Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Michael's Birthday

Vol. 2 · Issue 19Scranton, PA

It’s Michael’s big day, but the office is a bit distracted by Kevin’s health scare. You’ll find every line from the episode right here, from the pyramid scheme diagram to the awkward birthday hugs. Check out the full script and grab your favorite quotes from the trip to the skating rink.

Scene 01

11 lines
Michael Scott
So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you.
Oscar Martinez
Who is this guy again?
Michael Scott
Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves.
Ryan Howard
Who uses calling cards anymore?
Michael Scott
You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend.
Oscar Martinez
This sounds like a get rich quick scheme.
Michael Scott
Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will!
Toby Flenderson
Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael Scott
You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. (Jim and Dwight raise their hands) Alright.
Jim Halpert
No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme?
Michael Scott
Alright, let me explain. Again. (draws on board) Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... (Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram) ... I have to go make a call.

Scene 02

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Happy birthday Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh ho ho! What?
Pam Beesly
I said happy birthday.
Michael Scott
Thank you! That's really nice.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher.

Scene 04

3 lines
Michael Scott
What's up?
Jim Halpert
Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday.
Michael Scott
Ah, thank you sir.

Scene 05

2 lines
Meredith Palmer
Did you hear anything yet?
Kevin Malone
No. I'm still waiting.

Scene 06

15 lines
Michael Scott
(Dwight knocks on door) Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. There he is, the birthday boy!
Michael Scott
Ohh, god.
Dwight Schrute
Birthday hug!
Michael Scott
No no no, no, new suit, please.
Dwight Schrute
That suit is amazing.
Michael Scott
Thank you very much. It is from Italy. (checks jacket) Actually--- no, Bulgaria.
Dwight Schrute
Mmm. Maybe I should get one.
Michael Scott
Good luck. One of a kind.
Dwight Schrute
Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities?
Michael Scott
Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday.
Dwight Schrute
Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the...
Michael Scott
Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise.
Dwight Schrute
Let's get the party started. (Begins 'raising the roof')
Michael Scott
Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! (Michael joins in)

Scene 07

9 lines
Phyllis Vance
When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty?
Pam Beesly
One's good.
Angela Martin
One thirty. (Pam yawns) I'm sorry, are we boring you?
Dwight Schrute
Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority.
Phyllis Vance
Where do we get those?
Dwight Schrute
Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. (hands list to Pam)
Pam Beesly
Michael wants a strippergram?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom.
Angela Martin
No. This is a closed door meeting.

Scene 08

14 lines
Michael Scott
(answering phone) Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Michael, I have Jan on the line.
Michael Scott
Oh, great, put her through.
Jan Levinson
Hello, Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey, you.
Jan Levinson
I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent.
Michael Scott
It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday.
Jan Levinson
Well, today's not my birthday, so...
Michael Scott
Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday.
Jan Levinson
...Happy birthday, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thanks. (grins)
Jan Levinson
Am I on camera?
Michael Scott
Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. (Jan hangs up)
Michael Scott
(to Ryan, sitting across from Michael) ...You can take a five, if you want.

Scene 09

3 lines
Michael Scott
Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday!
Stanley Hudson
Mmhmm, happy birthday.
Michael Scott
Thanks.

Scene 10

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out?
Kevin Malone
They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion.
Jim Halpert
Oh, okay.
Kelly Kapoor
Second opinion on what?
Kevin Malone
Um, I might have skin cancer.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too.
Jim Halpert
Kelly, you know what...

Scene 11

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

Scene 12

8 lines
Toby Flenderson
Who brought in donuts?
Michael Scott
Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby Flenderson
Happy birthday!
Michael Scott
You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby Flenderson
I... guess I forgot.
Michael Scott
Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut (closes box).
Toby Flenderson
Are you serious?
Michael Scott
Mmm.

Scene 13

4 lines
Oscar Martinez
Skin cancer is treatable.
Kevin Malone
Right.
Oscar Martinez
It's going to be okay.
Angela Martin
You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though.

Scene 14

6 lines
Delivery Woman
Hi, delivery for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! (giggles) Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! (puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles) Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright?
Delivery Woman
Uh... s-sure.
Michael Scott
(laughing) Okay. I'm so nervous.
Pam Beesly
I can sign for it.
Delivery Woman
Oh. Thanks.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

Scene 16

5 lines
Michael Scott
(eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder) Stop it. Stop! What is that?
Dwight Schrute
It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything.
Dwight Schrute
I probably care more than she does.
Michael Scott
You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this (points to James Dean poster).

Scene 17

3 lines
Pam Beesly
When does he hear?
Jim Halpert
Sometime today.
Pam Beesly
Ohh... poor Kevin.

Scene 18

1 line
Pam Beesly
If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week.

Scene 19

20 lines
Dwight Schrute
Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on (watch beeps) back... order... (hangs up) Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here!
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please.
Michael Scott
(grinning) Ohhh, God.
Dwight Schrute
There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.
Michael Scott
Ohhh, no.
Dwight Schrute
So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin!
Oscar Martinez
...I'll do it.
Michael Scott
Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this.
Dwight Schrute
Creed! Come on. Stanley!
Pam Beesly
...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here?
Jim Halpert
Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and...
Dwight Schrute
On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready?
Michael Scott
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Happy birth moment, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
One. Two. Three! (Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling)
Michael Scott
Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please.
Dwight Schrute
Oscar...
Oscar Martinez
It wasn't me.

