Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Fight

Vol. 2 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

Here’s every word and hilarious interaction from "The Fight," including the infamous showdown at Dwight’s karate dojo. You can read through the full script to catch Michael’s struggle with his paperwork and the awkward tension between Jim and Pam. Every line from the episode is right here, from the "Perfect Storm" to the final match at the dojo.

Scene 01

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
Where is my desk?
Jim Halpert
That is weird.
Dwight Schrute
This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional.
Jim Halpert
Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk.
Dwight Schrute
I didn't lose my desk.
Jim Halpert
Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it?
Dwight Schrute
Okay, who moved my desk?
Jim Halpert
I think you should retrace your steps.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished!
Jim Halpert
Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot.
Dwight Schrute
(In bathroom, answers phone) Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert
(On the phone with Dwight) Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model.
Dwight Schrute
Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times.
Jim Halpert
I know.
Dwight Schrute
It's by the ream?
Jim Halpert
Uh, yeah, ream.
Dwight Schrute
...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%.
Jim Halpert
Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work.
Dwight Schrute
Wash your hands, Kevin.

Scene 02

13 lines
Jim Halpert
(On the phone) Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second...
Dwight Schrute
(Also on the phone) Sensei, hello it's Sempai...
Jim Halpert
Umm...
Dwight Schrute
Dwight...
Jim Halpert
You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks.
Dwight Schrute
Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai.
Jim Halpert
Was that your mom?
Dwight Schrute
No, that was my Sensei.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I thought it was your mom.
Dwight Schrute
I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Jim Halpert
Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.
Dwight Schrute
Assistant Sensei.
Jim Halpert
Ok.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei.

Scene 04

2 lines
Stanley Hudson
I don't want to stay until seven again this year.
Pam Beesly
I don't really have any control over that Stanley.

Scene 05

1 line
Pam Beesly
Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm.

Scene 06

16 lines
Michael Scott
(singing and tapping on his coffee mug) I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day.
Ryan Howard
Did you ask me here for any specific reason?
Michael Scott
Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Ryan Howard
Why is that secret? (Pam knocks and walks into Michael's office)
Michael Scott
(to Pam) Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin.
Pam Beesly
Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign.
Michael Scott
Yes, thank you. I know where to sign.
Pam Beesly
It's just last year you...
Michael Scott
Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam?
Pam Beesly
Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier.
Michael Scott
Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is.
Ryan Howard
Updating emergency contacts.
Pam Beesly
Well, is that really a priority?
Michael Scott
Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Ryan Howard
Catch-22.
Michael Scott
Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell?

Scene 07

9 lines
Jim Halpert
Uh, Larissa Halpert.
Ryan Howard
What's her address? (Ryan's cell phone rings)
Jim Halpert
117 Mount Bergin St.
Ryan Howard
Hello?
Michael Scott
(in his office on his cell phone, talking in a fake high voice) Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
Ryan Howard
Do you mean Neverland?
Michael Scott
This is Tito.
Ryan Howard
What?
Michael Scott
Calling from... (Ryan hangs up)

Scene 08

6 lines
Pam Beesly
(Reading Jim's palm) You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks.
Jim Halpert
You making this up as you go along, aren't you?
Pam Beesly
I am just following the website.
Jim Halpert
Well, at least I don't have cavities.
Pam Beesly
Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Jim Halpert
Thanks.

Scene 09

6 lines
Ryan Howard
Who is your emergency contact? (Ryan's phone rings)
Kevin Malone
Stacy.
Ryan Howard
(looks to see who is calling but doesn't pick up)
Michael Scott
(Taps on the glass in his office to get Ryan's attention) Pick up.
Ryan Howard
Hello?
Michael Scott
(in a high pitched voice) This is Mike Tyson.

Scene 10

12 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist?
Dwight Schrute
Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me.
Jim Halpert
No I'm not.
Dwight Schrute
Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you.
Jim Halpert
Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. (reveals Dwight's purple belt)
Dwight Schrute
Ok, give that back to me.
Jim Halpert
Ok, say please.
Dwight Schrute
No. That is not a toy.
Jim Halpert
Please?
Dwight Schrute
Please?
Jim Halpert
Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou.
Dwight Schrute
Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.

