Every line from The Office episode "The Negotiation", season 3 episode 18.
Karen Filippelli: So do you want to see it or not?
Jim Halpert: I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds...
Karen Filippelli: Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic.
Jim Halpert: Agoraphobic?
Karen Filippelli: Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely correct.
Kevin Malone: Later, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Kev, have a good weekend.
Karen Filippelli: Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up.
Jim Halpert: Here we go...
Karen Filippelli: ...and we're gonna go to dinner.
Karen Filippelli: And then we're gonna go to the movies.
Jim Halpert: Sounds good.
Roy Anderson: Hey Halpert!
Jim Halpert: Hey... (Roy lunges towards Jim)
Karen Filippelli: (shrieks)
Pam Beesly: Roy don't! (Dwight pepper-sprays Roy)
Roy Anderson: (screams in pain) Ahh God!
Dwight Schrute: Pam, please call security!
Michael Scott: No need for consternation, everything is under control.
Jan Levinson: Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael Scott: It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Jan Levinson: (sigh) Is Toby there?
Toby Flenderson: I'm... here, Jan.
Jan Levinson: Ok, what... what is the situation Toby?
Toby Flenderson: Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
Toby Flenderson: Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his...
Michael Scott: No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.
Jan Levinson: All right, well are you gonna take care of this?
Jan Levinson: What did I tell you about "yeppers?"
Michael Scott: I don't... remember.
Jan Levinson: I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Jim Halpert: Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Um... Got you something.
Dwight Schrute: Don't want it.
Jim Halpert: You don't know what it is.
Dwight Schrute: Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.
Oscar Martinez: Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up.
Kevin Malone: Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
Oscar Martinez: It was crazy.
Angela Martin: You saw it? Describe it please.
Oscar Martinez: Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.
Oscar Martinez: It was insane!
Angela Martin: (flustered) Well... good for Dwight.
Michael Scott: Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.
Michael Scott: Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... (mumbling softly) that maybe you should... (mumbling jibberish)
Jim Halpert: I can't hear you.
Michael Scott: What I'm saying is that, (continues to mumble jibberish)
Jim Halpert: Still nothin'.
Michael Scott: Ok, see what I did?
Michael Scott: By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.
Michael Scott: Ok, let's try another one. Um...
Michael Scott: Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
Jim Halpert: And what happens in this one?
Michael Scott: It's a surprise.
Michael Scott: Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a raise?
Michael Scott: (gets up and begins to walk out of the room)
Jim Halpert: (softly) Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.
Michael Scott: No, what did you say?
Jim Halpert: I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.
Michael Scott: Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...
Dwight Schrute: I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Toby Flenderson: Which is where?
Dwight Schrute: Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.
Toby Flenderson: Thanks Dwight.
Kelly Kapoor: That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
Ryan Howard: I can't imagine what I would have done.
Kelly Kapoor: I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.
Ryan Howard: Well that was funny, that's why.
Kelly Kapoor: Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night...
Kelly Kapoor: ...and you call me, to calm you down...
Ryan Howard: You know what? I didn't---
Toby Flenderson: Can you stop...
Kelly Kapoor: ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.
Toby Flenderson: There's a bunch of people back here, maybe...
Ryan Howard: Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night...
Kelly Kapoor: I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!
Michael Scott: (knock on door) Yeah.
Darryl Philbin: You ready for me?
Michael Scott: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.
Michael Scott: You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room.
Michael Scott: No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room.
Michael Scott: (long pause) I am declining to speak first.
Darryl Philbin: Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now.
Michael Scott: Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now.
Darryl Philbin: Are you wearin' lady clothes?
Darryl Philbin: Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants.
Michael Scott: No, this is a power suit.
Darryl Philbin: That there's a woman's suit.
Michael Scott: (Darryl laughs) I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again.
Darryl Philbin: I'ma call Roy, man.
Michael Scott: Ohh... kay.
Darryl Philbin: This is gonna make him feel better.
Michael Scott: All right.
Darryl Philbin: This is too good.
Michael Scott: Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?
Pam Beesly: Oh my God, that's a woman's suit!
Kevin Malone: You're wearing a woman's suit?
Michael Scott: No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin.
Kevin Malone: Who makes it?
Michael Scott: Uh, (reading the inside of his jacket) MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery.
Phyllis Vance: Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?
Phyllis Vance: Did you see...
Michael Scott: Would you stop it, please?
Jim Halpert: So, none of that tipped you off?
Michael Scott: It's European, OK? It's a European cut.
Pam Beesly: Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
Michael Scott: No, they don't. See? (Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam)
Pam Beesly: (Laughing, covering her mouth)
Michael Scott: Italians don't wear pockets.
Karen Filippelli: Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?
Michael Scott: No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Michael Scott: Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes.
Darryl Philbin: Okay, can you just stand right there? (snaps camera phone picture) I gotta send some e-mails.
Kevin Malone: Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?
Karen Filippelli: I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
Stanley Hudson: You must have been scared out of your mind.
Karen Filippelli: Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared.
Angela Martin: What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story.
Karen Filippelli: Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.
Karen Filippelli: And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
Angela Martin: (flustered) Goodness.
Michael Scott: Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.
Darryl Philbin: Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise.
Michael Scott: (mumbles jibberish)
Darryl Philbin: What? I can't hear you.
Michael Scott: (mumbling softly) That was a very good point.
Darryl Philbin: I can't--- what, Mike? Are you---
Michael Scott: (mumbling softly) You make a very compelling argument.
Pam Beesly: Sorry I almost got you killed.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, that was nuts.
Pam Beesly: He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?
Jim Halpert: No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Pam Beesly: Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now.
Jim Halpert: We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday.
Pam Beesly: Jim... I am really... sorry.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.
