Michael and Jan go to Chili's to try to land a major client, Lackawanna County. Back at the office, the employees read Michael's movie script, "Threat Level Midnight". This page contains every line from the episode.
Ryan Howard:(entering office) Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie.
Jim Halpert:No. They're in the conference room.
Ryan Howard:Good.
Pam Beesly:Wait, are those Michael's Levis?
Ryan Howard:Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?
Pam Beesly:Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.
Pam Beesly:(to Ryan) I'll take those. Thanks. (throws jeans under her desk)
Jan Levinson:This is a projection of the county's needs...
Michael Scott:Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.
Jan Levinson:Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals...
Jim Halpert:So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. (groan) Years.
Jan Levinson:So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um-
Michael Scott:I changed it. To Chili's.
Jan Levinson:Excuse me?
Michael Scott:Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So.
Jan Levinson:You had no right to do that, Michael.
Michael Scott:Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.
Jan Levinson:It said that.
Michael Scott:It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Jan Levinson:Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.
Michael Scott:Uh huh, uh huh. (under his breath) Power trip.
Jan Levinson:What?
Oscar Martinez:She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out.
Jim Halpert:No...
Oscar Martinez:Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Toby Flenderson:That is unbelievable.
Pam Beesly:What is going on?
Jim Halpert:We are doing worst first dates.
Pam Beesly:Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar Martinez:Ok, that's a joke.
Pam Beesly:No, they had to come back for me.
Jim Halpert:Wait, when was this?
Pam Beesly:Umm... it was not that long ago.
Kelly Kapoor:Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. (laughs)
Jim Halpert:I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting.
Michael Scott:Ok, let's do this thing. (to Pam) Wish us luck.
Dwight Schrute:Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.
Jan Levinson:Thank you.
Michael Scott:(under his breath) Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now.
Jan Levinson:Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour.
Michael Scott:Well...
Jan Levinson:Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael Scott:No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. (Jan stares at Michael) That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. (another Jan stare) Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. (to Oscar) Adios!
Jan Levinson:So which way is Chili's?
Michael Scott:Uh, I'll drive.
Jan Levinson:Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there.
Michael Scott:It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?
Jan Levinson:I know Scranton.
Michael Scott:At all!
Jan Levinson:Alright.
Michael Scott:You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-
Jan Levinson:If it's a couple blocks away-
Michael Scott:Dar de dar.
Jan Levinson:Ok.
Michael Scott:Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.
Michael Scott:We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Jan Levinson:Why would we need a signal?
Michael Scott:Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-
Jan Levinson:What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?
Michael Scott:Well, I... it could be either of us.
Jan Levinson:You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.
Michael Scott:Yeees.
Michael Scott:Hello? Christian?
Christian:Yes.
Michael Scott:Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
Jan Levinson:Just Jan Levinson.
Michael Scott:No Gould?
Jan Levinson:No. (To Christian) Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?
Christian:No, not long.
Michael Scott:Uh, Jan, what happened?
Jan Levinson:Michael.
Michael Scott:Is Gould dead? What uh-
Jan Levinson:Michael, we got divorced, ok? (to Christian) I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
Michael Scott:Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?
Jan Levinson:Michael. (to hostess) Uh, could we have a table for three, please?
Michael Scott:When did this happen?
Jan Levinson:We're in a meeting.
Michael Scott:Ok.
Hostess:This way, please.
Jan Levinson:Christian.
Michael Scott:Alright, after you.
Christian:Thank you.
Michael Scott:(mouths "Wow" to the camera)
Jan Levinson:I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.
Christian:Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-
Michael Scott:Awesome blossom.
Jan Levinson:What?
Michael Scott:(to Christian) I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?
Christian:Sure.
Michael Scott:Ok, it's done. Actually, (turns around) Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done.
Jan Levinson:So-
Michael Scott:I heard a-
Jan Levinson:If you have a-
Michael Scott:Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?
Jan Levinson:Christian, you don't have to listen to this.
