Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Office Olympics

Vol. 2 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Here's every line from the episode where Jim and Pam turn the workplace into a stadium. While Michael is busy signing a 30-year mortgage and freaking out about his new condo, the rest of the crew is busy playing Flonkerton. You can follow along with the full script and catch every ridiculous thing Dwight says about his beet farm.

Scene 01

7 lines
Michael Scott
I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.
Ryan Howard
I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael Scott
Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan Howard
What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?
Michael Scott
Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.
Ryan Howard
I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts.
Michael Scott
Ok. (Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.) Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.

Scene 02

5 lines
Michael Scott
Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.
Dwight Schrute
Diversifying. Smart.
Michael Scott
Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight Schrute
And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.
Michael Scott
Maybe.

Scene 03

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk)
Pam Beesly
(laughs)

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him.

Scene 05

10 lines
Pam Beesly
You see Dwight's coffee mug?
Jim Halpert
Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly
Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.
Jim Halpert
No way. Let's do this (crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.) Oh.
Pam Beesly
Here.
Jim Halpert
Wind.
Pam Beesly
Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.
Jim Halpert
Perfect. (misses)
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Jim Halpert
Oh.

Scene 06

22 lines
Dwight Schrute
You should go.
Michael Scott
Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.
Dwight Schrute
Uh huh.
Michael Scott
Sign the papers at the condo.
Dwight Schrute
You have your lawyer there?
Michael Scott
Uh, I don't need one.
Dwight Schrute
Can I be your representative?
Michael Scott
I don't need a representative.
Dwight Schrute
I think I should be there.
Michael Scott
No, No.
Dwight Schrute
I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.
Michael Scott
No. Dwight. I'm fine.
Dwight Schrute
Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work.
Michael Scott
Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal.
Dwight Schrute
So you're taking a personal day?
Michael Scott
Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.
Dwight Schrute
Please, I'll make you proud.
Michael Scott
Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! As your representative?
Michael Scott
As my associate.
Dwight Schrute
Same thing.
Michael Scott
No it is not.

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Scene 08

17 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies.
Pam Beesly
You headed out?
Michael Scott
We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day.
Pam Beesly
Ok.
Michael Scott
Very good.
Pam Beesly
Have a great time.
Michael Scott
We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael Scott
Good. The Small Business Man?
Pam Beesly
Yup.
Michael Scott
Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
Pam Beesly
Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
Michael Scott
How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?
Pam Beesly
(shakes head)
Michael Scott
NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Ok. See you soon.

Scene 09

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
What kind of shocks you got on this baby?
Michael Scott
I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
(tries to open sun roof) I want to put the top down.
Michael Scott
What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please...
Dwight Schrute
But then no one can see us.
Michael Scott
I... Just... Would you put it up? (roof opens) Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
Dwight Schrute
Check it out. (points at sunglasses) Terminator.
Michael Scott
I do not understand what you spend your money on.

Scene 10

14 lines
Kevin Malone
(paper football lands on desk) Ooh.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know.
Jim Halpert
(points at paper on desk) What does 2005 season mean?
Oscar Martinez
Eh.
Jim Halpert
Wait a minute, what is this?
Oscar Martinez
It's a scoreboard.
Jim Halpert
What?
Oscar Martinez
Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Oscar Martinez
Yeah.
Kevin Malone
Or when we're bored.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years.
Kevin Malone
We're bored a lot.

Scene 11

11 lines
Jim Halpert
(flicks football onto Kevin's desk) OH!
Kevin Malone
Oh!
Oscar Martinez
Sweet!
Jim Halpert
Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.
Kevin Malone
We call it Hate Ball.
Jim Halpert
Why?
Kevin Malone
Because of how much Angela hates it.
Jim Halpert
Hey, do you guys have any other games?
Kevin Malone
Sometimes we play "Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?"
Angela Martin
You play that.
Oscar Martinez
You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball.

Scene 12

3 lines
Michael Scott
Home, sweet home.
Dwight Schrute
Which one's yours?
Michael Scott
Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... (turns around) no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
(bounces ball off wall with Toby) So that's what this sound is all day.

Scene 14

6 lines
Carol
Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.
Michael Scott
Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something.
Bill
Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott
Nice to meet you too.
Dwight Schrute
This is smaller than your old place.
Michael Scott
Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um.

Scene 15

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Scene 16

6 lines
Carol
Are we ready to sign some papers?
Dwight Schrute
Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.
Bill
It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles.
Carol
It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael Scott
Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that.
Dwight Schrute
Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Scene 17

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games?
Stanley Hudson
Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college."
Jim Halpert
Fair enough.

Scene 18

10 lines
Michael Scott
This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. (points at wall) Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.
Dwight Schrute
Oh. Terrible idea.
Michael Scott
I'm putting my bed right over here.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.
Michael Scott
Well, then I will get a warrantee.
Dwight Schrute
Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off.
Michael Scott
Well then I won't get a warrantee.
Dwight Schrute
Shh Shh.
Michael Scott
So that's the problem, is solved. What?
Dwight Schrute
Listen. (puts ear to wall) Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.

Scene 19

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(sings Olympic theme song) This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something.
Kevin Malone
It smells like cookies.
Jim Halpert
Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.
Pam Beesly
Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system.

