Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Return

Vol. 3 · Issue 13Scranton, PA

Michael heads to Staples to bring Dwight back to Dunder Mifflin while Andy Bernard finally snaps over a hidden cell phone. You can find every line from the episode right here, from the Rockin' Robin prank to Oscar's awkward welcome back party. It is the perfect place to grab the best quotes from the day Andy punched a hole in the wall.

Scene 01

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting.

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia.

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me.

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable.

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon.

Scene 06

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(in Staples uniform) I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over.

Scene 07

11 lines
Andy Bernard
(to Ryan) Big Turkey. (cellphone plays "Rockin' Robin")
Jim Halpert
Is that you singing?
Andy Bernard
All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever.
Jim Halpert
Nice job.
Andy Bernard
Thank you muchly. (cellphone continues playing)
Jim Halpert
You gonna answer it?
Andy Bernard
I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring.
Jim Halpert
Yikes.
Andy Bernard
Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. (sings) Andy and the tuna...

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.

Scene 09

9 lines
Michael Scott
Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover.
Andy Bernard
The cost of doing business.
Michael Scott
Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman...
Andy Bernard
Was the top salesman...
Michael Scott
I said 'was'.
Andy Bernard
(chuckles) Addition by subtraction.
Michael Scott
What does that even mean? That is impossible.
Andy Bernard
Mmmm. Yeah you're right.
Michael Scott
But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits.

Scene 10

6 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey, everyone.
Kevin Malone
Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation?
Oscar Martinez
Oh, that's very funny.
Kevin Malone
Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left.
Oscar Martinez
(sits at his desk) Hi, Angela.
Angela Martin
Oscar.

Scene 11

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, boss.
Michael Scott
Hey, what's up.
Andy Bernard
Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right?
Michael Scott
Yep.
Andy Bernard
Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out?
Michael Scott
I don't know. Maybe.
Andy Bernard
Well, I will take that as a maybe. (Michael gets up) Where are you going?
Michael Scott
Bathroom.
Andy Bernard
Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you.

Scene 12

1 line
Andy Bernard
(lurking by the bathroom door) Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss.

Scene 13

9 lines
Angela Martin
Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee?
Oscar Martinez
The one of all women?
Angela Martin
Yeah.
Oscar Martinez
Because I'm gay?
Angela Martin
No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. (starts to cry) And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations.
Oscar Martinez
OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you.
Angela Martin
Thank you. (sniffles)
Kevin Malone
Can I join too?
Angela Martin
Never.

Scene 14

2 lines
Staples Guy
You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.

Scene 15

14 lines
Michael Scott
Wow. (walks over to the plant) What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Pam Beesly
Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael Scott
Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Pam Beesly
Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.
Michael Scott
Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office.
Andy Bernard
Feel ya, dawg.
Michael Scott
Yeah, do you?
Andy Bernard
Absolutely.
Michael Scott
What did I say?
Andy Bernard
You said... (makes gibberish noises)
Michael Scott
Huh.
Andy Bernard
Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it.
Michael Scott
Oh, no.
Andy Bernard
Oh, no.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness.

Scene 17

6 lines
Oscar Martinez
I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.
Michael Scott
No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific.
Oscar Martinez
Michael --
Michael Scott
No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar Martinez
Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe.
Michael Scott
Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.

Scene 18

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Need any help?
Lady
Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.
Dwight Schrute
Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.
Lady
Okay. (moves away)

Scene 19

1 line
Andy Bernard
I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. (fake casts off) Whizzzzz. (catches Jim) Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. (Jim gets up) Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh!

Scene 20

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Karen Filippelli
Hey.
Jim Halpert
So Andy is in rare form today.
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Jim Halpert
Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something.
Karen Filippelli
Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't.
Jim Halpert
Fine. Party pooper.

Scene 21

1 line
Michael Scott
Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep.

Scene 22

1 line
Andy Bernard
185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! ("displays" Jim who looks thoroughly annoyed)

Scene 23

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Ryan?
Ryan Howard
What?
Jim Halpert
You wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Ryan Howard
Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago.
Jim Halpert
I liked you better when you were the temp.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, me too.

Scene 24

8 lines
Michael Scott
Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay?
Phyllis Vance
Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Michael Scott
Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?
Stanley Hudson
Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Michael Scott
Really?
Stanley Hudson
No.
Michael Scott
Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close.
Phyllis Vance
No. Sorry.

Scene 25

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive.

