Every line from The Office episode "Beach Games", season 3 episode 22.
Michael Scott: Ughh... Blech.
Dwight Schrute: OK, where does it hurt?
Michael Scott: Just... all over. I don't want to do anything... I'm dying...
Dwight Schrute: No, that's not how it works. You have to point to a specific part of the body.
Michael Scott: Right there. (Michael points to computer screen.)
Dwight Schrute: (reading from screen) "Abdomen. Menses."
Dwight Schrute: "The uterus contracts after your egg passes through it."
Michael Scott: Not it. I don't have eggs.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, is it possible you ate food that contained animal waste?
Michael Scott: That's possible.
Pam Beesly: David Wallace is on line one.
Michael Scott: The CFO? Ohh...
Michael Scott: OK, everybody out. Out. Out. Out. OK.
Michael Scott: To what do I owe this great honor, David Wallace?
David Wallace: (on phone) Michael, I am calling---
Michael Scott: And Gromit. (David sighs) Jan? Is Jan there?
David Wallace: Jan is out of town right now.
Michael Scott: Oh, you sigh like Jan. I broke Jan's heart, David, and it was awful. It was... It was never my intention to ruin a life. But you know what? Sometimes...
Michael Scott: ...you just gots to get your freak on.
David Wallace: I am calling to see if you can come down and interview for a job we have opening in corporate.
David Wallace: Week from today. Bring your first quarter stats and your recommendation for who would take over the Scranton Branch.
Michael Scott: Wow. I wish I had prepared something to say.
David Wallace: That's not necessary.
Michael Scott: May God guide you in your quest.
Michael Scott: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar Martinez: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, you can't swim in leather pants. (laughs) I'm just yankin' your chain. Not literally.
Toby Flenderson: Anybody need sun block? Got SPF 30.
Michael Scott: Oh, you know what? Uh, you're not going.
Toby Flenderson: It's Beach Day...
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, Toby. We... um... Somebody has to stay here.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, want my sun screen?
Pam Beesly: Oh, great. I forgot mine and I'm wearing a two piece.
Michael Scott: Hey Pam, I have a very important job for you
Pam Beesly: I thought we were just having fun at the beach.
Michael Scott: We are. We are. But, I would like you to take notes. And I want you to find out about people's character. Not their hotness, per se, but their humor, and their charisma, and the indefinable quality that makes you all glad to follow me.
Kevin Malone: (singing) (Angela mouthing the words next to him) And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression. Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right." (rest of office joins in at varying times) You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.
Michael Scott: Everybody, may I have you attention please? Today, we are not just spending a day at the beach.
Stanley Hudson: Oh, sweet mother of God.
Michael Scott: If you don't like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus.
Stanley Hudson: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: Or the front of the bus. Or drive the bus. Just, we are all participating in mandatory fun activities. Funtivities! And there is a special secret prize for the winner!
Dwight Schrute: Yes! Funtivities! I knew it wasn't just a trip to the beach.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? Your enthusiasm's turning people off.
Dwight Schrute: I hope there will be management parables.
Michael Scott: Well, (whispering) Hey Pam, did you get that down?
Michael Scott: Like everything I said and everything they did and... Just don't...
Pam Beesly: Well... no, I don't... exactly... what?
Michael Scott: Well write it down before you forget it. That's... You've just been drawing pictures. (sighs) Rrrr. I can't stay mad at you.
Angela Martin: Everyone put on sunscreen.
Michael Scott: Alright, find a cozy spot. Everybody settle in. (everybody sits down on beach) OK, everybody up! Circle 'round. (motions for circle to form) Let us play some games. We are situated on the northeast corner of scenic Lake Scranton. America's eighth largest indigenous body of water. It is here that a group of Americans will undergo the ultimate challenge. One day, 14 strangers who work together, but only one survivor.
Michael Scott: Just words. Inspiring words. (under breath) Not a contender. (out loud) For the competitions, you will be divided into four tribes. Each tribe will have a leader that I will pick randomly off the top of my head without thinking. Jim, Dwight, Andy and Stanley.
Michael Scott: Choose your tribes. Except for Pam. Not Pam.
Michael Scott: We are going to choose team names. Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim Halpert: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight Schrute: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim Halpert: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight Schrute: He-who-must-not-be-named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim Halpert: (starts chanting) Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort ...(Kevin and Karen follow) Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort!
Dwight Schrute: OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?
Stanley Hudson: I don't care what you call my team.
Michael Scott: Then I will name your team the Red team.
Stanley Hudson: No (crosses arms), the blue team.
Michael Scott: It is time for the great spoon and egg race. This one is with a little twist.
Stanley Hudson: There's already a twist, you're carrying an egg on a spoon.
