E-mail Surveillance

Vol. 2 · Issue 9The Office · NBCScranton, PA

Michael decides to snoop on everyone's private emails and discovers Jim is hosting a BBQ he wasn't invited to. You'll find every line from the episode here, including Michael's disruptive improv class guns and that awkward Islands in the Stream duet. It's the best way to catch the exact wording of all the classic Dunder Mifflin moments.

Scene 01

4 lines

Michael Scott

It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. (sees man in a turban outside) Oh my God. Ohhh. (dials phone number) Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. (goes out onto office floor) Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.

Jim Halpert

Are we in danger?

Michael Scott

There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. (knock at the front door)

Kevin Malone

Michael, should I call the... (Michael waves his hands) What?

Scene 02

1 line

Michael Scott

The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.

Scene 03

7 lines

Michael Scott

Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected...

Sadiq (IT guy)

That just means you have to enter your password.

Michael Scott

Oh...

Sadiq (IT guy)

What's your password, Michael?

Michael Scott

Oh, umm... (looks at Post-It on computer)

Sadiq (IT guy)

Oh, it's 1-2-3.

Michael Scott

Yes.

Scene 04

16 lines

Dwight Schrute

Mi-

Michael Scott

AH! Guh-oood.

Dwight Schrute

Sorry.

Michael Scott

Please don't do that.

Dwight Schrute

Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?

Michael Scott

I can't tell you.

Dwight Schrute

You have to tell me.

Michael Scott

I don't have to tell you anything.

Dwight Schrute

Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.

Michael Scott

Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. (flexes his arms) Brrr! That's strong!

Dwight Schrute

Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-

Michael Scott

I'm not going get a brain-

Dwight Schrute

Or get hit by a car-

Michael Scott

Stop it.

Dwight Schrute

Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.

Michael Scott

Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?

Scene 05

1 line

Scene 06

3 lines

Michael Scott

So how do you search?

Sadiq (IT guy)

By keyword phrase.

Michael Scott

Try "profits". No! Try "Michael Scott". "Michael" "boss" and "funny". (Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up) Oh my God, wow! (chuckles) E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. (reads e-mail) "Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late." Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.

Scene 07

12 lines

Oscar Martinez

Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?

Michael Scott

Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? (robot voice) I will destroy everything in my path-

Oscar Martinez

Actually, it's just-

Michael Scott

Beep! Bop!

Oscar Martinez

Ok...

Michael Scott

Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. (Tin Man voice) Oil can. Oil can.

Oscar Martinez

Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.

Michael Scott

Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.

Dwight Schrute

So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?

Michael Scott

You know what the problem is?

Stanley Hudson

I think I do.

Michael Scott

The problem is that when people hear the term "big brother", they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.

Scene 08

1 line

Kevin Malone

I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.

Scene 09

12 lines

Dwight Schrute

Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.

Angela Martin

I know.

Dwight Schrute

Good. (Pam overhears)

Pam Beesly

(whispers to Jim) Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.

Jim Halpert

What?

Pam Beesly

I know!

Jim Halpert

Hmm...

Pam Beesly

Do you think that they're like-

Jim Halpert

No.

Pam Beesly

No, right, no, no.

Jim Halpert

(humming)

Pam Beesly

Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?

Scene 10

1 line

Pam Beesly

It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... (to camera guys) If you guys see anything... ?

Scene 11

5 lines

Pam Beesly

Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with.

Dwight Schrute

Nice.

Pam Beesly

One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?

Dwight Schrute

Does he have access to their medical records?

Pam Beesly

Ummmm...

Scene 12

1 line

Dwight Schrute

I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.

Scene 13

1 line

Michael Scott

Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .(scrolls down list) No.

Scene 14

9 lines

Pam Beesly

Hey, Angela-

Angela Martin

Hi.

Pam Beesly

How's it going?

Angela Martin

It's ok.

Pam Beesly

Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?

Angela Martin

No. Are we supposed to?

Pam Beesly

No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.

Angela Martin

Hmm... (Pam reaches towards vending machine) Excuse me.

Pam Beesly

Oh.

Scene 15

1 line

Michael Scott

There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.

Scene 16

8 lines

Kevin Malone

That's pretty young.

Pam Beesly

Yeah.

Kevin Malone

(to Michael) Are you gonna eat with us?

