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Season 3 Episode 3
The Coup

Every line from The Office episode "The Coup", season 3 episode 3.

Michael Scott: (waiting on Pam to be done with the microwave) Ahhhhhhhhh. (whispering loudly) I'm hungry.
Michael Scott: Movie Monday! The only cure I know for the Monday blues is... Varsity Blues!
Michael Scott: Let's gooooo! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Dwight Schrute: (directing people to their assigned seats) Take a seat down there. Second from the end.
Michael Scott: Alright, everybody here? Yes.
Pam Beesly: (walking in with a tray of six popcorn bags) Popcorn anyone?
Michael Scott: Yes pleeeeease! Thank yooouuu!
Pam Beesly: (with five popcorn bags left) Anyone else? Nooo.
Pam Beesly: Movie Monday started with training videos, but we went through those pretty fast. Then we watched a medical video. Since then, it's been half hour installments of various movies, with the exception of an episode of Entourage, which Michael made us watch six times.
Michael Scott: Entourage!
Michael Scott: Kevin, would you like to do the scenes from last week?
Kevin Malone: Yes!
Dwight Schrute: Why him?
Michael Scott: Don't whine. Get the window. (Dwight exhales)
Michael Scott: Previously on Varsity Blues...
Kevin Malone: Ok. Billy-Bob, got a head injury, but coach made him play. So then Lance, he gets sacked, he's out for the year...
Jan Levinson: (walking into an empty office because everyone is watching Varsity Blues) Hello?
Dwight Schrute: Not everyone approves of Movie Monday. I won't say who.
Angela Martin: I don't approve. I don't.
Jan Levinson: Hello? (Angela coughs and points to the conference room)
Michael Scott: (Jan walks in on Movie Monday) Hi Jan! Hope you brought the Milk Duds!
Jan Levinson: How would a movie increase productivity Michael? How on earth would it do that?
Michael Scott: People work faster after...
Jan Levinson: Magically?
Michael Scott: No... they have to... to make up for the time they lost watching the movie.
Jan Levinson: No.
Angela Martin: (walking past Dwight's desk) Kitchen.
Angela Martin: Michael is going to get us all fired. You sat back and let him play that dumb movie, and now Jan is peeved off and we're all going to lose our jobs.
Dwight Schrute: That's not going to happen.
Angela Martin: You know she has it out for him now.
Dwight Schrute: That's not his fault! He had to follow his heart!
Dwight Schrute: Ever since Michael dumped Jan for Carol, Jan's been bitching out on him. Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.
Angela Martin: Dwight, you should be running this office.
Dwight Schrute: Michael would never let me...
Angela Martin: It's not up to Michael, it's Jan's call. Talk to her.
Dwight Schrute: I could never do that!
Angela Martin: Fine! Sit back and do nothing and let us all get fired!
Angela Martin: I know that patience and loyalty are good, and virtuous traits. But sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair.
Jim Halpert: At the Stamford branch, they all play this World War II video game called Call of Duty, and they're all really into it. I'm told it started as a team building exercise. Unfortunately I really suck at it. We didn't play many video games in Scranton. Instead we'd do stuff like, uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high pitched note, and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And uh, Pam called it... Pretendenitus.
Pam Beesly: (on the phone) Hey Kelly, my stuff just got here. (Kelly screams with excitement into the phone and Pam has to take it away from her ear)
Pam Beesly: Kelly really likes to online shop. Soooo, I felt like I wanted some new clothes. I mean, I just, I wanted to, it just, I felt like it was time, to maybe um... just get new clothes.
Pam Beesly: (pulling her new shirt out of a box) Ok.
Kelly Kapoor: (gasps) I love it!
Pam Beesly: Really? I don't know.
Kelly Kapoor: You haven't even tried it on yet, try it on.
Pam Beesly: Not at work, I'll try it on---
Kelly Kapoor: Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
Pam Beesly: ...noooo
Kelly Kapoor: (clapping her hands in unison) Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
Andy Bernard: Why did you do that?!
Jim Halpert: I'm just killing Germans, any way I can.
Andy Bernard: We're on the German team. Shoot the Brittish.
Jim Halpert: (turning around to Karen) Wait, are we playing teams?
