Scene 011 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel.
Scene 026 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Bribery. Nice.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, I have more. (Holds up bags of candy)Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. (whispering) 'Cause of the... (points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign)Michael ScottOpen quote: ... Oh, God is that today?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I reminded you last night.
Scene 031 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in "Raw," and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in "Daddy Daycare." both great movies, but, still.
Scene 049 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Well, I'll be in my office.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Don't you think you should say something?Michael ScottOpen quote: They're cool.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael, I think that as the boss you should really---Michael ScottOpen quote: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.Jim & DwightOpen quote: (in unison) That's Batman.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?Jim HalpertOpen quote: The ocean.Michael ScottOpen quote: (under his breath) I work with a bunch of nerds.
Scene 053 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (looks at Sasha) Mmm... hello tiny one.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (to Sasha) Come on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You are the future!
Scene 061 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's.
Scene 071 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check.
Scene 086 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her.MelissaOpen quote: I'm in eighth grade.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: She's in middle school.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.
Scene 091 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.
Scene 103 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (while Jake is throwing things at Michael) They want how many spiral pads?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Um, fif--well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 111 lineMeredith PalmerOpen quote: I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.
Scene 129 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Can you put that down there?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yep. (spreads tablecloth)Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (to Sasha) Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.SashaOpen quote: Do you need any help?Angela MartinOpen quote: No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela?Angela MartinOpen quote: I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!
Scene 131 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.
Scene 141 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. (Sasha walks in the door) ... Yes. We--yeah, they're very--they're different. (Sasha walks out) Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow.
Scene 152 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool.AbbyOpen quote: No thanks.
Scene 1715 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: What are you reading?AbbyOpen quote: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Aww, best book?AbbyOpen quote: Yeah, but I've read it before.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be?AbbyOpen quote: Definitely the Aquarium.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped.AbbyOpen quote: Sure.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?AbbyOpen quote: Mmhmm!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yesss. And you're Abby, right?AbbyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm Jim. (Jim hi-fives Abby) Annnnd... let's sell some paper.AbbyOpen quote: Alright.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Let's start with... your mom.
Scene 187 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) Yes. Well... we can... (Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train) uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's--- that's alright. (Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk) Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?SashaOpen quote: Sasha.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nice to meet you.SashaOpen quote: Ooh! (picks up train whistle)Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. (blows into whistle) But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? (blows into whistle) You want to try?SashaOpen quote: Sure. (Sasha blows into whistle continously)Michael ScottOpen quote: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! (Sasha and Michael laugh)
Scene 1914 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (shaking hands with Abby) Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: There is no way that hurt.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. (Abby shakes his hand) I don't feel anything. Nothing. (to Jim) You're so weak. (Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads) Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay?JakeOpen quote: Do you have any computer games?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate.JakeOpen quote: Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful.JakeOpen quote: Whatever, okay?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.JakeOpen quote: That's your name? Mister Poop?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Schrute. Mister Schrute.JakeOpen quote: Sure, Mister Poop. (Jake walks away)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (quietly) ... Schrute. (Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight)
Scene 217 linesMelissaOpen quote: I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Wow.MelissaOpen quote: There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there?Ryan HowardOpen quote: No.MelissaOpen quote: You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are so dorky. Gimme your number, so I can text you.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Uhm...MelissaOpen quote: Come on! (Kelly glares through the door) You have an email address?
Scene 225 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: ...that I thought you should know ...Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Mmhmm. What?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I think something a little fishy is going on. (points to Ryan and Melissa)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: A little fishy?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... (Stanley gets up)
Scene 234 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yes, I--Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 241 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
Scene 2518 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (plays the recorder) That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. (reading from book) The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs--- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight! Dwight!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: There's a photo...Michael ScottOpen quote: What the hell are you reading to them?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these---Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.SashaOpen quote: What's a Nazi?Michael ScottOpen quote: What's a Nazi?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (standing up) Nazi was a fascist movement...Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...from the 1930's...Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.Michael ScottOpen quote: (sighing) Why don't you just leave? Okay?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...Okay.JakeOpen quote: Bye, Mister Poop.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?The KidsOpen quote: (raising hands) I do, I do!
Scene 261 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. (cracks up)
Scene 271 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities (makes eye contact with Dwight).
