Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Job

Vol. 3 · Issue 23Scranton, PA

Michael heads to New York for a corporate interview while Dwight tries to run the Scranton branch with Schrute Bucks. From Jan's big surprise to Jim finally coming back for Pam, you'll find every line from the episode right here.

Scene 01

21 lines
Michael Scott
(at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY) David!
David Wallace
(confused) Oh, Michael?
Michael Scott
Are we all set?
David Wallace
Isn't our interview tomorrow?
Michael Scott
Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello.
David Wallace
You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?
Michael Scott
Thought I'd catch a show.
David Wallace
In the middle of a work day?
Michael Scott
Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job.
David Wallace
Okay.
Michael Scott
Um, how many people are you interviewing?
David Wallace
We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people.
Michael Scott
Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?
David Wallace
I don't think so.
Michael Scott
Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?
David Wallace
I believe we put you in charge.
Michael Scott
Ah, great. No further questions.
David Wallace
Okay, Michael.
Michael Scott
Okay.
David Wallace
I'm really looking forward to our interview.
Michael Scott
And I'm really looking forward to working with you.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. (on cell phone) Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late.

Scene 03

18 lines
Kevin Malone
(Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut) Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Kev.
Kevin Malone
What's different about you? You look worse.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Meredith Palmer
You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot.
Jim Halpert
Ohhh...
Meredith Palmer
Turn around.
Jim Halpert
No.
Meredith Palmer
Yes.
Jim Halpert
No way.
Meredith Palmer
Do it!
Andy Bernard
Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.
Jim Halpert
(exhales loudly) Andy...
Andy Bernard
What is it, Big Haircut?
Jim Halpert
Nothing.
Andy Bernard
Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut.
Jim Halpert
Yup.
Andy Bernard
What?

Scene 04

1 line
Jim Halpert
Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.

Scene 05

2 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey. I think it looks great.
Jim Halpert
Thanks, Pam.

Scene 06

1 line
Pam Beesly
After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so (quietly, and mock bowing) thank you.

Scene 07

11 lines
Michael Scott
(knock on door) Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott
Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight Schrute
But that's my name. (opens letter and reads) Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. (begins to cry) Thank you.
Michael Scott
Okay. Uh...
Dwight Schrute
(cries harder) Thank you, Michael.
Michael Scott
Uh, okay.
Dwight Schrute
(sobbing, holding letter to chest) Thank you so much.
Michael Scott
Stop crying.
Dwight Schrute
(sobbing) Thank you.
Michael Scott
Ohhhhh...

Scene 08

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Karen Filippelli
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Um, about the beach...
Karen Filippelli
It's okay, we all say things without thinking.
Pam Beesly
Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird.
Karen Filippelli
(confused) Oh. Okay.

Scene 09

1 line
Karen Filippelli
Pam is... kind of a bitch.

Scene 10

2 lines
Karen Filippelli
Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit.
Jim Halpert
Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. (exhales) Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it.

Scene 11

15 lines
Jim Halpert
So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city.
Michael Scott
Why so you can do it?
Karen Filippelli
(looks annoyed)
Jim Halpert
Whoops.
Michael Scott
No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger...
Jim Halpert
Hmmm.
Karen Filippelli
Heh.
Michael Scott
Moon each other.
Jim Halpert
Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?
Michael Scott
All right.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Michael Scott
Your loss.
Karen Filippelli
Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?
Michael Scott
Cruise control.
Karen Filippelli
Oh.

Scene 12

14 lines
Kevin Malone
So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now.
Kevin Malone
Pam is taller.
Jim Halpert
You sure?
Kevin Malone
Yes. She has bigger breasts, too.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Kevin Malone
I think Karen has a prettier face.
Jim Halpert
Uh, hmm. (thinking) Uh, hmm. What else?
Kevin Malone
Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call.
Jim Halpert
Hm. Really tough call.
Kevin Malone
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got.
Kevin Malone
Will do.
Jim Halpert
All right. (smiles)

Scene 13

7 lines
Oscar Martinez
Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. (group laughs)
Pam Beesly
Wow, very funny.
Stanley Hudson
I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly.
Kelly Kapoor
Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam.
Pam Beesly
(smiles)
Meredith Palmer
You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
Creed Bratton
I remember. I blogged the whole thing.

