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Season 2 Episode 3
Office Olympics

Every line from The Office episode "Office Olympics", season 2 episode 3.

Michael Scott: I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast.
Ryan Howard: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit.
Michael Scott: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan Howard: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for?
Michael Scott: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do.
Ryan Howard: I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts.
Michael Scott: Ok. (Removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.) Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs.
Michael Scott: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate.
Dwight Schrute: Diversifying. Smart.
Michael Scott: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you.
Dwight Schrute: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers.
Michael Scott: Maybe.
Jim Halpert: (looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk)
Pam Beesly: (laughs)
Pam Beesly: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him.
Pam Beesly: You see Dwight's coffee mug?
Jim Halpert: Mm-hmm.
Pam Beesly: Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it.
Jim Halpert: No way. Let's do this (crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.) Oh.
Pam Beesly: Here.
Jim Halpert: Wind.
Pam Beesly: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Perfect. (misses)
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Dwight Schrute: You should go.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough.
Dwight Schrute: Uh huh.
Michael Scott: Sign the papers at the condo.
Dwight Schrute: You have your lawyer there?
Michael Scott: Uh, I don't need one.
Dwight Schrute: Can I be your representative?
Michael Scott: I don't need a representative.
Dwight Schrute: I think I should be there.
Michael Scott: No, No.
Dwight Schrute: I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code.
Michael Scott: No. Dwight. I'm fine.
Dwight Schrute: Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work.
Michael Scott: Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal.
Dwight Schrute: So you're taking a personal day?
Michael Scott: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work.
Dwight Schrute: Please, I'll make you proud.
Michael Scott: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! As your representative?
Michael Scott: As my associate.
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Michael Scott: No it is not.
Dwight Schrute: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Michael Scott: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies.
Pam Beesly: You headed out?
Michael Scott: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day.
Pam Beesly: Ok.
Michael Scott: Very good.
Pam Beesly: Have a great time.
Michael Scott: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I changed them to your new address.
Michael Scott: Good. The Small Business Man?
Pam Beesly: Yup.
Michael Scott: Maxim? American Way? Cracked?
Pam Beesly: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
Michael Scott: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly?
Pam Beesly: (shakes head)
Michael Scott: NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Ok. See you soon.
Dwight Schrute: What kind of shocks you got on this baby?
Michael Scott: I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: (tries to open sun roof) I want to put the top down.
Michael Scott: What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please...
Dwight Schrute: But then no one can see us.
Michael Scott: I... Just... Would you put it up? (roof opens) Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner.
Dwight Schrute: Check it out. (points at sunglasses) Terminator.
Michael Scott: I do not understand what you spend your money on.
Kevin Malone: (paper football lands on desk) Ooh.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know.
Jim Halpert: (points at paper on desk) What does 2005 season mean?
Oscar Martinez: Eh.
Jim Halpert: Wait a minute, what is this?
Oscar Martinez: It's a scoreboard.
Jim Halpert: What?
Oscar Martinez: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah.
Kevin Malone: Or when we're bored.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years.
Kevin Malone: We're bored a lot.
Jim Halpert: (flicks football onto Kevin's desk) OH!
Kevin Malone: Oh!
Oscar Martinez: Sweet!
Jim Halpert: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah.
Kevin Malone: We call it Hate Ball.
Jim Halpert: Why?
Kevin Malone: Because of how much Angela hates it.
Jim Halpert: Hey, do you guys have any other games?
Kevin Malone: Sometimes we play "Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?"
Angela Martin: You play that.
Oscar Martinez: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball.
Michael Scott: Home, sweet home.
Dwight Schrute: Which one's yours?
Michael Scott: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... (turns around) no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home.
Jim Halpert: (bounces ball off wall with Toby) So that's what this sound is all day.
Carol: Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association.
Michael Scott: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something.
Bill: Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Nice to meet you too.
Dwight Schrute: This is smaller than your old place.
Michael Scott: Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um.
Dwight Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.
Carol: Are we ready to sign some papers?
Dwight Schrute: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood.
Bill: It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles.
Carol: It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael Scott: Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that.
Dwight Schrute: Let's go check out the master bedroom.
Jim Halpert: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games?
Stanley Hudson: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college."
Jim Halpert: Fair enough.
Michael Scott: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. (points at wall) Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall.
Dwight Schrute: Oh. Terrible idea.
Michael Scott: I'm putting my bed right over here.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed.
Michael Scott: Well, then I will get a warrantee.
Dwight Schrute: Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off.
Michael Scott: Well then I won't get a warrantee.
Dwight Schrute: Shh Shh.
Michael Scott: So that's the problem, is solved. What?
Dwight Schrute: Listen. (puts ear to wall) Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin.
Jim Halpert: (sings Olympic theme song) This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something.
Kevin Malone: It smells like cookies.
Jim Halpert: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids.
Pam Beesly: Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system.
Angela Martin: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work.
Jim Halpert: Let the games begin. (sings Olympic theme)
Carol: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow.
Dwight Schrute: What kind of mortgage did you get?
Michael Scott: Uh... Ten year.
Carol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total.
