Scene 011 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.
Scene 0210 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: (to office worker) That's the other thing you got to watch out... (to Jim) Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah.Andy BernardOpen quote: So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines?Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know what? I think you just need to meet him.Andy BernardOpen quote: Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Sounds good Andy.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: This is going to be an adventure.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Right on. (to Andy) Hey is that Josh's computer?Andy BernardOpen quote: What?
Scene 0315 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: How'd the run go?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Ah, pretty good. I finished.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: That's great!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Psh, why is that great?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Because he accomplished something.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What was your mile time?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: About seven.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (scoffs) I could beat that on a skateboard.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Well, that has wheels.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Really, Dwight? How fast are you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Really?
Scene 041 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.
Scene 0512 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Man, what is taking Toby so long?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, I'll just time him later.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And you'll compare the times?Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah. Are you ready?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, my groin...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: SetDwight SchruteOpen quote: ...is really tight.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Go!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I can't... (starts running)Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. (yells to Dwight) Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Aaaaah!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I should probably get back to work.
Scene 067 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Here... Who's here?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Nametag?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, please.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Karen Filippelli.Michael ScottOpen quote: Karen Filip... (In Italian voice) Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 071 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. (exhales)
Scene 0812 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Who's next?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That's Andy Bernard.Michael ScottOpen quote: Andy Bernard.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If I were you...Michael ScottOpen quote: Saint Bernard.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...I would fire Anthony Gardner...Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...before noon...Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: ...to consolidate power.Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm not firing somebody on the first day.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner.
Scene 091 lineDwight SchruteOpen quote: The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Scene 103 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Good morning!Michael ScottOpen quote: Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Okay.
Scene 111 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back.
Scene 124 linesHannahOpen quote: Hello?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hannah Smoterich-Barr.Michael ScottOpen quote: Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here.
Scene 131 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, (holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug) this says 'World's Best Dad'.
Scene 1421 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name?TonyOpen quote: Gardner.Michael ScottOpen quote: Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. (laughs) Okay.TonyOpen quote: Thanks.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later.HannahOpen quote: My bag's mostly pencils.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. (to Tony) All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Can I have your pencils?HannahOpen quote: No.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hi!Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Hi.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I'm Pam.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Karen. I love your sweater.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn...Michael ScottOpen quote: Welcome.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: ...to knit.Michael ScottOpen quote: Welcome, welcome, welcome! (in robot voice) Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?Michael ScottOpen quote: Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?
Scene 151 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.
Scene 168 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hello.Michael ScottOpen quote: Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!Andy BernardOpen quote: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.Michael ScottOpen quote: A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you.Andy BernardOpen quote: Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Nifty!Michael ScottOpen quote: They are nifty! They're nifty gifties.
Scene 171 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.
Scene 1814 linesMartinOpen quote: ...which is why they need a passing game.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right.Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Jim) No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: (to Martin) How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you.MartinOpen quote: Oh! Thanks.Michael ScottOpen quote: Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. (shakes head) Not... so, your desk is...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh my god! It's really you!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: I know. I don't care.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's really good to see you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You, too.
Scene 191 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um... .that is where we stand.
Scene 2026 linesDwight SchruteOpen quote: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay. Sounds good.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What are you doing?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I don't know what you're talking about.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I have a smudge on my forehead?Jim HalpertOpen quote: No. Looks good.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Why are you looking at my forehead?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I'm not.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Meet my eye line, Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I am.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Stop acting like an idiot!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Hey, buddy. Welcome back.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I'm good! How are you? So...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Um... unless you really, really want it back.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You know, man, it's really you're call.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Cool, thank you.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (whispers) Let me get that for you.Ryan HowardOpen quote: Yuh.Jim HalpertOpen quote: This one taken? No. Good.
Scene 222 linesToby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey, this came with the Stamford book. (Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential) Can you take care of it?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Oh, yes I can.
Scene 231 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.
Scene 2412 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.Michael ScottOpen quote: Right.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.Andy BernardOpen quote: Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So you'll be reporting to me, then.Andy BernardOpen quote: Umm, on the contrary.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: My title has 'Manager' in it.Andy BernardOpen quote: And I'm a director.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.Andy BernardOpen quote: Congratulations.
Scene 2518 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey, Toby!Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Hey, Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: How are you, man?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Oh, really good.Jim HalpertOpen quote: I just wanted to say hi.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: How are you? Hey. Welcome back. (puts out fist to bump)Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh. Is that like your new thing?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No, I'm sorry, it's...Jim HalpertOpen quote: No. It's cool.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: No, it's nothing. We'll just... (shakes hand)Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right. Good to be back.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: So... okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: All right... sorry... sorry about that.Jim HalpertOpen quote: No problem.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: It was just...Jim HalpertOpen quote: (off camera) ...what?Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Nothing.
Scene 261 lineKevin MaloneOpen quote: This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! (whispers) Shoot.
Scene 2717 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (talking to himself) I present the orientation video.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: We need to talk!Michael ScottOpen quote: Not now.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?Michael ScottOpen quote: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?Michael ScottOpen quote: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Ok. Who reports to who?Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And then if I want...Michael ScottOpen quote: Work it out amongst your selves!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I...Michael ScottOpen quote: Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: I...Michael ScottOpen quote: Will you?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: One...Michael ScottOpen quote: Please?
