Traveling Salesmen

Vol. 3 · Issue 12The Office · NBCScranton, PA

The sales team pairs up for an "Amazing Race" style day of calls across Scranton. You'll find every line from the episode here, including the debut of Michael's computer friend Harvey and the legendary Jim and Dwight team-up. It's the best place to read the full script and see the moment Dwight decides to quit rather than expose his secret trip to New York for Angela.

Scene 01

25 lines

Michael Scott

Jim, could you come in here please?

Harvey

Hi, Jim.

Jim Halpert

Hello.

Harvey

I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks.

Michael Scott

Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him.

Jim Halpert

Yeah, you can.

Michael Scott

You know what? Get Pam.

Jim Halpert

For this?

Michael Scott

Pam.

Harvey

Pam, you look very hot today.

Jim Halpert

Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend.

Pam Beesly

Great.

Harvey

Me so horny. Me love you long tim.

Michael Scott

Oh, that is gross.

Pam Beesly

Who is 'Long Tim'?

Michael Scott

Damn it.

Harvey

Long time. Me lobe yoy long time.

Jim Halpert

Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he?

Pam Beesly

I would love to meet Long Tim.

Jim Halpert

Yeah. Right?

Pam Beesly

Yeah.

Harvey

You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive.

Jim Halpert

Ok.

Pam Beesly

Ok. Bye Harvey.

Harvey

Boobs.

Scene 02

7 lines

Kevin Malone

Angela.

Angela Martin

What?

Kevin Malone

That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?

Angela Martin

They arrived this morning.

Kevin Malone

Are you sure? It is a big deal.

Angela Martin

Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin?

Kevin Malone

... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.

Scene 03

1 line

Andy Bernard

Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river.

Scene 04

3 lines

Angela Martin

Everything ok? (Takes candy from Pam's desk)

Dwight Schrute

Everything is fine. You are in the clear.

Angela Martin

Thank you. (Puts candy back) I... I don't want those.

Scene 05

15 lines

Michael Scott

Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you.

Andy Bernard

Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael?

Michael Scott

Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.

Andy Bernard

Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott.

Michael Scott

Oh.

Andy Bernard

Ph. D. Doctor of Sales.

Michael Scott

Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you.

Andy Bernard

Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.

Michael Scott

Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.

Phyllis Vance

We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen.

Karen Filippelli

Oh, uh, thanks.

Michael Scott

Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley.

Stanley Hudson

Pass.

Michael Scott

You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody.

Stanley Hudson

... I'll take the kid.

Scene 06

1 line

Ryan Howard

I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."

Scene 07

3 lines

Michael Scott

So that just leaves Dwight and Jim.

Dwight Schrute

Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade?

Jim Halpert

Yup. I'll trade.

Scene 08

1 line

Jim Halpert

Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot.

Scene 09

20 lines

Andy Bernard

Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage.

Michael Scott

Dwight?

Dwight Schrute

Yup?

Michael Scott

Here ya go. (throws laundry)

Dwight Schrute

Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?

Michael Scott

Please.

Andy Bernard

He does your laundry?

Michael Scott

Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." (To Ryan and Stanley) And you guys are the retired marines. (To Phyllis and Karen) And you guys are the mother and daughter. (To Dwight and Jim) And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?

Karen Filippelli

Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins?

Michael Scott

No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back.

Ryan Howard

Is there a prize?

Michael Scott

Just bragging rights.

Phyllis Vance

Then how is this "Amazing Race"?

Michael Scott

It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it.

Dwight Schrute

Come on!!

Phyllis Vance

Michael. (Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.)

Michael Scott

Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos!

Andy Bernard

Bueno.

Phyllis Vance

Do you have a pole?

Karen Filippelli

Let's go get a broom.

Scene 10

2 lines

Jim Halpert

Seriously? You're going to sit in the back?

Dwight Schrute

Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first.

Scene 11

1 line

Michael Scott

Here we go.

Scene 12

1 line

Andy Bernard

In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.

Scene 13

3 lines

Andy Bernard

What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?

Michael Scott

Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.

Andy Bernard

Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder.

Scene 14

5 lines

Angela Martin

Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee?

Pam Beesly

Really?

Angela Martin

Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun.

Pam Beesly

Ok. Sure.

Angela Martin

Ok.

Scene 15

2 lines

Karen Filippelli

Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon?

Phyllis Vance

Um-hmmm.

Scene 16

4 lines

Ryan Howard

Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?

Stanley Hudson

You want the lead?

Ryan Howard

Yeah, if you don't mind.

Stanley Hudson

Mind? Nothing would delight me more.

Scene 17

3 lines

Dwight Schrute

Leave the keys.

Jim Halpert

You still do that thing?

Dwight Schrute

Leave the keys!

Scene 18

2 lines

Andy Bernard

I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know?

Michael Scott

Hawkman.

Scene 19

2 lines

Andy Bernard

My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons.

Michael Scott

(Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom) Let's go. The men's room was disgusting.

Scene 20

4 lines

Jim Halpert

After you sir.

Dwight Schrute

No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.

Jim Halpert

Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front.

Dwight Schrute

Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... (Jim slaps Dwight)

Scene 21

4 lines

Pam Beesly

Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time.

Angela Martin

This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot.

Pam Beesly

That's great.

Angela Martin

Yes, it is. (Walks up to the counter where there is no employee) Hello?

