Scene 011 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.
Scene 021 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.
Scene 031 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
Scene 041 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.
Scene 051 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
Scene 061 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: (in Staples uniform) I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.
Scene 0711 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (to Ryan) Big Turkey. (cellphone plays "Rockin' Robin")Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is that you singing?Andy BernardOpen quote: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nice job.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you muchly. (cellphone continues playing)Jim HalpertOpen quote: You gonna answer it?Andy BernardOpen quote: I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yikes.Andy BernardOpen quote: Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thank you.Andy BernardOpen quote: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. (sings) Andy and the tuna...
Scene 099 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.Andy BernardOpen quote: The cost of doing business.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman...Andy BernardOpen quote: Was the top salesman...Michael ScottOpen quote: I said 'was'.Andy BernardOpen quote: (chuckles) Addition by subtraction.Michael ScottOpen quote: What does that even mean? That is impossible.Andy BernardOpen quote: Mmmm. Yeah you're right.Michael ScottOpen quote: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.
Scene 106 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: Hey, everyone.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Oh, that's very funny.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (sits at his desk) Hi, Angela.Angela MartinOpen quote: Oscar.
Scene 119 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, boss.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, what's up.Andy BernardOpen quote: Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yep.Andy BernardOpen quote: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't know. Maybe.Andy BernardOpen quote: Well, I will take that as a maybe. (Michael gets up) Where are you going?Michael ScottOpen quote: Bathroom.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.
Scene 121 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: (lurking by the bathroom door) Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss.
Scene 139 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: The one of all women?Angela MartinOpen quote: Yeah.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Because I'm gay?Angela MartinOpen quote: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. (starts to cry) And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thank you. (sniffles)Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Can I join too?Angela MartinOpen quote: Never.
Scene 142 linesStaples GuyOpen quote: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (scoffs) Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.
Scene 1514 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Wow. (walks over to the plant) What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.Andy BernardOpen quote: Feel ya, dawg.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, do you?Andy BernardOpen quote: Absolutely.Michael ScottOpen quote: What did I say?Andy BernardOpen quote: You said... (makes gibberish noises)Michael ScottOpen quote: Huh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, no.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, no.
Scene 161 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.
Scene 176 linesOscar MartinezOpen quote: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Michael --Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.
Scene 184 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Need any help?LadyOpen quote: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.LadyOpen quote: Okay. (moves away)
Scene 191 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. (fake casts off) Whizzzzz. (catches Jim) Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. (Jim gets up) Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!
Scene 207 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So Andy is in rare form today.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Yeah, you should not encourage him.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Fine. Party pooper.
Scene 211 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.
Scene 221 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ("displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed)
Scene 236 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, Ryan?Ryan HowardOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You wanna pull a prank on Andy?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I liked you better when you were the temp.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, me too.
Scene 248 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.Michael ScottOpen quote: Really?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: No. Sorry.
Scene 251 linePhyllis VanceOpen quote: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.
Scene 269 linesParisOpen quote: Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.ParisOpen quote: So um, where were you workin' before this?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Dunder-Mifflin.ParisOpen quote: What kind of company is that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (scoffs) Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.ParisOpen quote: I never heard of 'em.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?ParisOpen quote: You gonna be like that, huh?
Scene 271 lineParisOpen quote: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.
Scene 289 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (singing) In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, good. Stay right here.Andy BernardOpen quote: (after Jim knocks over his pencils) Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (hands Pam Andy's phone) Are there any messages?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nope.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So weird.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (takes the phone) Hmm.
Scene 303 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Andy BernardOpen quote: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.
Scene 314 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Angela?Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh. (hands Pam tape)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Is everything okay?Angela MartinOpen quote: No.
Scene 327 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: What's going on?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What are you talking about?Andy BernardOpen quote: Where is my FREAKING phone?!Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.Andy BernardOpen quote: Maybe you're in the ceiling!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Andy BernardOpen quote: (trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut) I don't trust you, Phyllis!
Scene 335 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.Angela MartinOpen quote: Yes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?Angela MartinOpen quote: None of them. Especially not Andy.
Scene 3410 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.Andy BernardOpen quote: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?Michael ScottOpen quote: Um.Andy BernardOpen quote: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. I don't want to do any of that.Andy BernardOpen quote: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. (Andy's phone rings) Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. (punches a hole in the wall) That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Andy BernardOpen quote: Sure? Okay.
Scene 3518 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (to customer) Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey.Michael ScottOpen quote: What's up?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Same old.Michael ScottOpen quote: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh my God, she told you?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Accepted.Michael ScottOpen quote: How's this place treating you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (scoffs) The boss isn't funny.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, well.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't get to wear my ties.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. I'm sure.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So?Michael ScottOpen quote: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I don't want to do your laundry anymore.Michael ScottOpen quote: We can talk about that. (Dwight high fives Michael) All right.
Scene 363 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (inspecting the hole in the wall) Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I think we broke his brain. (they both snicker)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (imitating Andy) "It's not freakin' funny!"
Scene 379 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Are you enjoying your fiesta?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- (Angela walks away) it's great.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!EveryoneOpen quote: Yay. (scattered appalause)Angela MartinOpen quote: Welcome back.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. (looks around the room) Not bad, huh?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You did this for me? (camera pans to "Welcome Back Oscar" sign)Michael ScottOpen quote: Guilty.
Scene 385 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: Oh... Where did you get this stuff?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Gerty's.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Which aisle?Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I don't remember.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Well, draw me a map, mama.
Scene 392 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I will not.
Scene 403 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So does this remind you of your childhood right now?Oscar MartinezOpen quote: It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's-- thanks so much.
Scene 413 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (sighs) Do you still have feelings for her?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (long pause and then he sighs and nods) Yes.
Scene 422 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? (hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, man. (Kevin starts to put a blindfold on) No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! (beats up pinata)
Scene 431 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
Scene 447 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. (gets out of his car) This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.MarcyOpen quote: Oh, hi. You must be Andy.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!MarcyOpen quote: That's right, it's so good to meet you.Andy BernardOpen quote: It's so good to meet you!MarcyOpen quote: Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.