Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Safety Training

Vol. 3 · Issue 19Scranton, PA

Follow along with every line from the episode where Michael tries to prove office life is a death trap. You'll find the full script here, covering everything from the watermelon test to the legendary "ignorant slut" moment on the roof. It's the ultimate resource for catching all the banter between the warehouse and the office.

Scene 01

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Good morning, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Oh, welcome back, Andy.
Andy Bernard
Drew. I'm Drew now.
Pam Beesly
Oh. Drew. Sorry.
Andy Bernard
Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. (laughs)

Scene 02

1 line
Andy Bernard
Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. (cut to shot of Andy punching a hole in the wall) But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies.

Scene 03

9 lines
Andy Bernard
Mornin' Jim.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Andy. How are you, man?
Andy Bernard
Good. Drew.
Jim Halpert
What's that?
Andy Bernard
Dr--- You can call me Drew.
Jim Halpert
No, I'm not gonna call you that.
Andy Bernard
Cool. I can't control what you do. I can only control what I do.
Jim Halpert
Andy.
Andy Bernard
Drew. (walks to Dwight) Dwight. How's it goin' man?

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.

Scene 05

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned.
Jim Halpert
Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight Schrute
Ok, tell him that's not true.
Jim Halpert
Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Andy Bernard
You guys...
Dwight Schrute
Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim Halpert
(half-heartedly) Andy! Nah, that's too far.
Dwight Schrute
Damn you.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.

Scene 07

16 lines
Darryl Philbin
Now, this is the forklift. You need--- (Michael rattles it) You need a license to operate this machine. That means the upstairs office workers can't drive it. ... Quiz! Mike.
Michael Scott
Hmm.
Darryl Philbin
Should you drive the forklift?
Michael Scott
I can, and I have.
Darryl Philbin
No! No no no no no! I said should you. You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift, you understand?
Lonny
You're not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl Philbin
It's not safe, you don't have a license.
Michael Scott
Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. (points) Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge
Madge.
Michael Scott
I thought your name was Pudge?
Madge
No, it's always been Madge.
Michael Scott
Okay. Um, her.
Darryl Philbin
Her. Yes, "her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael Scott
Ah, fine.
Darryl Philbin
Do you understand that?
Michael Scott
Yeeesh.

Scene 08

1 line
Darryl Philbin
We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...

Scene 09

1 line
Michael Scott
(barely keeping his composure) "Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!" (laughs)

Scene 10

1 line
Darryl Philbin
And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers.

Scene 11

33 lines
Darryl Philbin
The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Andy Bernard
It's on!
Darryl Philbin
How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael Scott
Bail'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny
Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man.
Darryl Philbin
Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody?
Kevin Malone
Five bucks says it's over 50.
Jim Halpert
You really wanna bet?
Darryl Philbin
Anybody?
Kevin Malone
Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored.
Guy
How many?
Jim Halpert
Ok, you're on.
Darryl Philbin
Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them?
Kevin Malone
(mouths) Damn...
Darryl Philbin
(in background) You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful...
Jim Halpert
No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'.
Kevin Malone
On what?
Jim Halpert
I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out.
Kevin Malone
Nice.
Oscar Martinez
What are you guys talkin' about?
Darryl Philbin
These are very dangerous machines down here, and the upstairs workers, Michael, should not go anywhere near them.
Michael Scott
Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody...
Darryl Philbin
It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so.
Lonny
What the hell is wrong with this man?
Michael Scott
It's a big red trash compactor!
Lonny
What are you---
Darryl Philbin
It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler!
Lonny
Don't disrespect the baler!
Michael Scott
Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions...
Darryl Philbin
No do not touch it!
Michael Scott
...would I go near---
Darryl Philbin
There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay?

