Every line from The Office episode "The Merger", season 3 episode 8.
Andy Bernard: (to office worker) That's the other thing you got to watch out... (to Jim) Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.
Andy Bernard: So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines?
Jim Halpert: You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Andy Bernard: Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.
Jim Halpert: Sounds good Andy.
Karen Filippelli: This is going to be an adventure.
Jim Halpert: Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later?
Karen Filippelli: Right on. (to Andy) Hey is that Josh's computer?
Pam Beesly: How'd the run go?
Toby Flenderson: Ah, pretty good. I finished.
Pam Beesly: That's great!
Dwight Schrute: Psh, why is that great?
Pam Beesly: Because he accomplished something.
Dwight Schrute: What was your mile time?
Toby Flenderson: About seven.
Dwight Schrute: (scoffs) I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby Flenderson: Well, that has wheels.
Dwight Schrute: Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time.
Pam Beesly: Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
Dwight Schrute: Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.
Dwight Schrute: Man, what is taking Toby so long?
Pam Beesly: Oh, I'll just time him later.
Dwight Schrute: And you'll compare the times?
Pam Beesly: Yeah. Are you ready?
Dwight Schrute: No, my groin...
Dwight Schrute: ...is really tight.
Dwight Schrute: I can't... (starts running)
Pam Beesly: Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. (yells to Dwight) Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby.
Pam Beesly: I should probably get back to work.
Michael Scott: Here... Who's here?
Michael Scott: Yes, please.
Dwight Schrute: Karen Filippelli.
Michael Scott: Karen Filip... (In Italian voice) Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Dwight Schrute: Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.
Michael Scott: Who's next?
Dwight Schrute: That's Andy Bernard.
Michael Scott: Andy Bernard.
Dwight Schrute: If I were you...
Michael Scott: Saint Bernard.
Dwight Schrute: ...I would fire Anthony Gardner...
Dwight Schrute: ...before noon...
Michael Scott: I'm not...
Dwight Schrute: ...to consolidate power.
Michael Scott: I'm not firing somebody on the first day.
Dwight Schrute: No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner.
Michael Scott: Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name?
Michael Scott: Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. (laughs) Okay.
Kevin Malone: Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.
Michael Scott: Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later.
Hannah: My bag's mostly pencils.
Michael Scott: Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. (to Tony) All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy.
Kevin Malone: Can I have your pencils?
Karen Filippelli: Karen. I love your sweater.
Pam Beesly: Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me.
Karen Filippelli: Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn...
Karen Filippelli: ...to knit.
Michael Scott: Welcome, welcome, welcome! (in robot voice) Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader.
Karen Filippelli: Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?
Michael Scott: Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?
Michael Scott: Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
Andy Bernard: And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.
Michael Scott: A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Andy Bernard: Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike.
Michael Scott: They are nifty! They're nifty gifties.
Martin: ...which is why they need a passing game.
Michael Scott: (to Jim) No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man.
Michael Scott: (to Martin) How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you.
Michael Scott: Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. (shakes head) Not... so, your desk is...
Jim Halpert: Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.
Pam Beesly: Oh my god! It's really you!
Jim Halpert: Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met...
Pam Beesly: I know. I don't care.
Jim Halpert: Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.
Pam Beesly: It's really good to see you.
Dwight Schrute: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Jim Halpert: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Sounds good.
Dwight Schrute: What are you doing?
Jim Halpert: I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight Schrute: I have a smudge on my forehead?
Jim Halpert: No. Looks good.
Dwight Schrute: Why are you looking at my forehead?
Dwight Schrute: Meet my eye line, Jim!
Dwight Schrute: Stop acting like an idiot!
Ryan Howard: Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Jim Halpert: Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you.
Ryan Howard: I'm good! How are you? So...
Jim Halpert: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now?
Ryan Howard: Um... unless you really, really want it back.
Jim Halpert: You know, man, it's really you're call.
Ryan Howard: Cool, thank you.
Jim Halpert: (whispers) Let me get that for you.
Jim Halpert: This one taken? No. Good.
Andy Bernard: Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.
Dwight Schrute: Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy Bernard: Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
Dwight Schrute: So you'll be reporting to me, then.
Andy Bernard: Umm, on the contrary.
Dwight Schrute: My title has 'Manager' in it.
Andy Bernard: And I'm a director.
Andy Bernard: Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight Schrute: I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Andy Bernard: Congratulations.
Toby Flenderson: Hey, Jim!
Jim Halpert: How are you, man?
Toby Flenderson: Oh, really good.
Jim Halpert: I just wanted to say hi.
Toby Flenderson: How are you? Hey. Welcome back. (puts out fist to bump)
Jim Halpert: Oh. Is that like your new thing?
Toby Flenderson: No, I'm sorry, it's...
