Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Coup

Vol. 3 · Issue 3Scranton, PA

Dwight tries to go behind Michael's back to Jan, but things don't exactly go to plan. You'll find every line from the episode right here, from the "Crentist" interrogation to the final "hug it out, bitch" moment. It's the best way to catch all the Call of Duty trash talk and Pam's lunch break fashion show.

Scene 01

1 line
Michael Scott
(waiting on Pam to be done with the microwave) Ahhhhhhhhh. (whispering loudly) I'm hungry.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!

Scene 03

6 lines
Michael Scott
Let's gooooo! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Dwight Schrute
(directing people to their assigned seats) Take a seat down there. Second from the end.
Michael Scott
Alright, everybody here? Yes.
Pam Beesly
(walking in with a tray of six popcorn bags) Popcorn anyone?
Michael Scott
Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu!
Pam Beesly
(with five popcorn bags left) Anyone else? Nooo.

Scene 04

1 line
Pam Beesly
Movie Monday started with training videos, but we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it's been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Entourage!

Scene 06

4 lines
Michael Scott
Kevin, would you like to do the scenes from last week?
Kevin Malone
Yes!
Dwight Schrute
Why him?
Michael Scott
Don't whine. Get the window. (Dwight exhales)

Scene 07

2 lines
Michael Scott
Previously on Varsity Blues...
Kevin Malone
Ok. Billy-Bob, got a head injury, but coach made him play. So then Lance, he gets sacked, he's out for the year...

Scene 08

1 line
Jan Levinson
(walking into an empty office because everyone is watching Varsity Blues) Hello?

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who.

Scene 10

1 line
Angela Martin
I don't approve. I don't.

Scene 11

1 line
Jan Levinson
Hello? (Angela coughs and points to the conference room)

Scene 12

1 line
Michael Scott
(Jan walks in on Movie Monday) Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!

Scene 13

5 lines
Jan Levinson
How would a movie increase productivity Michael? How on earth would it do that?
Michael Scott
People work faster after...
Jan Levinson
Magically?
Michael Scott
No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Jan Levinson
No.

Scene 14

1 line
Angela Martin
(walking past Dwight's desk) Kitchen.

Scene 15

4 lines
Angela Martin
Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie, and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs.
Dwight Schrute
That's not going to happen.
Angela Martin
You know she has it out for him now.
Dwight Schrute
That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart!

Scene 16

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

Scene 17

5 lines
Angela Martin
Dwight, you should be running this office.
Dwight Schrute
Michael would never let me...
Angela Martin
It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call. Talk to her.
Dwight Schrute
I could never do that!
Angela Martin
Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired!

Scene 18

1 line
Angela Martin
I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise. Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus.

Scene 20

1 line
Pam Beesly
(on the phone) Hey Kelly, my stuff just got here. (Kelly screams with excitement into the phone and Pam has to take it away from her ear)

Scene 21

1 line
Pam Beesly
Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo, I felt like I wanted some new clothes. I mean, I just, I wanted to, it just, I felt like it was time, to maybe um... just get new clothes.

Scene 22

8 lines
Pam Beesly
(pulling her new shirt out of a box) Ok.
Kelly Kapoor
(gasps) I love it!
Pam Beesly
Really? I don't know.
Kelly Kapoor
You haven't even tried it on yet, try it on.
Pam Beesly
Not at work, I'll try it on---
Kelly Kapoor
Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
Pam Beesly
...noooo
Kelly Kapoor
(clapping her hands in unison) Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!

Scene 23

5 lines
Andy Bernard
Why did you do that?!
Jim Halpert
I'm just killing Germans, any way I can.
Andy Bernard
We're on the German team. Shoot the Brittish.
Jim Halpert
(turning around to Karen) Wait, are we playing teams?
Karen Filippelli
(laughing) Yeah.

Scene 24

1 line
Dwight Schrute
(outside in the parking lot, pacing back and forth) WAH! GAH! (breathing heavily)

Scene 25

18 lines
Jan Levinson
(answering the phone) Hello?
Dwight Schrute
Is this Jan?
Jan Levinson
Who is this?
Dwight Schrute
This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.
Jan Levinson
You should talk to Michael, and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other.
Dwight Schrute
It's about Michael.
Jan Levinson
What about him?
Dwight Schrute
(exhales) I can't talk here. It's too sensitive.
Jan Levinson
It's not about a surprise party is it?
Dwight Schrute
No, but we should discuss that another time.
Jan Levinson
Look, I am already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back.
Dwight Schrute
Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop, until I can meet you.
Jan Levinson
How do you know I like that store?
Dwight Schrute
Many of your blouses are Claiborne's.
Jan Levinson
How do you know that?
Dwight Schrute
Part of my job.
Jan Levinson
No it's not. It's officially not.
Dwight Schrute
...noted.

Scene 26

6 lines
Dwight Schrute
(walking into Michael's office) I'm going... to the dentist.
Michael Scott
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
I have to have an emergency crown put in.
Michael Scott
Ouchy.
Dwight Schrute
Yes. It's a new dentist. He's far. I might be gone... three hours.
Michael Scott
Three hours, wow. Have fun. (Dwight walks away staring through the blinds at Michael)

Scene 27

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Did you get anything good?
Jan Levinson
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy?

