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Season 3 Episode 17

Every line from The Office episode "Cocktails", season 3 episode 17.

Michael Scott: Can you confirm that the straps are tight?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. But this (pulls at straight jacket) seems to be...
Michael Scott: And now, the chains.
Michael Scott: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school.
Michael Scott: MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. (Kevin giggles) Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
Dwight Schrute: I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath.
Michael Scott: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE!
Jim Halpert: Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?
Michael Scott: I will get out. Oh yes, I will.
Pam Beesly: So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead?
Michael Scott: No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. (Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.)
Michael Scott: AHHHH!
Kevin Malone: Is everything ok, Michael?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Michael Scott: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...
Michael Scott: Alright.
Dwight Schrute: (trumpet sounds)
Michael Scott: Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim Halpert: Another worm? Like, are they friends?
Dwight Schrute: It's early bird gets the worm.
Michael Scott: Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam Beesly: No, no.
Dwight Schrute: Let me smell. (Michael breathes at Dwight) Good, not great.
Michael Scott: "Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special.
Michael Scott: Jimbo, last chance to carpool.
Jim Halpert: Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car.
Michael Scott: Sure? Might be a good idea.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Michael Scott: Play some games?
Jim Halpert: Oh. Um. I think we're good.
Michael Scott: I spy?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless?
Dwight Schrute: Thanks for inviting me along.
Michael Scott: Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? (phone rings) Heh-woh you.
Jan Levinson: Michael?
Michael Scott: Hey, Buttercup.
Jan Levinson: Hi.
Michael Scott: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15...
Jan Levinson: Let's just blow this party off.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.
Jan Levinson: Am I on speaker phone?
Michael Scott: Uh, yes you are.
Jan Levinson: Is anybody else in the...
Dwight Schrute: Hello, Jan.
Jan Levinson: Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone.
Michael Scott: No problem. (doesn't turn off speakerphone)
Jan Levinson: Ok. Let's just go to a motel...
Michael Scott: Ok.
Jan Levinson: ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.
Michael Scott: Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I...
Jan Levinson: Still on speaker?
Michael Scott: Ummm... I don't know.
Jan Levinson: Are camera's there?
Michael Scott: Maybe.
Jan Levinson: See you soon.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Talk to you later, Jan.
Michael Scott: Alright. Bye.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come.
Roy Anderson: I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered.
Pam Beesly: Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things.
Roy Anderson: Ok.
Pam Beesly: I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy.
Michael Scott: Beauty. Thank you sir!
Dwight Schrute: Salad.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: You dressed exactly like the servants.
Michael Scott: Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me.
Dwight Schrute: Wait. I don't think yours will fit me.
Michael Scott: I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that.
Dwight Schrute: That would have been really embarrassing.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Crisis averted.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Pam Beesly: Oh, that duck is so cute.
Kevin Malone: Hey Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hey guys.
Kevin Malone: Oscar. Angela.
Michael Scott: Hi.
Michael Scott: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend.
Michael Scott: Oh, um, potato salad.
Dwight Schrute: It's from both of us.
Michael Scott: No, it's not.
Rachel: Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok.
Michael Scott: Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here.
Michael Scott: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know.
Pam Beesly: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, when is it?
Kevin Malone: It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.
Roy Anderson: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hey. You made it.
Roy Anderson: You said it was important, so... How's it going?
Kenny: What's up, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis.
Roy Anderson: You guys, uh, want a round, on me?
Everyone: Yeah.
Roy Anderson: Yeah? Get you a drink.
Kenny: Thanks man.
Angela Martin: No thank you, Roy.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.
Michael Scott: What are you looking for? You bring dip?
Jan Levinson: I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR.
Michael Scott: Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too.
Jan Levinson: You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company.
Michael Scott: Over our love.
Jan Levinson: I've never told you that I love you.
Michael Scott: You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all.
Jan Levinson: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.
Jan Levinson: What's this over the "i"?
Michael Scott: It's a heart.
Jan Levinson: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?
Michael Scott: I love this woman!
Jan Levinson: Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please.
Dwight Schrute: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Dan Gore: No.
Dwight Schrute: No? Then you are an idiot.
Rachel: Hello Michael.
Michael Scott: Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So...
David Wallace: Jan, glad you could make it.
Jan Levinson: Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott?
David Wallace: Of course I do.
Jan Levinson: From the Scranton Branch.
Michael Scott: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
Jan Levinson: David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please.
Rachel: Excuse me.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Pam Beesly: (looks at beers) Oh. (Starts to walk away, turns around) No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite.
Bartender: Oh, sorry.
Man: So did the merger go smoothly, or?
Michael Scott: It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them.
Karen Filippelli: I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management.
Michael Scott: Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great?
Jan Levinson: We're good. (Michael tries to kiss Jan) Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok?
Rachel: Can I get anyone anything, or?
Michael Scott: I could go for an appeteaser.
Jan Levinson: Martini please.
Michael Scott: Bagel bites or something.
Karen Filippelli: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: What's the square footage?
David Wallace: About 5,000.
Dwight Schrute: Does that include the garage?
Michael Scott: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.
Dwight Schrute: I'm just...
David Wallace: I don't know
Dwight Schrute: It's a common question.