Scene 22

13 lines

Michael Scott

Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack?

Buyer

Yep.

Michael Scott

You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big.

Andy Bernard

Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once.

Michael Scott

You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency.

Andy Bernard

Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.

Buyer

Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.

Michael Scott

I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.

Andy Bernard

Oh, man, that is, like, poetry.

Michael Scott

No.

Andy Bernard

I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree.

Michael Scott

Stop it. (Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder) Stop it.

Andy Bernard

Ow.

Scene 23

2 lines

Andy Bernard

Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper?

Michael Scott

Yes.

Scene 24

6 lines

Andy Bernard

I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up.

Michael Scott

Ah, no. Don't worry about it.

Andy Bernard

I really 'Schruted' it.

Michael Scott

What?

Andy Bernard

'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute?

Michael Scott

I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.

Scene 25

4 lines

Phyllis Vance

It's a big order. Thanks Kenny.

Karen Filippelli

Yeah, thank you.

Phyllis Vance

Hey, how's Annie?

Kenny

Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda?

Scene 26

10 lines

Julius

Stanley Hudson.

Stanley Hudson

Ah, Julius, how's it goin'?

Julius

Great, great, great.

Guy

Stanley.

Stanley Hudson

So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard.

Ryan Howard

Hi.

Stanley Hudson

I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan?

Ryan Howard

Um... (To the Buyers) Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Julius

Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us?

Ryan Howard

Oh...

Scene 27

12 lines

Jim Halpert

We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser.

Man

'Kay. 'Kay.

Dwight Schrute

Can I use your phone?

Man

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Dwight Schrute

Thanks.

Jim Halpert

Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked.

Dwight Schrute

(On Phone) One...

Jim Halpert

We have discount prices on ink cartridges...

Dwight Schrute

Three...

Jim Halpert

And, also, any forms that you are going to need...

Dwight Schrute

Seven...

Jim Halpert

We can custom make them.

Scene 28

1 line

Stanley Hudson

Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old!

Scene 29

13 lines

Man

We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.

Dwight Schrute

Sure.

Jim Halpert

Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?

Man

It's very.

Phone

Please keep holding, your call is very important to us.

Dwight Schrute

Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time.

Jim Halpert

(Dials cell Phone) And this is Dunder-Mifflin.

Kelly Kapoor

Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly.

Jim Halpert

Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.

Kelly Kapoor

Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . (Jim hangs up)

Man

All right, I get it. We got a deal.

Jim Halpert

Thanks.

Scene 30

6 lines

Karen Filippelli

Thanks. That was fun.

Phyllis Vance

Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person.

Karen Filippelli

Thank you.

Phyllis Vance

I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her.

Karen Filippelli

That's nice.

Phyllis Vance

You can pay me back later for the makeover.

Scene 31

6 lines

Andy Bernard

Hey boss. Got a minute?

Michael Scott

Yes, Andy.

Andy Bernard

I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning?

Michael Scott

He didn't say.

Andy Bernard

That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?

Michael Scott

No, you are remembering it wrong.

Scene 32

1 line

Michael Scott

Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.

Scene 33

5 lines

Dwight Schrute

I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent.

Jim Halpert

Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence.

Dwight Schrute

My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys.

Jim Halpert

We should go on a double date.

Dwight Schrute

No thank you.

Scene 34

3 lines

Michael Scott

I knew it. (Dwight and Jim walk in)

Andy Bernard

Oh, doggie.

Scene 35

3 lines

Karen Filippelli

Hey, do you want to grab a coffee?

Jim Halpert

Sure. Look at you!

Karen Filippelli

Yeah.

Scene 36

13 lines

Dwight Schrute

Hey, we nailed the sale!

Michael Scott

Where were you this morning?

Dwight Schrute

I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.

Michael Scott

Why do you lie, liar?

Dwight Schrute

I am not a liar.

Michael Scott

You are lying right now.

Andy Bernard

It sure seems like he is lying.

Dwight Schrute

Stay out of this, you!

Michael Scott

I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing.

Dwight Schrute

Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.

Michael Scott

Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.

Dwight Schrute

That's what she said.

Michael Scott

Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day.

Scene 37

5 lines

Dwight Schrute

It's going to be ok.

Angela Martin

How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.

Dwight Schrute

That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.

Angela Martin

I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.

Dwight Schrute

Well, I don't have a lot of choices.

Scene 38

7 lines

Karen Filippelli

So, let me ask you a question.

Jim Halpert

Ok.

Karen Filippelli

Did you ever have a thing for Pam?

Jim Halpert

Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something?

Karen Filippelli

I moved here from Connecticut...

Jim Halpert

Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay?

Karen Filippelli

'Kay.

Scene 39

1 line

Dwight Schrute

Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... .

Scene 40

1 line

Andy Bernard

Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp.

Scene 41

2 lines

Dwight Schrute

I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this.

Michael Scott

Good luck.

Scene 42

1 line

Ryan Howard

Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed.

Scene 43

1 line

Angela Martin

Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.

Scene 44

1 line

Dwight Schrute

One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.

Scene 45

2 lines

Jim Halpert

Hey man. (Dwight hugs Jim and leaves)

Karen Filippelli

What happened on your sales call?

Scene 46

1 line

Andy Bernard

Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... (camera had focused in on Angela watching) Hello? Pretty good.