Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Negotiation

Vol. 3 · Issue 18Scranton, PA

Every line from the episode where Dwight becomes a hero and Michael accidentally wears a MISSterious suit is right here. Follow the chaos as Darryl teaches Michael how to negotiate while Roy finally gets the boot. You'll find the full script and all those classic lines about pippity poppity right on this page.

Scene 01

23 lines
Karen Filippelli
So do you want to see it or not?
Jim Halpert
I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds...
Karen Filippelli
Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic.
Jim Halpert
Agoraphobic?
Karen Filippelli
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Karen Filippelli
Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.
Jim Halpert
Absolutely correct.
Kevin Malone
Later, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Kev, have a good weekend.
Karen Filippelli
Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up.
Jim Halpert
Here we go...
Karen Filippelli
...and we're gonna go to dinner.
Jim Halpert
Ok...
Karen Filippelli
And then we're gonna go to the movies.
Jim Halpert
Sounds good.
Roy Anderson
Hey Halpert!
Jim Halpert
Hey... (Roy lunges towards Jim)
Pam Beesly
ROY!
Karen Filippelli
(shrieks)
Pam Beesly
Roy don't! (Dwight pepper-sprays Roy)
Roy Anderson
(screams in pain) Ahh God!
Dwight Schrute
Pam, please call security!

Scene 02

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? (Dwight blinks and winces in pain from the pepper spray)

Scene 03

17 lines
Michael Scott
No need for consternation, everything is under control.
Jan Levinson
Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office!
Michael Scott
It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled.
Jan Levinson
(sigh) Is Toby there?
Michael Scott
No...
Toby Flenderson
I'm... here, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Ok, what... what is the situation Toby?
Toby Flenderson
Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.
Jan Levinson
Thank God.
Toby Flenderson
Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his...
Michael Scott
No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.
Jan Levinson
All right, well are you gonna take care of this?
Michael Scott
Yeppers.
Jan Levinson
What did I tell you about "yeppers?"
Michael Scott
I don't... remember.
Jan Levinson
I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Michael Scott
Yeesh...

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
I really don't want to talk about it. I don't mean to be rude, but I just... I don't want to comment on what happened. It sucked.

Scene 05

1 line
Jim Halpert
I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.

Scene 06

6 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Um... Got you something.
Dwight Schrute
Don't want it.
Jim Halpert
You don't know what it is.
Dwight Schrute
Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.

Scene 07

1 line
Jim Halpert
It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.

Scene 09

8 lines
Oscar Martinez
Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up.
Kevin Malone
Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight.
Oscar Martinez
It was crazy.
Angela Martin
You saw it? Describe it please.
Oscar Martinez
Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero.
Angela Martin
Oh...
Oscar Martinez
It was insane!
Angela Martin
(flustered) Well... good for Dwight.

Scene 10

3 lines
Michael Scott
Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you.
Jim Halpert
Where'd you get that?
Michael Scott
Wikipedia.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

Scene 12

25 lines
Michael Scott
Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise.
Michael Scott
Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... (mumbling softly) that maybe you should... (mumbling jibberish)
Jim Halpert
I can't hear you.
Michael Scott
What I'm saying is that, (continues to mumble jibberish)
Jim Halpert
Still nothin'.
Michael Scott
Ok, see what I did?
Jim Halpert
No.
Michael Scott
By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position.
Jim Halpert
Nice.
Michael Scott
Ok, let's try another one. Um...
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
Walking out of the room unexpectedly.
Jim Halpert
And what happens in this one?
Michael Scott
It's a surprise.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
Go ahead, ask me for a raise.
Jim Halpert
Can I have a raise?
Michael Scott
(gets up and begins to walk out of the room)
Jim Halpert
(softly) Sex, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher.
Michael Scott
What?
Jim Halpert
What?
Michael Scott
No, what did you say?
Jim Halpert
I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened.
Michael Scott
Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna...

Scene 13

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place.
Toby Flenderson
Which is where?
Dwight Schrute
Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end.
Toby Flenderson
Thanks Dwight.