Michael Scott

Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.

Jim Halpert

Uh hum.

Michael Scott

Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.

Pam Beesly

The professors would go to the parties?

Michael Scott

Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.

Scene 17

1 line

Jim Halpert

It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. (sighs) He is very real.

Scene 18

1 line

Pam Beesly

(to cameraman) What? (looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth) Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!

Scene 19

16 lines

Dwight Schrute

Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-

Jim Halpert

Oh, uh, no. Could-

Dwight Schrute

I was wondering-

Jim Halpert

Could, keep that down.

Dwight Schrute

Why?

Jim Halpert

Because not everybody knows about the party.

Dwight Schrute

Like who? Who doesn't know?

Jim Halpert

Umm, Michael.

Dwight Schrute

Why just Michael?

Jim Halpert

Because it's a surprise.

Dwight Schrute

Is it?

Jim Halpert

Uh hmm.

Dwight Schrute

Oh, that's perfect!

Jim Halpert

So, don't tell.

Dwight Schrute

I won't.

Jim Halpert

Ok.

Scene 20

29 lines

Jim Halpert

So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.

Pam Beesly

Really? That's great.

Jim Halpert

I know.

Pam Beesly

Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.

Jim Halpert

(laughs) Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or...

Pam Beesly

Oh, no, he can't make it.

Jim Halpert

Oh, ok, cool.

Michael Scott

Hey there.

Jim Halpert

Hey.

Michael Scott

Almost quittin' time.

Jim Halpert

Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock.

Michael Scott

One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out.

Jim Halpert

Oh, um... .I can't.

Michael Scott

You have plans.

Jim Halpert

Uh hmm, definitely.

Michael Scott

I do, too. I do, too.

Jim Halpert

You do?

Michael Scott

I do, yeah. Big plans.

Jim Halpert

Because you said "do you wanna hang out"-

Michael Scott

Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-

Jim Halpert

Really?

Michael Scott

Yeah.

Jim Halpert

Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun.

Michael Scott

It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.

Jim Halpert

Improv sounds great.

Michael Scott

It is. Ok.

Jim Halpert

Alright.

Michael Scott

(someone coughs) What?

Jim Halpert

I think Stanley just coughed.

Scene 21

28 lines

Michael Scott

Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?

Pam Beesly

No thanks.

Michael Scott

Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-

Oscar Martinez

I'm on a call.

Michael Scott

Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?

Kevin Malone

My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-

Michael Scott

Ok, alright.

Kevin Malone

Oh.

Michael Scott

Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to?

Angela Martin

I'm just leaving for the day.

Michael Scott

Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?

Angela Martin

Charity. Bake drive.

Michael Scott

Liar!

Angela Martin

No!

Michael Scott

You are a liar.

Angela Martin

No, I'm not.

Michael Scott

Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.

Dwight Schrute

Battlestar Galatica.

Michael Scott

That's, whatever stupid show you want-

Dwight Schrute

I can't-

Michael Scott

To watch tonight

Dwight Schrute

Tonight.

Michael Scott

We're watching it.

Dwight Schrute

Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.

Michael Scott

I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.

Dwight Schrute

Clarinet.

Michael Scott

You, too, Dwight?

Dwight Schrute

Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. (to the camera) He has no idea!

Scene 22

20 lines

Jim Halpert

Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.

Dwight Schrute

Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock?

Mark

Hey, you must be Dwight!

Dwight Schrute

You don't work with us.

Jim Halpert

That's because Mark's my roommate.

Mark

Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.

Dwight Schrute

Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.

Jim Halpert

Uh hmm.

Dwight Schrute

When is the guest of honor coming?

Jim Halpert

Oh, uh, later-ish.

Dwight Schrute

He's gonna love it!

Jim Halpert

Great. (to a group of guests) Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-

Pam Beesly

Hey.

Jim Halpert

Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.

Pam Beesly

Definitely.

Jim Halpert

Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.

Ryan Howard

Hey, is Katy coming?

Jim Halpert

Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while.

Ryan Howard

Huh, is it ok if I call her?

Jim Halpert

We can talk about that later.

Scene 23

5 lines

Improv Teacher

Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene.

Michael Scott

(In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter') Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.

Improv Teacher

Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth.

Mary-Beth

Great. (skips) La la la la la laaa...

