Scene 0111 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?Ryan HowardOpen quote: A dime and a nickel.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, I said one of them is not a nickel.Ryan HowardOpen quote: But the other one is. I've heard that before.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...Ryan HowardOpen quote: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...Ryan HowardOpen quote: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: A hunter.Ryan HowardOpen quote: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Damn it!
Scene 028 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: Tell me what you did yesterday.Michael ScottOpen quote: Uhhh... nothing.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Nothing?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah, nothing. How was your day?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I don't care how your day was Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Tell me what you did yesterday.Michael ScottOpen quote: I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?
Scene 031 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.
Scene 045 linesJan LevinsonOpen quote: Hi, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hi.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, I don't know if I'm...Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Thanks Pam.
Scene 051 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five.
Scene 065 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: So you excited?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Very excited?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yes. I'm very excited.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.
Scene 071 lineRyan HowardOpen quote: I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited.
Scene 081 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?
Scene 092 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? (car stops) So where's the sales office?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.
Scene 108 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: (squeaky chair) Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: What?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: My chair is squeaking.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Is it?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: You took my chair.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so...Jim HalpertOpen quote: So I guess I can't get up.
Scene 111 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.
Scene 123 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you know where we are, temp?Ryan HowardOpen quote: I know where we're not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. (Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand) AH! (Ryan tries again and takes seed) When... Damn it.
Scene 137 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sure.Andy BernardOpen quote: Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: That's it? That's what you came up with?Andy BernardOpen quote: I'm acting my heart out here.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Really?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.
Scene 141 lineAnnouncerOpen quote: Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants.
Scene 151 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is.
Scene 161 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me.
Scene 188 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I don't think you know what you're saying.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Uh huh.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Gotcha.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Ok. (Dwight drives away) Of course.
Scene 191 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.
Scene 2014 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: Because they acted all tough and everything...Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh huh.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to...Michael ScottOpen quote: (Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line) Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: I'm just saying hi to Bob.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I think you're cutting in line.BobOpen quote: Well settle down, Scott.Michael ScottOpen quote: No, I'm not going to settle down.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: No way.Michael ScottOpen quote: Get in the back please.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.Michael ScottOpen quote: Boooooo. Thank you. (hi-five's Stanley). That's right.BobOpen quote: What a pair of Mary's.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: This is Pretzel Day.
Scene 212 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.
Scene 228 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: (rocks in squeaky chair)Jim HalpertOpen quote: (sings) Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me,Karen FilippelliOpen quote: stop.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love meKaren FilippelliOpen quote: This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please.Jim HalpertOpen quote: fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me,Karen FilippelliOpen quote: This is not a proportionate response.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.
Scene 231 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?
Scene 248 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.Michael ScottOpen quote: I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel.Michael ScottOpen quote: Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today.Michael ScottOpen quote: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back.
Scene 255 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Come on!
Scene 268 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: Thank you! (takes pretzel)Michael ScottOpen quote: Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.Pretzel guyOpen quote: We do.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank God.Pretzel guyOpen quote: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.Michael ScottOpen quote: Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?Pretzel guyOpen quote: The Works. You got it.Michael ScottOpen quote: All right! Thank you!
Scene 275 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Please be seated. (man runs behind Dwight)Ryan HowardOpen quote: Who was that?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Is that your Cousin Mose?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yes.
Scene 281 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.
Scene 295 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Depression?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?
Scene 308 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?Angela MartinOpen quote: Sales take a long time.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh my God, I'm so worried.Angela MartinOpen quote: I'm sure Dwight will protect him.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I don't know. Dwight's so weird.Angela MartinOpen quote: He's not weird, he's just individualistic.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: No, he's a freak.Angela MartinOpen quote: You're a freak!
Scene 319 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Um, loneliness. Maybe women.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.Ryan HowardOpen quote: No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Wrestle him to the ground.Ryan HowardOpen quote: No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?MoseOpen quote: Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Where are all the animals?
Scene 321 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.
Scene 333 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Screwgun. The sales call!
Scene 342 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: (Michael is listening to "Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter" and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song) Hey! Hey!Michael ScottOpen quote: Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?
Scene 353 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Establish time frames. Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Wait, can you go back?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
Scene 369 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: Ok, I'm going to establish time frames.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Good.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I'm going to put everything in terms of "real dollars".Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Right.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh huh.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Exactly. Yes.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky.
Scene 378 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second...Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Second?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Account...? Michael, what is going on?Michael ScottOpen quote: And I will be taking questions.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What's on your suit?Michael ScottOpen quote: Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!
Scene 385 linesRyan HowardOpen quote: They really didn't like me.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? (Ryan throws egg at building) Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.Ryan HowardOpen quote: You drive.
Scene 391 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.
Scene 402 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: (Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink) Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I think about that all the time.
Scene 4149 linesKevin MaloneOpen quote: Night, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Night.Michael ScottOpen quote: Hey, what time is it?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: 20 past 5.Michael ScottOpen quote: AM or PM?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: PM.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: This is a huge sale.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes. Right. Good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Night, Michael.Michael ScottOpen quote: Goodnight!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (phone rings) Dunder Mifflin.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ah, hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my God.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hi.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hi.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah, totally. So...Jim HalpertOpen quote: So...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Do you...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: A little different. What time is it there?Jim HalpertOpen quote: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, yeah. Right.Jim HalpertOpen quote: How far away did you think we were?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I don't know. It felt far.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. I have a question for you.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What?Jim HalpertOpen quote: How many words per minute does the average person type?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I type 90.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's true.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, I said average.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: 70? How many do you type?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Come on. Tell me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You have to tell me now.Jim HalpertOpen quote: 65. Ok, no need to laugh.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, it's, that's respectable.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Respectable?
Scene 4237 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: And, I'm freaking out.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That movie is so scary!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I know!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No, you're making this up!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Would I make that up?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.Jim HalpertOpen quote: And how many kitchens?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I have one kitchen.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's actually...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Most apartments these days have like three.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Three kitchens?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: (Ryan and Dwight enter) Hey, Ryan, are you ok?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pam?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah. Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Pam?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Um. Ok, bye.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I was um...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, no no.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You have to go?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, uh, well.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: No, I should probably go too.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I mean, yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. Bye Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Bye Jim.
Scene 431 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day.