Every line from The Office episode "The Fight", season 2 episode 6.
Dwight Schrute: Where is my desk?
Jim Halpert: That is weird.
Dwight Schrute: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
Jim Halpert: Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't lose my desk.
Jim Halpert: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Dwight Schrute: Okay, who moved my desk?
Jim Halpert: I think you should retrace your steps.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!
Jim Halpert: Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.
Dwight Schrute: (In bathroom, answers phone) Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert: (On the phone with Dwight) Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.
Dwight Schrute: It's by the ream?
Jim Halpert: Uh, yeah, ream.
Dwight Schrute: ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.
Jim Halpert: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.
Dwight Schrute: Wash your hands, Kevin.
Jim Halpert: (On the phone) Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second...
Dwight Schrute: (Also on the phone) Sensei, hello it's Sempai...
Dwight Schrute: Dwight...
Jim Halpert: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks.
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.
Jim Halpert: Was that your mom?
Dwight Schrute: No, that was my Sensei.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I thought it was your mom.
Dwight Schrute: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Jim Halpert: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant Sensei.
Michael Scott: (singing and tapping on his coffee mug) I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.
Ryan Howard: Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Michael Scott: Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Ryan Howard: Why is that secret? (Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office)
Michael Scott: (to Pam) Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.
Pam Beesly: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign.
Michael Scott: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign.
Pam Beesly: It's just last year you...
Michael Scott: Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?
Pam Beesly: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.
Michael Scott: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Ryan Howard: Updating emergency contacts.
Pam Beesly: Well, is that really a priority?
Michael Scott: Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Michael Scott: Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?
Jim Halpert: Uh, Larissa Halpert.
Ryan Howard: What's her address? (Ryan's cell phone rings)
Jim Halpert: 117 Mount Bergin St.
Michael Scott: (in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice) Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Ryan Howard: Do you mean Neverland?
Michael Scott: This is Tito.
Michael Scott: Calling from... (Ryan hangs up)
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?
Dwight Schrute: Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.
Dwight Schrute: Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.
Jim Halpert: Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. (reveals Dwight's purple belt)
Dwight Schrute: Ok, give that back to me.
Jim Halpert: Ok, say please.
Dwight Schrute: No. That is not a toy.
Jim Halpert: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou.
Dwight Schrute: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.
Dwight Schrute: No women or children, unless provoked.
Dwight Schrute: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.
Jim Halpert: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Dwight Schrute: Because we're friends.
Michael Scott: Because I would kick his ass.
Jim Halpert: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so...
Michael Scott: So? I've beaten up black belts.
Jim Halpert: Uh, how did you know they were black belts?
Michael Scott: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out.
Michael Scott: And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again.
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, (starts snapping) you're a Jet all the way, right?
Michael Scott: You were a Jet?
Angela Martin: Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Michael Scott: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. (Puts Dwight in a headlock) Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link.
Michael Scott: Just hit me. You'll see.
Jim Halpert: I can't. I just got a manicure.
Michael Scott: Oh, queer... (realizes he is on camera) eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.
Jim Halpert: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?
Dwight Schrute: What belt are they?
Michael Scott: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'...
Michael Scott: ... he cried at the end of it. He did.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.
Michael Scott: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I'll punch you.
Michael Scott: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.
Michael Scott: Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!
Jim Halpert: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
Pam Beesly: I don't know.
Jim Halpert: Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips.
Pam Beesly: French Onion?
Dwight Schrute: (to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight) Take this pen and stab me with it.
Michael Scott: (Pam knocks on his door) Go away.
Pam Beesly: I just have a quick question.
Michael Scott: I haven't signed them, ok?
Pam Beesly: No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Michael Scott: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.
Pam Beesly: He's a purple belt. That's really high.
Michael Scott: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him.
Pam Beesly: It's just out there, you...
Michael Scott: Oh, so that's what they are saying?
Michael Scott: Ok, alright, where is Dwight?
Jim Halpert: Uh, Kitchen.
Kelly Kapoor: Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Now watch, let me take you from behind.
Michael Scott: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
Dwight Schrute: I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.
Michael Scott: No, Really?
Dwight Schrute: In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.
Michael Scott: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!
Michael Scott: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.
Dwight Schrute: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.
Michael Scott: You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now.
Jim Halpert: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?
Michael Scott: No, they must have class.
Dwight Schrute: No, it's free during the day. It's fine.
Dwight Schrute: I've got the key.
Toby Flenderson: Michael...
Michael Scott: Hey, Toby.
Toby Flenderson: Any word on those time cards?
Michael Scott: I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools.
Jim Halpert: (Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves) Wow, that is really interesting.
Jim Halpert: Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything.
Pam Beesly: Well, look closer.
Jim Halpert: (Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face) Oh, ok.
Pam Beesly: Once point for me.
Jim Halpert: (Gently taps Pam on the forehead) Tied up.
Pam Beesly: Oh, you're dead.
Jim Halpert: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now.
Pam Beesly: Hey, put me down. Put me down. (Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam) Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey...
Ira: Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Sensei!
Michael Scott: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.
Dwight Schrute: Hiii! (kicks Michael)
Michael Scott: What the hell was that?
Ira: Dwight - awarded a point.
Michael Scott: Alright, that's the way you want it.
Dwight Schrute: Two more.
Michael Scott: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.
Kevin Malone: Sweep the leg.
Michael Scott: I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.
Michael Scott: I got his pants.
Dwight Schrute: It was my pants.
Ira: No points for pants.
Michael Scott: Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! (Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight)
Ira: Clean single kick, gentlemen.
Michael Scott: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.
Dwight Schrute: No holding.
Michael Scott: You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. (Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight) Eight points. Nine points. (Begins to hock a loogie)
Dwight Schrute: No, stop it! Come on! Michael.
Michael Scott: Open your mouth.
Dwight Schrute: No, Michael!
Michael Scott: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
Michael Scott: (knock at the door) Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?
Dwight Schrute: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan Howard: Ok, to what?
Dwight Schrute: Just put "The Hospital." Contact number: just put 9-1-1. (Dwight leaves)
Michael Scott: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.
Michael Scott: (Knock at the door) Yeah.
Ryan Howard: I have the emergency contacts.
Michael Scott: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?
Ryan Howard: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably.
Michael Scott: If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday.
Michael Scott: Alright, bye.
Angela Martin: Michael, did you finish yet?
Michael Scott: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
Dwight Schrute: I'm busy.
Michael Scott: Well, (points at himself) busier. Making the time.
Stanley Hudson: Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday.
Toby Flenderson: We want to go home.
Michael Scott: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby.
Pam Beesly: The shipping place closes in a half hour.
Michael Scott: I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight.
Michael Scott: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?
Dwight Schrute: Of course.
Michael Scott: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I don't know...
Michael Scott: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.
Dwight Schrute: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Michael Scott: No, no, title change only.
Dwight Schrute: I'll have Pam send out a memo.
Michael Scott: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now.
Dwight Schrute: Just a formality.
Michael Scott: Absolutely but not really.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Michael Scott: Yes you do.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you, Sensei.
Michael Scott: And, ditto.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 6 season 2. The Fight is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.