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Season 3 Episode 15
Phyllis' Wedding

Every line from The Office episode "Phyllis' Wedding", season 3 episode 15.

Jim Halpert: Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. (Windows reboot sound) Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight Schrute: What do you think?
Jim Halpert: In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment.
Jim Halpert: (Windows reboot sound) Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Jim Halpert: (Windows reboot sound) Altoid?
Dwight Schrute: Sure
Jim Halpert: (Windows reboot sound) Mint Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Inbwit? Yes.
Dwight Schrute: (Windows reboot sound) (Dwight holds out his hand, sighs)
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: I...
Jim Halpert: What?
Dwight Schrute: I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. (nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise)
Michael Scott: Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?
Photographer: Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.
Michael Scott: Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.
Phyllis Vance: Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.
Pam Beesly: Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'.
Jim Halpert: So what's in the box?
Stanley Hudson: A toaster, you?
Karen Filippelli: A toaster.
Stanley Hudson: Unbelievable.
Dwight Schrute: Hello, Angela.
Angela Martin: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Angela Martin: Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!
Dwight Schrute: The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.
Jim Halpert: Those flowers are nice.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah. P and R?
Jim Halpert: Phyllis and Robert.
Karen Filippelli: Ah, of course.
Pam Beesly: Also, Pam and Roy.
Michael Scott: There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Phyllis Vance: Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.
Michael Scott: How you doin'? You excited.
Phyllis Vance: Yes, very.
Michael Scott: Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?
Phyllis Vance: No.
Michael Scott: You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous...
Phyllis Vance: That wasn't me.
Michael Scott: Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Phyllis Vance: I thought it was...
Michael Scott: Here, let me...
Phyllis Vance: Michael... No.
Michael Scott: Just cover up that bald patch.
Phyllis Vance: I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Michael Scott: You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
Michael Scott: (in video of Michael as a kid) I hate you!
Michael Scott: Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.
Dwight Schrute: Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?
Jim Halpert: You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
Dwight Schrute: No way.
Jim Halpert: Did you ever see that movie?
Dwight Schrute: Of course I saw it.
Dwight Schrute: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.
Jim Halpert: You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out.
Dwight Schrute: Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.
Kevin Malone: (to Toby's date) Hi. I'm Kevin. (to Toby) Where did you find her?
Toby Flenderson: At the gym.
Kevin Malone: Riiight. The gym. (snickers)
Kelly Kapoor: Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
Meredith Palmer: I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
Kelly Kapoor: I know but there was an emergency.
Kelly Kapoor: I look really good in white.
Michael Scott: This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.
Pam Beesly: That's my dress.
Michael Scott: (whispers to father) That's ok. (Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking)
Dwight Schrute: It's a miracle.
Crowd: (generalized clapping)
Michael Scott: This is bull****!
Michael Scott: Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.
Michael Scott: I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.
Priest: And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis Vance: I do.
Michael Scott: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Priest: And do you, Bob...
Michael Scott: Oh, shiii...
Priest: ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife
Bob Vance: I do.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Michael Scott: Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. (generalized clapping and cheering) Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
Angela Martin: Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning.
Phyllis Vance: Thanks Angela.
Michael Scott: Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael Scott: Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. (to Albert) Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.
Dwight Schrute: Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.
Phyllis Vance: I don't have that, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Dammit, Phyllis!
Kelly Kapoor: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam Beesly: What do you mean?
Kelly Kapoor: Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam Beesly: Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine
Kelly Kapoor: There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam Beesly: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks
Dwight Schrute: 'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?
Uncle Al: Who?
Dwight Schrute: The bride and groom? What are their names?
Uncle Al: Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure.
Dwight Schrute: Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on.
Uncle Al: Okay, Okay. Where are we going?
Dwight Schrute: Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.
Uncle Al: Oh!
Michael Scott: Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Phyllis Vance: It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.
Michael Scott: I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis Vance: It's fish.
Michael Scott: I will take care of that.
Michael Scott: I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.
Kevin Malone: No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.
Kevin Malone: Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. (sings) Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light.
Roy Anderson: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Roy Anderson: I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.
Pam Beesly: You're kidding me, right?
Roy Anderson: I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.
Pam Beesly: Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
Roy Anderson: I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Roy Anderson: Sorry about that.
Pam Beesly: It's okay.
Roy Anderson: You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.
Randy: Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!
Crowd: (cheering and clapping)
Unknown: She is.
Randy: Cheers.
Crowd: Cheers.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige...
Michael Scott: The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.
Michael Scott: Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance...
Bob Vance: Oh okay. That's enough.
Michael Scott: is a guy that...
Bob Vance: Thanks, Michael. Give me...
Michael Scott: he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.
Bob Vance: Give me the microphone.
Michael Scott: No. I'm not going to...
Bob Vance: Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael.
Michael Scott: Ok. All right.
Bob Vance: You're out of here!
Michael Scott: Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey!
Jim Halpert: When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Pam Beesly: Oh... I'm pacing myself.
Jim Halpert: Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
Pam Beesly: No. I'm such a dorky dancer.
Jim Halpert: I know. It's very cute.
Jim Halpert: Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical.
Michael Scott: Come... Come on!
Dwight Schrute: I can't let you in, Michael.
Michael Scott: Dwight, just...
Dwight Schrute: No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.
Michael Scott: Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.
Dwight Schrute: You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
Michael Scott: OK.
Roy Anderson: Hey, they're playing our song.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police.
Roy Anderson: I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?
Michael Scott: (sings) ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.
Roy Anderson: (to Pam) Hey, want to get out of here?
Jim Halpert: Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.
Karen Filippelli: (sings) Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every...
Women: One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! (Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them)
Toby Flenderson: Toby! Yeah!
Michael Scott: I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Uncle Al: Phyllis and you will be great together.
Michael Scott: We are great together. We are a great team.
Uncle Al: The Celtics were a great team.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Uncle Al: Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!
Michael Scott: Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.
Michael Scott: Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Phyllis Vance: You found Uncle Al!
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.
Phyllis Vance: Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're... You're welcome.
Michael Scott: They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
Michael Scott: Be careful. Oh no!! (Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face) Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! (Michael smears cake on his own face)

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