Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Convention

Vol. 3 · Issue 2Scranton, PA

Here's every line from the time Michael tried to throw the party of the year in Room 308. You'll find the full script and all those classic quotes where Michael actually manages to land the HammerMill deal. It's also the big moment where Jim finally tells Michael the truth about why he moved to Stamford.

Scene 01

27 lines
Michael Scott
Pam?
Pam Beesly
Yeah?
Michael Scott
Did you see Oprah yesterday?
Pam Beesly
No, I didn't.
Michael Scott
I, uh... I am going to be a father.
Pam Beesly
What was Oprah about?
Michael Scott
Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost.
Pam Beesly
That's a really big decision.
Michael Scott
I know.
Pam Beesly
Maybe you should wait before you adopt.
Michael Scott
Well...
Pam Beesly
Or not adopt.
Michael Scott
Just do it, okay?
Pam Beesly
Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars.
Michael Scott
Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?
Pam Beesly
You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months.
Michael Scott
Eight months?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months.
Pam Beesly
You probably won't.
Michael Scott
You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby...
Pam Beesly
No, Michael.
Michael Scott
Twenty years.
Pam Beesly
No, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thirty.
Pam Beesly
Sure.
Michael Scott
It's a deal.

Scene 02

6 lines
Ryan Howard
All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms.
Michael Scott
Yesh.
Ryan Howard
Uh, fun jeans.
Michael Scott
Right there. Ah.
Angela Martin
Sign.
Michael Scott
Per diem.

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.

Scene 04

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
Don't be mad, it is a business trip.
Angela Martin
But I don't understand. It's for managers.
Dwight Schrute
Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager.
Angela Martin
I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. (A long silence.) Are you still there?
Dwight Schrute
Yes, Monkey.
Angela Martin
Don't "Monkey" me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M.

Scene 05

1 line
Angela Martin
In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut." What is... why are there flies in here?

Scene 06

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing?
Pam Beesly
This.
Kelly Kapoor
You look so pretty.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.

Scene 07

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that.

Scene 08

18 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power.
Michael Scott
Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?
Kelly Kapoor
My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.
Dwight Schrute
And your veil.
Michael Scott
Yeah, do it!
Pam Beesly
I'll probably just wear this.
Michael Scott
Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?
Pam Beesly
Um...
Michael Scott
Um. Okay, um.
Dwight Schrute
Um.
Michael Scott
You got that?
Dwight Schrute
I got it.
Michael Scott
Write it down.
Dwight Schrute
I got it.
Dwight Schrute
Um.
Michael Scott
Um.
Dwight & Michael
(singing) Um, um, um...

Scene 09

5 lines
Creed Bratton
There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?
Angela Martin
That was for per diem, for Philadelphia.
Meredith Palmer
That town smells like cheese steaks.
Angela Martin
That town is full of history!
Creed Bratton
Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. (introducing himself) Creed.

Scene 10

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?

Scene 11

4 lines
Josh
Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott
Hey, Josh, how ya doing?
Josh
Pretty good.
Michael Scott
Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns.

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

Scene 13

8 lines
Jim Halpert
It's really good to see you, man.
Michael Scott
Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, sold about forty thousand.
Michael Scott
Hey!
Dwight Schrute
Shut up. That's impossible.
Jim Halpert
No, it's not. I did. Yep.
Dwight Schrute
Well, I did it too.

Scene 14

1 line
Jim Halpert
You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.

Scene 15

5 lines
Kevin Malone
So did you hear?
Toby Flenderson
What?
Kevin Malone
Pam's back on the market again.
Toby Flenderson
Really? She's dating?
Kevin Malone
If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.

Scene 16

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
So what kind of commissions you get up there?
Jim Halpert
Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much.
Dwight Schrute
You're so immature!

Scene 17

15 lines
Josh
Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman.
Michael Scott
Ah.
Josh
And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford.
Jan Levinson
Oh, hey!
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Jan.
Jan Levinson
We all checked in?
Josh
Yes.
Jan Levinson
Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour.
Josh
Okay.
Jan Levinson
Okay!
Michael Scott
Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules.
Jan Levinson
What are you talking about?
Michael Scott
The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention.
Jan Levinson
Step away from me, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.

Scene 18

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Alan's cartoon is so funny, right?
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Kapoor
And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time.

Scene 19

20 lines
Dwight Schrute
This party is going to be awesome.
Michael Scott
I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.
Dwight Schrute
Check it out.
Michael Scott
That is crooked on that side.
Dwight Schrute
Wow.
Michael Scott
Hey hey!
Jim Halpert
That is a lot of liquor.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
And a dart board.
Michael Scott
Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop.
Josh
We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan.
Michael Scott
Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen?
Josh
A shot of MIDORI, perhaps.
Jim Halpert
Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there.
Michael Scott
Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
Josh
Um, we should...
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up.
Dwight Schrute
I'll do a shot, Michael.
Michael Scott
Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet.

Scene 20

1 line
Michael Scott
SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.

Scene 21

12 lines
Michael Scott
Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin.
Dwight Schrute
Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin.
Jerome Bettis
All right.
Dwight Schrute
I'm a huge fan.
Jerome Bettis
Thanks. I appreciate it, guys.
Michael Scott
You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come.
Jerome Bettis
All right, maybe. If I can.
Michael Scott
Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there?
Jerome Bettis
No, you cannot.
Michael Scott
So maybe. See ya.
Dwight Schrute
Why do they call him The Bus?
Michael Scott
Because he's afraid to fly.

Scene 22

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Smile!
Michael Scott
Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there!

