Every line from The Office episode "Conflict Resolution", season 2 episode 21.
Phyllis Vance: Uh, on or off?
Phyllis Vance: Okay... (removes glasses)
Dwight Schrute: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis Vance: (leaving the room) Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute: Clown paint.
Michael Scott: That's a nice tie.
Michael Scott: That is... who makes that?
Ryan Howard: Um, I don't...
Michael Scott: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Ryan Howard: Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes.
Oscar Martinez: It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed...
Michael Scott: (walking into the Conference room) What's the dealio?
Toby Flenderson: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today.
Michael Scott: What's the problem?
Toby Flenderson: It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.
Oscar Martinez: Since Christmas.
Michael Scott: So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Toby Flenderson: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?
Toby Flenderson: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.
Toby Flenderson: These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Toby Flenderson: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.
Michael Scott: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Michael Scott: Okay... what?
Toby Flenderson: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. (leans over to Pam) Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?
Michael Scott: (holding up a binder) A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.(in a comedic voice) My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
Angela Martin: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.
Oscar Martinez: What's the next one?
Michael Scott: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?
Angela Martin: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?
Michael Scott: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.
Michael Scott: (in front of poster) Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela Martin: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Come on, seriously, that?
Oscar Martinez: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the...
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.
Angela Martin: That's... no...
Michael Scott: Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Angela Martin: How about, I leave it up?
Oscar Martinez: How 'bout, she takes it down?
Pam Beesly: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Michael Scott: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.
Angela Martin: But, it...
Michael Scott: (claps his hands twice) It is done!
Toby Flenderson: You solved it?
Toby Flenderson: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. (shuffles through papers)
Michael Scott: Are those all the other complains?
Michael Scott: I would like to see those please.
Toby Flenderson: I... I can't do that.
Michael Scott: You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Toby Flenderson: That... (shakes head and places hand over the file)
Michael Scott: Okay. (yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance) There! No more conflict. (looks at the camera) I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. (looks back at Toby) All right... is that it?
Toby Flenderson: (sighs and pulls out a box under his desk) It's all Dwight's.
Photographer: Are you sure? (looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, he's sure. Just shoot.
Photographer: (shoots twice)
Michael Scott: How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? (looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands) And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? (employees mumble "merely listen to and forgotten..." ) That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... (sighs) Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
Angela Martin: You already did me.
Michael Scott: That's what she said. (Jim mouths these words along with Michael) The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off.
Michael Scott: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?
Pam Beesly: (notices Angela's intense concern) Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?
Michael Scott: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And (looks through the file)... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.
Pam Beesly: Wait, what did it say?
Michael Scott: Uh... (reading)"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" (Pam looks Angela an angry look) Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?
Michael Scott: Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club.
Ryan Howard: My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes...
Kelly Kapoor: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.
Toby Flenderson: To your HR representative.
Kelly Kapoor: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.
Toby Flenderson: Fine, I'll take your name off. (looks at Michael) So no one will know.
Michael Scott: (crumbles up the complaint paper) Makin' progress. (Jim raises his hand) Yes?
Jim Halpert: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Jim Halpert: And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight Schrute: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, question. (looks at Toby) When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?
Michael Scott: Stanley. (off camera)
Pam Beesly: (gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her) Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!
Michael Scott: (still of camera) You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Angela Martin: I didn't do it! (Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible)
Pam Beesly: I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.
Michael Scott: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley Hudson: I didn't say that.
Creed Bratton: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? (Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.)
Michael Scott: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.
Phyllis Vance: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.
Michael Scott: And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.
Phyllis Vance: Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley Hudson: We sit close.
Pam Beesly: I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby.
Jim Halpert: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends.
Pam Beesly: Don't take her side.
Jim Halpert: (sighs) Well, what does Roy think about everything?
Pam Beesly: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim Halpert: You mean your thoughts and feelings?
Phyllis Vance: I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.
Angela Martin: Yes, that's the problem.
Phyllis Vance: I guess so...
Michael Scott: Okay, well... all settled, then.
Phyllis Vance: (whispering to Angela) I don't like you.
Jim Halpert: Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together.
Dwight Schrute: That doesn't make any sense.
Jim Halpert: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect.
Photographer: (to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera) Smile.
Jim Halpert: This came out really well. (picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight) There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat...
Dwight Schrute: And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'.
Jim Halpert: What did I write?
Phyllis Vance: But I didn't report your snoring-
Stanley Hudson: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... (Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box)
Michael Scott: Uh. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.
Michael Scott: Okay! Calm down.
Dwight Schrute: No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?
Dwight Schrute: Him or me?
Dwight Schrute: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Dwight Schrute: Either he goes, or I go.
Dwight Schrute: You choose!
Dwight Schrute: One of us is out of here by the end of today! (runs out)
Michael Scott: Oh... kay...
Dwight Schrute: I am not bluffing!
Dwight Schrute: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.
Dwight Schrute: I deserve this. You know I do!
Michael Scott: (picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers) You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?
Dwight Schrute: You have till five.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!
Michael Scott: Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!
Jim Halpert: Maybe Stanford would be cool.
Dwight Schrute: It's a good market. Higher volume.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Dwight Schrute: I have a girlfriend...
Jim Halpert: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.
Michael Scott: Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.
Dwight Schrute: So, you going to transfer Jim or not?
Michael Scott: Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.
Dwight Schrute: I want an answer by tomorrow.
Michael Scott: Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?
Photographer: I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
Michael Scott: Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?
Photographer: You mean digital?
Michael Scott: It'll take like two seconds.
Michael Scott: Ugh... All right. Everybody, (looks around at the employees) come on. Group photo for the newsletter.
Stanley Hudson: You gotta be kiddin' me.
Michael Scott: Come on, everybody.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.
Photographer: One, two, three... smile. (camera flashes, but no one smiles) Try to smile.
Michael Scott: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Photographer: Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. (camera flashes)
Michael Scott: Good, let's check that out. (looks at preview screen) Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.
Photographer: That'll be another 20.
Pam Beesly: Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Michael Scott: (off camera) You just press the button.
Pam Beesly: (looks at to Jim) I am. (looks at Angela) It's about the Save The Date.
Jim Halpert: Pam, it wasn't her.
Jim Halpert: I'm the one who complained about you.
Jim Halpert: I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. (the camera flashes) I was just venting.
Michael Scott: (off camera) Okay, good. Check that out.
Jim Halpert: You know, it was one day.
Michael Scott: (off camera) That's terrible.
Jim Halpert: And I took it right back. It was like...
Michael Scott: (off camera) Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. (rejoins the group, on camera) Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. (flash goes off before he sits down)
Jim Halpert: (on Pam's answering machine) Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. (camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office)
Female worker: Okay, Jan will see you now.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 21 season 2. Conflict Resolution is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.