Scene 013 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Can you confirm that the straps are tight?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes. But this (pulls at straight jacket) seems to be...Michael ScottOpen quote: And now, the chains.
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.
Scene 0310 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. (Kevin giggles) Can he do it? I don't see how he can.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?Michael ScottOpen quote: I will get out. Oh yes, I will.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?Michael ScottOpen quote: No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. (Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.)Michael ScottOpen quote: AHHHH!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Is everything ok, Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.
Scene 041 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...
Scene 058 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Alright.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (trumpet sounds)Michael ScottOpen quote: Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Another worm? Like, are they friends?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's early bird gets the worm.Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam, would you smell my breath?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, no.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let me smell. (Michael breathes at Dwight) Good, not great.
Scene 061 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: "Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.
Scene 0710 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Jimbo, last chance to carpool.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car.Michael ScottOpen quote: Sure? Might be a good idea.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Thanks.Michael ScottOpen quote: Play some games?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh. Um. I think we're good.Michael ScottOpen quote: I spy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.
Scene 081 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?
Scene 0926 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Thanks for inviting me along.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? (phone rings) Heh-woh you.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael?Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, Buttercup.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Hi.Michael ScottOpen quote: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Let's just blow this party off.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's what she said.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Am I on speaker phone?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh, yes you are.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Is anybody else in the...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hello, Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone.Michael ScottOpen quote: No problem. (doesn't turn off speakerphone)Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Ok. Let's just go to a motel...Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Still on speaker?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ummm... I don't know.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Are camera's there?Michael ScottOpen quote: Maybe.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: See you soon.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Talk to you later, Jan.Michael ScottOpen quote: Alright. Bye.
Scene 104 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come.Roy AndersonOpen quote: I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Ok.
Scene 111 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy.
Scene 1211 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Beauty. Thank you sir!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Salad.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You dressed exactly like the servants.Michael ScottOpen quote: Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wait. I don't think yours will fit me.Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That would have been really embarrassing.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Crisis averted.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.
Scene 134 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, that duck is so cute.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Hey Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey guys.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oscar. Angela.
Scene 151 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.
Scene 165 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh, um, potato salad.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's from both of us.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, it's not.RachelOpen quote: Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here.
Scene 171 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.
Scene 1814 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh my God, when is it?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey. You made it.Roy AndersonOpen quote: You said it was important, so... How's it going?KennyOpen quote: What's up, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis.Roy AndersonOpen quote: You guys, uh, want a round, on me?EveryoneOpen quote: Yeah.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Yeah? Get you a drink.KennyOpen quote: Thanks man.Angela MartinOpen quote: No thank you, Roy.
Scene 191 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
Scene 207 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What are you looking for? You bring dip?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.Michael ScottOpen quote: Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company.Michael ScottOpen quote: Over our love.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I've never told you that I love you.Michael ScottOpen quote: You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all.
Scene 211 lineJan LevinsonOpen quote: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.
Scene 222 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: What's this over the "i"?Michael ScottOpen quote: It's a heart.
Scene 231 lineJan LevinsonOpen quote: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?
Scene 242 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I love this woman!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please.
Scene 253 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?Dan GoreOpen quote: No.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No? Then you are an idiot.
Scene 2610 linesRachelOpen quote: Hello Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So...David WallaceOpen quote: Jan, glad you could make it.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?David WallaceOpen quote: Of course I do.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: From the Scranton Branch.Michael ScottOpen quote: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please.RachelOpen quote: Excuse me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok.
Scene 272 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (looks at beers) Oh. (Starts to walk away, turns around) No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite.BartenderOpen quote: Oh, sorry.