Michael Scott

(fake kicks in door) Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI.

Scene 24

1 line

Michael Scott

Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. (gasps) That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't.

Scene 25

20 lines

Girl acting Pregnant

I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget.

Michael Scott

Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! (shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor) Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. (another actor steps in) Boom! Boom! Boom!

Actor

I'm not even in the scene!

Actress

Again!?

Michael Scott

Boom! Boom!

Improv Teacher

Stop, stop, ok, stop.

Michael Scott

Boom! Boom!

Improv Teacher

You shot me, great. Now stop.

Michael Scott

Why

Improv Teacher

You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.

Michael Scott

Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.

Improv Teacher

Ok, what about the scene they set up?

Michael Scott

Boring.

Improv Teacher

No, it wasn't. No more guns.

Michael Scott

I could of-

Improv Teacher

No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.

Michael Scott

Ok.

Improv Teacher

Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great.

Michael Scott

Yehhhehh.

Improv Teacher

Yeeehh, ok.

Scene 26

18 lines

Pam Beesly

Jim's bedroom.

Jim Halpert

See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's-

Pam Beesly

Cool... This is your desk.

Jim Halpert

This is my desk.

Pam Beesly

Your home office?

Jim Halpert

My home office, this is it.

Pam Beesly

Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.

Jim Halpert

Ok, sure. Will do.

Pam Beesly

Ok, wait, so that would make me (walks to side of room) like right here.

Jim Halpert

Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right.

Pam Beesly

And Dwight would be like-

Jim Halpert

You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.

Pam Beesly

Umm, (gasps) yearbook!

Jim Halpert

Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all.

Pam Beesly

(finds Jim's picture) Ooooohhh no!

Jim Halpert

Oh yeah.

Pam Beesly

You were so dorky!

Jim Halpert

Thank you.

Scene 27

12 lines

Improv Teacher

Freeze!

Michael Scott

I'm in.

Improv Teacher

You wanna go over the rules one more time?

Michael Scott

No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.

Bill

I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.

Michael Scott

What are you... (whispers to Bill)

Improv Teacher

Michael, what did you tell him?

Michael Scott

Nothing.

Improv Teacher

Then why are his hands up? Bill?

Bill

He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.

Improv Teacher

Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill.

Michael Scott

Good, it's good. Good work, everybody.

Scene 28

6 lines

Jim Halpert

Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun?

Angela Martin

I got sap on me.

Jim Halpert

Chicken, hot dog, burger.

Angela Martin

I'm a vegetarian.

Jim Halpert

There is soda inside.

Angela Martin

Guh.

Scene 29

3 lines

Stanley Hudson

I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.

Oscar Martinez

Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they---

Kelly Kapoor

I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about.

Scene 30

6 lines

Angela Martin

I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. (Pam overhears)

Pam Beesly

Hey Phyllis, come here for a second.

Phyllis Vance

Sure.

Pam Beesly

Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?

Phyllis Vance

You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry!

Pam Beesly

That's ok. It's ok.

Scene 31

1 line

Kevin Malone

(smacks Ryan's hand) Not so fast... Fire Guy.

Scene 32

7 lines

Mary-Beth

How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here?

Bill

Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool.

Michael Scott

So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? (to camera) Go to Bernie's?

Bill

Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.

Michael Scott

Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it.

Bill

Ok.

Michael Scott

Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not.

Scene 33

5 lines

Phyllis Vance

(singing) Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known...

Jim Halpert

Oh by the way how's your side project going?

Pam Beesly

Oh, yeah I gave that up.

Jim Halpert

Really?

Pam Beesly

Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws.

Scene 34

1 line

Pam Beesly

Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on.

Scene 35

4 lines

Kevin Malone

(singing) Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.

Dwight Schrute

Surprise! (laughs) Everybody!

Phyllis Vance

Dwight...

Michael Scott

Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. (to Jim) There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! (sees Sadiq (IT guy)) Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine?

Scene 36

4 lines

Michael Scott

Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. (singing) Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind---

Michael & Jim

(singing) It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh.

Michael Scott

We're making love!

Michael & Jim

(singing) Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me...

Scene 37

3 lines

Michael Scott

Talk! Just talk!

Mary-Beth

I am-

Michael Scott

Shut up!

Scene 38

1 line

Michael Scott

Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says "Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." (giggles) And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.