Scene 2820 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? (pets shelf of paper) You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?MelissaOpen quote: So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.AbbyOpen quote: That's not fair. (the rest of the kids agree)Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes it is, well, w-w--you need someone in the middle to facilitate...JakeOpen quote: You're just a middleman.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not just a middle... man...MelissaOpen quote: Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people?Michael ScottOpen quote: You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We have better service than they do!Michael ScottOpen quote: ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?Creed BrattonOpen quote: That is correct.Michael ScottOpen quote: Say hi to the kids.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Hi kids.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yaaaaay.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? (begins untying shoe)KidsOpen quote: Ewwww!Michael ScottOpen quote: What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Th-the hair covers it, mostly.Michael ScottOpen quote: No no no, we're not gonna see--- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay?
Scene 2916 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show.KidsOpen quote: No way.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's true. I did.MelissaOpen quote: You serious?JakeOpen quote: Really?Michael ScottOpen quote: I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star.AbbyOpen quote: That doesn't sound like a show.MelissaOpen quote: What?!Michael ScottOpen quote: It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. (gets up and runs out) Ryan, can you come here a second? (clears throat) I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Right. Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so...MelissaOpen quote: You know, I can go with him.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oka--Ryan HowardOpen quote: No! I will... go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office.
Scene 301 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (to Abby) Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like?
Scene 311 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake.
Scene 3241 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?Miss TrudyOpen quote: (from TV) ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? (TV children cheer) Let's have some fun!Michael ScottOpen quote: That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Is that a real fun shooting windmill?Michael ScottOpen quote: Stop! Stop! Stop! (Ryan resumes the tape) Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's pretty funny.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Edward R. MeowOpen quote: ...Recess! Hey, what's your name?ChetOpen quote: My name's Chet.Edward R. MeowOpen quote: Well hi Chet.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Is that Chet Montgomery?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uhh, I don't know.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That is!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up.Edward R. MeowOpen quote: What do you want to be when you grow up?ChetOpen quote: I want to be on TV!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (employees chuckle) And he is on TV now!Michael ScottOpen quote: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.Edward R. MeowOpen quote: Okay, next? So, whats your name?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.Edward R. MeowOpen quote: Well what's your favorite subject at school?Young MichaelOpen quote: Recess.Edward R. MeowOpen quote: Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?Young MichaelOpen quote: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.Edward R. MeowOpen quote: (jaw drops, awkward pause) Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!Miss TrudyOpen quote: Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day.Michael ScottOpen quote: Coulda sworn there was...MelissaOpen quote: Did you get married?Michael ScottOpen quote: ...uh, no.AbbyOpen quote: Why not?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, just never happened.SashaOpen quote: So, do you have any kids?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, nope.JakeOpen quote: Do you have a girlfriend?Michael ScottOpen quote: I do okay.MelissaOpen quote: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.JakeOpen quote: Even I have a girlfriend.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay! Alright, okay.SashaOpen quote: So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.Michael ScottOpen quote: ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.
Scene 333 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (wrestling with Jake) Pam! Pam! I love this guy! (laughs) Come on!
Scene 344 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's so nice.MelissaOpen quote: Who? Terry?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Mmhmm.MelissaOpen quote: That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.
Scene 355 linesJakeOpen quote: Mister Poop, I have to tell you something.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name.JakeOpen quote: You're ugly.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...JakeOpen quote: Meredith!
Scene 368 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Toby knocks on door) Yeah?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I think these belong to you. (puts toys down on desk)Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, that's okay, she can keep those.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Is everything okay?Michael ScottOpen quote: You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Uh... it's true...
Scene 3713 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Mmhmm.Michael ScottOpen quote: Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.Michael ScottOpen quote: What about...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Not Jan.Michael ScottOpen quote: ...Jan. Kay.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: If you really want to have kids, I--- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something.Michael ScottOpen quote: ...Or biologically.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Somehow.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh... kay.
Scene 3814 linesJakeOpen quote: Is it okay if I take one?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sure.JakeOpen quote: Thank you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You're welcome.JakeOpen quote: Is your job hard?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?JakeOpen quote: Yeah!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Really?JakeOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. (shreds paper) Cool huh?JakeOpen quote: That's so cool, yeah!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, I get to do this like, every week.JakeOpen quote: That's so awesome!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I know.
Scene 391 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one (types). Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Scene 4015 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Go ahead.AbbyOpen quote: Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? (Abby nods)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: What're you doing? You never have plans.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Niiice.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.Michael ScottOpen quote: (singing) You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... (Dwight joins in) and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. (Jim leaves)Michael & DwightOpen quote: (singing) ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: My theory is that... (Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam)Michael & DwightOpen quote: (singing) ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And they do, your parents, love you very much.Michael ScottOpen quote: One more time. (singing) You...
Scene 411 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. (Laughs) They didn't eat the children.