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Season 2 Episode 21
Conflict Resolution

Every line from The Office episode "Conflict Resolution", season 2 episode 21.

Kevin Malone: So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet?
Pam Beesly: No.
Kevin Malone: 'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.
Phyllis Vance: Oh I got the 'Save The Date'.
Pam Beesly: Yeah?
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, pretty stationery.
Pam Beesly: Oh, thanks!
Angela Martin: I didn't get mine yet.
Pam Beesly: Uh...
Pam Beesly: There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.
Michael Scott: Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent.
Phyllis Vance: Uh, on or off?
I.D. Photographer: Off.
Phyllis Vance: Okay... (removes glasses)
Dwight Schrute: Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise?
Phyllis Vance: (leaving the room) Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute: Clown paint.
Dwight Schrute: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
Michael Scott: That's a nice tie.
Ryan Howard: Thank you.
Michael Scott: That is... who makes that?
Ryan Howard: Um, I don't...
Michael Scott: Do you mind if I wear that for the photo?
Ryan Howard: Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes.
Oscar Martinez: It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed...
Michael Scott: (walking into the Conference room) What's the dealio?
Toby Flenderson: Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today.
Michael Scott: What's the problem?
Oscar Martinez: Angela!
Toby Flenderson: It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace.
Oscar Martinez: Since Christmas.
Michael Scott: So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating?
Oscar Martinez: No.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Toby Flenderson: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Toby Flenderson: These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Toby Flenderson: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.
Michael Scott: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Toby Flenderson: Okay.
Michael Scott: Okay... what?
Toby Flenderson: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. (leans over to Pam) Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?
Michael Scott: (holding up a binder) A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict.(in a comedic voice) My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style.
Angela Martin: Can we go? I have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott: No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose.
Oscar Martinez: What's the next one?
Michael Scott: Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation?
Angela Martin: Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever?
Michael Scott: Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work.
Michael Scott: (in front of poster) Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela Martin: I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael Scott: Come on, seriously, that?
Oscar Martinez: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the...
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win.
Pam Beesly: Win!
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win.
Oscar Martinez: No.
Angela Martin: That's... no...
Michael Scott: Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution.
Angela Martin: How about, I leave it up?
Oscar Martinez: How 'bout, she takes it down?
Pam Beesly: How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
Michael Scott: Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win.
Pam Beesly: Win.
Oscar Martinez: Fine.
Angela Martin: But, it...
Michael Scott: (claps his hands twice) It is done!
Pam Beesly: Win
Photographer: (snaps a photo of Creed, then Creed turns to the side for a profile shot) No, you're all good.
Creed Bratton: Great. (gets up and leaves)
Pam Beesly: Hey, Angela.(hands her a Save The Date card) I didn't have your zip code.
Angela Martin: Oh. Thanks.
Angela Martin: It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste.
Toby Flenderson: You solved it?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Toby Flenderson: Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. (shuffles through papers)
Michael Scott: Are those all the other complains?
Toby Flenderson: Mmm-Hm.
Michael Scott: I would like to see those please.
Toby Flenderson: I... I can't do that.
Michael Scott: You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file.
Toby Flenderson: That... (shakes head and places hand over the file)
Michael Scott: Okay. (yanks the file away, despite Toby's resistance) There! No more conflict. (looks at the camera) I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. (looks back at Toby) All right... is that it?
Toby Flenderson: (sighs and pulls out a box under his desk) It's all Dwight's.
Toby Flenderson: Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York.
Michael Scott: Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything?
Photographer: Are you sure? (looks at Oscar, who is front of the camera, holding the baby poster in front of his chest)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, he's sure. Just shoot.
Photographer: (shoots twice)
Michael Scott: (looking through papers in the complaint box) This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam Beesly: Nice.
Michael Scott: You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me.
Toby Flenderson: Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This (unlocks a drawer)is January through March of this year. (pulls out a fairly large folder)
Michael Scott: How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? (looks at all the employees, most of whom raise their hands) And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? (employees mumble "merely listen to and forgotten..." ) That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... (sighs) Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
Angela Martin: You already did me.
Michael Scott: That's what she said. (Jim mouths these words along with Michael) The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ?
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off.
Michael Scott: Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago?
Pam Beesly: (notices Angela's intense concern) Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me?
Michael Scott: All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And (looks through the file)... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next.
Pam Beesly: Wait, what did it say?
Michael Scott: Uh... (reading)"Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" (Pam looks Angela an angry look) Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right?
Pam Beesly: I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?!
Michael Scott: Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club.
Ryan Howard: My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes...
Kelly Kapoor: I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking.
Toby Flenderson: To your HR representative.
Kelly Kapoor: To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn.
Toby Flenderson: Fine, I'll take your name off. (looks at Michael) So no one will know.
Michael Scott: (crumbles up the complaint paper) Makin' progress. (Jim raises his hand) Yes?
Jim Halpert: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael Scott: What?!
Jim Halpert: And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight Schrute: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, question. (looks at Toby) When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?
Toby Flenderson: Sure.
Michael Scott: Stanley. (off camera)
Pam Beesly: (gets up and walks over to Angela, whispering to her) Hey. Thanks for ratting me out!
Michael Scott: (still of camera) You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it.
Angela Martin: I didn't do it! (Michael and Stanley continue to talk off camera, but it's inaudible)
Pam Beesly: I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe.
