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Season 2 Episode 5

Every line from The Office episode "Halloween", season 2 episode 5.

Michael Scott: Happy Halloween, everyone! (notices Pam, in her cat costume) Oh... that's great!
Pam Beesly: Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called.
Michael Scott: Ohh... OK.
Michael Scott: I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. (dials a number on his speaker phone) Okay.
Sherri: (on phone) Jan Levinson's office.
Michael Scott: Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning.
Sherri: Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day.
Sherri: I just need the name of who you're planning to let go.
Michael Scott: I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back.
Sherri: I know she wanted the name.
Michael Scott: Okay... Sherri?
Sherri: Yeah?
Michael Scott: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?
Sherri: Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thanks.
Sherri: Mm-Hmm.
Michael Scott: I'll call her back. (talks softy, to himself) Wish I could fire Sherri.
Sherri: Hey, I'm still here.
Michael Scott: Okay! I'm sorry.
Sherri: Yeah.
Michael Scott: No?
Sherri: OK.
Michael Scott: Bye.
Sherri: Hanging up now.
Michael Scott: I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about.
Pam Beesly: (entering) You wanted me?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: (notices Michael's costume) Papier-mache?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Hmm.
Michael Scott: Yeeesh.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pam Beesly: Why did you put it off until Halloween?
Michael Scott: Because it's very scary stuff.
Pam Beesly: I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little.
Michael Scott: You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.
Pam Beesly: So it's a man?
Michael Scott: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be?
Pam Beesly: I just answer the phone.
Michael Scott: And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
Pam Beesly: You're costume is fantastic! (laughs)
Michael Scott: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. (bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around)
Pam Beesly: Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. (Michael laughs) Aah! (laughs, then leaves) Okay...
Michael Scott: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.
Dwight Schrute: (eyeing Jim's costume) What is that?! What are you supposed to be?
Jim Halpert: I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.
Phyllis Vance: That's great!
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well look... (pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber) What about me?
Phyllis Vance: What are you? A monk?
Dwight Schrute: I am a Sith Lord. (looks at Jim) Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Phyllis Vance: Ass.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Oscar Martinez: Michael.
Michael Scott: You guys excited about the party?
Angela Martin: Yeah.
Michael Scott: It's gonna be fun.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Michael Scott: (looks to Oscar) Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.
Oscar Martinez: What are you implying?
Michael Scott: All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Angela Martin: You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?
Angela Martin: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
Angela Martin: But we don't keep two sets of books.
Michael Scott: Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.
Michael Scott: Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats.
Kelly Kapoor: Why is that?
Michael Scott: "Bend It Like Beckham."
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael Scott: (laughs) Yeah. That would be perfect.
Kelly Kapoor: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything.
Michael Scott: Well, I don't really have two heads. So...
Dwight Schrute: Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! (punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing)
Pam Beesly: Okay, greatest strength.
Jim Halpert: Okay, okay...
Pam Beesly: A dog-like obedience to authority
Jim Halpert: Nice.
Pam Beesly: But that doesn't sound good.
Jim Halpert: Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? (Pam laughs and types)
Jim Halpert: Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India.
Pam Beesly: He's a gun nut.
Jim Halpert: Um. He sticks to his guns.
Angela Martin: Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department...
Oscar Martinez: Yes?
Angela Martin: ... that has three people...
Oscar Martinez: Yeah?
Angela Martin: ... doing the work that could be done by two.
Oscar Martinez: This is great. (Angela shakes her head) Oh.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. Oh.
Michael Scott: Who do you think it should be?
Dwight Schrute: Jim. Definitely.
Michael Scott: No, Jim brings in money.
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis.
Michael Scott: Eh.
Dwight Schrute: Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.
Michael Scott: It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.
Dwight Schrute: One of the warehouse guys.
Michael Scott: (turns to the fake head, listening) What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight Schrute: Who is he saying?
Michael Scott: You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Dwight Schrute: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight Schrute: No, not me.
Michael Scott: Yeah... I could.
Dwight Schrute: Not Dwight.
Michael Scott: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight Schrute: I know that's what he said.
Michael Scott: (listening to his head) What?
Dwight Schrute: Tell him, not Dwight.
Michael Scott: That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight Schrute: Tell him to stop.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute: Quiet, you.
Michael Scott: I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Dwight Schrute: Make him be quiet.
Angela Martin: Those aren't chips and dip.
Pam Beesly: No, I made brownies.
Angela Martin: Uh!
Pam Beesly: ... What?
Angela Martin: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Pam Beesly: I made brownies.
Angela Martin: And I made cookies. Same category.
Pam Beesly: I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. (listens) Uh, yeah. (snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention) Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.
Jim Halpert: Um... Whoa. (picks up ringing phone)(in managerial voice) Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Stanley, could you come with me, please.
Stanley Hudson: No.
Dwight Schrute: As Assistant Regional Manager...
Stanley Hudson: To the.
Dwight Schrute: Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. (Stanley laughs.) I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.
Stanley Hudson: (laughs, and imitates Donald Trump) You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.