Scene 11

2 lines
Michael Scott
And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man.
Pam Beesly
Could you practice on the forms?

Scene 12

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
No women or children, unless provoked.
Jim Halpert
Ok, Roy?
Dwight Schrute
Warehouse guy. Doesn't count.
Jim Halpert
Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Dwight Schrute
Because we're friends.
Michael Scott
Because I would kick his ass.
Jim Halpert
Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so...
Michael Scott
So? I've beaten up black belts.
Jim Halpert
Uh, how did you know they were black belts?
Michael Scott
They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out.

Scene 13

4 lines
Ryan Howard
Is your wife still your contact?
Toby Flenderson
Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now.
Ryan Howard
'Kay.
Toby Flenderson
You don't need to write 'ex'.

Scene 14

6 lines
Michael Scott
And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again.
Jim Halpert
Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, (starts snapping) you're a Jet all the way, right?
Michael Scott
You were a Jet?
Angela Martin
Have you signed the expense reports yet?
Michael Scott
Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. (Puts Dwight in a headlock) Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link.
Dwight Schrute
Argggg!

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up.

Scene 16

16 lines
Michael Scott
Just hit me. You'll see.
Jim Halpert
I can't. I just got a manicure.
Michael Scott
Oh, queer... (realizes he is on camera) eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it.
Jim Halpert
Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael Scott
Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim Halpert
You know a ton of fourteen year old girls?
Dwight Schrute
What belt are they?
Michael Scott
Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'...
Dwight Schrute
No!
Michael Scott
... he cried at the end of it. He did.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight.
Michael Scott
Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid?
Dwight Schrute
Ok, I'll punch you.
Michael Scott
Ok, here we go. Alright, come on.
Dwight Schrute
Kiyah!
Michael Scott
Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh!

Scene 17

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.

Scene 18

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright?
Michael Scott
Yeah. (Jim opens office door for Michael) Thank you.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

Scene 20

46 lines
Jim Halpert
Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
Pam Beesly
I don't know.
Jim Halpert
Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips.
Pam Beesly
French Onion?
Jim Halpert
Obviously.
Pam Beesly
Ok.
Jim Halpert
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
(to Kevin, who he is teaching to fight) Take this pen and stab me with it.
Michael Scott
(Pam knocks on his door) Go away.
Pam Beesly
I just have a quick question.
Michael Scott
I haven't signed them, ok?
Pam Beesly
No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car?
Michael Scott
Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough.
Pam Beesly
He's a purple belt. That's really high.
Michael Scott
Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him.
Pam Beesly
It's just out there, you...
Michael Scott
Oh, so that's what they are saying?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Ok, alright, where is Dwight?
Jim Halpert
Uh, Kitchen.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Kelly Kapoor
Hi-yah!
Dwight Schrute
Good.
Kelly Kapoor
Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Now watch, let me take you from behind.
Kelly Kapoor
What?
Michael Scott
Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
Dwight Schrute
I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.
Michael Scott
No, Really?
Dwight Schrute
In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai.
Michael Scott
Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go!
Michael Scott
Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor.
Dwight Schrute
No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective.
Michael Scott
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now.
Jim Halpert
Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo?
Michael Scott
No, they must have class.
Dwight Schrute
No, it's free during the day. It's fine.
Michael Scott
Look...
Dwight Schrute
I've got the key.
Toby Flenderson
Michael...
Michael Scott
Hey, Toby.
Toby Flenderson
Any word on those time cards?
Michael Scott
I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools.

Scene 21

1 line
Jim Halpert
Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight...

Scene 22

5 lines
Michael Scott
I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll.
Ira
Uh, no, it's not.
Michael Scott
I think it is. A guy told me about that.
Ira
Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline.
Michael Scott
Oh.

