Scene 0119 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Where is my desk?Jim HalpertOpen quote: That is weird.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I didn't lose my desk.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay, who moved my desk?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I think you should retrace your steps.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (In bathroom, answers phone) Dwight Schrute.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (On the phone with Dwight) Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's by the ream?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, yeah, ream.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wash your hands, Kevin.
Scene 0213 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (On the phone) Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (Also on the phone) Sensei, hello it's Sempai...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Umm...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Dwight...Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Was that your mom?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, that was my Sensei.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I thought it was your mom.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Assistant Sensei.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok.
Scene 031 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.
Scene 042 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: I don't want to stay until seven again this year.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't really have any control over that Stanley.
Scene 051 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm.
Scene 0616 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (singing and tapping on his coffee mug) I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Did you ask me here for any specific reason?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Why is that secret? (Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office)Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Pam) Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, thank you. I know where to sign.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's just last year you...Michael ScottOpen quote: Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.Michael ScottOpen quote: Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Updating emergency contacts.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, is that really a priority?Michael ScottOpen quote: Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Catch-22.Michael ScottOpen quote: Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?
Scene 079 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, Larissa Halpert.Ryan HowardOpen quote: What's her address? (Ryan's cell phone rings)Jim HalpertOpen quote: 117 Mount Bergin St.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hello?Michael ScottOpen quote: (in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice) Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Do you mean Neverland?Michael ScottOpen quote: This is Tito.Ryan HowardOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Calling from... (Ryan hangs up)
Scene 086 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (Reading Jim's palm) You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You making this up as you go along, aren't you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I am just following the website.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, at least I don't have cavities.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes, you have very nice teeth.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks.
Scene 096 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Who is your emergency contact? (Ryan's phone rings)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Stacy.Ryan HowardOpen quote: (looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up)Michael ScottOpen quote: (Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention) Pick up.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hello?Michael ScottOpen quote: (in a high pitched voice) This is Mike Tyson.
Scene 1012 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No I'm not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. (reveals Dwight's purple belt)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, give that back to me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, say please.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No. That is not a toy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Please?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Please?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.
Scene 112 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Could you practice on the forms?
Scene 1211 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: No women or children, unless provoked.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, Roy?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Because we're friends.Michael ScottOpen quote: Because I would kick his ass.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: So? I've beaten up black belts.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, how did you know they were black belts?Michael ScottOpen quote: They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out.
Scene 134 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Is your wife still your contact?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now.Ryan HowardOpen quote: 'Kay.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: You don't need to write 'ex'.
Scene 146 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, (starts snapping) you're a Jet all the way, right?Michael ScottOpen quote: You were a Jet?Angela MartinOpen quote: Have you signed the expense reports yet?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. (Puts Dwight in a headlock) Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Argggg!
Scene 151 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.
Scene 1616 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Just hit me. You'll see.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I can't. I just got a manicure.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, queer... (realizes he is on camera) eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Just have Dwight punch you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What belt are they?Michael ScottOpen quote: Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No!Michael ScottOpen quote: ... he cried at the end of it. He did.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, I'll punch you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Kiyah!Michael ScottOpen quote: Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!
Scene 171 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.
Scene 182 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. (Jim opens office door for Michael) Thank you.
Scene 191 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
Scene 2046 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't know.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: French Onion?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Obviously.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ok.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight) Take this pen and stab me with it.Michael ScottOpen quote: (Pam knocks on his door) Go away.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I just have a quick question.Michael ScottOpen quote: I haven't signed them, ok?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?Michael ScottOpen quote: Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He's a purple belt. That's really high.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's just out there, you...Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, so that's what they are saying?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok, alright, where is Dwight?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Uh, Kitchen.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Hi-yah!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Now watch, let me take you from behind.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, Really?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!Michael ScottOpen quote: Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, they must have class.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, it's free during the day. It's fine.Michael ScottOpen quote: Look...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I've got the key.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael...Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, Toby.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Any word on those time cards?Michael ScottOpen quote: I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools.
Scene 211 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight...
Scene 225 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.IraOpen quote: Uh, no, it's not.Michael ScottOpen quote: I think it is. A guy told me about that.IraOpen quote: Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh.
Scene 2310 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves) Wow, that is really interesting.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Well, look closer.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face) Oh, ok.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Once point for me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Gently taps Pam on the forehead) Tied up.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, you're dead.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, put me down. Put me down. (Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam) Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey...
Scene 2430 linesIraOpen quote: Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, Sensei!Michael ScottOpen quote: Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.IraOpen quote: Shi mate!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hiii! (kicks Michael)Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey!IraOpen quote: Alright, break.Michael ScottOpen quote: What the hell was that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes!IraOpen quote: Dwight - awarded a point.Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Eat it!Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, that's the way you want it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Two more.Michael ScottOpen quote: Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Sweep the leg.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: I got his pants.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It was my pants.IraOpen quote: No points for pants.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! (Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight)IraOpen quote: Clean single kick, gentlemen.Michael ScottOpen quote: Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.IraOpen quote: Ok, break. Break.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No holding.Michael ScottOpen quote: You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. (Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight) Eight points. Nine points. (Begins to hock a loogie)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, stop it! Come on! Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Open your mouth.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, Michael!
Scene 251 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. (Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot) There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. (Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling) Oh, we're playing phone tag.
Scene 261 lineRyan's VoicemailOpen quote: Seven new messages. First New Message. (Michael's voice) "Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein." Next new message. "Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!"
Scene 277 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Fudge?Michael ScottOpen quote: (knock at the door) Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Ok, to what?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just put "The Hospital." Contact number: just put 9-1-1. (Dwight leaves)Michael ScottOpen quote: He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.
Scene 283 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Later Jim.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Later, Kev. (Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk) Have a good weekend.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, you too.
Scene 297 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (Knock at the door) Yeah.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I have the emergency contacts.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably.Michael ScottOpen quote: If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, bye.
Scene 3010 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Dwight?Angela MartinOpen quote: Michael, did you finish yet?Michael ScottOpen quote: This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm busy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, (points at himself) busier. Making the time.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: We want to go home.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: The shipping place closes in a half hour.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight.
Scene 3215 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Of course.Michael ScottOpen quote: And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael, I don't know...Michael ScottOpen quote: I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, title change only.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'll have Pam send out a memo.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just a formality.Michael ScottOpen quote: Absolutely but not really.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael, I have so much to learn from you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes you do.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you, Sensei.Michael ScottOpen quote: And, ditto.
Scene 331 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.
