Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Product Recall

Vol. 3 · Issue 20Scranton, PA

Every line from "Product Recall" is right here, including Jim's iconic "Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica" prank. You'll find the full script covering Michael’s PR nightmare with the obscene watermark and Creed’s frantic mission to save his own job. It’s all the dialogue from when Andy finds out his girlfriend is still in high school and Kelly tries to teach the accountants how to be "pep-pep-peppy."

Scene 01

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(Dressed as Dwight) It's kind of blurry. (puts on his glasses) That's better. (exhales) Question. What kind of bear is best?
Dwight Schrute
That's a ridiculous question.
Jim Halpert
False. Black bear.
Dwight Schrute
Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought---
Jim Halpert
Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight Schrute
Bears do not--- What is going on--- What are you doing?!

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... (Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch) eleven dollars.

Scene 03

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. (Jim places a bobble-head on his desk) Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim Halpert
... MICHAEL!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!

Scene 04

5 lines
Pam Beesly
(on phone) Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations?
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this.
Phyllis Vance
(on phone) I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this.
Stanley Hudson
(on phone) I am upset. Don't I sound upset?
Michael Scott
(on phone) It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan.

Scene 06

12 lines
Michael Scott
Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime.
Dwight Schrute
Cri-Man-Squa?
Michael Scott
Crisis Management Squad.
Ryan Howard
F and C, doubletime?
Michael Scott
Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions?
Jim Halpert
One more. Why are you talking like that?
Michael Scott
To save time, Jim.
Karen Filippelli
Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time.
Michael Scott
You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed?
Creed Bratton
Here.
Michael Scott
Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.

Scene 07

1 line
Creed Bratton
Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.

Scene 08

4 lines
Michael Scott
We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
Oscar Martinez
That's really not our job.
Michael Scott
Midnight, Oscar! Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first.
Angela Martin
Kelly's training us?

Scene 09

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-

Scene 10

1 line
Angela Martin
(getting a pill from the bottle) I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.

Scene 11

14 lines
Michael Scott
Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I gotta call out on that.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Michael Scott
I want you to bring a partner.
Ryan Howard
I'll go.
Michael Scott
No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go.
Andy Bernard
(English accent) William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone.
Michael Scott
No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Dwight Schrute
Yes! You are entering the "No Spin Zone!"
Pam Beesly
We're having a press conference?
Michael Scott
No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves.
Dwight Schrute
Not! (scoffs)

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J.

Scene 13

3 lines
Michael Scott
I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story.
Jim Halpert
Oh, did the press ask for a story?
Michael Scott
Here is your headline. "Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done." Okay? Battle stations everybody, let's go, go, go, go, go, go!

Scene 14

1 line
Creed Bratton
Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect.

Scene 15

1 line
Creed Bratton
The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.

Scene 16

10 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. (Kelly and Kevin clap)
Oscar Martinez
I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly Kapoor
I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela Martin
Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly Kapoor
OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "Customer Service, this is Kelly!" Except don't say "Kelly," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (in an English accent) and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Kevin Malone
Oh! Can I be (horrible Australian accent) Australian, mate?
Kelly Kapoor
(in accent) Absolutely!
Kevin Malone
(in accent) 'ello, mate!
Kelly Kapoor
(in accent) I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Kevin Malone
(in accent) I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.

Scene 17

11 lines
Andy Bernard
Beer me!
Jim Halpert
What's that?
Andy Bernard
Hand me that water. I always say "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name?
Jim Halpert
You know her name.
Andy Bernard
Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. (takes swig of water) Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'?
Jim Halpert
It's fine.
Andy Bernard
Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet.
Jim Halpert
What about music? Do you have any music?
Andy Bernard
Uh, yeah. Should have said so. (sings) Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa--
Jim Halpert
I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD.
Andy Bernard
Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc.

Scene 18

1 line
Jim Halpert
Lord, beer me strength.

Scene 19

3 lines
Andy Bernard
So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay?
Jim Halpert
Did that really need to be said?
Andy Bernard
Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation.

Scene 20

14 lines
Andy Bernard
Whoa! What the--- Why is my girlfriend here?
Jim Halpert
Oh, is she that teacher in the white?
Andy Bernard
No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Jim Halpert
Which one... is she?
Andy Bernard
The one in the green hoodie.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Andy Bernard
I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something?
Jim Halpert
No, I don't think so.
Andy Bernard
She's like, probably a tutor.
Jim Halpert
Nope.
Andy Bernard
She probably a t--
Jim Halpert
No.
Andy Bernard
Sh---
Jim Halpert
No.

Scene 21

2 lines
Michael Scott
OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
Dwight Schrute
On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair.

Scene 22

1 line
Dwight Schrute
First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow, I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets.

Scene 23

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Chad Lite walks in the door) (to Office workers) Hey! (snaps twice) Look sharp! (to Chad Lite) Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute.
Chad Lite
Hi, uh---
Dwight Schrute
And you must be uh, from the Washington Post.
Chad Lite
Scranton Times. Chad Lite, "Lighter Side of Life."
Dwight Schrute
And "Breaking Corporate News."
Chad Lite
And obits.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance.
Chad Lite
Oh...
Dwight Schrute
Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage?
Chad Lite
Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh---
Dwight Schrute
(shuts door on him) Great.

Scene 24

14 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably...
Andy Bernard
Jamie!
Jim Halpert
Andy--- Ohh...
Andy Bernard
What are you doing here?
Jamie
Andy?
Andy Bernard
Are you a student here?
Jamie
Oh... yeah...
Andy Bernard
You never told me you were in high-school!
Jamie
This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish.
Andy Bernard
OH MY GOD!
Jim Halpert
Oh my God.
Andy Bernard
I had no idea.
Jim Halpert
Well... that's not gonna hold up in court.
Andy Bernard
Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.

