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Season 2 Episode 19
Michael's Birthday

Every line from The Office episode "Michael's Birthday", season 2 episode 19.

Michael Scott: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar Martinez: Who is this guy again?
Michael Scott: Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan Howard: Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael Scott: You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar Martinez: This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Michael Scott: Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Toby Flenderson: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael Scott: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. (Jim and Dwight raise their hands) Alright.
Jim Halpert: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael Scott: Alright, let me explain. Again. (draws on board) Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... (Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram) ... I have to go make a call.
Pam Beesly: Happy birthday Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh ho ho! What?
Pam Beesly: I said happy birthday.
Michael Scott: Thank you! That's really nice.
Michael Scott: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.
Michael Scott: What's up?
Jim Halpert: Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday.
Michael Scott: Ah, thank you sir.
Meredith Palmer: Did you hear anything yet?
Kevin Malone: No. I'm still waiting.
Michael Scott: (Dwight knocks on door) Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!
Michael Scott: Ohh, god.
Dwight Schrute: Birthday hug!
Michael Scott: No no no, no, new suit, please.
Dwight Schrute: That suit is amazing.
Michael Scott: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. (checks jacket) Actually--- no, Bulgaria.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm. Maybe I should get one.
Michael Scott: Good luck. One of a kind.
Dwight Schrute: Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael Scott: Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...
Michael Scott: Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.
Dwight Schrute: Let's get the party started. (Begins 'raising the roof')
Michael Scott: Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! (Michael joins in)
Phyllis Vance: When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?
Pam Beesly: One's good.
Angela Martin: One thirty. (Pam yawns) I'm sorry, are we boring you?
Dwight Schrute: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Phyllis Vance: Where do we get those?
Dwight Schrute: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. (hands list to Pam)
Pam Beesly: Michael wants a strippergram?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.
Angela Martin: No. This is a closed door meeting.
Michael Scott: (answering phone) Yeah?
Pam Beesly: Michael, I have Jan on the line.
Michael Scott: Oh, great, put her through.
Jan Levinson: Hello, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey, you.
Jan Levinson: I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent.
Michael Scott: It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan Levinson: Well, today's not my birthday, so...
Michael Scott: Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan Levinson: ...Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks. (grins)
Jan Levinson: Am I on camera?
Michael Scott: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. (Jan hangs up)
Michael Scott: (to Ryan, sitting across from Michael) ...You can take a five, if you want.
Michael Scott: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Stanley Hudson: Mmhmm, happy birthday.
Michael Scott: Thanks.
Jim Halpert: Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?
Kevin Malone: They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.
Jim Halpert: Oh, okay.
Kelly Kapoor: Second opinion on what?
Kevin Malone: Um, I might have skin cancer.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too.
Jim Halpert: Kelly, you know what...
Kelly Kapoor: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.
Toby Flenderson: Who brought in donuts?
Michael Scott: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby Flenderson: Happy birthday!
Michael Scott: You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby Flenderson: I... guess I forgot.
Michael Scott: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut (closes box).
Toby Flenderson: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Mmm.
Oscar Martinez: Skin cancer is treatable.
Kevin Malone: Right.
Oscar Martinez: It's going to be okay.
Angela Martin: You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though.
Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! (giggles) Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! (puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles) Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright?
Delivery Woman: Uh... s-sure.
Michael Scott: (laughing) Okay. I'm so nervous.
Pam Beesly: I can sign for it.
Delivery Woman: Oh. Thanks.
Michael Scott: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.
Michael Scott: (eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder) Stop it. Stop! What is that?
Dwight Schrute: It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.
Dwight Schrute: I probably care more than she does.
Michael Scott: You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this (points to James Dean poster).
Pam Beesly: When does he hear?
Jim Halpert: Sometime today.
Pam Beesly: Ohh... poor Kevin.
Pam Beesly: If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on (watch beeps) back... order... (hangs up) Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.
Michael Scott: (grinning) Ohhh, God.
Dwight Schrute: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Michael Scott: Ohhh, no.
Dwight Schrute: So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!
Oscar Martinez: ...I'll do it.
Michael Scott: Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.
Dwight Schrute: Creed! Come on. Stanley!
Pam Beesly: ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Jim Halpert: Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and...
Dwight Schrute: On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Happy birth moment, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: One. Two. Three! (Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling)
Michael Scott: Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.
Dwight Schrute: Oscar...
Oscar Martinez: It wasn't me.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, that is not an eight foot sub.
Delivery Boy: Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.
Dwight Schrute: F. Alright, what's the damage?
Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty.
Dwight Schrute: (pulls out wallet) Thirty nine... sixty.
