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Season 3 Episode 12
Traveling Salesmen

Every line from The Office episode "Traveling Salesmen", season 3 episode 12.

Michael Scott: Jim, could you come in here please?
Harvey: Hi, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Hello.
Harvey: I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.
Michael Scott: Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, you can.
Michael Scott: You know what? Get Pam.
Jim Halpert: For this?
Michael Scott: Pam.
Harvey: Pam, you look very hot today.
Jim Halpert: Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.
Pam Beesly: Great.
Harvey: Me so horny. Me love you long tim.
Michael Scott: Oh, that is gross.
Pam Beesly: Who is 'Long Tim'?
Michael Scott: Damn it.
Harvey: Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.
Jim Halpert: Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?
Pam Beesly: I would love to meet Long Tim.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Right?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Harvey: You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Pam Beesly: Ok. Bye Harvey.
Harvey: Boobs.
Kevin Malone: Angela.
Angela Martin: What?
Kevin Malone: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela Martin: They arrived this morning.
Kevin Malone: Are you sure? It is a big deal.
Angela Martin: Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?
Kevin Malone: ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.
Andy Bernard: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.
Angela Martin: Everything ok? (Takes candy from Pam's desk)
Dwight Schrute: Everything is fine. You are in the clear.
Angela Martin: Thank you. (Puts candy back) I... I don't want those.
Michael Scott: Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.
Andy Bernard: Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy Bernard: Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Andy Bernard: Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.
Michael Scott: Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.
Andy Bernard: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael Scott: Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis Vance: We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.
Karen Filippelli: Oh, uh, thanks.
Michael Scott: Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: Pass.
Michael Scott: You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.
Stanley Hudson: ... I'll take the kid.
Ryan Howard: I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."
Michael Scott: So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?
Jim Halpert: Yup. I'll trade.
Jim Halpert: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.
Andy Bernard: Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.
Michael Scott: Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Yup?
Michael Scott: Here ya go. (throws laundry)
Dwight Schrute: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Michael Scott: Please.
Andy Bernard: He does your laundry?
Michael Scott: Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." (To Ryan and Stanley) And you guys are the retired marines. (To Phyllis and Karen) And you guys are the mother and daughter. (To Dwight and Jim) And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen Filippelli: Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael Scott: No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.
Ryan Howard: Is there a prize?
Michael Scott: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis Vance: Then how is this "Amazing Race"?
Michael Scott: It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.
Dwight Schrute: Come on!!
Phyllis Vance: Michael. (Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.)
Michael Scott: Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!
Andy Bernard: Bueno.
Phyllis Vance: Do you have a pole?
Karen Filippelli: Let's go get a broom.
Jim Halpert: Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.
Michael Scott: Here we go.
Andy Bernard: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.
Andy Bernard: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael Scott: Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy Bernard: Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.
Angela Martin: Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?
Pam Beesly: Really?
Angela Martin: Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.
Pam Beesly: Ok. Sure.
Angela Martin: Ok.
Karen Filippelli: Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?
Phyllis Vance: Um-hmmm.
Ryan Howard: Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?
Stanley Hudson: You want the lead?
Ryan Howard: Yeah, if you don't mind.
Stanley Hudson: Mind? Nothing would delight me more.
Dwight Schrute: Leave the keys.
Jim Halpert: You still do that thing?
Dwight Schrute: Leave the keys!
Andy Bernard: I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?
Michael Scott: Hawkman.
Andy Bernard: My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons.
Michael Scott: (Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom) Let's go. The men's room was disgusting.
Jim Halpert: After you sir.
Dwight Schrute: No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Jim Halpert: Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.
Dwight Schrute: Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... (Jim slaps Dwight)
Pam Beesly: Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.
Angela Martin: This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.
Pam Beesly: That's great.
Angela Martin: Yes, it is. (Walks up to the counter where there is no employee) Hello?
Michael Scott: Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?
Buyer: Yep.
Michael Scott: You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.
