Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

Branch Closing

Vol. 3 · Issue 7Scranton, PA

Every line from the "Branch Closing" episode is right here. It’s the one where Michael and Dwight head to New York to save the day, unaware that Josh is pulling a fast one for a job at Staples. All the best quotes and the full script are ready for you to enjoy.

Scene 01

4 lines
Karen Filippelli
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Karen Filippelli
Who are you faxing so early in the morning?
Jim Halpert
Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain.

Scene 02

1 line
Jim Halpert
I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. (reading fax) "Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."

Scene 03

1 line
Dwight Schrute
No!(knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.) You'll thank me later.

Scene 04

25 lines
Michael Scott
There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
(singing) Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jan Levinson
I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael Scott
I don't understand.
Jan Levinson
The board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael Scott
On whom's authority?
Jan Levinson
The board's.
Michael Scott
What?
Jan Levinson
I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service.
Michael Scott
You're welcome.
Jan Levinson
A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.
Michael Scott
Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Jan Levinson
Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person.
Michael Scott
Oh... (burrys head in hands) Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.
Jan Levinson
Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael.
Michael Scott
Well...
Jan Levinson
It's... it's about talent.
Michael Scott
Oh, you gotta be... Josh?
Jan Levinson
Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.
Michael Scott
Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

Scene 06

1 line
Michael Scott
Pictures. Memories. (Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk) Look at that. They grow up so fast.

Scene 07

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
Hey stranger.
Michael Scott
Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Dwight Schrute
Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.
Michael Scott
Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.

Scene 08

1 line
Dwight Schrute
When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, "Something Weird is Going On." Colon, "What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute."

Scene 09

5 lines
Karen Filippelli
Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... (clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head)
Jim Halpert
Really? Wow... that's bad.
Andy Bernard
Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? (Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim) In your face!
Jim Halpert
Well, I work here now.
Andy Bernard
Mmmm.. suck-ah!

Scene 10

12 lines
Pam Beesly
Are you okay?
Michael Scott
Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.
Pam Beesly
What did Jan want?
Michael Scott
Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...
Pam Beesly
What can't you tell me?
Michael Scott
Nothing, Pam.(whispers to himself) What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.
Pam Beesly
What?!
Michael Scott
What?
Pam Beesly
You just said that we're gonna be gone...?
Michael Scott
Do I have any messages?
Pam Beesly
Michael, what's going on?
Michael Scott
Ok, ok...

Scene 11

7 lines
Michael Scott
(facing the whole office) Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.
Toby Flenderson
Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made.
Michael Scott
You knew about this all along, didn't you?
Toby Flenderson
Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.
Michael Scott
Traitor. You are a traitor.
Angela Martin
What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs?
Michael Scott
I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.

Scene 12

1 line
Ryan Howard
It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. (holds up cards) A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.

Scene 13

1 line
Angela Martin
I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.

Scene 14

1 line
Kelly Kapoor
If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one.

Scene 15

1 line
Andy Bernard
(surrounded by clapping coworkers) Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut!

Scene 16

1 line
Jim Halpert
I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Scene 17

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. (chuckles) I really couldn't be happier.

Scene 18

1 line
Pam Beesly
It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." So, maybe that'll stop now.

Scene 19

2 lines
Roy Anderson
What does that mean?
Kevin Malone
Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut.

Scene 20

1 line
Roy Anderson
I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, "You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words.

Scene 21

8 lines
Darryl Philbin
Hey Mike.
Michael Scott
Darryl. Noble Darryl. (sighs)
Darryl Philbin
Look, I heard about the office. Tough break.
Michael Scott
I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.
Darryl Philbin
I wasn't.
Michael Scott
So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...
Darryl Philbin
Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good.
Michael Scott
Awesome.

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.

Scene 23

4 lines
Michael Scott
All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. (Looks at Dwight) Let's go.
Dwight Schrute
Yes!
Pam Beesly
Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight.
Michael Scott
Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.

Scene 24

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
What's the plan?
Michael Scott
Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.
Dwight Schrute
Can I drive?
Michael Scott
No... way.
Dwight Schrute
Shotgun!
Michael Scott
No. There's no one else.
Dwight Schrute
Still.

Scene 25

7 lines
Dwight Schrute
Thank you very much. (hangs up cell phone) Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.
Michael Scott
Okay, okay. Um...
Dwight Schrute
But, do not worry. I have his home address right (presses cell phone button) here.
Michael Scott
Why?
Dwight Schrute
Christmas card list.
Michael Scott
You sent him cards? You never met him.
Dwight Schrute
But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.

Scene 26

7 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, do you have a second?
Josh
Sure, what's up?
Jim Halpert
I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton?
Josh
I honestly don't. I don't know.
Jim Halpert
Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants?
Josh
You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it.
Jim Halpert
What does that mean?

Scene 27

3 lines
Jan Levinson
Hi.
Josh
Jan, hey.
Jan Levinson
Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics?

Scene 28

1 line
Ryan Howard
(to Kelly) I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense.

Scene 29

1 line
Ryan Howard
This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best.

Scene 30

1 line
Michael Scott
Okay, this is it. (runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight) This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like "Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person." It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.

Scene 31

14 lines
Jan Levinson
So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two.
Josh
Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely.
Jan Levinson
Awesome.
Josh
Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job.
Jan Levinson
Wha... excuse... why not?
Josh
As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples.
Jan Levinson
Today?
Josh
(nods)
Jan Levinson
You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?
Josh
(sighs)
Jan Levinson
Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I...
Josh
I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done.
Jan Levinson
I'm gonna make some calls.
Jim Halpert
Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.