Dwight Schrute: Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Dwight Schrute: Here they come.
Michael Scott: Get in here... everybody.
Dwight Schrute: Come and get it!
Michael Scott: Birthday party subs! My gift to you.
Oscar Martinez: What is this?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.
Michael Scott: The best.
Stanley Hudson: These are all the same?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Angela Martin: Bologna? I don't eat bologna.
Michael Scott: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.
Angela Martin: No.
Michael Scott: Just the bread, it's fresh baked.
Angela Martin: No.
Michael Scott: Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. (under breath) And choke on it.
Michael Scott: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had.
Jim Halpert: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back.
Pam Beesly: Sixty-nine cup of noodles.
Jim Halpert: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number.
Pam Beesly: And his favorite lunch.
Dwight Schrute: Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left (pulls ice cream cake out of freezer).
Ryan Howard: (making peanut butter and jelly sandwich) Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight Schrute: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.
Angela Martin: (grabs cake) Oh. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. I got it.
Angela Martin: What are--- it's... the party planning committee.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.
Angela Martin: Fine.
Dwight Schrute: What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?
Angela Martin: Yes... (whispering) but don't expect any cookie.
Dwight Schrute: (whispering) But what if i'm hungry?
Angela Martin: (whispering) No cookie.
Jim Halpert: (puts fabric softener into cart) ...What?
Pam Beesly: You use fabric softener?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you don't?
Pam Beesly: No, I do.
Jim Halpert: ...Okay.
Office Staff: (singing) Happy birthday dear Michael, (Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings) Happy birthday... (everyone but Dwight stops) ...tooo youuuu.
Kevin Malone: Hello? Hey.
Michael Scott: Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Kevin Malone: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. (hangs up) It was just Stacy.
Michael Scott: Are you done? ...Good. Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Here we go. Make a wish.
Michael Scott: Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... (blows out the candles)
Dwight Schrute: Yaoo yay! (claps)
Michael Scott: ... I asked for trick candles.
Dwight Schrute: Pam was supposed to get 'em.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. (notices Meredith hugging Kevin) Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.
Angela Martin: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Michael Scott: ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us (takes cake into office and slams the door).
Pam Beesly: (checking watch) We should probably head back.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam Beesly: You dare me? How old are you?
Jim Halpert: Just... quit stalling.
Pam Beesly: (over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader) Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.
Jim Halpert: Such a dork.
Pam Beesly: (loudspeaker) Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you...
Store Employee: Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy.
Pam Beesly: Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Jim Halpert: How old are you?
Pam Beesly: I hate you.
Toby Flenderson: (to Kevin) Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible.
Michael Scott: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin Malone: Still scary.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin Malone: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael Scott: And laughter... also.
Toby Flenderson: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael Scott: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby Flenderson: I work here.
Michael Scott: (mocking voice) Nyeh, I work here. (to Kevin) Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin Malone: If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.
Michael Scott: Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.
Dwight Schrute: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.
Jim Halpert: Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael.
Dwight Schrute: Please, don't.
Jim Halpert: You... owe me.
Michael Scott: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Stanley Hudson: Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?
Michael Scott: How dare you sir. You are gross.
Michael Scott: (sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink) That should not be there.
Dwight Schrute: I'll get someone to take it down.
Michael Scott: No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!
Kelly Kapoor: Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!
Ryan Howard: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Jim Halpert: Think you can let go?
Pam Beesly: No. (laughs)
Jim Halpert: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. (Michael skates by)
Dwight Schrute: YEAH!
Pam Beesly: Who is that?
Jim Halpert: Is that Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.
Pam Beesly: I got it.
Michael Scott: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim Halpert: ...It's something to think about.
Kevin Malone: I can't relax about it, you know?
Michael Scott: Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Kevin Malone: No, not yet.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well. Live strong.
Kevin Malone: Okay, Michael.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Carol: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...
Carol: Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.
Michael Scott: Oh, these... all your kids?
Carol: No just the front two.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?
Carol: Sure.
Michael Scott: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!
Michael Scott: Push. Good! That's great. You got it. (Kevin's phone rings) Excuse me.
Kevin Malone: Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. (hangs up) It was negative.
Michael Scott: Oh... God... (stomps) God! (throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down) We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here (hugs Kevin).
Michael Scott: Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.
Kevin Malone: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.
Michael Scott: Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!
Dwight Schrute: Turn it around. Turn it around.
Michael Scott: Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Number one!!
Michael Scott: Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.
Pam Beesly: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: This is from all of us.
Michael Scott: Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.
Pam Beesly: Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 19 season 2. Michael's Birthday is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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