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Season 3 Episode 23
The Job

Every line from The Office episode "The Job", season 3 episode 23.

Michael Scott: (at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY) David!
David Wallace: (confused) Oh, Michael?
Michael Scott: Are we all set?
David Wallace: Isn't our interview tomorrow?
Michael Scott: Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello.
David Wallace: You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?
Michael Scott: Thought I'd catch a show.
David Wallace: In the middle of a work day?
Michael Scott: Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job.
David Wallace: Okay.
Michael Scott: Um, how many people are you interviewing?
David Wallace: We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people.
Michael Scott: Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?
David Wallace: I don't think so.
Michael Scott: Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?
David Wallace: I believe we put you in charge.
Michael Scott: Ah, great. No further questions.
David Wallace: Okay, Michael.
Michael Scott: Okay.
David Wallace: I'm really looking forward to our interview.
Michael Scott: And I'm really looking forward to working with you.
Michael Scott: I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. (on cell phone) Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late.
Kevin Malone: (Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut) Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Kev.
Kevin Malone: What's different about you? You look worse.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Meredith Palmer: You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot.
Jim Halpert: Ohhh...
Meredith Palmer: Turn around.
Jim Halpert: No.
Meredith Palmer: Yes.
Jim Halpert: No way.
Meredith Palmer: Do it!
Andy Bernard: Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.
Jim Halpert: (exhales loudly) Andy...
Andy Bernard: What is it, Big Haircut?
Jim Halpert: Nothing.
Andy Bernard: Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut.
Jim Halpert: Yup.
Andy Bernard: What?
Jim Halpert: Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.
Pam Beesly: Hey. I think it looks great.
Jim Halpert: Thanks, Pam.
Pam Beesly: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so (quietly, and mock bowing) thank you.
Michael Scott: (knock on door) Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight Schrute: But that's my name. (opens letter and reads) Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. (begins to cry) Thank you.
Michael Scott: Okay. Uh...
Dwight Schrute: (cries harder) Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott: Uh, okay.
Dwight Schrute: (sobbing, holding letter to chest) Thank you so much.
Michael Scott: Stop crying.
Dwight Schrute: (sobbing) Thank you.
Michael Scott: Ohhhhh...
Pam Beesly: Hey.
Karen Filippelli: Hey.
Pam Beesly: Um, about the beach...
Karen Filippelli: It's okay, we all say things without thinking.
Pam Beesly: Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird.
Karen Filippelli: (confused) Oh. Okay.
Karen Filippelli: Pam is... kind of a bitch.
Karen Filippelli: Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit.
Jim Halpert: Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. (exhales) Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it.
Jim Halpert: So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city.
Michael Scott: Why so you can do it?
Karen Filippelli: (looks annoyed)
Jim Halpert: Whoops.
Michael Scott: No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger...
Jim Halpert: Hmmm.
Karen Filippelli: Heh.
Michael Scott: Moon each other.
Jim Halpert: Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael Scott: All right.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Michael Scott: Your loss.
Karen Filippelli: Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael Scott: Cruise control.
Karen Filippelli: Oh.
Kevin Malone: So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now.
Kevin Malone: Pam is taller.
Jim Halpert: You sure?
Kevin Malone: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too.
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Kevin Malone: I think Karen has a prettier face.
Jim Halpert: Uh, hmm. (thinking) Uh, hmm. What else?
Kevin Malone: Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call.
Jim Halpert: Hm. Really tough call.
Kevin Malone: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got.
Kevin Malone: Will do.
Jim Halpert: All right. (smiles)
Oscar Martinez: Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. (group laughs)
Pam Beesly: Wow, very funny.
Stanley Hudson: I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam.
Pam Beesly: (smiles)
Meredith Palmer: You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
Creed Bratton: I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
Creed Bratton: Check it out.
Ryan Howard: Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking.
Michael Scott: There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks.
Kevin Malone: Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?
Michael Scott: No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me.
Oscar Martinez: Maybe you should talk to her? Before...
Michael Scott: No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo.
Oscar Martinez: Michael...
Kevin Malone: What?
Angela Martin: Why?
Oscar Martinez: I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense.
Michael Scott: Yes, I...
Angela Martin: Wha? Who gave you that advice?
Kevin Malone: Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo...
Michael Scott: I have to buy another place.
