Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Vol. 2 · Issue 18Scranton, PA

Here’s every line from the day the Scranton branch opened its doors to the next generation. You’ll find the full script of Michael’s cringey Fundle Bundle revelation and all of Dwight’s terrifying cautionary tales. Whether you're looking for Stanley’s legendary outburst or Jake calling Dwight "Mister Poop," every quote is right here.

Scene 01

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel.

Scene 02

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Bribery. Nice.
Pam Beesly
Oh, I have more. (Holds up bags of candy)
Michael Scott
Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w---
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. (whispering) 'Cause of the... (points to 'Welcome Daughters!' sign)
Michael Scott
... Oh, God is that today?
Pam Beesly
I reminded you last night.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in "Raw," and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in "Daddy Daycare." both great movies, but, still.

Scene 04

9 lines
Michael Scott
Well, I'll be in my office.
Pam Beesly
Don't you think you should say something?
Michael Scott
They're cool.
Pam Beesly
Michael, I think that as the boss you should really---
Michael Scott
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City.
Jim & Dwight
(in unison) That's Batman.
Michael Scott
Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?
Jim Halpert
The ocean.
Michael Scott
(under his breath) I work with a bunch of nerds.

Scene 05

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(looks at Sasha) Mmm... hello tiny one.
Toby Flenderson
(to Sasha) Come on.
Dwight Schrute
You are the future!

Scene 06

1 line
Kevin Malone
This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's.

Scene 07

1 line
Kevin Malone
Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check.

Scene 08

6 lines
Stanley Hudson
Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa.
Michael Scott
Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her.
Melissa
I'm in eighth grade.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Stanley Hudson
She's in middle school.
Michael Scott
Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time.

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.

Scene 10

3 lines
Michael Scott
(while Jake is throwing things at Michael) They want how many spiral pads?
Meredith Palmer
Um, fif--well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 11

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter.

Scene 12

9 lines
Angela Martin
Can you put that down there?
Kelly Kapoor
Yep. (spreads tablecloth)
Toby Flenderson
(to Sasha) Okay, tell them what you wanted to say.
Sasha
Do you need any help?
Angela Martin
No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.
Toby Flenderson
Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela?
Angela Martin
I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys.
Kelly Kapoor
God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies!

Scene 13

1 line
Ryan Howard
Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
(on phone) Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. (Sasha walks in the door) ... Yes. We--yeah, they're very--they're different. (Sasha walks out) Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow.

Scene 15

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool.
Abby
No thanks.

Scene 16

1 line
Pam Beesly
I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.

Scene 17

15 lines
Jim Halpert
What are you reading?
Abby
From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
Jim Halpert
Aww, best book?
Abby
Yeah, but I've read it before.
Jim Halpert
Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be?
Abby
Definitely the Aquarium.
Jim Halpert
Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped.
Abby
Sure.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Abby
Mmhmm!
Jim Halpert
Yesss. And you're Abby, right?
Abby
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
I'm Jim. (Jim hi-fives Abby) Annnnd... let's sell some paper.
Abby
Alright.
Jim Halpert
Let's start with... your mom.

Scene 18

7 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Yes. Well... we can... (Sasha walks in, begins playing with Michael's toy train) uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's--- that's alright. (Sasha moves the train to Michael's desk) Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name?
Sasha
Sasha.
Michael Scott
Nice to meet you.
Sasha
Ooh! (picks up train whistle)
Michael Scott
Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. (blows into whistle) But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? (blows into whistle) You want to try?
Sasha
Sure. (Sasha blows into whistle continously)
Michael Scott
All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! (Sasha and Michael laugh)

Scene 19

14 lines
Jim Halpert
(shaking hands with Abby) Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand.
Dwight Schrute
There is no way that hurt.
Jim Halpert
Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. (Abby shakes his hand) I don't feel anything. Nothing. (to Jim) You're so weak. (Jake walks over and messes with Dwight's bobbleheads) Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay?
Jake
Do you have any computer games?
Dwight Schrute
No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate.
Jake
Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here.
Dwight Schrute
You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful.
Jake
Whatever, okay?
Dwight Schrute
You can refer to me as Mister Schrute.
Jake
That's your name? Mister Poop?
Dwight Schrute
Schrute. Mister Schrute.
Jake
Sure, Mister Poop. (Jake walks away)
Dwight Schrute
(quietly) ... Schrute. (Jim and Abby snicker, Angela glares at Dwight)

Scene 20

1 line
Sasha
(to Phyllis) Are you Mother Goose?