Michael Scott: I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Darryl Philbin: Why can't I just... tell you?
Michael Scott: Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. (Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael) No, slide--- slide it, yes.
Darryl Philbin: There you go.
Michael Scott: Oh. (scoffs) Come on. Be serious.
Darryl Philbin: I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want.
Michael Scott: I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much.
Darryl Philbin: Come on, be for real Mike.
Michael Scott: I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.
Darryl Philbin: (laughs) Are you serious? You're earning this?
Michael Scott: Plus perks, yes.
Darryl Philbin: Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. (laughs)
Michael Scott: Fourteen years.
Michael Scott: No, please, please...
Darryl Philbin: Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. (texting on cell phone) Ah. (laughs)
Michael Scott: Ok, let's take 15, again.
Jim Halpert: Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.
Dwight Schrute: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Dwight Schrute: No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle?
Jim Halpert: It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.
Karen Filippelli: Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Jim Halpert: Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?
Karen Filippelli: Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.
Kevin Malone: Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
Michael Scott: Oh, thank you.
Kevin Malone: Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...
Creed Bratton: Here's the $40 you gave me.
Michael Scott: I didn't give you $40.
Creed Bratton: In a way you did.
Darryl Philbin: (on cell phone) Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. (laughing) Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. (hangs up)
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.
Michael Scott: I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
Darryl Philbin: That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss.
Michael Scott: Well what am I supposed to do?
Darryl Philbin: Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Darryl Philbin: Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have.
Michael Scott: (exhales) That's true.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Michael Scott: You know what? I should.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, you should.
Michael Scott: I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
Darryl Philbin: Fourteen years long.
Michael Scott: You know what? I deserve a bump.
Darryl Philbin: Make it happen, cap'in.
Michael Scott: I am makin' it happen, sergeant.
Jan Levinson: Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?
Michael Scott: No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today.
Jan Levinson: Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?
Michael Scott: Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away.
Jan Levinson: Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Michael Scott: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan Levinson: Da--- Darryl from the warehouse?
Jan Levinson: No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby.
Michael Scott: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Jan Levinson: Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...
Michael Scott: (talking over Jan) No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.
Jan Levinson: ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.
Michael Scott: (sighs) Fine.
Kelly Kapoor: You are so mean.
Ryan Howard: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelly Kapoor: Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan Howard: No, I said your idea was stupid.
Michael Scott: Toby, come on. Let's go.
Michael Scott: Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.
Kelly Kapoor: What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Toby Flenderson: Alright.
Kelly Kapoor: Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan Howard: Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, so I'm crazy now?
Darryl Philbin: Comfortable, Mike?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Fine.
Darryl Philbin: How about you, man. Comfortable?
Michael Scott: (imitating Chris Tucker) Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way.
Darryl Philbin: Thank you.
Darryl Philbin: I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Michael Scott: Mm, the Big Apple.
Darryl Philbin: Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
Toby Flenderson: How would we get home?
Darryl Philbin: Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place.
Michael Scott: Maybe I'll stay.
Darryl Philbin: Mm, it's not that big.
Darryl Philbin: Busses, though. They get you home quick.
Michael Scott: (mouth full of pretzels) Oh, I...
Kelly Kapoor: And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!"
Angela Martin: Then what'd he do? (Kelly's phone rings)
Kelly Kapoor: You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. (answering phone) Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams...
Hunter: Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.
Darryl Philbin: Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Michael Scott: Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.
Darryl Philbin: Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me
Michael Scott: All right.
Roy Anderson: (to Jim) Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. (Jim motions "Don't worry about it") (Roy receives his check from Angela) Thanks. (to Pam) Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?
Pam Beesly: I don't know.
Roy Anderson: Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. (Pam nods, meekly)
Kevin Malone: (as Roy is walking out) Jim--- Roy--- Look out!
Jim Halpert: Thanks, Kev. I'm good though.
Jan Levinson: Thank you, Hunter. (to Michael and Toby) Hello. Come in. (exhales) Ah, Okay.
Michael Scott: Who's the boy toy?
Jan Levinson: That's my new assistant.
Michael Scott: Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Jan Levinson: I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Michael Scott: Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Toby Flenderson: Hi, Jan.
Jan Levinson: Hi, Toby. (clears throat) First--- (Michael clears his throat) First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Michael Scott: Pippity poppity.
Jan Levinson: Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Michael Scott: Six percent? After all we've been through?
Michael Scott: I got you... jade earrings.
Michael Scott: No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. (Toby begins to write) (to Toby) What are you writing, perv-ball?
Toby Flenderson: Just preparing for the deposition.
Roy Anderson: I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong.
Pam Beesly: I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices.
Roy Anderson: So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?
Pam Beesly: Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend.
Roy Anderson: Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy.
Pam Beesly: No, there were a lot of reasons.
Roy Anderson: But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? (Pam meekly shakes her head) I don't get you Pam.
Dwight Schrute: What's this?
Jim Halpert: What's what?
Dwight Schrute: Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute"
Jim Halpert: Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor.
Dwight Schrute: Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Jim Halpert: (under his breath) Didn't think you'd notice...
Michael Scott: Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!
Jan Levinson: Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.
Michael Scott: Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.
Jan Levinson: Ok, Toby, how about if you...
Jan Levinson: What's wrong with you?
Michael Scott: Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I---
Jan Levinson: Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Michael Scott: Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---
Jan Levinson: No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Michael Scott: Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.
Jan Levinson: No. But we can offer you 12.
Michael Scott: But you just said 15.
Angela Martin: Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Angela Martin: Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.
Dwight Schrute: Mm, good stuff.
Angela Martin: Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together.
Dwight Schrute: Sounds... fun. (they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 18 season 3. The Negotiation is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.