Every line from The Office episode "Branch Closing", season 3 episode 7.
Jim Halpert: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. (reading fax) "Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."
Michael Scott: There she is - Jan Levinson. First...
Michael Scott: ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan.
Michael Scott: (singing) Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.
Jan Levinson: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Jan Levinson: The board voted last night to close your branch.
Michael Scott: On whom's authority?
Jan Levinson: The board's.
Jan Levinson: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Jan Levinson: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages.
Michael Scott: Am I a small number person or a severance package person?
Jan Levinson: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person.
Michael Scott: Oh... (burrys head in hands) Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up.
Jan Levinson: Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael.
Jan Levinson: It's... it's about talent.
Michael Scott: Oh, you gotta be... Josh?
Jan Levinson: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future.
Michael Scott: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?
Dwight Schrute: Hey stranger.
Michael Scott: Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please.
Dwight Schrute: Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile.
Michael Scott: Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can.
Karen Filippelli: Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... (clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head)
Jim Halpert: Really? Wow... that's bad.
Andy Bernard: Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? (Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim) In your face!
Jim Halpert: Well, I work here now.
Andy Bernard: Mmmm.. suck-ah!
Pam Beesly: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life.
Pam Beesly: What did Jan want?
Michael Scott: Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so...
Pam Beesly: What can't you tell me?
Michael Scott: Nothing, Pam.(whispers to himself) What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway.
Pam Beesly: You just said that we're gonna be gone...?
Michael Scott: Do I have any messages?
Pam Beesly: Michael, what's going on?
Michael Scott: (facing the whole office) Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down.
Toby Flenderson: Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made.
Michael Scott: You knew about this all along, didn't you?
Toby Flenderson: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you.
Michael Scott: Traitor. You are a traitor.
Angela Martin: What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs?
Michael Scott: I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst.
Darryl Philbin: Hey Mike.
Michael Scott: Darryl. Noble Darryl. (sighs)
Darryl Philbin: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break.
Michael Scott: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me.
Darryl Philbin: I wasn't.
Michael Scott: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and...
Darryl Philbin: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good.
Michael Scott: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. (Looks at Dwight) Let's go.
Pam Beesly: Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight.
Michael Scott: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup.
Dwight Schrute: What's the plan?
Michael Scott: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch.
Dwight Schrute: Can I drive?
Michael Scott: No... way.
Michael Scott: No. There's no one else.
Dwight Schrute: Thank you very much. (hangs up cell phone) Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office.
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. Um...
Dwight Schrute: But, do not worry. I have his home address right (presses cell phone button) here.
Dwight Schrute: Christmas card list.
Michael Scott: You sent him cards? You never met him.
Dwight Schrute: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about.
Jim Halpert: Hey, do you have a second?
Jim Halpert: I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton?
Josh: I honestly don't. I don't know.
Jim Halpert: Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants?
Josh: You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it.
Jim Halpert: What does that mean?
Michael Scott: Okay, this is it. (runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight) This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like "Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person." It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else.
Jan Levinson: So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two.
Josh: Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely.
Josh: Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job.
Jan Levinson: Wha... excuse... why not?
Josh: As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples.
Jan Levinson: You leveraged your new position with us into another offer?
Jan Levinson: Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I...
Josh: I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done.
Jan Levinson: I'm gonna make some calls.
Jim Halpert: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that.
Dwight Schrute: So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up?
Michael Scott: I will improvise. I will speak from the heart.
Dwight Schrute: No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice.
Michael Scott: All right.
Dwight Schrute: (as David Wallace) Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work.
Michael Scott: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace?
Dwight Schrute: Yes? What is the meaning of this?
Michael Scott: Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work?
Dwight Schrute: Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents.
Michael Scott: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings.
Dwight Schrute: Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business.
Michael Scott: (no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace) Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that.
Dwight Schrute: (as himself) Whoa hey, why not?
Michael Scott: Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?
Michael Scott: Don't touch me this time.
