Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Conflict Resolution

Vol. 2 · Issue 21Scranton, PA

Michael decides he's better at HR than Toby, leading to the public reading of every private grievance in the office. You'll find the full script and every quote right here, including the breakdown of Jim's most famous pranks on Dwight. It’s the perfect place to see how the 'Win-Win-Win' strategy actually works out in the wild.

Scene 01

3 lines
Kevin Malone
So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet?
Pam Beesly
No.
Kevin Malone
'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.

Scene 03

6 lines
Phyllis Vance
Oh I got the 'Save The Date'.
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, pretty stationery.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thanks!
Angela Martin
I didn't get mine yet.
Pam Beesly
Uh...

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.

Scene 06

6 lines
Phyllis Vance
Uh, on or off?
I.D. Photographer
Off.
Phyllis Vance
Okay... (removes glasses)
Dwight Schrute
Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis Vance
(leaving the room) Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute
Clown paint.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Scene 08

6 lines
Michael Scott
That's a nice tie.
Ryan Howard
Thank you.
Michael Scott
That is... who makes that?
Ryan Howard
Um, I don't...
Michael Scott
Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Ryan Howard
Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes.

Scene 09

11 lines
Oscar Martinez
It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed...
Michael Scott
(walking into the Conference room) What's the dealio?
Toby Flenderson
Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today.
Michael Scott
What's the problem?
Oscar Martinez
Angela!
Toby Flenderson
It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.
Oscar Martinez
Since Christmas.
Michael Scott
So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Oscar Martinez
No.
Toby Flenderson
Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?
Michael Scott
Yes.

Scene 10

10 lines
Toby Flenderson
Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Toby Flenderson
These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Toby Flenderson
It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.
Michael Scott
What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Toby Flenderson
Okay.
Michael Scott
Okay... what?
Toby Flenderson
That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. (leans over to Pam) Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?

Scene 11

7 lines
Michael Scott
(holding up a binder) A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.(in a comedic voice) My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
Angela Martin
Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott
No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.
Oscar Martinez
What's the next one?
Michael Scott
Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?
Angela Martin
Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?
Michael Scott
Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.

Scene 12

19 lines
Michael Scott
(in front of poster) Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela Martin
I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael Scott
Come on, seriously, that?
Oscar Martinez
I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the...
Michael Scott
Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.
Pam Beesly
Win!
Michael Scott
Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.
Oscar Martinez
No.
Angela Martin
That's... no...
Michael Scott
Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Angela Martin
How about, I leave it up?
Oscar Martinez
How 'bout, she takes it down?
Pam Beesly
How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Michael Scott
Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.
Pam Beesly
Win.
Oscar Martinez
Fine.
Angela Martin
But, it...
Michael Scott
(claps his hands twice) It is done!
Pam Beesly
Win

Scene 13

2 lines
Photographer
(snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot) No, you're all good.
Creed Bratton
Great. (gets up and leaves)

Scene 14

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Angela.(hands her a Save The Date card) I didn't have your zip code.
Angela Martin
Oh. Thanks.

Scene 15

1 line
Angela Martin
It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste.

Scene 16

11 lines
Toby Flenderson
You solved it?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Toby Flenderson
Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. (shuffles through papers)
Michael Scott
Are those all the other complains?
Toby Flenderson
Mmm-Hm.
Michael Scott
I would like to see those please.
Toby Flenderson
I... I can't do that.
Michael Scott
You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Toby Flenderson
That... (shakes head and places hand over the file)
Michael Scott
Okay. (yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance) There! No more conflict. (looks at the camera) I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. (looks back at Toby) All right... is that it?
Toby Flenderson
(sighs and pulls out a box under his desk) It's all Dwight's.

Scene 17

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?

Scene 19

3 lines
Photographer
Are you sure? (looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest)
Dwight Schrute
Oh, he's sure. Just shoot.
Photographer
(shoots twice)

Scene 20

3 lines
Michael Scott
(looking through papers in the complaint box) This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam Beesly
Nice.
Michael Scott
You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.

Scene 21

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This (unlocks a drawer)is January through March of this year. (pulls out a fairly large folder)

Scene 22

10 lines
Michael Scott
How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? (looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands) And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? (employees mumble "merely listen to and forgotten..." ) That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... (sighs) Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
Angela Martin
You already did me.
Michael Scott
That's what she said. (Jim mouths these words along with Michael) The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ?
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off.
Michael Scott
Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.
Dwight Schrute
Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?
Pam Beesly
(notices Angela's intense concern) Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?
Michael Scott
All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And (looks through the file)... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.
Pam Beesly
Wait, what did it say?
Michael Scott
Uh... (reading)"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" (Pam looks Angela an angry look) Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?

Scene 23

1 line
Pam Beesly
I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?!

Scene 24

14 lines
Michael Scott
Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club.
Ryan Howard
My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes...
Kelly Kapoor
I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.
Toby Flenderson
To your HR representative.
Kelly Kapoor
To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.
Toby Flenderson
Fine, I'll take your name off. (looks at Michael) So no one will know.
Michael Scott
(crumbles up the complaint paper) Makin' progress. (Jim raises his hand) Yes?
Jim Halpert
Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael Scott
What?!
Jim Halpert
And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight Schrute
That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim Halpert
Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, question. (looks at Toby) When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?
Toby Flenderson
Sure.

Scene 25

5 lines
Michael Scott
Stanley. (off camera)
Pam Beesly
(gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her) Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!
Michael Scott
(still of camera) You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Angela Martin
I didn't do it! (Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible)
Pam Beesly
I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.

