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Season 2 Episode 22
Casino Night

Every line from The Office episode "Casino Night", season 2 episode 22.

Michael Scott: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good.
Jim Halpert: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two?
Dwight Schrute: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years.
Pam Beesly: It's a nice tux.
Dwight Schrute: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom.
Roy Anderson: So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame.
Pam Beesly: Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert.
Dwight Schrute: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance.
Jim Halpert: I can always kind of win at roulette.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: How would you do that?
Jim Halpert: Mind control.
Dwight Schrute: (laughs) You can't be serious. Are you serious?
Jim Halpert: Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind.
Dwight Schrute: I don't believe you. Continue.
Jim Halpert: It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things.
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I'll try. (The coat rack wobbles) (Pam holds up an umbrella handle to the camera in another scene)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing.
Jan Levinson: (on phone) Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee.
Michael Scott: Top 80 percent!
Jan Levinson: Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Jan Levinson: You know that I'm very serious here.
Michael Scott: Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam!
Jan Levinson: What?
Michael Scott: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here.
Jan Levinson: I thought that you were their fearless leader.
Michael Scott: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez.
Jan Levinson: (laughs) I think you can handle it.
Michael Scott: Oh, come on. Come on.
Jan Levinson: I think so, Michael...
Michael Scott: You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break.
Jan Levinson: Goodbye, Michael.
Michael Scott: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day.
Michael Scott: Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America.
Oscar Martinez: Again? We do that every year.
Michael Scott: Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts.
Oscar Martinez: It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering.
Michael Scott: Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration.
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Michael Scott: So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief.
Jim Halpert: That doesn't exist anymore.
Michael Scott: Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people.
Pam Beesly: No, they stopped making that show.
Michael Scott: Well, then, they need our money more than ever.
Angela Martin: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization.
Creed Bratton: There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them.
Kevin Malone: Something with animals. Or people.
Kelly Kapoor: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn't do it. ...Maybe he did it.
Angela Martin: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity?
Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby Flenderson: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Jim Halpert: I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
Phyllis Vance: Afghani.
Michael Scott: What?
Phyllis Vance: Afghani.
Michael Scott: That's a dog.
Pam Beesly: No, that's Afghan.
Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
Creed Bratton: Who has AIDS?
Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
Michael Scott: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." (laughs) And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Pam Beesly: Oh, nothing.
Jim Halpert: "Till Death Do Us Rock."
Pam Beesly: They're wedding bands.
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Pam Beesly: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now.
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams.
Pam Beesly: There's a KISS cover band in here.
Jim Halpert: Let's do it.
Pam Beesly: I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work.
Jim Halpert: Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here.
Michael Scott: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works?
Darryl Philbin: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse.
Michael Scott: It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place.
Darryl Philbin: Except my warehouse.
Michael Scott: Well, actually, it's my warehouse.
Dwight Schrute: Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease.
Michael Scott: Why are you here?
Dwight Schrute: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
Michael Scott: Not. I said, not that.
Darryl Philbin: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael Scott: That's ironic.
Darryl Philbin: What?
Michael Scott: That you are afraid.
Darryl Philbin: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael Scott: Dinkin' flicka.
Darryl Philbin: (sighs) Dinkin' flicka.
Darryl Philbin: I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Michael Scott: Give me some. (Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture)
Darryl Philbin: Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.
Jim Halpert: (Jim ejects a videotape from the VCR and puts in a new one) Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good.
Pam Beesly: I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza.
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Have three stages, yeah.
Jim Halpert: Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Jim Halpert: Let's take a look. Nice.
Pam Beesly: Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: On the drums! On the drums!
Jim Halpert: Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer.
Kevin Malone: We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Oh!
Pam Beesly: Oh, my...
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label, we're gonna...
Pam Beesly: No! No!
Jim Halpert: No, Pam, you're gonna lose him to another wedding.
Pam Beesly: No, come back! No, no, no!
Jim Halpert: Kev!
Pam Beesly: Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding.
Michael Scott: (phone rings) Yes
Pam Beesly: (phone rings) Michael, Carol Stills for you.
Michael Scott: Who?
Pam Beesly: Carol Stills.
Michael Scott: Do I know a Carol Stills?
Pam Beesly: Your realtor.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
Pam Beesly: It's still me.