Scene 21

7 lines
Melissa
I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else.
Ryan Howard
Wow.
Melissa
There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there?
Ryan Howard
No.
Melissa
You've never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are so dorky. Gimme your number, so I can text you.
Ryan Howard
Uhm...
Melissa
Come on! (Kelly glares through the door) You have an email address?

Scene 22

5 lines
Kelly Kapoor
...that I thought you should know ...
Stanley Hudson
Mmhmm. What?
Kelly Kapoor
I think something a little fishy is going on. (points to Ryan and Melissa)
Stanley Hudson
A little fishy?
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... (Stanley gets up)

Scene 23

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?!
Ryan Howard
Yes, I--
Stanley Hudson
Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child!
Ryan Howard
Okay.

Scene 24

1 line
Ryan Howard
Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Scene 25

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
(plays the recorder) That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. (reading from book) The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs--- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off!
Michael Scott
Dwight! Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
There's a photo...
Michael Scott
What the hell are you reading to them?
Dwight Schrute
These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these---
Michael Scott
Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.
Sasha
What's a Nazi?
Michael Scott
What's a Nazi?
Dwight Schrute
(standing up) Nazi was a fascist movement...
Michael Scott
Don't!
Dwight Schrute
...from the 1930's...
Michael Scott
Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it?
Dwight Schrute
I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls.
Michael Scott
(sighing) Why don't you just leave? Okay?
Dwight Schrute
...Okay.
Jake
Bye, Mister Poop.
Michael Scott
Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?
The Kids
(raising hands) I do, I do!

Scene 26

1 line
Michael Scott
Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. (cracks up)

Scene 27

1 line
Angela Martin
You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities (makes eye contact with Dwight).

Scene 28

20 lines
Michael Scott
This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? (pets shelf of paper) You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions?
Melissa
So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff.
Michael Scott
No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it.
Abby
That's not fair. (the rest of the kids agree)
Michael Scott
Yes it is, well, w-w--you need someone in the middle to facilitate...
Jake
You're just a middleman.
Michael Scott
I'm not just a middle... man...
Melissa
Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people?
Michael Scott
You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business.
Dwight Schrute
We have better service than they do!
Michael Scott
...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right?
Creed Bratton
That is correct.
Michael Scott
Say hi to the kids.
Creed Bratton
Hi kids.
Michael Scott
Yaaaaay.
Creed Bratton
Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? (begins untying shoe)
Kids
Ewwww!
Michael Scott
What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem?
Creed Bratton
Th-the hair covers it, mostly.
Michael Scott
No no no, we're not gonna see--- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay?

Scene 29

16 lines
Michael Scott
You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show.
Kids
No way.
Michael Scott
It's true. I did.
Melissa
You serious?
Jake
Really?
Michael Scott
I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star.
Abby
That doesn't sound like a show.
Melissa
What?!
Michael Scott
It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. (gets up and runs out) Ryan, can you come here a second? (clears throat) I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar.
Ryan Howard
Right. Okay.
Michael Scott
I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine?
Ryan Howard
Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so...
Melissa
You know, I can go with him.
Michael Scott
Oka--
Ryan Howard
No! I will... go.
Michael Scott
Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
(to Abby) Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like?

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake.

