Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Fire

Vol. 2 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

It only takes one cheese pita to send the whole Scranton branch into the parking lot. Every line from "The Fire" is here, from Michael’s business rules to Dwight’s "Ryan started the fire" song. Whether you're looking for the rules of Desert Island or the results of Who Would You Do, you'll find every single word in this full script.

Scene 01

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second.
Jim Halpert
Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker.

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud?

Scene 03

3 lines
Jim Halpert
So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye.
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Hey! You can just give her your extension.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 04

3 lines
Michael Scott
Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think.
Ryan Howard
The temp agency wants to know what you think.
Michael Scott
Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! (laughs)

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years.

Scene 06

5 lines
Michael Scott
Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be?
Ryan Howard
Ah, well, I'm interested in business.
Michael Scott
Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?
Ryan Howard
Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company.
Michael Scott
That is ridiculous.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.

Scene 08

3 lines
Michael Scott
(speaks in a Yoda voice) Much advice you seek. (regular voice) Do you know who that is?
Ryan Howard
Fozzie bear?
Michael Scott
Mmm... No. That was Yoda.

Scene 09

3 lines
Michael Scott
There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.
Ryan Howard
Got it.
Michael Scott
And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
(to Ryan) (makes clicking noises like shooting a gun) Hey!

Scene 11

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto.

Scene 12

18 lines
Oscar Martinez
(in background, on phone) But it says no late fee... .
Dwight Schrute
(alarm sounds) People!
Angela Martin
Okay! Everybody!
Dwight Schrute
This is not a test! Move to the exits!
Angela Martin
Do not panic!
Dwight Schrute
Head towards the exits.
Angela Martin
Safety partners.
Dwight Schrute
Get up off your desks!
Angela Martin
Do not panic.
Oscar Martinez
(in phone) No, I don't hear it? Alright.
Dwight Schrute
No, panic is warranted!
Angela Martin
Go in single file lines.
Oscar Martinez
(in phone) No, no. Finish the...
Dwight Schrute
This is not at drill!
Angela Martin
Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides!
Dwight Schrute
Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively!
Angela Martin
Go, let's go.
Dwight Schrute
This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow!

Scene 13

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is not a test! Can you leave?!
Phyllis Vance
Oh, you say that every time.
Dwight Schrute
DO YOU WANT TO DIE?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, boy...
Dwight Schrute
Do you want to die? OUT!!
Angela Martin
Alright, let's go, let's go.
Dwight Schrute
STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Angela Martin
Come on, you're safety partners!
Dwight Schrute
Move to the exits!
Angela Martin
You're safety partners!
Dwight Schrute
We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! (Spots Kelly) Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you!
Kelly Kapoor
I'm okay!
Dwight Schrute
Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose.
Kelly Kapoor
Let go of me!
Dwight Schrute
Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW!

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

Scene 15

3 lines
Michael Scott
Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two.

Scene 16

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he?

Scene 17

8 lines
Michael Scott
So what was rule two?
Ryan Howard
Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act.
Michael Scott
Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off.
Michael Scott
Okay, uh, well, one is taken.
Ryan Howard
Uh, okay, two?
Dwight Schrute
NO!
Ryan Howard
Okay... uh, sorry?

Scene 18

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today.
Michael Scott
Well, he needs a permanent number, right?
Ryan Howard
No.

Scene 19

4 lines
Ryan Howard
...I don't.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers.
Michael Scott
Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges.
Dwight Schrute
That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers...

Scene 20

1 line
Ryan Howard
I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Stanley is the "crossword puzzle guy". And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy".

Scene 21

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do?
Stanley Hudson
Ooh.
Jim Halpert
And, um...
Pam Beesly
...Would You Rather?
Jim Halpert
Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game.

Scene 22

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(to firemen) Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a...

Scene 23

18 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela.
Angela Martin
The Bible.
Stanley Hudson
That's one book. You've got two others.
Angela Martin
A Purpose Driven Life.
Jim Halpert
Nice. Third book?
Angela Martin
No.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
Um, The DaVinci Code.
Angela Martin
The DaVinci Code!
Jim Halpert
Nice.
Angela Martin
I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island?
Jim Halpert
I guess.
Dwight Schrute
Then I would bring an axe, no books.
Jim Halpert
Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Fine. Physician's Desk Reference.
Jim Halpert
Nice. Smart.
Dwight Schrute
...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?