Michael Scott: Shh... The person carrying the egg will be blindfolded. Please put on your blindfolds. That person carrying the egg will go down, circle a torch, come back, deposit their egg in the pail. First team back is the winner. Alright. Ready? Set. Go! (contestants start walking)
Oscar Martinez: Come on Phyllis, you can do it. (Phyllis' egg falls off spoon) Ahh...
Stanley Hudson: Thank you so much. (Stanley sits down and pulls out his crossword puzzle)
Andy Bernard: Phyllis is out. Yes! (to Kelly) Follow my voice. Follow my voice. Yeah, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Right this way. Looking good. (Cheers)
Kelly Kapoor: I don't want to hit the big rock!
Andy Bernard: Don't worry. You're not...
Kelly Kapoor: I know I'm near the big rock. I just know it.
Andy Bernard: No where near the big rock.
Kelly Kapoor: (takes off blindfold) I just don't want to get hit by it...
Andy Bernard: What're you doing? No! See, now we're disqualified.
Jim Halpert: (to Karen) Woah, stop, stop, stop. There's a hole. Step over the hole.
Jim Halpert: Yup. (Karen takes a big step) Perfect, oooh, just made it. OK, turn left.
Dwight Schrute: (to Ryan) Come on! Come on! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!
Ryan Howard: Can you just stop this right now, or I'm not gonna do this anymore.
Dwight Schrute: What are you saying?
Ryan Howard: You have to stop yelling at me or I'm not gonna do the egg race.
Dwight Schrute: OK, I apologize for yelling at you.
Ryan Howard: That's what being a good captain is about. It's about listening to the members of your team.
Dwight Schrute: I am trying to bring team spirit.
Michael Scott: Okay Pam, I have another little project for you.
Pam Beesly: Does it have to do with these shopping bags filled with hot dogs?
Michael Scott: Smart as a whip! Yes! (holds up hot dog packages) These are pre-cooked, so it's not absolutely necessary, but I would appreciate it if you could heat up 800 hot dogs for a little contest I'm going to be having. I would greatly appreciate it.
Pam Beesly: When's the contest?
Michael Scott: Like umm...(looks at watch) ten minutes?
Pam Beesly: How am I supposed to... get...
Michael Scott: Thanks a bunch.
Michael Scott: OK, who's hungry (Kevin starts to put hot dog in mouth) No, no, no. Do not touch the food. Please. Not yet. That is our next event. A hot dog eating contest. (sighs at the table) For those of you who are curious, the world record is 54 and one half hot dogs. Wow! And you know what? I personally have cooked up enough so each and every one of you could break that record. So shoot for the stars, OK? Alright, the team that eats the most hot dogs in ten minutes will be declared the winner. On you mark. Get set.
Kelly Kapoor: Can I have a turkey burger?
Michael Scott: No, I have the only one. I claimed it. Ready?
Oscar Martinez: Turkey is a healthy meat.
Dwight Schrute: It's very good for you. (overlapping talk from all at table)
Michael Scott: Guys, guys, guys. Come on! Pleeeeease... Let's just... OK, it's very important that you all try to eat as many hot dogs as you can. On your mark. Get set. Eat!
Phyllis Vance: Is there any mustard?
Michael Scott: No mustard, no mustard. Just eat it, eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily.
Michael Scott: Come on, the winner gets a big, big prize.
Meredith Palmer: (eating hot dog) What is it?
Michael Scott: I can't say.
Jim Halpert: You can't say, or you can't pronounce it?
Michael Scott: The winner gets a regional manager's salary for a year, and a Sebring, and the feeling that they are making a difference in the world.
Kelly Kapoor: Can we just take those first two things?
Michael Scott: The winner of today gets my job. Ok? I'm interviewing for a job at corporate. And they're only interviewing a handful of people and I'm the most qualified and I'll probably get it. Alright?
Dwight Schrute: You're leaving?
Michael Scott: I didn't want to tell anyway. I didn't want to cast a pall over our fun beach day. But you know what? I don't know who to recommend because frankly nobody is stepping up.
Andy Bernard: (slams fist onto table) I am so hungry! (starts eating hot dog real fast)
Stanley Hudson: Do you expect me to believe that you're truly making your recommendations on this basis?
Michael Scott: (points at Stanley) Word. (Stanley starts eating hot dog) There we go. Let's see it.
Michael Scott: Four. Three. Two. One. Stop your eating! And the winner is Andy Bernard, with 14 hot dogs!
Kelly Kapoor: Team U.S.A.!
Andy Bernard: One came up.
Michael Scott: 13 hot dogs, everybody!
Dwight Schrute: Sabotage.
Angela Martin: What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?