Pam Beesly: Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt.
Pam Beesly: Carol, you're on with Michael.
Carol: (on phone) Hello, Michael?
Michael Scott: Hi, Carol. How you doing?
Carol: I'm great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael Scott: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped.
Carol: Oh, good, I'm glad. Can I drop it over later?
Michael Scott: Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night.
Carol: Oh, great.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink.
Carol: To the casino thing?
Michael Scott: Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you...(phone rings) What do you...
Carol: What?
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes?
Pam Beesly: Michael, Jan's on line two.
Michael Scott: Okay, put her through. (Deep voice) Jan Levinson, I presume?
Pam Beesly: It's still me. Uh, Jan, here's Michael.
Jan Levinson: Michael?
Michael Scott: Hey, Jan. How you doing?
Jan Levinson: You know, I... I thought about it and you are right.
Michael Scott: I am?
Jan Levinson: I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay.
Jan Levinson: Incidentally, what is the charity?
Michael Scott: AIDS.
Jan Levinson: Okay, then. I will see you tonight.
Michael Scott: Okay, sounds great.
Jan Levinson: Bye-bye.
Michael Scott: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just...
Carol: No problemo.
Michael Scott: Right.
Carol: To answer your question...
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Carol: Yes.
Michael Scott: What?
Carol: I'd love to go.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Carol: I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn't be a problem.
Michael Scott: Problem. Good.
Carol: And I'll bring the papers, too.
Michael Scott: Good, All right. Sounds great.
Carol: I'll see you tonight.
Michael Scott: Bye.
Carol: Bye.
Michael Scott: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody.
Pam Beesly: (People playing casino games as the actual Casino Night begins) Oh, my God!
Roy Anderson: Yeah! That's great.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey.
Carol: Hi.
Michael Scott: Hey, Carol.
Carol: Hi.
Michael Scott: You look great.
Carol: Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here.
Michael Scott: Oh, well... Kiss. (Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek) That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight (Kisses cheeks)
Dwight Schrute: Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them."
Michael Scott: Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters.
Carol: Drink would be good.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Creed Bratton: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.
Billy's Girlfriend: I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything?
Billy: No, I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart.
Billy's Girlfriend: Okay.
Michael Scott: Billy, your nurse is hot.
Billy: That's my girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet.
Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress.
Michael Scott: Chili's is great.
Michael Scott: Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
Stanley Hudson: (Under his breath) Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
Michael Scott: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows.
Dealer: Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold'em. Good luck, everybody. That's at least four red chips to you, sir.
Michael Scott: All-in. (Other players fold their hands)
Michael Scott: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?
Toby Flenderson: I'll call.
Michael Scott: What are... That's insane.
Toby Flenderson: I have good cards.
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back.
Dealer: No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in.
Michael Scott: Okay, all right, whatever.
Dealer: Flip them.
Michael Scott: You really screwed that up. (Michael leaves)
Meredith Palmer: Wow.
Toby Flenderson: I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling.
Dwight Schrute: I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs.
Jim Halpert: (coughs) I will raise. (Dwight sighs and folds his cards) Thanks.
Jim Halpert: It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds.
Carol: Wow, bad luck.
Michael Scott: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. (Sees Jan) Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Jan Levinson: Michael?
Michael Scott: Jan.
Jan Levinson: Hi.
Michael Scott: Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship.
Jan Levinson: What are you... Just... Wait, what're you talking about?
Carol: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong.
Jan Levinson: No. No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss.
Carol: Hi, hi.
Jan Levinson: Does anyone want a drink?
Carol: No, I'm good.
Jan Levinson: Okay. (Carol stares at Michael)
Michael Scott: Um...
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey.
Michael Scott: Hey. What...
Dwight Schrute: Jan's here.
Dwight Schrute: Give me the dice.
Kevin Malone: Come on, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go.
Billy: It's all on you, baby. Let's go.
Angela Martin: Good evening, Dwight. What is this?
Dwight Schrute: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins.
Kevin Malone: Yes.
Angela Martin: Then roll an eight.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you, Angela.
Angela Martin: Good luck, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! Yeah! (Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling)
Kevin Malone: Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Let's go.
Oscar Martinez: Let it ride. Let it all ride.
