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Season 2 Episode 4
The Fire

Every line from The Office episode "The Fire", season 2 episode 4.

Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second.
Jim Halpert: Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker.
Pam Beesly: Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud?
Jim Halpert: So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye.
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Hey! You can just give her your extension.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Michael Scott: Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think.
Ryan Howard: The temp agency wants to know what you think.
Michael Scott: Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! (laughs)
Dwight Schrute: Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years.
Michael Scott: Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be?
Ryan Howard: Ah, well, I'm interested in business.
Michael Scott: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager?
Ryan Howard: Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company.
Michael Scott: That is ridiculous.
Michael Scott: Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.
Michael Scott: (speaks in a Yoda voice) Much advice you seek. (regular voice) Do you know who that is?
Ryan Howard: Fozzie bear?
Michael Scott: Mmm... No. That was Yoda.
Michael Scott: There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.
Ryan Howard: Got it.
Michael Scott: And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.
Michael Scott: (to Ryan) (makes clicking noises like shooting a gun) Hey!
Dwight Schrute: Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto.
Oscar Martinez: (in background, on phone) But it says no late fee... .
Dwight Schrute: (alarm sounds) People!
Angela Martin: Okay! Everybody!
Dwight Schrute: This is not a test! Move to the exits!
Angela Martin: Do not panic!
Dwight Schrute: Head towards the exits.
Angela Martin: Safety partners.
Dwight Schrute: Get up off your desks!
Angela Martin: Do not panic.
Oscar Martinez: (in phone) No, I don't hear it? Alright.
Dwight Schrute: No, panic is warranted!
Angela Martin: Go in single file lines.
Oscar Martinez: (in phone) No, no. Finish the...
Dwight Schrute: This is not at drill!
Angela Martin: Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides!
Dwight Schrute: Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively!
Angela Martin: Go, let's go.
Dwight Schrute: This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow!
Dwight Schrute: This is not a test! Can you leave?!
Phyllis Vance: Oh, you say that every time.
Dwight Schrute: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, boy...
Dwight Schrute: Do you want to die? OUT!!
Angela Martin: Alright, let's go, let's go.
Dwight Schrute: STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim?
Angela Martin: Come on, you're safety partners!
Dwight Schrute: Move to the exits!
Angela Martin: You're safety partners!
Dwight Schrute: We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! (Spots Kelly) Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you!
Kelly Kapoor: I'm okay!
Dwight Schrute: Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose.
Kelly Kapoor: Let go of me!
Dwight Schrute: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW!
Michael Scott: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.
Michael Scott: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he?
Michael Scott: So what was rule two?
Ryan Howard: Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off.
Michael Scott: Okay, uh, well, one is taken.
Ryan Howard: Uh, okay, two?
Dwight Schrute: NO!
Ryan Howard: Okay... uh, sorry?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today.
Michael Scott: Well, he needs a permanent number, right?
Ryan Howard: No.
Ryan Howard: ...I don't.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers.
Michael Scott: Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges.
Dwight Schrute: That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers...
Ryan Howard: I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Stanley is the "crossword puzzle guy". And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy".
Jim Halpert: Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do?
Stanley Hudson: Ooh.
Jim Halpert: And, um...
Pam Beesly: ...Would You Rather?
Jim Halpert: Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game.
Dwight Schrute: (to firemen) Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a...
Jim Halpert: Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela.
Angela Martin: The Bible.
Stanley Hudson: That's one book. You've got two others.
Angela Martin: A Purpose Driven Life.
Jim Halpert: Nice. Third book?
Angela Martin: No.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: Um, The DaVinci Code.
Angela Martin: The DaVinci Code!
Jim Halpert: Nice.
Angela Martin: I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island?
Jim Halpert: I guess.
Dwight Schrute: Then I would bring an axe, no books.
Jim Halpert: Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Fine. Physician's Desk Reference.
Jim Halpert: Nice. Smart.
Dwight Schrute: ...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash?
