Scene 016 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (Dressed as Dwight) It's kind of blurry. (puts on his glasses) That's better. (exhales) Question. What kind of bear is best?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's a ridiculous question.Jim HalpertOpen quote: False. Black bear.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought---Jim HalpertOpen quote: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!
Scene 021 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... (Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch) eleven dollars.
Scene 033 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. (Jim places a bobble-head on his desk) Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!Jim HalpertOpen quote: ... MICHAEL!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!
Scene 045 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (on phone) Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?Jim HalpertOpen quote: (on phone) Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: (on phone) I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: (on phone) I am upset. Don't I sound upset?Michael ScottOpen quote: (on phone) It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.
Scene 051 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.
Scene 0612 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Cri-Man-Squa?Michael ScottOpen quote: Crisis Management Squad.Ryan HowardOpen quote: F and C, doubletime?Michael ScottOpen quote: Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?Jim HalpertOpen quote: One more. Why are you talking like that?Michael ScottOpen quote: To save time, Jim.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?Creed BrattonOpen quote: Here.Michael ScottOpen quote: Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
Scene 071 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
Scene 084 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: That's really not our job.Michael ScottOpen quote: Midnight, Oscar! Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first.Angela MartinOpen quote: Kelly's training us?
Scene 091 lineKelly KapoorOpen quote: This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-
Scene 101 lineAngela MartinOpen quote: (getting a pill from the bottle) I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.
Scene 1114 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, I gotta call out on that.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right.Michael ScottOpen quote: I want you to bring a partner.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I'll go.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go.Andy BernardOpen quote: (English accent) William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes! You are entering the "No Spin Zone!"Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We're having a press conference?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not! (scoffs)
Scene 121 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.
Scene 133 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, did the press ask for a story?Michael ScottOpen quote: Here is your headline. "Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done." Okay? Battle stations everybody, let's go, go, go, go, go, go!
Scene 141 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.
Scene 151 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.
Scene 1610 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. (Kelly and Kevin clap)Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I know, right? Probably a lot.Angela MartinOpen quote: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "Customer Service, this is Kelly!" Except don't say "Kelly," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (in an English accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh! Can I be (horrible Australian accent) Australian, mate?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: (in accent) Absolutely!Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (in accent) 'ello, mate!Kelly KapoorOpen quote: (in accent) I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (in accent) I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.
Scene 1711 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Beer me!Jim HalpertOpen quote: What's that?Andy BernardOpen quote: Hand me that water. I always say "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know her name.Andy BernardOpen quote: Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. (takes swig of water) Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'?Jim HalpertOpen quote: It's fine.Andy BernardOpen quote: Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What about music? Do you have any music?Andy BernardOpen quote: Uh, yeah. Should have said so. (sings) Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa--Jim HalpertOpen quote: I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD.Andy BernardOpen quote: Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.
Scene 193 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Did that really need to be said?Andy BernardOpen quote: Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.
Scene 2014 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, is she that teacher in the white?Andy BernardOpen quote: No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Which one... is she?Andy BernardOpen quote: The one in the green hoodie.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow.Andy BernardOpen quote: I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I don't think so.Andy BernardOpen quote: She's like, probably a tutor.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nope.Andy BernardOpen quote: She probably a t--Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Andy BernardOpen quote: Sh---Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.
Scene 212 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.
Scene 221 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow, I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.
Scene 2311 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (Chad Lite walks in the door) (to Office workers) Hey! (snaps twice) Look sharp! (to Chad Lite) Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.Chad LiteOpen quote: Hi, uh---Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.Chad LiteOpen quote: Scranton Times. Chad Lite, "Lighter Side of Life."Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And "Breaking Corporate News."Chad LiteOpen quote: And obits.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance.Chad LiteOpen quote: Oh...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?Chad LiteOpen quote: Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh---Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (shuts door on him) Great.
Scene 2414 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably...Andy BernardOpen quote: Jamie!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Andy--- Ohh...Andy BernardOpen quote: What are you doing here?JamieOpen quote: Andy?Andy BernardOpen quote: Are you a student here?JamieOpen quote: Oh... yeah...Andy BernardOpen quote: You never told me you were in high-school!JamieOpen quote: This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish.Andy BernardOpen quote: OH MY GOD!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh my God.Andy BernardOpen quote: I had no idea.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.Andy BernardOpen quote: Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Scene 254 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (on phone) Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am so sorry.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (on phone) Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale.Angela MartinOpen quote: (on phone) Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. (hangs up)Kelly KapoorOpen quote: OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?
Scene 263 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Emergency dentist appointment.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.
Scene 272 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye.BarbaraOpen quote: Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Scene 281 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.
