Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Cocktails

Vol. 3 · Issue 17Scranton, PA

Michael and Jan finally go public at David Wallace's house, but things get weird the second she signs that 'love contract.' Every line from the episode is right here, including Dwight's impromptu home inspection and the moment Pam's honesty sends Roy over the edge. You can catch every awkward joke and breakdown from the party and the bar.

Scene 01

3 lines
Michael Scott
Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
Dwight Schrute
Yes. But this (pulls at straight jacket) seems to be...
Michael Scott
And now, the chains.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.

Scene 03

10 lines
Michael Scott
MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. (Kevin giggles) Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
Dwight Schrute
I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.
Michael Scott
No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!
Jim Halpert
Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?
Michael Scott
I will get out. Oh yes, I will.
Pam Beesly
So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?
Michael Scott
No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. (Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.)
Michael Scott
AHHHH!
Kevin Malone
Is everything ok, Michael?
Michael Scott
Yes.

Scene 04

1 line
Michael Scott
I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Scene 05

8 lines
Michael Scott
Alright.
Dwight Schrute
(trumpet sounds)
Michael Scott
Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim Halpert
Another worm? Like, are they friends?
Dwight Schrute
It's early bird gets the worm.
Michael Scott
Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam Beesly
No, no.
Dwight Schrute
Let me smell. (Michael breathes at Dwight) Good, not great.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
"Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.

Scene 07

10 lines
Michael Scott
Jimbo, last chance to carpool.
Jim Halpert
Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car.
Michael Scott
Sure? Might be a good idea.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.
Jim Halpert
Thanks.
Michael Scott
Play some games?
Jim Halpert
Oh. Um. I think we're good.
Michael Scott
I spy?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.

Scene 08

1 line
Jim Halpert
Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?

Scene 09

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
Thanks for inviting me along.
Michael Scott
Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? (phone rings) Heh-woh you.
Jan Levinson
Michael?
Michael Scott
Hey, Buttercup.
Jan Levinson
Hi.
Michael Scott
I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...
Jan Levinson
Let's just blow this party off.
Michael Scott
That's what she said.
Jan Levinson
Am I on speaker phone?
Michael Scott
Uh, yes you are.
Jan Levinson
Is anybody else in the...
Dwight Schrute
Hello, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone.
Michael Scott
No problem. (doesn't turn off speakerphone)
Jan Levinson
Ok. Let's just go to a motel...
Michael Scott
Ok.
Jan Levinson
...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.
Michael Scott
Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I...
Jan Levinson
Still on speaker?
Michael Scott
Ummm... I don't know.
Jan Levinson
Are camera's there?
Michael Scott
Maybe.
Jan Levinson
See you soon.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Talk to you later, Jan.
Michael Scott
Alright. Bye.

Scene 10

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come.
Roy Anderson
I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered.
Pam Beesly
Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.
Roy Anderson
Ok.

Scene 11

1 line
Pam Beesly
I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy.

Scene 12

11 lines
Michael Scott
Beauty. Thank you sir!
Dwight Schrute
Salad.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
You dressed exactly like the servants.
Michael Scott
Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.
Dwight Schrute
Wait. I don't think yours will fit me.
Michael Scott
I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that.
Dwight Schrute
That would have been really embarrassing.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
Crisis averted.
Michael Scott
Ok.

Scene 13

4 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh, that duck is so cute.
Kevin Malone
Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hey guys.
Kevin Malone
Oscar. Angela.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Hi.

Scene 15

1 line
Michael Scott
Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.

Scene 16

5 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, um, potato salad.
Dwight Schrute
It's from both of us.
Michael Scott
No, it's not.
Rachel
Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok.
Michael Scott
Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.

Scene 18

14 lines
Pam Beesly
Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, when is it?
Kevin Malone
It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.
Roy Anderson
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey. You made it.
Roy Anderson
You said it was important, so... How's it going?
Kenny
What's up, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis.
Roy Anderson
You guys, uh, want a round, on me?
Everyone
Yeah.
Roy Anderson
Yeah? Get you a drink.
Kenny
Thanks man.
Angela Martin
No thank you, Roy.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.

Scene 20

7 lines
Michael Scott
What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Jan Levinson
I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.
Michael Scott
Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Jan Levinson
You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company.
Michael Scott
Over our love.
Jan Levinson
I've never told you that I love you.
Michael Scott
You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all.

Scene 21

1 line
Jan Levinson
I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.

Scene 22

2 lines
Jan Levinson
What's this over the "i"?
Michael Scott
It's a heart.

Scene 23

1 line
Jan Levinson
Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?

Scene 24

2 lines
Michael Scott
I love this woman!
Jan Levinson
Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please.

Scene 25

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Dan Gore
No.
Dwight Schrute
No? Then you are an idiot.

Scene 26

10 lines
Rachel
Hello Michael.
Michael Scott
Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So...
David Wallace
Jan, glad you could make it.
Jan Levinson
Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?
David Wallace
Of course I do.
Jan Levinson
From the Scranton Branch.
Michael Scott
Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Jan Levinson
David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please.
Rachel
Excuse me.
Michael Scott
Ok.

Scene 27

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(looks at beers) Oh. (Starts to walk away, turns around) No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite.
Bartender
Oh, sorry.

Scene 28

22 lines
Man
So did the merger go smoothly, or?
Michael Scott
It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them.
Karen Filippelli
I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management.
Michael Scott
Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?
Jan Levinson
We're good. (Michael tries to kiss Jan) Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?
Rachel
Can I get anyone anything, or?
Michael Scott
I could go for an appeteaser.
Jan Levinson
Martini please.
Michael Scott
Bagel bites or something.
Karen Filippelli
Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
What's the square footage?
David Wallace
About 5,000.
Dwight Schrute
Does that include the garage?
Michael Scott
Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.
Dwight Schrute
I'm just...
David Wallace
I don't know
Dwight Schrute
It's a common question.
Michael Scott
David, how much did this house cost?
Dwight Schrute
These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.
Rachel
I'll show you around.
Dwight Schrute
Cool, let's start with the banisters.

