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Season 3 Episode 5

Every line from The Office episode "Initiation", season 3 episode 5.

Dwight Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan Howard: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight Schrute: No, I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan Howard: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...
Ryan Howard: Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan Howard: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.
Dwight Schrute: A hunter.
Ryan Howard: It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight Schrute: Damn it!
Jan Levinson: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael Scott: Uhhh... nothing.
Jan Levinson: Nothing?
Michael Scott: Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
Jan Levinson: I don't care how your day was Michael.
Michael Scott: Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?
Jan Levinson: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael Scott: I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?
Michael Scott: Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.
Jan Levinson: Hi, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Hi.
Jan Levinson: I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I don't know if I'm...
Jan Levinson: Thanks Pam.
Pam Beesly: It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five.
Dwight Schrute: So you excited?
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Very excited?
Ryan Howard: Yes. I'm very excited.
Dwight Schrute: Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool.
Ryan Howard: I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited.
Dwight Schrute: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions?
Ryan Howard: So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? (car stops) So where's the sales office?
Dwight Schrute: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.
Karen Filippelli: (squeaky chair) Hey.
Jim Halpert: What?
Karen Filippelli: My chair is squeaking.
Jim Halpert: Is it?
Karen Filippelli: You took my chair.
Jim Halpert: No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.
Karen Filippelli: When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so...
Jim Halpert: So I guess I can't get up.
Michael Scott: Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too.
Dwight Schrute: Do you know where we are, temp?
Ryan Howard: I know where we're not.
Dwight Schrute: I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. (Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand) AH! (Ryan tries again and takes seed) When... Damn it.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second.
Jim Halpert: Sure.
Andy Bernard: Can you stand up? And talk to me over there?
Karen Filippelli: That's it? That's what you came up with?
Andy Bernard: I'm acting my heart out here.
Karen Filippelli: Really?
Andy Bernard: Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.
Announcer: Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants.
Pam Beesly: Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is.
Michael Scott: Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me.
Michael Scott: (looks at long pretzel line) Oh, shhh... Come on.
Dwight Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan Howard: I don't think you know what you're saying.
Dwight Schrute: Smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
Ryan Howard: Uh huh.
Dwight Schrute: It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Ryan Howard: Gotcha.
Dwight Schrute: Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.
Ryan Howard: Ok. (Dwight drives away) Of course.
Stanley Hudson: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.
Kelly Kapoor: Because they acted all tough and everything...
Michael Scott: Uh huh.
Kelly Kapoor: But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to...
Michael Scott: (Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line) Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing?
Phyllis Vance: I'm just saying hi to Bob.
Michael Scott: No, I think you're cutting in line.
Bob: Well settle down, Scott.
Michael Scott: No, I'm not going to settle down.
Stanley Hudson: No way.
Michael Scott: Get in the back please.
Stanley Hudson: Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line.
Michael Scott: Boooooo. Thank you. (hi-five's Stanley). That's right.
Bob: What a pair of Mary's.
Stanley Hudson: This is Pretzel Day.
Ryan Howard: Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship.
Dwight Schrute: Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm.
Karen Filippelli: (rocks in squeaky chair)
Jim Halpert: (sings) Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me,
Karen Filippelli: stop.
Jim Halpert: Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me
Karen Filippelli: This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please.
Jim Halpert: fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me,
Karen Filippelli: This is not a proportionate response.
Jim Halpert: Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.
Andy Bernard: I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys?
Pam Beesly: Michael.
Michael Scott: No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind.
Pam Beesly: Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks.
Michael Scott: I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel.
Pam Beesly: Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel.
Michael Scott: Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown.
Pam Beesly: You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today.
Michael Scott: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back.
Dwight Schrute: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
Ryan Howard: Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it.
Dwight Schrute: You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Ryan Howard: Yeah.
Dwight Schrute: Come on!
Stanley Hudson: Thank you! (takes pretzel)
Michael Scott: Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel guy: We do.
Michael Scott: Thank God.
Pretzel guy: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar.
Michael Scott: Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them?
Pretzel guy: The Works. You got it.
Michael Scott: All right! Thank you!
Dwight Schrute: Please be seated. (man runs behind Dwight)
Ryan Howard: Who was that?
Dwight Schrute: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan Howard: Is that your Cousin Mose?
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.
Dwight Schrute: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan Howard: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?
Ryan Howard: Depression?
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative?
Kelly Kapoor: I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?
Angela Martin: Sales take a long time.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh my God, I'm so worried.
Angela Martin: I'm sure Dwight will protect him.
Kelly Kapoor: I don't know. Dwight's so weird.
Angela Martin: He's not weird, he's just individualistic.
Kelly Kapoor: No, he's a freak.
Angela Martin: You're a freak!
Dwight Schrute: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Ryan Howard: Um, loneliness. Maybe women.
