Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Halloween

Vol. 2 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Michael Scott waited until the absolute last second to fire an employee, and naturally, he picked the one day everyone was in costume. You'll find every line from the episode here, from Three-hole Punch Jim's low-effort brilliance to Devon's final, angry invitation to Poor Richard's. It's the complete script for when you need to relive the cringiest firing in Dunder Mifflin history.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
Happy Halloween, everyone! (notices Pam, in her cat costume) Oh... that's great!
Pam Beesly
Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called.
Michael Scott
Ohh... OK.

Scene 02

22 lines
Michael Scott
I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. (dials a number on his speaker phone) Okay.
Sherri
(on phone) Jan Levinson's office.
Michael Scott
Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning.
Sherri
Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go.
Michael Scott
Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day.
Sherri
I just need the name of who you're planning to let go.
Michael Scott
I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back.
Sherri
I know she wanted the name.
Michael Scott
Okay... Sherri?
Sherri
Yeah?
Michael Scott
If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you?
Sherri
Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thanks.
Sherri
Mm-Hmm.
Michael Scott
I'll call her back. (talks softy, to himself) Wish I could fire Sherri.
Sherri
Hey, I'm still here.
Michael Scott
Okay! I'm sorry.
Sherri
Yeah.
Michael Scott
No?
Sherri
OK.
Michael Scott
Bye.
Sherri
Hanging up now.

Scene 03

21 lines
Michael Scott
I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about.
Pam Beesly
(entering) You wanted me?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
(notices Michael's costume) Papier-mache?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
Hmm.
Michael Scott
Yeeesh.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott
Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Pam Beesly
Why did you put it off until Halloween?
Michael Scott
Because it's very scary stuff.
Pam Beesly
I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little.
Michael Scott
You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here.
Pam Beesly
So it's a man?
Michael Scott
No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be?
Pam Beesly
I just answer the phone.
Michael Scott
And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail.
Pam Beesly
You're costume is fantastic! (laughs)
Michael Scott
I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. (bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around)
Pam Beesly
Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. (Michael laughs) Aah! (laughs, then leaves) Okay...
Michael Scott
Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody.

Scene 04

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
(eyeing Jim's costume) What is that?! What are you supposed to be?
Jim Halpert
I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch.
Phyllis Vance
That's great!
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, well look... (pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber) What about me?
Phyllis Vance
What are you? A monk?
Dwight Schrute
I am a Sith Lord. (looks at Jim) Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars.
Phyllis Vance
Ass.

Scene 05

16 lines
Michael Scott
Hey.
Oscar Martinez
Michael.
Michael Scott
You guys excited about the party?
Angela Martin
Yeah.
Michael Scott
It's gonna be fun.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Angela Martin
Yes.
Michael Scott
(looks to Oscar) Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day.
Oscar Martinez
What are you implying?
Michael Scott
All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such?
Angela Martin
You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night.
Michael Scott
Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good?
Angela Martin
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers.
Angela Martin
But we don't keep two sets of books.
Michael Scott
Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it.

Scene 06

7 lines
Michael Scott
Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats.
Kelly Kapoor
Why is that?
Michael Scott
"Bend It Like Beckham."
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer?
Michael Scott
(laughs) Yeah. That would be perfect.
Kelly Kapoor
Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything.
Michael Scott
Well, I don't really have two heads. So...

Scene 07

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! (punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing)

Scene 08

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay, greatest strength.
Jim Halpert
Okay, okay...
Pam Beesly
A dog-like obedience to authority
Jim Halpert
Nice.
Pam Beesly
But that doesn't sound good.
Jim Halpert
Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? (Pam laughs and types)

Scene 09

1 line
Jim Halpert
Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India.

Scene 10

2 lines
Pam Beesly
He's a gun nut.
Jim Halpert
Um. He sticks to his guns.

Scene 11

7 lines
Angela Martin
Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department...
Oscar Martinez
Yes?
Angela Martin
... that has three people...
Oscar Martinez
Yeah?
Angela Martin
... doing the work that could be done by two.
Oscar Martinez
This is great. (Angela shakes her head) Oh.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. Oh.

Scene 12

6 lines
Michael Scott
Who do you think it should be?
Dwight Schrute
Jim. Definitely.
Michael Scott
No, Jim brings in money.
Dwight Schrute
Phyllis.
Michael Scott
Eh.
Dwight Schrute
Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela.

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale.

Scene 14

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
One of the warehouse guys.
Michael Scott
(turns to the fake head, listening) What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight Schrute
Who is he saying?
Michael Scott
You're right, I didn't even think of him.
Dwight Schrute
No, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight Schrute
No, not me.
Michael Scott
Yeah... I could.
Dwight Schrute
Not Dwight.
Michael Scott
I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight Schrute
I know that's what he said.
Michael Scott
(listening to his head) What?
Dwight Schrute
Tell him, not Dwight.
Michael Scott
That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight Schrute
Tell him to stop.
Michael Scott
Are you kidding?
Dwight Schrute
Quiet, you.
Michael Scott
I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Dwight Schrute
Make him be quiet.

Scene 15

7 lines
Angela Martin
Those aren't chips and dip.
Pam Beesly
No, I made brownies.
Angela Martin
Uh!
Pam Beesly
... What?
Angela Martin
I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Pam Beesly
I made brownies.
Angela Martin
And I made cookies. Same category.

Scene 16

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.

Scene 17

1 line
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. (listens) Uh, yeah. (snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim's attention) Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott.

Scene 18

1 line
Jim Halpert
Um... Whoa. (picks up ringing phone)(in managerial voice) Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay.