Dwight Schrute: (as David Wallace) Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work...
Michael Scott: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?
Dwight Schrute: (frightened) Uh!
Jan Levinson: So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford.
Jan Levinson: And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch.
Jim Halpert: No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um...
Jim Halpert: No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think.
Jan Levinson: Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay.
Phyllis Vance: Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again.
Kevin Malone: Where are we going?
Phyllis Vance: I thought maybe DJ's.
Kevin Malone: How about Cugino's?
Angela Martin: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore.
Kevin Malone: How 'bout Cooper's then?
Angela Martin: No seafood.
Kevin Malone: But, I don't want to go to DJ's.
Angela Martin: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?
Phyllis Vance: Okay, forget it. (walks away)
Jan Levinson: (in Scranton) Where's Michael?
Pam Beesly: He's not here. I don't know where he is.
Jan Levinson: (looks around, noticing that no one is working) Wha... what's going on here?
Phyllis Vance: We know the branch is closing; Michael told us.
Jan Levinson: Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe.
Pam Beesly: Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?
Jan Levinson: Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him.
Pam Beesly: Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton?
Pam Beesly: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton?
Jan Levinson: Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few.
Dwight Schrute: (referring to Michael's ringing phone) who is it?
Michael Scott: The office.
Dwight Schrute: Gonna get it?
Michael Scott: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news.
Pam Beesly: I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood.
Ryan Howard: Is Jim coming back.
Pam Beesly: That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh.
Ryan Howard: I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right?
Ryan Howard: Oh, yeah, totally.
Kelly Kapoor: Ahhhhh! (hugs Ryan) I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! (kisses him) This is the best day of my whole l ife!
Karen Filippelli: What you gonna do?
Jim Halpert: I really don't know. How you doing with all this?
Karen Filippelli: You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job.
Jim Halpert: You'd actually move to Scranton?
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would.
Jim Halpert: New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York?
Karen Filippelli: Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that.
Andy Bernard: (after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen) What's up, Josh?
Josh: I just want to say thanks. Good luck.
Andy Bernard: Thanks, man. You, too. Totally.
Dwight Schrute: Nothing. (puts down binoculars)
Michael Scott: What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under?
Dwight Schrute: Then it was an honor to have worked with you.
Michael Scott: (pats Dwight and sighs) All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go.
Dwight Schrute: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher.
Michael Scott: That was hilarious. The foam ...
Dwight Schrute: Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me.
Michael Scott: Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good.
Dwight Schrute: What were your favorite moments?
Michael Scott: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one.
Dwight Schrute: What about when Jan said the branch was closing?
Michael Scott: God, Dwight!
Dwight Schrute: Well, it doesn't...
Kevin Malone: Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots.
Pam Beesly: No thanks, guys.
Pam Beesly: Have fun though.
Phyllis Vance: Hey, I hear Jim's coming back.
Pam Beesly: Really? Where did you hear that?
Kevin Malone: (interupting) Hey Ryan, you coming?
Ryan Howard: Uh yeah, we'll meet you there.
Kevin Malone: Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis.
Phyllis Vance: (to Pam) I'll tell you later.
Roy Anderson: Crazy day, huh?
Roy Anderson: Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here.
Pam Beesly: Yeah, me too.
Jim Halpert: Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it.
Karen Filippelli: Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.
Michael Scott: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car.
Dwight Schrute: (picks up his beeping cell phone)
Michael Scott: Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!
Dwight Schrute: (on the phone) Oh my God!
Dwight Schrute: Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed.
Michael Scott: We did it? We did it.
Dwight Schrute: We did it!
Michael & Dwight: We did it! We did it!
Michael Scott: Right here! Right here! (pounds his chest against Dwight's)
Michael & Dwight: Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu!
Michael Scott: Yeah, baby!
Dwight Schrute: In your face!
Michael Scott: We did it!
Michael Scott: How did we do it?
Dwight Schrute: I don't ... have no idea.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 7 season 3. Branch Closing is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.