Every line from The Office episode "Women's Appreciation", season 3 episode 21.
Jim Halpert: (to Pam) Hey.
Jim Halpert: (Dwight hands Jim a piece of paper) Oh, what's this?
Dwight Schrute: That is a demerit.
Jim Halpert: (reads demerit) "Jim Halpert, tardiness." Ugh. I love it already.
Dwight Schrute: You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean?
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those.
Jim Halpert: Lay it on me.
Dwight Schrute: Three demerits and you'll receive a citation.
Jim Halpert: Now that sounds serious.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior.
Jim Halpert: Which would be me.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct.
Jim Halpert: OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation.
Dwight Schrute: What's a dis... what's that?
Jim Halpert: Oh, you don't want to know.
Pam Beesly: (door opens) Hey, Phyllis. You all right?
Phyllis Vance: I think I just got flashed.
Pam Beesly: What? Really?
Phyllis Vance: In the parking lot.
Dwight Schrute: (jumps out of his chair and runs for the door) Move!
Jim Halpert: OK, I'll call the real police.
Andy Bernard: What happened? What can I do to help?
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) OK.
Andy Bernard: I'll check the web.
Jim Halpert: (on the phone) Thank you. (hangs up the phone) The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls.
Pam Beesly: (to Phyllis) Can you tell us what happened?
Phyllis Vance: Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map.
Angela Martin: Phyllis. You're a married woman.
Creed Bratton: The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss?
Pam Beesly: (whispering) It's just, like, so creepy.
Ryan Howard: (whispering) Yeah. (Pam and Ryan whispering)
Michael Scott: What's happening?
Pam Beesly: Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot.
Michael Scott: Really? Is she OK?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down.
Michael Scott: OK. (deep breath) Phyllis, you say? (snorts) Hmm. (suppressed laugher)
Angela Martin: What is so funny?
Michael Scott: Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind?
Kevin Malone: I'm guessing not.
Michael Scott: (laughing softly) I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it.
Jim Halpert: Mm... not really, no.
Pam Beesly: It's disgusting and demeaning.
Michael Scott: Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? (everyone glares) OK. (Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper) He's back! (laughs) OK. Hmm. (babbling with his coat pulled closed) Waagh! (flashes everyone)
Toby Flenderson: Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the...
Michael Scott: What? Oh. (makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down)
Toby Flenderson: What's going on?
Michael Scott: Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... (laughs)
Toby Flenderson: I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response.
Michael Scott: Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul.
Toby Flenderson: I don't think the women in this office -
Michael Scott: Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher.
Toby Flenderson: I was at a parent-teacher conference.
Michael Scott: Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. (everyone is shocked) (exhales)I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong.
Jan Levinson: (on speakerphone) Michael, ...
Jan Levinson: ...come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body.
Michael Scott: I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls -
Jan Levinson: I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser.
Michael Scott: Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable.
Michael Scott: I... uh, well, I don't know.
Jan Levinson: You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka, OK? Hunter, are you on?
Hunter: (on speakerphone) You got it, Jan.
Michael Scott: (exhales) I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house.
Dwight Schrute: Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on.
Dwight Schrute: (lays a folder full of pictures on Michael's desk) There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert.
Michael Scott: This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Look at that one.
Michael Scott: Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. (Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand)
Michael Scott: Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say.
Dwight Schrute: Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force.
Jim Halpert: (raises hand) Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces?
Dwight Schrute: Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. (Pam nods) Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Dwight Schrute: Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody.
Phyllis Vance: I didn't really get a good look.
Pam Beesly: That's OK. I don't feel like answering phones.
Karen Filippelli: Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? (reads memo) "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen.
Karen Filippelli: Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting.
Dwight Schrute: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Pam Beesly: (reads memo) "Sleeves down to the wrists, buttoned-up collars, and muted colors." Nobody dress like that. (camera pans over to Angela)
Michael Scott: OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that.
Karen Filippelli: Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect.
Michael Scott: See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: Yes. Did you hear that, Michael?
Michael Scott: No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation.
Jim Halpert: Wait a second, how are you qualified for that?
Michael Scott: Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one?
Dwight Schrute: (eating banana) Mm, less than three.