Scene 26

9 lines
Paris
Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell.
Dwight Schrute
I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Paris
So um, where were you workin' before this?
Dwight Schrute
Dunder-Mifflin.
Paris
What kind of company is that?
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
Paris
I never heard of 'em.
Dwight Schrute
Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper?
Paris
You gonna be like that, huh?

Scene 27

1 line
Paris
I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.

Scene 28

9 lines
Andy Bernard
(singing) In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed.
Jim Halpert
Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please.
Jim Halpert
Okay, good. Stay right here.
Andy Bernard
(after Jim knocks over his pencils) Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one.
Jim Halpert
(hands Pam Andy's phone) Are there any messages?
Pam Beesly
Nope.
Jim Halpert
So weird.
Pam Beesly
(takes the phone) Hmm.

Scene 29

2 lines
Michael Scott
Nice to have Oscar back.
Angela Martin
Yeah.

Scene 30

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device?
Jim Halpert
No.
Andy Bernard
Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call.

Scene 31

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Angela?
Angela Martin
Oh. (hands Pam tape)
Pam Beesly
Is everything okay?
Angela Martin
No.

Scene 32

7 lines
Andy Bernard
What's going on?
Jim Halpert
What are you talking about?
Andy Bernard
Where is my FREAKING phone?!
Jim Halpert
You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
Andy Bernard
Maybe you're in the ceiling!
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Andy Bernard
(trying to look in Phyllis's desk, she slams the drawer shut) I don't trust you, Phyllis!

Scene 33

5 lines
Angela Martin
I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.
Michael Scott
Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company.
Angela Martin
Yes.
Michael Scott
Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you?
Angela Martin
None of them. Especially not Andy.

Scene 34

10 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly.
Andy Bernard
Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Michael Scott
Um.
Andy Bernard
Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own.
Michael Scott
No. I don't want to do any of that.
Andy Bernard
Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that.
Michael Scott
No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.
Andy Bernard
Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. (Andy's phone rings) Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. (punches a hole in the wall) That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
Sure? Okay.

Scene 35

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
(to customer) Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you.
Michael Scott
Hey.
Dwight Schrute
Hey.
Michael Scott
What's up?
Dwight Schrute
Same old.
Michael Scott
Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Dwight Schrute
Oh my God, she told you?
Michael Scott
Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize.
Dwight Schrute
Accepted.
Michael Scott
How's this place treating you?
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) The boss isn't funny.
Michael Scott
Oh, well.
Dwight Schrute
I don't get to wear my ties.
Michael Scott
No. I'm sure.
Dwight Schrute
So?
Michael Scott
So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.
Dwight Schrute
I don't want to do your laundry anymore.
Michael Scott
We can talk about that. (Dwight high fives Michael) All right.

Scene 36

3 lines
Jim Halpert
(inspecting the hole in the wall) Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.
Pam Beesly
I think we broke his brain. (they both snicker)
Jim Halpert
(imitating Andy) "It's not freakin' funny!"

Scene 37

9 lines
Angela Martin
Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Oscar Martinez
Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- (Angela walks away) it's great.
Michael Scott
Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute!
Everyone
Yay. (scattered appalause)
Angela Martin
Welcome back.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. (looks around the room) Not bad, huh?
Dwight Schrute
You did this for me? (camera pans to "Welcome Back Oscar" sign)
Michael Scott
Guilty.

Scene 38

5 lines
Creed Bratton
Oh... Where did you get this stuff?
Meredith Palmer
Gerty's.
Creed Bratton
Which aisle?
Meredith Palmer
I don't remember.
Creed Bratton
Well, draw me a map, mama.

Scene 39

2 lines
Michael Scott
Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours.
Pam Beesly
No, I will not.

Scene 40

3 lines
Michael Scott
So does this remind you of your childhood right now?
Oscar Martinez
It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.
Michael Scott
Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's-- thanks so much.

Scene 41

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Karen Filippelli
(sighs) Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim Halpert
(long pause and then he sighs and nods) Yes.

Scene 42

2 lines
Michael Scott
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? (hands broom to Dwight, though Oscar thinks he's handing it to him)
Dwight Schrute
Oh, man. (Kevin starts to put a blindfold on) No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! (beats up pinata)

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm.

Scene 44

7 lines
Andy Bernard
So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. (gets out of his car) This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so.
Marcy
Oh, hi. You must be Andy.
Andy Bernard
Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy!
Marcy
That's right, it's so good to meet you.
Andy Bernard
It's so good to meet you!
Marcy
Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.