Every line from The Office episode "Grief Counseling", season 3 episode 4.
Michael Scott: Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?
Ryan Howard: Uh, no thanks, I'm good.
Michael Scott: Oh, it's okay, I'm going down.
Ryan Howard: Um... Yeah, absolutely.
Michael Scott: All right, I'll be right back. (goes down pretend stairs)
Dwight Schrute: (laughs uproariously and applauds) Whoo!
Michael Scott: (hands Ryan pencil) There you go.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Dwight Schrute: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?
Michael Scott: Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. (goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk)
Dwight Schrute: Okay. (continues to laugh) Whoo!
Michael Scott: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.
Pam Beesly: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?
Michael Scott: There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
Pam Beesly: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.
Ryan & others: Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great.
Michael Scott: (breathless) All right. Okay. (goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee)
Josh: What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?
Karen Filippelli: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry.
Josh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah, definitely.
Andy Bernard: (coughing out his words) Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?
Josh: Thank you, everyone.
Creed Bratton: It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'.
Creed Bratton: About what?
Michael Scott: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed Bratton: Ed was decapitated.
Creed Bratton: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off.
Michael Scott: Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Creed Bratton: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight Schrute: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed Bratton: What did I say?
Michael Scott: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.
Jan Levinson: (on speakerphone) I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?
Michael Scott: You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.
Jan Levinson: Well, what would you suggest?
Michael Scott: (thoughtfully) A statue.
Jan Levinson: (scoffs) I'm not sure that's realistic.
Michael Scott: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him.
Jan Levinson: No, that's not---
Michael Scott: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move...
Dwight Schrute: That is not a statue, that is a robot.
Michael Scott: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Dwight Schrute: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael Scott: Life-size.
Dwight Schrute: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Jan Levinson: What the hell are you two talking about?
Michael Scott: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.
Jan Levinson: You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today...
Jan Levinson: ...and I have to get back to work.
Michael Scott: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
Jan Levinson: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.
Michael Scott: But Ed truck can't because he is---
Jan Levinson: Goodbye. (hangs up)
Dwight Schrute: Look (holding up sketch) I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us.
Michael Scott: That's perfect.
Jim Halpert: Okay, that is a "no" on the on the West Side Market.
Karen Filippelli: Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now?
Jim Halpert: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.
Karen Filippelli: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, all day.
Andy Bernard: Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.
Jim Halpert: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy Bernard: Did you check the vending machine?
Karen Filippelli: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim Halpert: I have no idea. We went right for the copier.
Jim Halpert: And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, nothing there.
Andy Bernard: Did you check your... butt?
Michael Scott: Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis Vance: Okay that's enough.
Stanley Hudson: We do not wanna hear about this.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head!
Stanley Hudson: You have just spit on my face.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!
Michael Scott: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
Roy Anderson: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car.
Michael Scott: Okay, fine. Hurry back.
Roy Anderson: (as they leave) There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the "grief counseling" session.
Pam Beesly: Oh. I would like a break.
Michael Scott: (as Pam returns to conference room) Okay, we can start. Um...
Pam Beesly: You waited for me?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?
Dwight Schrute: (grabbing ball) I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael Scott: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else.
Stanley Hudson: (throwing ball back) Nope.
Michael Scott: (returning ball to Stanley) Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.
Stanley Hudson: I will NOT. (throws ball back)
Michael Scott: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam Beesly: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael Scott: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay.
Ryan Howard: (catching ball) Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael Scott: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan Howard: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Kevin Malone: Me, me, me, me, me me. (catches ball) Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so...
Michael Scott: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. (upset) Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis Vance: Well, there is a ball.
Michael Scott: All right, we're starting over.
Stanley Hudson: No, I'm done.
Michael Scott: You are not leaving. No! We are not done.
Angela Martin: We really have a lot of work to do right now.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. (breaking down)
Toby Flenderson: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going.
Michael Scott: How do you know?
Michael Scott: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Toby Flenderson: It was obvious...
Michael Scott: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! (runs out of conference room crying)
Dwight Schrute: Michael! (following Michael downstairs) Michael. Michael ...
Michael Scott: (seeing bird) Oh, God!
Dwight Schrute: (in disgust) Oh...
Michael Scott: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ...
Dwight Schrute: Poor little fella.
Michael Scott: Oh shhhh--oot!
Dwight Schrute: He is a goner.
Michael Scott: No, he's not.
Michael Scott: No, he's not. (cradling bird next to face)
Dwight Schrute: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael Scott: Well, you can't get diseases from a bird!
Dwight Schrute: I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.
Pam Beesly: Is it for the bird?
Pam Beesly: I have it covered. (hands Dwight a decorated box)
Dwight Schrute: Oh, thank you.
Pam Beesly: If you wanna do something for the funeral...
Dwight Schrute: Yes, please.
Pam Beesly: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Dwight Schrute: Excellent.
Pam Beesly: Do you have it with you?
Dwight Schrute: Always. (runs off)
Pam Beesly: I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay.
Pam Beesly: What do we know about this bird? You might think, "Not much. It's just a bird." But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.
Kevin Malone: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny.
Pam Beesly: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.
Dwight Schrute: He's not a songbird.
Pam Beesly: An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.
Angela Martin: (quickly) Amen.
Dwight Schrute: (begins playing recorder)
Pam Beesly: (singing) Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ...
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 4 season 3. Grief Counseling is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.