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Season 3 Episode 19
Safety Training

Every line from The Office episode "Safety Training", season 3 episode 19.

Andy Bernard: Good morning, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Andy Bernard: Drew. I'm Drew now.
Pam Beesly: Oh. Drew. Sorry.
Andy Bernard: Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. (laughs)
Andy Bernard: Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. (cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall) But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.
Andy Bernard: Mornin' Jim.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Andy. How are you, man?
Andy Bernard: Good. Drew.
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Andy Bernard: Dr--- You can call me Drew.
Jim Halpert: No, I'm not gonna call you that.
Andy Bernard: Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.
Jim Halpert: Andy.
Andy Bernard: Drew. (walks to Dwight) Dwight. How's it goin' man?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.
Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, tell him that's not true.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy Bernard: You guys...
Dwight Schrute: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim Halpert: (half-heartedly) Andy! Nah, that's too far.
Dwight Schrute: Damn you.
Michael Scott: Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
Darryl Philbin: Now, this is the forklift. You need--- (Michael rattles it) You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it. ... Quiz! Mike.
Michael Scott: Hmm.
Darryl Philbin: Should you drive the forklift?
Michael Scott: I can, and I have.
Darryl Philbin: No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift, you understand?
Lonny: You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl Philbin: It's not safe, you don't have a license.
Michael Scott: Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. (points) Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge: Madge.
Michael Scott: I thought your name was Pudge?
Madge: No, it's always been Madge.
Michael Scott: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl Philbin: Her. Yes, "her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael Scott: Ah, fine.
Darryl Philbin: Do you understand that?
Michael Scott: Yeeesh.
Darryl Philbin: We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
Michael Scott: (barely keeping his composure) "Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!" (laughs)
Darryl Philbin: And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers.
Darryl Philbin: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Andy Bernard: It's on!
Darryl Philbin: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael Scott: Bail'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.
Darryl Philbin: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Kevin Malone: Five bucks says it's over 50.
Jim Halpert: You really wanna bet?
Darryl Philbin: Anybody?
Kevin Malone: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Guy: How many?
Jim Halpert: Ok, you're on.
Darryl Philbin: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?
Kevin Malone: (mouths) Damn...
Darryl Philbin: (in background) You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful...
Jim Halpert: No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'.
Kevin Malone: On what?
Jim Halpert: I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out.
Kevin Malone: Nice.
Oscar Martinez: What are you guys talkin' about?
Darryl Philbin: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael, should not go anywhere near them.
Michael Scott: Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...
Darryl Philbin: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.
Lonny: What the hell is wrong with this man?
Michael Scott: It's a big red trash compactor!
Lonny: What are you---
Darryl Philbin: It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler!
Lonny: Don't disrespect the baler!
Michael Scott: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...
Darryl Philbin: No do not touch it!
Michael Scott: ...would I go near---
Darryl Philbin: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
Michael Scott: Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!
Toby Flenderson: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...
Toby Flenderson: Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl Philbin: Take them at the same time.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby Flenderson: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.
Ryan Howard: What about a long sleeve T?
Toby Flenderson: Well, that'll work.
Kevin Malone: Long johns? A shaw?
Toby Flenderson: You know, anything that warms you.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. (to warehouse guys) Sorry, he is very lame. (takes book from Toby) Um, let's see. "Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter."
Darryl Philbin: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Michael Scott: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl Philbin: Actually, you did.
Michael Scott: Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. "A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---"
Toby Flenderson: Sedentary.
Michael Scott: Yes. "Which can contribute to heart disease." Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott: Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?
Michael Scott: No.
Lonny: Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly Kapoor: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly Kapoor: Ryan?
Lonny: Dude, tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly Kapoor: What?!
Ryan Howard: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding me?
Darryl Philbin: Alright, we outta here.
Michael Scott: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I---
Lonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
Darryl Philbin: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.
Michael Scott: Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?
Michael Scott: Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." ... This is one example.
Kevin Malone: (Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans) Ten.
Oscar Martinez: Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.
Jim Halpert: There's like ten green ones.
Oscar Martinez: Forty-two.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna say fifty.
Karen Filippelli: Fifty-one.
Jim Halpert: Oh, don't be that person.
Kevin Malone: That is lame.
Karen Filippelli: It's a strategy!
Pam Beesly: It's called being smart.
Karen Filippelli: Thank you.
Kevin Malone: Oh, geeze.
Pam Beesly: I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun.
Pam Beesly: Ten...
Jim Halpert: Kev's out.
Kevin Malone: Damn it.
Pam Beesly: 47, 48, 49! Jim wins!
Everyone: Oooh! (Jim claps)
Kevin Malone: That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.
Jim Halpert: Okay, okay.
Kevin Malone: No, constantly. Like, for years.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Michael Scott: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam Beesly: I don't understand the question.
Michael Scott: Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Pam Beesly: Yeah...
Michael Scott: I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...
Pam Beesly: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael Scott: Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.
Pam Beesly: So, you're okay?
Michael Scott: Indubitably.
Michael Scott: They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight Schrute: Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!?