Christian:It's ok, I like jokes.
Michael Scott:Ok.
Jan Levinson:Just the one.
Michael Scott:Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo.
Pam Beesly:Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael Scott:Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Pam Beesly:(to Michael on speakerphone) Ok, you want me to read 'em?
Michael Scott:Yes.
Pam Beesly:Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-
Michael Scott:No.
Pam Beesly:When-
Michael Scott:Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Pam Beesly:Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-
Michael Scott:Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Pam Beesly:Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.
Jim Halpert:Is this real? (Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk)
Pam Beesly:It is a screenplay. Starring himself.
Jim Halpert:Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam Beesly:Of the FBI.
Jim Halpert:How long is this? (flips through pages) Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam Beesly:What is that?
Jim Halpert:Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.
Michael Scott:First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe".
Christian:Ohhh no! (laughs) Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan Levinson:(to waitress) Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?
Jim Halpert:Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott?
Everyone:Yeah, yeah.
Jim Halpert:Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.
Phyllis Vance:That's the character's name?
Jim Halpert:Oh yeah-
Dwight Schrute:Ok, you guys should not be doing this.
Jim Halpert:Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
Dwight Schrute:You took something that doesn't belong to you.
Jim Halpert:Dwight-
Dwight Schrute:Brought it in here-
Jim Halpert:Do you want to play-
Dwight Schrute:Made copies of it-
Jim Halpert:The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?
Michael Scott:(making the mouth on his tie talk) Yum! Yum yum yum! (Christian laughs) That's delicious! I love it!
Jan Levinson:We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.
Christian:Well, we are out to save money.
Jan Levinson:What's the bottom line?
Michael Scott:Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.
Michael Scott:That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.
Michael Scott:Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
Jan Levinson:I don't think Christian has time for that.
Christian:I have time.
Michael Scott:(singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back (Christian laughs)
Michael & Christian:(singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-
Michael Scott:(singing) Chili's baby back ribs...
Jim Halpert:(reading the screenplay) Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters.
Phyllis Vance:Sir, you have some messages.
Dwight Schrute:Not now!
Phyllis Vance:They're important.
Dwight Schrute:Ok, what are they?
Phyllis Vance:First message is: "I love you". That's from me.
Dwight Schrute:Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!
Dwight Schrute:Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Dwight Schrute:If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.
Ryan Howard:Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.
Dwight Schrute:Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. (Pam gets up to talk to Roy)
Pam Beesly:Hey, uh, I have to work late.
Roy Anderson:(looks around conference room) You're joking right?
Jim Halpert:Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-
Dwight Schrute:Pow! Pow! Pow!
Ryan Howard:Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.
Kevin Malone:Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. (Smiles) Heh.
Jim Halpert:A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. (out of character) Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?
Oscar Martinez:Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Dwight Schrute:Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Ryan Howard:I forget it, brutha.
Dwight Schrute:Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. (out of character) Wait, who's Dwigt?
Pam Beesly:Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.
Dwight Schrute:D-W-I-G-H-T.
Dwight Schrute:Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end.
Jim Halpert:Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-
Dwight Schrute:Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.
Jim Halpert:That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. (To Pam) Hey, are you hungry?
Pam Beesly:Yeah.
Jim Halpert:Yeah?
Christian:So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her.
Michael Scott:Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Jan Levinson:Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.
Michael Scott:Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.
Christian:It's not fair.
Michael Scott:She's not playing the game.
Jan Levinson:We'd been fighting for a while-
Michael Scott:Check please.
Jan Levinson:He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.
Christian:You didn't.
Jan Levinson:I was stupid.
Michael & Christian:No.
Michael Scott:No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?
Christian:That's right.
Michael Scott:You know?
Christian:You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Michael Scott:It's true.
Christian:You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!"
Jim Halpert:I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer.
Jim Halpert:(Pam lights a candle) Wow.
Pam Beesly:For the bugs.
Jim Halpert:Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
Pam Beesly:Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.
Christian:Right down the street?
Michael Scott:Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
Christian:I know.