Scene 25

4 lines
Kevin Malone
(on phone) Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am so sorry.
Oscar Martinez
(on phone) Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale.
Angela Martin
(on phone) Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. (hangs up)
Kelly Kapoor
OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing?

Scene 26

3 lines
Creed Bratton
When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Dwight Schrute
Emergency dentist appointment.
Creed Bratton
Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this.

Scene 27

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye.
Barbara
Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott.

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.

Scene 29

8 lines
Michael Scott
And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first.
Dwight Schrute
(snaps picture with his camera phone) You look good in this.
Michael Scott
So, let us consider this matter ended.
Barbara
Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I--- I could have lost business.
Michael Scott
I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry.
Barbara
I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Michael Scott
Well, we are extremely sorry.
Barbara
I don't accept.

Scene 30

2 lines
School Official
I'll be with you in a moment.
Jim Halpert
All right.

Scene 31

4 lines
Andy Bernard
Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker.
Jim Halpert
Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony.
Andy Bernard
But who was that guy?
Jim Halpert
Probably another high-school student.

Scene 32

10 lines
School Official
The issue with the watermark is very serious.
Jim Halpert
Absolutely.
School Official
We teach our students that character counts.
Jim Halpert
And you should.
School Official
But---
Andy Bernard
(scoffs) Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch.
Jim Halpert
Andy... is having a real rough day today.
Andy Bernard
I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words---
Jim Halpert
"Good luck."
Andy Bernard
That's not what I had in mind.

Scene 33

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Ask where he's from.
Angela Martin
(on phone) Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? (to Kelly) He's upset about the watermark.
Kelly Kapoor
OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry.
Angela Martin
(on phone) It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already got your money back...
Kelly Kapoor
And you're sorry.
Angela Martin
...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. (hangs up) (to Kelly) I think he had Tourette's or something!

Scene 34

6 lines
Michael Scott
We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
Barbara
Well, it--- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me.
Michael Scott
The watermark... it's a one time thing.
Barbara
I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight Schrute
May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Michael Scott
OK...

Scene 35

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Scene 36

19 lines
Michael Scott
What... can I do, for you?
Barbara
I, for starters, I think that you should resign.
Michael Scott
Well... (exhales) OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill---
Barbara
You're the head---
Michael Scott
The guys at the papermill--- No no no!
Barbara
You're the head of the company!
Michael Scott
I'm the head of the company?!
Barbara
Yes, and that makes it your responsibility---
Michael Scott
No, I'm a regional manager---
Barbara
And so you should lose your job!
Michael Scott
No--- my--- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out!
Barbara
Fine.
Michael Scott
That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
Barbara
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
It's non-transferable...
Michael Scott
Doesn't matter. Out please!
Barbara
I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! (to Chad Lite) Did you get all that?
Chad Lite
Everything.

Scene 37

6 lines
Michael Scott
We gotta do something. (exhales) This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not...
Pam Beesly
It's just the Scranton Times...
Michael Scott
No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it...
Pam Beesly
You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two.
Michael Scott
You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. (pulls out a video camcorder from his desk) Do you know what this is for?
Pam Beesly
Yes.

Scene 38

1 line
Pam Beesly
Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch.

Scene 39

1 line
Michael Scott
(Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair) OK, I think that's good.

Scene 40

15 lines
Michael Scott
"Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that."
Dwight Schrute
Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team.
Michael Scott
That's how devoted I am to this job.
Dwight Schrute
I'm just saying...
Michael Scott
I know.
Dwight Schrute
They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade.
Michael Scott
I understand that, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb.
Michael Scott
Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut?
Dwight Schrute
Cut.
Michael Scott
So I'll know where---
Pam Beesly
Cut.
Michael Scott
I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Pam Beesly
Cut.
Michael Scott
OK, ready?

Scene 41

12 lines
Angela Martin
Kevin, what's four plus seven?
Kevin Malone
(thinks) Eleven.
Angela Martin
Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form.
Kevin Malone
Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial.
Oscar Martinez
(laughs) Yes. (air high five)
Angela Martin
You two are apes.
Oscar Martinez
I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
Angela Martin
I'm sorry... that you're both morons.
Kevin Malone
Oh, but you still said "I'm sorry."
Angela Martin
I called you morons.
Kevin Malone
Still said it.
Oscar Martinez
Still said it, so... (Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five)

Scene 42

7 lines
Michael Scott
Five, four, three. "There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day."
Pam Beesly
One day for what?
Michael Scott
That's... they always give an ultimatum.
Pam Beesly
OK.
Michael Scott
Good, cut?
Pam Beesly
Cut. That was your best apology video ever.
Michael Scott
Thought so too.

Scene 43

1 line
Creed Bratton
(to Dwight) Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children.

Scene 44

1 line
Creed Bratton
I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic.

Scene 45

12 lines
Jim Halpert
You want music?
Andy Bernard
I don't care.
Jim Halpert
Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
(singing the intro to The Lion King's "The Lion Sleeps Tonight") A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard
You know what--- I don't---
Jim Halpert
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard
(Joins in with classic Andy falsetto) Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim Halpert
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard
Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube!
Jim Halpert
A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh...
Andy Bernard
Sweet.

Scene 46

13 lines
Dwight Schrute
(walks in dressed as Jim) Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen.
Karen Filippelli
Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend?
Jim Halpert
Do you?
Karen Filippelli
No.
Jim Halpert
OK.
Karen Filippelli
I'm good. Thanks.
Jim Halpert
(Dwight imitates the "Jim face") Look at that.
Dwight Schrute
I'm Jim Halpert. (more horrible "Jim faces")
Jim Halpert
Spot on.
Dwight Schrute
Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh.