Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Back From Vacation

Vol. 3 · Issue 11Scranton, PA

Michael is back from Jamaica with beads in his hair and a topless photo he accidentally sent to the entire office. You’ll find every line from the episode here, covering the chaos of the warehouse luau and Jan’s surprising arrival in Scranton. It’s the best way to catch all the "Feeling Hot Hot Hot" moments without the awkward email fallout.

Scene 01

22 lines
Jim Halpert
All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... (to Dwight) what is this?
Dwight Schrute
Tape recorder.
Jim Halpert
For what?
Dwight Schrute
For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Jim Halpert
OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing?
Dwight Schrute
What?
Jim Halpert
You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
Dwight Schrute
I'm not.
Jim Halpert
Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife!
Dwight Schrute
I do not have a knife!
Jim Halpert
No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?!
Dwight Schrute
(leans into tape recorder) Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar!
Jim Halpert
(picks up tape recorder and speaks into it) Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
Dwight Schrute
Give me it. I am not.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly...
Dwight Schrute
Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK.
Karen Filippelli
Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo?
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
Dwight Schrute
You can't see... You can't see my stomach.
Andy Bernard
I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in!

Scene 02

17 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, mon!
Pam Beesly
Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... (sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair) that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed.
Michael Scott
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax.
Pam Beesly
OK.
Michael Scott
Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later.
Pam Beesly
It's kind of serious.
Michael Scott
Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me.
Pam Beesly
How was Jamaica?
Michael Scott
It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back.
Stanley Hudson
Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
Michael Scott
Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
Stanley Hudson
My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised.
Michael Scott
OK, well payroll is in charge of all that.
Stanley Hudson
They said I should talk to you.
Michael Scott
Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna...
Stanley Hudson
I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
Michael Scott
You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon.

Scene 03

2 lines
Jim Halpert
You want to talk about it?
Karen Filippelli
Nope.

Scene 04

1 line
Karen Filippelli
I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away.

Scene 05

11 lines
Michael Scott
Feelin' hot, hot, hot! (playing conch shell) Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.
Pam Beesly
That's good. (Michael continues to play conch shell)
Michael Scott
You know, I had never been out of the country before now?
Pam Beesly
Huh.
Michael Scott
Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time.
Pam Beesly
It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael Scott
Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three.
Pam Beesly
But you can't today, we're doing inventory.
Michael Scott
Inventory's at the end of December.
Pam Beesly
We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
Michael Scott
I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans?

Scene 07

5 lines
Michael Scott
Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
Angela Martin
By the end of the day? That's impossible.
Michael Scott
The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Jim Halpert
Yep, it's English, it's "impossible."
Angela Martin
Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need.

Scene 09

6 lines
Michael Scott
Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? (points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads) "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God. Is that Jan? (points to same monitor)
Everyone
What? Where?
Pam Beesly
On the left.
Everyone
Oh yeah, oh my God.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue.

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan.

Scene 11

14 lines
Michael Scott
(on phone) Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica.
Todd Packer
Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked.
Michael Scott
Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay.
Todd Packer
You took the ice queen? I don't buy it.
Michael Scott
Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim.
Todd Packer
They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.
Michael Scott
Oh no?
Todd Packer
No.
Michael Scott
OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it?
Todd Packer
Well, no. I got nothing.
Michael Scott
Check it again. Hit refresh.
Todd Packer
Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
Michael Scott
OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... (reading computer screen) [email protected]. [email protected]. Uh oh.
Todd Packer
Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture?

Scene 12

12 lines
Michael Scott
Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl?
Roy Anderson
He's in the office.
Michael Scott
OK, Hey, man, how's it going?
Darryl Philbin
All right, what's up Mike?
Michael Scott
That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me?
Darryl Philbin
Yup.
Michael Scott
OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people?
Darryl Philbin
Uh huh.
Michael Scott
OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it.
Darryl Philbin
Yup.
Michael Scott
And you sent that out to everyone?
Darryl Philbin
Mike, I'm very busy down here. (eats chicken)

Scene 13

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Yikes.
Kevin Malone
Already sent it to you my friend.
Jim Halpert
Fantastic.
Andy Bernard
Boring. Call me if she rolls over.

Scene 14

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
You OK?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
You sure?
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.
Pam Beesly
Oh. You want to talk about it?
Jim Halpert
Really?

Scene 15

8 lines
Michael Scott
I have a special assignment for you.
Dwight Schrute
Who's the target?
Michael Scott
A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess."
Dwight Schrute
What's it of?
Michael Scott
Not important.
Dwight Schrute
Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Michael Scott
OK, forget it.
Dwight Schrute
OK, I accept it.