Dwight Schrute: Give me the dice!
Jim Halpert: Yeah, right.
Pam Beesly: "Yeah, right," what?
Jim Halpert: What was this? (Makes face)
Pam Beesly: (Laughs) I have good cards.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Pam Beesly: Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in.
Jim Halpert: Wow. I think you're bluffing.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, I think she's full of it.
Pam Beesly: Straight.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Three nines.
Kevin Malone: Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim Halpert: Thank you very much. It was fun.
Jan Levinson: Cosmopolitan, please.
Carol: Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That's a long drive.
Jan Levinson: Well, it's part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So... Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been...
Carol: Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess.
Jan Levinson: Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport.
Carol: Well, I'm having a nice time.
Jan Levinson: Oh, me too. Me too.
Ryan Howard: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.
Jim Halpert: So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly?
Michael Scott: All right!
Dealer: The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four!
Dwight Schrute: Come on, shooter!
Michael Scott: Four! (Holds dice in front of Carol) Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. (Holds dice in front of Jan) All right, here we go!
Carol: All right.
Michael Scott: Yeah!
Dealer: Five.
Michael Scott: So close. So close.
Dwight Schrute: Come on. (Turns to Jan) So where you staying? Radisson?
Jan Levinson: What?
Dwight Schrute: Super 8?
Jan Levinson: No, I...
Dwight Schrute: Motel 6? Best Western?
Jan Levinson: I didn't... I don't know...
Dwight Schrute: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael?
Kevin Malone: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker.
Kevin Malone: All-in.
Phyllis Vance: Okay, let's do it.
Bob Vance: Good Luck, honey.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play.
Kevin Malone: Three queens.
Dwight Schrute: Nice, very nice.
Phyllis Vance: I have an ace.
Oscar Martinez: No, that's a flush.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man!
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I have a flush!
Bob: Yes!
Phyllis Vance: Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again?
Kevin Malone: I suck.
Roy Anderson: She took you down, huh?
Kevin Malone: I do not want to talk about it.
Roy Anderson: Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock.
Kevin Malone: Yeah?
Roy Anderson: Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding?
Kevin Malone: Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay?
Roy Anderson: Whatever. I'm in charge of the music.
Kevin Malone: Dude, you will not be sorry.
Roy Anderson: Sweet. All right.
Kevin Malone: All right.
Jan Levinson: Smoke?
Jim Halpert: No, thanks. You having fun?
Jan Levinson: Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, we all really...
Jan Levinson: Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed
Jim Halpert: Well, I think you look great.
Jan Levinson: Why did I hook up with Michael?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, why did you?
Jan Levinson: It was very late, Jim. Very... Very late and... Have you given any more thought to the transfer?
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah.
Jan Levinson: Good. Have you told anyone?
Jim Halpert: No.
Jan Levinson: Well, you should.
Bob: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin!
Creed Bratton: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator.
Roy Anderson: Sorry, babe. I am just beat.
Pam Beesly: It's okay. I'll see you at home.
Roy Anderson: Okay. Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right?
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Roy Anderson: If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right?
Jim Halpert: Okay, will do.
Roy Anderson: See you.
Pam Beesly: Bye! Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how's it going?
Pam Beesly: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam Beesly: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim Halpert: No, I...
Pam Beesly: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim Halpert: I was just... I'm in love with you.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...
Pam Beesly: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim Halpert: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam Beesly: Well, I um... I... I can't.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: You have no idea...
Jim Halpert: Don't do that.
Pam Beesly: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim Halpert: Come on. I don't wanna do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam Beesly: I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim Halpert: Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.
Jan Levinson: Hey. I'm leaving.
Michael Scott: Hey, okay.
Jan Levinson: So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jan Levinson: And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks.
Michael Scott: Okay. Thanks for coming.
Jan Levinson: Nice to meet you.
Carol: You, too.
Jan Levinson: And you guys have a good time together.
Michael Scott: Okay. Talk to you Monday.
Jan Levinson: Yeah.
Carol: Goodbye.
Michael Scott: Good night. She's a good boss.
Carol: She seems really nice.
Michael Scott: Oh, she's great.
Michael Scott: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good.
Pam Beesly: (On phone) About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. (Jim enters) I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim... (They kiss)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 22 season 2. Casino Night is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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