasha: (to Phyllis) Are you Mother Goose?
Melissa: I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else.
Ryan Howard: Wow.
Melissa: There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there?
Ryan Howard: No.
Melissa: You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are so dorky. Gimme your number, so I can text you.
Ryan Howard: Uhm...
Melissa: Come on! (Kelly glares through the door) You have an email address?
Kelly Kapoor: ...that I thought you should know ...
Stanley Hudson: Mmhmm. What?
Kelly Kapoor: I think something a little fishy is going on. (points to Ryan and Melissa)
Stanley Hudson: A little fishy?
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... (Stanley gets up)
Stanley Hudson: That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!
Ryan Howard: Yes, I--
Stanley Hudson: Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!
Ryan Howard: Okay.
Ryan Howard: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Dwight Schrute: (plays the recorder) That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. (reading from book) The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs--- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!
Michael Scott: Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: There's a photo...
Michael Scott: What the hell are you reading to them?
Dwight Schrute: These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these---
Michael Scott: Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
Sasha: What's a Nazi?
Michael Scott: What's a Nazi?
Dwight Schrute: (standing up) Nazi was a fascist movement...
Michael Scott: Don't!
Dwight Schrute: ...from the 1930's...
Michael Scott: Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it?
Dwight Schrute: I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.
Michael Scott: (sighing) Why don't you just leave? Okay?
Dwight Schrute: ...Okay.
Jake: Bye, Mister Poop.
Michael Scott: Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?
The Kids: (raising hands) I do, I do!
Michael Scott: Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. (cracks up)
Angela Martin: You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities (makes eye contact with Dwight).
Michael Scott: This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? (pets shelf of paper) You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?
Melissa: So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff.
Michael Scott: No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.
Abby: That's not fair. (the rest of the kids agree)
Michael Scott: Yes it is, well, w-w--you need someone in the middle to facilitate...
Jake: You're just a middleman.
Michael Scott: I'm not just a middle... man...
Melissa: Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people?
Michael Scott: You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business.
Dwight Schrute: We have better service than they do!
Michael Scott: ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?
Creed Bratton: That is correct.
Michael Scott: Say hi to the kids.
Creed Bratton: Hi kids.
Michael Scott: Yaaaaay.
Creed Bratton: Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? (begins untying shoe)
Kids: Ewwww!
Michael Scott: What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?
Creed Bratton: Th-the hair covers it, mostly.
Michael Scott: No no no, we're not gonna see--- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay?
Michael Scott: You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show.
Kids: No way.
Michael Scott: It's true. I did.
Melissa: You serious?
Jake: Really?
Michael Scott: I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star.
Abby: That doesn't sound like a show.
Melissa: What?!
Michael Scott: It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. (gets up and runs out) Ryan, can you come here a second? (clears throat) I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar.
Ryan Howard: Right. Okay.
Michael Scott: I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?
Ryan Howard: Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so...
Melissa: You know, I can go with him.
Michael Scott: Oka--
Ryan Howard: No! I will... go.
Michael Scott: Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office.
Michael Scott: (to Abby) Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like?
Michael Scott: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake.
Michael Scott: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?
Miss Trudy: (from TV) ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? (TV children cheer) Let's have some fun!
Michael Scott: That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...
Dwight Schrute: Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
Michael Scott: Stop! Stop! Stop! (Ryan resumes the tape) Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.
Jim Halpert: That's pretty funny.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Edward R. Meow: ...Recess! Hey, what's your name?
Chet: My name's Chet.
Edward R. Meow: Well hi Chet.
Oscar Martinez: Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael Scott: Uhh, I don't know.
Pam Beesly: That is!
Darryl Philbin: Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up.
Edward R. Meow: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Chet: I want to be on TV!
Dwight Schrute: (employees chuckle) And he is on TV now!
Michael Scott: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.
Edward R. Meow: Okay, next? So, whats your name?
Michael Scott: Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.
Edward R. Meow: Well what's your favorite subject at school?
Young Michael: Recess.
Edward R. Meow: Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Young Michael: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: (jaw drops, awkward pause) Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!
Miss Trudy: Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day.
Michael Scott: Coulda sworn there was...
Melissa: Did you get married?
Michael Scott: ...uh, no.
Abby: Why not?
Michael Scott: Uh, just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott: Uh, nope.
Jake: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott: I do okay.
Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jake: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Okay! Alright, okay.
Sasha: So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael Scott: ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.
Pam Beesly: He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone.
Jim Halpert: Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy.
Roy Anderson: (wrestling with Jake) Pam! Pam! I love this guy! (laughs) Come on!
Pam Beesly: So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's so nice.
Melissa: Who? Terry?
Pam Beesly: Mmhmm.
Melissa: That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.
Jake: Mister Poop, I have to tell you something.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name.
Jake: You're ugly.
Dwight Schrute: Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
Jake: Meredith!
Michael Scott: (Toby knocks on door) Yeah?
Toby Flenderson: I think these belong to you. (puts toys down on desk)
Michael Scott: Oh, that's okay, she can keep those.
Toby Flenderson: Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: Is everything okay?
Michael Scott: You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Toby Flenderson: Uh... it's true...
Michael Scott: Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.
Toby Flenderson: Mmhmm.
Michael Scott: Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?
Toby Flenderson: Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.
Michael Scott: What about...
Toby Flenderson: Not Jan.
Michael Scott: ...Jan. Kay.
Toby Flenderson: If you really want to have kids, I--- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something.
Michael Scott: ...Or biologically.
Toby Flenderson: Somehow.
Michael Scott: Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Michael Scott: Oh... kay.
Jake: Is it okay if I take one?
Pam Beesly: Sure.
Jake: Thank you.
Pam Beesly: You're welcome.
Jake: Is your job hard?
Pam Beesly: It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?
Jake: Yeah!
Pam Beesly: Really?
Jake: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. (shreds paper) Cool huh?
Jake: That's so cool, yeah!
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I get to do this like, every week.
Jake: That's so awesome!
Pam Beesly: I know.
Michael Scott: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one (types). Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Kevin Malone: Go ahead.
Abby: Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?
Jim Halpert: Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? (Abby nods)
Kevin Malone: What're you doing? You never have plans.
Jim Halpert: Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date.
Kevin Malone: Niiice.
Michael Scott: Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.
Michael Scott: (singing) You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... (Dwight joins in) and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...
Jim Halpert: Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play?
Pam Beesly: I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. (Jim leaves)
Michael & Dwight: (singing) ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams...
Pam Beesly: My theory is that... (Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam)
Michael & Dwight: (singing) ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you...
Dwight Schrute: And they do, your parents, love you very much.
Michael Scott: One more time. (singing) You...
Dwight Schrute: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. (Laughs) They didn't eat the children.

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