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Season 2 Episode 2
Sexual Harassment

Every line from The Office episode "Sexual Harassment", season 2 episode 2.

Michael Scott: (clears throat) Hey, what's up?
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: Any emails today?
Jim Halpert: Um... I don't think so.
Michael Scott: No? Um... Check your spam folder.
Jim Halpert: Oh! There it is!
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'
Michael Scott: (laughs uncontrollably)
Jim Halpert: Well done.
Michael Scott: Kay.
Jim Halpert: Topical.
Michael Scott: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.
Dwight Schrute: So the monkey does the sex thing right here! (monkey noises in background)
Michael Scott: That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational.
Dwight Schrute: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Michael Scott: Um, I...
Dwight Schrute: Consider it?
Michael Scott: Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... (muffled by jacket over his head) Whup! Come on! Hey!
Todd Packer: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? (points at self) This guy!
Michael Scott: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Todd Packer: (makes laser gun noises)
Michael Scott: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Todd Packer: bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?
Michael Scott: Uh oh.
Todd Packer: Still queer?
Michael Scott: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Michael Scott: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So...
Michael Scott: Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Todd Packer: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.
Michael Scott: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!
Todd Packer: We're talking blonde incompetent.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah.
Todd Packer: Like 10 words a minute... talking.
Michael Scott: Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.
Todd Packer: They are women, right?
Michael Scott: Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!
Todd Packer: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
Jim Halpert: Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? (points at self) This guy!
Todd Packer: Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?
Michael Scott: Oh. Bad boy. (to Ryan) Um... Ryan? (makes Donald Duck noise)
Todd Packer: (to Ryan) Come on, kid. Let's go.
Michael Scott: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Jim Halpert: Except pass that breathalyzer.
Ryan Howard: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd Packer: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
Kevin's computer: (monkey noises)
Jim Halpert: I'm really excited to meet your Mom.
Pam Beesly: You are?
Pam Beesly: My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.
Pam Beesly: I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah?
Pam Beesly: mmhmm.
Jim Halpert: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Pam Beesly: Oh really?
Jim Halpert: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
Michael Scott: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School".
Toby Flenderson: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.
Michael Scott: Um... literally two seconds?
Michael Scott: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.
Toby Flenderson: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.
Michael Scott: No, no, Toby. No.
Toby Flenderson: It's really not a big deal, Michael.
Michael Scott: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Toby Flenderson: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...
Michael Scott: What?
Toby Flenderson: Just to refresh you... .
Michael Scott: NO!
Toby Flenderson: on our policy.
Michael Scott: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?
Toby Flenderson: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Michael Scott: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.
Michael Scott: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. (to Toby) So, take it away.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.
Michael Scott: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
Michael Scott: A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake.
Michael Scott: Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. (to Warehouse guys) Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Darryl Philbin: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Michael Scott: Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
Darryl Philbin: Well, (points at Michael) those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?
Roy Anderson: Boys R Us!
Warehouse Guy: Oh!
Michael Scott: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Darryl Philbin: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
Michael Scott: Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
Roy Anderson: Hey, hey, hey.
Michael Scott: What?
Roy Anderson: So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.
Michael Scott: I don't feel bad.
Darryl Philbin: (fake whispers to Roy) I think he feels bad.
Michael Scott: No, I don't.
Roy Anderson: You look like you feel bad.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Roy Anderson: Little package!
Michael Scott: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Warehouse guy: Little package! Little package!
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Roy Anderson: You look good.
Darryl Philbin: Hiding from his momma.
Warehouse guys: (kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds)
Toby Flenderson: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?
Pam Beesly: Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today.
Kevin Malone: MILF!
Pam Beesly: Thanks, Kevin.
Pam Beesly: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.
Pam Beesly: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Toby Flenderson: Great point.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Toby Flenderson: Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.
Michael Scott: Hi, is it over?
Toby Flenderson: Uh, yes!
Michael Scott: No.
Toby Flenderson: I can go over it with you.
Michael Scott: I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.
Toby Flenderson: It's over.
Michael Scott: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?
Angela Martin: Email forwards.
Michael Scott: Exactly! Mmwwah (blows kiss to Angela)! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?
Angela Martin: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.
Michael Scott: Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?
Stanley Hudson: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now.
Meredith Palmer: Um... what about office romance?
Toby Flenderson: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
Phyllis Vance: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?
Michael Scott: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, Meredith.
Michael Scott: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: She would have definitely slept with me.
Kevin Malone: She wasn't that hot.
Michael Scott: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!
Toby Flenderson: Ok, you know, Michael...
Jim Halpert: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it.