Michael Scott: That is not current.
Dwight Schrute: You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual.
Jim Halpert: Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls.
Dwight Schrute: Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car.
Michael Scott: You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women.
Michael Scott: I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter.
Creed Bratton: Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal?
Michael Scott: Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited.
Meredith Palmer: I don't remember doing that.
Angela Martin: What a surprise.
Michael Scott: OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight Schrute: Alien. Blagh!
Michael Scott: What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. (points to Pam) Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this.
Andy Bernard: If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models.
Kevin Malone: Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me.
Karen Filippelli: What you're saying is extremely misogynistic.
Michael Scott: Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything.
Karen Filippelli: I'm saying that you're being sexist.
Michael Scott: No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist.
Karen Filippelli: That - it's the same thing.
Phyllis Vance: When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
Michael Scott: Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut.
Angela Martin: And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods.
Michael Scott: I have to know whether you're serious or not.
Dwight Schrute: I wish I could menstruate.
Karen Filippelli: Can we just get back to work?
Michael Scott: Ye - OK, yes.
Angela Martin: This is not work talk.
Michael Scott: You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. (Kelly gasps)
Michael Scott: OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. (Pam nods) Let's go!
Dwight Schrute: Have you finished with the sketch?
Dwight Schrute: Hmm, doesn't seem like the type.
Pam Beesly: Uh, Phyllis got a good look.
Pam Beesly: (tires screeching) Oh.
Angela Martin: Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead.
Meredith Palmer: Thanks. I know how to drive. (dumps the crumbs from a bag of chips she was eating into her mouth and throws it out the window)
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah. You really shouldn't litter.
Meredith Palmer: My car, my rules.
Kevin Malone: Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women's bathroom?
Jim Halpert: No. Thank you, though.
Kevin Malone: You aren't curious?
Jim Halpert: Not really. I've seen a bathroom before.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy.
Jim Halpert: I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it.
Kevin Malone: (quietly) Yeah. I'm going in.
Kevin Malone: (in women's bathroom) Oh... my... God.
Andy Bernard: I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today.
Dwight Schrute: Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building.
Andy Bernard: This guy looks like a real deviant.
Dwight Schrute: No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those.
Andy Bernard: Aye, aye, Cap'n.
Dwight Schrute: More like, "Aye, aye, General."
Jim Halpert: (in women's bathroom) Well, I stand corrected. This is pretty cool.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, uh... where'd you decide to take Karen tonight?
Jim Halpert: Anna Maria's.
Ryan Howard: What's the occasion?
Jim Halpert: Six-month anniversary. What?
Ryan Howard: Nothing - I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up.
Jim Halpert: No, we've been dating for six months.
Ryan Howard: Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote a while back, um -
Jim Halpert: Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend.
Ryan Howard: I figured. It's cool. I don't - I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway.
Michael Scott: All right. Hope nobody's on a diet.
Kelly Kapoor: Thanks, Michael.
Angela Martin: Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott: You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish.
Pam Beesly: What do you want to dish about?
Michael Scott: Anything you guys want. This is your time. (everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales) Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it "shmear?" Like the cream cheese.
Pam Beesly: OK. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan?
Kelly Kapoor: Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome.
Michael Scott: What, um... what do you think of role-play?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, it can be fun.
Michael Scott: Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy.
Karen Filippelli: It's a pretty common one.
Michael Scott: I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.
Angela Martin: OK. I'm gonna be at the doll store.
Pam Beesly: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
Michael Scott: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Michael Scott: (groans) And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form.
Karen Filippelli: That is not healthy behavior.
Michael Scott: No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.
Pam Beesly: Michael, you need to get out of this.
Michael Scott: No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing.
Pam Beesly: No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad. (Karen nods and Michael looks like he's about to start crying)
Michael Scott: No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. (sniffing) You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? (sighs)
Pam Beesly: Read the pros first.
Michael Scott: OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt.
Phyllis Vance: She does have very nice clothes.
Karen Filippelli: OK, OK. Um, cons.
Michael Scott: Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: not anything to write home about. Insecure about body. I'm unhappy when I'm with her. Flat-chested.
Pam Beesly: What was the last one?
