Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Initiation

Vol. 3 · Issue 5Scranton, PA

Every line from "Initiation" is right here, from Dwight’s bizarre farm tests for Ryan to Michael’s legendary quest for a pretzel with "the works." You can look through the full script to find your favorite Mose moments or that long-awaited phone call between Jim and Pam. It's the best way to catch all the awkwardness of the temp's first real sales call.

Scene 01

11 lines
Dwight Schrute
Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan Howard
A dime and a nickel.
Dwight Schrute
No, I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan Howard
But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight Schrute
Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...
Ryan Howard
Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight Schrute
A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan Howard
He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.
Dwight Schrute
A hunter.
Ryan Howard
It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight Schrute
Damn it!

Scene 02

8 lines
Jan Levinson
Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael Scott
Uhhh... nothing.
Jan Levinson
Nothing?
Michael Scott
Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
Jan Levinson
I don't care how your day was Michael.
Michael Scott
Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?
Jan Levinson
Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael Scott
I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?

Scene 03

1 line
Michael Scott
Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.

Scene 04

5 lines
Jan Levinson
Hi, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Jan Levinson
I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I don't know if I'm...
Jan Levinson
Thanks Pam.

Scene 05

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five.

Scene 06

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
So you excited?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Very excited?
Ryan Howard
Yes. I'm very excited.
Dwight Schrute
Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.

Scene 07

1 line
Ryan Howard
I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?

Scene 09

2 lines
Ryan Howard
So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? (car stops) So where's the sales office?
Dwight Schrute
When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.

Scene 10

8 lines
Karen Filippelli
(squeaky chair) Hey.
Jim Halpert
What?
Karen Filippelli
My chair is squeaking.
Jim Halpert
Is it?
Karen Filippelli
You took my chair.
Jim Halpert
No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.
Karen Filippelli
When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so...
Jim Halpert
So I guess I can't get up.

Scene 11

1 line
Michael Scott
Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.

Scene 12

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Do you know where we are, temp?
Ryan Howard
I know where we're not.
Dwight Schrute
I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. (Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand) AH! (Ryan tries again and takes seed) When... Damn it.

Scene 13

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second.
Jim Halpert
Sure.
Andy Bernard
Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?
Karen Filippelli
That's it? That's what you came up with?
Andy Bernard
I'm acting my heart out here.
Karen Filippelli
Really?
Andy Bernard
Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.

Scene 14

1 line
Announcer
Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants.

Scene 15

1 line
Pam Beesly
Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is.

Scene 16

1 line
Michael Scott
Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
(looks at long pretzel line) Oh, shhh... Come on.

Scene 18

8 lines
Dwight Schrute
And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan Howard
I don't think you know what you're saying.
Dwight Schrute
Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
Ryan Howard
Uh huh.
Dwight Schrute
It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Ryan Howard
Gotcha.
Dwight Schrute
Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.
Ryan Howard
Ok. (Dwight drives away) Of course.

Scene 19

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.

Scene 20

14 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Because they acted all tough and everything...
Michael Scott
Uh huh.
Kelly Kapoor
But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to...
Michael Scott
(Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line) Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?
Phyllis Vance
I'm just saying hi to Bob.
Michael Scott
No, I think you're cutting in line.
Bob
Well settle down, Scott.
Michael Scott
No, I'm not going to settle down.
Stanley Hudson
No way.
Michael Scott
Get in the back please.
Stanley Hudson
Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.
Michael Scott
Boooooo. Thank you. (hi-five's Stanley). That's right.
Bob
What a pair of Mary's.
Stanley Hudson
This is Pretzel Day.

Scene 21

2 lines
Ryan Howard
Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.
Dwight Schrute
Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.

Scene 22

8 lines
Karen Filippelli
(rocks in squeaky chair)
Jim Halpert
(sings) Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me,
Karen Filippelli
stop.
Jim Halpert
Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me
Karen Filippelli
This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please.
Jim Halpert
fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me,
Karen Filippelli
This is not a proportionate response.
Jim Halpert
Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.

Scene 23

1 line
Andy Bernard
I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?

Scene 24

8 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael.
Michael Scott
No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind.
Pam Beesly
Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.
Michael Scott
I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel.
Pam Beesly
Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel.
Michael Scott
Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.
Pam Beesly
You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today.
Michael Scott
Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back.

Scene 25

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
Ryan Howard
Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it.
Dwight Schrute
You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
Come on!

Scene 26

8 lines
Stanley Hudson
Thank you! (takes pretzel)
Michael Scott
Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel guy
We do.
Michael Scott
Thank God.
Pretzel guy
And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.
Michael Scott
Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?
Pretzel guy
The Works. You got it.
Michael Scott
All right! Thank you!

Scene 27

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
Please be seated. (man runs behind Dwight)
Ryan Howard
Who was that?
Dwight Schrute
Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan Howard
Is that your Cousin Mose?
Dwight Schrute
Yes.

Scene 28

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.

Scene 29

5 lines
Dwight Schrute
What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan Howard
Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Dwight Schrute
Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?
Ryan Howard
Depression?
Dwight Schrute
Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?

