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Season 3 Episode 7
Branch Closing

Every line from The Office episode "Branch Closing", season 3 episode 7.

Karen Filippelli: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Karen Filippelli: Who are you faxing so early in the morning?
Jim Halpert: Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain.
Jim Halpert: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. (reading fax) "Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
Dwight Schrute: No!(knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.) You'll thank me later.
Michael Scott: There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
Jan Levinson: Michael.
Michael Scott: ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
Jan Levinson: Michael.
Michael Scott: (singing) Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.
Jan Levinson: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jan Levinson: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Jan Levinson: The board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael Scott: On whom's authority?
Jan Levinson: The board's.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan Levinson: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Jan Levinson: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.
Michael Scott: Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Jan Levinson: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person.
Michael Scott: Oh... (burrys head in hands) Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.
Jan Levinson: Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well...
Jan Levinson: It's... it's about talent.
Michael Scott: Oh, you gotta be... Josh?
Jan Levinson: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.
Michael Scott: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?
Michael Scott: It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.
Michael Scott: Pictures. Memories. (Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk) Look at that. They grow up so fast.
Dwight Schrute: Hey stranger.
Michael Scott: Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Dwight Schrute: Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.
Michael Scott: Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.
Dwight Schrute: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, "Something Weird is Going On." Colon, "What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute."
Karen Filippelli: Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... (clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head)
Jim Halpert: Really? Wow... that's bad.
Andy Bernard: Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? (Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim) In your face!
Jim Halpert: Well, I work here now.
Andy Bernard: Mmmm.. suck-ah!
Pam Beesly: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.
Pam Beesly: What did Jan want?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...
Pam Beesly: What can't you tell me?
Michael Scott: Nothing, Pam.(whispers to himself) What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.
Pam Beesly: What?!
Michael Scott: What?
Pam Beesly: You just said that we're gonna be gone...?
Michael Scott: Do I have any messages?
Pam Beesly: Michael, what's going on?
Michael Scott: Ok, ok...
Michael Scott: (facing the whole office) Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made.
Michael Scott: You knew about this all along, didn't you?
Toby Flenderson: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.
Michael Scott: Traitor. You are a traitor.
Angela Martin: What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.
Ryan Howard: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. (holds up cards) A thousand business cards with this address and phone number.
Angela Martin: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame.
Kelly Kapoor: If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one.
Andy Bernard: (surrounded by clapping coworkers) Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut!
Jim Halpert: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.
Stanley Hudson: I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. (chuckles) I really couldn't be happier.
Pam Beesly: It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, "Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam." So, maybe that'll stop now.
Roy Anderson: What does that mean?
Kevin Malone: Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut.
Roy Anderson: I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, "You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words.
Darryl Philbin: Hey Mike.
Michael Scott: Darryl. Noble Darryl. (sighs)
Darryl Philbin: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break.
Michael Scott: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.
Darryl Philbin: I wasn't.
Michael Scott: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...
Darryl Philbin: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good.
Michael Scott: Awesome.
Michael Scott: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.
Michael Scott: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. (Looks at Dwight) Let's go.
Dwight Schrute: Yes!
Pam Beesly: Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight.
Michael Scott: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.
Dwight Schrute: What's the plan?
Michael Scott: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.
Dwight Schrute: Can I drive?
Michael Scott: No... way.
Dwight Schrute: Shotgun!
Michael Scott: No. There's no one else.
Dwight Schrute: Still.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you very much. (hangs up cell phone) Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Um...
Dwight Schrute: But, do not worry. I have his home address right (presses cell phone button) here.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight Schrute: Christmas card list.
Michael Scott: You sent him cards? You never met him.
Dwight Schrute: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.
Jim Halpert: Hey, do you have a second?
Josh: Sure, what's up?
Jim Halpert: I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton?
Josh: I honestly don't. I don't know.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants?
Josh: You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it.
Jim Halpert: What does that mean?
Jan Levinson: Hi.
Josh: Jan, hey.
Jan Levinson: Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics?
Ryan Howard: (to Kelly) I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense.
Ryan Howard: This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best.
Michael Scott: Okay, this is it. (runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight) This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like "Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person." It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.
Jan Levinson: So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two.
Josh: Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely.
Jan Levinson: Awesome.
Josh: Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job.
Jan Levinson: Wha... excuse... why not?
Josh: As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples.
Jan Levinson: Today?
Josh: (nods)
Jan Levinson: You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?