Andy Bernard: Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.
Michael Scott: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.
Andy Bernard: Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.
Buyer: Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.
Michael Scott: I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy Bernard: Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.
Michael Scott: No.
Andy Bernard: I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.
Michael Scott: Stop it. (Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder) Stop it.
Andy Bernard: Ow.
Andy Bernard: Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Andy Bernard: I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.
Michael Scott: Ah, no. Don't worry about it.
Andy Bernard: I really 'Schruted' it.
Michael Scott: What?
Andy Bernard: 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.
Phyllis Vance: It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, thank you.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, how's Annie?
Kenny: Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?
Julius: Stanley Hudson.
Stanley Hudson: Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?
Julius: Great, great, great.
Guy: Stanley.
Stanley Hudson: So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.
Ryan Howard: Hi.
Stanley Hudson: I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?
Ryan Howard: Um... (To the Buyers) Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
Julius: Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?
Ryan Howard: Oh...
Jim Halpert: We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.
Man: 'Kay. 'Kay.
Dwight Schrute: Can I use your phone?
Man: Yeah, sure, go ahead.
Dwight Schrute: Thanks.
Jim Halpert: Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.
Dwight Schrute: (On Phone) One...
Jim Halpert: We have discount prices on ink cartridges...
Dwight Schrute: Three...
Jim Halpert: And, also, any forms that you are going to need...
Dwight Schrute: Seven...
Jim Halpert: We can custom make them.
Stanley Hudson: Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!
Man: We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
Dwight Schrute: Sure.
Jim Halpert: Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Man: It's very.
Phone: Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.
Dwight Schrute: Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.
Jim Halpert: (Dials cell Phone) And this is Dunder-Mifflin.
Kelly Kapoor: Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . (Jim hangs up)
Dwight Schrute: Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Man: All right, I get it. We got a deal.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Karen Filippelli: Thanks. That was fun.
Phyllis Vance: Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.
Karen Filippelli: Thank you.
Phyllis Vance: I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.
Karen Filippelli: That's nice.
Phyllis Vance: You can pay me back later for the makeover.
Andy Bernard: Hey boss. Got a minute?
Michael Scott: Yes, Andy.
Andy Bernard: I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael Scott: He didn't say.
Andy Bernard: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael Scott: No, you are remembering it wrong.
Michael Scott: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.
Dwight Schrute: I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.
Jim Halpert: Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.
Dwight Schrute: My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.
Jim Halpert: We should go on a double date.
Dwight Schrute: No thank you.
Jan Levinson: Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc."
Michael Scott: I knew it. (Dwight and Jim walk in)
Andy Bernard: Oh, doggie.
Karen Filippelli: Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?
Jim Halpert: Sure. Look at you!
Karen Filippelli: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, we nailed the sale!
Michael Scott: Where were you this morning?
Dwight Schrute: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.
Michael Scott: Why do you lie, liar?
Dwight Schrute: I am not a liar.
Michael Scott: You are lying right now.
Andy Bernard: It sure seems like he is lying.
Dwight Schrute: Stay out of this, you!
Michael Scott: I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.
Dwight Schrute: It's going to be ok.
Angela Martin: How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight Schrute: That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela Martin: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I don't have a lot of choices.
Karen Filippelli: So, let me ask you a question.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Karen Filippelli: Did you ever have a thing for Pam?
Jim Halpert: Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?
Karen Filippelli: I moved here from Connecticut...
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?
Karen Filippelli: 'Kay.
Dwight Schrute: Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .
Andy Bernard: Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp.
Dwight Schrute: I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.
Michael Scott: Good luck.
Ryan Howard: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed.
Angela Martin: Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.
Dwight Schrute: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.
Jim Halpert: Hey man. (Dwight hugs Jim and leaves)
Karen Filippelli: What happened on your sales call?
Andy Bernard: Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... (camera had focused in on Angela watching) Hello? Pretty good.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 12 season 3. Traveling Salesmen is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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