Angela Martin: But you said you were in debt. (crosstalk)
Oscar Martinez: You're not sure that you have the job.
Michael Scott: I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.
Dwight Schrute: How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?
Angela Martin: No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, not Michael. (whispers) Me. I'm taking his job.
Angela Martin: (smiles) Not now. (Dwight leaves) Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.
Dwight Schrute: (squeezing hand grips) Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim Halpert: Oh hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I am gonna be your new boss. (laughs) It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
Jim Halpert: Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute: No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert: Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute: Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight Schrute: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert: You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute: I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert: Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert: Go.
Dwight Schrute: Eighty thousand dollars a year.
Dwight Schrute: Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Andy Bernard: (signing interview sheet) I will see you at the inter-view.
Dwight Schrute: Yes you will.
Michael Scott: Who is D. Abramson?
Pam Beesly: He's from that company in Pitts...
Jan Levinson: (walks through front door) Michael.
Michael Scott: Why... are you here?
Jan Levinson: Uh, how are you?
Michael Scott: I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you.
Jan Levinson: I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute?
Michael Scott: Why privately?
Jan Levinson: I just, (quietly) I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things.
Michael Scott: Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of.
Jan Levinson: Okay.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Michael Scott: Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem.
Pam Beesly: What do you want me to do?
Michael Scott: Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
Pam Beesly: What about Meredith?
Michael Scott: No. She's an alternate.
Michael Scott: So, how you been?
Jan Levinson: Been good.
Michael Scott: Good.
Jan Levinson: Good.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jan Levinson: Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail.
Michael Scott: Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages.
Pam Beesly: So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room.
Karen Filippelli: 'Cause of Jan again?
Karen Filippelli: Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow?
Pam Beesly: Uh, sure.
Karen Filippelli: Thanks.
Pam Beesly: I really hope you get the job.
Karen Filippelli: Thanks. (looks suspicious)
Jan Levinson: After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation.
Michael Scott: Hmm.
Jan Levinson: To kinda clear my mind.
Michael Scott: Sound good. Sounds fun.
Jan Levinson: It was. Yeah, it was good. (laughs) I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time.
Michael Scott: Hmm..
Jan Levinson: I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together.
Michael Scott: Would you excuse me for a second?
Jan Levinson: Ohh... (Michael leaves and walks into conference room)
Michael Scott: Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together.
Phyllis Vance: What are you gonna do?
Michael Scott: I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please...
Karen Filippelli: Do you want to get back together with her?
Michael Scott: No, no. What do I do?
Pam Beesly: Just don't get back together with her.
Michael Scott: What if she makes me?
Angela Martin: How can she make you get back together with her?
Michael Scott: She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do.
Pam Beesly: This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her.
Michael Scott: I wasn't.
Pam Beesly: You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong.
Michael Scott: You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together.
Pam Beesly: Right.
Michael Scott: Wow.
Karen Filippelli: Do it.
Michael Scott: I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you.
Michael Scott: (walks back into office with Jan) Okay. (clears throat) Jan, we need to talk. (Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged)
Michael Scott: Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God. (mouths to Jim) Huge!
Jim Halpert: Yeah, bigger actually.
Pam Beesly: (whispers) That's crazy!
Jim Halpert: Mm-hm.
Pam Beesly: (mouths) Wow!
Karen Filippelli: (moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline) Oh my God. Can you believe that?
Jim Halpert: Unbelievable.
Karen Filippelli: Wow!
Jim Halpert: She could put the cup right there.
Karen Filippelli: I know!
Pam Beesly: No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time.
Meredith Palmer: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front.
Kevin Malone: I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers.
Creed Bratton: I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots.
Jan Levinson: So... (exhales) there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Jan Levinson: I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities.
Michael Scott: First got priorities.
Jan Levinson: And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation...
Michael Scott: Let's get back together. (Jan smiles and laughs)
Michael Scott: No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, everyone, listen up! (claps) Time to begin the interview process! (looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name) Andrew Bernard.
Andy Bernard: Saving the best for first!
Karen Filippelli: All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!
Dwight Schrute: No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael.
Oscar Martinez: Good luck, you guys! (everyone wishes them luck)
Dwight Schrute: What did I say!?
Pam Beesly: (to Jim) Good luck.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
Pam Beesly: I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. (thinks) That's Popeye.