Michael Scott: What? Wha? You said ten.
Carol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total.
Dwight Schrute: Ho, thirty years.
Michael Scott: Ok, ok, ok.
Dwight Schrute: Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight Schrute: Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live.
Michael Scott: Ok. Alright. Oh boy.
Dwight Schrute: Well, this is it.
Carol: Whenever you're ready.
Michael Scott: Um. Oh. (moves stove burner) Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off?
Carol: Actually yes.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants.
Michael Scott: Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me.
Dwight Schrute: We'll be here waiting for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, man.
Dwight Schrute: A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people.
Carol: Whenever you're ready, Michael.
Michael Scott: Uh. (breathes deeply, head at knees)
Jim Halpert: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam?
Pam Beesly: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton.
Jim Halpert: Hum.
Pam Beesly: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.
Jim Halpert: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton.
Pam Beesly: The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.
Jim Halpert: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone?
Phyllis Vance: I'll do it.
Jim Halpert: Yes! Phyllis! (claps) Phyllis, just put your foot right through here (lifts strap on box of paper). Right through the flonk.
Michael Scott: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't...
Carol: What?
Michael Scott: ...know if you showed me this same unit or not.
Carol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and...
Michael Scott: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles.
Carol: Who told you that?
Michael Scott: As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here.
Michael Scott: There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down.
Carol: Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom.
Michael Scott: No, no, no.
Carol: That's some extra income for you.
Michael Scott: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin.
Carol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now.
Michael Scott: Ehhhh....
Michael Scott: I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun.
Dwight Schrute: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? (laughs)
Jim Halpert: Here we go. Here we go.
Pam Beesly: Go! Go! Go!
Oscar Martinez: Pair of shoes!
Jim Halpert: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis!
Pam Beesly: It's Phyllis!
Jim Halpert: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton.
Pam Beesly: Flonkerton.
Jim Halpert: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.
Meredith Palmer: Wow!
Kevin Malone: (empties bowl of M&M's into his mouth)
Jim Halpert: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow.
Michael Scott: There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today.
Dwight Schrute: You didn't have to...
Michael Scott: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent.
Michael Scott: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities.
Dwight Schrute: I don't even know what to say.
Michael Scott: I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone.
Dwight Schrute: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael Scott: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight Schrute: It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael Scott: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place.
Dwight Schrute: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires.
Pam Beesly: Are you sure you don't want to play?
Angela Martin: I'm sure.
Pam Beesly: Come on Angela, don't you have a game?
Angela Martin: I have one, yes.
Pam Beesly: Well, let's play, what is it?
Angela Martin: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.
Pam Beesly: We're friends.
Angela Martin: Apparently.
Jim Halpert: Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim Halpert: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it.
Dwight Schrute: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas?
Michael Scott: We take separate cars.
Dwight Schrute: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine?
Michael Scott: Why would we do that?
Dwight Schrute: Just for fun?
Michael Scott: No.
Dwight Schrute: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance?
Michael Scott: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch.
Oscar Martinez: Ah...
Everyone: OH!
Jim Halpert: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration?
Ryan Howard: I did.
Jim Halpert: Ryan Howard. Ryan! (claps) Gold medal.
Pam Beesly: I made something for our closing ceremonies.
Jim Halpert: What? (looks in box) Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that?
Pam Beesly: Automatic voicemail.
Jim Halpert: Alright Pam, alright (gives her hi-five). Nice work!
Pam Beesly: (sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet)
Stanley Hudson: A little bit more and I would have had it.
Dwight Schrute: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst.
Dwight Schrute: People love beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight Schrute: Everybody loves beets.
Michael Scott: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet.
Dwight Schrute: Let's get this roof going.
Michael Scott: Stop it! (smacks Dwight's arm)
Dwight Schrute: Ow.
Jim Halpert: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15.
Stanley Hudson: Oscar!
Crowd: Go! Go! Go!
Jim Halpert: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. (Michael and Dwight enter) Guys?
Dwight Schrute: What is going on?
Jim Halpert: Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er?
Dwight Schrute: That's my stopwatch.
Jim Halpert: (hands expense report to Oscar) Here you go. All done.
Oscar Martinez: Great.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so.
Ryan Howard: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid?
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: I have 59 voicemails.
Jim Halpert: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead?
Pam Beesly: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Jim Halpert: Notify the athletes.
Pam Beesly: Cool.
Jim Halpert: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on?
Jim Halpert: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo.
Michael Scott: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly.
Jim Halpert: Nice.
Michael Scott: You know.
Jim Halpert: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you.
Michael Scott: Really?
Michael Scott: What's this?
Jim Halpert: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. (Michael stands on podium) Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. (everyone claps)
Michael Scott: I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment.
Jim Halpert: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal.
Michael Scott: Get up here, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Silver medal.
Michael Scott: Yep, not as good as gold. (national anthem plays) Why are you playing the national anthem?
Jim Halpert: Um... 'Cause your condo's in America.
Michael Scott: Oh. (doves move across cord) What the hell is that?
Jim Halpert: Those are the doves.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 3 season 2. Office Olympics is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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