Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Business School

Vol. 3 · Issue 16Scranton, PA

Michael heads to Ryan's college to give a lecture that involves a lot of candy bars and very few actual business facts. Back at Dunder Mifflin, Dwight turns into a bat hunter while Jim tries to convince Angela he's turning into a vampire. You'll find every line from the episode right here, including Michael's surprisingly moving visit to Pam's art show.

Scene 01

12 lines
Michael Scott
Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?
Kevin Malone
My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.
Michael Scott
Huh?
Kevin Malone
I almost died. I... I went into this skid---
Michael Scott
Pop quiz.
Kevin Malone
...What?
Michael Scott
Why is today a special day?
Kevin Malone
I almost died.
Michael Scott
Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...
Ryan Howard
You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.
Michael Scott
In business school, Kevin. Business school.
Kevin Malone
Wow.

Scene 02

1 line
Ryan Howard
If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid not to do it, right?

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Scene 04

2 lines
Michael Scott
Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?
Dwight Schrute
"Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.

Scene 05

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Scene 06

9 lines
Michael Scott
Will they throw their hats, you think?
Ryan Howard
What?
Michael Scott
A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan Howard
Y-You understand nobody's graduating.
Michael Scott
Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." ... That was a pretty good line.
Ryan Howard
...It doesn't apply.
Michael Scott
I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! (pokes Ryan) Whoa, hey!
Ryan Howard
Quit it!
Michael Scott
We have fun.

Scene 07

4 lines
Roy Anderson
I can't for your art show tonight.
Pam Beesly
Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio.
Roy Anderson
I-I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.

Scene 08

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.

Scene 09

2 lines
Roy Anderson
Love ya.
Pam Beesly
You too.

Scene 10

1 line
Jim Halpert
Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on.

Scene 11

7 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I can't believe you're back together with Roy!
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God. You're so in love now.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, art show!
Pam Beesly
I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.
Kelly Kapoor
...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure.

Scene 12

2 lines
Michael Scott
Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? (runs over, throws frisbee) Whoo!
College Student
....Dude.

Scene 13

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
...Oh my God. Animal stool. (jumps on desk)
Pam Beesly
Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. (opens ceiling tile) Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo--BAT! BAAAT! BAT!
Karen Filippelli
Oh my God!
Dwight Schrute
BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
Stanley Hudson
Goooood bye.
Angela Martin
(on ground) ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me...

Scene 14

3 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
Ryan Howard
...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off...
Michael Scott
I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.

Scene 15

1 line
Dwight Schrute
We have... a bat... in the office.

Scene 16

1 line
Toby Flenderson
The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open.

Scene 17

1 line
Angela Martin
Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!

Scene 18

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay. Thanks. (hangs up phone) Animal control will be here at six.
Dwight Schrute
At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd...
Dwight Schrute
What? What's so wierd?
Jim Halpert
The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... (shrugs) Oh well.

Scene 19

2 lines
Ryan Howard
And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott
Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. (rips pages out of book) You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. (gives book back) I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.

Scene 20

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
(sighs) This is your job, Halpert.
Jim Halpert
Ow!
Karen Filippelli
Oh, what happened?
Jim Halpert
That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot.
Karen Filippelli
But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.
Jim Halpert
What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre.
Dwight Schrute
No... no. One crisis at a time.

Scene 21

1 line
Dwight Schrute
If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a "sylvania." Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... (pulls out a candy bar) a Whatchamacallit (throws bar). Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay (takes out a PayDay, throws it). And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand (throws 100 Grand bar). (pulls out a Snickers) Satisfied?

Scene 23

3 lines
Toby Flenderson
Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.
Pam Beesly
Oh! No, you should go.
Toby Flenderson
Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.

Scene 24

7 lines
Michael Scott
Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.
Ryan Howard
Michael.
Michael Scott
...And products!
Ryan Howard
What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.
Michael Scott
Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
Business Student #1
Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael Scott
We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. (everyone types on their laptops)

Scene 25

4 lines
Karen Filippelli
Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.
Jim Halpert
Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.
Karen Filippelli
What glare?
Jim Halpert
The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding.

Scene 26

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Scene 27

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--
Creed Bratton
Sure.
Dwight Schrute
--to use sudden violence.
Creed Bratton
Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed Bratton
What size?

Scene 28

10 lines
Business Student #2
What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott
...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.
Business Student #2
Has anyone ever come back?
Michael Scott
...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid.
Business Student #3
How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
Michael Scott
Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index?
Business Student #3
...What?
Michael Scott
Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?
Business Student #1
By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.
Michael Scott
...Wait, Ryan said that?

Scene 29

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat.
Creed Bratton
Animals can't feel pain.
Kelly Kapoor
Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight Schrute
Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!
Kelly Kapoor
AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Kevin Malone
(locks bat in break room) I... am a hero!

Scene 30

7 lines
Michael Scott
Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.
Business Student #2
But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott
David will always beat Goliath.
Business Student #1
But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax...
Michael Scott
Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?
Business Student #1
But in the big picture...
Michael Scott
Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. (walks out) SO SUCK ON THAT!

Scene 31

4 lines
Ryan Howard
...It wasn't personal.
Michael Scott
Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
Ryan Howard
Pack my--?
Michael Scott
You heard me, pack your things.

Scene 32

2 lines
Meredith Palmer
I really want to come out!
Creed Bratton
Good night, Mary Beth!

Scene 33

4 lines
Jim Halpert
So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control?
Dwight Schrute
Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.
Jim Halpert
Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Goodbye Jim. And good luck.

Scene 34

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen.

Scene 35

13 lines
Pam Beesly
...And it's all from the same series.
Woman
Oh.
Pam Beesly
Called 'Impressions.'
Woman
Oh.
Pam Beesly
Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.
Woman
Maybe one day.
Pam Beesly
I hope so.
Woman
Mmm.
Pam Beesly
I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. (Woman leaves, Roy enters) Hey, babe, how are you?
Roy Anderson
Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?
Pam Beesly
Hey, Kenny.
Kenny
Hey Pam.
Roy Anderson
How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh?

Scene 36

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! (puts bag over Meredith's head)
Meredith Palmer
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Dwight Schrute
Hold still, woman!
Meredith Palmer
Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
Dwight Schrute
...(captures bat in bag) ... You're welcome.

Scene 37

6 lines
Roy Anderson
It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home.
Roy Anderson
To my place?
Pam Beesly
Maybe, I'm a little tired.
Roy Anderson
Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.

Scene 38

4 lines
Ryan Howard
Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael Scott
Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex.
Ryan Howard
To the annex? Where... Kelly is?
Michael Scott
A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.

Scene 39

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
You're the one who said we needed more culture.
Gil
This is culture to you?
Oscar Martinez
It's her first try.
Gil
Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.
Oscar Martinez
Meaning what?
Gil
Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.
Oscar Martinez
Well, those aren't Pam's strong points.
Gil
Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art.

Scene 40

18 lines
Artist
Thanks for coming.
Michael Scott
Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town.
Pam Beesly
Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott
Wow! You did these... freehand?
Pam Beesly
Yep.
Michael Scott
My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. (sighs) ... How much?
Pam Beesly
What do you mean?
Michael Scott
I don't see a... price.
Pam Beesly
Um... you wanna buy it?
Michael Scott
Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?
Pam Beesly
Uh-huh.
Michael Scott
That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
Pam Beesly
(hugs Michael) ... Thank you.
Michael Scott
What?
Pam Beesly
Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael Scott
...Chunky. Do you want half?
Pam Beesly
No thank you.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera.

Scene 42

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...
Ryan Howard
It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.
Kelly Kapoor
I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't...