Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Sexual Harassment

Vol. 2 · Issue 2Scranton, PA

Every line from The Office episode "Sexual Harassment", season 2 episode 2.

Scene 01

12 lines
Michael Scott
(clears throat) Hey, what's up?
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Michael Scott
Any emails today?
Jim Halpert
Um... I don't think so.
Michael Scott
No? Um... Check your spam folder.
Jim Halpert
Oh! There it is!
Michael Scott
What?
Jim Halpert
Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'
Michael Scott
(laughs uncontrollably)
Jim Halpert
Well done.
Michael Scott
Kay.
Jim Halpert
Topical.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.

Scene 03

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
So the monkey does the sex thing right here! (monkey noises in background)
Michael Scott
That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational.
Dwight Schrute
Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Michael Scott
Um, I...
Dwight Schrute
Consider it?
Michael Scott
Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... (muffled by jacket over his head) Whup! Come on! Hey!
Todd Packer
What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? (points at self) This guy!
Michael Scott
Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Todd Packer
(makes laser gun noises)
Michael Scott
Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Todd Packer
bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?
Michael Scott
Uh oh.
Todd Packer
Still queer?
Michael Scott
Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So...

Scene 05

11 lines
Michael Scott
Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Todd Packer
Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.
Michael Scott
Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!
Todd Packer
We're talking blonde incompetent.
Michael Scott
Oh, yeah.
Todd Packer
Like 10 words a minute... talking.
Michael Scott
Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd Packer
They are women, right?
Michael Scott
Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!
Todd Packer
I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.

Scene 06

1 line
Jim Halpert
Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? (points at self) This guy!

Scene 07

5 lines
Todd Packer
Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?
Michael Scott
Oh. Bad boy. (to Ryan) Um... Ryan? (makes Donald Duck noise)
Todd Packer
(to Ryan) Come on, kid. Let's go.
Michael Scott
Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim Halpert
Except pass that breathalyzer.

Scene 08

2 lines
Ryan Howard
You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer
Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Scene 09

1 line
Kevin's computer
(monkey noises)

Scene 10

2 lines
Jim Halpert
I'm really excited to meet your Mom.
Pam Beesly
You are?

Scene 11

1 line
Pam Beesly
My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.

Scene 12

6 lines
Pam Beesly
I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah?
Pam Beesly
mmhmm.
Jim Halpert
Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam Beesly
Oh really?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?

Scene 13

7 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Michael Scott
Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School".
Toby Flenderson
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yes, Toby?
Toby Flenderson
Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.
Michael Scott
Um... literally two seconds?

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.

Scene 15

12 lines
Toby Flenderson
The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.
Michael Scott
No, no, Toby. No.
Toby Flenderson
It's really not a big deal, Michael.
Michael Scott
It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Toby Flenderson
And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...
Michael Scott
What?
Toby Flenderson
Just to refresh you... .
Michael Scott
NO!
Toby Flenderson
on our policy.
Michael Scott
What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?
Toby Flenderson
Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael Scott
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

Scene 16

3 lines
Michael Scott
Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. (to Toby) So, take it away.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.
Michael Scott
I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake.

Scene 18

24 lines
Michael Scott
Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. (to Warehouse guys) Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Darryl Philbin
Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Michael Scott
Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
Darryl Philbin
Well, (points at Michael) those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?
Roy Anderson
Boys R Us!
Warehouse Guy
Oh!
Michael Scott
Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Darryl Philbin
Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
Michael Scott
Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
Roy Anderson
Hey, hey, hey.
Michael Scott
What?
Roy Anderson
So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.
Michael Scott
I don't feel bad.
Darryl Philbin
(fake whispers to Roy) I think he feels bad.
Michael Scott
No, I don't.
Roy Anderson
You look like you feel bad.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Roy Anderson
Little package!
Michael Scott
Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Warehouse guy
Little package! Little package!
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Roy Anderson
You look good.
Darryl Philbin
Hiding from his momma.
Warehouse guys
(kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds)

Scene 19

4 lines
Toby Flenderson
So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?
Pam Beesly
Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today.
Kevin Malone
MILF!
Pam Beesly
Thanks, Kevin.

Scene 20

1 line
Pam Beesly
Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.

Scene 21

27 lines
Pam Beesly
She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Toby Flenderson
Great point.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Toby Flenderson
Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.
Michael Scott
Hi, is it over?
Toby Flenderson
Uh, yes!
Michael Scott
No.
Toby Flenderson
I can go over it with you.
Michael Scott
I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.
Toby Flenderson
It's over.
Michael Scott
Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?
Angela Martin
Email forwards.
Michael Scott
Exactly! Mmwwah (blows kiss to Angela)! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Angela Martin
I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.
Michael Scott
Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?
Stanley Hudson
That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now.
Meredith Palmer
Um... what about office romance?
Toby Flenderson
Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis Vance
All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?
Michael Scott
I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, Meredith.
Michael Scott
No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Michael Scott
She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin Malone
She wasn't that hot.
Michael Scott
Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!
Toby Flenderson
Ok, you know, Michael...

Scene 22

1 line
Jim Halpert
I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it.

Scene 23

7 lines
Michael Scott
What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? (to Toby) Would that be crossing the line?
Toby Flenderson
No.
Michael Scott
What if they made out? In front of everybody?
Toby Flenderson
Well, that would be...
Michael Scott
At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Toby Flenderson
Okay, I'm lost.
Michael Scott
Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?