Scene 24

2 lines
Michael Scott
Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.

Scene 25

1 line
Jim Halpert
Okay. Thought people read more books.

Scene 26

2 lines
Jim Halpert
DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith?
Meredith Palmer
Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County...

Scene 27

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Pam Beesly
Legends of the Fall?
Jim Halpert
Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... .
Pam Beesly
Well, I kind of liked Legal...
Jim Halpert
Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable.
Pam Beesly
I take it back.
Jim Halpert
Unforgivable.
Pam Beesly
I take it back!
Jim Halpert
Good.

Scene 28

1 line
Meredith Palmer
...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene...

Scene 29

23 lines
Dwight Schrute
Is this your car, Ryan?
Michael Scott
Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh?
Ryan Howard
(to Dwight) Don't...
Dwight Schrute
Good shocks.
Michael Scott
Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for...
Ryan Howard
That's actually a test prep book.
Michael Scott
...for Phone. What?
Ryan Howard
That's a test prep for business school.
Michael Scott
Um, oh, thinking about business school?
Ryan Howard
I just got in. I applied, I go at night.
Michael Scott
Really?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Michael Scott
So you think you know a lot about business?
Ryan Howard
No, not yet.
Michael Scott
Uh huh.
Ryan Howard
Just started.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Quiz me.
Ryan Howard
I... wouldn't even know where to start.
Michael Scott
Come on, egghead. Let's do it.
Dwight Schrute
Do it.
Michael Scott
Quiz me up.
Ryan Howard
All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years?
Michael Scott
Uh...

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me.

Scene 31

17 lines
Ryan Howard
Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer?
Dwight Schrute
Keep an existing...
Michael Scott
(to Dwight) Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? (to Ryan) Uh, it's equal.
Ryan Howard
It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer.
Michael Scott
Okay. Yes! It was a trick question.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks.
Michael Scott
Okay, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Self taught. You didn't even go to college.
Michael Scott
You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about.
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh?
Michael Scott
For instance, why don't you go to business...
Dwight Schrute
(to Ryan) You should learn from him, right?
Ryan Howard
I am.
Dwight Schrute
Right?
Ryan Howard
I am.
Michael Scott
Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will.
Dwight Schrute
Stupid!

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all.

Scene 33

3 lines
Michael Scott
Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be?
Ryan Howard
It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base.
Michael Scott
You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me.

Scene 34

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Pam? Get us back into it.
Pam Beesly
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Five movies. Go ahead.
Pam Beesly
Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused...
Jim Halpert
Ooh, definitely in my top five.
Pam Beesly
Yes. In my top three, so suck it.
Jim Halpert
What?
Pam Beesly
Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and...
Jim Halpert
Okay that's five.
Pam Beesly
No, my all time favorite!
Jim Halpert
Pam, play by the rules.
Pam Beesly
All time favorite.
Jim Halpert
Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie.
Dwight Schrute
The Crow.

Scene 35

4 lines
Michael Scott
I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think?
Ryan Howard
Maybe we should get some air.
Michael Scott
Nah, I'm okay.
Ryan Howard
I'm really uncomfortable.

Scene 36

9 lines
Jim Halpert
All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do?
Kevin Malone
Present company excluded?
Jim Halpert
Um, not neccessari...
Kevin Malone
Pam.
Oscar Martinez
Pam.
Jim Halpert
Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then...
song
("Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.) Think you've had too much / in this life.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back.
Stanley Hudson
Okay, um...

Scene 37

31 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight. Dwight.
Song
Everybody hurts,
Jim Halpert
Come on Dwight! Use words.
Song
Sometim... .
Dwight Schrute
Why didn't I go to business school?
Jim Halpert
Who goes to business school?
Dwight Schrute
The temp.
Jim Halpert
He does?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore.
Pam Beesly
You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'.
Dwight Schrute
He doesn't even know that I do that.
Pam Beesly
You should tell him.
Dwight Schrute
Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
Pam Beesly
Dwight.
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway.
Jim Halpert
You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them.
Dwight Schrute
Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. You're right.
Dwight Schrute
Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time.
Pam Beesly
Kay.
Song
Everybody hurts
Jim Halpert
Alright buddy.
Song
Everybody cries
Roy Anderson
Hey! Guys, what's going on?
Jim Halpert
Nothing.
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Song
Everybody hurts
Roy Anderson
What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit?
Song
Sometimes
Roy Anderson
The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes.

