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Season 3 Episode 2
The Convention

Every line from The Office episode "The Convention", season 3 episode 2.

Michael Scott: Pam?
Pam Beesly: Yeah?
Michael Scott: Did you see Oprah yesterday?
Pam Beesly: No, I didn't.
Michael Scott: I, uh... I am going to be a father.
Pam Beesly: What was Oprah about?
Michael Scott: Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost.
Pam Beesly: That's a really big decision.
Michael Scott: I know.
Pam Beesly: Maybe you should wait before you adopt.
Michael Scott: Well...
Pam Beesly: Or not adopt.
Michael Scott: Just do it, okay?
Pam Beesly: Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars.
Michael Scott: Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay?
Pam Beesly: You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months.
Michael Scott: Eight months?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months.
Pam Beesly: You probably won't.
Michael Scott: You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby...
Pam Beesly: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Twenty years.
Pam Beesly: No, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thirty.
Pam Beesly: Sure.
Michael Scott: It's a deal.
Ryan Howard: All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms.
Michael Scott: Yesh.
Ryan Howard: Uh, fun jeans.
Michael Scott: Right there. Ah.
Angela Martin: Sign.
Michael Scott: Per diem.
Michael Scott: Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.
Dwight Schrute: Don't be mad, it is a business trip.
Angela Martin: But I don't understand. It's for managers.
Dwight Schrute: Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager.
Angela Martin: I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. (A long silence.) Are you still there?
Dwight Schrute: Yes, Monkey.
Angela Martin: Don't "Monkey" me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M.
Angela Martin: In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut." What is... why are there flies in here?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing?
Pam Beesly: This.
Kelly Kapoor: You look so pretty.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Pam Beesly: Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power.
Michael Scott: Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom?
Kelly Kapoor: My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker.
Dwight Schrute: And your veil.
Michael Scott: Yeah, do it!
Pam Beesly: I'll probably just wear this.
Michael Scott: Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim?
Pam Beesly: Um...
Michael Scott: Um. Okay, um.
Dwight Schrute: Um.
Michael Scott: You got that?
Dwight Schrute: I got it.
Michael Scott: Write it down.
Dwight Schrute: I got it.
Dwight Schrute: Um.
Michael Scott: Um.
Dwight & Michael: (singing) Um, um, um...
Creed Bratton: There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?
Angela Martin: That was for per diem, for Philadelphia.
Meredith Palmer: That town smells like cheese steaks.
Angela Martin: That town is full of history!
Creed Bratton: Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. (introducing himself) Creed.
Dwight Schrute: Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back?
Josh: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: Hey, Josh, how ya doing?
Josh: Pretty good.
Michael Scott: Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns.
Michael Scott: I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.
Jim Halpert: It's really good to see you, man.
Michael Scott: Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, sold about forty thousand.
Michael Scott: Hey!
Dwight Schrute: Shut up. That's impossible.
Jim Halpert: No, it's not. I did. Yep.
Dwight Schrute: Well, I did it too.
Jim Halpert: You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key.
Kevin Malone: So did you hear?
Toby Flenderson: What?
Kevin Malone: Pam's back on the market again.
Toby Flenderson: Really? She's dating?
Kevin Malone: If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.
Dwight Schrute: So what kind of commissions you get up there?
Jim Halpert: Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much.
Dwight Schrute: You're so immature!
Josh: Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman.
Michael Scott: Ah.
Josh: And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford.
Jan Levinson: Oh, hey!
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Jan.
Jan Levinson: We all checked in?
Josh: Yes.
Jan Levinson: Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour.
Josh: Okay.
Jan Levinson: Okay!
Michael Scott: Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules.
Jan Levinson: What are you talking about?
Michael Scott: The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention.
Jan Levinson: Step away from me, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you.
Kelly Kapoor: Alan's cartoon is so funny, right?
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Kelly Kapoor: And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time.
Dwight Schrute: This party is going to be awesome.
Michael Scott: I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.
Dwight Schrute: Check it out.
Michael Scott: That is crooked on that side.
Dwight Schrute: Wow.
Michael Scott: Hey hey!
Jim Halpert: That is a lot of liquor.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: And a dart board.
Michael Scott: Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop.
Josh: We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan.
Michael Scott: Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen?
Josh: A shot of MIDORI, perhaps.
Jim Halpert: Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there.
Michael Scott: Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.
Josh: Um, we should...
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up.
Dwight Schrute: I'll do a shot, Michael.
Michael Scott: Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet.
Michael Scott: SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG.
Michael Scott: Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin.
Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin.
Jerome Bettis: All right.
Dwight Schrute: I'm a huge fan.
Jerome Bettis: Thanks. I appreciate it, guys.
Michael Scott: You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come.
Jerome Bettis: All right, maybe. If I can.
Michael Scott: Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there?
Jerome Bettis: No, you cannot.
Michael Scott: So maybe. See ya.
Dwight Schrute: Why do they call him The Bus?
Michael Scott: Because he's afraid to fly.
Dwight Schrute: Smile!
Michael Scott: Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there!
Josh: All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front.
Michael Scott: Yep. Yeah, she's up front.
Dwight Schrute: You don't have email on your phone.
Michael Scott: I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello?
Dwight Schrute: No one just called you.
