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Season 2 Episode 9
E-mail Surveillance

Every line from The Office episode "E-mail Surveillance", season 2 episode 9.

Michael Scott: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. (sees man in a turban outside) Oh my God. Ohhh. (dials phone number) Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. (goes out onto office floor) Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Jim Halpert: Are we in danger?
Michael Scott: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. (knock at the front door)
Kevin Malone: Michael, should I call the... (Michael waves his hands) What?
Michael Scott: The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected...
Sadiq (IT guy): That just means you have to enter your password.
Michael Scott: Oh...
Sadiq (IT guy): What's your password, Michael?
Michael Scott: Oh, umm... (looks at Post-It on computer)
Sadiq (IT guy): Oh, it's 1-2-3.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Mi-
Michael Scott: AH! Guh-oood.
Dwight Schrute: Sorry.
Michael Scott: Please don't do that.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing?
Michael Scott: I can't tell you.
Dwight Schrute: You have to tell me.
Michael Scott: I don't have to tell you anything.
Dwight Schrute: Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over.
Michael Scott: Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. (flexes his arms) Brrr! That's strong!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm-
Michael Scott: I'm not going get a brain-
Dwight Schrute: Or get hit by a car-
Michael Scott: Stop it.
Dwight Schrute: Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke.
Michael Scott: Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away?
Michael Scott: There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it--- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails.
Michael Scott: So how do you search?
Sadiq (IT guy): By keyword phrase.
Michael Scott: Try "profits". No! Try "Michael Scott". "Michael" "boss" and "funny". (Sadiq (IT guy) types; result pops up) Oh my God, wow! (chuckles) E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. (reads e-mail) "Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late." Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers?
Michael Scott: Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? (robot voice) I will destroy everything in my path-
Oscar Martinez: Actually, it's just-
Michael Scott: Beep! Bop!
Oscar Martinez: Ok...
Michael Scott: Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. (Tin Man voice) Oil can. Oil can.
Oscar Martinez: Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Michael Scott: Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose.
Dwight Schrute: So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
Michael Scott: You know what the problem is?
Stanley Hudson: I think I do.
Michael Scott: The problem is that when people hear the term "big brother", they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother.
Kevin Malone: I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff.
Dwight Schrute: Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately.
Angela Martin: I know.
Dwight Schrute: Good. (Pam overhears)
Pam Beesly: (whispers to Jim) Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: I know!
Jim Halpert: Hmm...
Pam Beesly: Do you think that they're like-
Jim Halpert: No.
Pam Beesly: No, right, no, no.
Jim Halpert: (humming)
Pam Beesly: Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe?
Pam Beesly: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... (to camera guys) If you guys see anything... ?
Pam Beesly: Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with.
Dwight Schrute: Nice.
Pam Beesly: One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose?
Dwight Schrute: Does he have access to their medical records?
Pam Beesly: Ummmm...
Dwight Schrute: I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory.
Michael Scott: Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... .(scrolls down list) No.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Angela-
Angela Martin: Hi.
Pam Beesly: How's it going?
Angela Martin: It's ok.
Pam Beesly: Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight?
Angela Martin: No. Are we supposed to?
Pam Beesly: No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so.
Angela Martin: Hmm... (Pam reaches towards vending machine) Excuse me.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Michael Scott: There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
Kevin Malone: That's pretty young.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Kevin Malone: (to Michael) Are you gonna eat with us?
Michael Scott: Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup.
Jim Halpert: Uh hum.
Michael Scott: Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors.
Pam Beesly: The professors would go to the parties?
Michael Scott: Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them.
Jim Halpert: It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. (sighs) He is very real.
Pam Beesly: (to cameraman) What? (looks at Dwight eating a Baby Ruth) Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you!
Dwight Schrute: Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight-
Jim Halpert: Oh, uh, no. Could-
Dwight Schrute: I was wondering-
Jim Halpert: Could, keep that down.
Dwight Schrute: Why?
Jim Halpert: Because not everybody knows about the party.
Dwight Schrute: Like who? Who doesn't know?
Jim Halpert: Umm, Michael.
Dwight Schrute: Why just Michael?
Jim Halpert: Because it's a surprise.
Dwight Schrute: Is it?
Jim Halpert: Uh hmm.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's perfect!
Jim Halpert: So, don't tell.
Dwight Schrute: I won't.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Jim Halpert: So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael.
Pam Beesly: Really? That's great.
Jim Halpert: I know.
Pam Beesly: Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Jim Halpert: (laughs) Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or...
Pam Beesly: Oh, no, he can't make it.
Jim Halpert: Oh, ok, cool.
Michael Scott: Hey there.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: Almost quittin' time.
Jim Halpert: Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock.
Michael Scott: One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out.
Jim Halpert: Oh, um... .I can't.
Michael Scott: You have plans.
Jim Halpert: Uh hmm, definitely.
Michael Scott: I do, too. I do, too.
Jim Halpert: You do?
Michael Scott: I do, yeah. Big plans.
Jim Halpert: Because you said "do you wanna hang out"-
Michael Scott: Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds-
Jim Halpert: Really?
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Michael Scott: It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
Jim Halpert: Improv sounds great.
Michael Scott: It is. Ok.
Jim Halpert: Alright.
Michael Scott: (someone coughs) What?
Jim Halpert: I think Stanley just coughed.
Michael Scott: Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport?
Pam Beesly: No thanks.
Michael Scott: Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with-
Oscar Martinez: I'm on a call.
Michael Scott: Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to?
Kevin Malone: My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien-
