Every line from The Office episode "Safety Training", season 3 episode 19.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.
Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute: Ok, tell him that's not true.
Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy Bernard: You guys...
Dwight Schrute: Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim Halpert: (half-heartedly) Andy! Nah, that's too far.
Dwight Schrute: Damn you.
Darryl Philbin: Now, this is the forklift. You need--- (Michael rattles it) You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it. ... Quiz! Mike.
Darryl Philbin: Should you drive the forklift?
Michael Scott: I can, and I have.
Darryl Philbin: No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift, you understand?
Lonny: You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl Philbin: It's not safe, you don't have a license.
Michael Scott: Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. (points) Pudge has driven the forklift.
Michael Scott: I thought your name was Pudge?
Madge: No, it's always been Madge.
Michael Scott: Okay. Um, her.
Darryl Philbin: Her. Yes, "her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Darryl Philbin: Do you understand that?
Darryl Philbin: The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Darryl Philbin: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael Scott: Bail'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.
Darryl Philbin: Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Kevin Malone: Five bucks says it's over 50.
Jim Halpert: You really wanna bet?
Kevin Malone: Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Jim Halpert: Ok, you're on.
Darryl Philbin: Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?
Kevin Malone: (mouths) Damn...
Darryl Philbin: (in background) You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful...
Jim Halpert: No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'.
Jim Halpert: I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out.
Oscar Martinez: What are you guys talkin' about?
Darryl Philbin: These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael, should not go anywhere near them.
Michael Scott: Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...
Darryl Philbin: It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.
Lonny: What the hell is wrong with this man?
Michael Scott: It's a big red trash compactor!
Darryl Philbin: It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler!
Lonny: Don't disrespect the baler!
Michael Scott: Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...
Darryl Philbin: No do not touch it!
Michael Scott: ...would I go near---
Darryl Philbin: There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?
Michael Scott: Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!
Toby Flenderson: Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...
Toby Flenderson: Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott: Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl Philbin: Take them at the same time.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby Flenderson: No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.
Ryan Howard: What about a long sleeve T?
Toby Flenderson: Well, that'll work.
Kevin Malone: Long johns? A shaw?
Toby Flenderson: You know, anything that warms you.
Michael Scott: Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. (to warehouse guys) Sorry, he is very lame. (takes book from Toby) Um, let's see. "Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter."
Darryl Philbin: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Michael Scott: Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl Philbin: Actually, you did.
Michael Scott: Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. "A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---"
Toby Flenderson: Sedentary.
Michael Scott: Yes. "Which can contribute to heart disease." Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott: Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...
Lonny: Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?
Lonny: Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly Kapoor: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny: Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Lonny: Dude, tell your girl to shut up.
Ryan Howard: Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding me?
Darryl Philbin: Alright, we outta here.
Michael Scott: Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I---
Lonny: Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
Darryl Philbin: That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.
Michael Scott: Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?
Kevin Malone: (Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans) Ten.
Oscar Martinez: Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.
Jim Halpert: There's like ten green ones.
Oscar Martinez: Forty-two.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna say fifty.
Karen Filippelli: Fifty-one.
Jim Halpert: Oh, don't be that person.
Kevin Malone: That is lame.
Karen Filippelli: It's a strategy!
Pam Beesly: It's called being smart.
Karen Filippelli: Thank you.
Michael Scott: Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam Beesly: I don't understand the question.
Michael Scott: Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Michael Scott: I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...
Pam Beesly: It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael Scott: Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.
Pam Beesly: So, you're okay?
Michael Scott: Indubitably.
Kelly Kapoor: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, (Ryan checks his watch)number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. (Karen lays money down on the desk next to Ryan) And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see love actually again, (Phyllis throws her money down) but it's at the bottom of the que! Oh no, what do I do!? (Creed throws his money down) What I do, is this. I go online, I go click, click, click. And I change the order of the que, so that I can see Love Actually (Pam throws her money down) as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? (Jim throws his money down)
Ryan Howard: I guess I forgot. (kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money)
Kelly Kapoor: You're such a ditz.
Kevin Malone: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Michael Scott: Let's do it! Drop that sucker.
Dwight Schrute: (drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds)
Michael Scott: BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Michael Scott: Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.
Dwight Schrute: We're not allowed to use the baler.
Michael Scott: Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster.
Dwight Schrute: I'm on it!
Dwight Schrute: I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Dwight Schrute: It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle.
Andy Bernard: You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight Schrute: What do you think? You've got an hour.
Andy Bernard: I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash.
Dwight Schrute: Shunning resumed.
Andy Bernard: Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.
Dwight Schrute: Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision.
Michael Scott: Yes, thank you for seeing that.
Dwight Schrute: When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael Scott: I don't know if I wanna do this.
Dwight Schrute: Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Michael Scott: No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.
Dwight Schrute: That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll!
Michael Scott: Rock n' roll!
Michael Scott: That's right! I am not thinking.
Dwight Schrute: (imitating the sound and playing an air guitar) Near near near near near!
Michael Scott: Yes! Yeah!
Dwight Schrute: (singing) Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof!
Dwight Schrute: (singing) Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss!
Dwight Schrute: (singing) Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Michael Scott: I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! (Dwight continues air guitar)
Dwight Schrute: (out of breath) Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange!
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight Schrute: (hesitates) Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy Bernard: Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Stanley Hudson: Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley Hudson: Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute: No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!
Ryan Howard: Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
Dwight Schrute: Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!
Dwight Schrute: (outside) Come on, hurry up you guys!
Michael Scott: (on the roof) My life! Oh, my life...
Dwight Schrute: (on megaphone) Michael, what's wrong?!
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!
Dwight Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Dwight Schrute: Don't do anything rash!
Michael Scott: Wait, where are the warehouse guys?
Dwight Schrute: I didn't... (Dwight runs up to the side of the building) I didn't think you needed them for this part.
Michael Scott: Okay... that's...
Dwight Schrute: you said to just...
Michael Scott: That's the whole point, dummy.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, I'm on it!
Jim Halpert: Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Pam Beesly: Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.
Michael Scott: What is it?
Pam Beesly: Come down and... open it and you'll see.
Michael Scott: Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, what are you---
Dwight Schrute: Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan.
Michael Scott: Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?
Darryl Philbin: Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself.
Michael Scott: You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.
Darryl Philbin: Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.
Michael Scott: What do I have to live for?
Darryl Philbin: A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right?
Michael Scott: It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl Philbin: Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you.
Michael Scott: Do you really mean that?
Darryl Philbin: I couldn't do it. I--- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.
Michael Scott: I'm braver than you?
Darryl Philbin: Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael Scott: I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl Philbin: Come down, okay?
Michael Scott: Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 19 season 3. Safety Training is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.