Josh: (sighs)
Jan Levinson: Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I...
Josh: I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done.
Jan Levinson: I'm gonna make some calls.
Jim Halpert: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.
Dwight Schrute: So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?
Michael Scott: I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
Dwight Schrute: No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight Schrute: (as David Wallace) Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.
Michael Scott: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?
Dwight Schrute: Yes? What is the meaning of this?
Michael Scott: Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?
Dwight Schrute: Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents.
Michael Scott: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.
Dwight Schrute: Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business.
Michael Scott: (no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace) Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that.
Dwight Schrute: (as himself) Whoa hey, why not?
Michael Scott: Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?
Dwight Schrute: Okay.
Michael Scott: Don't touch me this time.
Dwight Schrute: (as David Wallace) Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work...
Michael Scott: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?
Dwight Schrute: (frightened) Uh!
Jan Levinson: So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford.
Jim Halpert: Wow.
Jan Levinson: And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch.
Jim Halpert: Thank you.
Jan Levinson: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um...
Jan Levinson: Michael.
Jim Halpert: No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think.
Jan Levinson: Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Phyllis Vance: Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again.
Kevin Malone: Where are we going?
Phyllis Vance: I thought maybe DJ's.
Kevin Malone: How about Cugino's?
Angela Martin: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore.
Kevin Malone: How 'bout Cooper's then?
Angela Martin: No seafood.
Kevin Malone: But, I don't want to go to DJ's.
Angela Martin: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?
Phyllis Vance: Okay, forget it. (walks away)
Kevin Malone: Hooters?
Angela Martin: No.
Dwight Schrute: Ah. (takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael) Here, replinish your fluids.
Michael Scott: (takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie)
Jan Levinson: (in Scranton) Where's Michael?
Pam Beesly: He's not here. I don't know where he is.
Jan Levinson: (looks around, noticing that no one is working) Wha... what's going on here?
Phyllis Vance: We know the branch is closing; Michael told us.
Jan Levinson: Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe.
Angela Martin: Yes!
Kevin Malone: Yes! (hugs Angela)
Phyllis Vance: Stanley! (hugs Stanley)
Pam Beesly: Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?
Jan Levinson: Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him.
Pam Beesly: Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?
Jan Levinson: Back?
Pam Beesly: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?
Jan Levinson: Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few.
Dwight Schrute: (referring to Michael's ringing phone) who is it?
Michael Scott: The office.
Dwight Schrute: Gonna get it?
Michael Scott: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.
Pam Beesly: I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood.
Ryan Howard: Is Jim coming back.
Pam Beesly: That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh.
Ryan Howard: I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right?
Ryan Howard: Oh, yeah, totally.
Kelly Kapoor: Ahhhhh! (hugs Ryan) I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! (kisses him) This is the best day of my whole l ife!
Karen Filippelli: What you gonna do?
Jim Halpert: I really don't know. How you doing with all this?
Karen Filippelli: You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job.
Jim Halpert: You'd actually move to Scranton?
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would.
Jim Halpert: New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York?
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that.
Josh: Hey Andy!
Andy Bernard: (after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen) What's up, Josh?
Josh: I just want to say thanks. Good luck.
Andy Bernard: Thanks, man. You, too. Totally.
Michael Scott: Anything?
Dwight Schrute: Nothing. (puts down binoculars)
Michael Scott: What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?
Dwight Schrute: Then it was an honor to have worked with you.
Michael Scott: (pats Dwight and sighs) All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.
Dwight Schrute: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.
Michael Scott: That was hilarious. The foam ...
Dwight Schrute: Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good.
Dwight Schrute: What were your favorite moments?
Michael Scott: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.
Dwight Schrute: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael Scott: God, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Well, it doesn't...
Kevin Malone: Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots.
Pam Beesly: No thanks, guys.
Kevin Malone: All right.
Pam Beesly: Have fun though.
Kevin Malone: Cool.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, I hear Jim's coming back.
Pam Beesly: Really? Where did you hear that?
Phyllis Vance: I was...
Kevin Malone: (interupting) Hey Ryan, you coming?
Ryan Howard: Uh yeah, we'll meet you there.
Kevin Malone: Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: (to Pam) I'll tell you later.
Pam Beesly: Okay.
Roy Anderson: Crazy day, huh?
Pam Beesly: Yeah.
Roy Anderson: Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, me too.
Pam Beesly: Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay.
Jim Halpert: Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it.
Karen Filippelli: Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.
Jim Halpert: Okay.
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go.
Michael Scott: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car.
Dwight Schrute: (picks up his beeping cell phone)
Michael Scott: Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!
Dwight Schrute: (on the phone) Oh my God!
Michael Scott: What?!
Dwight Schrute: Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed.
Michael Scott: We did it? We did it.
Dwight Schrute: We did it!
Michael & Dwight: We did it! We did it!
Michael Scott: Right here! Right here! (pounds his chest against Dwight's)
Michael & Dwight: Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!
Michael Scott: Yeah, baby!
Dwight Schrute: In your face!
Michael Scott: We did it!
Dwight Schrute: Oh, man.
Michael Scott: How did we do it?
Dwight Schrute: I don't ... have no idea.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Toby Flenderson: Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65.

I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 7 season 3. Branch Closing is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.

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