Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Diwali

Vol. 3 · Issue 6Scranton, PA

Kelly invites the Dunder Mifflin crew to a Diwali celebration, but Michael mistakenly thinks it’s a costume party. You’ll find every hilarious line from the night here, including Michael’s cringeworthy proposal and his original "Diwali" song. Check out the full script to see how Ryan handles meeting Kelly's sisters while the Stamford branch gets tipsy on Jagermeister.

Scene 01

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Here you go.
Michael Scott
Nice dress, Ryan.
Kelly Kapoor
It's not a dress. It's a kurta.
Michael Scott
(laughing) OK.

Scene 02

1 line
Michael Scott
Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it (girly voice) it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. (normal voice) Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Scene 03

5 lines
Kelly Kapoor
You look so handsome.
Pam Beesly
Really you do. I love the material.
Kelly Kapoor
I know.
Michael Scott
How come you didn't get me one?
Kelly Kapoor
I...

Scene 04

4 lines
Phyllis Vance
Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people.
Pam Beesly
I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Meredith Palmer
Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet.

Scene 05

6 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends.
Pam Beesly
I just feel kind of tired, you know.
Dwight Schrute
Maybe you've got mono.
Pam Beesly
Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with.
Kelly Kapoor
Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right?
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.

Scene 06

5 lines
Kevin Malone
Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight?
Roy Anderson
I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going?
Kevin Malone
Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going?
Angela Martin
Don't go. They eat monkey brains.
Michael Scott
Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.

Scene 07

3 lines
Michael Scott
It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby.
Stanley Hudson
I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.
Michael Scott
Wha? Really? You should! It's fun.

Scene 08

1 line
Michael Scott
I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol.

Scene 09

12 lines
Michael Scott
Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on.
Kelly Kapoor
Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um...
Michael Scott
Kelly?
Kelly Kapoor
Sparkles...
Michael Scott
Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday.
Kelly Kapoor
Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think.
Angela Martin
How many gods do you have?
Kelly Kapoor
Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.
Angela Martin
(points at picture on the wall) And that blue busty gal? What's her story?
Kevin Malone
She looks like Pam from the neck down.
Dwight Schrute
Pam wishes. (generalized laughing) Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil...
Michael Scott
All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'.

Scene 10

1 line
Jim Halpert
Sorry.

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.

Scene 12

2 lines
Karen Filippelli
Nice basket.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.

Scene 13

5 lines
Michael Scott
Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. (slide show) Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... '
Dwight Schrute
I see dead people.
Michael Scott
Okay. Spoiler... alert.
Dwight Schrute
He was dead the whole time.
Michael Scott
Just stop it. (slide of Michael & Carol kissing) What's the... oh, whoa! (laughs) Where did that come from?

Scene 14

3 lines
Tony
Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms.
Karen Filippelli
Oh. Did you shake it?
Tony
Yeah, I shook it, I shook it.

Scene 15

6 lines
Andy Bernard
We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I.
Jim Halpert
'Scuse me?
Andy Bernard
Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Andy Bernard
From 'Cheers'.
Jim Halpert
Yup.

Scene 16

13 lines
Michael Scott
And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before?
Creed Bratton
I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'.
Meredith Palmer
Oh, that's what they call it.
Kevin Malone
This is the best meeting we've ever had.
Michael Scott
Thank you, Kevin.
Angela Martin
I find this incredibly offensive.
Michael Scott
Well, I find it beautiful.
Angela Martin
Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it.
Michael Scott
No...
Toby Flenderson
Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these.
Michael Scott
No, You're not going to collect them.
Toby Flenderson
Yes.
Michael Scott
No. This is delightful, charming culture.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight.

Scene 18

4 lines
Josh
All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner.
Karen Filippelli
Thanks.
Josh
And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time.
Karen Filippelli
Got it.

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.

Scene 20

3 lines
Andy Bernard
You guys ready to party?
Jim Halpert
What's that?
Andy Bernard
I said are you ready TO PARTY!

Scene 21

3 lines
Phyllis Vance
Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?
Angela Martin
I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin Malone
Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you.

Scene 22

6 lines
Carol
(wearing cheerleader costume) I thought you said this was a costume party!
Michael Scott
(points at woman) What does that look like to you?
Carol
An Indian woman in a sari.
Michael Scott
No one's even going to notice.
Kevin Malone
Nice outfit.
Michael Scott
Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol.

Scene 23

4 lines
Michael Scott
I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions...
Angela Martin
I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat?
Server
It's all vegetarian.
Angela Martin
I'll just have some bread. You used your hands.

Scene 24

5 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, yuck. (spits out food)
Carol
What? Too spicy?
Michael Scott
No. These s'mores are disgusting.
Carol
They're not s'mores. They're samosas.
Michael Scott
Do you think they have any s'mores?

