Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Grief Counseling

Vol. 3 · Issue 4Scranton, PA

From Michael's "cappa was detated" speech to the bird funeral in the parking lot, every line from the episode is right here. You'll find the full script and all the best quotes from the Dunder Mifflin crew as they navigate the five stages of grief.

Scene 01

19 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?
Ryan Howard
Uh, no thanks, I'm good.
Michael Scott
Oh, it's okay, I'm going down.
Ryan Howard
Um... Yeah, absolutely.
Michael Scott
All right, I'll be right back. (goes down pretend stairs)
Dwight Schrute
(laughs uproariously and applauds) Whoo!
Michael Scott
(hands Ryan pencil) There you go.
Dwight Schrute
Awesome!
Ryan Howard
Thank you.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.
Dwight Schrute
Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?
Michael Scott
Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. (goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk)
Dwight Schrute
Okay. (continues to laugh) Whoo!
Michael Scott
There you go, fresh from the warehouse.
Pam Beesly
Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?
Michael Scott
There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
Pam Beesly
But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.
Ryan & others
Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great.
Michael Scott
(breathless) All right. Okay. (goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee)

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.

Scene 03

2 lines
Pam Beesly
(after Michael returns with coffee) With cream and sugar?
Michael Scott
(sighs) All right.

Scene 04

4 lines
Jan Levinson
(on speakerphone) So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck.
Michael Scott
Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me?
Jan Levinson
Michael, Ed died over the weekend.
Michael Scott
Oh, wow.

Scene 05

5 lines
Michael Scott
Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad.
Michael Scott
Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss.
Phyllis Vance
That's a shame. Ed was a good guy.
Michael Scott
That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up.

Scene 06

10 lines
Michael Scott
So did you hear the news?
Pam Beesly
The news that you just announced? That Ed died?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
Is there anything I can do?
Michael Scott
Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
(holds out arms to Pam)
Pam Beesly
Oh. Okay.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Mmmmmm.
Pam Beesly
(extricating herself) Okay.

Scene 07

6 lines
Josh
What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?
Karen Filippelli
Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry.
Josh
Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah, definitely.
Andy Bernard
(coughing out his words) Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?
Josh
Thank you, everyone.

Scene 08

6 lines
Karen Filippelli
(at vending machine) Dammit.
Jim Halpert
What's up?
Karen Filippelli
Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Karen Filippelli
But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority.
Jim Halpert
Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please.

Scene 09

13 lines
Creed Bratton
It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'.
Creed Bratton
About what?
Michael Scott
The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that.
Creed Bratton
Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
Really?
Creed Bratton
He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off.
Michael Scott
Oh my God.
Dwight Schrute
That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.
Creed Bratton
You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight Schrute
You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed Bratton
What did I say?

Scene 10

1 line
Michael Scott
That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.

Scene 11

5 lines
Michael Scott
(clears throat) So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this...
Dwight Schrute
Ed was decapitated.
Michael Scott
What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
You said you didn't know how to say it.
Michael Scott
I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.

Scene 12

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey.
Angela Martin
Hi.
Dwight Schrute
If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.
Angela Martin
I do not wanna talk about this.

Scene 13

1 line
Dwight Schrute
When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Scene 14

28 lines
Michael Scott
I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.
Jan Levinson
(on speakerphone) I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?
Michael Scott
You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.
Jan Levinson
Well, what would you suggest?
Michael Scott
(thoughtfully) A statue.
Jan Levinson
Of Ed?
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Jan Levinson
(scoffs) I'm not sure that's realistic.
Michael Scott
Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him.
Jan Levinson
No, that's not---
Michael Scott
We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move...
Dwight Schrute
That is not a statue, that is a robot.
Michael Scott
I think that is a great way to honor Ed.
Dwight Schrute
And how big do you want this robot?
Michael Scott
Life-size.
Dwight Schrute
Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Jan Levinson
What the hell are you two talking about?
Michael Scott
Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.
Jan Levinson
You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today...
Michael Scott
Mm hm.
Jan Levinson
...and I have to get back to work.
Michael Scott
Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.
Jan Levinson
So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.
Michael Scott
But Ed truck can't because he is---
Jan Levinson
Goodbye. (hangs up)
Michael Scott
DEAD.
Dwight Schrute
Look (holding up sketch) I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us.
Michael Scott
That's perfect.

Scene 15

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Okay, that is a "no" on the on the West Side Market.
Karen Filippelli
Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now?
Jim Halpert
Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.
Karen Filippelli
I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.
Jim Halpert
Really?
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, all day.
Andy Bernard
Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.
Jim Halpert
Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy Bernard
Did you check the vending machine?
Karen Filippelli
Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim Halpert
I have no idea. We went right for the copier.
Karen Filippelli
Mm.
Jim Halpert
And then we checked the fax machine.
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, nothing there.
Andy Bernard
Did you check your... butt?

Scene 16

7 lines
Michael Scott
Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.
Phyllis Vance
Okay that's enough.
Michael Scott
What?
Stanley Hudson
We do not wanna hear about this.
Michael Scott
Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head!
Stanley Hudson
You have just spit on my face.
Michael Scott
Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
There are five stages to grief, which are (glancing at computer screen) denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.