Scene 14

16 lines
Kelly Kapoor
That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.
Ryan Howard
I can't imagine what I would have done.
Kelly Kapoor
I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.
Ryan Howard
Well that was funny, that's why.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh it was?
Ryan Howard
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Kapoor
Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night...
Ryan Howard
Okay.
Kelly Kapoor
...and you call me, to calm you down...
Ryan Howard
You know what? I didn't---
Toby Flenderson
Can you stop...
Kelly Kapoor
...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.
Toby Flenderson
There's a bunch of people back here, maybe...
Ryan Howard
Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night...
Toby Flenderson
Guys...
Kelly Kapoor
I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you!

Scene 15

1 line
Toby Flenderson
I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius.

Scene 16

7 lines
Michael Scott
(knock on door) Yeah.
Darryl Philbin
You ready for me?
Michael Scott
Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat.
Darryl Philbin
Cool.
Michael Scott
You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room.
Darryl Philbin
Okay.
Michael Scott
No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.

Scene 19

18 lines
Michael Scott
(long pause) I am declining to speak first.
Darryl Philbin
Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now.
Michael Scott
Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now.
Darryl Philbin
Are you wearin' lady clothes?
Michael Scott
What?
Darryl Philbin
Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants.
Michael Scott
No, this is a power suit.
Darryl Philbin
That there's a woman's suit.
Michael Scott
(Darryl laughs) I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again.
Darryl Philbin
I'ma call Roy, man.
Michael Scott
Ohh... kay.
Darryl Philbin
This is gonna make him feel better.
Michael Scott
All right.
Darryl Philbin
This is too good.
Michael Scott
Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?
Pam Beesly
Oh my God, that's a woman's suit!
Kevin Malone
You're wearing a woman's suit?
Michael Scott
No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual.

Scene 21

12 lines
Kevin Malone
Who makes it?
Michael Scott
Uh, (reading the inside of his jacket) MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery.
Phyllis Vance
Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining?
Michael Scott
Okay.
Phyllis Vance
Did you see...
Michael Scott
Would you stop it, please?
Jim Halpert
So, none of that tipped you off?
Michael Scott
It's European, OK? It's a European cut.
Pam Beesly
Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.
Michael Scott
No, they don't. See? (Michael lifts his jacket tail, sticks out his back side and shows Pam)
Pam Beesly
(Laughing, covering her mouth)
Michael Scott
Italians don't wear pockets.

Scene 22

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little.

Scene 23

5 lines
Karen Filippelli
Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet?
Michael Scott
No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton.
Michael Scott
Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes.
Darryl Philbin
Okay, can you just stand right there? (snaps camera phone picture) I gotta send some e-mails.

Scene 24

1 line
Michael Scott
Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes.

Scene 25

9 lines
Kevin Malone
Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?
Karen Filippelli
I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
Stanley Hudson
You must have been scared out of your mind.
Karen Filippelli
Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared.
Angela Martin
What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story.
Karen Filippelli
Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry.
Angela Martin
Mm-hmm.
Karen Filippelli
And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.
Angela Martin
(flustered) Goodness.

Scene 26

1 line
Karen Filippelli
When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

Scene 27

7 lines
Michael Scott
Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise.
Darryl Philbin
Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise.
Michael Scott
(mumbles jibberish)
Darryl Philbin
What? I can't hear you.
Michael Scott
(mumbling softly) That was a very good point.
Darryl Philbin
I can't--- what, Mike? Are you---
Michael Scott
(mumbling softly) You make a very compelling argument.

Scene 28

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Sorry I almost got you killed.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, that was nuts.
Pam Beesly
He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right?
Jim Halpert
No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection.
Pam Beesly
Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now.
Jim Halpert
We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday.
Pam Beesly
Jim... I am really... sorry.
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.