Scene 32

41 lines
Michael Scott
I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan?
Miss Trudy
(from TV) ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? (TV children cheer) Let's have some fun!
Michael Scott
That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to...
Dwight Schrute
Is that a real fun shooting windmill?
Michael Scott
Stop! Stop! Stop! (Ryan resumes the tape) Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow.
Jim Halpert
That's pretty funny.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Edward R. Meow
...Recess! Hey, what's your name?
Chet
My name's Chet.
Edward R. Meow
Well hi Chet.
Oscar Martinez
Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael Scott
Uhh, I don't know.
Pam Beesly
That is!
Darryl Philbin
Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up.
Edward R. Meow
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Chet
I want to be on TV!
Dwight Schrute
(employees chuckle) And he is on TV now!
Michael Scott
Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it.
Edward R. Meow
Okay, next? So, whats your name?
Michael Scott
Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh.
Edward R. Meow
Well what's your favorite subject at school?
Young Michael
Recess.
Edward R. Meow
Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Young Michael
I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow
(jaw drops, awkward pause) Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy!
Miss Trudy
Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day.
Michael Scott
Coulda sworn there was...
Melissa
Did you get married?
Michael Scott
...uh, no.
Abby
Why not?
Michael Scott
Uh, just never happened.
Sasha
So, do you have any kids?
Michael Scott
Uh, nope.
Jake
Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael Scott
I do okay.
Melissa
Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jake
Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael Scott
Okay! Alright, okay.
Sasha
So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael Scott
...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye.

Scene 33

3 lines
Pam Beesly
He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone.
Jim Halpert
Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy.
Roy Anderson
(wrestling with Jake) Pam! Pam! I love this guy! (laughs) Come on!

Scene 34

4 lines
Pam Beesly
So, Melissa... I met your mom a couple times. She's so nice.
Melissa
Who? Terry?
Pam Beesly
Mmhmm.
Melissa
That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother.

Scene 35

5 lines
Jake
Mister Poop, I have to tell you something.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name.
Jake
You're ugly.
Dwight Schrute
Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
Jake
Meredith!

Scene 36

8 lines
Michael Scott
(Toby knocks on door) Yeah?
Toby Flenderson
I think these belong to you. (puts toys down on desk)
Michael Scott
Oh, that's okay, she can keep those.
Toby Flenderson
Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Toby Flenderson
Is everything okay?
Michael Scott
You have to ask me that because you work for human resources.
Toby Flenderson
Uh... it's true...

Scene 37

13 lines
Michael Scott
Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.
Toby Flenderson
Mmhmm.
Michael Scott
Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?
Toby Flenderson
Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.
Michael Scott
What about...
Toby Flenderson
Not Jan.
Michael Scott
...Jan. Kay.
Toby Flenderson
If you really want to have kids, I--- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something.
Michael Scott
...Or biologically.
Toby Flenderson
Somehow.
Michael Scott
Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...
Toby Flenderson
Yes.
Michael Scott
Oh... kay.

Scene 38

14 lines
Jake
Is it okay if I take one?
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Jake
Thank you.
Pam Beesly
You're welcome.
Jake
Is your job hard?
Pam Beesly
It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see?
Jake
Yeah!
Pam Beesly
Really?
Jake
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. (shreds paper) Cool huh?
Jake
That's so cool, yeah!
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I get to do this like, every week.
Jake
That's so awesome!
Pam Beesly
I know.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one (types). Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Scene 40

15 lines
Kevin Malone
Go ahead.
Abby
Do you want to come over for dinner tonight?
Jim Halpert
Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? (Abby nods)
Kevin Malone
What're you doing? You never have plans.
Jim Halpert
Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date.
Kevin Malone
Niiice.
Michael Scott
Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do.
Michael Scott
(singing) You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... (Dwight joins in) and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well...
Jim Halpert
Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play?
Pam Beesly
I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. (Jim leaves)
Michael & Dwight
(singing) ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams...
Pam Beesly
My theory is that... (Jim signals he's leaving, waves bye to Pam)
Michael & Dwight
(singing) ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you...
Dwight Schrute
And they do, your parents, love you very much.
Michael Scott
One more time. (singing) You...

Scene 41

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. (Laughs) They didn't eat the children.