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Season 3 Episode 13
The Return

Every line from The Office episode "The Return", season 3 episode 13.

Dwight Schrute: I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.
Dwight Schrute: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.
Dwight Schrute: I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.
Dwight Schrute: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.
Dwight Schrute: There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.
Dwight Schrute: (in Staples uniform) I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.
Andy Bernard: (to Ryan) Big Turkey. (cellphone plays "Rockin' Robin")
Jim Halpert: Is that you singing?
Andy Bernard: All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Jim Halpert: Nice job.
Andy Bernard: Thank you muchly. (cellphone continues playing)
Jim Halpert: You gonna answer it?
Andy Bernard: I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.
Jim Halpert: Yikes.
Andy Bernard: Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. (sings) Andy and the tuna...
Jim Halpert: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
Michael Scott: Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.
Andy Bernard: The cost of doing business.
Michael Scott: Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman...
Andy Bernard: Was the top salesman...
Michael Scott: I said 'was'.
Andy Bernard: (chuckles) Addition by subtraction.
Michael Scott: What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Andy Bernard: Mmmm. Yeah you're right.
Michael Scott: But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.
Oscar Martinez: Hey, everyone.
Kevin Malone: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar Martinez: Oh, that's very funny.
Kevin Malone: Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.
Oscar Martinez: (sits at his desk) Hi, Angela.
Angela Martin: Oscar.
Andy Bernard: Hey, boss.
Michael Scott: Hey, what's up.
Andy Bernard: Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Michael Scott: Yep.
Andy Bernard: Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Maybe.
Andy Bernard: Well, I will take that as a maybe. (Michael gets up) Where are you going?
Michael Scott: Bathroom.
Andy Bernard: Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.
Andy Bernard: (lurking by the bathroom door) Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss.
Angela Martin: Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?
Oscar Martinez: The one of all women?
Angela Martin: Yeah.
Oscar Martinez: Because I'm gay?
Angela Martin: No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. (starts to cry) And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.
Oscar Martinez: OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you.
Angela Martin: Thank you. (sniffles)
Kevin Malone: Can I join too?
Angela Martin: Never.
Staples Guy: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.
Michael Scott: Wow. (walks over to the plant) What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Pam Beesly: Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael Scott: Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Pam Beesly: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.
Michael Scott: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.
Andy Bernard: Feel ya, dawg.
Michael Scott: Yeah, do you?
Andy Bernard: Absolutely.
Michael Scott: What did I say?
Andy Bernard: You said... (makes gibberish noises)
Michael Scott: Huh.
Andy Bernard: Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it.
Michael Scott: Oh, no.
Andy Bernard: Oh, no.
Michael Scott: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.
Oscar Martinez: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.
Michael Scott: No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific.
Oscar Martinez: Michael --
Michael Scott: No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar Martinez: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.
Michael Scott: Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.
Dwight Schrute: Need any help?
Lady: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.
Dwight Schrute: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Lady: Okay. (moves away)
Andy Bernard: I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. (fake casts off) Whizzzzz. (catches Jim) Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. (Jim gets up) Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Karen Filippelli: Hey.
Jim Halpert: So Andy is in rare form today.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Jim Halpert: Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.
Karen Filippelli: Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.
Jim Halpert: Fine. Party pooper.
Michael Scott: Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.
Andy Bernard: 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ("displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed)
Jim Halpert: Hey, Ryan?
Ryan Howard: What?
Jim Halpert: You wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan Howard: Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.
Jim Halpert: I liked you better when you were the temp.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, me too.
Michael Scott: Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?
Phyllis Vance: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Michael Scott: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?
Stanley Hudson: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Michael Scott: Really?
Stanley Hudson: No.
Michael Scott: Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
Phyllis Vance: No. Sorry.
Phyllis Vance: Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.
Paris: Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.
Dwight Schrute: I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Paris: So um, where were you workin' before this?
Dwight Schrute: Dunder-Mifflin.
Paris: What kind of company is that?
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
Paris: I never heard of 'em.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Paris: You gonna be like that, huh?
Paris: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.
Andy Bernard: (singing) In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.
Jim Halpert: Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please.
Jim Halpert: Okay, good. Stay right here.
Andy Bernard: (after Jim knocks over his pencils) Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.
Jim Halpert: (hands Pam Andy's phone) Are there any messages?
Pam Beesly: Nope.
Jim Halpert: So weird.
Pam Beesly: (takes the phone) Hmm.
Michael Scott: Nice to have Oscar back.
Angela Martin: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Jim Halpert: No.
Andy Bernard: Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.
Pam Beesly: Angela?
Angela Martin: Oh. (hands Pam tape)
Pam Beesly: Is everything okay?
Angela Martin: No.
Andy Bernard: What's going on?
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard: Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Jim Halpert: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
Andy Bernard: Maybe you're in the ceiling!
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Andy Bernard: (trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut) I don't trust you, Phyllis!
Angela Martin: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.
Michael Scott: Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Angela Martin: Yes.
Michael Scott: Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Angela Martin: None of them. Especially not Andy.
Michael Scott: Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy Bernard: Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Michael Scott: Um.
Andy Bernard: Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.
Michael Scott: No. I don't want to do any of that.
Andy Bernard: Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.
Michael Scott: No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy Bernard: Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. (Andy's phone rings) Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. (punches a hole in the wall) That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Andy Bernard: Sure? Okay.
Dwight Schrute: (to customer) Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael Scott: Hey.
Dwight Schrute: Hey.
Michael Scott: What's up?
Dwight Schrute: Same old.
Michael Scott: Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Dwight Schrute: Oh my God, she told you?
Michael Scott: Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.
Dwight Schrute: Accepted.
Michael Scott: How's this place treating you?
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) The boss isn't funny.
Michael Scott: Oh, well.
Dwight Schrute: I don't get to wear my ties.
Michael Scott: No. I'm sure.
Dwight Schrute: So?
Michael Scott: So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.
Dwight Schrute: I don't want to do your laundry anymore.
Michael Scott: We can talk about that. (Dwight high fives Michael) All right.
Jim Halpert: (inspecting the hole in the wall) Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.
Pam Beesly: I think we broke his brain. (they both snicker)
Jim Halpert: (imitating Andy) "It's not freakin' funny!"
Angela Martin: Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Oscar Martinez: Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- (Angela walks away) it's great.
Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Everyone: Yay. (scattered appalause)
Angela Martin: Welcome back.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. (looks around the room) Not bad, huh?
Dwight Schrute: You did this for me? (camera pans to "Welcome Back Oscar" sign)
Michael Scott: Guilty.
Creed Bratton: Oh... Where did you get this stuff?
Meredith Palmer: Gerty's.
Creed Bratton: Which aisle?
Meredith Palmer: I don't remember.
Creed Bratton: Well, draw me a map, mama.
Michael Scott: Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.
Pam Beesly: No, I will not.
Michael Scott: So does this remind you of your childhood right now?
Oscar Martinez: It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.
Michael Scott: Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's-- thanks so much.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Karen Filippelli: (sighs) Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim Halpert: (long pause and then he sighs and nods) Yes.
Michael Scott: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? (hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man. (Kevin starts to put a blindfold on) No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! (beats up pinata)
Michael Scott: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.
Andy Bernard: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. (gets out of his car) This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.
Marcy: Oh, hi. You must be Andy.
Andy Bernard: Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!
Marcy: That's right, it's so good to meet you.
Andy Bernard: It's so good to meet you!
Marcy: Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?
Andy Bernard: Yeah.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 13 season 3. The Return is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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