Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Phyllis' Wedding

Vol. 3 · Issue 15Scranton, PA

Michael Scott tries his hardest to make Phyllis' big day all about himself while you read through every single line from the episode. From the cringeworthy "Phlob" speech to Dwight hunting for wedding crashers, you'll find the complete script right here. It’s the perfect way to catch every awkward toast and Scrantonicity lyric from Bob and Phyllis’ special day.

Scene 01

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. (Windows reboot sound) Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid?
Dwight Schrute
What do you think?

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment.

Scene 03

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Windows reboot sound) Dwight, want an Altoid?
Dwight Schrute
Okay.

Scene 04

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Windows reboot sound) Altoid?
Dwight Schrute
Sure

Scene 05

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Windows reboot sound) Mint Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
Inbwit? Yes.

Scene 06

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Windows reboot sound) (Dwight holds out his hand, sighs)
Jim Halpert
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
I...
Jim Halpert
What?
Dwight Schrute
I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. (nasty, dry mouth-smaking noise)

Scene 07

2 lines
Michael Scott
Always the bridesmaids, right ladies?
Photographer
Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride.

Scene 09

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

Scene 10

1 line
Pam Beesly
Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'.

Scene 11

4 lines
Jim Halpert
So what's in the box?
Stanley Hudson
A toaster, you?
Karen Filippelli
A toaster.
Stanley Hudson
Unbelievable.

Scene 12

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hello, Angela.
Angela Martin
Hi, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You look as beautiful as the Queen of England.
Angela Martin
Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left!

Scene 13

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair.

Scene 14

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Those flowers are nice.
Karen Filippelli
Yeah. P and R?
Jim Halpert
Phyllis and Robert.
Karen Filippelli
Ah, of course.

Scene 15

1 line
Pam Beesly
Also, Pam and Roy.

Scene 16

15 lines
Michael Scott
There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin.
Phyllis Vance
Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside.
Michael Scott
How you doin'? You excited.
Phyllis Vance
Yes, very.
Michael Scott
Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight?
Phyllis Vance
No.
Michael Scott
You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous...
Phyllis Vance
That wasn't me.
Michael Scott
Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle?
Phyllis Vance
I thought it was...
Michael Scott
Here, let me...
Phyllis Vance
Michael... No.
Michael Scott
Just cover up that bald patch.
Phyllis Vance
I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 17

3 lines
Michael Scott
You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet.
Michael Scott
(in video of Michael as a kid) I hate you!
Michael Scott
Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'.

Scene 18

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people?
Jim Halpert
You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers.
Dwight Schrute
No way.
Jim Halpert
Did you ever see that movie?
Dwight Schrute
Of course I saw it.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Scene 20

2 lines
Jim Halpert
You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out.
Dwight Schrute
Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift.

Scene 21

3 lines
Kevin Malone
(to Toby's date) Hi. I'm Kevin. (to Toby) Where did you find her?
Toby Flenderson
At the gym.
Kevin Malone
Riiight. The gym. (snickers)

Scene 22

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Could you scoot over? You're on my dress.
Meredith Palmer
I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding.
Kelly Kapoor
I know but there was an emergency.

Scene 23

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
I look really good in white.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it.

Scene 25

5 lines
Pam Beesly
That's my dress.
Michael Scott
(whispers to father) That's ok. (Albert gets out of his wheelchair and starts walking)
Dwight Schrute
It's a miracle.
Crowd
(generalized clapping)
Michael Scott
This is bull****!

Scene 26

1 line
Michael Scott
Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight.

Scene 27

1 line
Michael Scott
I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over.

Scene 28

9 lines
Priest
And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Phyllis Vance
I do.
Michael Scott
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance!
Priest
And do you, Bob...
Michael Scott
Oh, shiii...
Priest
... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife
Bob Vance
I do.
Priest
You may now kiss the bride.
Michael Scott
Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. (generalized clapping and cheering) Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

Scene 29

2 lines
Angela Martin
Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning.
Phyllis Vance
Thanks Angela.

