Scene 0112 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (clears throat) Hey, what's up?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: Any emails today?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Um... I don't think so.Michael ScottOpen quote: No? Um... Check your spam folder.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh! There it is!Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughs uncontrollably)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well done.Michael ScottOpen quote: Kay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Topical.
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.
Scene 0314 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: So the monkey does the sex thing right here! (monkey noises in background)Michael ScottOpen quote: That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, I...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Consider it?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... (muffled by jacket over his head) Whup! Come on! Hey!Todd PackerOpen quote: What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? (points at self) This guy!Michael ScottOpen quote: Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!Todd PackerOpen quote: (makes laser gun noises)Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.Todd PackerOpen quote: bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh oh.Todd PackerOpen quote: Still queer?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Scene 041 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So...
Scene 0511 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.Todd PackerOpen quote: Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!Todd PackerOpen quote: We're talking blonde incompetent.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, yeah.Todd PackerOpen quote: Like 10 words a minute... talking.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.Todd PackerOpen quote: They are women, right?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!Todd PackerOpen quote: I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
Scene 061 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? (points at self) This guy!
Scene 075 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh. Bad boy. (to Ryan) Um... Ryan? (makes Donald Duck noise)Todd PackerOpen quote: (to Ryan) Come on, kid. Let's go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Except pass that breathalyzer.
Scene 082 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: You a big William Hung fan?Todd PackerOpen quote: Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
Scene 102 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I'm really excited to meet your Mom.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You are?
Scene 111 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.
Scene 126 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: mmhmm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
Scene 137 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes!Michael ScottOpen quote: Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School".Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, Toby?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um... literally two seconds?
Scene 141 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.
Scene 1512 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, Toby. No.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It's really not a big deal, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Just to refresh you... .Michael ScottOpen quote: NO!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: on our policy.Michael ScottOpen quote: What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.Michael ScottOpen quote: There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.
Scene 163 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. (to Toby) So, take it away.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.Michael ScottOpen quote: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
Scene 171 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake.
Scene 1824 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. (to Warehouse guys) Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Well, (points at Michael) those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?Roy AndersonOpen quote: Boys R Us!Warehouse GuyOpen quote: Oh!Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oooh, okay. That was still about me.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Hey, hey, hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Roy AndersonOpen quote: So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't feel bad.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: (fake whispers to Roy) I think he feels bad.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I don't.Roy AndersonOpen quote: You look like you feel bad.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Little package!Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.Warehouse guyOpen quote: Little package! Little package!Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you.Roy AndersonOpen quote: You look good.Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Hiding from his momma.Warehouse guysOpen quote: (kissing noises, sheep baaing sounds)
Scene 194 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: MILF!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Thanks, Kevin.
Scene 201 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.
Scene 2127 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Great point.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Thank you.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hi, is it over?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Uh, yes!Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I can go over it with you.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It's over.Michael ScottOpen quote: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?Angela MartinOpen quote: Email forwards.Michael ScottOpen quote: Exactly! Mmwwah (blows kiss to Angela)! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that?Angela MartinOpen quote: I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck.Michael ScottOpen quote: Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Um... what about office romance?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand?Michael ScottOpen quote: I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, Meredith.Michael ScottOpen quote: No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: She would have definitely slept with me.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: She wasn't that hot.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Ok, you know, Michael...
Scene 221 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it.
Scene 237 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? (to Toby) Would that be crossing the line?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: What if they made out? In front of everybody?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, that would be...Michael ScottOpen quote: At home? And I told everybody everything about it.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Okay, I'm lost.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam?
Scene 246 linesVideoOpen quote: (Crossing the Line: Rules for the Modern Workplace)Michael ScottOpen quote: I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, thanks. I'm good.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's what she said. Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh... my mother's coming.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's what she sai (clears throat) Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself.
Scene 255 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, Toby.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Sure.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?