Michael Scott: Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it?
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Thought people read more books.
Jim Halpert: DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith?
Meredith Palmer: Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County...
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Pam Beesly: Legends of the Fall?
Jim Halpert: Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... .
Pam Beesly: Well, I kind of liked Legal...
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable.
Pam Beesly: I take it back.
Jim Halpert: Unforgivable.
Pam Beesly: I take it back!
Jim Halpert: Good.
Meredith Palmer: ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene...
Dwight Schrute: Is this your car, Ryan?
Michael Scott: Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh?
Ryan Howard: (to Dwight) Don't...
Dwight Schrute: Good shocks.
Michael Scott: Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for...
Ryan Howard: That's actually a test prep book.
Michael Scott: ...for Phone. What?
Ryan Howard: That's a test prep for business school.
Michael Scott: Um, oh, thinking about business school?
Ryan Howard: I just got in. I applied, I go at night.
Michael Scott: Really?
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Michael Scott: So you think you know a lot about business?
Ryan Howard: No, not yet.
Michael Scott: Uh huh.
Ryan Howard: Just started.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Quiz me.
Ryan Howard: I... wouldn't even know where to start.
Michael Scott: Come on, egghead. Let's do it.
Dwight Schrute: Do it.
Michael Scott: Quiz me up.
Ryan Howard: All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years?
Michael Scott: Uh...
Michael Scott: When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me.
Ryan Howard: Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer?
Dwight Schrute: Keep an existing...
Michael Scott: (to Dwight) Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? (to Ryan) Uh, it's equal.
Ryan Howard: It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer.
Michael Scott: Okay. Yes! It was a trick question.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks.
Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Self taught. You didn't even go to college.
Michael Scott: You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about.
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh?
Michael Scott: For instance, why don't you go to business...
Dwight Schrute: (to Ryan) You should learn from him, right?
Ryan Howard: I am.
Dwight Schrute: Right?
Ryan Howard: I am.
Michael Scott: Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will.
Dwight Schrute: Stupid!
Michael Scott: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all.
Michael Scott: Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be?
Ryan Howard: It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base.
Michael Scott: You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me.
Jim Halpert: Pam? Get us back into it.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Five movies. Go ahead.
Pam Beesly: Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused...
Jim Halpert: Ooh, definitely in my top five.
Pam Beesly: Yes. In my top three, so suck it.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and...
Jim Halpert: Okay that's five.
Pam Beesly: No, my all time favorite!
Jim Halpert: Pam, play by the rules.
Pam Beesly: All time favorite.
Jim Halpert: Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie.
Dwight Schrute: The Crow.
Michael Scott: I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think?
Ryan Howard: Maybe we should get some air.
Michael Scott: Nah, I'm okay.
Ryan Howard: I'm really uncomfortable.
Jim Halpert: All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do?
Kevin Malone: Present company excluded?
Jim Halpert: Um, not neccessari...
Kevin Malone: Pam.
Oscar Martinez: Pam.
Jim Halpert: Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then...
song: ("Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.) Think you've had too much / in this life.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back.
Stanley Hudson: Okay, um...
Jim Halpert: Dwight. Dwight.
Song: Everybody hurts,
Jim Halpert: Come on Dwight! Use words.
Song: Sometim... .
Dwight Schrute: Why didn't I go to business school?
Jim Halpert: Who goes to business school?
Dwight Schrute: The temp.
Jim Halpert: He does?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore.
Pam Beesly: You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'.
Dwight Schrute: He doesn't even know that I do that.
Pam Beesly: You should tell him.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted.
Pam Beesly: Dwight.
Jim Halpert: What?
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway.
Jim Halpert: You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them.
Dwight Schrute: Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. You're right.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time.
Pam Beesly: Kay.
Song: Everybody hurts
Jim Halpert: Alright buddy.
Song: Everybody cries
Roy Anderson: Hey! Guys, what's going on?
Jim Halpert: Nothing.