Scene 14

1 line
Creed Bratton
www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out.

Scene 15

1 line
Ryan Howard
Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking.

Scene 16

16 lines
Michael Scott
There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks.
Kevin Malone
Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?
Michael Scott
No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me.
Oscar Martinez
Maybe you should talk to her? Before...
Michael Scott
No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo.
Oscar Martinez
Michael...
Kevin Malone
What?
Angela Martin
Why?
Oscar Martinez
I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense.
Michael Scott
Yes, I...
Angela Martin
Wha? Who gave you that advice?
Kevin Malone
Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo...
Michael Scott
I have to buy another place.
Angela Martin
But you said you were in debt. (crosstalk)
Oscar Martinez
You're not sure that you have the job.
Michael Scott
I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.

Scene 17

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?
Angela Martin
No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, not Michael. (whispers) Me. I'm taking his job.
Angela Martin
(smiles) Not now. (Dwight leaves) Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.

Scene 18

15 lines
Dwight Schrute
(squeezing hand grips) Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim Halpert
Oh hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I am gonna be your new boss. (laughs) It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.
Jim Halpert
Does my room have cable?
Dwight Schrute
No. And the sheets are made of fire.
Jim Halpert
Can I change rooms?
Dwight Schrute
Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim Halpert
Can I have a late checkout?
Dwight Schrute
I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim Halpert
You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?
Dwight Schrute
I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!
Jim Halpert
Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
Jim Halpert
Go.
Dwight Schrute
Eighty thousand dollars a year.

Scene 19

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.

Scene 20

2 lines
Andy Bernard
(signing interview sheet) I will see you at the inter-view.
Dwight Schrute
Yes you will.

Scene 21

12 lines
Michael Scott
Who is D. Abramson?
Pam Beesly
He's from that company in Pitts...
Jan Levinson
(walks through front door) Michael.
Michael Scott
Why... are you here?
Jan Levinson
Uh, how are you?
Michael Scott
I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you.
Jan Levinson
I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute?
Michael Scott
Why privately?
Jan Levinson
I just, (quietly) I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things.
Michael Scott
Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of.
Jan Levinson
Okay.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 22

5 lines
Michael Scott
Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem.
Pam Beesly
What do you want me to do?
Michael Scott
Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
Pam Beesly
What about Meredith?
Michael Scott
No. She's an alternate.

Scene 23

7 lines
Michael Scott
So, how you been?
Jan Levinson
Been good.
Michael Scott
Good.
Jan Levinson
Good.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jan Levinson
Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail.
Michael Scott
Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages.

Scene 24

7 lines
Pam Beesly
So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room.
Karen Filippelli
'Cause of Jan again?
Karen Filippelli
Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow?
Pam Beesly
Uh, sure.
Karen Filippelli
Thanks.
Pam Beesly
I really hope you get the job.
Karen Filippelli
Thanks. (looks suspicious)

Scene 25

9 lines
Jan Levinson
After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation.
Michael Scott
Hmm.
Jan Levinson
To kinda clear my mind.
Michael Scott
Sound good. Sounds fun.
Jan Levinson
It was. Yeah, it was good. (laughs) I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time.
Michael Scott
Hmm..
Jan Levinson
I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together.
Michael Scott
Would you excuse me for a second?
Jan Levinson
Ohh... (Michael leaves and walks into conference room)

Scene 26

17 lines
Michael Scott
Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together.
Phyllis Vance
What are you gonna do?
Michael Scott
I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please...
Karen Filippelli
Do you want to get back together with her?
Michael Scott
No, no. What do I do?
Pam Beesly
Just don't get back together with her.
Michael Scott
What if she makes me?
Angela Martin
How can she make you get back together with her?
Michael Scott
She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do.
Pam Beesly
This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her.
Michael Scott
I wasn't.
Pam Beesly
You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong.
Michael Scott
You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together.
Pam Beesly
Right.
Michael Scott
Wow.
Karen Filippelli
Do it.
Michael Scott
I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you.