Michael Scott: Ok, alright.
Kevin Malone: Oh.
Michael Scott: Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to?
Angela Martin: I'm just leaving for the day.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed?
Angela Martin: Charity. Bake drive.
Michael Scott: Liar!
Angela Martin: No!
Michael Scott: You are a liar.
Angela Martin: No, I'm not.
Michael Scott: Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy.
Dwight Schrute: Battlestar Galatica.
Michael Scott: That's, whatever stupid show you want-
Dwight Schrute: I can't-
Michael Scott: To watch tonight
Dwight Schrute: Tonight.
Michael Scott: We're watching it.
Dwight Schrute: Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.
Michael Scott: I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Clarinet.
Michael Scott: You, too, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. (to the camera) He has no idea!
Jim Halpert: Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy.
Dwight Schrute: Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock?
Mark: Hey, you must be Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: You don't work with us.
Jim Halpert: That's because Mark's my roommate.
Mark: Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here.
Jim Halpert: Uh hmm.
Dwight Schrute: When is the guest of honor coming?
Jim Halpert: Oh, uh, later-ish.
Dwight Schrute: He's gonna love it!
Jim Halpert: Great. (to a group of guests) Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised-
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave.
Pam Beesly: Definitely.
Jim Halpert: Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to.
Ryan Howard: Hey, is Katy coming?
Jim Halpert: Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while.
Ryan Howard: Huh, is it ok if I call her?
Jim Halpert: We can talk about that later.
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene.
Michael Scott: (In Horshack voice from 'Welcome Back, Kotter') Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air.
Improv Teacher: Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth.
Mary-Beth: Great. (skips) La la la la la laaa...
Michael Scott: (fake kicks in door) Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI.
Michael Scott: Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. (gasps) That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't.
Girl acting Pregnant: I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Michael Scott: Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! (shoots at Pregnant Girl and another actor) Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. (another actor steps in) Boom! Boom! Boom!
Actor: I'm not even in the scene!
Actress: Again!?
Michael Scott: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: Stop, stop, ok, stop.
Michael Scott: Boom! Boom!
Improv Teacher: You shot me, great. Now stop.
Michael Scott: Why
Improv Teacher: You can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Michael Scott: Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going.
Improv Teacher: Ok, what about the scene they set up?
Michael Scott: Boring.
Improv Teacher: No, it wasn't. No more guns.
Michael Scott: I could of-
Improv Teacher: No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Improv Teacher: Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great.
Michael Scott: Yehhhehh.
Improv Teacher: Yeeehh, ok.
Pam Beesly: Jim's bedroom.
Jim Halpert: See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's-
Pam Beesly: Cool... This is your desk.
Jim Halpert: This is my desk.
Pam Beesly: Your home office?
Jim Halpert: My home office, this is it.
Pam Beesly: Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.
Jim Halpert: Ok, sure. Will do.
Pam Beesly: Ok, wait, so that would make me (walks to side of room) like right here.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right.
Pam Beesly: And Dwight would be like-
Jim Halpert: You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.
Pam Beesly: Umm, (gasps) yearbook!
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all.
Pam Beesly: (finds Jim's picture) Ooooohhh no!
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah.
Pam Beesly: You were so dorky!
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Improv Teacher: Freeze!
Michael Scott: I'm in.
Improv Teacher: You wanna go over the rules one more time?
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael Scott: What are you... (whispers to Bill)
Improv Teacher: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Improv Teacher: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.
Improv Teacher: Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill.
Michael Scott: Good, it's good. Good work, everybody.
Jim Halpert: Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun?
Angela Martin: I got sap on me.
Jim Halpert: Chicken, hot dog, burger.
Angela Martin: I'm a vegetarian.
Jim Halpert: There is soda inside.
Angela Martin: Guh.
Stanley Hudson: I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did.
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they---
Kelly Kapoor: I'm sorry guys; can we please not talk about paper? There's gotta be something else we can talk about.
Angela Martin: I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. (Pam overhears)
Pam Beesly: Hey Phyllis, come here for a second.
Phyllis Vance: Sure.
Pam Beesly: Have you heard anything about any secret office romances?
Phyllis Vance: You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry!
Pam Beesly: That's ok. It's ok.
Kevin Malone: (smacks Ryan's hand) Not so fast... Fire Guy.
Mary-Beth: How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here?
Bill: Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool.
Michael Scott: So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? (to camera) Go to Bernie's?
Bill: Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing.
Michael Scott: Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it.
Bill: Ok.
Michael Scott: Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not.
Phyllis Vance: (singing) Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known...
Jim Halpert: Oh by the way how's your side project going?
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah I gave that up.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws.
Pam Beesly: Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on.
Kevin Malone: (singing) Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore.
Dwight Schrute: Surprise! (laughs) Everybody!
Phyllis Vance: Dwight...
Michael Scott: Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. (to Jim) There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! (sees Sadiq (IT guy)) Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine?
Michael Scott: Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. (singing) Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind---
Michael & Jim: (singing) It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh.
Michael Scott: We're making love!
Michael & Jim: (singing) Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me...
Michael Scott: Talk! Just talk!
Mary-Beth: I am-
Michael Scott: Shut up!
Michael Scott: Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says "Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." (giggles) And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.

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