Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Drug Testing

Vol. 2 · Issue 20Scranton, PA

Dwight Schrute is on the hunt for a parking lot culprit, and you can follow every interrogation right here. Every line from the episode is included, from Michael's Alicia Keys concert confession to Jim's silent struggle during the jinx. It's the best way to catch all those classic Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy quotes without missing a beat.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. (Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth) Spit... Okay, come on, let's go.

Scene 02

2 lines
Jim Halpert
You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks, girl.

Scene 03

1 line
Jim Halpert
So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.

Scene 04

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin Malone
(nods) Hey...

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.

Scene 06

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(mimicking Stanley) I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Pam Beesly
(laughs) Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, (makes mournful face, giggles) that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.

Scene 07

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said "Is it okay if I sip it?" and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.
Dwight Schrute
Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?
Kelly Kapoor
Six.

Scene 08

28 lines
Dwight Schrute
I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan Howard
I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.
Ryan Howard
I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight Schrute
Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan Howard
What's the hard way?
Dwight Schrute
I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, let's do it that way.
Michael Scott
Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.
Dwight Schrute
I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.
Jim Halpert
Whoa. You are a volunteer.
Dwight Schrute
I volunteered for this job.
Jim Halpert
And that's not the same.
Dwight Schrute
It is my duty...
Jim Halpert
(interrupting) Volunteer duty.
Dwight Schrute
...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
Michael Scott
(fake coughing) Narc!
Kevin Malone
(giggling)
Dwight Schrute
If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Michael Scott
I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Dwight Schrute
Well, you have...
Michael Scott
Uuf, well...
Dwight Schrute
...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
Michael Scott
(shakes head) Okay...
Dwight Schrute
...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Michael Scott
Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! (to Jim) Dude, where's my office? (Jim quietly laughs) I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Jim Halpert
Well, your office is behind you.
Michael Scott
Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?

Scene 09

1 line
Ryan Howard
I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any.

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.

Scene 11

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Oscar Martinez
No, I have not.
Dwight Schrute
Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Oscar Martinez
What are you implying?
Dwight Schrute
Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?
Oscar Martinez
Okay. I'm done with this.
Dwight Schrute
He sure left in a hurry.

Scene 12

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.

Scene 13

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Do you know what this is? (pushing a photo toward her)
Phyllis Vance
Yes, it's marijuana.
Dwight Schrute
How do you know that?
Phyllis Vance
It's labeled.
Dwight Schrute
(grabs pictures back and looks at it) Dammit.

Scene 14

2 lines
Creed Bratton
That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
Dwight Schrute
No, it's marijuana.

Scene 15

10 lines
Jim Halpert
I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you.
Dwight Schrute
That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.
Jim Halpert
Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Dwight Schrute
I would remember.
Jim Halpert
Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight Schrute
That's not how it works.
Jim Halpert
Now how do you know how it works?
Dwight Schrute
Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.
Jim Halpert
No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Dwight Schrute
(opens eyes wide in total surprise)

Scene 16

15 lines
Oscar Martinez
So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it.
Jim Halpert
Oh, um...(mimicking Stanley) Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? (Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly)
Stanley Hudson
Is that supposed to be me?
Jim Halpert
Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Stanley Hudson
I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beesly
He does everyone in the office.
Stanley Hudson
Hmmmpt.
Pam & Jim
(in unison) I do not think that is funny.
Pam Beesly
Jinx! Buy me a coke.
Jim Halpert
Oh...
Pam Beesly
No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. (Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out)
Pam Beesly
Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Jim Halpert
(mouths) C'mon!
Pam Beesly
Sorry, that's not my problem.
Jim Halpert
(presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face)

Scene 17

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.
Angela Martin
I understand.
Dwight Schrute
Where were you yesterday after work?
Angela Martin
(smiles knowingly)

Scene 18

3 lines
Michael Scott
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
Kevin Malone
That is so good, Michael
Michael Scott
Remember the narc bit? (laughs) Uh-oh, who's in trouble?

Scene 19

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine.
Michael Scott
Waa... what? What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute
Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
Oscar Martinez
Is that true, Toby?
Toby Flenderson
Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.

Scene 21

5 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Dwight Schrute
No you can't do that.
Michael Scott
I can do that, it is my office.
Dwight Schrute
No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine.
Michael Scott
Hmmm. Ha. (under his breath) Alright. Great.

Scene 22

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?
Kevin Malone
I'm not taking Rogaine.
Dwight Schrute
Angela, what about you?
Angela Martin
I don't take any prescription drugs.
Dwight Schrute
You're not on anything?
Angela Martin
(Gives Dwight a knowing look)
Dwight Schrute
Good.