Scene 20

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay, that is not an eight foot sub.
Delivery Boy
Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs.
Dwight Schrute
F. Alright, what's the damage?
Delivery Boy
Uh, thirty-nine sixty.
Dwight Schrute
(pulls out wallet) Thirty nine... sixty.

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Scene 22

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
Here they come.
Michael Scott
Get in here... everybody.
Dwight Schrute
Come and get it!
Michael Scott
Birthday party subs! My gift to you.
Oscar Martinez
What is this?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup.
Michael Scott
The best.
Stanley Hudson
These are all the same?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Angela Martin
Bologna? I don't eat bologna.
Michael Scott
Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good.
Angela Martin
No.
Michael Scott
Just the bread, it's fresh baked.
Angela Martin
No.
Michael Scott
Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. (under breath) And choke on it.

Scene 23

1 line
Michael Scott
When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

Scene 24

4 lines
Jim Halpert
So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back.
Pam Beesly
Sixty-nine cup of noodles.
Jim Halpert
Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number.
Pam Beesly
And his favorite lunch.

Scene 25

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left (pulls ice cream cake out of freezer).
Ryan Howard
(making peanut butter and jelly sandwich) Someone ate three feet of that thing?
Dwight Schrute
Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake.
Angela Martin
(grabs cake) Oh. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. I got it.
Angela Martin
What are--- it's... the party planning committee.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything.
Angela Martin
Fine.
Dwight Schrute
What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances?
Angela Martin
Yes... (whispering) but don't expect any cookie.
Dwight Schrute
(whispering) But what if i'm hungry?
Angela Martin
(whispering) No cookie.

Scene 26

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(puts fabric softener into cart) ...What?
Pam Beesly
You use fabric softener?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, you don't?
Pam Beesly
No, I do.
Jim Halpert
...Okay.

Scene 27

13 lines
Office Staff
(singing) Happy birthday dear Michael, (Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings) Happy birthday... (everyone but Dwight stops) ...tooo youuuu.
Kevin Malone
Hello? Hey.
Michael Scott
Kevin? Respect the birthday please.
Kevin Malone
No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. (hangs up) It was just Stacy.
Michael Scott
Are you done? ...Good. Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Here we go. Make a wish.
Michael Scott
Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... (blows out the candles)
Dwight Schrute
Yaoo yay! (claps)
Michael Scott
... I asked for trick candles.
Dwight Schrute
Pam was supposed to get 'em.
Michael Scott
Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. (notices Meredith hugging Kevin) Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day.
Angela Martin
No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
Michael Scott
... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us (takes cake into office and slams the door).

Scene 28

11 lines
Pam Beesly
(checking watch) We should probably head back.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement.
Pam Beesly
You dare me? How old are you?
Jim Halpert
Just... quit stalling.
Pam Beesly
(over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader) Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.
Jim Halpert
Such a dork.
Pam Beesly
(loudspeaker) Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you...
Store Employee
Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy.
Pam Beesly
Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Jim Halpert
How old are you?
Pam Beesly
I hate you.

Scene 29

12 lines
Toby Flenderson
(to Kevin) Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible.
Michael Scott
There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin Malone
Still scary.
Michael Scott
Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin Malone
Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael Scott
And laughter... also.
Toby Flenderson
I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael Scott
Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby Flenderson
I work here.
Michael Scott
(mocking voice) Nyeh, I work here. (to Kevin) Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.
Kevin Malone
If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy.
Michael Scott
Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry.

Scene 30

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls.
Jim Halpert
Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael.
Dwight Schrute
Please, don't.
Jim Halpert
You... owe me.
Michael Scott
Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun.
Stanley Hudson
Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday?
Michael Scott
How dare you sir. You are gross.

Scene 31

3 lines
Michael Scott
(sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink) That should not be there.
Dwight Schrute
I'll get someone to take it down.
Michael Scott
No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on!

Scene 32

2 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Don't be scared! You're good! You're good!
Ryan Howard
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Scene 33

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Think you can let go?
Pam Beesly
No. (laughs)
Jim Halpert
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. (Michael skates by)
Dwight Schrute
YEAH!
Pam Beesly
Who is that?
Jim Halpert
Is that Michael?

Scene 34

1 line
Michael Scott
Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.

Scene 35

3 lines
Pam Beesly
I got it.
Michael Scott
Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it.
Jim Halpert
...It's something to think about.

Scene 36

14 lines
Kevin Malone
I can't relax about it, you know?
Michael Scott
Kevin. You heard anything yet?
Kevin Malone
No, not yet.
Michael Scott
Okay. Well. Live strong.
Kevin Malone
Okay, Michael.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Carol
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or...
Carol
Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson.
Michael Scott
Oh, these... all your kids?
Carol
No just the front two.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay?
Carol
Sure.
Michael Scott
Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now!

Scene 37

3 lines
Michael Scott
Push. Good! That's great. You got it. (Kevin's phone rings) Excuse me.
Kevin Malone
Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. (hangs up) It was negative.
Michael Scott
Oh... God... (stomps) God! (throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down) We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here (hugs Kevin).

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos.

Scene 39

10 lines
Kevin Malone
This is awesome. Thanks, you guys.
Michael Scott
Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey!
Dwight Schrute
Turn it around. Turn it around.
Michael Scott
Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Number one!!
Michael Scott
Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks.
Pam Beesly
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
This is from all of us.
Michael Scott
Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it.

Scene 40

1 line
Pam Beesly
Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.