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Season 3 Episode 14
Ben Franklin

Every line from The Office episode "Ben Franklin", season 3 episode 14.

Michael Scott: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road---
Dwight Schrute: How do you know it's going to be a boy?
Michael Scott: How, would you stop interrupting please?
Michael Scott: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Michael Scott: Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.
Michael Scott: To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever.
Dwight Schrute: (Shakes head)
Michael Scott: Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Pam Beesly: What?
Michael Scott: We will demonstrate on Pam.
Pam Beesly: No. No. (Leaves)
Michael Scott: Come on.
Michael Scott: (Dwight is wearing a bra) You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Dwight Schrute: Ow.
Michael Scott: Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.
Michael Scott: And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
Michael Scott: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's how you die.
Michael Scott: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Dwight Schrute: I want to do this.
Michael Scott: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Dwight Schrute: Action.
Michael Scott: Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. (Applause) So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.
Jim Halpert: Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
Michael Scott: I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.
Michael Scott: What's up spinsters?
Angela Martin: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael Scott: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.
Karen Filippelli: I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever.
Jim Halpert: Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights.
Pam Beesly: Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.
Todd Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen Filippelli: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.
Todd Packer: Shut up!
Karen Filippelli: Yep.
Todd Packer: Shut it!
Karen Filippelli: That's rude.
Todd Packer: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! (Clutches chest and falls to the floor)
Todd Packer: What happened?
Michael Scott: Oh God-
Todd Packer: Quick somebody help! Help the man! (Pretends to kick Michael)
Michael Scott: No, no, no!
Michael Scott: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
Todd Packer: I have a full day of sales calls.
Michael Scott: You should get out of them.
Todd Packer: (Breaks pencil.)
Michael Scott: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.
Todd Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Michael Scott: I did not order a stripper.
Todd Packer: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Michael Scott: Um, not personally, no.
Todd Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.
Michael Scott: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
Todd Packer: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael Scott: So that's what that means.
Michael Scott: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! (Spanks himself)
Dwight Schrute: Alright! Uh! (Spanks himself)
Michael Scott: Gay.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela Martin: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith Palmer: SHUT UP ANGELA!
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Ugh.
Jim Halpert: Ugh.
Pam Beesly: Everything okay?
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah. Why?
Pam Beesly: Well you seem a little tired.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam Beesly: You should get more sleep.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I know I should.
Pam Beesly: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Jim Halpert: No, I'm sure you're right.
Pam Beesly: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Pam Beesly: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Jim Halpert: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. (Turning towards the vending machine) Oh my God.
Michael Scott: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute: I'm on it.
Michael Scott: Well get on it. And make it happen.
Dwight Schrute: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-
Jim Halpert: Stop. That's disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Jim Halpert: Fine.
Dwight Schrute: I knew you would, Nancy.
Jim Halpert: Sally.
Dwight Schrute: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?
Jim Halpert: Blonde.
Dwight Schrute: Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
Michael Scott: (Giggles.)
Ryan Howard: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Michael Scott: (Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.) Gotcha, oh! (Phone rings.) Yes?
Jim Halpert: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Jim Halpert: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants.
Michael Scott: Squarepants?
Jim Halpert: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants.
Michael Scott: And you think that'd be sexy?
Jim Halpert: Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.
Ben Franklin: Hold the door please!
Michael Scott: Oh.
Ben Franklin: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Oh. Hello!
Ben Franklin: Hello!
Michael Scott: You wearing a thong?
Ben Franklin: What?
Angela Martin: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam Beesly: I think that's champagne.
Angela Martin: (Spits champagne back into her glass)
Michael Scott: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael Scott: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael Scott: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael Scott: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Meredith Palmer: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael Scott: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. (Points to Phyllis)
Jim Halpert: Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hi.
Elizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth: I'm the stripper.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.
Jim Halpert: (Phone rings) Oh God.
Dwight Schrute: (Reading the text message) Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of."
Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.
Karen Filippelli: Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Yes?
Karen Filippelli: Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam Beesly: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.
Michael Scott: Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
Ryan Howard: Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael Scott: No. Yes.
Ryan Howard: Oh gross.
Michael Scott: But I got all the foot off of it.
Pam Beesly: Okay Ben Franklin!
Karen Filippelli: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.
Pam Beesly: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! (Winks at Pam.)
Michael Scott: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight Schrute: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim Halpert: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael Scott: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley Hudson: (Stanley's fork breaks.) Of course.
Karen Filippelli: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?
Pam Beesly: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.
Karen Filippelli: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
Pam Beesly: What do you mean?
Karen Filippelli: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?
Pam Beesly: Oh yeah.
Karen Filippelli: Really?
Pam Beesly: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.
Karen Filippelli: Okay.
Pam Beesly: I'm not into Jim. Yeah.
Karen Filippelli: So um, well good.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Sorry.
Karen Filippelli: What are you sorry about?
Pam Beesly: Um, what?
Karen Filippelli: What are you sorry about?
Pam Beesly: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.
Kevin Malone: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild.
Michael Scott: I call shuffle. Here we go. (Spreads cards out all over the table)
Kevin Malone: Michael.
Michael Scott: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Hi guys!
Michael Scott: Nice outfit.
Elizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here.
Roy Anderson: I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art.
Elizabeth: Hit it. (Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background) So where's the groom?
Michael Scott: He's right there. There he is.
Bob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you.
Michael Scott: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?
Elizabeth: Just sit on down.
Michael Scott: Alright.
Elizabeth: Alright.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Elizabeth: Here we go.
Michael Scott: Here we go. Alright!
Elizabeth: Yeah!
Michael Scott: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elizabeth: Mmm, what's that?
Michael Scott: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Elizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. (Rips off shirt)
Michael Scott: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!
Dwight Schrute: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.
Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.
Dwight Schrute: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.
Elizabeth: Oh I love your poster.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Kevin Malone: (Mouths 'hi' at the stripper)
Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity.
Pam Beesly: I know.
Ben Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam Beesly: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Pam Beesly: Ohhh.
Michael Scott: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.
Ben Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Michael Scott: Really.
Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael Scott: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.
Michael Scott: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Michael Scott: Wow. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight Schrute: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph the 2nd.
Dwight Schrute: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.
Dwight Schrute: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course!
Dwight Schrute: I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.
Jan Levinson: (On speaker phone) Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?
Michael Scott: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.
Jan Levinson: Okay.
Michael Scott: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
Jan Levinson: Uh when, when did, when last night?
Michael Scott: No, today at work.
Jan Levinson: You went to a bachelor party at work?
Michael Scott: Yes. I kind of arranged it.
Kelly Kapoor: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?
Ryan Howard: Kelly don't do this.
Kelly Kapoor: Do what? I just asked you a question.
Ryan Howard: You know what you're doing.
Kelly Kapoor: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.
Jim Halpert: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Ryan Howard: Ok.
Elizabeth: Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
Pam Beesly: Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Elizabeth: You could strip you know.
Pam Beesly: Thanks.
Michael Scott: So you don't want to end our relationship?
Jan Levinson: I'm closer to firing you.
Michael Scott: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
Jan Levinson: I'll talk to you later.
Michael Scott: You are. You are.
Michael Scott: So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.
Dwight Schrute: Are you near sighted or far sighted?
Ben Franklin: Both. That's why I invented the bifocal.
Dwight Schrute: GAH!!!

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 3. Ben Franklin is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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