Scene 298 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (snaps picture with his camera phone) You look good in this.Michael ScottOpen quote: So, let us consider this matter ended.BarbaraOpen quote: Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I--- I could have lost business.Michael ScottOpen quote: I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.BarbaraOpen quote: I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, we are extremely sorry.BarbaraOpen quote: I don't accept.
Scene 302 linesSchool OfficialOpen quote: I'll be with you in a moment.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right.
Scene 314 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.Andy BernardOpen quote: But who was that guy?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Probably another high-school student.
Scene 3210 linesSchool OfficialOpen quote: The issue with the watermark is very serious.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Absolutely.School OfficialOpen quote: We teach our students that character counts.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And you should.School OfficialOpen quote: But---Andy BernardOpen quote: (scoffs) Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Andy... is having a real rough day today.Andy BernardOpen quote: I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words---Jim HalpertOpen quote: "Good luck."Andy BernardOpen quote: That's not what I had in mind.
Scene 336 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: Ask where he's from.Angela MartinOpen quote: (on phone) Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? (to Kelly) He's upset about the watermark.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry.Angela MartinOpen quote: (on phone) It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already got your money back...Kelly KapoorOpen quote: And you're sorry.Angela MartinOpen quote: ...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. (hangs up) (to Kelly) I think he had Tourette's or something!
Scene 346 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.BarbaraOpen quote: Well, it--- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me.Michael ScottOpen quote: The watermark... it's a one time thing.BarbaraOpen quote: I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK...
Scene 351 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
Scene 3619 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: What... can I do, for you?BarbaraOpen quote: I, for starters, I think that you should resign.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well... (exhales) OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill---BarbaraOpen quote: You're the head---Michael ScottOpen quote: The guys at the papermill--- No no no!BarbaraOpen quote: You're the head of the company!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm the head of the company?!BarbaraOpen quote: Yes, and that makes it your responsibility---Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I'm a regional manager---BarbaraOpen quote: And so you should lose your job!Michael ScottOpen quote: No--- my--- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!BarbaraOpen quote: Fine.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.BarbaraOpen quote: Mm-hmm.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's non-transferable...Michael ScottOpen quote: Doesn't matter. Out please!BarbaraOpen quote: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! (to Chad Lite) Did you get all that?Chad LiteOpen quote: Everything.
Scene 376 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: We gotta do something. (exhales) This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's just the Scranton Times...Michael ScottOpen quote: No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.Michael ScottOpen quote: You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. (pulls out a video camcorder from his desk) Do you know what this is for?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes.
Scene 381 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch.
Scene 391 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair) OK, I think that's good.
Scene 4015 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: "Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that."Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's how devoted I am to this job.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm just saying...Michael ScottOpen quote: I know.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.Michael ScottOpen quote: I understand that, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.Michael ScottOpen quote: Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Cut.Michael ScottOpen quote: So I'll know where---Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Cut.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm asking Pam to do it, please.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Cut.Michael ScottOpen quote: OK, ready?
Scene 4112 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: Kevin, what's four plus seven?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: (thinks) Eleven.Angela MartinOpen quote: Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: (laughs) Yes. (air high five)Angela MartinOpen quote: You two are apes.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.Angela MartinOpen quote: I'm sorry... that you're both morons.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, but you still said "I'm sorry."Angela MartinOpen quote: I called you morons.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Still said it.Oscar MartinezOpen quote: Still said it, so... (Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five)
Scene 427 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Five, four, three. "There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."Pam BeeslyOpen quote: One day for what?Michael ScottOpen quote: That's... they always give an ultimatum.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: OK.Michael ScottOpen quote: Good, cut?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Cut. That was your best apology video ever.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thought so too.
Scene 431 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: (to Dwight) Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children.
Scene 441 lineCreed BrattonOpen quote: I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic.
Scene 4512 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: You want music?Andy BernardOpen quote: I don't care.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (singing the intro to The Lion King's "The Lion Sleeps Tonight") A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...Andy BernardOpen quote: You know what--- I don't---Jim HalpertOpen quote: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...Andy BernardOpen quote: (Joins in with classic Andy falsetto) Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!Jim HalpertOpen quote: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...Andy BernardOpen quote: Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!Jim HalpertOpen quote: A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...Andy BernardOpen quote: Sweet.
Scene 4613 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (walks in dressed as Jim) Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (scoffs) Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Do you?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: No.Jim HalpertOpen quote: OK.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I'm good. Thanks.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (Dwight imitates the "Jim face") Look at that.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm Jim Halpert. (more horrible "Jim faces")Jim HalpertOpen quote: Spot on.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.