Dwight Schrute: Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose.
Ryan Howard: No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK.
Dwight Schrute: Wrestle him to the ground.
Ryan Howard: No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye.
Dwight Schrute: Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan?
Mose: Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice.
Dwight Schrute: Where are all the animals?
Dwight Schrute: Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled.
Dwight Schrute: You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams.
Ryan Howard: Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call.
Dwight Schrute: Screwgun. The sales call!
Kevin Malone: (Michael is listening to "Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter" and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song) Hey! Hey!
Michael Scott: Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal?
Dwight Schrute: Establish time frames. Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much.
Ryan Howard: Wait, can you go back?
Dwight Schrute: Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time.
Ryan Howard: Ok, I'm going to establish time frames.
Dwight Schrute: Good.
Ryan Howard: I'm going to put everything in terms of "real dollars".
Dwight Schrute: Right.
Ryan Howard: I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers.
Dwight Schrute: Uh huh.
Ryan Howard: Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing.
Dwight Schrute: Exactly. Yes.
Ryan Howard: I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky.
Michael Scott: Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second...
Toby Flenderson: Second?
Michael Scott: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Kevin Malone: Account...? Michael, what is going on?
Michael Scott: And I will be taking questions.
Pam Beesly: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
Phyllis Vance: What's on your suit?
Michael Scott: Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much!
Ryan Howard: They really didn't like me.
Dwight Schrute: They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face.
Ryan Howard: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.
Dwight Schrute: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? (Ryan throws egg at building) Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive.
Ryan Howard: You drive.
Pam Beesly: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan.
Dwight Schrute: (Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink) Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan Howard: I think about that all the time.
Kevin Malone: Night, Pam.
Pam Beesly: Night.
Michael Scott: Hey, what time is it?
Pam Beesly: 20 past 5.
Michael Scott: AM or PM?
Pam Beesly: PM.
Michael Scott: Oh, good.
Pam Beesly: These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli?
Michael Scott: Oh. Koselli. With the Jello.
Pam Beesly: This is a huge sale.
Michael Scott: Yes. Right. Good.
Pam Beesly: Night, Michael.
Michael Scott: Goodnight!
Pam Beesly: (phone rings) Dunder Mifflin.
Jim Halpert: Ah, hey.
Pam Beesly: Oh my God.
Jim Halpert: Hi.
Pam Beesly: Hi.
Jim Halpert: Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing.
Pam Beesly: Oh.
Jim Halpert: And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there?
Pam Beesly: I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Jim Halpert: Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, totally. So...
Jim Halpert: So...
Pam Beesly: Do you...
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Pam Beesly: Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here.
Jim Halpert: Oh, good.
Pam Beesly: A little different. What time is it there?
Jim Halpert: What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone.
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah. Right.
Jim Halpert: How far away did you think we were?
Pam Beesly: I don't know. It felt far.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I have a question for you.
Pam Beesly: What?
Jim Halpert: How many words per minute does the average person type?
Pam Beesly: I type 90.
Jim Halpert: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.
Pam Beesly: It's true.
Jim Halpert: Ok, I said average.
Pam Beesly: 70? How many do you type?
Jim Halpert: Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it.
Pam Beesly: Come on. Tell me.
Jim Halpert: No.
Pam Beesly: You have to tell me now.
Jim Halpert: 65. Ok, no need to laugh.
Pam Beesly: No, it's, that's respectable.
Jim Halpert: Respectable?
Pam Beesly: So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself...
Jim Halpert: Right.
Pam Beesly: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Pam Beesly: And, I'm freaking out.
Jim Halpert: Yeah.
Pam Beesly: That movie is so scary!
Jim Halpert: I know!
Pam Beesly: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Jim Halpert: No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Pam Beesly: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
Jim Halpert: No, you're making this up!
Pam Beesly: Would I make that up?
Jim Halpert: Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories.
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.
Jim Halpert: And how many kitchens?
Pam Beesly: I have one kitchen.
Jim Halpert: Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley.
Pam Beesly: It's actually...
Jim Halpert: Most apartments these days have like three.
Pam Beesly: Three kitchens?
Jim Halpert: Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?
Pam Beesly: (Ryan and Dwight enter) Hey, Ryan, are you ok?
Jim Halpert: Pam?
Ryan Howard: Yeah. Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Pam?
Pam Beesly: Um. Ok, bye.
Jim Halpert: Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too.
Pam Beesly: No, I was um...
Jim Halpert: Oh, no no.
Pam Beesly: You have to go?
Jim Halpert: Yeah, uh, well.
Pam Beesly: No, I should probably go too.
Jim Halpert: Ok.
Pam Beesly: I mean, yeah.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Bye Pam.
Pam Beesly: Bye Jim.
Stanley Hudson: Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 5 season 3. Initiation is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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