Scene 38

24 lines
Stanley Hudson
Come on people, you know the rules of the game now.
Michael Scott
Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here?
Stanley Hudson
Okay. It's called Who Would You Do?
Michael Scott
Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?
Roy Anderson
Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond?
Angela Martin
My name is Angela.
Roy Anderson
Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott
Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do?
Jim Halpert
Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling.
Michael Scott
Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business.
Roy Anderson
You're all gay.
Michael Scott
Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo...
Ryan Howard
(answers phone) Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing.
Michael Scott
Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So...
Dwight Schrute
Would that make you happy?
Michael Scott
What's that?
Dwight Schrute
If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
I'm on it.
Michael Scott
Dwight. Hey!
Angela Martin
You can't go in yet!
Michael Scott
Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen.
Kevin Malone
What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him.
Michael Scott
I didn't say it to him. I said it about him.

Scene 39

11 lines
Meredith Palmer
...Jim.
Phyllis Vance
Definitely Jim.
Kelly Kapoor
Definitely, definitely, Jim.
Phyllis Vance
Come on, Pam.
Kelly Kapoor
How about you Pam?
Pam Beesly
Um... Oscar's kind of cute.
Phyllis Vance
Yeah, I like Oscar.
Pam Beesly
Ooh, Toby!
Michael Scott
(in the background) How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either.
Meredith Palmer
Is there anybody else.
Kevin Malone
(clears his throat)

Scene 40

20 lines
Jim Halpert
(on the phone) Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs...
Michael Scott
Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find.
Ryan Howard
What's your number?
Michael Scott
I gave it to you in the car.
Ryan Howard
Um...
Michael Scott
I saw you program it in.
Ryan Howard
You got to... you got to give it to me again.
Michael Scott
Okay. Alright.
Ryan Howard
Now I have it.
Michael Scott
Uh, I better tell somebody. (to fireman) Excuse me, sir...
Dwight Schrute
(coughing)
Michael Scott
Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh.
Dwight Schrute
(coughing) Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing.
Michael Scott
Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school.
Dwight Schrute
That's exactly what I said.
Michael Scott
Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan?
Dwight Schrute
Were you absent?
Michael Scott
Toaster Oven 101?
Dwight Schrute
You failed?
Ryan Howard
I am so sorry.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.

Scene 42

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? (sings to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire") Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!
Dwight & Michael
(singing) Ryan started the fire! It was always burning---
Dwight Schrute
Everybody!
Michael Scott
(singing) ...since the world was turning.

Scene 43

1 line
Ryan Howard
I can't believe I started the fire.

Scene 44

4 lines
Dwight & Michael
(sing gibberish to "We Didn't Start the Fire")
Dwight Schrute
(singing) ... Marilyn Monroe!
Dwight & Michael
(singing) Ryan started the fire! It was always burning...
Dwight Schrute
Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!

Scene 45

13 lines
Katy
Hi!
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Katy
How are you?
Jim Halpert
Good, how are you?
Katy
I'm good. It's good to see you.
Jim Halpert
Good to see you, too.
Katy
I'm hungry.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I am too.
Katy
Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers.
Jim Halpert
What answers?
Katy
Um, for the... the desert island.
Jim Halpert
Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. (to everyone) Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. (to Katy) Desert Island. Five movies. Go.
Katy
Okay, um, first, Legally Blond.

Scene 46

1 line
Pam Beesly
I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car.

Scene 47

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch?
Katy
Okay.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?
Katy
Alright! You want to drive?
Jim Halpert
Sure.
Katy
Alright.

Scene 48

1 line
Katy
(looking at Roy and Pam) They are soo cute.

Scene 49

9 lines
Ryan Howard
I'm really sorry, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Answer me this, though.
Ryan Howard
What?
Dwight Schrute
Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp?
Ryan Howard
No.
Kevin Malone
Was it worth it?
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Ryan Howard
I'm really sorry, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
The fire guy! The fire guy!

Scene 50

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(sings) Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!

Scene 51

1 line
Michael Scott
Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer.

Scene 52

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.

Scene 53

1 line
Michael Scott
I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.