Scene 017 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.Ryan HowardOpen quote: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok. (Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.) Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.
Scene 025 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Diversifying. Smart.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.Michael ScottOpen quote: Maybe.
Scene 032 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (laughs)
Scene 041 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him.
Scene 0510 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: You see Dwight's coffee mug?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No way. Let's do this (crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.) Oh.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Here.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wind.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Perfect. (misses)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh.
Scene 0622 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You should go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh huh.Michael ScottOpen quote: Sign the papers at the condo.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You have your lawyer there?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, I don't need one.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Can I be your representative?Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't need a representative.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I think I should be there.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. Dwight. I'm fine.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So you're taking a personal day?Michael ScottOpen quote: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please, I'll make you proud.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes! As your representative?Michael ScottOpen quote: As my associate.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Same thing.Michael ScottOpen quote: No it is not.
Scene 071 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Scene 0817 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You headed out?Michael ScottOpen quote: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ok.Michael ScottOpen quote: Very good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Have a great time.Michael ScottOpen quote: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good. The Small Business Man?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yup.Michael ScottOpen quote: Maxim? American Way? Cracked?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.Michael ScottOpen quote: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (shakes head)Michael ScottOpen quote: NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok. See you soon.
Scene 098 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What kind of shocks you got on this baby?Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (tries to open sun roof) I want to put the top down.Michael ScottOpen quote: What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But then no one can see us.Michael ScottOpen quote: I... Just... Would you put it up? (roof opens) Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Check it out. (points at sunglasses) Terminator.Michael ScottOpen quote: I do not understand what you spend your money on.
Scene 1014 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (paper football lands on desk) Ooh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (points at paper on desk) What does 2005 season mean?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Eh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait a minute, what is this?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It's a scoreboard.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Or when we're bored.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: We're bored a lot.
Scene 1111 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (flicks football onto Kevin's desk) OH!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Sweet!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: We call it Hate Ball.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Because of how much Angela hates it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, do you guys have any other games?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Sometimes we play "Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?"Angela MartinOpen quote: You play that.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball.
Scene 123 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Home, sweet home.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Which one's yours?Michael ScottOpen quote: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... (turns around) no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home.
Scene 131 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: (bounces ball off wall with Toby) So that's what this sound is all day.
Scene 146 linesCarolOpen quote: Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something.BillOpen quote: Nice to meet you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nice to meet you too.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This is smaller than your old place.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um.
Scene 151 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Scene 166 linesCarolOpen quote: Are we ready to sign some papers?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.BillOpen quote: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles.CarolOpen quote: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's go check out the master bedroom.
Scene 173 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college."Jim HalpertOpen quote: Fair enough.
Scene 1810 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. (points at wall) Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh. Terrible idea.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm putting my bed right over here.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, then I will get a warrantee.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well then I won't get a warrantee.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Shh Shh.Michael ScottOpen quote: So that's the problem, is solved. What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Listen. (puts ear to wall) Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.
Scene 194 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (sings Olympic theme song) This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: It smells like cookies.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system.
Scene 201 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work.
Scene 2220 linesCarolOpen quote: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What kind of mortgage did you get?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh... Ten year.CarolOpen quote: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total.Michael ScottOpen quote: What? Wha? You said ten.CarolOpen quote: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ho, thirty years.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok, ok, ok.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok. Alright. Oh boy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, this is it.CarolOpen quote: Whenever you're ready.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um. Oh. (moves stove burner) Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?CarolOpen quote: Actually yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We'll be here waiting for you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, man.
Scene 231 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.
Scene 242 linesCarolOpen quote: Whenever you're ready, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh. (breathes deeply, head at knees)
Scene 255 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hum.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton.
Scene 261 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.
Scene 273 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I'll do it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes! Phyllis! (claps) Phyllis, just put your foot right through here (lifts strap on box of paper). Right through the flonk.
Scene 287 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't...CarolOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: ...know if you showed me this same unit or not.CarolOpen quote: Michael, this is the unit you saw and...Michael ScottOpen quote: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.CarolOpen quote: Who told you that?Michael ScottOpen quote: As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here.
Scene 291 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down.
Scene 306 linesCarolOpen quote: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no.CarolOpen quote: That's some extra income for you.Michael ScottOpen quote: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.CarolOpen quote: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ehhhh....
Scene 312 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? (laughs)
Scene 329 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Here we go. Here we go.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Go! Go! Go!Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Pair of shoes!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's Phyllis!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Flonkerton.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Wow!
Scene 332 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.
Scene 343 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You didn't have to...Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.
Scene 351 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities.
Scene 367 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't even know what to say.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?Michael ScottOpen quote: What the hell is a terrarium?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.
Scene 3711 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Are you sure you don't want to play?Angela MartinOpen quote: I'm sure.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Come on Angela, don't you have a game?Angela MartinOpen quote: I have one, yes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, let's play, what is it?Angela MartinOpen quote: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We're friends.Angela MartinOpen quote: Apparently.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Are you calling me a ho?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it.
Scene 388 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?Michael ScottOpen quote: We take separate cars.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?Michael ScottOpen quote: Why would we do that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just for fun?Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?Michael ScottOpen quote: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok.
Scene 391 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch.
Scene 405 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Ah...EveryoneOpen quote: OH!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I did.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ryan Howard. Ryan! (claps) Gold medal.
Scene 416 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I made something for our closing ceremonies.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What? (looks in box) Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Automatic voicemail.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright Pam, alright (gives her hi-five). Nice work!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet)Stanley HudsonOpen quote: A little bit more and I would have had it.
Scene 429 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: People love beets.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nobody likes beets.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Everybody loves beets.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's get this roof going.Michael ScottOpen quote: Stop it! (smacks Dwight's arm)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ow.
Scene 437 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Oscar!CrowdOpen quote: Go! Go! Go!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. (Michael and Dwight enter) Guys?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What is going on?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's my stopwatch.
Scene 442 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (hands expense report to Oscar) Here you go. All done.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Great.
Scene 451 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so.
Scene 461 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?
Scene 478 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I have 59 voicemails.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sure.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Notify the athletes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Cool.
Scene 488 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nice.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?
Scene 4910 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What's this?Jim HalpertOpen quote: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. (Michael stands on podium) Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. (everyone claps)Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.Michael ScottOpen quote: Get up here, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Silver medal.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yep, not as good as gold. (national anthem plays) Why are you playing the national anthem?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Um... 'Cause your condo's in America.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh. (doves move across cord) What the hell is that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Those are the doves.