Michael Scott: What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? (to Toby) Would that be crossing the line?
Toby Flenderson: No.
Michael Scott: What if they made out? In front of everybody?
Toby Flenderson: Well, that would be...
Michael Scott: At home? And I told everybody everything about it.
Toby Flenderson: Okay, I'm lost.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?
Video: (Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace)
Michael Scott: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?
Jim Halpert: No, thanks. I'm good.
Michael Scott: That's what she said. Pam?
Pam Beesly: Uh... my mother's coming.
Michael Scott: That's what she sai (clears throat) Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Toby.
Toby Flenderson: Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby Flenderson: Sure.
Dwight Schrute: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?
Toby Flenderson: Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.
Dwight Schrute: Good. Good. And...
Toby Flenderson: I should get back to work.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Man in Video: In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'
Video: (Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead)
Roy Anderson: Natural redhead.
Actor: Hey, Rach.
Redheaded Actress: Hey, Joe. Mike.
Actor: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?
Darryl Philbin: Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. (pointing at Redheaded Actress) I banged this girl right here. This is...
Roy Anderson: That's her?
Darryl Philbin: Yes, this is the one.
Roy Anderson: No!
Darryl Philbin: You remember? Yes!
Roy Anderson: At the party?
Warehouse guy: You banged her?
Darryl Philbin: Yes! (to video screen) Right here. You are a naughty girl!
Michael Scott: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.
Jan Levinson: (to cell phone) Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. (to Pam) Hi.
Michael Scott: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.
Todd Packer: Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.
Pam Beesly: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.
Todd Packer: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.
Michael Scott: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
Mr. O'Malley: I love lawyer jokes.
Michael Scott: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.
Michael Scott: When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
Jan Levinson: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?
Michael Scott: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.
Jan Levinson: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything.
Michael Scott: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.
Jan Levinson: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?
Michael Scott: No, I've seen the video.
Toby Flenderson: (to Jan) He talked the whole time.
Michael Scott: No, I didn't. (to Jan) Huh, what? (everyone looks up at blow-up doll)
Michael Scott: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim Halpert: Does that include 'That's What She Said'?
Michael Scott: Mmmhmm. Yes.
Jim Halpert: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael Scott: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jan Levinson: Michael. MICHAEL!
Michael Scott: (laughing) Come on.
Jan Levinson: Michael, please.
Todd Packer: There he is.
Michael Scott: Mwah! (kisses hand and salutes office)
Todd Packer: There he is. Good one.
Michael Scott: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.
Jan Levinson: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.
Michael Scott: It's... That's...
Jan Levinson: That's not my sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Okay. (to man entering office) Hello. (introduces) Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.
Jan Levinson: Wha...
Michael Scott: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.
Albiny: (to camera) And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
Michael Scott: This guy does it all.
Jan Levinson: (to Albiny) 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. (to Michael) Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan Levinson: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.
Michael Scott: So I'm not in trouble?
Michael Scott: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so...
Albiny: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.
Michael Scott: I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
Helene: Um... hello.
Pam Beesly: (ecstatic) Oh my god!
Helene: Finally made it!
Pam Beesly: Hello!
Pam Beesly: I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever.
Helene: This is all yours?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area.
Helene: Oh, my goodness. That's great.
Todd Packer: So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery." She goes, "Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!" (men laugh) Boom!
Pam Beesly: This is where I used to keep my computer.
Helene: Oh, right! I remember...
Pam Beesly: But then I moved it.
Helene: with the picture.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So...
Helene: Sure.
Pam Beesly: So this is like, um, an organization station...
Helene: (to Roy) Oooooh!
Pam Beesly: Hey!
Helene: Well, there he is!
Roy Anderson: How are ya?
Helene: Hi, handsome!
Roy Anderson: You look great!
Helene: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?
Pam Beesly: Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.
Helene: Oh, I don't believe that.
Roy Anderson: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?
Helene: Oh, anything is fine.
Roy Anderson: All right, I'll see ya.
Helene: So which one is Jim?
Pam Beesly: Mom!
Helene: I just wanted to know.
Pam Beesly: No.
Helene: All right. Okay.
Pam Beesly: Ten minutes.
Helene: Okay.
Pam Beesly: Then we can go to dinner.
Helene: I'll make myself busy.
Todd Packer: There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... (points at Phyllis)
Kevin Malone: Phyllis?
Michael Scott: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.
Todd Packer: Ex-squeeze me?
Michael Scott: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.
Kevin Malone: Packer said it.
Michael Scott: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.
Phyllis Vance: I'm the same age as you, Michael.
Michael Scott: I don't know about that.
Phyllis Vance: We're in the same High School class.
Michael Scott: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. (to Kevin) You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.
Kevin Malone: You mean where my desk is?
Michael Scott: Yes, your corner. Go.
Kevin Malone: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.
Michael Scott: Mmmhmmm.
Todd Packer: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?
Michael Scott: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. (to Phyllis) C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.
Phyllis Vance: Michael! Come on!
Michael Scott: Oooh!
Phyllis Vance: You don't have to worry. I'm not going to...
Michael Scott: I'm not worried.
Phyllis Vance: you to HR.
Michael Scott: You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.
Michael Scott: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
Pam Beesly: He said what?

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