Every line from The Office episode "Performance Review", season 2 episode 8.
Dwight Schrute: (bouncing on an exercise ball) You should get one of these.
Jim Halpert: No. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Dwight Schrute: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. (knocks things around Jim's desk) Sorry.
Dwight Schrute: Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim Halpert: You're not having sex.
Dwight Schrute: Plus, improves your reflexes (knocks over more stuff) see, I would have caught that.
Jim Halpert: Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that?
Dwight Schrute: It's only twenty-five bucks.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Um, ok. (pops Dwight's orb with scissors)
Michael Scott: My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been (makes slashing neck hand motion) swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual.
Michael Scott: (playing Jan's message) "I guess I missed you." I guess I missed you. So, she misses me?
Pam Beesly: She missed you.
Michael Scott: But then she goes on to say "that will be our only topic of discussion". That doesn't mean anything, those are just words.
Pam Beesly: I have one idea of what it means.
Michael Scott: Ok. Yeah, what, what?
Pam Beesly: Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this.
Michael Scott: Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review-
Pam Beesly: Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you.
Michael Scott: Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that?
Pam Beesly: Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. (plays Jan's message) "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you".
Dwight Schrute: Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review.
Dwight Schrute: Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
Jim Halpert: We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, yes, we do.
Jim Halpert: No, we don't.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise.
Jim Halpert: Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you?
Dwight Schrute: Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid.
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right?
Michael Scott: Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. (puts Jan on speakerphone) Yeah?
Michael Scott: Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure?
Jan Levinson: I am returning your many calls.
Michael Scott: Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.
Jan Levinson: No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.
Michael Scott: Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's.
Jan Levinson: Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael.
Jan Levinson: I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Michael Scott: Been thinking about you.
Jan Levinson: Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.
Michael Scott: Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just-
Jan Levinson: Are the cameras with you...
Jan Levinson: ...in your office?
Michael Scott: They are not. Yes, they are. (Jan hangs up) That's my girlfriend.
Michael Scott: Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A "Michael-idea" folder?
Michael Scott: That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there.
Pam Beesly: What suggestion box?
Michael Scott: The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes?
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started.
Michael Scott: Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p.
Ryan Howard: Don't you mean constructive criticism?
Michael Scott: What did I say?
Kelly Kapoor: You said "constructive complements"; that doesn't make any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K?
Jan Levinson: (on phone) We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. (to Pam) Could you please tell Michael that I'm here?
Michael Scott: Hi, Jan. How are you?
Jan Levinson: I'm good; how are you?
Michael Scott: Good to see you.
Jan Levinson: Nice to see you.
Michael Scott: Ok. (tries to kiss Jan's hand) Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here.
Jan Levinson: Can we please go in your office?
Michael Scott: Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. (mouths to Pam) No calls.
Jan Levinson: So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. (cold Jan stare) We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question?
Michael Scott: This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise.
Michael Scott: Are you wearing a new perfume today?
Jan Levinson: How is that a business question?
Michael Scott: Well, you're wearing it at the office. And (smells Jan) it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy.
Jan Levinson: Please don't smell me, Michael.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how's it goin'?
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, did you see "The Apprentice" last night?
Jim Halpert: Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam Beesly: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim Halpert: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight Schrute: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam Beesly: You didn't see it?
Dwight Schrute: No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking?
Michael Scott: I don't understand- (phone rings) Hold on. Sorry. (answers) Yes, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
Michael Scott: I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
Pam Beesly: You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
Michael Scott: I did not, not, not use those words.
Jan Levinson: Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting (to Pam) is it happening right now?
Michael Scott: No, it's in like ten minutes.
Pam Beesly: Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Jan Levinson: Great. Very good.
Michael Scott: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?"
Dwight Schrute: What should we do to prepare for Y2K?
Kelly Kapoor: I thought you read these every week.
Michael Scott: Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. (to Jan) That happens occasionally.
Dwight Schrute: It happens occasionally.
Michael Scott: And, um, one down. Next suggestion: "we need better outreach for employees fighting depression". Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
Jan Levinson: That sounds serious, Michael.
Michael Scott: Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it?
Michael Scott: Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom.
Phyllis Vance: Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. (blank stares) Tom? (acts like she's shooting herself in the head) Pow.
Michael Scott: Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion.
Dwight Schrute: Next suggestion.
Michael Scott: Arrr, dooby dooby do. "You need to do something about your B.O."
Dwight Schrute: You need to do something about your B.O.
Michael Scott: Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Toby Flenderson: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael Scott: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words.
Creed Bratton: Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.
Michael Scott: Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. "You need to do something about your coffee breath"-
Dwight Schrute: You need-
Dwight Schrute: To do something about-
Michael Scott: Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.
Angela Martin: Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Michael Scott: Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well-
Angela Martin: Well, when you have coffee breath-
Michael Scott: I'll work on that-
Angela Martin: It's hard.
Michael Scott: Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday?
Michael Scott: Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion.
Dwight Schrute: Next suggestion.
Michael Scott: "Don't sl-", ok, that's blank (Dwight picks up note) Don't, just put it-
Dwight Schrute: "Don't sleep with your boss"? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
Jan Levinson: I can't, I can't-
Michael Scott: I don't understand why you're so upset.
Jan Levinson: Please sit down.
Michael Scott: Let me ask you-
Jan Levinson: You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there.
Michael Scott: Ok, let me ask you this.
Jan Levinson: Please, sit yourself down.
Michael Scott: Let me ask you something.
Jan Levinson: What, Michael.
Michael Scott: Where did you get your outfit?
Michael Scott: I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Jan Levinson: Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same
Michael Scott: Oh my God...
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out?
Jan Levinson: No, Dwight; come in.
Michael Scott: What do you want Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: I am ready for my performance review.
Michael Scott: Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye.
Jan Levinson: Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael?
Michael Scott: You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise?
Michael Scott: Why on earth would we give you a raise?
Dwight Schrute: That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. (points to graphs) I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. (Michael sighs) Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays.
Michael Scott: You do? How do you get in?
Dwight Schrute: I have a copy of your key.
Jan Levinson: That's a serious offense!
Michael Scott: That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart.
Jan Levinson: Oh! Michael, for God sakes!
Dwight Schrute: I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Michael Scott: Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that?
Dwight Schrute: For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
Michael Scott: That was deer!? Gross, oh!
Dwight Schrute: You liked it!
Michael Scott: Oh, did not!
Dwight Schrute: Jan, have you ever had deer?
Dwight Schrute: It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise.
Michael Scott: What do you say, Jan?
Jan Levinson: Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes.
Michael Scott: Ok. You just, uh, clear your head.
Jan Levinson: (Dwight opens door) Thank you, Dwight.
Pam Beesly: Do you think Michael and Jan actually...
Jim Halpert: I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam.
Pam Beesly: How do you come back from that?
Jim Halpert: Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.
Pam Beesly: No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that?
Pam Beesly: As a human being.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, no, I don't think you can.
Jan Levinson: I'm heading back to New York; Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.
Michael Scott: Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why?
Jan Levinson: Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Michael Scott: Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place?
Jan Levinson: No, I am saying we are never having this conversation.
Michael Scott: Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance?
Jan Levinson: Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.'
Michael Scott: I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio?
Jan Levinson: Michael, it has nothing-
Michael Scott: Am I too short?
Jan Levinson: With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate.
Jan Levinson: Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok?
Michael Scott: I appreciate that, thank you.
Jan Levinson: And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that-
Michael Scott: No, I wasn't, I didn't cry-
Jan Levinson: At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok?
Michael Scott: So my looks have nothing to do with it?
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 8 season 2. Performance Review is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.