Karen Filippelli: (laughing) Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: (outside in the parking lot, pacing back and forth) WAH! GAH! (breathing heavily)
Jan Levinson: (answering the phone) Hello?
Dwight Schrute: Is this Jan?
Jan Levinson: Who is this?
Dwight Schrute: This is Dwight Schrute. I am calling about an extremely sensitive matter.
Jan Levinson: You should talk to Michael, and he'll talk to me, and that way we don't have to speak to each other.
Dwight Schrute: It's about Michael.
Jan Levinson: What about him?
Dwight Schrute: (exhales) I can't talk here. It's too sensitive.
Jan Levinson: It's not about a surprise party is it?
Dwight Schrute: No, but we should discuss that another time.
Jan Levinson: Look, I am already an hour outside of Scranton, Dwight, I'm not coming back.
Dwight Schrute: Pull over at exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop, until I can meet you.
Jan Levinson: How do you know I like that store?
Dwight Schrute: Many of your blouses are Claiborne's.
Jan Levinson: How do you know that?
Dwight Schrute: Part of my job.
Jan Levinson: No it's not. It's officially not.
Dwight Schrute: ...noted.
Dwight Schrute: (walking into Michael's office) I'm going... to the dentist.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: I have to have an emergency crown put in.
Michael Scott: Ouchy.
Dwight Schrute: Yes. It's a new dentist. He's far. I might be gone... three hours.
Michael Scott: Three hours, wow. Have fun. (Dwight walks away staring through the blinds at Michael)
Dwight Schrute: Did you get anything good?
Jan Levinson: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: New blouse? Halter top? Camisole? Teddy?
Dwight Schrute: I can save the branch.
Jan Levinson: Really?
Dwight Schrute: If you let me run it.
Jan Levinson: Ok.
Dwight Schrute: (excitedly) "Ok" I can run it?
Jan Levinson: What would you do differently?
Dwight Schrute: Mostly get rid of waste. Which is half the people there. And clean house. (to waitress in diner) Right here. It's all for me. Thank you.
Jan Levinson: Dwight, you must feel strongly, to speak with me this way, behind Michael's back, and turn on so many of your co-workers.
Dwight Schrute: The decision to turn on Michael was difficult. (pouring way too much syrup on his food) But once I did it, I didn't look back. And mostly I feel that Michael would approve. It's really what's best for the branch. And I could care less about my co-workers. So (cutting his food, giving Jan a "so there" look), here we are. It's all, on the table. I want... the branch. And I await your decision.
Dwight Schrute: (shoveling waffles into his mouth) Oh, by the way. There's a new Ann Taylor outlet store near here. I know you like their earrings.
Jan Levinson: (thinks for a second) Where is it?
Jan Levinson: (on speakerphone with Michael) Michael.
Michael Scott: Hi.
Jan Levinson: I just had a very interesting conversation with one of your employees.
Michael Scott: Oh. That's nice.
Jan Levinson: No, it wasn't. Dwight just told me that he thinks he can run the branch better than you.
Michael Scott: ...what?
Jan Levinson: Mm-hmm.
Michael Scott: were at the dentist?
Jan Levinson: You can't have people undermining you. Get control of your branch immediately.
Michael Scott: Ok.
Michael Scott: What was Dwight thinking? That he could turn Jan against me? She's my ex-lover! ...ish.
Phyllis Vance: (Pam walks out of the bathroom wearing her new red shirt) Woooooow.
Kelly Kapoor: It's so sexy. You look so hot.
Phyllis Vance: It's really something.
Pam Beesly: (smiling) It's too much.
Kelly Kapoor: What?
Pam Beesly: I'm gonna return it.
Kelly Kapoor: No, you have to keep it today, just see how you feel.
Roy Anderson: (walking into the break room) Hey.
Pam Beesly: Hi.
Roy Anderson: You look nice.
Pam Beesly: Thanks.
Kelly Kapoor: Isn't that like your third soda today?
Jim Halpert: Yeah I think we can be a big help to your company. (someone dims the lights, signifying that it's game time) Ok, see you next week. Bye. (to Karen) Again?
Karen Filippelli: Scared?
Karen Filippelli: (with her hands making the rocker sign) Call of Duty!
Josh: (sounding upset) Andy, Jim, can I see you in the conference room for a minute?
