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Season 3 Episode 20
Product Recall

Every line from The Office episode "Product Recall", season 3 episode 20.

Jim Halpert: (Dressed as Dwight) It's kind of blurry. (puts on his glasses) That's better. (exhales) Question. What kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert: False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute: Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought---
Jim Halpert: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight Schrute: Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!
Jim Halpert: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... (Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch) eleven dollars.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. (Jim places a bobble-head on his desk) Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim Halpert: ... MICHAEL!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!
Pam Beesly: (on phone) Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?
Jim Halpert: (on phone) Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this.
Phyllis Vance: (on phone) I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this.
Stanley Hudson: (on phone) I am upset. Don't I sound upset?
Michael Scott: (on phone) It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.
Michael Scott: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.
Michael Scott: Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.
Dwight Schrute: Cri-Man-Squa?
Michael Scott: Crisis Management Squad.
Ryan Howard: F and C, doubletime?
Michael Scott: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim Halpert: One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael Scott: To save time, Jim.
Karen Filippelli: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.
Michael Scott: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Creed Bratton: Here.
Michael Scott: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
Creed Bratton: Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
Michael Scott: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
Oscar Martinez: That's really not our job.
Michael Scott: Midnight, Oscar! Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first.
Angela Martin: Kelly's training us?
Kelly Kapoor: This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-
Angela Martin: (getting a pill from the bottle) I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.
Michael Scott: Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I gotta call out on that.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Michael Scott: I want you to bring a partner.
Ryan Howard: I'll go.
Michael Scott: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go.
Andy Bernard: (English accent) William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.
Michael Scott: No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! You are entering the "No Spin Zone!"
Pam Beesly: We're having a press conference?
Michael Scott: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Dwight Schrute: Not! (scoffs)
Michael Scott: Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.
Michael Scott: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.
Jim Halpert: Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Michael Scott: Here is your headline. "Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done." Okay? Battle stations everybody, let's go, go, go, go, go, go!
Creed Bratton: Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.
Creed Bratton: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.
Kelly Kapoor: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. (Kelly and Kevin clap)
Oscar Martinez: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly Kapoor: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela Martin: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly Kapoor: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "Customer Service, this is Kelly!" Except don't say "Kelly," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (in an English accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Kevin Malone: Oh! Can I be (horrible Australian accent) Australian, mate?
Kelly Kapoor: (in accent) Absolutely!
Kevin Malone: (in accent) 'ello, mate!
Kelly Kapoor: (in accent) I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Kevin Malone: (in accent) I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.
Andy Bernard: Beer me!
Jim Halpert: What's that?
Andy Bernard: Hand me that water. I always say "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name?
Jim Halpert: You know her name.
Andy Bernard: Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. (takes swig of water) Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'?
Jim Halpert: It's fine.
Andy Bernard: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.
Jim Halpert: What about music? Do you have any music?
Andy Bernard: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. (sings) Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa--
Jim Halpert: I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD.
Andy Bernard: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.
Jim Halpert: Lord, beer me strength.
Andy Bernard: So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim Halpert: Did that really need to be said?
Andy Bernard: Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.
Andy Bernard: Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here?
Jim Halpert: Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
Andy Bernard: No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Jim Halpert: Which one... is she?
Andy Bernard: The one in the green hoodie.
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Andy Bernard: I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something?
Jim Halpert: No, I don't think so.
Andy Bernard: She's like, probably a tutor.
Jim Halpert: Nope.
Andy Bernard: She probably a t--
Jim Halpert: No.
Andy Bernard: Sh---
Jim Halpert: No.
Michael Scott: OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
Dwight Schrute: On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.
Dwight Schrute: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow, I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.
Dwight Schrute: (Chad Lite walks in the door) (to Office workers) Hey! (snaps twice) Look sharp! (to Chad Lite) Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.
Chad Lite: Hi, uh---
Dwight Schrute: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.
Chad Lite: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, "Lighter Side of Life."
Dwight Schrute: And "Breaking Corporate News."
Chad Lite: And obits.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance.
Chad Lite: Oh...
Dwight Schrute: Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Chad Lite: Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh---
Dwight Schrute: (shuts door on him) Great.
Jim Halpert: Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably...
Andy Bernard: Jamie!
Jim Halpert: Andy--- Ohh...
Andy Bernard: What are you doing here?
Jamie: Andy?
Andy Bernard: Are you a student here?
Jamie: Oh... yeah...
Andy Bernard: You never told me you were in high-school!
Jamie: This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish.
Andy Bernard: OH MY GOD!
Jim Halpert: Oh my God.
Andy Bernard: I had no idea.
Jim Halpert: Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy Bernard: Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Kevin Malone: (on phone) Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am so sorry.
Oscar Martinez: (on phone) Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale.