Scene 30

3 lines
Michael Scott
Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance
If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael Scott
Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. (to Albert) Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too.

Scene 31

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers.
Phyllis Vance
I don't have that, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Dammit, Phyllis!

Scene 32

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam Beesly
What do you mean?
Kelly Kapoor
Well... this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam Beesly
Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine
Kelly Kapoor
There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam Beesly
Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks

Scene 33

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple?
Uncle Al
Who?
Dwight Schrute
The bride and groom? What are their names?
Uncle Al
Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure.
Dwight Schrute
Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on.
Uncle Al
Okay, Okay. Where are we going?
Dwight Schrute
Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend.
Uncle Al
Oh!

Scene 34

5 lines
Michael Scott
Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter?
Phyllis Vance
It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet.
Michael Scott
I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back.
Phyllis Vance
It's fish.
Michael Scott
I will take care of that.

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white.

Scene 36

1 line
Kevin Malone
No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding.

Scene 37

1 line
Kevin Malone
Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. (sings) Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light.

Scene 38

11 lines
Roy Anderson
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Roy Anderson
I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste.
Pam Beesly
You're kidding me, right?
Roy Anderson
I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom.
Pam Beesly
Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.
Roy Anderson
I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Roy Anderson
Sorry about that.
Pam Beesly
It's okay.
Roy Anderson
You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.

Scene 39

6 lines
Randy
Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler!
Crowd
(cheering and clapping)
Unknown
She is.
Randy
Cheers.
Crowd
Cheers.
Michael Scott
Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige...

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones.

Scene 41

11 lines
Michael Scott
Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance...
Bob Vance
Oh okay. That's enough.
Michael Scott
is a guy that...
Bob Vance
Thanks, Michael. Give me...
Michael Scott
he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay.
Bob Vance
Give me the microphone.
Michael Scott
No. I'm not going to...
Bob Vance
Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael.
Michael Scott
Ok. All right.
Bob Vance
You're out of here!
Michael Scott
Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you!

Scene 42

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Jim Halpert
When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?
Pam Beesly
Oh... I'm pacing myself.
Jim Halpert
Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.
Pam Beesly
No. I'm such a dorky dancer.
Jim Halpert
I know. It's very cute.

Scene 43

1 line
Jim Halpert
Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical.

Scene 44

7 lines
Michael Scott
Come... Come on!
Dwight Schrute
I can't let you in, Michael.
Michael Scott
Dwight, just...
Dwight Schrute
No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders.
Michael Scott
Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song.
Dwight Schrute
You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
Michael Scott
OK.

Scene 45

3 lines
Roy Anderson
Hey, they're playing our song.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police.
Roy Anderson
I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance?

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
(sings) ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu.

Scene 47

1 line
Roy Anderson
(to Pam) Hey, want to get out of here?

Scene 48

1 line
Jim Halpert
Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen.

Scene 49

1 line
Karen Filippelli
(sings) Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every...

Scene 50

1 line
Women
One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! (Phyllis throws the flowers, Ryan knocks them out of Kelly's hands, Toby's date gets them)

Scene 51

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Toby! Yeah!

Scene 52

7 lines
Michael Scott
I just want Phyllis to have a great day.
Uncle Al
Phyllis and you will be great together.
Michael Scott
We are great together. We are a great team.
Uncle Al
The Celtics were a great team.
Michael Scott
Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon.
Uncle Al
Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know!
Michael Scott
Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head.

Scene 53

5 lines
Michael Scott
Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember.
Phyllis Vance
You found Uncle Al!
Michael Scott
Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo.
Phyllis Vance
Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott
You're... You're welcome.

Scene 54

1 line
Michael Scott
They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.

Scene 55

1 line
Michael Scott
Be careful. Oh no!! (Phyllis and Bob smear cake on each other's face) Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me! (Michael smears cake on his own face)