Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Client

Vol. 2 · Issue 7Scranton, PA

Grab an Awesome Blossom and see how Michael and Jan land the Lackawanna County business at Chili's. Every single line from the episode is here, from the first reading of Threat Level: Midnight to Jim and Pam’s romantic rooftop grilled cheese dinner. It's the full script for the night Agent Michael Scarn almost saved the world.

Scene 01

5 lines
Ryan Howard
(entering office) Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie.
Jim Halpert
No. They're in the conference room.
Ryan Howard
Good.
Pam Beesly
Wait, are those Michael's Levis?
Ryan Howard
Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans?

Scene 02

1 line
Pam Beesly
Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays.

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
(to Ryan) I'll take those. Thanks. (throws jeans under her desk)

Scene 04

3 lines
Jan Levinson
This is a projection of the county's needs...
Michael Scott
Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.
Jan Levinson
Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals...

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. (groan) Years.

Scene 06

11 lines
Jan Levinson
So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um-
Michael Scott
I changed it. To Chili's.
Jan Levinson
Excuse me?
Michael Scott
Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So.
Jan Levinson
You had no right to do that, Michael.
Michael Scott
Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.
Jan Levinson
It said that.
Michael Scott
It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.
Jan Levinson
Alright. But you will let me run this meeting.
Michael Scott
Uh huh, uh huh. (under his breath) Power trip.
Jan Levinson
What?

Scene 07

12 lines
Oscar Martinez
She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out.
Jim Halpert
No...
Oscar Martinez
Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Toby Flenderson
That is unbelievable.
Pam Beesly
What is going on?
Jim Halpert
We are doing worst first dates.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar Martinez
Ok, that's a joke.
Pam Beesly
No, they had to come back for me.
Jim Halpert
Wait, when was this?
Pam Beesly
Umm... it was not that long ago.
Kelly Kapoor
Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. (laughs)

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting.

Scene 09

8 lines
Michael Scott
Ok, let's do this thing. (to Pam) Wish us luck.
Dwight Schrute
Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Thank you.
Michael Scott
(under his breath) Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now.
Jan Levinson
Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour.
Michael Scott
Well...
Jan Levinson
Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour?
Michael Scott
No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. (Jan stares at Michael) That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. (another Jan stare) Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. (to Oscar) Adios!

Scene 10

11 lines
Jan Levinson
So which way is Chili's?
Michael Scott
Uh, I'll drive.
Jan Levinson
Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there.
Michael Scott
It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you?
Jan Levinson
I know Scranton.
Michael Scott
At all!
Jan Levinson
Alright.
Michael Scott
You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de-
Jan Levinson
If it's a couple blocks away-
Michael Scott
Dar de dar.
Jan Levinson
Ok.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead.

Scene 12

7 lines
Michael Scott
We should come up with a signal of some sort.
Jan Levinson
Why would we need a signal?
Michael Scott
Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal-
Jan Levinson
What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael?
Michael Scott
Well, I... it could be either of us.
Jan Levinson
You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that.
Michael Scott
Yeees.

Scene 13

21 lines
Michael Scott
Hello? Christian?
Christian
Yes.
Michael Scott
Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould.
Jan Levinson
Just Jan Levinson.
Michael Scott
No Gould?
Jan Levinson
No. (To Christian) Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long?
Christian
No, not long.
Michael Scott
Uh, Jan, what happened?
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
Is Gould dead? What uh-
Jan Levinson
Michael, we got divorced, ok? (to Christian) I'm so sorry. Excuse me.
Michael Scott
Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about?
Jan Levinson
Michael. (to hostess) Uh, could we have a table for three, please?
Michael Scott
When did this happen?
Jan Levinson
We're in a meeting.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Hostess
This way, please.
Jan Levinson
Christian.
Michael Scott
Alright, after you.
Christian
Thank you.
Michael Scott
(mouths "Wow" to the camera)

Scene 14

16 lines
Jan Levinson
I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county.
Christian
Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction-
Michael Scott
Awesome blossom.
Jan Levinson
What?
Michael Scott
(to Christian) I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom?
Christian
Sure.
Michael Scott
Ok, it's done. Actually, (turns around) Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done.
Jan Levinson
So-
Michael Scott
I heard a-
Jan Levinson
If you have a-
Michael Scott
Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it?
Jan Levinson
Christian, you don't have to listen to this.
Christian
It's ok, I like jokes.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Jan Levinson
Just the one.
Michael Scott
Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo.

Scene 15

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael Scott
Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.

Scene 16

9 lines
Pam Beesly
(to Michael on speakerphone) Ok, you want me to read 'em?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-
Michael Scott
No.
Pam Beesly
When-
Michael Scott
Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Pam Beesly
Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-
Michael Scott
Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Pam Beesly
Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.

Scene 17

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Is this real? (Pam dumps Michael's screenplay on Jim's desk)
Pam Beesly
It is a screenplay. Starring himself.
Jim Halpert
Agent Michael Scarn.
Pam Beesly
Of the FBI.
Jim Halpert
How long is this? (flips through pages) Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.
Pam Beesly
What is that?
Jim Halpert
Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.

Scene 18

3 lines
Michael Scott
First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe".
Christian
Ohhh no! (laughs) Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Jan Levinson
(to waitress) Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?

Scene 19

13 lines
Jim Halpert
Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott?
Everyone
Yeah, yeah.
Jim Halpert
Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.
Phyllis Vance
That's the character's name?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah-
Dwight Schrute
Ok, you guys should not be doing this.
Jim Halpert
Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
Dwight Schrute
You took something that doesn't belong to you.
Jim Halpert
Dwight-
Dwight Schrute
Brought it in here-
Jim Halpert
Do you want to play-
Dwight Schrute
Made copies of it-
Jim Halpert
The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?