Dwight Schrute: I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy Bernard: White, because it contains all other colors.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy Bernard: You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
Dwight Schrute: What is the capital of Maine?
Andy Bernard: The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.
Andy Bernard: Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight Schrute: You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy Bernard: I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?
Andy Bernard: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.
Dwight Schrute: (Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win) Time! No, you failed.
Andy Bernard: Damn it!
Dwight Schrute: This interview is over. I'll let you know.
Karen Filippelli: (Driving to New York) Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview.
Jim Halpert: Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or...
Karen Filippelli: Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house.
Jim Halpert: Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish?
Karen Filippelli: No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me.
Jim Halpert: Oh...
Karen Filippelli: 'Cause I'm going to get the job.
Michael Scott: (holding Jan's breasts) Remarkable.
Jan Levinson: Thanks.
Michael Scott: Wait, wait. Check one more time.
Jan Levinson: Oh, okay.
Michael Scott: Very good (Jan nods)
Jan Levinson: Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?
Michael Scott: Yes, indeed.
Jan Levinson: Good luck with your interview. (whispers) Bye.
Michael Scott: So, I guess we're getting back together.
Pam Beesly: What happened?
Michael Scott: Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.
Michael Scott: Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.
Karen Filippelli: So we have all night. Where do you want to go first?
Jim Halpert: Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?
Karen Filippelli: How often do you come here?
Jim Halpert: Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip.
Karen Filippelli: I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim.
Michael Scott: Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, (clicks on small tape player) I would like to start saying my goodbyes (Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background) Okay. Goodnight, and good luck.
Dwight Schrute: (Dwight clicks off tape player) Who's ready to work?
Jim Halpert: (Karen punches buttons on an ATM) Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.
Karen Filippelli: That wasn't him. (Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was)
Karen Filippelli: So what's going to happen to us when I get this job?
Jim Halpert: Oh do you mean when I get the job?
Karen Filippelli: Well, if you get the job then I'd move here with you. Would you move with me? I'm not stupid. I was at the beach. We won't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there.
Jim Halpert: You mean Kevin?
Karen Filippelli: Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I do. C'mon. (they hold hands and cross street)
Michael Scott: (exhales) How are you guys doing? Need anything?
Karen Filippelli: Uh, no, we're good. Thanks.
Michael Scott: I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me.
Jim Halpert: (points at bearded man) Who's that?
Michael Scott: That is Beardy.
Jim Halpert: Beardy?
Michael Scott: Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert: I'm gonna introduce myself.
Michael Scott: No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so...
Michael Scott: I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.
Dwight Schrute: Michael is gone.
Andy Bernard: Hail to the chief!
Dwight Schrute: My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.
Andy Bernard: My first order of business: accept.
Dwight Schrute: As if you had a choice. (scoffs) Duh. (scoffs) Opportunity of a lifetime. (spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug)
Andy Bernard: Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. (washing out Michael's mug)
Michael Scott: Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.
Hunter: Uh, administrative assistant.
Michael Scott: Jan in yet?
Hunter: I think she's comin' in... later.
Michael Scott: Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?
Hunter: Sure.
Michael Scott: Just say, "I want to squeeze them." It's code. She'll know what it means.
Hunter: Okay.
Michael Scott: Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, (Michael shakes his head and makes the "motorboat" noise) "Brbrbrbrbr!" also?
Dwight Schrute: You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Pam Beesly: Thank you.
Dwight Schrute: I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager.
Pam Beesly: Really?
Dwight Schrute: Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.
Pam Beesly: You will be your own assistant.
Dwight Schrute: Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Pam Beesly: Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager, and the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight Schrute: Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Pam Beesly: Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute: Do you accept?
Pam Beesly: Absolutely, I do.
Pam Beesly: I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, "Absolutely, I do."
Michael Scott: (knocks on door) Hello, hello!
David Wallace: Michael, good to see you!
Michael Scott: Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
David Wallace: Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. (Michael smiles) So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott: Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David Wallace: Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott: Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths.
David Wallace: Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David Wallace: Very good.
Phyllis Vance: Dwight is our new boss.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, Michael's not going anywhere.
Pam Beesly: Then who do you think will get the job?
Kevin Malone: Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.
Phyllis Vance: I think it's gonna be Michael.