Scene 19

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Stanley, could you come with me, please.
Stanley Hudson
No.
Dwight Schrute
As Assistant Regional Manager...
Stanley Hudson
To the.
Dwight Schrute
Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. (Stanley laughs.) I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry.
Stanley Hudson
(laughs, and imitates Donald Trump) You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone.

Scene 20

5 lines
Michael Scott
So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it?
Dwight Schrute
He wouldn't listen to me
Michael Scott
Ahh, come on.
Dwight Schrute
If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself.
Michael Scott
I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... (waves Dwight away)

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(whispering on the phone) Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number?

Scene 22

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Scene 23

3 lines
Oscar Martinez
Oh... hey.
Ryan Howard
Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just...
Oscar Martinez
Oh. (fixes his dress)

Scene 24

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(on the phone) So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... (stops and hangs up phone.)

Scene 25

1 line
Pam Beesly
Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real.

Scene 26

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job.
Jim Halpert
Um... it's in Maryland.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. (starts walking away)
Pam Beesly
Jim...

Scene 27

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
This is called leveraging an offer. (walks into Michael's office) Michael, can I talk to you for a moment?
Michael Scott
Oh, God.
Dwight Schrute
I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills.
Michael Scott
Fantastic!
Dwight Schrute
And I turned it down.
Michael Scott
What?! That would've solved all my problems.
Dwight Schrute
Out of loyalty to this company...
Michael Scott
Oh, you idiot.
Dwight Schrute
... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially.
Michael Scott
If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody.
Dwight Schrute
But then you wouldn't have me here.
Michael Scott
Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back?
Dwight Schrute
It's in Maryland.
Michael Scott
You can call. Can you call 'em?
Dwight Schrute
I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway.
Michael Scott
Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God.

Scene 28

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma.
Michael Scott
(clearing his throat and interrupting Jim's talking head) Can I speak to you a minute?
Jim Halpert
Um... yes.

Scene 29

28 lines
Jim Halpert
Michael, I really didn't mean to...
Michael Scott
Help. Me.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry?
Michael Scott
I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Jim Halpert
Oh, you want me to be you?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Jim Halpert
Oh, are you firing Creed?
Michael Scott
No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head.
Jim Halpert
We should switch seats in order to...
Michael Scott
Yes, that's a good idea.
Jim Halpert
Alright. (they stand up) Excuse me.(They sit down) I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...
Michael Scott
Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Michael Scott
I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault!
Jim Halpert
That's an overreaction.
Michael Scott
Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month.
Jim Halpert
Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you...
Michael Scott
I... this is Creed.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. (phone rings)
Jim Halpert
Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought.
Michael Scott
And I'm very angry, and I want...
Jim Halpert
(picks up the phone) Michael Scott here.
Michael Scott
I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me.
Jim Halpert
Toby? Mm hmm. (looks back to Michael) I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth...
Michael Scott
Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off.(sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off.) Just, just... yeah.

Scene 30

4 lines
Pam Beesly
What happened?
Jim Halpert
It wasn't me.
Pam Beesly
Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was...
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I know.

Scene 31

3 lines
Michael Scott
Uh, hey... Creed?
Creed Bratton
Huh?
Michael Scott
Could I talk to you for a second?

Scene 32

25 lines
Michael Scott
You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop.
Creed Bratton
What are you telling me?
Michael Scott
I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better.
Creed Bratton
No, I don't. I wanna stay right here.
Michael Scott
No, you wanna leave.
Creed Bratton
No, I wanna stay here.
Michael Scott
Why... why are you making this so hard?
Creed Bratton
Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael.
Michael Scott
I think you're right.
Creed Bratton
Can I go?
Michael Scott
No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye.
Creed Bratton
Let's fight it.
Michael Scott
Hmm?
Creed Bratton
Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days.
Michael Scott
What old days? What are you talking about?
Creed Bratton
Did you start the paperwork yet?
Michael Scott
It's right here on the desk, yeah.
Creed Bratton
You don't have to do this, Michael.
Michael Scott
I can't, I can't...
Creed Bratton
Undo it!
Michael Scott
I can't change anything. This is the way...
Creed Bratton
No, you have the power to undo it.
Michael Scott
I don't... okay, just listen.
Creed Bratton
Michael, undo it!
Michael Scott
Don't...

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask?

Scene 34

6 lines
Michael Scott
I have to fire someone today, okay?
Creed Bratton
Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon.
Michael Scott
Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you.
Creed Bratton
No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man.
Michael Scott
Don't...
Creed Bratton
Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
Devon, could I talk to you for a sec?

Scene 36

12 lines
Devon
Creed's an idiot, you know that.
Michael Scott
Well, he...
Devon
No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time.
Michael Scott
Well, maybe I did.
Devon
Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man.
Michael Scott
Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot.
Devon
That's why I'm being fired?
Michael Scott
No.
Devon
So you might not look like an idiot?
Michael Scott
No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and...
Devon
This is unbelievable!
Michael Scott
I just hope that you and I can remain friends.

Scene 37

5 lines
Michael Scott
Devon, wait, please.
Devon
What!
Michael Scott
Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings.
Devon
(takes the gift certificate and tears it up) Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell!
Angela Martin
(watching nearly everyone leave) What about the Halloween party?

Scene 38

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out.
Jim Halpert
(motions for her to follow him) Come on.

Scene 39

1 line
Jim Halpert
That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food.

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year.

Scene 41

8 lines
Children
(ringing the doorbell of Michael's Condo) Trick or treat!
Michael Scott
He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great.
Kid
I'm a bumble bee.
Michael Scott
You look great! And you're a princess?
Kid
A fairy princess.
Michael Scott
A fairy princess. You're very... .
Kid
I'm a lion.
Michael Scott
You're a lion. (trying to to open a bag of candy) Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! (the bag tears open, spilling all the candy) Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.