Scene 27

1 line
Michael Scott
(walks back into office with Jan) Okay. (clears throat) Jan, we need to talk. (Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged)

Scene 28

1 line
Michael Scott
Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out.

Scene 29

10 lines
Pam Beesly
Oh my God. (mouths to Jim) Huge!
Jim Halpert
Yeah, bigger actually.
Pam Beesly
(whispers) That's crazy!
Jim Halpert
Mm-hm.
Pam Beesly
(mouths) Wow!
Karen Filippelli
(moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline) Oh my God. Can you believe that?
Jim Halpert
Unbelievable.
Karen Filippelli
Wow!
Jim Halpert
She could put the cup right there.
Karen Filippelli
I know!

Scene 30

1 line
Pam Beesly
No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that one time.

Scene 31

1 line
Meredith Palmer
I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front.

Scene 32

1 line
Kevin Malone
I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers.

Scene 33

1 line
Creed Bratton
I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots.

Scene 34

6 lines
Jan Levinson
So... (exhales) there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently.
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jan Levinson
I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities.
Michael Scott
First got priorities.
Jan Levinson
And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation...
Michael Scott
Let's get back together. (Jan smiles and laughs)

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is... emotionally magnificent.

Scene 36

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
Okay, everyone, listen up! (claps) Time to begin the interview process! (looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name) Andrew Bernard.
Andy Bernard
Saving the best for first!
Karen Filippelli
All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!
Dwight Schrute
No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael.
Oscar Martinez
Good luck, you guys! (everyone wishes them luck)
Dwight Schrute
What did I say!?
Pam Beesly
(to Jim) Good luck.
Jim Halpert
Thanks.

Scene 37

1 line
Pam Beesly
I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. (thinks) That's Popeye.

Scene 38

10 lines
Dwight Schrute
I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?
Andy Bernard
White, because it contains all other colors.
Dwight Schrute
Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?
Andy Bernard
You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
Dwight Schrute
What is the capital of Maine?
Andy Bernard
The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell.
Dwight Schrute
Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company.
Andy Bernard
Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
Dwight Schrute
You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
Andy Bernard
I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?

Scene 39

1 line
Andy Bernard
I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.

Scene 40

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win) Time! No, you failed.
Andy Bernard
Damn it!
Dwight Schrute
This interview is over. I'll let you know.

Scene 41

7 lines
Karen Filippelli
(Driving to New York) Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview.
Jim Halpert
Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or...
Karen Filippelli
Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house.
Jim Halpert
Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish?
Karen Filippelli
No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me.
Jim Halpert
Oh...
Karen Filippelli
'Cause I'm going to get the job.

Scene 42

8 lines
Michael Scott
(holding Jan's breasts) Remarkable.
Jan Levinson
Thanks.
Michael Scott
Wait, wait. Check one more time.
Jan Levinson
Oh, okay.
Michael Scott
Very good (Jan nods)
Jan Levinson
Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?
Michael Scott
Yes, indeed.
Jan Levinson
Good luck with your interview. (whispers) Bye.

Scene 43

3 lines
Michael Scott
So, I guess we're getting back together.
Pam Beesly
What happened?
Michael Scott
Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.

Scene 44

1 line
Michael Scott
Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.

Scene 45

5 lines
Karen Filippelli
So we have all night. Where do you want to go first?
Jim Halpert
Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?
Karen Filippelli
How often do you come here?
Jim Halpert
Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip.
Karen Filippelli
I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim.