Oscar Martinez: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis Vance: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.
Oscar Martinez: (laughs) Mm. Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... (holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle) is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch.
Pam Beesly: (raises hand) What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?
Dwight Schrute: Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.
Oscar Martinez: So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?
Dwight Schrute: Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!
Stanley Hudson: Amen.
Dwight Schrute: Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.
Kevin Malone: (raises hand) Do we have to?
Dwight Schrute: Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is "me." Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!
Pam Beesly: I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.
David Wallace: What do you think we could be doing better?
Michael Scott: I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, "Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!" I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, "Super Duper Paper. It's super duper." I don't know, something like that.
David Wallace: Okay!
Michael Scott: Okay.
David Wallace: Thanks for comin' in, Michael.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David Wallace: It is always a treat when our paths cross.
Michael Scott: It is always a treat when our paths cross. So, oh! Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So... I may need to fill out one of those love documents again.
David Wallace: You're back together.
Michael Scott: Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. (laughs) Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals.
David Wallace: Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job.
Michael Scott: I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?
David Wallace: No, we're letting Jan go.
Dwight Schrute: Listen up. Let's start... from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Kevin Malone: (at the same time as Dwight) Trees.
Dwight Schrute: Trees! And where do trees grow?
Kevin Malone: (at the same time as Dwight) Forest.
Dwight Schrute: Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? (Angela smiles, shakes her head "no") Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?
Stanley Hudson: Liquid.
Dwight Schrute: Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley Hudson: I don't want it.
Dwight Schrute: Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
Stanley Hudson: Make it 100.
Dwight Schrute: We--- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley Hudson: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight Schrute: What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley Hudson: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Dwight Schrute: Okay---
Andy Bernard: That's it!
Dwight Schrute: What---
Andy Bernard: Class is canceled, everybody out!
Dwight Schrute: No wait, what are you doing?!
Andy Bernard: I'm punishing them.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.
Everyone: (grumbling, getting loud)
Pam Beesly: HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation! (Dwight winks at Pam)
Oscar Martinez: What--- What are you winking for?
Dwight Schrute: Zip your lid!
Karen Filippelli: So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows?
David Wallace: Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but...
Karen Filippelli: Yeah?
David Wallace: ...what do you think about Michael Scott?
Karen Filippelli: He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now.
David Wallace: This is off the record.
Karen Filippelli: He would be disaster.
Jan Levinson: Hey you!
Michael Scott: Hey.
Jan Levinson: How was your interview?
Michael Scott: Pretty good.
Jan Levinson: Yeah?
Michael Scott: Could have gone better I guess.
Jan Levinson: Oh. (they kiss) I'll put in a good word for you.
Michael Scott: Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Jan Levinson: What?
Michael Scott: Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun.
Jan Levinson: What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there?
Michael Scott: I can't tell you.
Jan Levinson: Tell me what?
Jan Levinson: You son of a bitch!
David Wallace: Jan, this isn't the time, we're in an interview---
Jan Levinson: You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David Wallace: Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Jan Levinson: Erratic?
David Wallace: Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to---
Jan Levinson: (opens up her overcoat) Is it because of these?
Michael Scott: Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan---
Jan Levinson: No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court!
David Wallace: It's not.
Jan Levinson: No?
David Wallace: It's not.
Jan Levinson: 'Cause he likes them. (points to Michael) Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about.
David Wallace: The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Michael Scott: Hey! You're unstable!
Jan Levinson: Yeah!
Michael Scott: No--- We're all unstable.
Jan Levinson: Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving.
Michael Scott: David, I did not tell her.
Andy Bernard: It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall.
Dwight Schrute: It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black. (laughs)
Andy Bernard: This is gonna look so awesome!
Dwight Schrute: It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!
Andy Bernard: (laughs) Totally!
Jan Levinson: (giving a hug) Bye Hunter.
Hunter: Bye.
Jan Levinson: Good luck with your band.
Hunter: Oh, thank---
Jan Levinson: Don't let them change you, okay? (Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door) So long, (censored).
Michael Scott: So, I am gonna... give her a ride home. Let me know about the job.
David Wallace: Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction.
Michael Scott: Good, I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions.
David Wallace: No, we're not giving you the job.
Michael Scott: You know what? That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?
David Wallace: I do.
Michael Scott: Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though.
David Wallace: Yes.