Dwight Schrute: No. I was saying that before. Not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.
Angela Martin: I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.
Dwight Schrute: If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.
Michael Scott: It's very simple. There are only three rules. You must not touch the ground. You must not step outside of the ring. And you must always wear the safety mittens.
Stanley Hudson: Uh, we don't have any safety mittens
Michael Scott: Probably left them in the trunk of my car. It's alright. It's alright. Here we go.
Karen Filippelli: Get 'em big boy!
Michael Scott: Aaaaaand, go!
Karen Filippelli: C'mon, Jim!
Stanley Hudson: (growly noises, Jim looks terrified)
Jim Halpert: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: Nice, Stanley!
Stanley Hudson: (to Jim) Sorry about that. It's all about taking points away from Dwight.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. No. Good.
Dwight Schrute: (Andy and Dwight sumo wrestle) Gaaaaa....
Michael Scott: One. Two. Three.
Dwight Schrute: Yaaaaa! Yaaaaa!
Michael Scott: Excellent!
Dwight Schrute: Gryffindor! Gryffindor!
Andy Bernard: I didn't win. But the only reason I didn't win is because I recently learned that it's better to work thing out with words.
Dwight Schrute: That's not why you lost.
Andy Bernard: Yeah it is. I totally could have kicked your butt so bad.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, right.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, right, c'mon! C'mon! (Dwight and Andy wrestle)
Dwight Schrute: (bouncing off of Andy) Aaaagh! Uggggh! How do you like that?
Andy Bernard: (Trying to wet bandana, falls in water) Oh, God! Waaa! Guhh! Wuuuh! Help! Angela! Angela, hey! Oh, thank God! Please tell somebody!
Angela Martin: What, Andy? Andy, what should I tell them?
Andy Bernard: Go tell them I'm floating away, obviously!
Angela Martin: I don't understand what you want from me.
Andy Bernard: Angela, it's pretty simple! Look at what I'm doing and go tell somebody about it!
Angela Martin: Sorry! Bye, Andy!
Michael Scott: I knew that finding a successor would be difficult. I did not know that it would be impossible. Thus far the candidates have been wildly disappointing. Uh, Jim is not taking it seriously. Uh, Stanley is having a stroke. And Andy, where is he? Where the hell is Andy? Where is he, Pam? Do you know? Ah... who's ahead in points?
Pam Beesly: I think they're even. At various times you gave Jim ten points, Dwight a gold star, and Stanley a thumbs up. And I don't really know how to compare those units.
Michael Scott: Check to see if there is a conversion chart in that notebook.
Pam Beesly: I really doubt it, Michael.
Michael Scott: Please just check.
Jim Halpert: (on cell phone) Great. Yeah, I'll see you next week. Thank you, and here is Karen Filipelli. Bye.
Karen Filippelli: Hello? Yeah, hi David. Yes, I would like to be considered for the corporate position in well.
Karen Filippelli: As well.
Jim Halpert: How would that work in well? I just want to know.
Karen Filippelli: Yes. uh, huh.
Jim Halpert: Wait a minute.
Karen Filippelli: That would be fine.
Jim Halpert: If this job is in a well, I don't want it.
Karen Filippelli: (whispering) Cut it out!
Michael Scott: What does a great manager need most of all? Courage.
Stanley Hudson: How so? I mean... sure thing, that sounds smart... I can't do this anymore! I'm goin' to sit in the bus.
Michael Scott: Your loss, Stanley. Meanwhile the rest of us will have a super fun time defeating our fear and creating a lasting memory. Walking through FIRE!
Michael Scott: Who among you has the guts to replace me? Let him walk across these coals.
Kevin Malone: Are you going to try it?
Angela Martin: I'm not going to talk through the fire after your disgusting feet have gone through.
Kevin Malone: Angela, it is a million degrees.
Pam Beesly: I'm gonna do it. And I fully expect to burn my feet and go to the hospital. That's the right spirit when doing a coal walk, right?
Michael Scott: No. No, not you, Pam. You have to keep score.
Pam Beesly: I'd like to try it.
Michael Scott: Pointless.
Pam Beesly: But I'm not kidding. I really want to do it.
Michael Scott: Blah, blah, blee blup, blup, okay? This is about guts. It takes guts to be a regional manager. Jim, you're up.
Michael Scott: Ji.. why not? C'mon.
Jim Halpert: Oh, 'cause I don't want my feet to get burned.
Michael Scott: You do not have what it takes to be a regional manager.
Jim Halpert: That's harsh.
Michael Scott: Who's next? Andy? Where's Andy? Andy is never here today.
Kevin Malone: Why don't you go Michael?