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

Scene 26

7 lines
Ryan Howard
So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh?
Girls
(laugh) Kelly Zach Braff (speaks in Hindi)
Ryan Howard
What?
Kelly Kapoor
Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys.
Ryan Howard
They said something about Zach Braff.
Kelly Kapoor
Don't even listen to them. They're so...
Ryan Howard
No, you don't...

Scene 27

1 line
Pam Beesly
Very official.

Scene 28

1 line
Pam Beesly
I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?

Scene 29

1 line
Dwight Schrute
Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut!

Scene 30

4 lines
Kelly Kapoor
I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at!
Kelly's Mom
Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome.
Kelly Kapoor
Uh... excuse me. I want to get a...
Kelly's Mom
He's a perfect match.

Scene 31

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, Big Tuna, you ready?
Jim Halpert
Yep.
Andy Bernard
One. Two. Three. Shot!
Jim Halpert
Oh, Holy Mother of God.
Andy Bernard
Oh, that burns! Golly. Um...
Jim Halpert
Good.
Karen Filippelli
Ooh.

Scene 32

1 line
Overhead
(song by Beyonce Knowles) Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me.

Scene 33

7 lines
Michael Scott
Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night?
Kelly's Father
Yes.
Michael Scott
Wow.
Kelly's Father
How long have you been married to the cheerleader?
Michael Scott
Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet!
Kelly's Mom
She is very fair.
Michael Scott
She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks!

Scene 34

2 lines
Andy Bernard
One. Two. Three. Shot!
Jim Halpert
Oh.

Scene 35

9 lines
Carol
Are you okay?
Michael Scott
I'm going to be. (to DJ) Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. (speaks in microphone) Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband.
Crowd
Awww!
Carol
Oh, Michael.
Michael Scott
What do you say?
Carol
Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott
I didn't hear you. (laughs)
Carol
(louder) Can we talk about this in private?
Michael Scott
(lowers microphone) Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay.

Scene 36

9 lines
Michael Scott
No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic...
Carol
This is the ninth date, Michael.
Michael Scott
Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much.
Carol
I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Carol
Okay.
Michael Scott
Ok. Okay. Good night. (louder) Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra.
Carol
Okay, good night, Michael.
Michael Scott
All right. Good night.

Scene 37

6 lines
Ryan Howard
Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive.
Kelly's Mom
So you're saving money...
Ryan Howard
Yes.
Kelly's Mom
...to start a family and home.
Ryan Howard
Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox.
Kelly's Father
Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight?

Scene 38

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael.
Young Man
Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second?

Scene 39

5 lines
Pam Beesly
It's hot in there. How's the naan?
Angela Martin
Dry. You look like you were having fun.
Pam Beesly
I am. You should come dance with us.
Angela Martin
I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting?
Pam Beesly
No one.

Scene 40

11 lines
Andy Bernard
(sings Indigo Girls) I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children...
Karen Filippelli
Andy, no acappella.
Andy Bernard
(sings) I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain.
Andy & Jim
(sing) There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line
Andy Bernard
Wait, wait.
Andy & Jim
(sing) the less I seek my source...
Karen Filippelli
Oh, come on, guys. Please.
Andy & Jim
(sing) the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to..
Karen Filippelli
It's not good.
Andy & Jim
(sing) fi-i-i-ine!
Andy Bernard
TUNA! Are you kidding me!!

Scene 41

20 lines
Michael Scott
Oh, God! (chokes on food) Oh. Wow.
Pam Beesly
Here. (hands drink)
Michael Scott
That's so spicy.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Oh. You waiting for a call?
Pam Beesly
Uh... no.
Michael Scott
Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.
Pam Beesly
Well, you were never really engaged.
Michael Scott
I was in that marriage arena, though.
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Uuuuh... well.
Pam Beesly
I kind of thought something would happen tonight too.
Michael Scott
We're so alike. So alike. (leans in to kiss her)
Pam Beesly
What are you doing?
Michael Scott
What are you doing?
Pam Beesly
I'm rejecting your...
Michael Scott
I'm... what? I didn't
Pam Beesly
...kiss.
Michael Scott
(scoffing noises) Can I have a ride home?
Pam Beesly
If you sit in the back.

Scene 42

4 lines
Karen Filippelli
Goodnight, guys.
Jim Halpert
Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike.
Andy Bernard
No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 43

10 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Karen Filippelli
Hey dummy, get in the car!
Jim Halpert
I'm a drunk driver.
Karen Filippelli
Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car.
Jim Halpert
Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli.
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, you can't.
Jim Halpert
No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right.
Karen Filippelli
Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay?
Jim Halpert
So good.
Karen Filippelli
Good.

Scene 44

3 lines
Michael Scott
These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'.
Pam Beesly
You say one more word; I'm stopping the car.
Michael Scott
Sorry.

Scene 45

2 lines
Michael Scott
This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. (sings) Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali!
Crowd
(loud clapping, cheering, and whistling)