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Season 2 Episode 20
Drug Testing

Every line from The Office episode "Drug Testing", season 2 episode 20.

Dwight Schrute: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. (Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth) Spit... Okay, come on, let's go.
Jim Halpert: You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks, girl.
Jim Halpert: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin Malone: (nods) Hey...
Dwight Schrute: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
Jim Halpert: (mimicking Stanley) I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Pam Beesly: (laughs) Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, (makes mournful face, giggles) that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.
Kelly Kapoor: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said "Is it okay if I sip it?" and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.
Dwight Schrute: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?
Kelly Kapoor: Six.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan Howard: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.
Ryan Howard: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard: What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, let's do it that way.
Michael Scott: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.
Dwight Schrute: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.
Jim Halpert: Whoa. You are a volunteer.
Dwight Schrute: I volunteered for this job.
Jim Halpert: And that's not the same.
Dwight Schrute: It is my duty...
Jim Halpert: (interrupting) Volunteer duty.
Dwight Schrute: investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
Michael Scott: (fake coughing) Narc!
Kevin Malone: (giggling)
Dwight Schrute: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Michael Scott: I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Dwight Schrute: Well, you have...
Michael Scott: Uuf, well...
Dwight Schrute: ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
Michael Scott: (shakes head) Okay...
Dwight Schrute: ...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Michael Scott: Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! (to Jim) Dude, where's my office? (Jim quietly laughs) I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Jim Halpert: Well, your office is behind you.
Michael Scott: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Ryan Howard: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any.
Dwight Schrute: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
Dwight Schrute: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Oscar Martinez: No, I have not.
Dwight Schrute: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar Martinez: What are you implying?
Dwight Schrute: Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?
Oscar Martinez: Okay. I'm done with this.
Dwight Schrute: He sure left in a hurry.
Dwight Schrute: I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
Dwight Schrute: Do you know what this is? (pushing a photo toward her)
Phyllis Vance: Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight Schrute: How do you know that?
Phyllis Vance: It's labeled.
Dwight Schrute: (grabs pictures back and looks at it) Dammit.
Creed Bratton: That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
Dwight Schrute: No, it's marijuana.
Jim Halpert: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute: I would remember.
Jim Halpert: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute: That's not how it works.
Jim Halpert: Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute: Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.
Jim Halpert: No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Dwight Schrute: (opens eyes wide in total surprise)
Oscar Martinez: So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it.
Jim Halpert: Oh, um...(mimicking Stanley) Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? (Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly)
Stanley Hudson: Is that supposed to be me?
Jim Halpert: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Stanley Hudson: I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beesly: He does everyone in the office.
Stanley Hudson: Hmmmpt.
Pam & Jim: (in unison) I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beesly: Jinx! Buy me a coke.
Jim Halpert: Oh...
Pam Beesly: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. (Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out)
Pam Beesly: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Jim Halpert: (mouths) C'mon!
Pam Beesly: Sorry, that's not my problem.
Jim Halpert: (presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face)
Dwight Schrute: I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.
Angela Martin: I understand.
Dwight Schrute: Where were you yesterday after work?
Angela Martin: (smiles knowingly)
Michael Scott: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
Kevin Malone: That is so good, Michael
Michael Scott: Remember the narc bit? (laughs) Uh-oh, who's in trouble?
Dwight Schrute: Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine.
Michael Scott: Waa... what? What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
Oscar Martinez: Is that true, Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.
Michael Scott: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.
Michael Scott: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight Schrute: No you can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can do that, it is my office.
Dwight Schrute: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine.
Michael Scott: Hmmm. Ha. (under his breath) Alright. Great.
Dwight Schrute: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?
Kevin Malone: I'm not taking Rogaine.
Dwight Schrute: Angela, what about you?
Angela Martin: I don't take any prescription drugs.
Dwight Schrute: You're not on anything?
Angela Martin: (Gives Dwight a knowing look)
Dwight Schrute: Good.