Jim Halpert: No. It's cool.
Toby Flenderson: No, it's nothing. We'll just... (shakes hand)
Jim Halpert: All right. Good to be back.
Toby Flenderson: So... okay.
Toby Flenderson: All right... sorry... sorry about that.
Toby Flenderson: It was just...
Jim Halpert: (off camera) ...what?
Toby Flenderson: Nothing.
Michael Scott: (talking to himself) I present the orientation video.
Dwight Schrute: We need to talk!
Dwight Schrute: Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
Michael Scott: I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
Dwight Schrute: Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?
Michael Scott: It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.
Dwight Schrute: Ok. Who reports to who?
Michael Scott: I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?
Dwight Schrute: And then if I want...
Michael Scott: Work it out amongst your selves!
Michael Scott: Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?
Kelly Kapoor: Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!
Kelly Kapoor: Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim Halpert: Great. What's new with you?
Kelly Kapoor: I just told you.
Michael Scott: Yoko shack.
Male voice: ...thank you James. (laughs)
Meredith Palmer: Hey, champagne.
Michael Scott: Nope, no. Guests only.
Kelly Kapoor: Looks like salmon.
Michael Scott: Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo.
Kelly Kapoor: I eat beef.
Michael Scott: Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.
Kevin Malone: The beef is poisoned?
Michael Scott: No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. (talks to group) Welcome. Help yourself.
Toby Flenderson: Um... You might want these orientation materials.
Michael Scott: Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.(talks to group) Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Jim Halpert: Oh, this looks promising.
Pam Beesly: You won't be disappointed.
Michael Scott: Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch "Lazy Scranton".
Video: (Lazy Scranton Video)
Michael Scott: Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'.
Dwight Schrute: Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Michael Scott: So check out how we live
Michael & Dwight: in the Electric City!
Michael Scott: They call it Scranton.
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Scranton.
Michael Scott: The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider.
Dwight Schrute: But check that it's covered by your health care provider!
Video: (Lazy Scranton video continues)
Michael Scott: You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,
Dwight Schrute: But the little cars go in the compact spot
Michael & Dwight: Spot, spot, spot, spot ...
Karen Filippelli: (recording phone message) This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Jim Halpert: Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
Karen Filippelli: (recording) This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Jim Halpert: Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian.
Karen Filippelli: (recording) (in bad Italian accent) Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza.
Jim Halpert: You feel good?
Karen Filippelli: (recording phone message) Karen Filippelli.
Andy Bernard: Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver.
Andy Bernard: Do you like it?
Angela Martin: I do like it, actually.
Andy Bernard: Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.
Angela Martin: Thank you.
Andy Bernard: You're welcome.
Pam Beesly: What happened to grape soda?
Jim Halpert: Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
Pam Beesly: Oh. You've changed so much.
Jim Halpert: Well, I'm evolving, Pam.
Pam Beesly: So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?
Jim Halpert: Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled.
Pam Beesly: Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever.
Michael Scott: Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I...
Jim Halpert: Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm...
Michael Scott: All right.
Jim Halpert: All right. (to Pam) I should probably get back to work. Get back to work.
Pam Beesly: Yeah. I know, me too.
Hannah: Look what's on his computer.
Michael Scott: What is that? A squid's eye or...
Hannah: It's my left breast.
Michael Scott: How did you...
Creed Bratton: Right place at the right time.
Karen Filippelli: Uh, what's that smell?
Phyllis Vance: What smell?
Karen Filippelli: Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.
Phyllis Vance: Oh, I'll help you find it.
Karen Filippelli: Oh, you know. Never... .never mind.
Phyllis Vance: What is it?
Karen Filippelli: I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
Phyllis Vance: My perfume?
Karen Filippelli: It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells.
Phyllis Vance: Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.
Karen Filippelli: Who's Bob Vance?
Phyllis Vance: You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.
Michael Scott: I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just.
Dwight Schrute: Do you have batteries?
Michael Scott: Ssshh stupid! Um...
Andy Bernard: (sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?')
Michael Scott: That's it!
Andy Bernard: (sings) What is love?
Michael Scott: Yes, yes! Okay!
Andy Bernard: Baby, don't hurt me.
Michael Scott: Okay, here we go.
Andy & Michael: Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me!
Andy Bernard: Baby, don't hurt me!
Michael Scott: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Andy Bernard: Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Michael Scott: Scuse me! Scuse me!
Andy & Michael: Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh...
Michael Scott: You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!
Andy Bernard: Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
Michael Scott: You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!
Andy Bernard: Oh, probably because of all the nose candy.
Michael Scott: (laughs hysterically) Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.
Dwight Schrute: Very funny, Michael!
Michael Scott: Okay! Okay!
Dwight Schrute: Really funny, Michael!