Scene 29

6 lines
Karen Filippelli
Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Karen Filippelli
That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date.
Jim Halpert
Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me.
Karen Filippelli
And it didn't end well.
Jim Halpert
Gotcha. Alright.

Scene 30

6 lines
David Wallace
This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch.
Michael Scott
Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. (takes sip, coughs violently)
Jan Levinson
You ok?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Do you have any ice?
David Wallace
Sure.
Michael Scott
How about some Splenda?

Scene 31

15 lines
Roy Anderson
One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here.
Kenny
Where?
Roy Anderson
On this side.
Kevin Malone
No, it is definitely under one of these hands. (points to Meredith and Kelly's hands)
Ryan Howard
I think I heard it on Roy's side.
Kevin Malone
No, it is here.
Ryan Howard
(tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands) Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.
Kevin Malone
Good thing you didn't listen to me.
Ryan Howard
Yeah, close one.
Roy Anderson
(points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's) Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. (Stares at Pam) Not here. (Points at Stanley's hand).
Kenny
YES!
Pam Beesly
Nice job.
Roy Anderson
I can read you like a book.
Pam Beesly
Oh yeah?
Roy Anderson
You can't keep anything from me.

Scene 32

3 lines
Student 1
Hey Creed.
Creed Bratton
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Student 2
You're the man buddy.

Scene 33

1 line
Creed Bratton
I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station.

Scene 34

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Huh. (Bangs on wall) Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? (Opens door).
Rachel
Uh, that's a guest room.
Dwight Schrute
Just the one window?
Rachel
(phone rings) Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me.
Dwight Schrute
Are those real pearls?
Rachel
Uh, yes.
Dwight Schrute
(tests smoke detector) Good.

Scene 35

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care.
Karen Filippelli
Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated.
Jim Halpert
Oh. Hadn't noticed.
Karen Filippelli
Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.
Jim Halpert
No, it was before I knew you so, its fine.

Scene 36

14 lines
Michael Scott
This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
Jan Levinson
It's nice.
Michael Scott
You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.
Jan Levinson
I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.
Michael Scott
Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Michael Scott
Crazy.
Jan Levinson
I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.
Michael Scott
Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?
Jan Levinson
Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. (kisses Michael)
Michael Scott
What are you doing?
Jan Levinson
Don't you know what I'm doing?
Michael Scott
Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.
Jan Levinson
Shut up.

Scene 37

14 lines
Michael Scott
What has gotten into you?
Jan Levinson
Come on.
Michael Scott
No, no, no.
Jan Levinson
What?
Michael Scott
Come on, let's go back to the party.
Jan Levinson
Just let me loosen my dress.
Michael Scott
Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, means please don't. Please.
Jan Levinson
Slam me up against the wall, right here.
Michael Scott
I'm not going to slam you up against the wall.
Jan Levinson
Oh, please.
Michael Scott
You're acting inappropriate. Jan.
Jan Levinson
Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out.

Scene 38

5 lines
Toby Flenderson
Here. (hands Pam a duck stuffed animal)
Pam Beesly
Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
Toby Flenderson
I was...
Pam Beesly
Hey, don't you have a daughter?
Toby Flenderson
(takes duck back) Yes.

Scene 39

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?
Child
I don't know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight Schrute
I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?
Child
I don't know.
Dwight Schrute
What do you know?

Scene 40

1 line
David Wallace
God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.

Scene 41

11 lines
Jim Halpert
You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen Filippelli
Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Jim Halpert
Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? (Karen smiles and gives herself away) Wow. Ok. You got me.
Karen Filippelli
I so got you.
Jim Halpert
So, none of them?
Karen Filippelli
Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Karen Filippelli
Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Karen Filippelli
Hey Jan.
Jan Levinson
Not too good.

Scene 42

1 line
Rachel
Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad?

Scene 43

1 line
Michael Scott
Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.

Scene 44

2 lines
David Wallace
What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael?
Jim Halpert
I don't know. Where to begin? My ball.

Scene 45

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Scene 46

16 lines
Roy Anderson
What?
Pam Beesly
I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Roy Anderson
That's awesome. That's what I want.
Pam Beesly
Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us.
Roy Anderson
I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all.
Pam Beesly
Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
Roy Anderson
What?
Pam Beesly
He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.
Roy Anderson
Jim came on to you?
Pam Beesly
Just listen.
Roy Anderson
No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening!
Pam Beesly
Don't yell!
Roy Anderson
Don't yell?!
Pam Beesly
This is over.
Roy Anderson
Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!
Kenny
Damn jet skis!

Scene 47

17 lines
Michael Scott
Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle...
Jan Levinson
I feel sick.
Michael Scott
You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?
Jan Levinson
No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael Scott
Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Jan Levinson
Please don't cry.
Michael Scott
I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.
Jan Levinson
It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him.
Michael Scott
I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.
Jan Levinson
I didn't mean it. I was...
Michael Scott
Whatever.
Jan Levinson
Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it.
Michael Scott
That's all, you didn't mean it?
Jan Levinson
That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it.
Michael Scott
I love you, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
Don't break up you guys, you're great together.

Scene 48

5 lines
Roy Anderson
Are they going to call the cops?
Kenny
No, I paid them off.
Roy Anderson
Jet ski money?
Kenny
All of it.
Roy Anderson
I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.