Scene 29

17 lines
Michael Scott
I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.
Darryl Philbin
Why can't I just... tell you?
Michael Scott
Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. (Darryl writes the amount and starts to hand the paper to Michael) No, slide--- slide it, yes.
Darryl Philbin
There you go.
Michael Scott
Oh. (scoffs) Come on. Be serious.
Darryl Philbin
I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want.
Michael Scott
I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much.
Darryl Philbin
Come on, be for real Mike.
Michael Scott
I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub.
Darryl Philbin
(laughs) Are you serious? You're earning this?
Michael Scott
Plus perks, yes.
Darryl Philbin
Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. (laughs)
Michael Scott
Fourteen years.
Darryl Philbin
Ho-ho!
Michael Scott
No, please, please...
Darryl Philbin
Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. (texting on cell phone) Ah. (laughs)
Michael Scott
Ok, let's take 15, again.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that.

Scene 31

4 lines
Jim Halpert
Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something.
Dwight Schrute
When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?
Jim Halpert
Boy I---
Dwight Schrute
No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle?

Scene 32

4 lines
Jim Halpert
It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating.
Karen Filippelli
Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks.
Jim Halpert
Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do?
Karen Filippelli
Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip.

Scene 33

6 lines
Kevin Malone
Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
Michael Scott
Oh, thank you.
Kevin Malone
Yeah. I heard you might need it. So...
Creed Bratton
Here's the $40 you gave me.
Michael Scott
I didn't give you $40.
Creed Bratton
In a way you did.

Scene 34

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid.

Scene 35

18 lines
Darryl Philbin
(on cell phone) Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. (laughing) Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. (hangs up)
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia.
Darryl Philbin
What?
Michael Scott
I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise.
Darryl Philbin
That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss.
Michael Scott
Well what am I supposed to do?
Darryl Philbin
Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son.
Michael Scott
I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous.
Darryl Philbin
Well, when they merged the two branches together, they put you in charge. Okay, and we're shippin' more now than we ever have.
Michael Scott
(exhales) That's true.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.
Michael Scott
You know what? I should.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, you should.
Michael Scott
I have been a loyal employee for a long time.
Darryl Philbin
Fourteen years long.
Michael Scott
You know what? I deserve a bump.
Darryl Philbin
Make it happen, cap'in.
Michael Scott
I am makin' it happen, sergeant.

Scene 36

2 lines
Creed Bratton
I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. (Angela rolls her eyes) Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter---
Angela Martin
You're useless.

Scene 37

14 lines
Jan Levinson
Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends?
Michael Scott
No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today.
Jan Levinson
Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five?
Michael Scott
Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away.
Jan Levinson
Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Michael Scott
Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan Levinson
Da--- Darryl from the warehouse?
Michael Scott
Mm-hm.
Jan Levinson
No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby.
Michael Scott
Hey, I'd rather kill myself.
Jan Levinson
Michael, he's your branch's HR rep...
Michael Scott
(talking over Jan) No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known.
Jan Levinson
...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.
Michael Scott
(sighs) Fine.

Scene 38

12 lines
Kelly Kapoor
You are so mean.
Ryan Howard
I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelly Kapoor
Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid.
Ryan Howard
No, I said your idea was stupid.
Michael Scott
Toby, come on. Let's go.
Toby Flenderson
Where?
Michael Scott
Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go.
Kelly Kapoor
What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher?
Toby Flenderson
Alright.
Kelly Kapoor
Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor.
Ryan Howard
Don't you see why that's insane?
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, so I'm crazy now?

Scene 39

17 lines
Darryl Philbin
Comfortable, Mike?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Fine.
Darryl Philbin
How about you, man. Comfortable?
Toby Flenderson
No.
Michael Scott
(imitating Chris Tucker) Don't ever touch a black man's radio! ...Chris Tucker. Rush Hour. I won't touch yours, by the way.
Darryl Philbin
Thank you.
Michael Scott
Well...
Darryl Philbin
I haven't been to New York in a long time.
Michael Scott
Mm, the Big Apple.
Darryl Philbin
Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there.
Toby Flenderson
How would we get home?
Darryl Philbin
Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place.
Michael Scott
Maybe I'll stay.
Darryl Philbin
Mm, it's not that big.
Michael Scott
Well...
Darryl Philbin
Busses, though. They get you home quick.
Michael Scott
(mouth full of pretzels) Oh, I...