Scene 2822 linesManOpen quote: So did the merger go smoothly, or?Michael ScottOpen quote: It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: We're good. (Michael tries to kiss Jan) Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?RachelOpen quote: Can I get anyone anything, or?Michael ScottOpen quote: I could go for an appeteaser.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Martini please.Michael ScottOpen quote: Bagel bites or something.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Rachel, your house is beautiful.RachelOpen quote: Thank you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What's the square footage?David WallaceOpen quote: About 5,000.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Does that include the garage?Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm just...David WallaceOpen quote: I don't knowDwight SchruteOpen quote: It's a common question.Michael ScottOpen quote: David, how much did this house cost?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.RachelOpen quote: I'll show you around.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Cool, let's start with the banisters.
Scene 296 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yep.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: And it didn't end well.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Gotcha. Alright.
Scene 306 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch.Michael ScottOpen quote: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. (takes sip, coughs violently)Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You ok?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Do you have any ice?David WallaceOpen quote: Sure.Michael ScottOpen quote: How about some Splenda?
Scene 3115 linesRoy AndersonOpen quote: One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here.KennyOpen quote: Where?Roy AndersonOpen quote: On this side.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. (points to Meredith and Kelly's hands)Ryan HowardOpen quote: I think I heard it on Roy's side.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: No, it is here.Ryan HowardOpen quote: (tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands) Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Good thing you didn't listen to me.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah, close one.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's) Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. (Stares at Pam) Not here. (Points at Stanley's hand).KennyOpen quote: YES!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Nice job.Roy AndersonOpen quote: I can read you like a book.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh yeah?Roy AndersonOpen quote: You can't keep anything from me.
Scene 323 linesStudent 1Open quote: Hey Creed.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Hey! What are you guys doing here?Student 2Open quote: You're the man buddy.
Scene 331 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station.
Scene 347 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Huh. (Bangs on wall) Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? (Opens door).RachelOpen quote: Uh, that's a guest room.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Just the one window?RachelOpen quote: (phone rings) Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Are those real pearls?RachelOpen quote: Uh, yes.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (tests smoke detector) Good.
Scene 355 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh. Hadn't noticed.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, it was before I knew you so, its fine.
Scene 3614 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: It's nice.Michael ScottOpen quote: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh.Michael ScottOpen quote: Crazy.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. (kisses Michael)Michael ScottOpen quote: What are you doing?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Don't you know what I'm doing?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Shut up.
Scene 3714 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What has gotten into you?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Come on.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on, let's go back to the party.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Just let me loosen my dress.Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no, means please don't. Please.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Slam me up against the wall, right here.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not going to slam you up against the wall.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh, please.Michael ScottOpen quote: You're acting inappropriate. Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out.
Scene 385 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Here. (hands Pam a duck stuffed animal)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I was...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, don't you have a daughter?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: (takes duck back) Yes.
Scene 395 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?ChildOpen quote: I don't know, it was here when I was born.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?ChildOpen quote: I don't know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What do you know?
Scene 401 lineDavid WallaceOpen quote: God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.
Scene 4111 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? (Karen smiles and gives herself away) Wow. Ok. You got me.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I so got you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: So, none of them?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Hey Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Not too good.
Scene 431 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
Scene 442 linesDavid WallaceOpen quote: What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don't know. Where to begin? My ball.
Scene 451 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
Scene 4616 linesRoy AndersonOpen quote: What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.Roy AndersonOpen quote: That's awesome. That's what I want.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us.Roy AndersonOpen quote: I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.Roy AndersonOpen quote: What?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Jim came on to you?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Just listen.Roy AndersonOpen quote: No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Don't yell!Roy AndersonOpen quote: Don't yell?!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: This is over.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!KennyOpen quote: Damn jet skis!
Scene 4717 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I feel sick.Michael ScottOpen quote: You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Please don't cry.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him.Michael ScottOpen quote: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I didn't mean it. I was...Michael ScottOpen quote: Whatever.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's all, you didn't mean it?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it.Michael ScottOpen quote: I love you, Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Ok.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't break up you guys, you're great together.
Scene 485 linesRoy AndersonOpen quote: Are they going to call the cops?KennyOpen quote: No, I paid them off.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Jet ski money?KennyOpen quote: All of it.Roy AndersonOpen quote: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.