Michael Scott: So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?
Dwight Schrute: He wouldn't listen to me
Michael Scott: Ahh, come on.
Dwight Schrute: If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.
Michael Scott: I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... (waves Dwight away)
Dwight Schrute: (whispering on the phone) Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?
Dwight Schrute: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.
Oscar Martinez: Oh... hey.
Ryan Howard: Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just...
Oscar Martinez: Oh. (fixes his dress)
Dwight Schrute: (on the phone) So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... (stops and hangs up phone.)
Pam Beesly: Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real.
Pam Beesly: Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job.
Jim Halpert: Um... it's in Maryland.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. (starts walking away)
Pam Beesly: Jim...
Dwight Schrute: This is called leveraging an offer. (walks into Michael's office) Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Michael Scott: Oh, God.
Dwight Schrute: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Michael Scott: Fantastic!
Dwight Schrute: And I turned it down.
Michael Scott: What?! That would've solved all my problems.
Dwight Schrute: Out of loyalty to this company...
Michael Scott: Oh, you idiot.
Dwight Schrute: ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Michael Scott: If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Dwight Schrute: But then you wouldn't have me here.
Michael Scott: Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?
Dwight Schrute: It's in Maryland.
Michael Scott: You can call. Can you call 'em?
Dwight Schrute: I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Michael Scott: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.
Jim Halpert: Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.
Michael Scott: (clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head) Can I speak to you a minute?
Jim Halpert: Um... yes.
Jim Halpert: Michael, I really didn't mean to...
Michael Scott: Help. Me.
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry?
Michael Scott: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Jim Halpert: Oh, you want me to be you?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Michael Scott: I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Jim Halpert: Oh, are you firing Creed?
Michael Scott: No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.
Jim Halpert: We should switch seats in order to...
Michael Scott: Yes, that's a good idea.
Jim Halpert: Alright. (they stand up) Excuse me.(They sit down) I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...
Michael Scott: Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Michael Scott: I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!
Jim Halpert: That's an overreaction.
Michael Scott: Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
Jim Halpert: Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you...
Michael Scott: I... this is Creed.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Michael Scott: I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. (phone rings)
Jim Halpert: Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.
Michael Scott: And I'm very angry, and I want...
Jim Halpert: (picks up the phone) Michael Scott here.
Michael Scott: I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.
Jim Halpert: Toby? Mm hmm. (looks back to Michael) I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...
Michael Scott: Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.(sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.) Just, just... yeah.
Pam Beesly: What happened?
Jim Halpert: It wasn't me.
Pam Beesly: Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was...
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I know.
Michael Scott: Uh, hey... Creed?
Creed Bratton: Huh?
Michael Scott: Could I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop.
Creed Bratton: What are you telling me?
Michael Scott: I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better.
Creed Bratton: No, I don't. I wanna stay right here.
Michael Scott: No, you wanna leave.
Creed Bratton: No, I wanna stay here.
Michael Scott: Why... why are you making this so hard?
Creed Bratton: Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael.
Michael Scott: I think you're right.
Creed Bratton: Can I go?
Michael Scott: No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye.
Creed Bratton: Let's fight it.
Michael Scott: Hmm?
Creed Bratton: Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.
Michael Scott: What old days? What are you talking about?
Creed Bratton: Did you start the paperwork yet?
Michael Scott: It's right here on the desk, yeah.
Creed Bratton: You don't have to do this, Michael.
Michael Scott: I can't, I can't...
Creed Bratton: Undo it!
Michael Scott: I can't change anything. This is the way...
Creed Bratton: No, you have the power to undo it.
Michael Scott: I don't... okay, just listen.
Creed Bratton: Michael, undo it!
Michael Scott: Don't...
Michael Scott: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?
Michael Scott: I have to fire someone today, okay?
Creed Bratton: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.
Michael Scott: Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
Creed Bratton: No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man.
Michael Scott: Don't...
Creed Bratton: Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good.
Michael Scott: Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?
Devon: Creed's an idiot, you know that.
Michael Scott: Well, he...
Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time.
Michael Scott: Well, maybe I did.
Devon: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man.
Michael Scott: Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
Devon: That's why I'm being fired?
Michael Scott: No.
Devon: So you might not look like an idiot?
Michael Scott: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and...
Devon: This is unbelievable!
Michael Scott: I just hope that you and I can remain friends.
Michael Scott: Devon, wait, please.
Devon: What!
Michael Scott: Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings.
Devon: (takes the gift certificate and tears it up) Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell!
Angela Martin: (watching nearly everyone leave) What about the Halloween party?
Pam Beesly: Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.
Jim Halpert: (motions for her to follow him) Come on.
Jim Halpert: That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.
Michael Scott: I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.
Children: (ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo) Trick or treat!
Michael Scott: He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great.
Kid: I'm a bumble bee.
Michael Scott: You look great! And you're a princess?
Kid: A fairy princess.
Michael Scott: A fairy princess. You're very... .
Kid: I'm a lion.
Michael Scott: You're a lion. (trying to to open a bag of candy) Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! (the bag tears open, spilling all the candy) Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 2. Halloween is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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