Andy Bernard: Now?
Josh: Yes now.
Andy Bernard: Put the game on hold everyone.
Josh: This is not working, ok? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy Bernard: It's the new guy. (looks at Jim)
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm sorry I don't know... what we're talking about...
Andy Bernard: See what I mean?
Josh: We just need a strategy, ok? We're going to set up a trap in the gun room. All right Jim, are you using the MP-40 or the 44?
Jim Halpert: Um, sniper rifle?
Josh: SNIPE--
Andy Bernard: WHAT?
Josh: JIM!
Andy Bernard: Are you playing for the other team?!
Josh: You don't snipe in Carrington, ok?
Andy Bernard: Saboteur!
Josh: Andy, it's not---
Andy Bernard: Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game--- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.
Michael Scott: Hey Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Hey.
Michael Scott: Do you want an M&M?
Dwight Schrute: No thanks I'm stuffed.
Michael Scott: No seriously. You should have an M&M, they're really good.
Dwight Schrute: ...ok. (takes and eats several M&M's)
Michael Scott: They're good, huh?
Dwight Schrute: good.
Michael Scott: Hey. I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put in.
Dwight Schrute: They have this new kind of quick drying bonding, so...
Michael Scott: Sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, yeah.
Michael Scott: What's his name?
Dwight Schrute: (long pause) Crentist.
Michael Scott: Your dentist's name is Crentist.
Dwight Schrute: Yep.
Michael Scott: Huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
Michael Scott: Let me see your teeth. Let me see 'em. Let me see 'em.
Dwight Schrute: (reluctantly opens his mouth and Michael peers inside) Ahh. Aaaah.
Michael Scott: You should... floss.
Dwight Schrute: I know...
Michael Scott: (exhales) Well then... I am glad you're ok.
Michael Scott: Business is like a jungle. And I... am like a tiger. And Dwight, is like a monkey, that stabs the tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? (smiling) Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology.
Michael Scott: Dwight, can I talk to you for a second?
Michael Scott: (in Michael's office) Wow, this is tough.
Dwight Schrute: What?
Michael Scott: Ohhhh. Arrrgggh!
Dwight Schrute: What is it?
Michael Scott: Well, I just got off the phone with Jan. And um... she demoted me.
Dwight Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: Yeah. You know what the craziest part of this is? She demoted me to your job!
Dwight Schrute: Gahh!
Michael Scott: And she said that you should be expecting a call later from corporate, and that um, I guess that means that you are going to be acting manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
Dwight Schrute: I can't believe this news. That--- wow.
Michael Scott: I know. I told her I didn't know whether you'd wanna do it... because you've always been so loyal to me. You've been my most trusted ally.
Dwight Schrute: You said that?
Michael Scott: Yep, I did. I did. But I think... you should do it.
Dwight Schrute: Well... Gosh, if you think I should. Then I will.
Michael Scott: (exhales) Perfect, well, we're settled.
Dwight Schrute: All right.
Michael Scott: All right. Well then, you are now acting manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, and I... am assistant regional manager.
Dwight Schrute: Assistant to the regional manager. Thank you Michael, for staying on. I really appreciate it.
Michael Scott: Ohh..
Dwight Schrute: Hey... I can't imagine this place without you.
Michael Scott: (muttering) Can't you? That's so nice.
Michael Scott: Well... I guess we should go tell the troops.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, when I'm ready, Mike. (Dwight exhales, Michael looks at the camera) Ok let's do it.
Michael Scott: Hey, hi, hello. Everybody, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. I... am being replaced, as your leader, by Dwight.
Phyllis Vance: You're kidding...
Michael Scott: You might think that I am kidding, and I understand that.
Angela Martin: Congratulations Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Angela.
Stanley Hudson: But... why Dwight?
Michael Scott: Because, Dwight... never lies.
Stanley Hudson: How does that qualify him to run a branch?
Michael Scott: Because that's all it takes.
Michael Scott: Ok, Dwight, would you like to say a few words to everybody... about loyalty?
Dwight Schrute: Thank you Michael. I just want to say, to the few of you who will remain under my employ, that I intend to lead you into the black! With ferocity!
Phyllis Vance: Michael, what will you do?
Michael Scott: Oh, I'll be fine.