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, (clicks on small tape player) I would like to start saying my goodbyes (Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background) Okay. Goodnight, and good luck.

Scene 47

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(Dwight clicks off tape player) Who's ready to work?

Scene 48

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(Karen punches buttons on an ATM) Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.
Karen Filippelli
That wasn't him. (Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was)

Scene 49

6 lines
Karen Filippelli
So what's going to happen to us when I get this job?
Jim Halpert
Oh do you mean when I get the job?
Karen Filippelli
Well, if you get the job then I'd move here with you. Would you move with me? I'm not stupid. I was at the beach. We won't have a future in Scranton. There's one too many people there.
Jim Halpert
You mean Kevin?
Karen Filippelli
Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I do. C'mon. (they hold hands and cross street)

Scene 50

9 lines
Michael Scott
(exhales) How are you guys doing? Need anything?
Karen Filippelli
Uh, no, we're good. Thanks.
Michael Scott
I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me.
Jim Halpert
(points at bearded man) Who's that?
Michael Scott
That is Beardy.
Jim Halpert
Beardy?
Michael Scott
Mm-hmm.
Jim Halpert
I'm gonna introduce myself.
Michael Scott
No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so...

Scene 51

1 line
Michael Scott
I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.

Scene 52

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Michael is gone.
Andy Bernard
Hail to the chief!
Dwight Schrute
My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two.
Andy Bernard
My first order of business: accept.
Dwight Schrute
As if you had a choice. (scoffs) Duh. (scoffs) Opportunity of a lifetime. (spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug)

Scene 53

1 line
Andy Bernard
Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. (washing out Michael's mug)

Scene 54

9 lines
Michael Scott
Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.
Hunter
Uh, administrative assistant.
Michael Scott
Jan in yet?
Hunter
I think she's comin' in... later.
Michael Scott
Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?
Hunter
Sure.
Michael Scott
Just say, "I want to squeeze them." It's code. She'll know what it means.
Hunter
Okay.
Michael Scott
Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, (Michael shakes his head and makes the "motorboat" noise) "Brbrbrbrbr!" also?

Scene 55

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Pam Beesly
Thank you.
Dwight Schrute
I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager.
Pam Beesly
Really?
Dwight Schrute
Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position.
Pam Beesly
You will be your own assistant.
Dwight Schrute
Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills.
Pam Beesly
Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager, and the Assistant Regional Manager. Andy is your number two. I would be the Secret Assistant Regional Manager.
Dwight Schrute
Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.
Pam Beesly
Mm-hmm.
Dwight Schrute
Do you accept?
Pam Beesly
Absolutely, I do.

Scene 56

1 line
Pam Beesly
I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, "Absolutely, I do."

Scene 57

10 lines
Michael Scott
(knocks on door) Hello, hello!
David Wallace
Michael, good to see you!
Michael Scott
Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for.
David Wallace
Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. (Michael smiles) So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?
Michael Scott
Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
David Wallace
Okay. And your strengths?
Michael Scott
Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths.
David Wallace
Oh. Yes. Very good.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
David Wallace
Very good.

Scene 58

8 lines
Phyllis Vance
Dwight is our new boss.
Oscar Martinez
Oh, Michael's not going anywhere.
Pam Beesly
Then who do you think will get the job?
Kevin Malone
Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits.
Phyllis Vance
I think it's gonna be Michael.
Oscar Martinez
Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis Vance
No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one.
Oscar Martinez
(laughs) Mm. Yeah.

Scene 59

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... (holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle) is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch.
Pam Beesly
(raises hand) What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?
Dwight Schrute
Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent.
Oscar Martinez
So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar?
Dwight Schrute
Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!
Stanley Hudson
Amen.
Dwight Schrute
Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.
Kevin Malone
(raises hand) Do we have to?
Dwight Schrute
Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is "me." Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!

Scene 60

1 line
Pam Beesly
I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here.