Scene 23

10 lines
Jim Halpert
(Reading Pam's palm, while she has on extremely padded gloves) Wow, that is really interesting.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything.
Pam Beesly
Well, look closer.
Jim Halpert
(Jim moves his head closer and Pam taps him gently in the face) Oh, ok.
Pam Beesly
Once point for me.
Jim Halpert
(Gently taps Pam on the forehead) Tied up.
Pam Beesly
Oh, you're dead.
Jim Halpert
What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now.
Pam Beesly
Hey, put me down. Put me down. (Meredith turns and looks at Jim and Pam) Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey...

Scene 24

30 lines
Ira
Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, Sensei!
Michael Scott
Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner.
Ira
Shi mate!
Dwight Schrute
Hiii! (kicks Michael)
Michael Scott
Hey!
Ira
Alright, break.
Michael Scott
What the hell was that?
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Ira
Dwight - awarded a point.
Michael Scott
No.
Dwight Schrute
Eat it!
Michael Scott
Alright, that's the way you want it.
Dwight Schrute
Two more.
Michael Scott
Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man.
Kevin Malone
Sweep the leg.
Michael Scott
I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
I got his pants.
Dwight Schrute
It was my pants.
Ira
No points for pants.
Michael Scott
Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! (Lots of yelling and flailing of arms by Michael and Dwight)
Ira
Clean single kick, gentlemen.
Michael Scott
Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya.
Ira
Ok, break. Break.
Dwight Schrute
No holding.
Michael Scott
You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. (Michael is using his head guard to hit Dwight) Eight points. Nine points. (Begins to hock a loogie)
Dwight Schrute
No, stop it! Come on! Michael.
Michael Scott
Open your mouth.
Dwight Schrute
No, Michael!

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. (Michael opens his blinds and looks at Ryan in the parking lot) There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. (Calls Ryan on the phone, Ryan doesn't pick up after seeing that Michael is calling) Oh, we're playing phone tag.

Scene 26

1 line
Ryan's Voicemail
Seven new messages. First New Message. (Michael's voice) "Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein." Next new message. "Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!"

Scene 27

7 lines
Michael Scott
My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for?
Ryan Howard
Fudge?
Michael Scott
(knock at the door) Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya?
Dwight Schrute
I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Ryan Howard
Ok, to what?
Dwight Schrute
Just put "The Hospital." Contact number: just put 9-1-1. (Dwight leaves)
Michael Scott
He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man.

Scene 28

3 lines
Kevin Malone
Later Jim.
Jim Halpert
Later, Kev. (Puts French Onion Potato Chips on Pam's desk) Have a good weekend.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, you too.

Scene 29

7 lines
Michael Scott
(Knock at the door) Yeah.
Ryan Howard
I have the emergency contacts.
Michael Scott
Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend?
Ryan Howard
Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably.
Michael Scott
If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday.
Michael Scott
Alright, bye.

Scene 30

10 lines
Michael Scott
Dwight?
Angela Martin
Michael, did you finish yet?
Michael Scott
This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute?
Dwight Schrute
I'm busy.
Michael Scott
Well, (points at himself) busier. Making the time.
Stanley Hudson
Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday.
Toby Flenderson
We want to go home.
Michael Scott
Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby.
Pam Beesly
The shipping place closes in a half hour.
Michael Scott
I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's gangbang this thing and go home. Good? Dwight.

Scene 31

2 lines
Angela Martin
This is illegal.
Stanley Hudson
I don't care.

Scene 32

15 lines
Michael Scott
I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that?
Dwight Schrute
Of course.
Michael Scott
And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I don't know...
Michael Scott
I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.
Dwight Schrute
I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office.
Michael Scott
No, no, title change only.
Dwight Schrute
I'll have Pam send out a memo.
Michael Scott
No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now.
Dwight Schrute
Just a formality.
Michael Scott
Absolutely but not really.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Michael Scott
Yes you do.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you, Sensei.
Michael Scott
And, ditto.

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.