Scene 40

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!"
Angela Martin
Then what'd he do? (Kelly's phone rings)
Kelly Kapoor
You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. (answering phone) Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams...

Scene 41

5 lines
Hunter
Hey guys, Jan is ready for you.
Darryl Philbin
Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.
Michael Scott
Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.
Darryl Philbin
Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me
Michael Scott
All right.

Scene 42

1 line
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself.

Scene 43

5 lines
Roy Anderson
(to Jim) Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. (Jim motions "Don't worry about it") (Roy receives his check from Angela) Thanks. (to Pam) Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something?
Pam Beesly
I don't know.
Roy Anderson
Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. (Pam nods, meekly)
Kevin Malone
(as Roy is walking out) Jim--- Roy--- Look out!
Jim Halpert
Thanks, Kev. I'm good though.

Scene 44

18 lines
Jan Levinson
Thank you, Hunter. (to Michael and Toby) Hello. Come in. (exhales) Ah, Okay.
Michael Scott
Who's the boy toy?
Jan Levinson
That's my new assistant.
Michael Scott
Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek?
Jan Levinson
I have to call you the second I get a new assistant?
Michael Scott
Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers.
Toby Flenderson
Hi, Jan.
Jan Levinson
Hi, Toby. (clears throat) First--- (Michael clears his throat) First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear?
Michael Scott
Pippity poppity.
Jan Levinson
Right now we can offer you a 6% raise.
Michael Scott
Six percent? After all we've been through?
Jan Levinson
Oh, God.
Michael Scott
I got you... jade earrings.
Jan Levinson
Michael---
Michael Scott
No!
Jan Levinson
Michael---
Michael Scott
No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more sex. (Toby begins to write) (to Toby) What are you writing, perv-ball?
Toby Flenderson
Just preparing for the deposition.

Scene 45

1 line
Toby Flenderson
This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Scene 46

8 lines
Roy Anderson
I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong.
Pam Beesly
I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices.
Roy Anderson
So you gonna start datin' Halpert then?
Pam Beesly
Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend.
Roy Anderson
Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy.
Pam Beesly
No, there were a lot of reasons.
Roy Anderson
But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? (Pam meekly shakes her head) I don't get you Pam.
Pam Beesly
I know.

Scene 47

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
What's this?
Jim Halpert
What's what?
Dwight Schrute
Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute"
Jim Halpert
Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor.
Dwight Schrute
Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.
Jim Halpert
(under his breath) Didn't think you'd notice...

Scene 48

6 lines
Michael Scott
Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me!
Jan Levinson
Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere.
Michael Scott
Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere.
Jan Levinson
Ok, Toby, how about if you...
Toby Flenderson
Sure.
Jan Levinson
Great.

Scene 49

8 lines
Jan Levinson
What's wrong with you?
Michael Scott
Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I---
Jan Levinson
Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15.
Michael Scott
Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make---
Jan Levinson
No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay?
Michael Scott
Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise.
Jan Levinson
No. But we can offer you 12.
Michael Scott
But you just said 15.

Scene 50

2 lines
Michael Scott
Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having sex with Jan--
Jan Levinson
Michael!

Scene 51

4 lines
Stanley Hudson
So you and Bob are looking at a historical house?
Phyllis Vance
Mm-hmm, near the river.
Stanley Hudson
Mm, how many bedrooms?
Phyllis Vance
Four.

Scene 52

6 lines
Angela Martin
Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading.
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Angela Martin
Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery.
Dwight Schrute
Mm, good stuff.
Angela Martin
Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together.
Dwight Schrute
Sounds... fun. (they kiss, Jim walks out of the bathroom and sees)

Scene 53

1 line
Jim Halpert
(scoffs) I... will never say a word. And now, we are even.

Scene 54

1 line
Andy Bernard
I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. (in a forceful voice) So look out Dunder Mifflin! (laughs) (snaps) I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you...

Scene 55

2 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey guys! Guess who's back! (Dwight pepper-spray's Andy) AHHH! (screams in pain) OH, GOD!
Dwight Schrute
No need to thank me.

Scene 56

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who's a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That's a hero. Also, Bono.