Every line from The Office episode "Business School", season 3 episode 16.
Michael Scott: Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?
Kevin Malone: My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.
Kevin Malone: I almost died. I... I went into this skid---
Michael Scott: Why is today a special day?
Kevin Malone: I almost died.
Michael Scott: Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...
Ryan Howard: You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.
Michael Scott: In business school, Kevin. Business school.
Michael Scott: Will they throw their hats, you think?
Michael Scott: A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.
Ryan Howard: Y-You understand nobody's graduating.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." ... That was a pretty good line.
Ryan Howard: ...It doesn't apply.
Michael Scott: I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! (pokes Ryan) Whoa, hey!
Michael Scott: We have fun.
Kelly Kapoor: I can't believe you're back together with Roy!
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God. You're so in love now.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, art show!
Pam Beesly: I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.
Kelly Kapoor: ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure.
Dwight Schrute: ...Oh my God. Animal stool. (jumps on desk)
Pam Beesly: Dwight, what are you doing?
Dwight Schrute: Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. (opens ceiling tile) Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo--BAT! BAAAT! BAT!
Karen Filippelli: Oh my God!
Dwight Schrute: BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!
Stanley Hudson: Goooood bye.
Angela Martin: (on ground) ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me...
Michael Scott: Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.
Ryan Howard: ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off...
Michael Scott: I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Thanks. (hangs up phone) Animal control will be here at six.
Dwight Schrute: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd...
Dwight Schrute: What? What's so wierd?
Jim Halpert: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... (shrugs) Oh well.
Ryan Howard: And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. (rips pages out of book) You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. (gives book back) I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.
Dwight Schrute: (sighs) This is your job, Halpert.
Karen Filippelli: Oh, what happened?
Jim Halpert: That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot.
Karen Filippelli: But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.
Jim Halpert: What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre.
Dwight Schrute: No... no. One crisis at a time.
Michael Scott: So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... (pulls out a candy bar) a Whatchamacallit (throws bar). Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay (takes out a PayDay, throws it). And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand (throws 100 Grand bar). (pulls out a Snickers) Satisfied?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.
Pam Beesly: Oh! No, you should go.
Toby Flenderson: Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.
Michael Scott: Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.
Michael Scott: ...And products!
Ryan Howard: What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.
Michael Scott: Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.
Business Student #1: Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?
Michael Scott: We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. (everyone types on their laptops)
Karen Filippelli: Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.
Jim Halpert: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.
Karen Filippelli: What glare?
Jim Halpert: The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding.
Dwight Schrute: Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--
Dwight Schrute: --to use sudden violence.
Dwight Schrute: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed Bratton: What size?
Business Student #2: What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.
Business Student #2: Has anyone ever come back?
Michael Scott: ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid.
Business Student #3: How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?
Michael Scott: Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index?
Business Student #3: ...What?
Michael Scott: Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here?
Business Student #1: By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.
Michael Scott: ...Wait, Ryan said that?
Kelly Kapoor: What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat.
Creed Bratton: Animals can't feel pain.
Kelly Kapoor: Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!
Dwight Schrute: Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW!
Kelly Kapoor: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!
Kevin Malone: (locks bat in break room) I... am a hero!
Michael Scott: Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay.
Business Student #2: But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain?
Michael Scott: David will always beat Goliath.
Business Student #1: But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax...
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, sex predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school?
Business Student #1: But in the big picture...
Michael Scott: Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. (walks out) SO SUCK ON THAT!
Ryan Howard: ...It wasn't personal.
Michael Scott: Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things.
Michael Scott: You heard me, pack your things.
Jim Halpert: So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control?
Dwight Schrute: Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.
Jim Halpert: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Goodbye Jim. And good luck.
Pam Beesly: ...And it's all from the same series.
Pam Beesly: Called 'Impressions.'
Pam Beesly: Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se.
Pam Beesly: I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. (Woman leaves, Roy enters) Hey, babe, how are you?
Roy Anderson: Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh?
Roy Anderson: How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh?
Dwight Schrute: Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! (puts bag over Meredith's head)
Meredith Palmer: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Dwight Schrute: Hold still, woman!
Meredith Palmer: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!
Dwight Schrute: ...(captures bat in bag) ... You're welcome.
Roy Anderson: It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home.
Roy Anderson: To my place?
Pam Beesly: Maybe, I'm a little tired.
Roy Anderson: Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art.
Ryan Howard: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me.
Michael Scott: Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex.
Ryan Howard: To the annex? Where... Kelly is?
Michael Scott: A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business.
Oscar Martinez: You're the one who said we needed more culture.
Gil: This is culture to you?
Oscar Martinez: It's her first try.
Gil: Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.
Oscar Martinez: Meaning what?
Gil: Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty.
Oscar Martinez: Well, those aren't Pam's strong points.
Gil: Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art.
Artist: Thanks for coming.
Michael Scott: Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town.
Michael Scott: Wow! You did these... freehand?
Michael Scott: My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. (sighs) ... How much?
Pam Beesly: What do you mean?
Michael Scott: I don't see a... price.
Pam Beesly: Um... you wanna buy it?
Michael Scott: Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car?
Michael Scott: That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you.
Pam Beesly: (hugs Michael) ... Thank you.
Pam Beesly: Do you have something in your pocket?
Michael Scott: ...Chunky. Do you want half?
Pam Beesly: No thank you.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...
Ryan Howard: It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited.
Kelly Kapoor: I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't...
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 16 season 3. Business School is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.