Scene 23

5 lines
Kelly Kapoor
So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! (Jim hunches his shoulders and grins) One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. (Jim shakes his head no in agreement) I mean not everything, Jim. (Jim shakes his head in agreement) I promise, I'm not that kind of...
Pam Beesly
Hey guys, what's going on?
Kelly Kapoor
We're having the best conversation. (Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no)
Pam Beesly
Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. (Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly) But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. (Jim nods his head as if to say, "Gee, thanks, Pam.")
Kelly Kapoor
So, I was looking so hot...

Scene 24

6 lines
Michael Scott
It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.
Phyllis Vance
We don't feel that way.
Angela Martin
No, not at all.
Oscar Martinez
You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.
Michael Scott
No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs."
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Michael.

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.

Scene 26

19 lines
Michael Scott
Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.
Stanley Hudson
Where did you get these facts?
Michael Scott
Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?
Stanley Hudson
They are not.
Michael Scott
Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?
Stanley Hudson
No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.
Michael Scott
Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?
Toby Flenderson
Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes it is.
Toby Flenderson
No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Michael Scott
Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? (Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad) In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby Flenderson
You can't do that.
Michael Scott
I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby Flenderson
That's not random.
Michael Scott
Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.
Pam Beesly
I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.
Michael Scott
Really? (Jim shakes his head no)
Pam Beesly
Uh, hmmm.
Michael Scott
Jim it's okay. You can t... (Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story) This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. (Jim shakes his head no) It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. (Jim stands up) Oh, he's doing it, okay. (Jim looks at Pam) It's okay. (Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.) Oh. Okay, are you sure? (Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder) That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. (Pam nods in admiration at Jim) Okay, well.

Scene 27

1 line
Pam Beesly
Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.

Scene 28

5 lines
Michael Scott
The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.
Dwight Schrute
No, you will be tested.
Michael Scott
Yes, I will not be.
Dwight Schrute
You will be. That is the law according to the rules.
Michael Scott
Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.

Scene 29

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.
Linda
We test a lot of urine.
Dwight Schrute
Mine was green.
Linda
Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight Schrute
I'm all better.

Scene 30

19 lines
Michael Scott
So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.
Dwight Schrute
What kind of filing?
Michael Scott
Just forget it. Just the urine.
Dwight Schrute
That goes directly to the tester.
Michael Scott
Just. I need your urine.
Dwight Schrute
Like in a cup?
Michael Scott
Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
For what purpose?
Michael Scott
It's none of your business.
Dwight Schrute
Then I refuse.
Michael Scott
Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.
Dwight Schrute
Are you serious?
Michael Scott
I need clean urine for the lady.
Dwight Schrute
But that's illegal.
Michael Scott
Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes
Dwight Schrute
Not my urine.
Michael Scott
A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.
Dwight Schrute
Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?
Michael Scott
No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup.

Scene 31

4 lines
Angela Martin
Do you want to give Michael your urine?
Dwight Schrute
I want him to have all the urine he needs.
Angela Martin
You're not going to get my permission on this.
Dwight Schrute
I know that. Don't you think I know that?

Scene 32

4 lines
Linda
Yeah, we do testing all over the country.
Ryan Howard
Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?
Linda
You want to work at the urinalysis lab?
Ryan Howard
Yeah. Maybe.

Scene 33

1 line
Dwight Schrute
My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.

Scene 34

1 line
Pam Beesly
What? (Jim shakes his head) Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. (Jim shakes his head no) You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. (Jim smiles) Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. (Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means)

Scene 35

3 lines
Kevin Malone
I'd like a magazine.
Linda
We just need urine, sir.
Kevin Malone
I'd still like one.

Scene 36

6 lines
Michael Scott
Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.
Dwight Schrute
That's great.
Michael Scott
What's wrong? Where's your costume?
Dwight Schrute
It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.
Michael Scott
Why? Wha...
Dwight Schrute
I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.

Scene 37

5 lines
Pam Beesly
(placing a coke can in front of Jim) Here. (Jim looks confused) Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. (Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam)
Jim Halpert
Hi.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
How much time do you have left on your break?
Pam Beesly
Ten minutes.

Scene 38

20 lines
Michael Scott
Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Michael Scott
Yes, sir.
Dwight Schrute
That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked .
Michael Scott
So you wanna? Thanks.
Hank Tate
Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Hank Tate
Here's your badge.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. (To Hank) Can I have a gun?
Hank Tate
No, I don't have a gun.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff.
Hank Tate
I don't think so.
Michael Scott
Good.
Dwight Schrute
(salutes) Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott
No. Oh. Uh...(awkwardly salutes)
Dwight Schrute
I need to go over some details with you.
Michael Scott
Alright. (to Hank) Well, Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?
Hank Tate
Two.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, God.

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?