Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Gay Witch Hunt

Vol. 3 · Issue 1Scranton, PA

Every line from the Season 3 premiere is right here, including Michael’s disastrous attempts to use "gay-dar" on the staff. You can read the full script of the infamous conference room meeting where Michael tries to prove how progressive he is by kissing Oscar. From Jim's first day as "Big Tuna" in Stamford to Pam’s new life as a single artist, all the best quotes are archived on this page.

Scene 01

1 line
Ryan Howard
Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp." It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. ...that'll show 'em.

Scene 02

5 lines
Jim Halpert
(after "the kiss") You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Pam Beesly
Me too. ...I think we're just drunk.
Jim Halpert
No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam Beesly
No... (Jim leans in for another kiss) Jim---
Jim Halpert
Are you really gonna marry him? (Pam nods) ...Ok.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(sobbing) Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! (serious) False. I do not miss him.

Scene 04

4 lines
Michael Scott
No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody "faggie". Why would anybody find that offensive?
Toby Flenderson
OK I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that.
Michael Scott
That's what faggie means!
Toby Flenderson
No not really...

Scene 05

9 lines
Toby Flenderson
Apparently you called Oscar "faggie" for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.
Michael Scott
It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!
Toby Flenderson
All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay.
Michael Scott
Exactly!
Toby Flenderson
I mean for real.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I know.
Toby Flenderson
No, I mean he's attracted to other men.
Michael Scott
OK, a little too far, crossed the line.
Toby Flenderson
OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards". It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Scene 07

4 lines
Michael Scott
Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar Martinez
No, it's fine.
Michael Scott
No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude.
Oscar Martinez
That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that.

Scene 08

1 line
Angela Martin
(in reference to Oscar being gay) It explains so much.

Scene 09

1 line
Oscar Martinez
No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... (sighs) Uh... yeah I'm gay.

Scene 10

1 line
Jim Halpert
I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right?

Scene 12

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right?
Jim Halpert
Uh-huh, yeah. I am.
Andy Bernard
She's pretty hot huh? (Jim nods) She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
Jim Halpert
OooOK.
Andy Bernard
OooOK.

Scene 13

1 line
Jim Halpert
I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

Scene 14

1 line
Andy Bernard
Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? (laughs) I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, "Here Comes Treble."

Scene 15

2 lines
Josh
So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them.
Jim Halpert
Oh, I can do that.

Scene 16

1 line
Karen Filippelli
Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. (makes classic "Jim"-camera face) What is that?

Scene 17

9 lines
Michael Scott
Can you tell who's gay and who's not?
Dwight Schrute
Of course.
Michael Scott
What about Oscar?
Dwight Schrute
Absolutely not.
Michael Scott
Well, he is.
Dwight Schrute
Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...
Michael Scott
(deep sigh) There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.
Dwight Schrute
You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Scene 18

4 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
Dwight Schrute
I really don't think so.
Michael Scott
I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?
Dwight Schrute
(creepy smile)

Scene 19

6 lines
Michael Scott
Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.
Dwight Schrute
Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.
Michael Scott
That's ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott
(sighs) Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight Schrute
Definitely.

Scene 20

1 line
Jim Halpert
What's gay-dar? Oh, oh, gay-dar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I could check for you. No problem. (loudly fake typing) It's sold out! Yeah sorry about that, that's a bummer.

Scene 21

2 lines
Michael Scott
Well, they're sold out.
Dwight Schrute
Damn. (thinks) I'll try Brookstone.

Scene 22

1 line
Jim Halpert
I miss that.

Scene 23

5 lines
Roy Anderson
Chicken or fish?
Pam Beesly
(loud sigh) Chicken.
Roy Anderson
So you havin' a good day?
Pam Beesly
Excellent, thanks.
Roy Anderson
Good, glad. OK.

Scene 24

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.

Scene 25

1 line
Roy Anderson
After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back.

Scene 26

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.

Scene 27

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

Scene 28

1 line
Oscar Martinez
Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan.

Scene 29

1 line
Angela Martin
Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.

Scene 30

1 line
Andy Bernard
OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND!

Scene 31

16 lines
Jan Levinson
You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation.
Michael Scott
I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so...
Jan Levinson
That's not what it's called.
Toby Flenderson
OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?
Michael Scott
What? What does that even...
Jan Levinson
Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Michael Scott
Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival.
Toby Flenderson
All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault.
Michael Scott
I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
Jan Levinson
NO!
Michael Scott
I don't kn--
Jan Levinson
No, it's not possible.
Michael Scott
Anything's possible.
Jan Levinson
You know, imagine... you were gay.
Michael Scott
(laughs) Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!
Jan Levinson
Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand?

Scene 32

1 line
Michael Scott
The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Scene 33

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
Am I the first gay man you ever knew?
Michael Scott
Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer?

Scene 34

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.
Dwight Schrute
Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
(looking at gay porn) Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful.

Scene 36

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ah damn pop-ups.
Oscar Martinez
What are you doing?!
Angela Martin
Watching some of your friends.

Scene 37

1 line
Michael Scott
(yelling) All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!

Scene 38

1 line
Michael Scott
Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men.

Scene 39

2 lines
Michael Scott
We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.
Oscar Martinez
Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?

Scene 40

1 line
Creed Bratton
: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.

Scene 41

4 lines
Michael Scott
Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Angela Martin
Judges and juries!
Michael Scott
Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?
Kevin Malone
: That sounds great.

Scene 42

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
Oscar Martinez
No one else in this office is gay.
Dwight Schrute
What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Phyllis Vance
I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael Scott
That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! (laughs) See? Everybody has a chance!

Scene 43

9 lines
Michael Scott
But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do!
Phyllis Vance
No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school.
Michael Scott
(laughing) Right! (serious) And I take that as a compliment.
Phyllis Vance
Well with your ties and your matching socks and ---
Michael Scott
Well, I just like to look good OK, so ---
Oscar Martinez
You sound pretty defensive Michael.
Michael Scott
No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!
Oscar Martinez
I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.
Michael Scott
No no no. The only signal that I am sending is: Gay, good.

Scene 44

5 lines
Michael Scott
Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag.
Oscar Martinez
I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
Michael Scott
You misunderstand-- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend ---
Oscar Martinez
I would rather not.
Michael Scott
...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!

Scene 45

4 lines
Oscar Martinez
No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small!
Michael Scott
All right, um... sorry.
Oscar Martinez
Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. (Oscar and Michael hug)
Michael Scott
(sobbing) I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy.

Scene 46

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.

Scene 47

2 lines
Michael Scott
(embracing Oscar)You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. (awkwardly kissing Oscar) I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. (everyone claps)
Michael Scott
(Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar) Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man!

Scene 48

1 line
Michael Scott
We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?

Scene 49

1 line
Michael Scott
I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said.

Scene 50

1 line
Michael Scott
Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows?

Scene 51

1 line
Oscar Martinez
I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.

Scene 52

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(reading the note with the gay-dar) "Hope this helps. -Jim" Nice!

Scene 53

2 lines
Oscar Martinez
(Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body) What are you doing?!
Dwight Schrute
Shhh. Don't be scared. (gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles) It works. (gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle) ...oh no.