Scene 30

8 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?
Angela Martin
Sales take a long time.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh my God, I'm so worried.
Angela Martin
I'm sure Dwight will protect him.
Kelly Kapoor
I don't know. Dwight's so weird.
Angela Martin
He's not weird, he's just individualistic.
Kelly Kapoor
No, he's a freak.
Angela Martin
You're a freak!

Scene 31

9 lines
Dwight Schrute
Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Ryan Howard
Um, loneliness. Maybe women.
Dwight Schrute
Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.
Ryan Howard
No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK.
Dwight Schrute
Wrestle him to the ground.
Ryan Howard
No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye.
Dwight Schrute
Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?
Mose
Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice.
Dwight Schrute
Where are all the animals?

Scene 32

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.

Scene 33

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.
Ryan Howard
Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call.
Dwight Schrute
Screwgun. The sales call!

Scene 34

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(Michael is listening to "Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter" and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song) Hey! Hey!
Michael Scott
Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?

Scene 35

3 lines
Dwight Schrute
Establish time frames. Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.
Ryan Howard
Wait, can you go back?
Dwight Schrute
Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.

Scene 36

9 lines
Ryan Howard
Ok, I'm going to establish time frames.
Dwight Schrute
Good.
Ryan Howard
I'm going to put everything in terms of "real dollars".
Dwight Schrute
Right.
Ryan Howard
I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.
Dwight Schrute
Uh huh.
Ryan Howard
Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing.
Dwight Schrute
Exactly. Yes.
Ryan Howard
I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky.

Scene 37

8 lines
Michael Scott
Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second...
Toby Flenderson
Second?
Michael Scott
Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Kevin Malone
Account...? Michael, what is going on?
Michael Scott
And I will be taking questions.
Pam Beesly
Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
Phyllis Vance
What's on your suit?
Michael Scott
Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!

Scene 38

5 lines
Ryan Howard
They really didn't like me.
Dwight Schrute
They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.
Ryan Howard
I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.
Dwight Schrute
Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? (Ryan throws egg at building) Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.
Ryan Howard
You drive.

Scene 39

1 line
Pam Beesly
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.

Scene 40

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
(Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink) Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan Howard
I think about that all the time.

Scene 41

49 lines
Kevin Malone
Night, Pam.
Pam Beesly
Night.
Michael Scott
Hey, what time is it?
Pam Beesly
20 past 5.
Michael Scott
AM or PM?
Pam Beesly
PM.
Michael Scott
Oh, good.
Pam Beesly
These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?
Michael Scott
Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.
Pam Beesly
This is a huge sale.
Michael Scott
Yes. Right. Good.
Pam Beesly
Night, Michael.
Michael Scott
Goodnight!
Pam Beesly
(phone rings) Dunder Mifflin.
Jim Halpert
Ah, hey.
Pam Beesly
Oh my God.
Jim Halpert
Hi.
Pam Beesly
Hi.
Jim Halpert
Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing.
Pam Beesly
Oh.
Jim Halpert
And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there?
Pam Beesly
I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Jim Halpert
Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, totally. So...
Jim Halpert
So...
Pam Beesly
Do you...
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Pam Beesly
Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here.
Jim Halpert
Oh, good.
Pam Beesly
A little different. What time is it there?
Jim Halpert
What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah. Right.
Jim Halpert
How far away did you think we were?
Pam Beesly
I don't know. It felt far.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. I have a question for you.
Pam Beesly
What?
Jim Halpert
How many words per minute does the average person type?
Pam Beesly
I type 90.
Jim Halpert
Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.
Pam Beesly
It's true.
Jim Halpert
Ok, I said average.
Pam Beesly
70? How many do you type?
Jim Halpert
Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.
Pam Beesly
Come on. Tell me.
Jim Halpert
No.
Pam Beesly
You have to tell me now.
Jim Halpert
65. Ok, no need to laugh.
Pam Beesly
No, it's, that's respectable.
Jim Halpert
Respectable?

Scene 42

37 lines
Pam Beesly
So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself...
Jim Halpert
Right.
Pam Beesly
Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Pam Beesly
And, I'm freaking out.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Pam Beesly
That movie is so scary!
Jim Halpert
I know!
Pam Beesly
But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Jim Halpert
No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Pam Beesly
Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
Jim Halpert
No, you're making this up!
Pam Beesly
Would I make that up?
Jim Halpert
Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories.
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.
Jim Halpert
And how many kitchens?
Pam Beesly
I have one kitchen.
Jim Halpert
Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley.
Pam Beesly
It's actually...
Jim Halpert
Most apartments these days have like three.
Pam Beesly
Three kitchens?
Jim Halpert
Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?
Pam Beesly
(Ryan and Dwight enter) Hey, Ryan, are you ok?
Jim Halpert
Pam?
Ryan Howard
Yeah. Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Pam?
Pam Beesly
Um. Ok, bye.
Jim Halpert
Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.
Pam Beesly
No, I was um...
Jim Halpert
Oh, no no.
Pam Beesly
You have to go?
Jim Halpert
Yeah, uh, well.
Pam Beesly
No, I should probably go too.
Jim Halpert
Ok.
Pam Beesly
I mean, yeah.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Bye Pam.
Pam Beesly
Bye Jim.

Scene 43

1 line
Stanley Hudson
Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day.