Every line from The Office episode "Diwali", season 3 episode 6.
Kelly Kapoor: Here you go.
Michael Scott: Nice dress, Ryan.
Kelly Kapoor: It's not a dress. It's a kurta.
Michael Scott: (laughing) OK.
Michael Scott: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it (girly voice) it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. (normal voice) Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.
Phyllis Vance: Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people.
Pam Beesly: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Meredith Palmer: Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.
Kelly Kapoor: I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends.
Pam Beesly: I just feel kind of tired, you know.
Dwight Schrute: Maybe you've got mono.
Pam Beesly: Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right?
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.
Kevin Malone: Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?
Roy Anderson: I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going?
Kevin Malone: Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going?
Angela Martin: Don't go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael Scott: Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.
Michael Scott: It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby.
Stanley Hudson: I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
Michael Scott: Wha? Really? You should! It's fun.
Michael Scott: Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on.
Kelly Kapoor: Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um...
Kelly Kapoor: Sparkles...
Michael Scott: Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think.
Angela Martin: How many gods do you have?
Kelly Kapoor: Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
Angela Martin: (points at picture on the wall) And that blue busty gal? What's her story?
Kevin Malone: She looks like Pam from the neck down.
Dwight Schrute: Pam wishes. (generalized laughing) Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil...
Michael Scott: All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'.
Michael Scott: Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. (slide show) Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... '
Dwight Schrute: I see dead people.
Michael Scott: Okay. Spoiler... alert.
Dwight Schrute: He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott: Just stop it. (slide of Michael & Carol kissing) What's the... oh, whoa! (laughs) Where did that come from?
Tony: Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms.
Karen Filippelli: Oh. Did you shake it?
Tony: Yeah, I shook it, I shook it.
Michael Scott: And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before?
Creed Bratton: I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'.
Meredith Palmer: Oh, that's what they call it.
Kevin Malone: This is the best meeting we've ever had.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Kevin.
Angela Martin: I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott: Well, I find it beautiful.
Angela Martin: Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Toby Flenderson: Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these.
Michael Scott: No, You're not going to collect them.
Michael Scott: No. This is delightful, charming culture.
Josh: All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner.
Karen Filippelli: Thanks.
Josh: And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time.
Karen Filippelli: Got it.
Carol: (wearing cheerleader costume) I thought you said this was a costume party!
Michael Scott: (points at woman) What does that look like to you?
Carol: An Indian woman in a sari.
Michael Scott: No one's even going to notice.
Kevin Malone: Nice outfit.
Michael Scott: Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.
Michael Scott: I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions...
Angela Martin: I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Server: It's all vegetarian.
Angela Martin: I'll just have some bread. You used your hands.
Michael Scott: Oh, yuck. (spits out food)
Michael Scott: No. These s'mores are disgusting.
Carol: They're not s'mores. They're samosas.
Michael Scott: Do you think they have any s'mores?
Ryan Howard: So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh?
Girls: (laugh) Kelly Zach Braff (speaks in Hindi)
Kelly Kapoor: Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
Ryan Howard: They said something about Zach Braff.
Kelly Kapoor: Don't even listen to them. They're so...
Ryan Howard: No, you don't...
Kelly Kapoor: I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at!
Kelly's Mom: Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome.
Kelly Kapoor: Uh... excuse me. I want to get a...
Kelly's Mom: He's a perfect match.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?
Andy Bernard: One. Two. Three. Shot!
Jim Halpert: Oh, Holy Mother of God.
Andy Bernard: Oh, that burns! Golly. Um...
Michael Scott: Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?
Kelly's Father: How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael Scott: Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet!
Kelly's Mom: She is very fair.
Michael Scott: She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks!
Michael Scott: I'm going to be. (to DJ) Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. (speaks in microphone) Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Michael Scott: What do you say?
Carol: Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: I didn't hear you. (laughs)
Carol: (louder) Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott: (lowers microphone) Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay.
Michael Scott: No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic...
Carol: This is the ninth date, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much.
Carol: I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right?
Michael Scott: Ok. Okay. Good night. (louder) Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.
Carol: Okay, good night, Michael.
Michael Scott: All right. Good night.
Ryan Howard: Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive.
Kelly's Mom: So you're saving money...
Kelly's Mom: ...to start a family and home.
Ryan Howard: Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox.
Kelly's Father: Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?
Pam Beesly: It's hot in there. How's the naan?
Angela Martin: Dry. You look like you were having fun.
Pam Beesly: I am. You should come dance with us.
Angela Martin: I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting?
Andy Bernard: (sings Indigo Girls) I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children...
Karen Filippelli: Andy, no acappella.
Andy Bernard: (sings) I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain.
Andy & Jim: (sing) There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
Andy Bernard: Wait, wait.
Andy & Jim: (sing) the less I seek my source...
Karen Filippelli: Oh, come on, guys. Please.
Andy & Jim: (sing) the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to..
Karen Filippelli: It's not good.
Andy & Jim: (sing) fi-i-i-ine!
Andy Bernard: TUNA! Are you kidding me!!
Michael Scott: Oh, God! (chokes on food) Oh. Wow.
Pam Beesly: Here. (hands drink)
Michael Scott: That's so spicy.
Michael Scott: Oh. You waiting for a call?
Michael Scott: Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam Beesly: Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael Scott: I was in that marriage arena, though.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Uuuuh... well.
Pam Beesly: I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.
Michael Scott: We're so alike. So alike. (leans in to kiss her)
Pam Beesly: What are you doing?
Michael Scott: What are you doing?
Pam Beesly: I'm rejecting your...
Michael Scott: I'm... what? I didn't
Michael Scott: (scoffing noises) Can I have a ride home?
Pam Beesly: If you sit in the back.
Karen Filippelli: Goodnight, guys.
Jim Halpert: Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike.
Andy Bernard: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin.
Karen Filippelli: Hey dummy, get in the car!
Jim Halpert: I'm a drunk driver.
Karen Filippelli: Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car.
Jim Halpert: Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, you can't.
Jim Halpert: No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right.
Karen Filippelli: Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay?
Michael Scott: This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. (sings) Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!
Crowd: (loud clapping, cheering, and whistling)
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 6 season 3. Diwali is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.