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Season 3 Episode 1
Gay Witch Hunt

Every line from The Office episode "Gay Witch Hunt", season 3 episode 1.

Ryan Howard: Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp." It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. ...that'll show 'em.
Jim Halpert: (after "the kiss") You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.
Pam Beesly: Me too. ...I think we're just drunk.
Jim Halpert: No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?
Pam Beesly: No... (Jim leans in for another kiss) Jim---
Jim Halpert: Are you really gonna marry him? (Pam nods) ...Ok.
Dwight Schrute: (sobbing) Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! (serious) False. I do not miss him.
Michael Scott: No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody "faggie". Why would anybody find that offensive?
Toby Flenderson: OK I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that.
Michael Scott: That's what faggie means!
Toby Flenderson: No not really...
Toby Flenderson: Apparently you called Oscar "faggie" for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.
Michael Scott: It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!
Toby Flenderson: All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay.
Michael Scott: Exactly!
Toby Flenderson: I mean for real.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know.
Toby Flenderson: No, I mean he's attracted to other men.
Michael Scott: OK, a little too far, crossed the line.
Toby Flenderson: OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.
Michael Scott: I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards". It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.
Michael Scott: Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar Martinez: No, it's fine.
Michael Scott: No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude.
Oscar Martinez: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that.
Angela Martin: (in reference to Oscar being gay) It explains so much.
Oscar Martinez: No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... (sighs) Uh... yeah I'm gay.
Jim Halpert: I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable.
Jim Halpert: Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right?
Andy Bernard: Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right?
Jim Halpert: Uh-huh, yeah. I am.
Andy Bernard: She's pretty hot huh? (Jim nods) She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.
Jim Halpert: OooOK.
Andy Bernard: OooOK.
Jim Halpert: I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name.
Andy Bernard: Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? (laughs) I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, "Here Comes Treble."
Josh: So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I can do that.
Karen Filippelli: Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. (makes classic "Jim"-camera face) What is that?
Michael Scott: Can you tell who's gay and who's not?
Dwight Schrute: Of course.
Michael Scott: What about Oscar?
Dwight Schrute: Absolutely not.
Michael Scott: Well, he is.
Dwight Schrute: Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...
Michael Scott: (deep sigh) There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
Michael Scott: Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.
Dwight Schrute: I really don't think so.
Michael Scott: I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?
Dwight Schrute: (creepy smile)
Michael Scott: Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.
Dwight Schrute: Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.
Michael Scott: That's ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott: (sighs) Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight Schrute: Definitely.
Jim Halpert: What's gay-dar? Oh, oh, gay-dar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I could check for you. No problem. (loudly fake typing) It's sold out! Yeah sorry about that, that's a bummer.
Michael Scott: Well, they're sold out.
Dwight Schrute: Damn. (thinks) I'll try Brookstone.
Jim Halpert: I miss that.
Roy Anderson: Chicken or fish?
Pam Beesly: (loud sigh) Chicken.
Roy Anderson: So you havin' a good day?
Pam Beesly: Excellent, thanks.
Roy Anderson: Good, glad. OK.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.
Roy Anderson: After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back.
Stanley Hudson: I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.
Kelly Kapoor: That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.
Oscar Martinez: Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan.
Angela Martin: Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.
Andy Bernard: OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND!
Jan Levinson: You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation.
Michael Scott: I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so...
Jan Levinson: That's not what it's called.
Toby Flenderson: OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?
Michael Scott: What? What does that even...
Jan Levinson: Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.
Michael Scott: Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival.
Toby Flenderson: All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault.
Michael Scott: I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
Jan Levinson: NO!
Michael Scott: I don't kn--
Jan Levinson: No, it's not possible.
Michael Scott: Anything's possible.
Jan Levinson: You know, imagine... you were gay.
Michael Scott: (laughs) Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!
Jan Levinson: Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand?
Michael Scott: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
Oscar Martinez: Am I the first gay man you ever knew?
Michael Scott: Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer?
Pam Beesly: Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.
Michael Scott: (looking at gay porn) Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful.
Dwight Schrute: Ah damn pop-ups.
Oscar Martinez: What are you doing?!
Angela Martin: Watching some of your friends.
Michael Scott: (yelling) All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!
Michael Scott: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men.
Michael Scott: We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.
Oscar Martinez: Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?
Creed Bratton: : I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.
Michael Scott: Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Angela Martin: Judges and juries!
Michael Scott: Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?
Kevin Malone: : That sounds great.
Dwight Schrute: I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
Oscar Martinez: No one else in this office is gay.
Dwight Schrute: What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Phyllis Vance: I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael Scott: That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! (laughs) See? Everybody has a chance!
Michael Scott: But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do!
Phyllis Vance: No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school.
Michael Scott: (laughing) Right! (serious) And I take that as a compliment.
Phyllis Vance: Well with your ties and your matching socks and ---
Michael Scott: Well, I just like to look good OK, so ---
Oscar Martinez: You sound pretty defensive Michael.
Michael Scott: No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!
Oscar Martinez: I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here.
Michael Scott: No no no. The only signal that I am sending is: Gay, good.
Michael Scott: Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag.
Oscar Martinez: I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
Michael Scott: You misunderstand-- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend ---
Oscar Martinez: I would rather not.
Michael Scott: ...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!
Oscar Martinez: No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small!
Michael Scott: All right, um... sorry.
Oscar Martinez: Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. (Oscar and Michael hug)
Michael Scott: (sobbing) I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy.
Dwight Schrute: Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
Michael Scott: (embracing Oscar)You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. (awkwardly kissing Oscar) I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. (everyone claps)
Michael Scott: (Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar) Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man!
Michael Scott: We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?
Michael Scott: I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said.
Michael Scott: Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows?
Oscar Martinez: I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
Dwight Schrute: (reading the note with the gay-dar) "Hope this helps. -Jim" Nice!
Oscar Martinez: (Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body) What are you doing?!
Dwight Schrute: Shhh. Don't be scared. (gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles) It works. (gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle) ...oh no.

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