Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Ben Franklin

Vol. 3 · Issue 14Scranton, PA

Michael decides to throw Phyllis and Bob Vance a pre-wedding bash, but hiring a historical impersonator and a stripper leads to some of the show's most uncomfortable moments. Every line from the episode is listed here, so you won't miss any of Michael's "prima nocta" jokes or Dwight's weird interrogation of a founding father's knickers. It's also the best spot to follow the awkward tension between Jim, Pam, and Karen as their love triangle hits another rough patch.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road---
Dwight Schrute
How do you know it's going to be a boy?
Michael Scott
How, would you stop interrupting please?

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to.

Scene 04

2 lines
Michael Scott
To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever.
Dwight Schrute
(Shakes head)

Scene 05

5 lines
Michael Scott
Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra.
Pam Beesly
What?
Michael Scott
We will demonstrate on Pam.
Pam Beesly
No. No. (Leaves)
Michael Scott
Come on.

Scene 06

3 lines
Michael Scott
(Dwight is wearing a bra) You just twist your hand until something breaks.
Dwight Schrute
Ow.
Michael Scott
Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam.

Scene 07

8 lines
Michael Scott
And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight Schrute
What if he's a murderer?
Michael Scott
He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe that's how you die.
Michael Scott
You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Dwight Schrute
I want to do this.
Michael Scott
Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Dwight Schrute
Action.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. (Applause) So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta.

Scene 09

1 line
Jim Halpert
Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat.

Scene 12

3 lines
Michael Scott
What's up spinsters?
Angela Martin
Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael Scott
No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.

Scene 13

1 line
Karen Filippelli
I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever.

Scene 14

1 line
Jim Halpert
Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights.

Scene 15

1 line
Pam Beesly
Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck.

Scene 16

12 lines
Todd Packer
Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen Filippelli
Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.
Todd Packer
Shut up!
Karen Filippelli
Yep.
Todd Packer
Shut it!
Karen Filippelli
That's rude.
Todd Packer
Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
Michael Scott
Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! (Clutches chest and falls to the floor)
Todd Packer
What happened?
Michael Scott
Oh God-
Todd Packer
Quick somebody help! Help the man! (Pretends to kick Michael)
Michael Scott
No, no, no!

Scene 17

13 lines
Michael Scott
I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
Todd Packer
I have a full day of sales calls.
Michael Scott
You should get out of them.
Todd Packer
(Breaks pencil.)
Michael Scott
It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.
Todd Packer
And what kind of stripper did you get?
Michael Scott
I did not order a stripper.
Todd Packer
You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Michael Scott
Um, not personally, no.
Todd Packer
Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.
Michael Scott
I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
Todd Packer
Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael Scott
So that's what that means.

Scene 18

7 lines
Michael Scott
Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! (Spanks himself)
Dwight Schrute
Alright! Uh! (Spanks himself)
Michael Scott
Gay.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela Martin
Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith Palmer
SHUT UP ANGELA!

Scene 19

17 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Ugh.
Jim Halpert
Ugh.
Pam Beesly
Everything okay?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah. Why?
Pam Beesly
Well you seem a little tired.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam Beesly
You should get more sleep.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I know I should.
Pam Beesly
Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Jim Halpert
No, I'm sure you're right.
Pam Beesly
When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Pam Beesly
Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Jim Halpert
Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. (Turning towards the vending machine) Oh my God.

Scene 20

4 lines
Michael Scott
Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Jim Halpert
Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute
I'm on it.
Michael Scott
Well get on it. And make it happen.

Scene 21

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-
Jim Halpert
Stop. That's disgusting.
Dwight Schrute
Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Jim Halpert
Fine.
Dwight Schrute
I knew you would, Nancy.
Jim Halpert
Sally.
Dwight Schrute
No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?
Jim Halpert
Blonde.
Dwight Schrute
Nice. Do you have any blonde women?

Scene 22

9 lines
Michael Scott
(Giggles.)
Ryan Howard
He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Michael Scott
(Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.) Gotcha, oh! (Phone rings.) Yes?
Jim Halpert
Are you okay?
Michael Scott
I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Jim Halpert
Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants.
Michael Scott
Squarepants?
Jim Halpert
Yep, Spongebob Squarepants.
Michael Scott
And you think that'd be sexy?

Scene 23

1 line
Jim Halpert
Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania.

Scene 24

7 lines
Ben Franklin
Hold the door please!
Michael Scott
Oh.
Ben Franklin
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Oh. Hello!
Ben Franklin
Hello!
Michael Scott
You wearing a thong?
Ben Franklin
What?