Michael Scott: I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression---
Dwight Schrute: Wolves.
Michael Scott: Nn--- Depression.
Dwight Schrute: Visual aids.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: A quilt. Depression quilt?
Michael Scott: No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.
Michael Scott: You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, "Hey! You ever seen a suicide?" And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think "Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael." But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! (Dwight nods)
Kelly Kapoor: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, (Ryan checks his watch)number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. (Karen lays money down on the desk next to Ryan) And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see love actually again, (Phyllis throws her money down) but it's at the bottom of the que! Oh no, what do I do!? (Creed throws his money down) What I do, is this. I go online, I go click, click, click. And I change the order of the que, so that I can see Love Actually (Pam throws her money down) as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? (Jim throws his money down)
Ryan Howard: I guess I forgot. (kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money)
Kelly Kapoor: You're such a ditz.
Kevin Malone: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Dwight Schrute: (on the roof) Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops!
Michael Scott: Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or...
Dwight Schrute: We measured it once...
Michael Scott: Go buy some watermelons.
Dwight Schrute: Seedless?
Michael Scott: Just...
Toby Flenderson: (Creed takes a bite of an apple) Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Pam Beesly: Hey Creed.
Creed Bratton: Hey!
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Creed Bratton: Hello. (Jim replaces Creed's apple with a potato)(Creed takes a bite of the potato)
Pam Beesly: Yes!
Kevin Malone: Here you go. (hands money)
Toby Flenderson: Nice.
Karen Filippelli: I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.
Dwight Schrute: Ready?
Michael Scott: Let's do it! Drop that sucker.
Dwight Schrute: (drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds)
Michael Scott: BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight Schrute: Got it.
Michael Scott: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.
Dwight Schrute: We're not allowed to use the baler.
Michael Scott: Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster.
Dwight Schrute: I'm on it!
Dwight Schrute: I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy Bernard: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy Bernard: Anything.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle.
Andy Bernard: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think? You've got an hour.
Andy Bernard: I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash.
Dwight Schrute: Shunning resumed.
Andy Bernard: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision.
Michael Scott: Yes, thank you for seeing that.
Dwight Schrute: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael Scott: I don't know if I wanna do this.
Dwight Schrute: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Michael Scott: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.
Dwight Schrute: That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll!
Michael Scott: Rock n' roll!
Dwight Schrute: Yeah!
Michael Scott: That's right! I am not thinking.
Dwight Schrute: (imitating the sound and playing an air guitar) Near near near near near!
Michael Scott: Yes! Yeah!
Dwight Schrute: (singing) Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof!
Michael Scott: Woo!
Dwight Schrute: (singing) Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss!
Michael Scott: Woo!
Dwight Schrute: (singing) Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Michael Scott: I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! (Dwight continues air guitar)
Dwight Schrute: (out of breath) Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange!
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight Schrute: (hesitates) Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy Bernard: Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Stanley Hudson: Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley Hudson: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute: No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!
Ryan Howard: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
Dwight Schrute: Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!
Dwight Schrute: (outside) Come on, hurry up you guys!
Michael Scott: (on the roof) My life! Oh, my life...
Dwight Schrute: (on megaphone) Michael, what's wrong?!
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!
Dwight Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Dwight Schrute: Don't do anything rash!
Michael Scott: Wait, where are the warehouse guys?
Dwight Schrute: I didn't... (Dwight runs up to the side of the building) I didn't think you needed them for this part.
Michael Scott: Okay... that's...
Dwight Schrute: you said to just...
Michael Scott: That's the whole point, dummy.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'm on it!
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Attention blue collar workers!
Pam Beesly: What are the odds that this is in any way real?
Jim Halpert: I'd say like... 10,000 to 1?
Kevin Malone: Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds.
Kevin Malone: If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.
Dwight Schrute: Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange!
Michael Scott: Oooooh, my life!
Dwight Schrute: Michael! What's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.
Dwight Schrute: Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Jim Halpert: Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee.
Michael Scott: And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!
Jim Halpert: Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part.
Angela Martin: This is just offensive.
Ryan Howard: At least we're outside.
Creed Bratton: (zipping up his pants) Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there.
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, there is a castle.
Dwight Schrute: No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael.
Michael Scott: Damn it.
Pam Beesly: Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump.
Jim Halpert: Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself.
Pam Beesly: Yeah...
Jim Halpert: Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Pam Beesly: Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.
Michael Scott: What is it?
Pam Beesly: Come down and... open it and you'll see.
Michael Scott: Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.
Jim Halpert: Dwight...
Pam Beesly: Dwight, what are you---
Dwight Schrute: Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan.
Michael Scott: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?
Darryl Philbin: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself.
Michael Scott: You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.
Michael Scott: What do I have to live for?
Darryl Philbin: A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right?
Michael Scott: It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl Philbin: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you.
Michael Scott: Do you really mean that?
Darryl Philbin: I couldn't do it. I--- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.
Michael Scott: I'm braver than you?
Darryl Philbin: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael Scott: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl Philbin: Come down, okay?
Michael Scott: Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.
Michael Scott: An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 19 season 3. Safety Training is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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