Scene 28

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
I can save the branch.
Jan Levinson
Really?
Dwight Schrute
If you let me run it.
Jan Levinson
Ok.
Dwight Schrute
(excitedly) "Ok" I can run it?
Jan Levinson
What would you do differently?
Dwight Schrute
Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house. (to waitress in diner) Right here. It's all for me. Thank you.
Jan Levinson
Dwight, you must feel strongly, to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers.
Dwight Schrute
The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. (pouring way too much syrup on his food) But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve. It's really what's best for the branch. And I could care less about my co-workers. So (cutting his food, giving Jan a "so there" look), here we are. It's all, on the table. I want... the branch. And I await your decision.

Scene 29

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(shoveling waffles into his mouth) Oh, by the way. There's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings.
Jan Levinson
(thinks for a second) Where is it?

Scene 30

10 lines
Jan Levinson
(on speakerphone with Michael) Michael.
Michael Scott
Hi.
Jan Levinson
I just had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees.
Michael Scott
Oh. That's nice.
Jan Levinson
No, it wasn't. Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you.
Michael Scott
...what?
Jan Levinson
Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott
...you were at the dentist?
Jan Levinson
You can't have people undermining you. Get control of your branch immediately.
Michael Scott
Ok.

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover! ...ish.

Scene 32

7 lines
Phyllis Vance
(Pam walks out of the bathroom wearing her new red shirt) Woooooow.
Kelly Kapoor
It's so sexy. You look so hot.
Phyllis Vance
It's really something.
Pam Beesly
(smiling) It's too much.
Kelly Kapoor
What?
Pam Beesly
I'm gonna return it.
Kelly Kapoor
No, you have to keep it today, just see how you feel.

Scene 33

5 lines
Roy Anderson
(walking into the break room) Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Roy Anderson
You look nice.
Pam Beesly
Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor
Isn't that like your third soda today?

Scene 34

2 lines
Jim Halpert
Yeah I think we can be a big help to your company. (someone dims the lights, signifying that it's game time) Ok, see you next week. Bye. (to Karen) Again?
Karen Filippelli
Scared?

Scene 35

1 line
Karen Filippelli
(with her hands making the rocker sign) Call of Duty!

Scene 36

4 lines
Josh
(sounding upset) Andy, Jim, can I see you in the conference room for a minute?
Andy Bernard
Now?
Josh
Yes now.
Andy Bernard
Put the game on hold everyone.

Scene 37

14 lines
Josh
This is not working, ok? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy Bernard
It's the new guy. (looks at Jim)
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'm sorry I don't know... what we're talking about...
Andy Bernard
See what I mean?
Josh
We just need a strategy, ok? We're going to set up a trap in the gun room. All right Jim, are you using the MP-40 or the 44?
Jim Halpert
Um, sniper rifle?
Josh
SNIPE--
Andy Bernard
WHAT?
Josh
JIM!
Andy Bernard
Are you playing for the other team?!
Josh
You don't snipe in Carrington, ok?
Andy Bernard
Saboteur!
Josh
Andy, it's not---
Andy Bernard
Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Scene 38

18 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Hey.
Michael Scott
Do you want an M&M?
Dwight Schrute
No thanks I'm stuffed.
Michael Scott
No seriously. You should have an M&M, they're really good.
Dwight Schrute
...ok. (takes and eats several M&M's)
Michael Scott
They're good, huh?
Dwight Schrute
...so good.
Michael Scott
Hey. I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put in.
Dwight Schrute
They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so...
Michael Scott
Sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight Schrute
Oh, yeah.
Michael Scott
What's his name?
Dwight Schrute
(long pause) Crentist.
Michael Scott
Your dentist's name is Crentist.
Dwight Schrute
Yep.
Michael Scott
Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe that's why he became a dentist.

Scene 39

5 lines
Michael Scott
Let me see your teeth. Let me see 'em. Let me see 'em.
Dwight Schrute
(reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside) Ahh. Aaaah.
Michael Scott
You should... floss.
Dwight Schrute
I know...
Michael Scott
(exhales) Well then... I am glad you're ok.

Scene 40

1 line
Michael Scott
Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? (smiling) Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.

Scene 41

1 line
Michael Scott
Dwight, can I talk to you for a second?

Scene 42

21 lines
Michael Scott
(in Michael's office) Wow, this is tough.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
Ohhhh. Arrrgggh!
Dwight Schrute
What is it?
Michael Scott
Well, I just got off the phone with Jan. And um... she demoted me.
Dwight Schrute
No.
Michael Scott
Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!
Dwight Schrute
Gahh!
Michael Scott
And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that um, I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Dwight Schrute
I can't believe this news. That--- wow.
Michael Scott
I know. I told her I didn't know whether you'd wanna do it... because you've always been so loyal to me. You've been my most trusted ally.
Dwight Schrute
You said that?
Michael Scott
Yep, I did. I did. But I think... you should do it.
Dwight Schrute
Well... Gosh, if you think I should. Then I will.
Michael Scott
(exhales) Perfect, well, we're settled.
Dwight Schrute
All right.
Michael Scott
All right. Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I... am assistant regional manager.
Dwight Schrute
Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael, for staying on. I really appreciate it.
Michael Scott
Ohh..
Dwight Schrute
Hey... I can't imagine this place without you.
Michael Scott
(muttering) Can't you? That's so nice.