Michael Scott:It's bad.
Christian:It's terrible.
Michael Scott:It, you know what, it really is.
Jan Levinson:Uh- (Michael signals for her to shh)
Christian:I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts.
Michael Scott:Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?
Jim Halpert:So, I guess I'll see you in (looks at watch) ten hours.
Pam Beesly:What are you going to do with your time off?
Jim Halpert:Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself.
Pam Beesly:(points to Jim's iPod) You have new music?
Jim Halpert:Yeah. (Pam puts her hand out for an earbud) Definitely.
Michael Scott:(waving to Christian) See ya.
Jan Levinson:Bye... thanks. (pumps fist) Yes!
Michael Scott:We did it!
Jan Levinson:We got it!
Michael Scott:Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
Jan Levinson:I am really- (Michael kisses Jan) Thrilled. (Michael and Jan kiss again) Let's go.
Michael Scott:What!?
Jan Levinson:Let's go.
Michael Scott:Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. (nervous laugh) Oh-ok.
Dwight Schrute:(waking up on office couch) Michael? Michael? (goes into Michael's office) Michael? (looks out Michael's window) His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. (taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot) Who's this? Jan?
Michael Scott:Morning, Pam. Hey.
Michael Scott:No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. (laughs) No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.
Michael Scott:Hello, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute:Did you do her?
Michael Scott:Who.
Dwight Schrute:Jan Levinson-Gould.
Michael Scott:Uh, no, no, no Gould.
Dwight Schrute:Did you do her?
Michael Scott:This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
Dwight Schrute:And she is your boss.
Michael Scott:And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. (to camera) Jan, I defend your honor. (to Dwight) Is that all?
Jim Halpert:Jan didn't come back for her car last night.
Pam Beesly:What!?
Jim Halpert:Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?
Pam Beesly:Oh, I don't know... (Jim laughs, phone rings) Oh my God. This is Jan's cell.
Jim Halpert:No way.
Pam Beesly:Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael Scott:I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, (phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. (to camera) Would you excuse me? (to Jan) No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. (goes under his desk) This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk (to camera which is now under desk) Excuse me? Excuse me?! (to Jan) I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something!
Jim Halpert:Some might even say that we had our first date last night.
Pam Beesly:Oh, really?
Jim Halpert:Really.
Pam Beesly:Why might some say that?
Jim Halpert:Cause there was dinner, by candlelight.
Pam Beesly:Uh hmm.
Jim Halpert:Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. (Pam nods reluctantly) And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.
Pam Beesly:We didn't dance.
Jim Halpert:You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic.
Pam Beesly:Swaying isn't dancing.
Jim Halpert:Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.
Pam Beesly:I have some faxes to get out.
Jim Halpert:Oh, come on, Pam. I-
Jim Halpert:Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?
In The Office episode 7 season 2, "The Client," Michael and Jan go to Chili's. They try to land a big client, Lackawanna County. Michael ignores Jan's business plan. He tells jokes and orders an Awesome Blossom. He sings "Baby Back Ribs." Jan gets upset but warms up to Michael. They bond over failed relationships. Christian, the client, likes Michael's casual style. He agrees to give them the county's business. Michael and Jan share a kiss. They spend the night talking.
Back at the office, the staff reads Michael's movie script. It's called "Threat Level: Midnight." The main character is Agent Michael Scarn. Dwight finds out he inspired a silly character named "Dwigt." He gets mad and leaves. Jim and Pam stay late. They talk about bad dates. Pam reveals Roy once left her at a hockey game. Jim and Pam share music. They have a nice moment.
The next morning, Jan shows up in a taxi. She left her car at the office. Michael says they made out. He says they talked for hours. He acts like they are a couple. Jan calls him. She says it was a mistake. Michael is upset. He hides under his desk. Pam tells Jim about the date. She says it was romantic, despite no dancing. Jim teases her. He says it wasn't a date since she's engaged.