Josh: All right.
Jim Halpert: All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care.
Ted: I'll see you soon.
Josh: Yeah, stop by later.
Michael Scott: (into phone) See you in a bit. Bye-bye. (to Dwight) May I have a moment of your time please?
Michael Scott: I need you to do something for me.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Anything.
Michael Scott: I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic.
Dwight Schrute: I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hey! What's up?
Toby Flenderson: It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted...
Pam Beesly: (answering phone) Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. (hangs up) Sorry. What's up?
Toby Flenderson: Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here.
Toby Flenderson: Okay.
Dwight Schrute: So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera.
Michael Scott: And?
Dwight Schrute: He wasn't volunteering today.
Michael Scott: Business has been pretty crazy around the office.
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk.
Jim Halpert: Oh, tell him I say hi.
Michael Scott: I will call him later with that message.
Jim Halpert: Hey, how is... Toby?
Michael Scott: Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left?
Jim Halpert: Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to...
Michael Scott: Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.
Jim Halpert: Michael, it's really not a competition.
Josh: Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow.
Jan Levinson: Great!
Michael Scott: Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip.
Dwight Schrute: Whoa. Michael.
Waiter: Wow, oh my God, thank you.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Dwight Schrute: Was that your per diem?
Michael Scott: No, that was a different hundred dollar bill.
Jan Levinson: What have you generated, Michael?
Michael Scott: I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening.
Jan Levinson: What party?
Michael Scott: The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited.
Jan Levinson: Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7.
Phyllis Vance: You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it.
Stanley Hudson: If you do that, you're going to have to put out.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.
Angela Martin: Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you.
Michael Scott: Any messages for 308? All right.
Michael Scott: Hey hey, fellers.
Jim Halpert: Michael.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, Michael.
Michael Scott: What's up?
Josh: Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now.
Michael Scott: Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton.
Josh: I don't think so.
Michael Scott: Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend.
Josh: Fine! All right.
Michael Scott: Okay! Excellent. Oh...
Dwight Schrute: Keep the wing flaps.
Michael Scott: Shut it. (answering phone) Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. (to others) Say hi to Pam!
Jim & Josh & Dwight: Hi, Pam.
Michael Scott: Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. (to others) Pam says hi. (into phone) Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye.
Michael Scott: You first.
Dwight Schrute: Come on. Nice try, Josh!
Michael Scott: Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing.
Josh: Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, let's...
Josh: Yeah, we should go.
Michael Scott: Come on!
Josh: We gotta go.
Michael Scott: Come on!
Josh: Uh... we'll do it later.
Evan: Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line?
Michael Scott: Fine.
Michael Scott: Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work.
Evan: That is so true. Ready?
Michael Scott: Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for.
Evan: Great.
Michael Scott: Sorry, my meeting ran late.
Jan Levinson: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill.
Josh: They're exclusive with Staples.
Michael Scott: Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! Ha!
Jan Levinson: Well, Michael, I underestimated you.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.
Jim Halpert: Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard.
Angela Martin: D?
Jim Halpert: Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!
Kelly Kapoor: So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day.
Alan: Oh, great.
Ryan Howard: I don't want ketchup.
Kelly Kapoor: You love ketchup! He loves ketchup.
Pam Beesly: So how do you come up with your cartoons?
Alan: Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them.
Pam Beesly: You dream in cartoons? How fun!
Michael Scott: Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend.
Guy: I thought there was a party in here.
Michael Scott: This is the party.
Guy: This is room 308?
Michael Scott: Party central! So, what can I do you for? (Guy leaves) All right.
Alan: See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels.
Pam Beesly: Huh.
Alan: (French accent) Freedom fries for the table.
Pam Beesly: Freedom fries. Yeah.
Alan: Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, "Don't be edgy." But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it.
Pam Beesly: Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan.
Alan: Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain.
Pam Beesly: More freedom fries.
Alan: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: That's great.
Alan: Okay.
Pam Beesly: I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know.
Jim Halpert: Michael. Am I the first to arrive?
Michael Scott: People have been filtering in and out.
Jim Halpert: Can I get a drink?
Michael Scott: What?
Jim Halpert: Can I get a drink?
Michael Scott: Sure. You like Cosmos?
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy?
Jim Halpert: Michael...
Michael Scott: I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just...
Jim Halpert: Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss.
Michael Scott: I'm not better than Josh.
Jim Halpert: Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam.
Michael Scott: Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now.
Jim Halpert: No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her.
Jim Halpert: Nope, that's okay.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: That's all right.
Michael Scott: I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Okay, maybe.
Evan: Are we early?
Michael Scott: Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Michael Scott: Evan, this is Jim.
Jim Halpert: How are you?
Evan: Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim.
Michael Scott: Hey, Ernie, how ya doing?
Evan: Do you guys work together?
Jim Halpert: No, we used to. Now we're friends.
Michael Scott: Best friends.
Michael Scott: Some people need dozens of friends to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm popular." But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly.
Michael Scott: Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? (lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on) Ha, ha, ha.
Dwight Schrute: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Michael Scott: Whoa. What are those stains?
Dwight Schrute: Blood, urine, or semen.
Michael Scott: Oh, God, I hope it's urine.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 2 season 3. The Convention is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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