Michael Scott: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley Hudson: I didn't say that.
Creed Bratton: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? (Michael, along with the camera, look at the standard stick man on the bathroom door.)
Michael Scott: Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee.
Phyllis Vance: No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close.
Michael Scott: And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him.
Phyllis Vance: Stanley and I are close, too.
Stanley Hudson: We sit close.
Michael Scott: Oh... ok.
Toby Flenderson: (sits down for his ID picture) Just take it. (flashes goes off, while he is standing back up again)
Pam Beesly: I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby.
Jim Halpert: Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends.
Pam Beesly: Don't take her side.
Jim Halpert: (sighs) Well, what does Roy think about everything?
Pam Beesly: I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff.
Jim Halpert: You mean your thoughts and feelings?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Yeah...
Phyllis Vance: I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting.
Angela Martin: Yes, that's the problem.
Phyllis Vance: I guess so...
Michael Scott: Okay, well... all settled, then.
Phyllis Vance: (whispering to Angela) I don't like you.
Michael Scott: OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
Creed Bratton: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death.
Michael Scott: All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable.
Kevin Malone: I accept your decision!
Jim Halpert: Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together.
Dwight Schrute: That doesn't make any sense.
Jim Halpert: Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect.
Photographer: (to Dwight, who is sitting in front of the camera) Smile.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Dwight Schrute: I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.
Jim Halpert: This came out really well. (picks up Dwight's I.D. from the laminating machine and hands it to Dwight) There you go.
Dwight Schrute: This is humongous. I am not a security threat...
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Dwight Schrute: And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'.
Jim Halpert: What did I write?
Dwight Schrute: I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file.
Toby Flenderson: Talk to Michael. I gave him the box.
Dwight Schrute: What box?!
Phyllis Vance: But I didn't report your snoring-
Stanley Hudson: Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... (Dwight walks in and rummages through his complaint box)
Michael Scott: Uh. Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand.
Michael Scott: Okay! Calm down.
Dwight Schrute: No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on?
Michael Scott: Hey, hey!
Dwight Schrute: Him or me?
Michael Scott: Stop.
Dwight Schrute: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore.
Michael Scott: Okay...
Dwight Schrute: Either he goes, or I go.
Michael Scott: Dwight...
Dwight Schrute: You choose!
Michael Scott: Stop...
Dwight Schrute: One of us is out of here by the end of today! (runs out)
Michael Scott: Oh... kay...
Dwight Schrute: I am not bluffing!
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Okay?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years.
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: I deserve this. You know I do!
Michael Scott: (picks up Dwight's I.D. and snickers) You know your I.D. says you're a security threat?
Dwight Schrute: You have till five.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer!
Michael Scott: Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match!
Michael Scott: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.
Michael Scott: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - (reads from complaint paper) "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." (flips to another paper) "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim Halpert: (laughs) Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: (reading) "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." (flips to another paper) "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim Halpert: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
Michael Scott: (reading) "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."
Jim Halpert: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.
Michael Scott: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
Jim Halpert: Maybe Stanford would be cool.
Dwight Schrute: It's a good market. Higher volume.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Dwight Schrute: I have a girlfriend...
Jim Halpert: Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.
Michael Scott: Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.
Dwight Schrute: So, you going to transfer Jim or not?
Michael Scott: Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.
Dwight Schrute: I want an answer by tomorrow.
Michael Scott: Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?
Dwight Schrute: Fine.
Michael Scott: Good. Okay.
Michael Scott: Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?
Photographer: I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
Michael Scott: Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?
Photographer: You mean digital?
Michael Scott: It'll take like two seconds.
Photographer: 20 bucks.
Michael Scott: Ugh... All right. Everybody, (looks around at the employees) come on. Group photo for the newsletter.
Stanley Hudson: You gotta be kiddin' me.
Michael Scott: Come on, everybody.
Dwight Schrute: Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.
Photographer: One, two, three... smile. (camera flashes, but no one smiles) Try to smile.
Michael Scott: We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Photographer: Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. (camera flashes)
Michael Scott: Good, let's check that out. (looks at preview screen) Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.
Photographer: That'll be another 20.
Michael Scott: What?
Pam Beesly: Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Michael Scott: (off camera) You just press the button.
Angela Martin: What?
Jim Halpert: No, Pam.
Pam Beesly: (looks at to Jim) I am. (looks at Angela) It's about the Save The Date.
Jim Halpert: Pam, it wasn't her.
Pam Beesly: What?!
Jim Halpert: I'm the one who complained about you.
Jim Halpert: I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. (the camera flashes) I was just venting.
Michael Scott: (off camera) Okay, good. Check that out.
Jim Halpert: You know, it was one day.
Michael Scott: (off camera) That's terrible.
Jim Halpert: And I took it right back. It was like...
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, dear.
Michael Scott: (off camera) Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. (rejoins the group, on camera) Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. (flash goes off before he sits down)
Michael Scott: It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.
Michael Scott: (flashback the photo being taken) One, two..(flash goes off) Didn't say three, did I?
Michael Scott: But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.
Jim Halpert: (on Pam's answering machine) Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. (camera shows Jim sitting on a waiting coach in another Dunder Mifflin office)
Female worker: Okay, Jan will see you now.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thanks.
Michael Scott: And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 21 season 2. Conflict Resolution is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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