Michael Scott: Because I already did. Remember? I burned my foot on a George Foreman grill.
Jim Halpert: And that is not the same at all. If you're going to ask other people to do it, you should do it yourself.
Michael Scott: Alright. Okay. Alright. Fine. 'kay. (clears throat, breathes noisily) The mind has to wrap around the foot. (exhales) Okay.
Pam Beesly: Do you want us to count to three?
Michael Scott: Yes. Count to three, please.
Michael Scott: Count the other way. Count... no, no, count one, two, three, not three, two, one.
Group: One. Two. Three! Go! Do it! Go, Michael.
Michael Scott: Wait! Am I going on go? Or am I going on three?
Creed Bratton: On the go that's after three.
Group: One, two, three, go!
Dwight Schrute: No! It's okay. I will do this Michael.
Michael Scott: Don't, don't.
Dwight Schrute: (walking on coals) I will walk and stand on these coals until you award me the position of regional manager!
Group: Wow. Go, Dwight. Keep moving.
Dwight Schrute: (standing still, on the coals) GIVE ME THE JOB! GIVE ME THE JOB!
Michael Scott: I'm not going to give it to you.
Dwight Schrute: (falling on his knees, then on all fours) Aaagh, aaagh!
Group: (yelling excitedly for Dwight to get off the coals)
Pam Beesly: Michael, do something!
Dwight Schrute: Aggggh, that stings!
Michael Scott: Being the boss is also about image. I've never looked like that. That was gross. I just, I don't see the connection between a firewalk and management. Worst seventy-five bucks I ever spent. You know what, if I had to pick my replacement based on today, it would be Mr. "Outside Hire."
Angela Martin: Or Mrs. "Outside Hire."
Michael Scott: Yeah. Ummm, hmm... True. Look, I don't want to leave this branch that I love to an outside hire therefore we are going to have a one hundred point winner take all sudden death tribal council round. To test the aspect of my job that I think is the most important, something I call the Bob Hope factor.
Kelly Kapoor: Who's Bob Hope?
Michael Scott: God! He's a comedian.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, like Amanda Bynes.
Michael Scott: Who's Amanda Bynes?
Kelly Kapoor: She's from "What a Girl Wants."
Michael Scott: Oh, I love that movie. Yes, Kelly is right, the person to replace me has to have a great sense of humor and they have to possess the leadership qualities of a Bynes or a Hope. So without further ado, Jim and Dwight show us what you got.
Jim Halpert: Hey, I know what you're looking for, but um, I got to be honest, I really don't think I should be considered as your replacement.
Michael Scott: You are being too modest.
Jim Halpert: Michael, on Thursday I'm going to drive down and interview with David for the open position in New York.
Michael Scott: Hhhh... okay. That is not funny. I am deducting sixty points from Voldemort for false pretenses. Okay, Dwight your turn. Wow us.
Dwight Schrute: The Aristocrats. A man and his wife and his children go into the offices of a talent agency. And the talent agent says, "Describe your act." And the man says something really, really raunchy and the talent representative says, "What do you call yourselves?" And the man says, "The Aristocrats!"
Dwight Schrute: (finishes story) I mean truly repulsive acts.
Michael Scott: That is a very, very funny story.
Pam Beesly: (runs over after walking over fire coals) Hey! I want to say something. I've been trying to be more honest lately and I just need to say a few things. I did the coal walk! Just, I did it! Michael, you couldn't even do that. Maybe I should be your boss? Wow, I feel really good right now. Why didn't any of you come to my art show? I invited all of you. That really sucked. It's like sometimes some of you act like I don't even exist. (turns and looks directly at Jim) Jim, I called off my wedding because of you. And now we're not even friends. And things are just like weird between us, and that sucks. And I miss you. You were my best friend before you went to Stamford, and I really miss you. I shouldn't have been with Roy. And there were a lot of reasons to call off my wedding. But the truth is, I didn't care about any of those reasons until I met you. And now you're with someone else. And that's... fine. It's... whatever. That's not what... I'm not... Okay, my feet really hurt. The thing that I'm just trying to say to you, Jim... and to everyone else in this circle I guess, is that I miss having fun with you. Just you, not everyone in the circle. Okay, I am going to go walk in the water now. Yeah. It's a good day.
Michael Scott: Pam, that was amazing. But I am still looking for someone with a sales background.
Group: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones. They're a modern stone-age family. Ba-ba-da-da-da. From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history. Ba-da-da-da-da. (overlapping singing of the wrong verses) When you're with the Flintstones, have a yabba-dabba-doo time, a dabba-doo time, we'll have a gay old time!
Michael Scott: WWWWIIIILLLLMMMMAAAA!
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 22 season 3. Beach Games is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.