Michael Scott: All right, all right, I'm on a roll.
Michael Scott: Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Karen Filippelli: Shouldn't we be equals?
Michael Scott: Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.
Tony: Uh... this is difficult, for me.
Michael Scott: I understand. We're all friends.
Tony: No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table.
Michael Scott: Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.
Tony: (starts to climb table)
Michael Scott: You know what? I'll help. I will...
Michael Scott: Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!
Dwight Schrute: Do this. Come on. Ready?
Michael Scott: Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up.
Dwight Schrute: On three. One... two... three.
Michael Scott: Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here.
Tony: All right. All right. Stop. Put me down.
Michael Scott: We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!
Michael Scott: I'm right in your crack!
Tony: Put me down right...
Michael Scott: Up and over.
Michael Scott: Up and over.
Tony: Put me down right now!
Michael Scott: You've got it.
Michael Scott: You've got it, you've got it.
Tony: PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!
Michael Scott: Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.
Dwight Schrute: Hey, hey. Easy.
Tony: It's just not going to work for me.
Michael Scott: I don't understand.
Tony: I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit.
Michael Scott: Well, we'll squeeze you in.
Tony: I can't work here. I have to quit.
Michael Scott: You can't quit! On the first day. That's (deep voice) heresy, my friend! (regular voice) Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?
Tony: No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style.
Michael Scott: My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?
Tony: No. Was it supposed to be funny?
Michael Scott: Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired.
Michael Scott: You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!
Tony: But there's nothing in my desk except coupons.
Michael Scott: Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.
Dwight Schrute: That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him.
Michael Scott: Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? (whispers) Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.
Hannah: Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Angela Martin: Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Michael Scott: Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.
Stanley Hudson: Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together.
Michael Scott: No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.
Michael Scott: Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires.
Michael Scott: Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on!
Karen Filippelli: Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Jim Halpert: Does he ever.
Michael Scott: Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators.
Toby Flenderson: I don't... I don't think we can do that.
Michael Scott: Go home, Toby. Just...
Martin: Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
Michael Scott: Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. (reads note) "You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!"
Hannah: For crying out loud.
Michael Scott: No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh...
Martin: (to Stanley) What's up with this guy?
Stanley Hudson: Got an hour? I'll try to explain.
Michael Scott: THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!
Stanley Hudson: Trust me. It only gets worse.
Martin: Is he always like this?
Ryan Howard: Sometimes he brings more costumes.
Hannah: When do people work?
Phyllis Vance: Oh, we find little times during the day.
Karen Filippelli: How are we going to get home?
Phyllis Vance: Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up.
Karen Filippelli: Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.
Michael Scott: See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. (answers phone) Jell-o!
Jan Levinson: Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?
Michael Scott: I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.
Jan Levinson: Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?
Michael Scott: But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.
Jan Levinson: What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two.
Jan Levinson: He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.
Michael Scott: Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos.
Michael Scott: So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two.
Dwight Schrute: If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, it does, actually.
Dwight Schrute: So who will be your new Number Three?
Michael Scott: Uh... that I have not decided yet.
Andy Bernard: Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.
Michael Scott: Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks.
Dwight Schrute: And I have to say your leadership...
Michael Scott: Shut it...
Dwight Schrute: has brought...
Michael Scott: Shut it! That's... (whispers to camera) suck up!
Jim Halpert: (talking on cellphone) Hey! Where you at, Filippelli?
Karen Filippelli: (off camera) I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
Jim Halpert: (laughs) What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day?
Karen Filippelli: Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . (sees Pam in rearview mirror) Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?
Jim Halpert: I thought you had already... left.
Pam Beesly: Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.
Jim Halpert: Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something.
Pam Beesly: What do you mean?
Jim Halpert: I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh...
Pam Beesly: Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.
Jim Halpert: O..ok. Um..good.
Pam Beesly: We're friends. We'll always be friends.
Pam Beesly: It's good to have you back.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. Good to be back.
Andy Bernard: Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight Schrute: Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy Bernard: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
Dwight Schrute: Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?
Dwight Schrute: That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.
Andy Bernard: Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight Schrute: Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87.
Andy Bernard: Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came.
Dwight Schrute: Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.
Andy Bernard: Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.
Andy Bernard: If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm.
Dwight Schrute: If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy Bernard: (coughs word) Idiot!
Dwight Schrute: (coughs sentence) You're the idiot!
Andy Bernard: (coughs sentence) Nice comeback!
Dwight Schrute: (coughs sentence) I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. (talks normally to camera) Totally got the best of that interchange.
I hope you enjoyed these classic quotes from The Office episode 8 season 3. The Merger is such a great episode (like every episode of The Office), remember you can click the camera button next to any quote to generate an image of the quote. Go back to all episodes to see more scripts from The Office.