Every line from The Office episode "Ben Franklin", season 3 episode 14.
Michael Scott: Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road---
Dwight Schrute: How do you know it's going to be a boy?
Michael Scott: How, would you stop interrupting please?
Michael Scott: And remember no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
Michael Scott: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's how you die.
Michael Scott: You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no?
Dwight Schrute: I want to do this.
Michael Scott: Okay. From the top. Ready? Three-
Michael Scott: What's up spinsters?
Angela Martin: Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only.
Michael Scott: No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys.
Todd Packer: Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer.
Karen Filippelli: Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend.
Karen Filippelli: That's rude.
Todd Packer: Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight!
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! (Clutches chest and falls to the floor)
Todd Packer: What happened?
Todd Packer: Quick somebody help! Help the man! (Pretends to kick Michael)
Michael Scott: No, no, no!
Michael Scott: I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man.
Todd Packer: I have a full day of sales calls.
Michael Scott: You should get out of them.
Todd Packer: (Breaks pencil.)
Michael Scott: It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious.
Todd Packer: And what kind of stripper did you get?
Michael Scott: I did not order a stripper.
Todd Packer: You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party?
Michael Scott: Um, not personally, no.
Todd Packer: Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard.
Michael Scott: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment.
Todd Packer: Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal.
Michael Scott: So that's what that means.
Michael Scott: Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! (Spanks himself)
Dwight Schrute: Alright! Uh! (Spanks himself)
Michael Scott: Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies.
Angela Martin: Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office.
Meredith Palmer: SHUT UP ANGELA!
Pam Beesly: Everything okay?
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah. Why?
Pam Beesly: Well you seem a little tired.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking.
Pam Beesly: You should get more sleep.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I know I should.
Pam Beesly: Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep.
Jim Halpert: No, I'm sure you're right.
Pam Beesly: When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference.
Pam Beesly: Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not.
Jim Halpert: Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. (Turning towards the vending machine) Oh my God.
Michael Scott: Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute: I'm on it.
Michael Scott: Well get on it. And make it happen.
Dwight Schrute: Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want-
Jim Halpert: Stop. That's disgusting.
Dwight Schrute: Leave me alone and get the male stripper.
Dwight Schrute: I knew you would, Nancy.
Dwight Schrute: No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette?
Dwight Schrute: Nice. Do you have any blonde women?
Michael Scott: (Giggles.)
Ryan Howard: He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling.
Michael Scott: (Pokes Ryan with a sex toy.) Gotcha, oh! (Phone rings.) Yes?
Jim Halpert: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: I'm in the, I'm in the sex shop.
Jim Halpert: Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants.
Michael Scott: Squarepants?
Jim Halpert: Yep, Spongebob Squarepants.
Michael Scott: And you think that'd be sexy?
Angela Martin: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam Beesly: I think that's champagne.
Angela Martin: (Spits champagne back into her glass)
Michael Scott: Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Half pants, right Mr. Franklin?
Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael Scott: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael Scott: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael Scott: And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow.
Meredith Palmer: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael Scott: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. (Points to Phyllis)
Jim Halpert: Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth: I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth: I'm the stripper.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such.
Jim Halpert: (Phone rings) Oh God.
Dwight Schrute: (Reading the text message) Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of."
Ben Franklin: It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight.
Karen Filippelli: Mr. Franklin?
Karen Filippelli: Do you have a girlfriend?
Ben Franklin: I have a lovely wife, Deborah.
Pam Beesly: But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them?
Ben Franklin: Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening.
Pam Beesly: Okay Ben Franklin!
Karen Filippelli: Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth!
Ben Franklin: Well, that is because I am a renaissance man.
Pam Beesly: Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons?
Ben Franklin: Well, you're very saucy! (Winks at Pam.)
Michael Scott: Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight Schrute: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim Halpert: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael Scott: Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity.
Stanley Hudson: (Stanley's fork breaks.) Of course.
Karen Filippelli: So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use?
Pam Beesly: Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it.
Karen Filippelli: Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys.
Pam Beesly: What do you mean?
Karen Filippelli: Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him?
Karen Filippelli: Really?
Pam Beesly: Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together.
Pam Beesly: I'm not into Jim. Yeah.
Karen Filippelli: So um, well good.
Karen Filippelli: What are you sorry about?
Karen Filippelli: What are you sorry about?
Pam Beesly: Nothing. I was just thinking of something else.
Kevin Malone: Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild.
Michael Scott: I call shuffle. Here we go. (Spreads cards out all over the table)
Michael Scott: Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth.
Michael Scott: Nice outfit.
Elizabeth: I hear there's an important meeting here.
Elizabeth: Hit it. (Feel Like Makin' Love plays in background) So where's the groom?
Michael Scott: He's right there. There he is.
Bob Vance: Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you.
Michael Scott: Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I?
Elizabeth: Just sit on down.
Michael Scott: Here we go. Alright!
Michael Scott: Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide.
Elizabeth: Mmm, what's that?
Michael Scott: You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so...
Elizabeth: I bet she'd be jealous. (Rips off shirt)
Michael Scott: Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work!
Dwight Schrute: Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it.
Elizabeth: You want me to answer phones with my clothes on.
Dwight Schrute: We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it.
Elizabeth: Oh I love your poster.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Kevin Malone: (Mouths 'hi' at the stripper)
Ben Franklin: You know I invented electricity.
Ben Franklin: Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam Beesly: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben Franklin: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Michael Scott: On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me.
Ben Franklin: You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son.
Ben Franklin: But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler sex.
Michael Scott: Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag.
Michael Scott: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
Elizabeth: Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.
Michael Scott: Wow. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Care for a piece of chocolate?
Ben Franklin: Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States.
Dwight Schrute: Who is the king of Austria?
Ben Franklin: Joseph the 2nd.
Dwight Schrute: Who is the king of Prussia?
Ben Franklin: Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd.
Dwight Schrute: Who is the king of England?
Ben Franklin: Why the tyrant King George, of course!
Jan Levinson: (On speaker phone) Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay?
Michael Scott: Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will.
Michael Scott: I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand.
Jan Levinson: Uh when, when did, when last night?
Michael Scott: No, today at work.
Jan Levinson: You went to a bachelor party at work?
Michael Scott: Yes. I kind of arranged it.
Kelly Kapoor: Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot?
Ryan Howard: Kelly don't do this.
Kelly Kapoor: Do what? I just asked you a question.
Ryan Howard: You know what you're doing.
Kelly Kapoor: Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.
Jim Halpert: Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever.
Michael Scott: So you don't want to end our relationship?
Jan Levinson: I'm closer to firing you.
Michael Scott: That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that?
Jan Levinson: I'll talk to you later.
Michael Scott: You are. You are.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 14 season 3. Ben Franklin is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.