Scene 12

37 lines
Michael Scott
Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go!
Toby Flenderson
Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott
Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and...
Toby Flenderson
Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour.
Michael Scott
Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour?
Darryl Philbin
Take them at the same time.
Michael Scott
Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not?
Toby Flenderson
No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty.
Ryan Howard
What about a long sleeve T?
Toby Flenderson
Well, that'll work.
Kevin Malone
Long johns? A shaw?
Toby Flenderson
You know, anything that warms you.
Michael Scott
Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. (to warehouse guys) Sorry, he is very lame. (takes book from Toby) Um, let's see. "Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter."
Darryl Philbin
Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny
Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
Michael Scott
Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation.
Darryl Philbin
Actually, you did.
Michael Scott
Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. "A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---"
Toby Flenderson
Sedentary.
Michael Scott
Yes. "Which can contribute to heart disease." Heart disease kills more people that balers.
Lonny
That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
Michael Scott
Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary...
Lonny
Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from?
Michael Scott
No.
Lonny
Fat butt disease, Michael?
Kelly Kapoor
Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
Lonny
Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
Kelly Kapoor
Ryan?
Lonny
Dude, tell your girl to shut up.
Kelly Kapoor
What?!
Ryan Howard
Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
Kelly Kapoor
Are you kidding me?
Darryl Philbin
Alright, we outta here.
Michael Scott
Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I---
Lonny
Yeah, but ours was real, Michael.
Darryl Philbin
That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it.
Michael Scott
Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." ... This is one example.

Scene 14

12 lines
Kevin Malone
(Pam is holding a jar of jellybeans) Ten.
Oscar Martinez
Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant.
Jim Halpert
There's like ten green ones.
Oscar Martinez
Forty-two.
Jim Halpert
I'm gonna say fifty.
Karen Filippelli
Fifty-one.
Jim Halpert
Oh, don't be that person.
Kevin Malone
That is lame.
Karen Filippelli
It's a strategy!
Pam Beesly
It's called being smart.
Karen Filippelli
Thank you.
Kevin Malone
Oh, geeze.

Scene 15

1 line
Pam Beesly
I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun.

Scene 16

9 lines
Pam Beesly
Ten...
Jim Halpert
Kev's out.
Kevin Malone
Damn it.
Pam Beesly
47, 48, 49! Jim wins!
Everyone
Oooh! (Jim claps)
Kevin Malone
That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.
Jim Halpert
Okay, okay.
Kevin Malone
No, constantly. Like, for years.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 17

9 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right?
Pam Beesly
I don't understand the question.
Michael Scott
Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff.
Pam Beesly
Yeah...
Michael Scott
I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that...
Pam Beesly
It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals.
Michael Scott
Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science.
Pam Beesly
So, you're okay?
Michael Scott
Indubitably.

Scene 18

5 lines
Michael Scott
They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight Schrute
Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!?
Michael Scott
I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression---
Dwight Schrute
Wolves.
Michael Scott
Nn--- Depression.

Scene 19

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Visual aids.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Dwight Schrute
A quilt. Depression quilt?
Michael Scott
No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, "Hey! You ever seen a suicide?" And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think "Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael." But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! (Dwight nods)

Scene 21

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, (Ryan checks his watch)number three becomes number two, etc, etc. And let's just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. (Karen lays money down on the desk next to Ryan) And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see love actually again, (Phyllis throws her money down) but it's at the bottom of the que! Oh no, what do I do!? (Creed throws his money down) What I do, is this. I go online, I go click, click, click. And I change the order of the que, so that I can see Love Actually (Pam throws her money down) as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works? (Jim throws his money down)
Ryan Howard
I guess I forgot. (kisses Kelly, gathers up all the money)
Kelly Kapoor
You're such a ditz.
Kevin Malone
Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.

Scene 22

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(on the roof) Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops!
Michael Scott
Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or...
Dwight Schrute
We measured it once...
Michael Scott
Go buy some watermelons.
Dwight Schrute
Seedless?
Michael Scott
Just...

Scene 23

8 lines
Toby Flenderson
(Creed takes a bite of an apple) Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Pam Beesly
Hey Creed.
Creed Bratton
Hey!
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Creed Bratton
Hello. (Jim replaces Creed's apple with a potato)(Creed takes a bite of the potato)
Pam Beesly
Yes!
Kevin Malone
Here you go. (hands money)
Toby Flenderson
Nice.

Scene 24

1 line
Karen Filippelli
I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.

Scene 25

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ready?
Michael Scott
Let's do it! Drop that sucker.
Dwight Schrute
(drops watermelon, watermelon bounces off trampoline, onto a car, bursts, car alarm sounds)
Michael Scott
BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Michael Scott
Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight Schrute
Got it.
Michael Scott
Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler.
Dwight Schrute
We're not allowed to use the baler.
Michael Scott
Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster.
Dwight Schrute
I'm on it!