Scene 43

2 lines
Michael Scott
Well... I guess we should go tell the troops.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. (Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera) Ok let's do it.

Scene 44

9 lines
Michael Scott
Hey, hi, hello. Everybody, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. I... am being replaced, as your leader, by Dwight.
Phyllis Vance
You're kidding...
Michael Scott
You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that.
Angela Martin
Congratulations Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Thank you Angela.
Stanley Hudson
But... why Dwight?
Michael Scott
Because, Dwight... never lies.
Stanley Hudson
How does that qualify him to run a branch?
Michael Scott
Because that's all it takes.

Scene 45

2 lines
Michael Scott
Ok, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody... about loyalty?
Dwight Schrute
Thank you Michael. I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black! With ferocity!

Scene 46

6 lines
Phyllis Vance
Michael, what will you do?
Michael Scott
Oh, I'll be fine.
Kevin Malone
Do you have any savings?
Michael Scott
No, no, I don't, but---
Kevin Malone
Michael, you might lose your condo.
Michael Scott
I... won't. I won't.

Scene 47

1 line
Pam Beesly
I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.

Scene 48

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Maybe I'll quit.

Scene 49

6 lines
Angela Martin
It's really happening!
Dwight Schrute
Yes.
Angela Martin
We can make a difference here.
Dwight Schrute
I, will, make a difference here.
Angela Martin
You alone? Because I thought together we could---
Dwight Schrute
Oh please, don't be naive. But you can be in charge of the women.

Scene 50

9 lines
Karen Filippelli
(whispering) Look how cute he is! He's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
Jim Halpert
I'm sorry what are you whispering about?
Karen Filippelli
I'm sorry nothing, just concentrate on turning around.
Jim Halpert
I'm trying---
Karen Filippelli
Just tap S then D.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Karen Filippelli
(her players gun is pointed directly at Jim's player's head) Any... last words? No?
Jim Halpert
What? (Karen's player shoots Jim's player, "You killed Jim Halpert" appears on the screen, Karen giggles)
Jim Halpert
Wow. Psychopath. (Karen grins widely at Jim)

Scene 51

4 lines
Pam Beesly
What?
Creed Bratton
I'm just looking.
Pam Beesly
Please go back to your desk.
Creed Bratton
In a minute.

Scene 52

1 line
Pam Beesly
Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I'm gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it'll be cool to just have some after work clothes that aren't pajamas.

Scene 53

14 lines
Michael Scott
Well, I guess it's time, that I turn over the keys, to the famous Sebring.
Dwight Schrute
(smiling) No thank you.
Michael Scott
It's a corporate lease Dwight, you've earned it.
Dwight Schrute
No thanks.
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
Not my style.
Michael Scott
But you said you liked it. You've always admired it.
Dwight Schrute
Well that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible, it's a ridiculous choice for this climate.
Michael Scott
(Michael finally breaks) Take it back.
Dwight Schrute
(confused) No.
Michael Scott
That's my car.
Dwight Schrute
What did you---
Michael Scott
THAT'S MY CAR.
Dwight Schrute
Yes.

Scene 54

17 lines
Michael Scott
I know, Dwight. I know. I know. I know.
Dwight Schrute
You know what?
Michael Scott
Jan called me about your little meeting!
Dwight Schrute
No!
Michael Scott
I know, what you did. I made the whole thing up, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
I think the Sebring's cool. It's cool. The Seabring's cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD.
Michael Scott
Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring--- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute
(Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground) Don't fire me. Please.
Michael Scott
Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!
Dwight Schrute
(terrified) I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!
Michael Scott
Not. Good. Enough!
Dwight Schrute
(sobbing) I'll do anything! Anything! I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year!
Michael Scott
I have a laundry machine!
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry! I'll do anything, I swear. (squeaking, crying)
Michael Scott
I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
Dwight Schrute
You can't. You can't. But I promise I'll never betray you again. What can I do, Michael. What can I do? (Michael exhales) What can I do? (Dwight has his face to the ground but his butt raised high in the air) What can I do? What can I do?
Michael Scott
You can get up. Get up. (Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips) And you can hug it out, bitch. (Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace)

Scene 55

1 line
Michael Scott
Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just... let it go. And walk away. And they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn't translate.

Scene 56

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(leaving his desk for the day, pretends pull the pen out of a pretend grenade, and tosses it to Karen)
Karen Filippelli
(throws some desk material in the air to signify debris from the grenade explosion, grins as Jim walks away)

Scene 57

1 line
Michael Scott
Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, (cut to Dwight standing on a box with "LIAR" written on a piece of paper hung around his neck, Dwight's head hung in shame) and I'm making him do my laundry for a year.