Scene 011 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. (Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he's eating into his mouth) Spit... Okay, come on, let's go.
Scene 022 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You look cute today, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thanks, girl.
Scene 031 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
Scene 042 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (nods) Hey...
Scene 051 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
Scene 062 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (mimicking Stanley) I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (laughs) Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, (makes mournful face, giggles) that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.
Scene 073 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said "Is it okay if I sip it?" and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Six.
Scene 0828 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I go to a lot of parties.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I am not giving you my keys.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't make me do this the hard way.Ryan HowardOpen quote: What's the hard way?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, let's do it that way.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Whoa. You are a volunteer.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I volunteered for this job.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And that's not the same.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It is my duty...Jim HalpertOpen quote: (interrupting) Volunteer duty.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.Michael ScottOpen quote: (fake coughing) Narc!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (giggling)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.Michael ScottOpen quote: I wasn't attempting to compliment you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, you have...Michael ScottOpen quote: Uuf, well...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...Michael ScottOpen quote: (shakes head) Okay...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...and I am very proud of being a narc.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! (to Jim) Dude, where's my office? (Jim quietly laughs) I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, your office is behind you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Scene 091 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any.
Scene 101 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
Scene 117 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: No, I have not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: What are you implying?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Okay. I'm done with this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He sure left in a hurry.
Scene 121 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
Scene 135 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you know what this is? (pushing a photo toward her)Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Yes, it's marijuana.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: How do you know that?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: It's labeled.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (grabs pictures back and looks at it) Dammit.
Scene 142 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, it's marijuana.
Scene 1510 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I would remember.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's not how it works.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Now how do you know how it works?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (opens eyes wide in total surprise)
Scene 1615 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, um...(mimicking Stanley) Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? (Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Is that supposed to be me?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I do not think that is funny.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He does everyone in the office.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Hmmmpt.Pam & JimOpen quote: (in unison) I do not think that is funny.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Jinx! Buy me a coke.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. (Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (mouths) C'mon!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sorry, that's not my problem.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face)
Scene 174 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.Angela MartinOpen quote: I understand.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Where were you yesterday after work?Angela MartinOpen quote: (smiles knowingly)
Scene 183 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: That is so good, MichaelMichael ScottOpen quote: Remember the narc bit? (laughs) Uh-oh, who's in trouble?
Scene 195 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine.Michael ScottOpen quote: Waa... what? What are you talking about?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Is that true, Toby?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.
Scene 201 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.
Scene 215 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No you can't do that.Michael ScottOpen quote: I can do that, it is my office.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hmmm. Ha. (under his breath) Alright. Great.
Scene 227 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I'm not taking Rogaine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Angela, what about you?Angela MartinOpen quote: I don't take any prescription drugs.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You're not on anything?Angela MartinOpen quote: (Gives Dwight a knowing look)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good.
Scene 235 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! (Jim hunches his shoulders and grins) One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. (Jim shakes his head no in agreement) I mean not everything, Jim. (Jim shakes his head in agreement) I promise, I'm not that kind of...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey guys, what's going on?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: We're having the best conversation. (Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. (Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly) But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. (Jim nods his head as if to say, "Gee, thanks, Pam.")Kelly KapoorOpen quote: So, I was looking so hot...
Scene 246 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: We don't feel that way.Angela MartinOpen quote: No, not at all.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs."Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you, Michael.
Scene 251 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.
Scene 2619 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Where did you get these facts?Michael ScottOpen quote: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: They are not.Michael ScottOpen quote: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes it is.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? (Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad) In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: You can't do that.Michael ScottOpen quote: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: That's not random.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? (Jim shakes his head no)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh, hmmm.Michael ScottOpen quote: Jim it's okay. You can t... (Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story) This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. (Jim shakes his head no) It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. (Jim stands up) Oh, he's doing it, okay. (Jim looks at Pam) It's okay. (Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths "I can't" and sits back down. Pam is amazed.) Oh. Okay, are you sure? (Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder) That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. (Pam nods in admiration at Jim) Okay, well.
Scene 271 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.
Scene 285 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, you will be tested.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, I will not be.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You will be. That is the law according to the rules.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.
Scene 295 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.LindaOpen quote: We test a lot of urine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mine was green.LindaOpen quote: Oh, right. How are you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm all better.
Scene 3019 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What kind of filing?Michael ScottOpen quote: Just forget it. Just the urine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That goes directly to the tester.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just. I need your urine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Like in a cup?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: For what purpose?Michael ScottOpen quote: It's none of your business.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Then I refuse.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Are you serious?Michael ScottOpen quote: I need clean urine for the lady.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But that's illegal.Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Not my urine.Michael ScottOpen quote: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup.
Scene 314 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Do you want to give Michael your urine?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I want him to have all the urine he needs.Angela MartinOpen quote: You're not going to get my permission on this.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know that. Don't you think I know that?
Scene 324 linesLindaOpen quote: Yeah, we do testing all over the country.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?LindaOpen quote: You want to work at the urinalysis lab?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah. Maybe.
Scene 331 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.
Scene 341 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: What? (Jim shakes his head) Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. (Jim shakes his head no) You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. (Jim smiles) Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. (Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means)
Scene 353 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: I'd like a magazine.LindaOpen quote: We just need urine, sir.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: I'd still like one.
Scene 366 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's great.Michael ScottOpen quote: What's wrong? Where's your costume?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why? Wha...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.
Scene 375 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (placing a coke can in front of Jim) Here. (Jim looks confused) Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. (Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hi.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: How much time do you have left on your break?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ten minutes.
Scene 3820 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, sir.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked .Michael ScottOpen quote: So you wanna? Thanks.Hank TateOpen quote: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.Hank TateOpen quote: Here's your badge.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. (To Hank) Can I have a gun?Hank TateOpen quote: No, I don't have a gun.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff.Hank TateOpen quote: I don't think so.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (salutes) Thank you, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. Oh. Uh...(awkwardly salutes)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I need to go over some details with you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright. (to Hank) Well, Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?Hank TateOpen quote: Two.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, God.
Scene 391 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?