Every line from The Office episode "Traveling Salesmen", season 3 episode 12.
Michael Scott: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael Scott: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you can.
Michael Scott: You know what? Get Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim Halpert: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael Scott: Oh, that is gross.
Pam Beesly: Who is 'Long Tim'?
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim Halpert: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?
Pam Beesly: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Right?
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Pam Beesly: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Kevin Malone: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela Martin: They arrived this morning.
Kevin Malone: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela Martin: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin Malone: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
Michael Scott: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Andy Bernard: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy Bernard: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.
Andy Bernard: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael Scott: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.
Andy Bernard: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael Scott: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis Vance: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.
Karen Filippelli: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael Scott: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Michael Scott: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
Stanley Hudson: ... I'll take the kid.
Andy Bernard: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
Michael Scott: Here ya go. (throws laundry)
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Andy Bernard: He does your laundry?
Michael Scott: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." (To Ryan and Stanley) And you guys are the retired marines. (To Phyllis and Karen) And you guys are the mother and daughter. (To Dwight and Jim) And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen Filippelli: Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael Scott: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.
Ryan Howard: Is there a prize?
Michael Scott: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis Vance: Then how is this "Amazing Race"?
Michael Scott: It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Dwight Schrute: Come on!!
Phyllis Vance: Michael. (Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.)
Michael Scott: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Phyllis Vance: Do you have a pole?
Karen Filippelli: Let's go get a broom.
Andy Bernard: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael Scott: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy Bernard: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.
Ryan Howard: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?
Stanley Hudson: You want the lead?
Ryan Howard: Yeah, if you don't mind.
Stanley Hudson: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
Andy Bernard: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?
Jim Halpert: After you sir.
Dwight Schrute: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim Halpert: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... (Jim slaps Dwight)
Pam Beesly: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
Angela Martin: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Pam Beesly: That's great.
Angela Martin: Yes, it is. (Walks up to the counter where there is no employee) Hello?
Michael Scott: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
Michael Scott: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.
Andy Bernard: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.
Michael Scott: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.
Andy Bernard: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.
Michael Scott: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy Bernard: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.
Andy Bernard: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
Michael Scott: Stop it. (Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder) Stop it.
Andy Bernard: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
Michael Scott: Ah, no. Don't worry about it.
Andy Bernard: I really 'Schruted' it.
Andy Bernard: 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.
Phyllis Vance: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, thank you.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, how's Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
Stanley Hudson: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?
Julius: Great, great, great.
Stanley Hudson: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Stanley Hudson: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan Howard: Um... (To the Buyers) Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Jim Halpert: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.
Dwight Schrute: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Jim Halpert: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
Dwight Schrute: (On Phone) One...
Jim Halpert: We have discount prices on ink cartridges...
Jim Halpert: And, also, any forms that you are going to need...
Jim Halpert: We can custom make them.
Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
Jim Halpert: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.
Dwight Schrute: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.
Jim Halpert: (Dials cell Phone) And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Kelly Kapoor: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . (Jim hangs up)
Dwight Schrute: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal.
Karen Filippelli: Thanks. That was fun.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.
Karen Filippelli: Thank you.
Phyllis Vance: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
Karen Filippelli: That's nice.
Phyllis Vance: You can pay me back later for the makeover.
Andy Bernard: Hey boss. Got a minute?
Michael Scott: Yes, Andy.
Andy Bernard: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael Scott: He didn't say.
Andy Bernard: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael Scott: No, you are remembering it wrong.
Dwight Schrute: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.
Jim Halpert: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.
Dwight Schrute: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
Jim Halpert: We should go on a double date.
Dwight Schrute: No thank you.
Jan Levinson: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc."
Michael Scott: I knew it. (Dwight and Jim walk in)
Andy Bernard: Oh, doggie.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, we nailed the sale!
Michael Scott: Where were you this morning?
Dwight Schrute: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.
Michael Scott: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight Schrute: I am not a liar.
Michael Scott: You are lying right now.
Andy Bernard: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight Schrute: Stay out of this, you!
Michael Scott: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
Dwight Schrute: It's going to be ok.
Angela Martin: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight Schrute: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela Martin: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
Karen Filippelli: So, let me ask you a question.
Karen Filippelli: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim Halpert: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?
Karen Filippelli: I moved here from Connecticut...
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?
Andy Bernard: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... (camera had focused in on Angela watching) Hello? Pretty good.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 12 season 3. Traveling Salesmen is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.