Michael Scott: David, how much did this house cost?
Dwight Schrute: These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.
Rachel: I'll show you around.
Dwight Schrute: Cool, let's start with the banisters.
Karen Filippelli: Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall?
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Karen Filippelli: That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date.
Jim Halpert: Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me.
Karen Filippelli: And it didn't end well.
Jim Halpert: Gotcha. Alright.
David Wallace: This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch.
Michael Scott: Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. (takes sip, coughs violently)
Jan Levinson: You ok?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Do you have any ice?
David Wallace: Sure.
Michael Scott: How about some Splenda?
Roy Anderson: One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here.
Kenny: Where?
Roy Anderson: On this side.
Kevin Malone: No, it is definitely under one of these hands. (points to Meredith and Kelly's hands)
Ryan Howard: I think I heard it on Roy's side.
Kevin Malone: No, it is here.
Ryan Howard: (tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands) Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here.
Kevin Malone: Good thing you didn't listen to me.
Ryan Howard: Yeah, close one.
Roy Anderson: (points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's) Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. (Stares at Pam) Not here. (Points at Stanley's hand).
Kenny: YES!
Pam Beesly: Nice job.
Roy Anderson: I can read you like a book.
Pam Beesly: Oh yeah?
Roy Anderson: You can't keep anything from me.
Student 1: Hey Creed.
Creed Bratton: Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Student 2: You're the man buddy.
Creed Bratton: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station.
Dwight Schrute: Huh. (Bangs on wall) Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? (Opens door).
Rachel: Uh, that's a guest room.
Dwight Schrute: Just the one window?
Rachel: (phone rings) Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me.
Dwight Schrute: Are those real pearls?
Rachel: Uh, yes.
Dwight Schrute: (tests smoke detector) Good.
Jim Halpert: Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care.
Karen Filippelli: Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Hadn't noticed.
Karen Filippelli: Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable.
Jim Halpert: No, it was before I knew you so, its fine.
Michael Scott: This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out.
Jan Levinson: It's nice.
Michael Scott: You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas.
Jan Levinson: I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.
Michael Scott: Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo.
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Michael Scott: Crazy.
Jan Levinson: I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes.
Michael Scott: Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it?
Jan Levinson: Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. (kisses Michael)
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Jan Levinson: Don't you know what I'm doing?
Michael Scott: Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy.
Jan Levinson: Shut up.
Michael Scott: What has gotten into you?
Jan Levinson: Come on.
Michael Scott: No, no, no.
Jan Levinson: What?
Michael Scott: Come on, let's go back to the party.
Jan Levinson: Just let me loosen my dress.
Michael Scott: Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan.
Jan Levinson: Michael.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, means please don't. Please.
Jan Levinson: Slam me up against the wall, right here.
Michael Scott: I'm not going to slam you up against the wall.
Jan Levinson: Oh, please.
Michael Scott: You're acting inappropriate. Jan.
Jan Levinson: Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out.
Toby Flenderson: Here. (hands Pam a duck stuffed animal)
Pam Beesly: Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you.
Toby Flenderson: I was...
Pam Beesly: Hey, don't you have a daughter?
Toby Flenderson: (takes duck back) Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?
Child: I don't know, it was here when I was born.
Dwight Schrute: I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak?
Child: I don't know.
Dwight Schrute: What do you know?
David Wallace: God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.
Jim Halpert: You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen Filippelli: Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Jim Halpert: Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? (Karen smiles and gives herself away) Wow. Ok. You got me.
Karen Filippelli: I so got you.
Jim Halpert: So, none of them?
Karen Filippelli: Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Karen Filippelli: Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Karen Filippelli: Hey Jan.
Jan Levinson: Not too good.
Rachel: Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad?
Michael Scott: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan.
David Wallace: What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael?
Jim Halpert: I don't know. Where to begin? My ball.
Dwight Schrute: The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.
Roy Anderson: What?
Pam Beesly: I want us to make it. I want a fresh start.
Roy Anderson: That's awesome. That's what I want.
Pam Beesly: Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us.
Roy Anderson: I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all.
Pam Beesly: Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim.
Roy Anderson: What?
Pam Beesly: He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed.
Roy Anderson: Jim came on to you?
Pam Beesly: Just listen.
Roy Anderson: No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening!
Pam Beesly: Don't yell!
Roy Anderson: Don't yell?!
Pam Beesly: This is over.
Roy Anderson: Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God!
Kenny: Damn jet skis!
Michael Scott: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle...
Jan Levinson: I feel sick.
Michael Scott: You didn't have any of the potato salad did you?
Jan Levinson: No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael Scott: Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Jan Levinson: Please don't cry.
Michael Scott: I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces.
Jan Levinson: It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him.
Michael Scott: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling.
Jan Levinson: I didn't mean it. I was...
Michael Scott: Whatever.
Jan Levinson: Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it.
Michael Scott: That's all, you didn't mean it?
Jan Levinson: That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it.
Michael Scott: I love you, Jan.
Jan Levinson: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: Don't break up you guys, you're great together.
Roy Anderson: Are they going to call the cops?
Kenny: No, I paid them off.
Roy Anderson: Jet ski money?
Kenny: All of it.
Roy Anderson: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 17 season 3. Cocktails is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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