Kevin Malone: Do you have any savings?
Michael Scott: No, no, I don't, but---
Kevin Malone: Michael, you might lose your condo.
Michael Scott: I... won't. I won't.
Pam Beesly: I have this little vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.
Phyllis Vance: Maybe I'll quit.
Angela Martin: It's really happening!
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Angela Martin: We can make a difference here.
Dwight Schrute: I, will, make a difference here.
Angela Martin: You alone? Because I thought together we could---
Dwight Schrute: Oh please, don't be naive. But you can be in charge of the women.
Karen Filippelli: (whispering) Look how cute he is! He's trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
Jim Halpert: I'm sorry what are you whispering about?
Karen Filippelli: I'm sorry nothing, just concentrate on turning around.
Jim Halpert: I'm trying---
Karen Filippelli: Just tap S then D.
Jim Halpert: Oh.
Karen Filippelli: (her players gun is pointed directly at Jim's player's head) Any... last words? No?
Jim Halpert: What? (Karen's player shoots Jim's player, "You killed Jim Halpert" appears on the screen, Karen giggles)
Jim Halpert: Wow. Psychopath. (Karen grins widely at Jim)
Pam Beesly: What?
Creed Bratton: I'm just looking.
Pam Beesly: Please go back to your desk.
Creed Bratton: In a minute.
Pam Beesly: Well, I remember why I dress the way I do at work. But I'm gonna keep the clothes. I mean, it'll be cool to just have some after work clothes that aren't pajamas.
Michael Scott: Well, I guess it's time, that I turn over the keys, to the famous Sebring.
Dwight Schrute: (smiling) No thank you.
Michael Scott: It's a corporate lease Dwight, you've earned it.
Dwight Schrute: No thanks.
Michael Scott: What?
Dwight Schrute: Not my style.
Michael Scott: But you said you liked it. You've always admired it.
Dwight Schrute: Well that was before. I'm thinking about getting something German, something with decent gas mileage. Plus, that convertible, it's a ridiculous choice for this climate.
Michael Scott: (Michael finally breaks) Take it back.
Dwight Schrute: (confused) No.
Michael Scott: That's my car.
Dwight Schrute: What did you---
Michael Scott: THAT'S MY CAR.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: I know, Dwight. I know. I know. I know.
Dwight Schrute: You know what?
Michael Scott: Jan called me about your little meeting!
Dwight Schrute: No!
Michael Scott: I know, what you did. I made the whole thing up, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: I think the Sebring's cool. It's cool. The Seabring's cool. It has a cassette and it has a CD.
Michael Scott: Oh do you? Do you like the Sebring--- HOW DARE YOU?! How dare you, Dwight?
Dwight Schrute: (Dwight gets on his knees and puts his face down on the ground) Don't fire me. Please.
Michael Scott: Give me one good reason why I should fire you RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT?!
Dwight Schrute: (terrified) I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!
Michael Scott: Not. Good. Enough!
Dwight Schrute: (sobbing) I'll do anything! Anything! I'll do your laundry for a month! For a year!
Michael Scott: I have a laundry machine!
Dwight Schrute: I'm sorry! I'll do anything, I swear. (squeaking, crying)
Michael Scott: I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
Dwight Schrute: You can't. You can't. But I promise I'll never betray you again. What can I do, Michael. What can I do? (Michael exhales) What can I do? (Dwight has his face to the ground but his butt raised high in the air) What can I do? What can I do?
Michael Scott: You can get up. Get up. (Dwight gets up with spit hanging from his lips) And you can hug it out, bitch. (Dwight and Michael have a firm embrace)
Michael Scott: Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just... let it go. And walk away. And they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn't translate.
Jim Halpert: (leaving his desk for the day, pretends pull the pen out of a pretend grenade, and tosses it to Karen)
Karen Filippelli: (throws some desk material in the air to signify debris from the grenade explosion, grins as Jim walks away)
Michael Scott: Yep. Yeah, we hugged it out. But, it turns out, I was still a little angry. So, I felt I needed to punish him, just a little bit more, (cut to Dwight standing on a box with "LIAR" written on a piece of paper hung around his neck, Dwight's head hung in shame) and I'm making him do my laundry for a year.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 3 season 3. The Coup is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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