Angela Martin: (on phone) Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. (hangs up)
Kelly Kapoor: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?
Creed Bratton: When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Dwight Schrute: Emergency dentist appointment.
Creed Bratton: Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.
Pam Beesly: Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye.
Barbara: Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.
Michael Scott: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.
Dwight Schrute: (snaps picture with his camera phone) You look good in this.
Michael Scott: So, let us consider this matter ended.
Barbara: Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I--- I could have lost business.
Michael Scott: I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.
Barbara: I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Michael Scott: Well, we are extremely sorry.
Barbara: I don't accept.
School Official: I'll be with you in a moment.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Andy Bernard: Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
Jim Halpert: Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.
Andy Bernard: But who was that guy?
Jim Halpert: Probably another high-school student.
School Official: The issue with the watermark is very serious.
Jim Halpert: Absolutely.
School Official: We teach our students that character counts.
Jim Halpert: And you should.
School Official: But---
Andy Bernard: (scoffs) Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.
Jim Halpert: Andy... is having a real rough day today.
Andy Bernard: I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words---
Jim Halpert: "Good luck."
Andy Bernard: That's not what I had in mind.
Kelly Kapoor: Ask where he's from.
Angela Martin: (on phone) Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? (to Kelly) He's upset about the watermark.
Kelly Kapoor: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry.
Angela Martin: (on phone) It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already got your money back...
Kelly Kapoor: And you're sorry.
Angela Martin: ...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. (hangs up) (to Kelly) I think he had Tourette's or something!
Michael Scott: We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
Barbara: Well, it--- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me.
Michael Scott: The watermark... it's a one time thing.
Barbara: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight Schrute: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael Scott: OK...
Dwight Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Michael Scott: What... can I do, for you?
Barbara: I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Michael Scott: Well... (exhales) OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill---
Barbara: You're the head---
Michael Scott: The guys at the papermill--- No no no!
Barbara: You're the head of the company!
Michael Scott: I'm the head of the company?!
Barbara: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility---
Michael Scott: No, I'm a regional manager---
Barbara: And so you should lose your job!
Michael Scott: No--- my--- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Barbara: Fine.
Michael Scott: That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: It's non-transferable...
Michael Scott: Doesn't matter. Out please!
Barbara: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! (to Chad Lite) Did you get all that?
Chad Lite: Everything.
Michael Scott: We gotta do something. (exhales) This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not...
Pam Beesly: It's just the Scranton Times...
Michael Scott: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...
Pam Beesly: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Michael Scott: You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. (pulls out a video camcorder from his desk) Do you know what this is for?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch.
Michael Scott: (Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair) OK, I think that's good.
Michael Scott: "Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that."
Dwight Schrute: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Michael Scott: That's how devoted I am to this job.
Dwight Schrute: I'm just saying...
Michael Scott: I know.
Dwight Schrute: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
Michael Scott: I understand that, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Michael Scott: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Dwight Schrute: Cut.
Michael Scott: So I'll know where---
Pam Beesly: Cut.
Michael Scott: I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Pam Beesly: Cut.
Michael Scott: OK, ready?
Angela Martin: Kevin, what's four plus seven?
Kevin Malone: (thinks) Eleven.
Angela Martin: Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.
Oscar Martinez: (laughs) Yes. (air high five)
Angela Martin: You two are apes.
Oscar Martinez: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
Angela Martin: I'm sorry... that you're both morons.
Kevin Malone: Oh, but you still said "I'm sorry."
Angela Martin: I called you morons.
Kevin Malone: Still said it.
Oscar Martinez: Still said it, so... (Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five)
Michael Scott: Five, four, three. "There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
Pam Beesly: One day for what?
Michael Scott: That's... they always give an ultimatum.
Pam Beesly: OK.
Michael Scott: Good, cut?
Pam Beesly: Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Michael Scott: Thought so too.
Creed Bratton: (to Dwight) Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children.
Creed Bratton: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic.
Jim Halpert: You want music?
Andy Bernard: I don't care.
Jim Halpert: Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: (singing the intro to The Lion King's "The Lion Sleeps Tonight") A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard: You know what--- I don't---
Jim Halpert: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard: (Joins in with classic Andy falsetto) Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim Halpert: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim Halpert: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard: Sweet.
Dwight Schrute: (walks in dressed as Jim) Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Karen Filippelli: Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim Halpert: Do you?
Karen Filippelli: No.
Jim Halpert: OK.
Karen Filippelli: I'm good. Thanks.
Jim Halpert: (Dwight imitates the "Jim face") Look at that.
Dwight Schrute: I'm Jim Halpert. (more horrible "Jim faces")
Jim Halpert: Spot on.
Dwight Schrute: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 20 season 3. Product Recall is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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