Michael Scott: She's totally flat. Shrunken chesticles.
Phyllis Vance: No, the one before that.
Michael Scott: I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
Pam Beesly: Michael... you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Michael Scott: I'm happy sometimes. Um... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.
Karen Filippelli: Look, most relationships have their rough patches. You just have to push through it sometimes.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that's smart.
Pam Beesly: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
Michael Scott: That sounds good too. I don't know who's right. I just don't - I don't know. I don't know.
Phyllis Vance: I bet you know. Don't think, just answer. What do you want to do about Jan?
Michael Scott: I wanna break up with Jan. Wow. I wanna break up with Jan.
Phyllis Vance: My mom taught me that.
Michael Scott: Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories.
Pam Beesly: No one said it has no calories.
Michael Scott: Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. (Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret) Come on. Get in here.
Kevin Malone: (in women's bathroom) This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often.
Toby Flenderson: I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time.
Creed Bratton: What are you doing in here? This is the women's room.
Kevin Malone: You're in here.
Creed Bratton: I pay for that privilege. (goes into stall)
Kevin Malone: (all get up to leave) OK.
Michael Scott: Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear.
Karen Filippelli: Phyllis. What do you think? Too much?
Phyllis Vance: Jim's gonna love it. (Karen giggles)
Angela Martin: (in the car) Slower. Slower. Meredith. (Michael's cell phone ringing My Humps) Slow it up.
Michael Scott: Oh. Oh, no. (inhales sharply) It's Jan. What do I do?
Karen Filippelli: Answer it.
Pam Beesly: Don't answer it.
Michael Scott: OK, it stopped.
Kelly Kapoor: (bang) Whoa.
Meredith Palmer: (tires screeching) Crap.
Kelly Kapoor: Michael, you know how to, um -change a wheel, right?
Michael Scott: Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will...
Pam Beesly: Here, uh... Meredith? Why don't you put your hazards on.
Michael Scott: Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. (takes off his coat and tosses it aside) There we go! (Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench) Good. Yes, we have the... all right. (tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts)
Pam Beesly: I think I've got it.
Michael Scott: Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan?
Pam Beesly: I don't think we really need that, Michael.
Michael Scott: Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail.
Andy Bernard: Think we'll find him?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests.
Andy Bernard: (pulls a candy bar from his coat pocket) Halvsies?
Dwight Schrute: No. Wholesies. (snatches the candy bar)
Andy Bernard: Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot.
Dwight Schrute: Natch. (bites off a lot of candy bar)
Andy Bernard: Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera.
Dwight Schrute: You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. (coughs)
Michael Scott: OK, I am really going to do this.
Pam Beesly: Good luck, Michael.
Michael Scott: You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. (sighs)
Karen Filippelli: OK, remember, be strong.
Michael Scott: I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail.
Pam Beesly: Don't leave a -
Michael Scott: (leaving a message) Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. (Jan walks in) OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later.
Jan Levinson: Michael... (clears throat) I was, um... I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I... I just - I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... (takes Michael's hand) I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jan Levinson: So... we're good?
Michael Scott: Abso-fruit-ly.
Jan Levinson: (cell phone vibrates) Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry.
Michael Scott: No... No...
Jan Levinson: One second. Oh! It's from you. Uh, you wanna grab some dinner?
Jan Levinson: OK. (voice on phone) "It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want..."
Michael Scott: Maybe some Italian. (voice on phone) "... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -" (Jan takes the phone away from her ear) Chinese? (voice on phone) "who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy."
Jan Levinson: Oh. (door closes)
Michael Scott: (sighs) Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. "Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all.
Dwight Schrute: (phone rings) Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight. It's Jim.
Dwight Schrute: Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy.
Jim Halpert: No, you're not. I'm looking right at you.
Dwight Schrute: Ugh. I'm hanging up.
Jim Halpert: Don't. (quietly) I have information about the sex predator.
Dwight Schrute: You have information about the sex predator?
Jim Halpert: I saw him two minutes ago.
Jim Halpert: In the women's bathroom, above the sink.
Dwight Schrute: (hangs up and runs to the women's bathroom) Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. (sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache, removes his glasses and figures it out) PAM!
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 21 season 3. Women's Appreciation is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.