Scene 0111 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Who is this guy again?Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Who uses calling cards anymore?Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. (Jim and Dwight raise their hands) Alright.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, let me explain. Again. (draws on board) Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... (Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram) ... I have to go make a call.
Scene 024 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Happy birthday Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh ho ho! What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I said happy birthday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you! That's really nice.
Scene 031 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.
Scene 043 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What's up?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, thank you sir.
Scene 052 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: Did you hear anything yet?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No. I'm still waiting.
Scene 0615 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Dwight knocks on door) Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!Michael ScottOpen quote: Ohh, god.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Birthday hug!Michael ScottOpen quote: No no no, no, new suit, please.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That suit is amazing.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. (checks jacket) Actually--- no, Bulgaria.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mmm. Maybe I should get one.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good luck. One of a kind.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?Michael ScottOpen quote: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's get the party started. (Begins 'raising the roof')Michael ScottOpen quote: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! (Michael joins in)
Scene 079 linesPhyllis VanceOpen quote: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: One's good.Angela MartinOpen quote: One thirty. (Pam yawns) I'm sorry, are we boring you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Where do we get those?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. (hands list to Pam)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael wants a strippergram?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.Angela MartinOpen quote: No. This is a closed door meeting.
Scene 0814 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (answering phone) Yeah?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael, I have Jan on the line.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, great, put her through.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Hello, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, you.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent.Michael ScottOpen quote: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well, today's not my birthday, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: ...Happy birthday, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks. (grins)Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Am I on camera?Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. (Jan hangs up)Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Ryan, sitting across from Michael) ...You can take a five, if you want.
Scene 093 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Mmhmm, happy birthday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks.
Scene 107 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, okay.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Second opinion on what?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Um, I might have skin cancer.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Kelly, you know what...
Scene 111 lineKelly KapoorOpen quote: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.
Scene 128 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Who brought in donuts?Michael ScottOpen quote: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Happy birthday!Michael ScottOpen quote: You didn't know it was my birthday.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I... guess I forgot.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut (closes box).Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Are you serious?Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmm.
Scene 134 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Skin cancer is treatable.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Right.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's going to be okay.Angela MartinOpen quote: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though.
Scene 146 linesDelivery WomanOpen quote: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.Michael ScottOpen quote: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! (giggles) Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! (puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles) Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright?Delivery WomanOpen quote: Uh... s-sure.Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughing) Okay. I'm so nervous.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I can sign for it.Delivery WomanOpen quote: Oh. Thanks.
Scene 151 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.
Scene 165 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder) Stop it. Stop! What is that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I probably care more than she does.Michael ScottOpen quote: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this (points to James Dean poster).
Scene 173 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: When does he hear?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sometime today.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ohh... poor Kevin.
Scene 181 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week.
Scene 1920 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on (watch beeps) back... order... (hangs up) Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.Michael ScottOpen quote: (grinning) Ohhh, God.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ohhh, no.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: ...I'll do it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Creed! Come on. Stanley!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Happy birth moment, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: One. Two. Three! (Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling)Michael ScottOpen quote: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oscar...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It wasn't me.
Scene 205 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, that is not an eight foot sub.Delivery BoyOpen quote: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: F. Alright, what's the damage?Delivery BoyOpen quote: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (pulls out wallet) Thirty nine... sixty.
Scene 211 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Scene 2215 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Here they come.Michael ScottOpen quote: Get in here... everybody.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come and get it!Michael ScottOpen quote: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What is this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.Michael ScottOpen quote: The best.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: These are all the same?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Angela MartinOpen quote: Bologna? I don't eat bologna.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.Angela MartinOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just the bread, it's fresh baked.Angela MartinOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. (under breath) And choke on it.
Scene 231 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had.
Scene 244 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sixty-nine cup of noodles.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And his favorite lunch.
Scene 2512 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left (pulls ice cream cake out of freezer).Ryan HowardOpen quote: (making peanut butter and jelly sandwich) Someone ate three feet of that thing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.Angela MartinOpen quote: (grabs cake) Oh. Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh. I got it.Angela MartinOpen quote: What are--- it's... the party planning committee.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.Angela MartinOpen quote: Fine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?Angela MartinOpen quote: Yes... (whispering) but don't expect any cookie.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (whispering) But what if i'm hungry?Angela MartinOpen quote: (whispering) No cookie.
Scene 265 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (puts fabric softener into cart) ...What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You use fabric softener?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, you don't?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: ...Okay.
Scene 2713 linesOffice StaffOpen quote: (singing) Happy birthday dear Michael, (Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings) Happy birthday... (everyone but Dwight stops) ...tooo youuuu.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hello? Hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. (hangs up) It was just Stacy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Are you done? ...Good. Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Here we go. Make a wish.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... (blows out the candles)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yaoo yay! (claps)Michael ScottOpen quote: ... I asked for trick candles.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pam was supposed to get 'em.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. (notices Meredith hugging Kevin) Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.Angela MartinOpen quote: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.Michael ScottOpen quote: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us (takes cake into office and slams the door).
Scene 2811 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (checking watch) We should probably head back.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You dare me? How old are you?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Just... quit stalling.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader) Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Such a dork.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (loudspeaker) Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you...Store EmployeeOpen quote: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry.Jim HalpertOpen quote: How old are you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I hate you.
Scene 2912 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: (to Kevin) Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible.Michael ScottOpen quote: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Still scary.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.Michael ScottOpen quote: And laughter... also.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I work here.Michael ScottOpen quote: (mocking voice) Nyeh, I work here. (to Kevin) Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.
Scene 307 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please, don't.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You... owe me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?Michael ScottOpen quote: How dare you sir. You are gross.
Scene 313 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink) That should not be there.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'll get someone to take it down.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!
Scene 322 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Scene 336 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Think you can let go?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No. (laughs)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. (Michael skates by)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: YEAH!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Who is that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is that Michael?
Scene 341 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.
Scene 353 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I got it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: ...It's something to think about.
Scene 3614 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: I can't relax about it, you know?Michael ScottOpen quote: Kevin. You heard anything yet?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, not yet.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Well. Live strong.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Okay, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright.CarolOpen quote: Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...CarolOpen quote: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, these... all your kids?CarolOpen quote: No just the front two.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?CarolOpen quote: Sure.Michael ScottOpen quote: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!
Scene 373 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. (Kevin's phone rings) Excuse me.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. (hangs up) It was negative.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh... God... (stomps) God! (throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down) We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here (hugs Kevin).
Scene 381 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.
Scene 3910 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Turn it around. Turn it around.Michael ScottOpen quote: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Number one!!Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: This is from all of us.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.
Scene 401 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.