Scene 26

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
I'm temporarily lifting the shun.
Andy Bernard
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
It means nothing. I need you to do something for me.
Andy Bernard
Anything.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle.
Andy Bernard
You mean a moon bounce.
Dwight Schrute
What do you think? You've got an hour.
Andy Bernard
I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash.
Dwight Schrute
Shunning resumed.
Andy Bernard
Do you, do you want a drawbridge?
Dwight Schrute
Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun.

Scene 27

18 lines
Dwight Schrute
Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision.
Michael Scott
Yes, thank you for seeing that.
Dwight Schrute
When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael Scott
I don't know if I wanna do this.
Dwight Schrute
Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk!
Michael Scott
No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking.
Dwight Schrute
That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll!
Michael Scott
Rock n' roll!
Dwight Schrute
Yeah!
Michael Scott
That's right! I am not thinking.
Dwight Schrute
(imitating the sound and playing an air guitar) Near near near near near!
Michael Scott
Yes! Yeah!
Dwight Schrute
(singing) Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof!
Michael Scott
Woo!
Dwight Schrute
(singing) Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss!
Michael Scott
Woo!
Dwight Schrute
(singing) Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun!
Michael Scott
I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! (Dwight continues air guitar)

Scene 28

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
(out of breath) Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange!
Andy Bernard
Whoa! What's the situation?
Dwight Schrute
(hesitates) Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy Bernard
Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end?
Dwight Schrute
Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!
Stanley Hudson
Is it nice outside?
Dwight Schrute
It's gorgeous. Let's go!
Stanley Hudson
Do I need my jacket?
Dwight Schrute
No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on!
Ryan Howard
Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?
Dwight Schrute
Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!

Scene 29

16 lines
Dwight Schrute
(outside) Come on, hurry up you guys!
Michael Scott
(on the roof) My life! Oh, my life...
Dwight Schrute
(on megaphone) Michael, what's wrong?!
Michael Scott
Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight Schrute
Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott
Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study!
Dwight Schrute
Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott
Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil!
Dwight Schrute
Don't do anything rash!
Michael Scott
Wait, where are the warehouse guys?
Dwight Schrute
I didn't... (Dwight runs up to the side of the building) I didn't think you needed them for this part.
Michael Scott
Okay... that's...
Dwight Schrute
you said to just...
Michael Scott
That's the whole point, dummy.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, I'm on it!
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 30

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Attention blue collar workers!

Scene 31

3 lines
Pam Beesly
What are the odds that this is in any way real?
Jim Halpert
I'd say like... 10,000 to 1?
Kevin Malone
Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds.

Scene 32

1 line
Kevin Malone
If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

Scene 33

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange!
Michael Scott
Oooooh, my life!
Dwight Schrute
Michael! What's wrong?
Michael Scott
Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed.
Dwight Schrute
Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott
Dwight, you ignorant slut.

Scene 34

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee.
Michael Scott
And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof!
Jim Halpert
Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part.

Scene 35

2 lines
Angela Martin
This is just offensive.
Ryan Howard
At least we're outside.

Scene 36

4 lines
Creed Bratton
(zipping up his pants) Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there.
Jim Halpert
Oh my God, there is a castle.
Dwight Schrute
No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael.
Michael Scott
Damn it.

Scene 37

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump.
Jim Halpert
Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself.
Pam Beesly
Yeah...

Scene 38

24 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured.
Pam Beesly
Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it.
Michael Scott
What is it?
Pam Beesly
Come down and... open it and you'll see.
Michael Scott
Dwight, find out what the present is.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing.
Jim Halpert
Dwight...
Pam Beesly
Dwight, what are you---
Dwight Schrute
Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan.
Michael Scott
Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it?
Darryl Philbin
Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself.
Michael Scott
You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life.
Darryl Philbin
Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for.
Michael Scott
What do I have to live for?
Darryl Philbin
A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right?
Michael Scott
It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The sex isn't nearly as good as it used to be.
Darryl Philbin
Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you.
Michael Scott
Do you really mean that?
Darryl Philbin
I couldn't do it. I--- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.
Michael Scott
I'm braver than you?
Darryl Philbin
Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael Scott
I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl Philbin
Come down, okay?
Michael Scott
Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.