Scene 25

14 lines
Angela Martin
Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam Beesly
I think that's champagne.
Angela Martin
(Spits champagne back into her glass)
Michael Scott
Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben Franklin
Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott
Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin
Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael Scott
He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin
Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael Scott
Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben Franklin
Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael Scott
And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Meredith Palmer
Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael Scott
Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. (Points to Phyllis)

Scene 26

11 lines
Jim Halpert
Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hi.
Elizabeth
I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth
I'm the stripper.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.
Jim Halpert
(Phone rings) Oh God.
Dwight Schrute
(Reading the text message) Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of."

Scene 27

7 lines
Ben Franklin
It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.
Karen Filippelli
Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin
Yes?
Karen Filippelli
Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin
I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam Beesly
But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
Ben Franklin
Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.

Scene 28

5 lines
Michael Scott
Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors.
Ryan Howard
Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael Scott
No. Yes.
Ryan Howard
Oh gross.
Michael Scott
But I got all the foot off of it.

Scene 29

5 lines
Pam Beesly
Okay Ben Franklin!
Karen Filippelli
Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
Ben Franklin
Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.
Pam Beesly
Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Ben Franklin
Well, you're very saucy! (Winks at Pam.)

Scene 30

5 lines
Michael Scott
Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight Schrute
I do! I want some man meat!
Jim Halpert
Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael Scott
Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley Hudson
(Stanley's fork breaks.) Of course.

Scene 31

16 lines
Karen Filippelli
So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?
Pam Beesly
Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.
Karen Filippelli
Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
Pam Beesly
What do you mean?
Karen Filippelli
Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?
Pam Beesly
Oh yeah.
Karen Filippelli
Really?
Pam Beesly
Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.
Karen Filippelli
Okay.
Pam Beesly
I'm not into Jim. Yeah.
Karen Filippelli
So um, well good.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Sorry.
Karen Filippelli
What are you sorry about?
Pam Beesly
Um, what?
Karen Filippelli
What are you sorry about?
Pam Beesly
Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.

Scene 32

7 lines
Kevin Malone
Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild.
Michael Scott
I call shuffle. Here we go. (Spreads cards out all over the table)
Kevin Malone
Michael.
Michael Scott
Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Elizabeth
Hi guys!
Michael Scott
Nice outfit.
Elizabeth
I hear there's an important meeting here.

Scene 33

1 line
Roy Anderson
I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art.

Scene 34

16 lines
Elizabeth
Hit it. (Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background) So where's the groom?
Michael Scott
He's right there. There he is.
Bob Vance
Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you.
Michael Scott
Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?
Elizabeth
Just sit on down.
Michael Scott
Alright.
Elizabeth
Alright.
Michael Scott
Okay.
Elizabeth
Here we go.
Michael Scott
Here we go. Alright!
Elizabeth
Yeah!
Michael Scott
Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elizabeth
Mmm, what's that?
Michael Scott
You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Elizabeth
I bet she'd be jealous. (Rips off shirt)
Michael Scott
Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!

Scene 35

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.
Elizabeth
You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.
Dwight Schrute
We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.
Elizabeth
Oh I love your poster.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Kevin Malone
(Mouths 'hi' at the stripper)

Scene 36

6 lines
Ben Franklin
You know I invented electricity.
Pam Beesly
I know.
Ben Franklin
Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam Beesly
Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin
Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Pam Beesly
Ohhh.

Scene 37

5 lines
Michael Scott
On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.
Ben Franklin
You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Michael Scott
Really.
Ben Franklin
But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael Scott
Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.

Scene 38

3 lines
Michael Scott
Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth
Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Michael Scott
Wow. Thank you.

Scene 39

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin
Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight Schrute
Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin
Joseph the 2nd.
Dwight Schrute
Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin
Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.
Dwight Schrute
Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin
Why the tyrant King George, of course!

Scene 40

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Scene 41

8 lines
Jan Levinson
(On speaker phone) Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?
Michael Scott
Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.
Jan Levinson
Okay.
Michael Scott
I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
Jan Levinson
Uh when, when did, when last night?
Michael Scott
No, today at work.
Jan Levinson
You went to a bachelor party at work?
Michael Scott
Yes. I kind of arranged it.

Scene 42

8 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?
Ryan Howard
Kelly don't do this.
Kelly Kapoor
Do what? I just asked you a question.
Ryan Howard
You know what you're doing.
Kelly Kapoor
Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.
Jim Halpert
Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Ryan Howard
Ok.

Scene 43

4 lines
Elizabeth
Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here.
Pam Beesly
Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time.
Elizabeth
You could strip you know.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.

Scene 44

5 lines
Michael Scott
So you don't want to end our relationship?
Jan Levinson
I'm closer to firing you.
Michael Scott
That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
Jan Levinson
I'll talk to you later.
Michael Scott
You are. You are.

Scene 45

1 line
Michael Scott
So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't.

Scene 46

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Are you near sighted or far sighted?
Ben Franklin
Both. That's why I invented the bifocal.
Dwight Schrute
GAH!!!