Every line from The Office episode "Back From Vacation", season 3 episode 11.
Jim Halpert: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... (to Dwight) what is this?
Dwight Schrute: Tape recorder.
Dwight Schrute: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Jim Halpert: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?
Jim Halpert: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight Schrute: I do not have a knife!
Jim Halpert: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!
Dwight Schrute: (leans into tape recorder) Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim Halpert: (picks up tape recorder and speaks into it) Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight Schrute: Give me it. I am not.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...
Dwight Schrute: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen Filippelli: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight Schrute: You can't see... You can't see my stomach.
Andy Bernard: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!
Pam Beesly: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... (sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair) that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
Michael Scott: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.
Michael Scott: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later.
Pam Beesly: It's kind of serious.
Michael Scott: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam Beesly: How was Jamaica?
Michael Scott: It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael Scott: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley Hudson: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Michael Scott: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Stanley Hudson: They said I should talk to you.
Michael Scott: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna...
Stanley Hudson: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael Scott: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.
Michael Scott: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! (playing conch shell) Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.
Pam Beesly: That's good. (Michael continues to play conch shell)
Michael Scott: You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Michael Scott: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.
Pam Beesly: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael Scott: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Pam Beesly: But you can't today, we're doing inventory.
Michael Scott: Inventory's at the end of December.
Pam Beesly: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael Scott: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Michael Scott: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela Martin: By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael Scott: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim Halpert: Yep, it's English, it's "impossible."
Angela Martin: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.
Michael Scott: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? (points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads) "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God. Is that Jan? (points to same monitor)
Everyone: Oh yeah, oh my God.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.
Michael Scott: (on phone) Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Todd Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.
Todd Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.
Michael Scott: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim.
Todd Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.
Michael Scott: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Todd Packer: Well, no. I got nothing.
Michael Scott: Check it again. Hit refresh.
Todd Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
Todd Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?
Michael Scott: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?
Roy Anderson: He's in the office.
Michael Scott: OK, Hey, man, how's it going?
Darryl Philbin: All right, what's up Mike?
Michael Scott: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Michael Scott: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?
Michael Scott: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.
Michael Scott: And you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl Philbin: Mike, I'm very busy down here. (eats chicken)
Michael Scott: I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight Schrute: Who's the target?
Michael Scott: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."
Dwight Schrute: What's it of?
Michael Scott: Not important.
Dwight Schrute: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael Scott: OK, forget it.
Dwight Schrute: OK, I accept it.
Jim Halpert: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.
Pam Beesly: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I guess.
Pam Beesly: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.
Jim Halpert: Hey, thanks a lot.
Pam Beesly: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? (both start laughing)
Toby Flenderson: Hey I need to talk to you right now.
Michael Scott: Not now, not ever.
Toby Flenderson: About you and Jan.
Michael Scott: Aww, none of your business.
Toby Flenderson: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael Scott: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now.
Michael Scott: This is probably the icebreaker you need.
Toby Flenderson: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael Scott: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby Flenderson: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
Toby Flenderson: All right, thanks Michael.
Angela Martin: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.
Karen Filippelli: What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis Vance: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela Martin: Did you try the petting zoo?
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.
Michael Scott: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam Beesly: He'll call you back. OK, great.
Michael Scott: She bought it? (Pam nods) OK. OK.
Dwight Schrute: (to Jim and Ryan) Michael hit a deer?
Dwight Schrute: Michael! Michael! (pokes head through blinds in Michael's office) There's an emergency in the warehouse.
Michael Scott: There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Dwight Schrute: No, it's... involves the photograph.
Michael Scott: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.
Roy Anderson: (starts clapping) Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.
Michael Scott: All right. (continued clapping and cheering for Michael)
Roy Anderson: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!
Michael Scott: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---
Michael Scott: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe...
Michael Scott: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?
Michael Scott: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! (plays conch shell)
Pam Beesly: What are you doing out here?
Michael Scott: Island living. You know?
Pam Beesly: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.
Michael Scott: Did she say what it's about?
Pam Beesly: That's all she said.
Andy Bernard: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot (playing conch shell)
Dwight Schrute: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that (referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall) be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
Michael Scott: There are copies in the bathroom?
Dwight Schrute: There were. A lot of them.
Michael Scott: All right.
Karen Filippelli: I think I owe you one.
Karen Filippelli: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.
Dwight Schrute: Who did this to you? (refers to Pam crying) Where is he?
Pam Beesly: What? No, it's not... it's nothing.
Dwight Schrute: (takes off coat to tie around waist) It's hot in here.
Pam Beesly: (Dwight hands out handkerchief) Thanks. You don't need to stay here.
Dwight Schrute: I know. (puts arm around Pam who continues to cry) So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?
Jan Levinson: Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
Kevin Malone: Hi Jan, you look... tan.
Jan Levinson: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. How was it?
Jan Levinson: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Jan Levinson: Why am I here, Michael?
Jan Levinson: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?
Michael Scott: I... I... Yes.
Jan Levinson: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.
Jan Levinson: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael Scott: Who is Dr. Perry? I...
Jan Levinson: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.
Michael Scott: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.
Jan Levinson: Good, good.
Michael Scott: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh...
Jan Levinson: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...
Michael Scott: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - (Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately)
Jan Levinson: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.
Michael Scott: Jan, you... complete... me.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 11 season 3. Back From Vacation is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.