Scene 61

13 lines
David Wallace
What do you think we could be doing better?
Michael Scott
I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, "Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!" I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, "Super Duper Paper. It's super duper." I don't know, something like that.
David Wallace
Okay!
Michael Scott
Okay.
David Wallace
Thanks for comin' in, Michael.
Michael Scott
Thank you.
David Wallace
It is always a treat when our paths cross.
Michael Scott
It is always a treat when our paths cross. So, oh! Before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, uh, Jan and I are back together. So... I may need to fill out one of those love documents again.
David Wallace
You're back together.
Michael Scott
Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. (laughs) Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals.
David Wallace
Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job.
Michael Scott
I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?
David Wallace
No, we're letting Jan go.

Scene 62

25 lines
Dwight Schrute
Listen up. Let's start... from the ground up. Where does paper come from?
Kevin Malone
(at the same time as Dwight) Trees.
Dwight Schrute
Trees! And where do trees grow?
Kevin Malone
(at the same time as Dwight) Forest.
Dwight Schrute
Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? (Angela smiles, shakes her head "no") Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?
Stanley Hudson
Liquid.
Dwight Schrute
Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck.
Stanley Hudson
I don't want it.
Dwight Schrute
Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!
Stanley Hudson
Make it 100.
Dwight Schrute
We--- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?
Stanley Hudson
No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight Schrute
What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?
Stanley Hudson
The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Dwight Schrute
Okay---
Andy Bernard
That's it!
Dwight Schrute
What---
Andy Bernard
Class is canceled, everybody out!
Dwight Schrute
No wait, what are you doing?!
Andy Bernard
I'm punishing them.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no, wait! Class is not canceled.
Everyone
(grumbling, getting loud)
Pam Beesly
HEY! COME ON! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation! (Dwight winks at Pam)
Oscar Martinez
What--- What are you winking for?
Dwight Schrute
Zip your lid!

Scene 63

7 lines
Karen Filippelli
So, that's... my basic 5 year plan. And after that, who knows?
David Wallace
Okay. Uh, now, this may seem like an odd question, but...
Karen Filippelli
Yeah?
David Wallace
...what do you think about Michael Scott?
Karen Filippelli
He's a very nice man. And he's very well suited for the job he has now.
David Wallace
This is off the record.
Karen Filippelli
He would be disaster.

Scene 64

13 lines
Jan Levinson
Hey you!
Michael Scott
Hey.
Jan Levinson
How was your interview?
Michael Scott
Pretty good.
Jan Levinson
Yeah?
Michael Scott
Could have gone better I guess.
Jan Levinson
Oh. (they kiss) I'll put in a good word for you.
Michael Scott
Cool. Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
Jan Levinson
What?
Michael Scott
Daaah, let's just run away together. Let's just run away to Jamaica and live in a bungalow. You have some savings right? You could pay off my debts. It would... be fine. We'd have fun.
Jan Levinson
What's... what's the matter? What... what happened in there?
Michael Scott
I can't tell you.
Jan Levinson
Tell me what?

Scene 65

19 lines
Jan Levinson
You son of a bitch!
David Wallace
Jan, this isn't the time, we're in an interview---
Jan Levinson
You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off?
David Wallace
Frankly, it's overdue. Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Jan Levinson
Erratic?
David Wallace
Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work! You smoke constantly in your office. You spend most of the day online shopping. You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days. Always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale. You go to Scranton far more often than you used to---
Jan Levinson
(opens up her overcoat) Is it because of these?
Michael Scott
Wuuuoooh, hey, whoa, Jan---
Jan Levinson
No, I wanna know. I wanna know! Because if it is, then, then, then I will see you in court!
David Wallace
It's not.
Jan Levinson
No?
David Wallace
It's not.
Jan Levinson
'Cause he likes them. (points to Michael) Okay? He likes them. And, and that is, that is all I care about.
David Wallace
The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company. You are clearly unstable.
Michael Scott
Hey! You're unstable!
Jan Levinson
Yeah!
Michael Scott
No--- We're all unstable.
Jan Levinson
Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving. I'm not leaving. Not leaving.
Michael Scott
David, I did not tell her.