Scene 16

6 lines
Jim Halpert
So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much.
Pam Beesly
Hmm.
Jim Halpert
Hmm, what?
Pam Beesly
How far away does she live now, like ten minutes?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I guess.
Pam Beesly
Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.

Scene 17

1 line
Pam Beesly
No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah.

Scene 18

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, thanks a lot.
Pam Beesly
Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan!
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? (both start laughing)

Scene 19

14 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey I need to talk to you right now.
Michael Scott
Not now, not ever.
Toby Flenderson
About you and Jan.
Michael Scott
Aww, none of your business.
Toby Flenderson
Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship.
Michael Scott
That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Toby Flenderson
Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now.
Michael Scott
This is probably the icebreaker you need.
Toby Flenderson
You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael Scott
I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv.
Toby Flenderson
All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael Scott
No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo?
Toby Flenderson
All right, thanks Michael.
Michael Scott
OK.

Scene 20

4 lines
Angela Martin
OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping.
Karen Filippelli
What are the ingredients of poi?
Phyllis Vance
I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela Martin
Did you try the petting zoo?

Scene 21

5 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you.
Michael Scott
Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat.
Pam Beesly
He'll call you back. OK, great.
Michael Scott
She bought it? (Pam nods) OK. OK.
Dwight Schrute
(to Jim and Ryan) Michael hit a deer?

Scene 22

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael! Michael! (pokes head through blinds in Michael's office) There's an emergency in the warehouse.
Michael Scott
There an accident? Somebody hurt?
Dwight Schrute
No, it's... involves the photograph.
Michael Scott
Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no.

Scene 23

3 lines
Roy Anderson
(starts clapping) Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done.
Michael Scott
All right. (continued clapping and cheering for Michael)
Roy Anderson
That corporate booty, he likes to hit it!

Scene 24

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman---
Kevin Malone
Jan.
Michael Scott
No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe...
Jim Halpert
Urkel Grue.
Michael Scott
My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right?

Scene 25

9 lines
Michael Scott
Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! (plays conch shell)
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Pam Beesly
What are you doing out here?
Michael Scott
Island living. You know?
Pam Beesly
Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you.
Michael Scott
Did she say what it's about?
Pam Beesly
That's all she said.
Andy Bernard
Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot (playing conch shell)

Scene 26

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Uh, I think you dropped this (hands over piece of paper)
Karen Filippelli
You sure?
Jim Halpert
Definitely.

Scene 27

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that (referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall) be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom.
Michael Scott
There are copies in the bathroom?
Dwight Schrute
There were. A lot of them.
Michael Scott
All right.

Scene 28

6 lines
Karen Filippelli
I think I owe you one.
Pam Beesly
Sorry?
Karen Filippelli
For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously.
Pam Beesly
Sure.

Scene 29

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up (holds up an iPod inside speakers) You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.

Scene 30

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Who did this to you? (refers to Pam crying) Where is he?
Pam Beesly
What? No, it's not... it's nothing.
Dwight Schrute
(takes off coat to tie around waist) It's hot in here.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
(Dwight hands out handkerchief) Thanks. You don't need to stay here.
Dwight Schrute
I know. (puts arm around Pam who continues to cry) So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh?

Scene 31

7 lines
Jan Levinson
Hello everyone. Hello Michael.
Michael Scott
Guh.
Kevin Malone
Hi Jan, you look... tan.
Jan Levinson
I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. How was it?
Jan Levinson
Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office.
Michael Scott
OK, yup.

Scene 32

17 lines
Jan Levinson
Why am I here, Michael?
Michael Scott
I...
Jan Levinson
In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me?
Michael Scott
I... I... Yes.
Jan Levinson
I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself.
Michael Scott
OK, yeah.
Jan Levinson
This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks.
Michael Scott
Who is Dr. Perry? I...
Jan Levinson
This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you.
Michael Scott
And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well.
Jan Levinson
Good, good.
Michael Scott
So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh...
Jan Levinson
Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time...
Michael Scott
Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - (Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately)
Jan Levinson
Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo.
Michael Scott
Jan, you... complete... me.
Jan Levinson
Oh, God.

Scene 33

3 lines
Roy Anderson
Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Roy Anderson
I was definitely right. (both laugh) Oh, brother.

Scene 34

1 line
Kevin Malone
What am I going to do? (Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael) I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. (smirks)