Scene 0119 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Uh, no thanks, I'm good.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, it's okay, I'm going down.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Um... Yeah, absolutely.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, I'll be right back. (goes down pretend stairs)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (laughs uproariously and applauds) Whoo!Michael ScottOpen quote: (hands Ryan pencil) There you go.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Awesome!Ryan HowardOpen quote: Thank you.Michael ScottOpen quote: You're welcome.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse?Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. (goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay. (continues to laugh) Whoo!Michael ScottOpen quote: There you go, fresh from the warehouse.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?Michael ScottOpen quote: There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better.Ryan & othersOpen quote: Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great.Michael ScottOpen quote: (breathless) All right. Okay. (goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee)
Scene 021 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.
Scene 032 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: (after Michael returns with coffee) With cream and sugar?Michael ScottOpen quote: (sighs) All right.
Scene 044 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: (on speakerphone) So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael, Ed died over the weekend.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, wow.
Scene 055 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: That's a shame. Ed was a good guy.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up.
Scene 0610 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So did you hear the news?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: The news that you just announced? That Ed died?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Is there anything I can do?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: (holds out arms to Pam)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh. Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Mmmmmm.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (extricating herself) Okay.
Scene 076 linesJoshOpen quote: What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry.JoshOpen quote: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah, definitely.Andy BernardOpen quote: (coughing out his words) Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said?JoshOpen quote: Thank you, everyone.
Scene 086 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: (at vending machine) Dammit.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What's up?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please.
Scene 0913 linesCreed BrattonOpen quote: It's a real shame about Ed, huh?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'.Creed BrattonOpen quote: About what?Michael ScottOpen quote: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Ed was decapitated.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really?Creed BrattonOpen quote: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh my God.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart.Creed BrattonOpen quote: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You're thinking of a chicken.Creed BrattonOpen quote: What did I say?
Scene 101 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him.
Scene 115 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (clears throat) So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ed was decapitated.Michael ScottOpen quote: What are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You said you didn't know how to say it.Michael ScottOpen quote: I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out.
Scene 124 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey.Angela MartinOpen quote: Hi.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice.Angela MartinOpen quote: I do not wanna talk about this.
Scene 131 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Scene 1428 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (on speakerphone) I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off?Michael ScottOpen quote: You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Well, what would you suggest?Michael ScottOpen quote: (thoughtfully) A statue.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Of Ed?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: (scoffs) I'm not sure that's realistic.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: No, that's not---Michael ScottOpen quote: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That is not a statue, that is a robot.Michael ScottOpen quote: I think that is a great way to honor Ed.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And how big do you want this robot?Michael ScottOpen quote: Life-size.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What the hell are you two talking about?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today...Michael ScottOpen quote: Mm hm.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: ...and I have to get back to work.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation.Michael ScottOpen quote: But Ed truck can't because he is---Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Goodbye. (hangs up)Michael ScottOpen quote: DEAD.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Look (holding up sketch) I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us.Michael ScottOpen quote: That's perfect.
Scene 1515 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Okay, that is a "no" on the on the West Side Market.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Yeah, all day.Andy BernardOpen quote: Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen.Andy BernardOpen quote: Did you check the vending machine?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I have no idea. We went right for the copier.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Mm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And then we checked the fax machine.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Yeah, nothing there.Andy BernardOpen quote: Did you check your... butt?
Scene 167 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Okay that's enough.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: We do not wanna hear about this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head!Stanley HudsonOpen quote: You have just spit on my face.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work!
Scene 171 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: There are five stages to grief, which are (glancing at computer screen) denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job.
Scene 185 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, fine. Hurry back.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (as they leave) There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the "grief counseling" session.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh. I would like a break.
Scene 195 linesRoy AndersonOpen quote: How are you likin' the new car?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Great.Roy AndersonOpen quote: Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders.Roy AndersonOpen quote: (laughs) Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah.
Scene 202 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (on phone) Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. (quickly hangs up) Shut up (to Karen).Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (laughing) Six?
Scene 2140 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (as Pam returns to conference room) Okay, we can start. Um...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You waited for me?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (grabbing ball) I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: (throwing ball back) Nope.Michael ScottOpen quote: (returning ball to Stanley) Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: I will NOT. (throws ball back)Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay.Ryan HowardOpen quote: (catching ball) Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.Michael ScottOpen quote: Do you want to talk about it anymore?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Me, me, me, me, me me. (catches ball) Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so...Michael ScottOpen quote: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. (upset) Do you think that this is a game?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Well, there is a ball.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, we're starting over.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: No, I'm done.Michael ScottOpen quote: You are not leaving. No! We are not done.Angela MartinOpen quote: We really have a lot of work to do right now.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. (breaking down)Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going.Michael ScottOpen quote: How do you know?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It was obvious...Michael ScottOpen quote: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! (runs out of conference room crying)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael! (following Michael downstairs) Michael. Michael ...Michael ScottOpen quote: (seeing bird) Oh, God!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (in disgust) Oh...Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Poor little fella.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh shhhh--oot!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He is a goner.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, he's not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, he's not. (cradling bird next to face)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria!Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, you can't get diseases from a bird!
Scene 224 linesAngela MartinOpen quote: A dead bird should not be in the kitchen!Michael ScottOpen quote: We don't know if it's dead.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Ugh, no that thing is dead.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You want me to flush him?
Scene 235 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird.Meredith PalmerOpen quote: I have a lot of work to do.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it.Angela MartinOpen quote: But...Michael ScottOpen quote: No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. (to Dwight) Find a box for him.
Scene 245 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nice!Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (on phone) Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sounded good.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Thanks.
Scene 253 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: (crying)Michael ScottOpen quote: It's okay. It's okay. (pats Kelly on shoulder) Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan (Michael walks away disgusted) for him to know that we have a date tonight?
Scene 264 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (trying to shove bird into a can) Argh... gah!Michael ScottOpen quote: What are... What are you doing?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What? No, this is about the right size.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!?
Scene 271 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. (pause) It would have fit if he had given me another minute.
Scene 2811 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Is it for the bird?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I have it covered. (hands Dwight a decorated box)Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, thank you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: If you wanna do something for the funeral...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes, please.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Excellent.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you have it with you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Always. (runs off)
Scene 291 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into.
Scene 302 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: (spotting Herr's chips on her desk) Where'd you find them?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Where'd I find what?
Scene 311 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door.
Scene 325 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Glad you could all make it.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: You told us we had to.Michael ScottOpen quote: Dwight, do you have the box?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Actually, I have it.Michael ScottOpen quote: You made this? Wow. (impressed) That's... that's very nice.
Scene 331 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking "I'm a little too old for this." And I was five.
Scene 3411 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What do we know about this bird? You might think, "Not much. It's just a bird." But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: He's not a songbird.Michael ScottOpen quote: Shhh.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.Angela MartinOpen quote: (quickly) Amen.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (begins playing recorder)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (singing) Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ...
Scene 351 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