Scene 66

5 lines
Andy Bernard
It's like staring into my soul, when I look at this wall.
Dwight Schrute
It's like outerspace without the stars, it's so black. (laughs)
Andy Bernard
This is gonna look so awesome!
Dwight Schrute
It's so intimidating! Anyone who comes in here... is gonna have to take me seriously. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!
Andy Bernard
(laughs) Totally!

Scene 67

14 lines
Jan Levinson
(giving a hug) Bye Hunter.
Hunter
Bye.
Jan Levinson
Good luck with your band.
Hunter
Oh, thank---
Jan Levinson
Don't let them change you, okay? (Jan drops several items, Michael and Hunter help pick them up, she starts to walk out the door) So long, (censored).
Michael Scott
So, I am gonna... give her a ride home. Let me know about the job.
David Wallace
Actually, Michael, I think we're gonna take it in another direction.
Michael Scott
Good, I'm glad we're on the same page. I have a lot of ideas for new directions.
David Wallace
No, we're not giving you the job.
Michael Scott
You know what? That... is actually good... because, um, I don't think I could take... my girlfriend's job. That's not being a good boyfriend. So, I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration. Do you accept my withdrawal?
David Wallace
I do.
Michael Scott
Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page. Still have my job in Scranton, though.
David Wallace
Yes.
Michael Scott
Good. That's all I ever wanted. These two. (points at Jim and Karen) Either one of them... excellent candidates.

Scene 68

11 lines
Karen Filippelli
Wow. That was some serious... hardcore... self destruction.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though.
Karen Filippelli
Don't! She's nuts! (they laugh)
Jim Halpert
Oh, man. You know what? This might take a while. You really don't have to stay, if you don't want.
Karen Filippelli
Okay, good! Because, um, a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch. And, I was gonna meet them, so...
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Karen Filippelli
Just call me when you're done.
Jim Halpert
Sure.
Karen Filippelli
Good luck, Halpert.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Receptionist
(phone rings, picks up) Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace. Sure.

Scene 69

7 lines
Jan Levinson
Oh, God! I mean, I just don't understand! It's just so rude, you know? I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy!
Michael Scott
I know. I know, I'm sorry about that. That was terrible.
Jan Levinson
Oh, just... No, actually I think it's good, you know? It's fine, actually, I do. I really think it's great that it happened. Because, you know, my work has always been the thing that has gotten in the way of my happiness, so... (laughs)
Michael Scott
Well, it's... (Jan starts crying, high pitched whining) No, don't cry, it's gonna be OK.
Jan Levinson
(sobbing) Oh, I know, I know. It's just... I'm sorry. It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery. Ohhh! They make my moods totally unpredictable! Wow! What am I gonna do?
Michael Scott
(whispers) I don't know. (normal volume) Well I guess... you could come and stay at my condo. I think I could back out of the sale. (Jan exhales) Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.
Jan Levinson
Live together. Actually, wait a minute! This could be great! This could be perfect! You know, my full-time job could be our relationship. I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15. (laughs) It could work. This could work, really!

Scene 70

3 lines
Michael Scott
(in the office, imitating the terminator) I'll be baaaaack! And I am baaaack!
Pam Beesly
How'd it go?
Michael Scott
No. No, Pam. I'm baaaaaack! For gooood! Kevin Nealon.

Scene 71

7 lines
Michael Scott
Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you that I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job. I know, I know, I know. "Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoe in." Well, got down there. I nailed the interview. And the strangest thing happened. Why is my office black?
Dwight Schrute
To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael Scott
That's stupid.
Dwight Schrute
It was Andy's idea.
Michael Scott
You shouldn't have taken it. Bad management! Good thing I'm baaaaaack. (laughs) Ryan, coffee.
Ryan Howard
I don't do that stuff anymore.
Michael Scott
No, it's for me, bimbo. Kids.