Michael Scott: Good. That's all I ever wanted. These two. (points at Jim and Karen) Either one of them... excellent candidates.
Karen Filippelli: Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.
Karen Filippelli: Don't! She's nuts! (they laugh)
Jim Halpert: Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don't have to stay, if you don't want.
Karen Filippelli: Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so...
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Karen Filippelli: Just call me when you're done.
Jim Halpert: Sure.
Karen Filippelli: Good luck, Halpert.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Receptionist: (phone rings, picks up) Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure.
Jan Levinson: Oh, God! I mean, I just don't understand! It's just so rude, you know? I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy!
Michael Scott: I know. I know, I'm sorry about that. That was terrible.
Jan Levinson: Oh, just... No, actually I think it's good, you know? It's fine, actually, I do. I really think it's great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so... (laughs)
Michael Scott: Well, it's... (Jan starts crying, high pitched whining) No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK.
Jan Levinson: (sobbing) Oh, I know, I know. It's just... I'm sorry. It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do?
Michael Scott: (whispers) I don't know. (normal volume) Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. (Jan exhales) Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
Jan Levinson: Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. (laughs) It could work. This could work, really!
Michael Scott: (in the office, imitating the terminator) I'll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack!
Pam Beesly: How'd it go?
Michael Scott: No. No, Pam. I'm baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon.
Michael Scott: Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. "Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in." Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black?
Dwight Schrute: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael Scott: That's stupid.
Dwight Schrute: It was Andy's idea.
Michael Scott: You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I'm baaaaaack. (laughs) Ryan, coffee.
Ryan Howard: I don't do that stuff anymore.
Michael Scott: No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids.
Michael Scott: So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones.
Pam Beesly: Did... Karen get the job?
Michael Scott: (to everyone) Back to work. (to Ryan) Still waitin' on that coffee.
Dwight Schrute: Pam, hello.
Pam Beesly: Dwight, hello.
Dwight Schrute: I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. (Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute)
Pam Beesly: No, I don't know what the future holds, but... I'm optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I... are just... too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But--- you--- that is, a, um, you know, not--- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay.
David Wallace: I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.
Jim Halpert: I should leave. (pretends to get up) (they laugh)
David Wallace: Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You're clearly a very bright guy.
Jim Halpert: Thanks.
David Wallace: Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet---
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry, wait, so is the question "How'd I get to be so awesome?" (laughs) Because, I don't have an answer for you. (laughs)
David Wallace: Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?
Jim Halpert: Yes, absolutely.
David Wallace: And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out...
Jim Halpert: Oh, no, absolutely.
David Wallace: ...that's a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he's probably the only person you're not gonna like. (Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads "Jim, Don't forget us when you're famous! Pam" It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.) Kendall. Ugh. So, first up...
Jim Halpert: (hands David his papers) There you go.
David Wallace: How do you think you function here in New York?
Jim Halpert: (not thinking clearly because of Pam's note) What's that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there's just a (sic) energy... New York has, uh... Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. (David laughs) So that's a... bonus.
David Wallace: You've been in the Scranton branch a long time. (Jim stares at Pam's note) What have you liked most about that place?
Jim Halpert: (thinks) The friendships.
David Wallace: Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So... long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Jim Halpert: (flashback to Beach Games) How are your feet?
Pam Beesly: Medium rare. Thanks. (they laugh)
Jim Halpert: The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here.
Pam Beesly: I know.
Jim Halpert: And even though... I came back, I just, I feel like I've never really... come back.
Pam Beesly: Well, I wish you would.
Pam Beesly: (phone rings, Pam answers) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I'll transfer you.
Pam Beesly: I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him... and, if he never comes back again... that's OK. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and... But you know what? It's OK. I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally--- (Jim walks in)
Jim Halpert: Pam. (to camera) Sorry. (to Pam) Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam Beesly: Yes.
Jim Halpert: All right. Then... it's a date.
Pam Beesly: (to camera, tearing up, smiling) I'm sorry, what was the question?
David Wallace: (on phone) So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. (laughs) Great! I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan Howard: (on phone, smiling) I'm excited too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly Kapoor: Who was that?
Ryan Howard: (still smiling) Nobody. You and I are done.
Kelly Kapoor: What?! (Ryan smiles and glances at the camera)

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 23 season 3. The Job is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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