Scene 24

6 lines
Video
(Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace)
Michael Scott
I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?
Jim Halpert
No, thanks. I'm good.
Michael Scott
That's what she said. Pam?
Pam Beesly
Uh... my mother's coming.
Michael Scott
That's what she sai (clears throat) Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.

Scene 25

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Toby.
Toby Flenderson
Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby Flenderson
Sure.
Dwight Schrute
Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?

Scene 26

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Scene 27

4 lines
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.
Dwight Schrute
Good. Good. And...
Toby Flenderson
I should get back to work.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.

Scene 28

15 lines
Man in Video
In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'
Video
(Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead)
Roy Anderson
Natural redhead.
Actor
Hey, Rach.
Redheaded Actress
Hey, Joe. Mike.
Actor
Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?
Darryl Philbin
Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. (pointing at Redheaded Actress) I banged this girl right here. This is...
Roy Anderson
That's her?
Darryl Philbin
Yes, this is the one.
Roy Anderson
No!
Darryl Philbin
You remember? Yes!
Roy Anderson
At the party?
Warehouse guy
You banged her?
Darryl Philbin
Yes! (to video screen) Right here. You are a naughty girl!
Michael Scott
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.

Scene 29

2 lines
Jan Levinson
(to cell phone) Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. (to Pam) Hi.
Michael Scott
Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.

Scene 30

3 lines
Todd Packer
Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.
Pam Beesly
I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.
Todd Packer
Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.

Scene 31

3 lines
Michael Scott
So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley
I love lawyer jokes.
Michael Scott
Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.

Scene 33

8 lines
Jan Levinson
You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?
Michael Scott
The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.
Jan Levinson
Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything.
Michael Scott
Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael Scott
No, I've seen the video.
Toby Flenderson
(to Jan) He talked the whole time.
Michael Scott
No, I didn't. (to Jan) Huh, what? (everyone looks up at blow-up doll)

Scene 34

11 lines
Michael Scott
Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim Halpert
Does that include 'That's What She Said'?
Michael Scott
Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim Halpert
Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael Scott
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan Levinson
Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael Scott
(laughing) Come on.
Jan Levinson
Michael, please.
Todd Packer
There he is.
Michael Scott
Mwah! (kisses hand and salutes office)
Todd Packer
There he is. Good one.

Scene 35

13 lines
Michael Scott
You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.
Jan Levinson
Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.
Michael Scott
It's... That's...
Jan Levinson
That's not my sense of humor.
Michael Scott
Okay. (to man entering office) Hello. (introduces) Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
Jan Levinson
Wha...
Michael Scott
I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
Albiny
(to camera) And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael Scott
This guy does it all.
Jan Levinson
(to Albiny) 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. (to Michael) Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.
Michael Scott
What?
Jan Levinson
Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
Michael Scott
So I'm not in trouble?

Scene 36

1 line
Michael Scott
I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.

Scene 37

3 lines
Michael Scott
Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so...
Albiny
Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.
Michael Scott
I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.

Scene 38

4 lines
Helene
Um... hello.
Pam Beesly
(ecstatic) Oh my god!
Helene
Finally made it!
Pam Beesly
Hello!

Scene 39

1 line
Pam Beesly
I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever.

Scene 40

3 lines
Helene
This is all yours?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area.
Helene
Oh, my goodness. That's great.

Scene 41

1 line
Todd Packer
So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery." She goes, "Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!" (men laugh) Boom!

Scene 42

28 lines
Pam Beesly
This is where I used to keep my computer.
Helene
Oh, right! I remember...
Pam Beesly
But then I moved it.
Helene
with the picture.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So...
Helene
Sure.
Pam Beesly
So this is like, um, an organization station...
Helene
(to Roy) Oooooh!
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Helene
Well, there he is!
Roy Anderson
How are ya?
Helene
Hi, handsome!
Roy Anderson
You look great!
Helene
Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?
Pam Beesly
Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.
Helene
Oh, I don't believe that.
Roy Anderson
Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?
Helene
Oh, anything is fine.
Roy Anderson
All right, I'll see ya.
Helene
So which one is Jim?
Pam Beesly
Mom!
Helene
I just wanted to know.
Pam Beesly
No.
Helene
All right. Okay.
Pam Beesly
Ten minutes.
Helene
Okay.
Pam Beesly
Then we can go to dinner.
Helene
I'll make myself busy.

Scene 43

23 lines
Todd Packer
There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... (points at Phyllis)
Kevin Malone
Phyllis?
Michael Scott
No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Todd Packer
Ex-squeeze me?
Michael Scott
Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.
Kevin Malone
Packer said it.
Michael Scott
No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis Vance
I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael Scott
I don't know about that.
Phyllis Vance
We're in the same High School class.
Michael Scott
Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. (to Kevin) You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin Malone
You mean where my desk is?
Michael Scott
Yes, your corner. Go.
Kevin Malone
Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.
Michael Scott
Mmmhmmm.
Todd Packer
Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?
Michael Scott
They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. (to Phyllis) C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.
Phyllis Vance
Michael! Come on!
Michael Scott
Oooh!
Phyllis Vance
You don't have to worry. I'm not going to...
Michael Scott
I'm not worried.
Phyllis Vance
...report you to HR.
Michael Scott
You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.

Scene 44

1 line
Michael Scott
Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.

Scene 45

1 line
Pam Beesly
He said what?