Kelly Kapoor: So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! (Jim hunches his shoulders and grins) One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. (Jim shakes his head no in agreement) I mean not everything, Jim. (Jim shakes his head in agreement) I promise, I'm not that kind of...
Pam Beesly: Hey guys, what's going on?
Kelly Kapoor: We're having the best conversation. (Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no)
Pam Beesly: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. (Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly) But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. (Jim nods his head as if to say, "Gee, thanks, Pam.")
Kelly Kapoor: So, I was looking so hot...
Michael Scott: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
Phyllis Vance: We don't feel that way.
Angela Martin: No, not at all.
Oscar Martinez: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.
Michael Scott: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs."
Dwight Schrute: Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott: I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.
Michael Scott: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Stanley Hudson: Where did you get these facts?
Michael Scott: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Stanley Hudson: They are not.
Michael Scott: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley Hudson: No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.
Michael Scott: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby Flenderson: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes it is.
Toby Flenderson: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? (Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad) In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby Flenderson: You can't do that.
Michael Scott: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby Flenderson: That's not random.
Michael Scott: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.
Pam Beesly: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Michael Scott: Really? (Jim shakes his head no)
Pam Beesly: Uh, hmmm.
Michael Scott: Jim it's okay. You can t... (Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story) This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. (Jim shakes his head no) It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. (Jim stands up) Oh, he's doing it, okay. (Jim looks at Pam) It's okay. (Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.) Oh. Okay, are you sure? (Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder) That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. (Pam nods in admiration at Jim) Okay, well.
Pam Beesly: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.
Michael Scott: The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.
Dwight Schrute: No, you will be tested.
Michael Scott: Yes, I will not be.
Dwight Schrute: You will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Michael Scott: Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight Schrute: Mine was green.
Linda: Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight Schrute: I'm all better.
Michael Scott: So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Dwight Schrute: What kind of filing?
Michael Scott: Just forget it. Just the urine.
Dwight Schrute: That goes directly to the tester.
Michael Scott: Just. I need your urine.
Dwight Schrute: Like in a cup?
Michael Scott: Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: For what purpose?
Michael Scott: It's none of your business.
Dwight Schrute: Then I refuse.
Michael Scott: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.
Dwight Schrute: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: I need clean urine for the lady.
Dwight Schrute: But that's illegal.
Michael Scott: Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes
Dwight Schrute: Not my urine.
Michael Scott: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.
Dwight Schrute: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
Michael Scott: No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup.
Angela Martin: Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight Schrute: I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela Martin: You're not going to get my permission on this.
Dwight Schrute: I know that. Don't you think I know that?
Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Ryan Howard: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Ryan Howard: Yeah. Maybe.
Dwight Schrute: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.
Pam Beesly: What? (Jim shakes his head) Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. (Jim shakes his head no) You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. (Jim smiles) Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. (Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means)
Kevin Malone: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin Malone: I'd still like one.
Michael Scott: Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.
Dwight Schrute: That's great.
Michael Scott: What's wrong? Where's your costume?
Dwight Schrute: It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Michael Scott: Why? Wha...
Dwight Schrute: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.
Pam Beesly: (placing a coke can in front of Jim) Here. (Jim looks confused) Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. (Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam)
Jim Halpert: Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: How much time do you have left on your break?
Pam Beesly: Ten minutes.
Michael Scott: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes, sir.
Dwight Schrute: That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked .
Michael Scott: So you wanna? Thanks.
Hank Tate: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Hank Tate: Here's your badge.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. (To Hank) Can I have a gun?
Hank Tate: No, I don't have a gun.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff.
Hank Tate: I don't think so.
Michael Scott: Good.
Dwight Schrute: (salutes) Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott: No. Oh. Uh...(awkwardly salutes)
Dwight Schrute: I need to go over some details with you.
Michael Scott: Alright. (to Hank) Well, Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?
Hank Tate: Two.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, God.
Jim Halpert: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 20 season 2. Drug Testing is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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