Scene 20

5 lines
Michael Scott
(making the mouth on his tie talk) Yum! Yum yum yum! (Christian laughs) That's delicious! I love it!
Jan Levinson
We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.
Christian
Well, we are out to save money.
Jan Levinson
What's the bottom line?
Michael Scott
Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.

Scene 22

6 lines
Michael Scott
Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
Jan Levinson
I don't think Christian has time for that.
Christian
I have time.
Michael Scott
(singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back (Christian laughs)
Michael & Christian
(singing) I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-
Michael Scott
(singing) Chili's baby back ribs...

Scene 23

7 lines
Jim Halpert
(reading the screenplay) Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters.
Phyllis Vance
Sir, you have some messages.
Dwight Schrute
Not now!
Phyllis Vance
They're important.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, what are they?
Phyllis Vance
First message is: "I love you". That's from me.
Dwight Schrute
Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!

Scene 24

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.

Scene 25

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.
Ryan Howard
Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. (Pam gets up to talk to Roy)
Pam Beesly
Hey, uh, I have to work late.
Roy Anderson
(looks around conference room) You're joking right?
Jim Halpert
Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-
Dwight Schrute
Pow! Pow! Pow!
Ryan Howard
Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. (Smiles) Heh.

Scene 27

5 lines
Jim Halpert
A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. (out of character) Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?
Oscar Martinez
Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Ryan Howard
I forget it, brutha.
Dwight Schrute
Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. (out of character) Wait, who's Dwigt?

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
D-W-I-G-H-T.

Scene 30

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end.
Jim Halpert
Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-
Dwight Schrute
Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.
Jim Halpert
That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. (To Pam) Hey, are you hungry?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Yeah?

Scene 31

18 lines
Christian
So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her.
Michael Scott
Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Jan Levinson
Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.
Michael Scott
Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.
Christian
It's not fair.
Michael Scott
She's not playing the game.
Jan Levinson
We'd been fighting for a while-
Michael Scott
Check please.
Jan Levinson
He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.
Christian
You didn't.
Jan Levinson
I was stupid.
Michael & Christian
No.
Michael Scott
No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?
Christian
That's right.
Michael Scott
You know?
Christian
You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Michael Scott
It's true.
Christian
You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!"

Scene 32

1 line
Jim Halpert
I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer.

Scene 33

4 lines
Jim Halpert
(Pam lights a candle) Wow.
Pam Beesly
For the bugs.
Jim Halpert
Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
Pam Beesly
Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.

Scene 34

9 lines
Christian
Right down the street?
Michael Scott
Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
Christian
I know.
Michael Scott
It's bad.
Christian
It's terrible.
Michael Scott
It, you know what, it really is.
Jan Levinson
Uh- (Michael signals for her to shh)
Christian
I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts.
Michael Scott
Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan?

Scene 35

5 lines
Jim Halpert
So, I guess I'll see you in (looks at watch) ten hours.
Pam Beesly
What are you going to do with your time off?
Jim Halpert
Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself.
Pam Beesly
(points to Jim's iPod) You have new music?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. (Pam puts her hand out for an earbud) Definitely.

Scene 36

9 lines
Michael Scott
(waving to Christian) See ya.
Jan Levinson
Bye... thanks. (pumps fist) Yes!
Michael Scott
We did it!
Jan Levinson
We got it!
Michael Scott
Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here.
Jan Levinson
I am really- (Michael kisses Jan) Thrilled. (Michael and Jan kiss again) Let's go.
Michael Scott
What!?
Jan Levinson
Let's go.
Michael Scott
Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. (nervous laugh) Oh-ok.

Scene 37

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(waking up on office couch) Michael? Michael? (goes into Michael's office) Michael? (looks out Michael's window) His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. (taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot) Who's this? Jan?

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
Morning, Pam. Hey.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. (laughs) No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So.

Scene 40

9 lines
Michael Scott
Hello, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Did you do her?
Michael Scott
Who.
Dwight Schrute
Jan Levinson-Gould.
Michael Scott
Uh, no, no, no Gould.
Dwight Schrute
Did you do her?
Michael Scott
This is none of your affair because she is your boss-
Dwight Schrute
And she is your boss.
Michael Scott
And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. (to camera) Jan, I defend your honor. (to Dwight) Is that all?

Scene 41

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Jan didn't come back for her car last night.
Pam Beesly
What!?
Jim Halpert
Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I don't know... (Jim laughs, phone rings) Oh my God. This is Jan's cell.
Jim Halpert
No way.
Pam Beesly
Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.

Scene 42

1 line
Michael Scott
I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, (phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. (to camera) Would you excuse me? (to Jan) No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. (goes under his desk) This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk (to camera which is now under desk) Excuse me? Excuse me?! (to Jan) I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something!

Scene 43

13 lines
Jim Halpert
Some might even say that we had our first date last night.
Pam Beesly
Oh, really?
Jim Halpert
Really.
Pam Beesly
Why might some say that?
Jim Halpert
Cause there was dinner, by candlelight.
Pam Beesly
Uh hmm.
Jim Halpert
Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. (Pam nods reluctantly) And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date.
Pam Beesly
We didn't dance.
Jim Halpert
You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic.
Pam Beesly
Swaying isn't dancing.
Jim Halpert
Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game.
Pam Beesly
I have some faxes to get out.
Jim Halpert
Oh, come on, Pam. I-

Scene 44

1 line
Jim Halpert
Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?