Scene 26

9 lines
Michael Scott
Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley Hudson
I didn't say that.
Creed Bratton
Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? (Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.)
Michael Scott
Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.
Phyllis Vance
No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.
Michael Scott
And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.
Phyllis Vance
Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley Hudson
We sit close.
Michael Scott
Oh... ok.

Scene 27

1 line
Toby Flenderson
(sits down for his ID picture) Just take it. (flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again)

Scene 28

8 lines
Pam Beesly
I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby.
Jim Halpert
Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends.
Pam Beesly
Don't take her side.
Jim Halpert
(sighs) Well, what does Roy think about everything?
Pam Beesly
I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim Halpert
You mean your thoughts and feelings?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Yeah...

Scene 29

5 lines
Phyllis Vance
I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.
Angela Martin
Yes, that's the problem.
Phyllis Vance
I guess so...
Michael Scott
Okay, well... all settled, then.
Phyllis Vance
(whispering to Angela) I don't like you.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?

Scene 31

1 line
Creed Bratton
I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death.

Scene 32

2 lines
Michael Scott
All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.
Kevin Malone
I accept your decision!

Scene 33

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together.
Dwight Schrute
That doesn't make any sense.
Jim Halpert
Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect.
Photographer
(to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera) Smile.
Dwight Schrute
No.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Scene 35

5 lines
Jim Halpert
This came out really well. (picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight) There you go.
Dwight Schrute
This is humongous. I am not a security threat...
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Dwight Schrute
And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'.
Jim Halpert
What did I write?

Scene 36

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file.
Toby Flenderson
Talk to Michael. I gave him the box.
Dwight Schrute
What box?!

Scene 37

17 lines
Phyllis Vance
But I didn't report your snoring-
Stanley Hudson
Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... (Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box)
Michael Scott
Uh. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.
Michael Scott
Okay! Calm down.
Dwight Schrute
No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?
Michael Scott
Hey, hey!
Dwight Schrute
Him or me?
Michael Scott
Stop.
Dwight Schrute
Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Michael Scott
Okay...
Dwight Schrute
Either he goes, or I go.
Michael Scott
Dwight...
Dwight Schrute
You choose!
Michael Scott
Stop...
Dwight Schrute
One of us is out of here by the end of today! (runs out)
Michael Scott
Oh... kay...

Scene 38

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
I am not bluffing!
Michael Scott
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Okay?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
I deserve this. You know I do!
Michael Scott
(picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers) You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?
Dwight Schrute
You have till five.

Scene 39

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!
Michael Scott
Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - (reads from complaint paper) "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." (flips to another paper) "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."

Scene 42

1 line
Jim Halpert
(laughs) Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
(reading) "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." (flips to another paper) "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."

Scene 44

1 line
Jim Halpert
That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.

Scene 45

1 line
Michael Scott
(reading) "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."

Scene 46

1 line
Jim Halpert
Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.

Scene 47

1 line
Michael Scott
"By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."

Scene 48

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.

Scene 49

1 line
Michael Scott
The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.

Scene 50

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Maybe Stanford would be cool.
Dwight Schrute
It's a good market. Higher volume.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Dwight Schrute
I have a girlfriend...
Jim Halpert
Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.

Scene 51

4 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.
Dwight Schrute
So, you going to transfer Jim or not?
Michael Scott
Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.
Dwight Schrute
I want an answer by tomorrow.

Scene 52

3 lines
Michael Scott
Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?
Dwight Schrute
Fine.
Michael Scott
Good. Okay.

Scene 53

10 lines
Michael Scott
Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?
Photographer
I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
Michael Scott
Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?
Photographer
You mean digital?
Michael Scott
It'll take like two seconds.
Photographer
20 bucks.
Michael Scott
Ugh... All right. Everybody, (looks around at the employees) come on. Group photo for the newsletter.
Stanley Hudson
You gotta be kiddin' me.
Michael Scott
Come on, everybody.
Dwight Schrute
Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.

Scene 54

22 lines
Photographer
One, two, three... smile. (camera flashes, but no one smiles) Try to smile.
Michael Scott
We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Photographer
Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. (camera flashes)
Michael Scott
Good, let's check that out. (looks at preview screen) Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.
Photographer
That'll be another 20.
Michael Scott
What?
Pam Beesly
Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Michael Scott
(off camera) You just press the button.
Angela Martin
What?
Jim Halpert
No, Pam.
Pam Beesly
(looks at to Jim) I am. (looks at Angela) It's about the Save The Date.
Jim Halpert
Pam, it wasn't her.
Pam Beesly
What?!
Jim Halpert
I'm the one who complained about you.
Jim Halpert
I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. (the camera flashes) I was just venting.
Michael Scott
(off camera) Okay, good. Check that out.
Jim Halpert
You know, it was one day.
Michael Scott
(off camera) That's terrible.
Jim Halpert
And I took it right back. It was like...
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, dear.
Michael Scott
(off camera) Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. (rejoins the group, on camera) Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. (flash goes off before he sits down)

Scene 55

1 line
Michael Scott
It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.

Scene 56

1 line
Michael Scott
(flashback the photo being taken) One, two..(flash goes off) Didn't say three, did I?

Scene 57

1 line
Michael Scott
But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.

Scene 58

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(on Pam's answering machine) Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. (camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office)
Female worker
Okay, Jan will see you now.
Jim Halpert
Oh, thanks.

Scene 59

1 line
Michael Scott
And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.