Scene 015 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: (entering office) Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No. They're in the conference room.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Wait, are those Michael's Levis?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?
Scene 021 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.
Scene 043 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: This is a projection of the county's needs...Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals...
Scene 051 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. (groan) Years.
Scene 0611 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um-Michael ScottOpen quote: I changed it. To Chili's.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Excuse me?Michael ScottOpen quote: Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You had no right to do that, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: It said that.Michael ScottOpen quote: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh huh, uh huh. (under his breath) Power trip.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What?
Scene 0712 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No...Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: That is unbelievable.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What is going on?Jim HalpertOpen quote: We are doing worst first dates.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Ok, that's a joke.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, they had to come back for me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wait, when was this?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Umm... it was not that long ago.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. (laughs)
Scene 081 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting.
Scene 098 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Ok, let's do this thing. (to Pam) Wish us luck.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: (under his breath) Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. (Jan stares at Michael) That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. (another Jan stare) Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. (to Oscar) Adios!
Scene 1011 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: So which way is Chili's?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, I'll drive.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I know Scranton.Michael ScottOpen quote: At all!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Alright.Michael ScottOpen quote: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-Jan LevinsonOpen quote: If it's a couple blocks away-Michael ScottOpen quote: Dar de dar.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Ok.
Scene 111 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.
Scene 127 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We should come up with a signal of some sort.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Why would we need a signal?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I... it could be either of us.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeees.
Scene 1321 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello? Christian?ChristianOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Just Jan Levinson.Michael ScottOpen quote: No Gould?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No. (To Christian) Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?ChristianOpen quote: No, not long.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, Jan, what happened?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is Gould dead? What uh-Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael, we got divorced, ok? (to Christian) I'm so sorry. Excuse me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael. (to hostess) Uh, could we have a table for three, please?Michael ScottOpen quote: When did this happen?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: We're in a meeting.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.HostessOpen quote: This way, please.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Christian.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright, after you.ChristianOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: (mouths "Wow" to the camera)
Scene 1416 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.ChristianOpen quote: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-Michael ScottOpen quote: Awesome blossom.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Christian) I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?ChristianOpen quote: Sure.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok, it's done. Actually, (turns around) Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: So-Michael ScottOpen quote: I heard a-Jan LevinsonOpen quote: If you have a-Michael ScottOpen quote: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Christian, you don't have to listen to this.ChristianOpen quote: It's ok, I like jokes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Just the one.Michael ScottOpen quote: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo.
Scene 152 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Scene 169 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (to Michael on speakerphone) Ok, you want me to read 'em?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-Michael ScottOpen quote: No.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: When-Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.
Scene 177 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Is this real? (Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It is a screenplay. Starring himself.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Agent Michael Scarn.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Of the FBI.Jim HalpertOpen quote: How long is this? (flips through pages) Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What is that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.
Scene 183 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe".ChristianOpen quote: Ohhh no! (laughs) Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (to waitress) Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?
Scene 1913 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott?EveryoneOpen quote: Yeah, yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: That's the character's name?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, you guys should not be doing this.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You took something that doesn't belong to you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dwight-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Brought it in here-Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do you want to play-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Made copies of it-Jim HalpertOpen quote: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?
Scene 205 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (making the mouth on his tie talk) Yum! Yum yum yum! (Christian laughs) That's delicious! I love it!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.ChristianOpen quote: Well, we are out to save money.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What's the bottom line?Michael ScottOpen quote: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.
Scene 211 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.
Scene 226 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I don't think Christian has time for that.ChristianOpen quote: I have time.Michael ScottOpen quote: (singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back (Christian laughs)Michael & ChristianOpen quote: (singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-Michael ScottOpen quote: (singing) Chili's baby back ribs...
Scene 237 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (reading the screenplay) Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Sir, you have some messages.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not now!Phyllis VanceOpen quote: They're important.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, what are they?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: First message is: "I love you". That's from me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!
Scene 241 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Scene 258 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. (Pam gets up to talk to Roy)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, uh, I have to work late.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (looks around conference room) You're joking right?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pow! Pow! Pow!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.
Scene 275 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. (out of character) Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I forget it, brutha.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. (out of character) Wait, who's Dwigt?
Scene 281 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.
Scene 306 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.Jim HalpertOpen quote: That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. (To Pam) Hey, are you hungry?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah?
Scene 3118 linesChristianOpen quote: So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her.Michael ScottOpen quote: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.ChristianOpen quote: It's not fair.Michael ScottOpen quote: She's not playing the game.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: We'd been fighting for a while-Michael ScottOpen quote: Check please.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.ChristianOpen quote: You didn't.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I was stupid.Michael & ChristianOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?ChristianOpen quote: That's right.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know?ChristianOpen quote: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's true.ChristianOpen quote: You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!"
Scene 321 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer.
Scene 334 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Pam lights a candle) Wow.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: For the bugs.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.
Scene 349 linesChristianOpen quote: Right down the street?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.ChristianOpen quote: I know.Michael ScottOpen quote: It's bad.ChristianOpen quote: It's terrible.Michael ScottOpen quote: It, you know what, it really is.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Uh- (Michael signals for her to shh)ChristianOpen quote: I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?
Scene 355 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: So, I guess I'll see you in (looks at watch) ten hours.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What are you going to do with your time off?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (points to Jim's iPod) You have new music?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. (Pam puts her hand out for an earbud) Definitely.
Scene 369 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (waving to Christian) See ya.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Bye... thanks. (pumps fist) Yes!Michael ScottOpen quote: We did it!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: We got it!Michael ScottOpen quote: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I am really- (Michael kisses Jan) Thrilled. (Michael and Jan kiss again) Let's go.Michael ScottOpen quote: What!?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Let's go.Michael ScottOpen quote: Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. (nervous laugh) Oh-ok.
Scene 371 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (waking up on office couch) Michael? Michael? (goes into Michael's office) Michael? (looks out Michael's window) His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. (taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot) Who's this? Jan?
Scene 391 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. (laughs) No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.
Scene 409 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hello, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you do her?Michael ScottOpen quote: Who.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Jan Levinson-Gould.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, no, no, no Gould.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Did you do her?Michael ScottOpen quote: This is none of your affair because she is your boss-Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And she is your boss.Michael ScottOpen quote: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. (to camera) Jan, I defend your honor. (to Dwight) Is that all?
Scene 416 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Jan didn't come back for her car last night.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What!?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, I don't know... (Jim laughs, phone rings) Oh my God. This is Jan's cell.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No way.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Scene 421 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, (phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. (to camera) Would you excuse me? (to Jan) No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. (goes under his desk) This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk (to camera which is now under desk) Excuse me? Excuse me?! (to Jan) I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something!
Scene 4313 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Some might even say that we had our first date last night.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, really?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Why might some say that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh hmm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. (Pam nods reluctantly) And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We didn't dance.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Swaying isn't dancing.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I have some faxes to get out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, come on, Pam. I-
Scene 441 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?