Scene 20

1 line
Angela Martin
I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
Let the games begin. (sings Olympic theme)

Scene 22

20 lines
Carol
And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow.
Dwight Schrute
What kind of mortgage did you get?
Michael Scott
Uh... Ten year.
Carol
Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total.
Michael Scott
What? Wha? You said ten.
Carol
Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total.
Dwight Schrute
Ho, thirty years.
Michael Scott
Ok, ok, ok.
Dwight Schrute
Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Dwight Schrute
Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.
Michael Scott
Ok. Alright. Oh boy.
Dwight Schrute
Well, this is it.
Carol
Whenever you're ready.
Michael Scott
Um. Oh. (moves stove burner) Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?
Carol
Actually yes.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.
Michael Scott
Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute
We'll be here waiting for you.
Michael Scott
Oh, man.

Scene 23

1 line
Dwight Schrute
A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.

Scene 24

2 lines
Carol
Whenever you're ready, Michael.
Michael Scott
Uh. (breathes deeply, head at knees)

Scene 25

5 lines
Jim Halpert
You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam?
Pam Beesly
Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton.
Jim Halpert
Hum.
Pam Beesly
In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.
Jim Halpert
Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton.

Scene 26

1 line
Pam Beesly
The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.

Scene 27

3 lines
Jim Halpert
So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone?
Phyllis Vance
I'll do it.
Jim Halpert
Yes! Phyllis! (claps) Phyllis, just put your foot right through here (lifts strap on box of paper). Right through the flonk.

Scene 28

7 lines
Michael Scott
The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't...
Carol
What?
Michael Scott
...know if you showed me this same unit or not.
Carol
Michael, this is the unit you saw and...
Michael Scott
Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
Carol
Who told you that?
Michael Scott
As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here.

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down.

Scene 30

6 lines
Carol
Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom.
Michael Scott
No, no, no.
Carol
That's some extra income for you.
Michael Scott
I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.
Carol
You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.
Michael Scott
Ehhhh....

Scene 31

2 lines
Michael Scott
I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.
Dwight Schrute
Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? (laughs)

Scene 32

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Here we go. Here we go.
Pam Beesly
Go! Go! Go!
Oscar Martinez
Pair of shoes!
Jim Halpert
Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis!
Pam Beesly
It's Phyllis!
Jim Halpert
Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.
Pam Beesly
Flonkerton.
Jim Halpert
Thank you, delegate from Iceland.
Meredith Palmer
Wow!

Scene 33

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth)
Jim Halpert
Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.

Scene 34

3 lines
Michael Scott
There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.
Dwight Schrute
You didn't have to...
Michael Scott
No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities.

Scene 36

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
I don't even know what to say.
Michael Scott
I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone.
Dwight Schrute
Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael Scott
What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight Schrute
It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael Scott
Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place.
Dwight Schrute
Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.

Scene 37

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Are you sure you don't want to play?
Angela Martin
I'm sure.
Pam Beesly
Come on Angela, don't you have a game?
Angela Martin
I have one, yes.
Pam Beesly
Well, let's play, what is it?
Angela Martin
I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.
Pam Beesly
We're friends.
Angela Martin
Apparently.
Jim Halpert
Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
Are you calling me a ho?
Jim Halpert
Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it.

Scene 38

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?
Michael Scott
We take separate cars.
Dwight Schrute
Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Michael Scott
Why would we do that?
Dwight Schrute
Just for fun?
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?
Michael Scott
EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok.

Scene 39

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch.

Scene 40

5 lines
Oscar Martinez
Ah...
Everyone
OH!
Jim Halpert
Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?
Ryan Howard
I did.
Jim Halpert
Ryan Howard. Ryan! (claps) Gold medal.

Scene 41

6 lines
Pam Beesly
I made something for our closing ceremonies.
Jim Halpert
What? (looks in box) Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?
Pam Beesly
Automatic voicemail.
Jim Halpert
Alright Pam, alright (gives her hi-five). Nice work!
Pam Beesly
(sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet)
Stanley Hudson
A little bit more and I would have had it.

Scene 42

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight Schrute
People love beets.
Michael Scott
Nobody likes beets.
Dwight Schrute
Everybody loves beets.
Michael Scott
Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.
Dwight Schrute
Let's get this roof going.
Michael Scott
Stop it! (smacks Dwight's arm)
Dwight Schrute
Ow.

Scene 43

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15.
Stanley Hudson
Oscar!
Crowd
Go! Go! Go!
Jim Halpert
Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. (Michael and Dwight enter) Guys?
Dwight Schrute
What is going on?
Jim Halpert
Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er?
Dwight Schrute
That's my stopwatch.

Scene 44

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(hands expense report to Oscar) Here you go. All done.
Oscar Martinez
Great.

Scene 45

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so.

Scene 46

1 line
Ryan Howard
I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?

Scene 47

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
I have 59 voicemails.
Jim Halpert
Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Jim Halpert
Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Jim Halpert
Notify the athletes.
Pam Beesly
Cool.

Scene 48

8 lines
Jim Halpert
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?
Jim Halpert
Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Michael Scott
Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly.
Jim Halpert
Nice.
Michael Scott
You know.
Jim Halpert
Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you.
Michael Scott
Really?

Scene 49

10 lines
Michael Scott
What's this?
Jim Halpert
These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. (Michael stands on podium) Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. (everyone claps)
Michael Scott
I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment.
Jim Halpert
And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.
Michael Scott
Get up here, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Silver medal.
Michael Scott
Yep, not as good as gold. (national anthem plays) Why are you playing the national anthem?
Jim Halpert
Um... 'Cause your condo's in America.
Michael Scott
Oh. (doves move across cord) What the hell is that?
Jim Halpert
Those are the doves.