Pam Beesly: Hey!
Song: Everybody hurts
Roy Anderson: What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit?
Song: Sometimes
Roy Anderson: The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes.
Stanley Hudson: Come on people, you know the rules of the game now.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here?
Stanley Hudson: Okay. It's called Who Would You Do?
Michael Scott: Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy?
Roy Anderson: Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond?
Angela Martin: My name is Angela.
Roy Anderson: Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do?
Jim Halpert: Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling.
Michael Scott: Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business.
Roy Anderson: You're all gay.
Michael Scott: Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo...
Ryan Howard: (answers phone) Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing.
Michael Scott: Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So...
Dwight Schrute: Would that make you happy?
Michael Scott: What's that?
Dwight Schrute: If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: I'm on it.
Michael Scott: Dwight. Hey!
Angela Martin: You can't go in yet!
Michael Scott: Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen.
Kevin Malone: What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it to him. I said it about him.
Meredith Palmer: ...Jim.
Phyllis Vance: Definitely Jim.
Kelly Kapoor: Definitely, definitely, Jim.
Phyllis Vance: Come on, Pam.
Kelly Kapoor: How about you Pam?
Pam Beesly: Um... Oscar's kind of cute.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, I like Oscar.
Pam Beesly: Ooh, Toby!
Michael Scott: (in the background) How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either.
Meredith Palmer: Is there anybody else.
Kevin Malone: (clears his throat)
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs...
Michael Scott: Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find.
Ryan Howard: What's your number?
Michael Scott: I gave it to you in the car.
Ryan Howard: Um...
Michael Scott: I saw you program it in.
Ryan Howard: You got to... you got to give it to me again.
Michael Scott: Okay. Alright.
Ryan Howard: Now I have it.
Michael Scott: Uh, I better tell somebody. (to fireman) Excuse me, sir...
Dwight Schrute: (coughing)
Michael Scott: Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh.
Dwight Schrute: (coughing) Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing.
Michael Scott: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school.
Dwight Schrute: That's exactly what I said.
Michael Scott: Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan?
Dwight Schrute: Were you absent?
Michael Scott: Toaster Oven 101?
Dwight Schrute: You failed?
Ryan Howard: I am so sorry.
Michael Scott: Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans.
Dwight Schrute: I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? (sings to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire") Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning!
Dwight & Michael: (singing) Ryan started the fire! It was always burning---
Dwight Schrute: Everybody!
Michael Scott: (singing) ...since the world was turning.
Ryan Howard: I can't believe I started the fire.
Dwight & Michael: (sing gibberish to "We Didn't Start the Fire")
Dwight Schrute: (singing) ... Marilyn Monroe!
Dwight & Michael: (singing) Ryan started the fire! It was always burning...
Dwight Schrute: Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it!
Katy: Hi!
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Katy: How are you?
Jim Halpert: Good, how are you?
Katy: I'm good. It's good to see you.
Jim Halpert: Good to see you, too.
Katy: I'm hungry.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I am too.
Katy: Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers.
Jim Halpert: What answers?
Katy: Um, for the... the desert island.
Jim Halpert: Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. (to everyone) Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. (to Katy) Desert Island. Five movies. Go.
Katy: Okay, um, first, Legally Blond.
Pam Beesly: I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car.
Jim Halpert: Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch?
Katy: Okay.
Jim Halpert: Yeah?
Katy: Alright! You want to drive?
Jim Halpert: Sure.
Katy: Alright.
Katy: (looking at Roy and Pam) They are soo cute.
Ryan Howard: I'm really sorry, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Answer me this, though.
Ryan Howard: What?
Dwight Schrute: Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp?
Ryan Howard: No.
Kevin Malone: Was it worth it?
Dwight Schrute: Really?
Ryan Howard: I'm really sorry, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: The fire guy! The fire guy!
Dwight Schrute: (sings) Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire!
Michael Scott: Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer.
Michael Scott: Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart.
Michael Scott: I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.

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