Scene 261 lineToby FlendersonOpen quote: Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
Scene 274 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good. Good. And...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I should get back to work.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 2815 linesMan in VideoOpen quote: In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?'VideoOpen quote: (Scenario 1: The Natural Redhead)Roy AndersonOpen quote: Natural redhead.ActorOpen quote: Hey, Rach.Redheaded ActressOpen quote: Hey, Joe. Mike.ActorOpen quote: Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. (pointing at Redheaded Actress) I banged this girl right here. This is...Roy AndersonOpen quote: That's her?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yes, this is the one.Roy AndersonOpen quote: No!Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: You remember? Yes!Roy AndersonOpen quote: At the party?Warehouse guyOpen quote: You banged her?Darryl PhilbinOpen quote: Yes! (to video screen) Right here. You are a naughty girl!Michael ScottOpen quote: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay.
Scene 292 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: (to cell phone) Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. (to Pam) Hi.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure.
Scene 303 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks.Todd PackerOpen quote: Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.
Scene 313 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes.Mr. O'MalleyOpen quote: I love lawyer jokes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em.
Scene 321 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
Scene 338 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem?Michael ScottOpen quote: The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything.Michael ScottOpen quote: Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Do you need to see the video again, Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I've seen the video.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (to Jan) He talked the whole time.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I didn't. (to Jan) Huh, what? (everyone looks up at blow-up doll)
Scene 3411 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Does that include 'That's What She Said'?Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmmhmm. Yes.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael. MICHAEL!Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughing) Come on.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael, please.Todd PackerOpen quote: There he is.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mwah! (kisses hand and salutes office)Todd PackerOpen quote: There he is. Good one.
Scene 3513 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's... That's...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: That's not my sense of humor.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. (to man entering office) Hello. (introduces) Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Wha...Michael ScottOpen quote: I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues.AlbinyOpen quote: (to camera) And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.Michael ScottOpen quote: This guy does it all.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (to Albiny) 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. (to Michael) Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself.Michael ScottOpen quote: So I'm not in trouble?
Scene 361 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems.
Scene 373 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so...AlbinyOpen quote: Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in.
Scene 384 linesHeleneOpen quote: Um... hello.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (ecstatic) Oh my god!HeleneOpen quote: Finally made it!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hello!
Scene 391 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever.
Scene 403 linesHeleneOpen quote: This is all yours?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area.HeleneOpen quote: Oh, my goodness. That's great.
Scene 411 lineTodd PackerOpen quote: So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery." She goes, "Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!" (men laugh) Boom!
Scene 4228 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: This is where I used to keep my computer.HeleneOpen quote: Oh, right! I remember...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But then I moved it.HeleneOpen quote: with the picture.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So...HeleneOpen quote: Sure.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So this is like, um, an organization station...HeleneOpen quote: (to Roy) Oooooh!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey!HeleneOpen quote: Well, there he is!Roy AndersonOpen quote: How are ya?HeleneOpen quote: Hi, handsome!Roy AndersonOpen quote: You look great!HeleneOpen quote: Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.HeleneOpen quote: Oh, I don't believe that.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies?HeleneOpen quote: Oh, anything is fine.Roy AndersonOpen quote: All right, I'll see ya.HeleneOpen quote: So which one is Jim?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Mom!HeleneOpen quote: I just wanted to know.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No.HeleneOpen quote: All right. Okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ten minutes.HeleneOpen quote: Okay.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Then we can go to dinner.HeleneOpen quote: I'll make myself busy.
Scene 4323 linesTodd PackerOpen quote: There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... (points at Phyllis)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Phyllis?Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No, no, no. That crosses the line.Todd PackerOpen quote: Ex-squeeze me?Michael ScottOpen quote: Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Packer said it.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I'm the same age as you, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't know about that.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: We're in the same High School class.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. (to Kevin) You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: You mean where my desk is?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, your corner. Go.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway.Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmmhmmm.Todd PackerOpen quote: Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they?Michael ScottOpen quote: They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. (to Phyllis) C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Michael! Come on!Michael ScottOpen quote: Oooh!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You don't have to worry. I'm not going to...Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not worried.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: ...report you to HR.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody.
Scene 441 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.