Scene 287 linesKelly KapoorOpen quote: Jim!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Kelly!Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Really?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!Jim HalpertOpen quote: Great. What's new with you?Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I just told you.
Scene 291 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please (makes drum roll noises), the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!
Scene 3015 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Yoko shack.Male voiceOpen quote: ...thank you James. (laughs)Meredith PalmerOpen quote: Hey, champagne.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope, no. Guests only.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: Looks like salmon.Michael ScottOpen quote: Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo.Kelly KapoorOpen quote: I eat beef.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.Kevin MaloneOpen quote: The beef is poisoned?Michael ScottOpen quote: No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. (talks to group) Welcome. Help yourself.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: Um... You might want these orientation materials.Michael ScottOpen quote: Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.(talks to group) Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, this looks promising.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: You won't be disappointed.Michael ScottOpen quote: Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch "Lazy Scranton".
Scene 3111 linesVideoOpen quote: (Lazy Scranton Video)Michael ScottOpen quote: Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty.Michael ScottOpen quote: So check out how we liveMichael & DwightOpen quote: in the Electric City!Michael ScottOpen quote: They call it Scranton.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Scranton.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What?Michael ScottOpen quote: The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But check that it's covered by your health care provider!
Scene 321 lineJim HalpertOpen quote: It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'.
Scene 331 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: (in video) I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food.
Scene 344 linesVideoOpen quote: (Lazy Scranton video continues)Michael ScottOpen quote: You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,Dwight SchruteOpen quote: But the little cars go in the compact spotMichael & DwightOpen quote: Spot, spot, spot, spot ...
Scene 352 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: (on video in background) Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'.
Scene 369 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: (recording phone message) This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Terrible. Totally unconvincing.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (recording) This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (recording) (in bad Italian accent) Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza.Jim HalpertOpen quote: You feel good?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Mm-hm.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (recording phone message) Karen Filippelli.
Scene 373 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, buddy. Anything new to report?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works.Andy BernardOpen quote: Sure thing, buddy.
Scene 381 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm.
Scene 397 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver.Angela MartinOpen quote: Oh.Andy BernardOpen quote: Do you like it?Angela MartinOpen quote: I do like it, actually.Andy BernardOpen quote: Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.Angela MartinOpen quote: Thank you.Andy BernardOpen quote: You're welcome.
Scene 4018 linesPam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Hey!Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What happened to grape soda?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh. You've changed so much.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Well, I'm evolving, Pam.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Okay.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I...Jim HalpertOpen quote: Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm...Michael ScottOpen quote: All right.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Don't...Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right. (to Pam) I should probably get back to work. Get back to work.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Yeah. I know, me too.Jim HalpertOpen quote: All right!
Scene 411 linePam BeeslyOpen quote: The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good.
Scene 423 linesHannahOpen quote: (using breast pump) Take a picture. It'll last longer.Ryan HowardOpen quote: I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting.Creed BrattonOpen quote: Ditto that, my brother.
Scene 435 linesHannahOpen quote: Look what's on his computer.Michael ScottOpen quote: What is that? A squid's eye or...HannahOpen quote: It's my left breast.Michael ScottOpen quote: How did you...Creed BrattonOpen quote: Right place at the right time.
Scene 4412 linesKaren FilippelliOpen quote: Uh, what's that smell?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What smell?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh, I'll help you find it.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oh, you know. Never... .never mind.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: What is it?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: My perfume?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells.Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Who's Bob Vance?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.
Scene 451 lineStanley HudsonOpen quote: I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.
Scene 461 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.
Scene 4725 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do you have batteries?Michael ScottOpen quote: Ssshh stupid! Um...Andy BernardOpen quote: (sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?')Michael ScottOpen quote: That's it!Andy BernardOpen quote: (sings) What is love?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, yes! Okay!Andy BernardOpen quote: Baby, don't hurt me.Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay, here we go.Andy & MichaelOpen quote: Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me!Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh!Andy BernardOpen quote: Baby, don't hurt me!Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh! Oh! Oh!Andy BernardOpen quote: Whoa-oh-oh-ohMichael ScottOpen quote: Scuse me! Scuse me!Andy & MichaelOpen quote: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh...Michael ScottOpen quote: You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!Andy BernardOpen quote: Whoa-oh-oh-oh.Michael ScottOpen quote: You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, probably because of all the nose candy.Michael ScottOpen quote: (laughs hysterically) Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Very funny, Michael!Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay! Okay!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Really funny, Michael!Michael ScottOpen quote: All right, all right, I'm on a roll.