Scene 18

5 lines
Michael Scott
I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.
Roy Anderson
Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car.
Michael Scott
Okay, fine. Hurry back.
Roy Anderson
(as they leave) There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the "grief counseling" session.
Pam Beesly
Oh. I would like a break.

Scene 19

5 lines
Roy Anderson
How are you likin' the new car?
Pam Beesly
Great.
Roy Anderson
Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?
Pam Beesly
I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders.
Roy Anderson
(laughs) Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah.

Scene 20

2 lines
Jim Halpert
(on phone) Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. (quickly hangs up) Shut up (to Karen).
Karen Filippelli
(laughing) Six?

Scene 21

40 lines
Michael Scott
(as Pam returns to conference room) Okay, we can start. Um...
Pam Beesly
You waited for me?
Michael Scott
Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?
Dwight Schrute
(grabbing ball) I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
Michael Scott
Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else.
Stanley Hudson
(throwing ball back) Nope.
Michael Scott
(returning ball to Stanley) Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.
Stanley Hudson
I will NOT. (throws ball back)
Michael Scott
Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.
Pam Beesly
Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.
Michael Scott
Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay.
Ryan Howard
(catching ball) Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael Scott
Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan Howard
Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Kevin Malone
Me, me, me, me, me me. (catches ball) Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so...
Michael Scott
Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. (upset) Do you think that this is a game?
Phyllis Vance
Well, there is a ball.
Michael Scott
All right, we're starting over.
Stanley Hudson
No, I'm done.
Michael Scott
You are not leaving. No! We are not done.
Angela Martin
We really have a lot of work to do right now.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. (breaking down)
Toby Flenderson
Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going.
Michael Scott
How do you know?
Toby Flenderson
What?
Michael Scott
That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?
Toby Flenderson
It was obvious...
Michael Scott
Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! (runs out of conference room crying)
Dwight Schrute
Michael! (following Michael downstairs) Michael. Michael ...
Michael Scott
(seeing bird) Oh, God!
Dwight Schrute
(in disgust) Oh...
Michael Scott
Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ...
Dwight Schrute
Poor little fella.
Michael Scott
Oh shhhh--oot!
Dwight Schrute
He is a goner.
Michael Scott
No, he's not.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Michael Scott
No, he's not. (cradling bird next to face)
Dwight Schrute
Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!
Michael Scott
Well, you can't get diseases from a bird!

Scene 22

4 lines
Angela Martin
A dead bird should not be in the kitchen!
Michael Scott
We don't know if it's dead.
Kelly Kapoor
Ugh, no that thing is dead.
Dwight Schrute
You want me to flush him?

Scene 23

5 lines
Michael Scott
Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.
Meredith Palmer
I have a lot of work to do.
Michael Scott
Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it.
Angela Martin
But...
Michael Scott
No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. (to Dwight) Find a box for him.

Scene 24

5 lines
Karen Filippelli
I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal.
Jim Halpert
Nice!
Karen Filippelli
(on phone) Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir.
Jim Halpert
Sounded good.
Karen Filippelli
Thanks.

Scene 25

3 lines
Kelly Kapoor
(crying)
Michael Scott
It's okay. It's okay. (pats Kelly on shoulder) Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show.
Kelly Kapoor
I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan (Michael walks away disgusted) for him to know that we have a date tonight?

Scene 26

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(trying to shove bird into a can) Argh... gah!
Michael Scott
What are... What are you doing?
Dwight Schrute
What? No, this is about the right size.
Michael Scott
No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!?

Scene 27

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. (pause) It would have fit if he had given me another minute.

Scene 28

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.
Pam Beesly
Is it for the bird?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
I have it covered. (hands Dwight a decorated box)
Dwight Schrute
Oh, thank you.
Pam Beesly
If you wanna do something for the funeral...
Dwight Schrute
Yes, please.
Pam Beesly
Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.
Dwight Schrute
Excellent.
Pam Beesly
Do you have it with you?
Dwight Schrute
Always. (runs off)

Scene 29

1 line
Pam Beesly
Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.

Scene 30

2 lines
Karen Filippelli
(spotting Herr's chips on her desk) Where'd you find them?
Jim Halpert
Where'd I find what?

Scene 31

1 line
Jim Halpert
I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.

Scene 32

5 lines
Michael Scott
Glad you could all make it.
Kelly Kapoor
You told us we had to.
Michael Scott
Dwight, do you have the box?
Pam Beesly
Actually, I have it.
Michael Scott
You made this? Wow. (impressed) That's... that's very nice.

Scene 33

1 line
Ryan Howard
When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking "I'm a little too old for this." And I was five.

Scene 34

11 lines
Pam Beesly
I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Pam Beesly
What do we know about this bird? You might think, "Not much. It's just a bird." But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.
Kevin Malone
Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny.
Pam Beesly
And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.
Dwight Schrute
He's not a songbird.
Michael Scott
Shhh.
Pam Beesly
An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.
Angela Martin
(quickly) Amen.
Dwight Schrute
(begins playing recorder)
Pam Beesly
(singing) Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ...

Scene 35

1 line
Michael Scott
Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Scene 36

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Let's get back to work.