Scene 23

10 lines
Josh
All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front.
Michael Scott
Yep. Yeah, she's up front.
Dwight Schrute
You don't have email on your phone.
Michael Scott
I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello?
Dwight Schrute
No one just called you.
Josh
All right.
Jim Halpert
All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care.
Ted
I'll see you soon.
Josh
Yeah, stop by later.
Michael Scott
(into phone) See you in a bit. Bye-bye. (to Dwight) May I have a moment of your time please?

Scene 24

4 lines
Michael Scott
I need you to do something for me.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. Anything.
Michael Scott
I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.
Dwight Schrute
I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat.

Scene 25

7 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hey! What's up?
Toby Flenderson
It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted...
Pam Beesly
(answering phone) Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. (hangs up) Sorry. What's up?
Toby Flenderson
Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here.
Toby Flenderson
Okay.

Scene 26

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera.
Michael Scott
And?
Dwight Schrute
He wasn't volunteering today.

Scene 27

10 lines
Michael Scott
Business has been pretty crazy around the office.
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk.
Jim Halpert
Oh, tell him I say hi.
Michael Scott
I will call him later with that message.
Jim Halpert
Hey, how is... Toby?
Michael Scott
Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?
Jim Halpert
Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to...
Michael Scott
Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.
Jim Halpert
Michael, it's really not a competition.

Scene 28

13 lines
Josh
Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow.
Jan Levinson
Great!
Michael Scott
Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip.
Dwight Schrute
Whoa. Michael.
Waiter
Wow, oh my God, thank you.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.
Dwight Schrute
Was that your per diem?
Michael Scott
No, that was a different hundred dollar bill.
Jan Levinson
What have you generated, Michael?
Michael Scott
I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening.
Jan Levinson
What party?
Michael Scott
The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited.
Jan Levinson
Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7.

Scene 29

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it.
Stanley Hudson
If you do that, you're going to have to put out.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.

Scene 30

2 lines
Angela Martin
Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you.
Michael Scott
Any messages for 308? All right.

Scene 31

14 lines
Michael Scott
Hey hey, fellers.
Jim Halpert
Michael.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott
What's up?
Josh
Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now.
Michael Scott
Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton.
Josh
I don't think so.
Michael Scott
Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend.
Josh
Fine! All right.
Michael Scott
Okay! Excellent. Oh...
Dwight Schrute
Keep the wing flaps.
Michael Scott
Shut it. (answering phone) Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. (to others) Say hi to Pam!
Jim & Josh & Dwight
Hi, Pam.
Michael Scott
Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. (to others) Pam says hi. (into phone) Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye.

Scene 32

12 lines
Michael Scott
You first.
Dwight Schrute
Come on. Nice try, Josh!
Michael Scott
Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing.
Josh
Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael.
Michael Scott
Well, let's...
Josh
Yeah, we should go.
Michael Scott
Come on!
Josh
We gotta go.
Michael Scott
Come on!
Josh
Uh... we'll do it later.
Evan
Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line?
Michael Scott
Fine.

Scene 33

4 lines
Michael Scott
Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work.
Evan
That is so true. Ready?
Michael Scott
Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for.
Evan
Great.

Scene 34

8 lines
Michael Scott
Sorry, my meeting ran late.
Jan Levinson
Really?
Michael Scott
Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill.
Josh
They're exclusive with Staples.
Michael Scott
Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! Ha!
Jan Levinson
Well, Michael, I underestimated you.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.

Scene 35

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.
Angela Martin
D?
Jim Halpert
Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!

Scene 36

7 lines
Kelly Kapoor
So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day.
Alan
Oh, great.
Ryan Howard
I don't want ketchup.
Kelly Kapoor
You love ketchup! He loves ketchup.
Pam Beesly
So how do you come up with your cartoons?
Alan
Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them.
Pam Beesly
You dream in cartoons? How fun!

Scene 37

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend.
Guy
I thought there was a party in here.
Michael Scott
This is the party.
Guy
This is room 308?
Michael Scott
Party central! So, what can I do you for? (Guy leaves) All right.

Scene 38

5 lines
Alan
See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels.
Pam Beesly
Huh.
Alan
(French accent) Freedom fries for the table.
Pam Beesly
Freedom fries. Yeah.
Alan
Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, "Don't be edgy." But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it.

Scene 39

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan.
Alan
Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain.
Pam Beesly
More freedom fries.
Alan
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
That's great.
Alan
Okay.

Scene 40

1 line
Pam Beesly
I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know.

Scene 41

31 lines
Jim Halpert
Michael. Am I the first to arrive?
Michael Scott
People have been filtering in and out.
Jim Halpert
Can I get a drink?
Michael Scott
What?
Jim Halpert
Can I get a drink?
Michael Scott
Sure. You like Cosmos?
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy?
Jim Halpert
Michael...
Michael Scott
I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just...
Jim Halpert
Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss.
Michael Scott
I'm not better than Josh.
Jim Halpert
Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam.
Michael Scott
Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now.
Jim Halpert
No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice.
Michael Scott
I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her.
Jim Halpert
Nope, that's okay.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
That's all right.
Michael Scott
I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Okay, maybe.
Evan
Are we early?
Michael Scott
Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Michael Scott
Evan, this is Jim.
Jim Halpert
How are you?
Evan
Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim.
Michael Scott
Hey, Ernie, how ya doing?
Evan
Do you guys work together?
Jim Halpert
No, we used to. Now we're friends.
Michael Scott
Best friends.

Scene 42

1 line
Michael Scott
Some people need dozens of friends to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm popular." But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly.

Scene 43

5 lines
Michael Scott
Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? (lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on) Ha, ha, ha.
Dwight Schrute
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael Scott
Whoa. What are those stains?
Dwight Schrute
Blood, urine, or semen.
Michael Scott
Oh, God, I hope it's urine.