Scene 4840 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Shouldn't we be equals?Michael ScottOpen quote: Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.TonyOpen quote: Uh... this is difficult, for me.Michael ScottOpen quote: I understand. We're all friends.TonyOpen quote: No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table.Michael ScottOpen quote: Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.TonyOpen quote: (starts to climb table)Michael ScottOpen quote: You know what? I'll help. I will...TonyOpen quote: No, please. No.Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Do this. Come on. Ready?Michael ScottOpen quote: Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: On three. One... two... three.Michael ScottOpen quote: Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here.TonyOpen quote: All right. All right. Stop. Put me down.Michael ScottOpen quote: We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!TonyOpen quote: Let me go!Michael ScottOpen quote: I'm right in your crack!TonyOpen quote: Put me down right...Michael ScottOpen quote: Up and over.TonyOpen quote: Put me down!Michael ScottOpen quote: Up and over.TonyOpen quote: Put me down right now!Michael ScottOpen quote: You've got it.TonyOpen quote: I'VE HAD ENOUGH!Michael ScottOpen quote: You've got it, you've got it.TonyOpen quote: PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!Michael ScottOpen quote: Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Hey, hey. Easy.Michael ScottOpen quote: Easy.TonyOpen quote: I'm sorry!Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't...TonyOpen quote: It's just not going to work for me.Michael ScottOpen quote: What...TonyOpen quote: I have to go.Michael ScottOpen quote: I don't understand.TonyOpen quote: I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit.Michael ScottOpen quote: Well, we'll squeeze you in.TonyOpen quote: I can't work here. I have to quit.
Scene 4912 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: You can't quit! On the first day. That's (deep voice) heresy, my friend! (regular voice) Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?TonyOpen quote: No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style.Michael ScottOpen quote: My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?TonyOpen quote: No. Was it supposed to be funny?Michael ScottOpen quote: Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired.TonyOpen quote: Excuse me?Michael ScottOpen quote: You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!TonyOpen quote: But there's nothing in my desk except coupons.Michael ScottOpen quote: Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him.Michael ScottOpen quote: Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? (whispers) Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.
Scene 501 lineAndy BernardOpen quote: Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.
Scene 515 linesHannahOpen quote: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.Angela MartinOpen quote: Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.Michael ScottOpen quote: Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.
Scene 521 lineMichael ScottOpen quote: The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.
Scene 535 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: What!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on!Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Does he ever.
Scene 5412 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: YEAH!Michael ScottOpen quote: Yeah.Toby FlendersonOpen quote: I don't... I don't think we can do that.Michael ScottOpen quote: Go home, Toby. Just...MartinOpen quote: Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?Michael ScottOpen quote: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. (reads note) "You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!"HannahOpen quote: For crying out loud.Michael ScottOpen quote: No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh...MartinOpen quote: (to Stanley) What's up with this guy?Stanley HudsonOpen quote: Got an hour? I'll try to explain.Michael ScottOpen quote: THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!
Scene 558 linesStanley HudsonOpen quote: Trust me. It only gets worse.MartinOpen quote: Is he always like this?Ryan HowardOpen quote: Sometimes he brings more costumes.HannahOpen quote: When do people work?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Oh, we find little times during the day.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: How are we going to get home?Phyllis VanceOpen quote: Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
Scene 5613 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. (answers phone) Jell-o!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Michael!Michael ScottOpen quote: Hi, Jan!Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?Michael ScottOpen quote: I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: You do?Michael ScottOpen quote: But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.Jan LevinsonOpen quote: What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two.Michael ScottOpen quote: What?Jan LevinsonOpen quote: He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.Michael ScottOpen quote: Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos.
Scene 5711 linesMichael ScottOpen quote: So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah, it does, actually.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: So who will be your new Number Three?Michael ScottOpen quote: Uh... that I have not decided yet.Andy BernardOpen quote: Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.Michael ScottOpen quote: Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: And I have to say your leadership...Michael ScottOpen quote: Shut it...Dwight SchruteOpen quote: has brought...Michael ScottOpen quote: Shut it! That's... (whispers to camera) suck up!
Scene 588 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: (talking on cellphone) Hey! Where you at, Filippelli?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: (off camera) I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.Jim HalpertOpen quote: (laughs) What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . (sees Pam in rearview mirror) Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Yeah.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Ok, thanks.Karen FilippelliOpen quote: Ok.
Scene 5915 linesJim HalpertOpen quote: Hey.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Hey!Jim HalpertOpen quote: I thought you had already... left.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh... Good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What's up?Jim HalpertOpen quote: Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: What do you mean?Jim HalpertOpen quote: I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh...Pam BeeslyOpen quote: Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.Jim HalpertOpen quote: O..ok. Um..good.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: We're friends. We'll always be friends.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Right.Pam BeeslyOpen quote: It's good to have you back.Jim HalpertOpen quote: Yeah. Good to be back.
Scene 602 linesMeredith PalmerOpen quote: Where'd you get that salad?Kevin MaloneOpen quote: Staples.
Scene 6120 linesAndy BernardOpen quote: Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Xterra's not even a real word.Andy BernardOpen quote: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.Andy BernardOpen quote: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.Andy BernardOpen quote: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: Idiot!Andy BernardOpen quote: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm.Dwight SchruteOpen quote: If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.Andy BernardOpen quote: (coughs word) Idiot!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (coughs sentence) You're the idiot!Andy BernardOpen quote: (coughs sentence) Nice comeback!Dwight SchruteOpen quote: (coughs sentence) I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. (talks normally to camera) Totally got the best of that interchange.