Scene 32

19 lines
Dwight Schrute
So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?
Michael Scott
I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
Dwight Schrute
No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.
Michael Scott
All right.
Dwight Schrute
(as David Wallace) Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.
Michael Scott
Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?
Dwight Schrute
Yes? What is the meaning of this?
Michael Scott
Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?
Dwight Schrute
Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents.
Michael Scott
Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.
Dwight Schrute
Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business.
Michael Scott
(no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace) Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that.
Dwight Schrute
(as himself) Whoa hey, why not?
Michael Scott
Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?
Dwight Schrute
Okay.
Michael Scott
Don't touch me this time.
Dwight Schrute
(as David Wallace) Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work...
Michael Scott
Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?
Dwight Schrute
(frightened) Uh!

Scene 33

10 lines
Jan Levinson
So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford.
Jim Halpert
Wow.
Jan Levinson
And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch.
Jim Halpert
Thank you.
Jan Levinson
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um...
Jan Levinson
Michael.
Jim Halpert
No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think.
Jan Levinson
Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 34

12 lines
Phyllis Vance
Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again.
Kevin Malone
Where are we going?
Phyllis Vance
I thought maybe DJ's.
Kevin Malone
How about Cugino's?
Angela Martin
I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore.
Kevin Malone
How 'bout Cooper's then?
Angela Martin
No seafood.
Kevin Malone
But, I don't want to go to DJ's.
Angela Martin
Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?
Phyllis Vance
Okay, forget it. (walks away)
Kevin Malone
Hooters?
Angela Martin
No.

Scene 35

2 lines
Dwight Schrute
Ah. (takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael) Here, replinish your fluids.
Michael Scott
(takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie)

Scene 36

5 lines
Jan Levinson
(in Scranton) Where's Michael?
Pam Beesly
He's not here. I don't know where he is.
Jan Levinson
(looks around, noticing that no one is working) Wha... what's going on here?
Phyllis Vance
We know the branch is closing; Michael told us.
Jan Levinson
Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe.

Scene 37

2 lines
Angela Martin
Yes!
Kevin Malone
Yes! (hugs Angela)

Scene 38

1 line
Phyllis Vance
Stanley! (hugs Stanley)

Scene 39

6 lines
Pam Beesly
Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?
Jan Levinson
Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him.
Pam Beesly
Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?
Jan Levinson
Back?
Pam Beesly
Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?
Jan Levinson
Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few.

Scene 40

4 lines
Dwight Schrute
(referring to Michael's ringing phone) who is it?
Michael Scott
The office.
Dwight Schrute
Gonna get it?
Michael Scott
No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.

Scene 41

7 lines
Pam Beesly
I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood.
Ryan Howard
Is Jim coming back.
Pam Beesly
That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh.
Ryan Howard
I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right?
Ryan Howard
Oh, yeah, totally.
Kelly Kapoor
Ahhhhh! (hugs Ryan) I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! (kisses him) This is the best day of my whole l ife!

Scene 42

7 lines
Karen Filippelli
What you gonna do?
Jim Halpert
I really don't know. How you doing with all this?
Karen Filippelli
You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job.
Jim Halpert
You'd actually move to Scranton?
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would.
Jim Halpert
New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York?
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that.

Scene 43

4 lines
Josh
Hey Andy!
Andy Bernard
(after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen) What's up, Josh?
Josh
I just want to say thanks. Good luck.
Andy Bernard
Thanks, man. You, too. Totally.

Scene 44

14 lines
Michael Scott
Anything?
Dwight Schrute
Nothing. (puts down binoculars)
Michael Scott
What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?
Dwight Schrute
Then it was an honor to have worked with you.
Michael Scott
(pats Dwight and sighs) All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.
Dwight Schrute
My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.
Michael Scott
That was hilarious. The foam ...
Dwight Schrute
Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me.
Michael Scott
Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good.
Dwight Schrute
What were your favorite moments?
Michael Scott
Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.
Dwight Schrute
What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael Scott
God, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute
Well, it doesn't...

Scene 45

13 lines
Kevin Malone
Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots.
Pam Beesly
No thanks, guys.
Kevin Malone
All right.
Pam Beesly
Have fun though.
Kevin Malone
Cool.
Phyllis Vance
Hey, I hear Jim's coming back.
Pam Beesly
Really? Where did you hear that?
Phyllis Vance
I was...
Kevin Malone
(interupting) Hey Ryan, you coming?
Ryan Howard
Uh yeah, we'll meet you there.
Kevin Malone
Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance
(to Pam) I'll tell you later.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 46

4 lines
Roy Anderson
Crazy day, huh?
Pam Beesly
Yeah.
Roy Anderson
Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here.
Pam Beesly
Yeah, me too.

Scene 47

1 line
Pam Beesly
Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay.

Scene 48

3 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it.
Karen Filippelli
Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.
Jim Halpert
Okay.

Scene 49

1 line
Karen Filippelli
Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go.

Scene 50

18 lines
Michael Scott
What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car.
Dwight Schrute
(picks up his beeping cell phone)
Michael Scott
Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!
Dwight Schrute
(on the phone) Oh my God!
Michael Scott
What?!
Dwight Schrute
Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed.
Michael Scott
We did it? We did it.
Dwight Schrute
We did it!
Michael & Dwight
We did it! We did it!
Michael Scott
Right here! Right here! (pounds his chest against Dwight's)
Michael & Dwight
Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!
Michael Scott
Yeah, baby!
Dwight Schrute
In your face!
Michael Scott
We did it!
Dwight Schrute
Oh, man.
Michael Scott
How did we do it?
Dwight Schrute
I don't ... have no idea.
Michael Scott
I don't understand.

Scene 51

1 line
Toby Flenderson
Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65.