Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Performance Review

Vol. 2 · Issue 8Scranton, PA

Jan is headed to Scranton for annual reviews, and Michael is convinced her voicemail is a secret love letter. Every line from the episode is laid out here, from Dwight’s fitness orb tragedy to the awkward suggestion box meeting. It’s the best spot to find that specific quote where Michael tries to figure out if Jan is still his girlfriend.

Scene 01

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
(bouncing on an exercise ball) You should get one of these.
Jim Halpert
No. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim Halpert
Done.
Dwight Schrute
This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. (knocks things around Jim's desk) Sorry.
Jim Halpert
S'ok.
Dwight Schrute
Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim Halpert
You're not having sex.
Dwight Schrute
Plus, improves your reflexes (knocks over more stuff) see, I would have caught that.
Jim Halpert
Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that?
Dwight Schrute
It's only twenty-five bucks.
Jim Halpert
Wow. Um, ok. (pops Dwight's orb with scissors)

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Pam, could I see you in my office?

Scene 03

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.

Scene 04

6 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, you're trustworthy-
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Michael Scott
And a woman-
Pam Beesly
Oh, no.
Michael Scott
And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. (Jan on recording) "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon." First impressions?
Pam Beesly
Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been (makes slashing neck hand motion) swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.

Scene 06

11 lines
Michael Scott
(playing Jan's message) "I guess I missed you." I guess I missed you. So, she misses me?
Pam Beesly
She missed you.
Michael Scott
But then she goes on to say "that will be our only topic of discussion". That doesn't mean anything, those are just words.
Pam Beesly
I have one idea of what it means.
Michael Scott
Ok. Yeah, what, what?
Pam Beesly
Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this.
Michael Scott
Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review-
Pam Beesly
Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you.
Michael Scott
Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?
Pam Beesly
Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. (plays Jan's message) "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you".

Scene 07

14 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim Halpert
We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, yes, we do.
Jim Halpert
No, we don't.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Jim Halpert
Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Jim Halpert
I win.
Dwight Schrute
Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid.
Jim Halpert
Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, duh.
Jim Halpert
Duh.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

Scene 09

6 lines
Stanley Hudson
Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael Scott
Really?
Stanley Hudson
Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael Scott
God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael Scott
No kidding.

Scene 10

1 line
Stanley Hudson
It's all about my bonus.

Scene 11

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Jim Halpert
Ohh...
Pam Beesly
Maybe more.
Jim Halpert
Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'.
Pam Beesly
Oh, yea!

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn.

Scene 13

1 line
Angela Martin
I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.

Scene 14

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael?
Michael Scott
Yeah?
Pam Beesly
Jan's on the phone for you.
Michael Scott
Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.

Scene 15

19 lines
Michael Scott
Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. (puts Jan on speakerphone) Yeah?
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Jan Levinson
I am returning your many calls.
Michael Scott
Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.
Jan Levinson
No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.
Michael Scott
Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's.
Jan Levinson
Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Jan Levinson
I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Michael Scott
Been thinking about you.
Jan Levinson
Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.
Michael Scott
Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just-
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yep.
Jan Levinson
Are the cameras with you...
Michael Scott
No.
Jan Levinson
...in your office?
Michael Scott
They are not. Yes, they are. (Jan hangs up) That's my girlfriend.

Scene 16

5 lines
Kevin Malone
I heard they made out and had sex.
Oscar Martinez
No, they just made out. That's it.
Kevin Malone
Well, I heard they made out and had sex.
Angela Martin
Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.
Kevin Malone
Romances?

Scene 17

11 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A "Michael-idea" folder?
Pam Beesly
Sorry.
Michael Scott
That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there.
Pam Beesly
What suggestion box?
Michael Scott
The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes?
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started.
Michael Scott
Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p.
Ryan Howard
Don't you mean constructive criticism?
Michael Scott
What did I say?
Kelly Kapoor
You said "constructive complements"; that doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott
Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K?

Scene 18

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a...
Dwight Schrute
Saturday.
Jim Halpert
(pumps fist) ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon.

Scene 19

10 lines
Jan Levinson
(on phone) We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. (to Pam) Could you please tell Michael that I'm here?
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Michael Scott
Hi, Jan. How are you?
Jan Levinson
I'm good; how are you?
Michael Scott
Good to see you.
Jan Levinson
Nice to see you.
Michael Scott
Ok. (tries to kiss Jan's hand) Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here.
Jan Levinson
Can we please go in your office?
Michael Scott
Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. (mouths to Pam) No calls.
Kevin Malone
Oooo.

Scene 20

13 lines
Michael Scott
Alright (takes Jan's coat).
Jan Levinson
Thank you.
Michael Scott
It's nice to see you.
Jan Levinson
Nice to see you too, Michael.
Michael Scott
Really?
Jan Levinson
Not like that.
Michael Scott
Oh, well.
Jan Levinson
You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Jan Levinson
Period.
Michael Scott
Yep.
Jan Levinson
Do we understand each other.
Michael Scott
Absolutely.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because "Oh, I regret that." But, "Wait, I'm still gonna call you." But, but, "We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business.

Scene 22

9 lines
Jan Levinson
So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?
Michael Scott
No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. (cold Jan stare) We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question?
Jan Levinson
No.
Michael Scott
This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise.
Jan Levinson
Fine.
Michael Scott
Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Jan Levinson
How is that a business question?
Michael Scott
Well, you're wearing it at the office. And (smells Jan) it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan Levinson
Please don't smell me, Michael.