Scene 72

3 lines
Michael Scott
So I'm back. And I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere. This place... is like... the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my... graveyard... for my bones.
Pam Beesly
Did... Karen get the job?
Michael Scott
(to everyone) Back to work. (to Ryan) Still waitin' on that coffee.

Scene 73

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Pam, hello.
Pam Beesly
Dwight, hello.
Dwight Schrute
I wanted to thank you... for helping me, when you held the title, Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager. You served the office with great dignity. (Pam salutes Dwight, Dwight returns the salute)

Scene 74

1 line
Pam Beesly
No, I don't know what the future holds, but... I'm optimistic. And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I... are just... too similar. Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen. But--- you--- that is, a, um, you know, not--- A man. A man version. But, uh, until then... I can hold my head up. ... I'm not gay.

Scene 75

17 lines
David Wallace
I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.
Jim Halpert
I should leave. (pretends to get up) (they laugh)
David Wallace
Uh, let me ask you a question, Jim. You're clearly a very bright guy.
Jim Halpert
Thanks.
David Wallace
Always hit your numbers, personable, you make a great impression on everyone you meet---
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry, wait, so is the question "How'd I get to be so awesome?" (laughs) Because, I don't have an answer for you. (laughs)
David Wallace
Uh, oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?
Jim Halpert
Yes, absolutely.
David Wallace
And that, uh, questionnaire. Sorry to make you fill that thing out...
Jim Halpert
Oh, no, absolutely.
David Wallace
...that's a HR formality. We have this very irritating HR guy here, he's probably the only person you're not gonna like. (Jim notices a small note inside his papers, it reads "Jim, Don't forget us when you're famous! Pam" It has a gold medal yogurt lid attached.) Kendall. Ugh. So, first up...
Jim Halpert
(hands David his papers) There you go.
David Wallace
How do you think you function here in New York?
Jim Halpert
(not thinking clearly because of Pam's note) What's that? Oh, uh, great. You know? I just um, I really appreciate the buildings, and uh, the people, and um, there's just a (sic) energy... New York has, uh... Not to mention, they have places that are open past eight. (David laughs) So that's a... bonus.
David Wallace
You've been in the Scranton branch a long time. (Jim stares at Pam's note) What have you liked most about that place?
Jim Halpert
(thinks) The friendships.
David Wallace
Okay. Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul. So... long haul. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Scene 76

6 lines
Jim Halpert
(flashback to Beach Games) How are your feet?
Pam Beesly
Medium rare. Thanks. (they laugh)
Jim Halpert
The real reason that I went to Stamford... was because... I wanted to be... not here.
Pam Beesly
I know.
Jim Halpert
And even though... I came back, I just, I feel like I've never really... come back.
Pam Beesly
Well, I wish you would.

Scene 77

1 line
Pam Beesly
(phone rings, Pam answers) Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just one moment, I'll transfer you.

Scene 78

5 lines
Pam Beesly
I haven't heard anything, but I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him... and, if he never comes back again... that's OK. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just, we never got the timing right. You know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and... But you know what? It's OK. I'm totally fine. Everything is gonna be totally--- (Jim walks in)
Jim Halpert
Pam. (to camera) Sorry. (to Pam) Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam Beesly
Yes.
Jim Halpert
All right. Then... it's a date.
Pam Beesly
(to camera, tearing up, smiling) I'm sorry, what was the question?

Scene 79

5 lines
David Wallace
(on phone) So, I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty. But, after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. (laughs) Great! I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan Howard
(on phone, smiling) I'm excited too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly Kapoor
Who was that?
Ryan Howard
(still smiling) Nobody. You and I are done.
Kelly Kapoor
What?! (Ryan smiles and glances at the camera)