Scene 23

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Hey, how's it goin'?
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, did you see "The Apprentice" last night?
Jim Halpert
Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam Beesly
Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim Halpert
No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight Schrute
Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam Beesly
You didn't see it?
Dwight Schrute
No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking?

Scene 24

9 lines
Michael Scott
I don't understand- (phone rings) Hold on. Sorry. (answers) Yes, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael Scott
I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam Beesly
You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael Scott
I did not, not, not use those words.
Jan Levinson
Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting (to Pam) is it happening right now?
Michael Scott
No, it's in like ten minutes.
Pam Beesly
Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Jan Levinson
Great. Very good.

Scene 25

35 lines
Michael Scott
Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Dwight Schrute
What should we do to prepare for Y2K?
Kelly Kapoor
I thought you read these every week.
Michael Scott
Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. (to Jan) That happens occasionally.
Dwight Schrute
It happens occasionally.
Michael Scott
And, um, one down. Next suggestion: "we need better outreach for employees fighting depression". Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
Jan Levinson
That sounds serious, Michael.
Michael Scott
Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it?
Dwight Schrute
Tom?
Michael Scott
Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Phyllis Vance
Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. (blank stares) Tom? (acts like she's shooting herself in the head) Pow.
Michael Scott
Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion.
Dwight Schrute
Next suggestion.
Michael Scott
Arrr, dooby dooby do. "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight Schrute
You need to do something about your B.O.
Michael Scott
Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby Flenderson
Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael Scott
Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed Bratton
Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael Scott
Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. "You need to do something about your coffee breath"-
Dwight Schrute
You need-
Michael Scott
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
To do something about-
Michael Scott
Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.
Angela Martin
Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Michael Scott
Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well-
Angela Martin
Well, when you have coffee breath-
Michael Scott
I'll work on that-
Angela Martin
It's hard.
Michael Scott
Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?
Michael Scott
Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion.
Dwight Schrute
Next suggestion.
Michael Scott
"Don't sl-", ok, that's blank (Dwight picks up note) Don't, just put it-
Dwight Schrute
"Don't sleep with your boss"? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?

Scene 26

10 lines
Jan Levinson
I can't, I can't-
Michael Scott
I don't understand why you're so upset.
Jan Levinson
Please sit down.
Michael Scott
Let me ask you-
Jan Levinson
You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there.
Michael Scott
Ok, let me ask you this.
Jan Levinson
Please, sit yourself down.
Michael Scott
Let me ask you something.
Jan Levinson
What, Michael.
Michael Scott
Where did you get your outfit?

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(loud metal music playing in a stairwell; Dwight pacing) You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! (plays air guitar) Yes! (kicks) Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome!

Scene 28

34 lines
Michael Scott
I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Jan Levinson
Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same
Michael Scott
Look-
Dwight Schrute
Michael?
Michael Scott
Oh my God...
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?
Jan Levinson
No, Dwight; come in.
Dwight Schrute
Great.
Michael Scott
What do you want Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
I am ready for my performance review.
Michael Scott
Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye.
Jan Levinson
Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael?
Michael Scott
You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise?
Michael Scott
Why on earth would we give you a raise?
Dwight Schrute
That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. (points to graphs) I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. (Michael sighs) Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.
Michael Scott
You do? How do you get in?
Dwight Schrute
I have a copy of your key.
Jan Levinson
That's a serious offense!
Michael Scott
That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart.
Jan Levinson
Oh! Michael, for God sakes!
Dwight Schrute
I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael Scott
Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?
Dwight Schrute
For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
Michael Scott
That was deer!? Gross, oh!
Dwight Schrute
You liked it!
Michael Scott
Oh, did not!
Dwight Schrute
Jan, have you ever had deer?
Jan Levinson
No.
Dwight Schrute
It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise.
Michael Scott
What do you say, Jan?
Jan Levinson
Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes.
Michael Scott
Ok. You just, uh, clear your head.
Jan Levinson
(Dwight opens door) Thank you, Dwight.

Scene 29

1 line
Jan Levinson
Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. (digs a cigarette out of her purse) Do you have a light?

Scene 30

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of".
Michael Scott
That's from Superman?
Dwight Schrute
Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise.

Scene 31

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Do you think Michael and Jan actually...
Jim Halpert
I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam.
Pam Beesly
How do you come back from that?
Jim Halpert
Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.
Pam Beesly
No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that?
Jim Halpert
Oh-
Pam Beesly
As a human being.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, no, I don't think you can.

Scene 32

21 lines
Jan Levinson
I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.
Michael Scott
Wait.
Jan Levinson
'K?
Michael Scott
Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?
Jan Levinson
Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Michael Scott
Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?
Jan Levinson
No, I am saying we are never having this conversation.
Michael Scott
Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?
Jan Levinson
Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.'
Michael Scott
I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?
Jan Levinson
Michael, it has nothing-
Michael Scott
Am I too short?
Jan Levinson
With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate.
Michael Scott
Really?
Jan Levinson
Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok?
Michael Scott
I appreciate that, thank you.
Jan Levinson
And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-
Michael Scott
No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-
Jan Levinson
At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok?
Michael Scott
So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan Levinson
Ohhh, God.

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed; I'm good. I can go home now.

Scene 34

4 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight?
Jim Halpert
Ummm... no idea.
Michael Scott
Never missed a day, my ass.
Pam Beesly
(Jim bows to Pam; she bows back) Thank you.

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(running through parking lot) I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok!