Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Merger

Vol. 3 · Issue 8Scranton, PA

Here's the spot to find every line from the episode where the Stamford crew officially moves in. You'll see Michael's 'Lazy Scranton' rap and that incredibly uncomfortable moment where he tries to hoist Tony onto a table. It's all here, from Jim's return to the office to Andy's first day of being a total suck-up.

Scene 01

1 line
Jim Halpert
The Stamford branch is closing and everybody's just packing up their stuff. Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats.

Scene 02

10 lines
Andy Bernard
(to office worker) That's the other thing you got to watch out... (to Jim) Yo! Tuna! I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott.
Jim Halpert
Yeah.
Andy Bernard
So what's he like? Likes? Dislikes? Favorite sports? Favorite movies? Favorite men's magazines?
Jim Halpert
You know what? I think you just need to meet him.
Andy Bernard
Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. Good luck over there, Tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you.
Jim Halpert
Sounds good Andy.
Karen Filippelli
This is going to be an adventure.
Jim Halpert
Yes. This is going to be very interesting. All right, I'm out of here. See you later?
Karen Filippelli
Right on. (to Andy) Hey is that Josh's computer?
Andy Bernard
What?

Scene 03

15 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Toby Flenderson
Hey.
Pam Beesly
How'd the run go?
Toby Flenderson
Ah, pretty good. I finished.
Pam Beesly
That's great!
Dwight Schrute
Psh, why is that great?
Pam Beesly
Because he accomplished something.
Dwight Schrute
What was your mile time?
Toby Flenderson
About seven.
Dwight Schrute
(scoffs) I could beat that on a skateboard.
Toby Flenderson
Well, that has wheels.
Dwight Schrute
Yeah, well my feet don't. And I can still crush that time.
Pam Beesly
Really, Dwight? How fast are you?
Dwight Schrute
Let's just put it this way. Last weekend I outran a black pepper snake.
Pam Beesly
Really?

Scene 04

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I am fast. To give you a reference point. I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.

Scene 05

12 lines
Dwight Schrute
Man, what is taking Toby so long?
Pam Beesly
Oh, I'll just time him later.
Dwight Schrute
And you'll compare the times?
Pam Beesly
Yeah. Are you ready?
Dwight Schrute
No, my groin...
Pam Beesly
Set
Dwight Schrute
...is really tight.
Pam Beesly
Go!
Dwight Schrute
I can't... (starts running)
Pam Beesly
Am I being mean to Dwight? I don't know. I did just make him run around the building and I have no intention of timing him. This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. He does make my life harder, sometimes. And on purpose. Like he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company. (yells to Dwight) Hey, three more laps to go. Gotta pick it up if you're going to beat Toby.
Dwight Schrute
Aaaaah!
Pam Beesly
I should probably get back to work.

Scene 06

7 lines
Michael Scott
Here... Who's here?
Dwight Schrute
Nametag?
Michael Scott
Yes, please.
Dwight Schrute
Karen Filippelli.
Michael Scott
Karen Filip... (In Italian voice) Ka-ren Fili-pell-li.
Dwight Schrute
Probably Italian. Possibly Filipino.
Michael Scott
Okay.

Scene 07

1 line
Michael Scott
My branch is absorbing the Stamford branch. Or, as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. That's all I'm going to say about it because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me. And I have to get into my head and focus. (exhales)

Scene 08

12 lines
Michael Scott
Who's next?
Dwight Schrute
That's Andy Bernard.
Michael Scott
Andy Bernard.
Dwight Schrute
If I were you...
Michael Scott
Saint Bernard.
Dwight Schrute
...I would fire Anthony Gardner...
Michael Scott
What?
Dwight Schrute
...before noon...
Michael Scott
I'm not...
Dwight Schrute
...to consolidate power.
Michael Scott
I'm not firing somebody on the first day.
Dwight Schrute
No, no, no! Not somebody. Gardner.

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
The Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.

Scene 10

3 lines
Pam Beesly
Good morning!
Michael Scott
Got the food? Good! Looky-looky-looky. What I want you to do... set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice. As if you are trying to impress a much older man who's way out of your league.
Pam Beesly
Okay.

Scene 11

1 line
Pam Beesly
Yes! I'm in a good mood today! I'm excited to meet all the new people and to see my old friend again, definitely. That's always a thing that makes people happy... to have an old friend back.

Scene 12

4 lines
Hannah
Hello?
Michael Scott
Ah! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Our first arrival. Welcome to Scranton. This is Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Dwight Schrute
Hannah Smoterich-Barr.
Michael Scott
Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. Your ball and chain is right over here.

Scene 13

1 line
Michael Scott
You know for a lot of these people this is the only family they have. So... As far as I'm concerned, (holds up WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug) this says 'World's Best Dad'.

Scene 14

21 lines
Michael Scott
Ah! There he is Tony... what's your last name?
Tony
Gardner.
Michael Scott
Gardner! I knew that. There you go. Gift bag... for you. (laughs) Okay.
Tony
Thanks.
Kevin Malone
Michael, I didn't get a gift bag.
Michael Scott
Well, they're just for guests. If there are any left over, you can buy one later.
Hannah
My bag's mostly pencils.
Michael Scott
Wh..and coupons... to various hot spots around Scranton. (to Tony) All right! Let me show you to your area, sir. Come on, big guy.
Kevin Malone
Can I have your pencils?
Hannah
No.
Pam Beesly
Hi!
Karen Filippelli
Hi.
Pam Beesly
I'm Pam.
Karen Filippelli
Karen. I love your sweater.
Pam Beesly
Oh, thanks. My Mom made it for me.
Karen Filippelli
Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn...
Michael Scott
Welcome.
Karen Filippelli
...to knit.
Michael Scott
Welcome, welcome, welcome! (in robot voice) Take me to your leader. Oh wait, I am your leader.
Karen Filippelli
Uh wait, are you a robot or a Martian?
Michael Scott
Mmm... dah. I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. Welcome. Wow! You are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I. or uh?

Scene 15

1 line
Andy Bernard
I'll be the Number Two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a carpenter that makes stairs.

Scene 16

8 lines
Andy Bernard
Hello.
Michael Scott
Ah! You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome!
Andy Bernard
And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and... hello.
Michael Scott
A-ha-ha-ho. Very good! Welcome to our little kingdom. Ah, we have a bag of nifty gifties for you.
Andy Bernard
Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom, Mike.
Michael Scott
Oh.
Andy Bernard
Nifty!
Michael Scott
They are nifty! They're nifty gifties.

Scene 17

1 line
Michael Scott
You know who I really like? Is this guy Andy Bernard. He has got this very likable way about him.

Scene 18

14 lines
Martin
...which is why they need a passing game.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Michael Scott
(to Jim) No way. Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. Good to see you, man.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
(to Martin) How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? This is a little gift bag for you.
Martin
Oh! Thanks.
Michael Scott
Free of charge. Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. (shakes head) Not... so, your desk is...
Jim Halpert
Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here.
Pam Beesly
Oh my god! It's really you!
Jim Halpert
Yeah, I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met...
Pam Beesly
I know. I don't care.
Jim Halpert
Awesome! Good to be back. The place looks really good.
Pam Beesly
It's really good to see you.
Jim Halpert
You, too.

Scene 19

1 line
Jim Halpert
Where do I stand with Pam? Um... no idea. I mean, we're friends. Always have been friends. Um... .that is where we stand.

Scene 20

26 lines
Dwight Schrute
Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Jim Halpert
Hey, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
Fact - I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me.
Jim Halpert
Okay. Sounds good.
Dwight Schrute
What are you doing?
Jim Halpert
I don't know what you're talking about.
Dwight Schrute
I have a smudge on my forehead?
Jim Halpert
No. Looks good.
Dwight Schrute
Why are you looking at my forehead?
Jim Halpert
I'm not.
Dwight Schrute
Meet my eye line, Jim!
Jim Halpert
I am.
Dwight Schrute
Stop acting like an idiot!
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Ryan Howard
Hey, buddy. Welcome back.
Jim Halpert
Hey! How are you man? Good to see... you.
Ryan Howard
I'm good! How are you? So...
Jim Halpert
Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sitting here now?
Ryan Howard
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Oh.
Ryan Howard
Um... unless you really, really want it back.
Jim Halpert
You know, man, it's really you're call.
Ryan Howard
Cool, thank you.
Jim Halpert
(whispers) Let me get that for you.
Ryan Howard
Yuh.
Jim Halpert
This one taken? No. Good.

Scene 21

1 line
Ryan Howard
Yeah. Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk.

Scene 22

2 lines
Toby Flenderson
Hey, this came with the Stamford book. (Sets down box that says: Personnel Files Stamford CT Office Confidential) Can you take care of it?
Kevin Malone
Oh, yes I can.

Scene 23

1 line
Kevin Malone
In general, they do not give me much responsibility. But they do let me shred the company documents. And that is really all I need.

Scene 24

12 lines
Andy Bernard
Michael Scott. Thank you. I appreciate it, Mike.
Michael Scott
Right.
Dwight Schrute
Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute. Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy Bernard
Andy Bernard. Regional Director in Charge of Sales.
Dwight Schrute
So you'll be reporting to me, then.
Andy Bernard
Umm, on the contrary.
Dwight Schrute
My title has 'Manager' in it.
Andy Bernard
And I'm a director.
Dwight Schrute
Oh.
Andy Bernard
Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
Dwight Schrute
I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Andy Bernard
Congratulations.

Scene 25

18 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey, Toby!
Toby Flenderson
Hey, Jim!
Jim Halpert
How are you, man?
Toby Flenderson
Oh, really good.
Jim Halpert
I just wanted to say hi.
Toby Flenderson
How are you? Hey. Welcome back. (puts out fist to bump)
Jim Halpert
Oh. Is that like your new thing?
Toby Flenderson
No, I'm sorry, it's...
Jim Halpert
No. It's cool.
Toby Flenderson
No, it's nothing. We'll just... (shakes hand)
Jim Halpert
All right. Good to be back.
Toby Flenderson
So... okay.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Toby Flenderson
All right... sorry... sorry about that.
Jim Halpert
No problem.
Toby Flenderson
It was just...
Jim Halpert
(off camera) ...what?
Toby Flenderson
Nothing.

Scene 26

1 line
Kevin Malone
This thing is so awesome. It will shred anything. Ooh! It will shred a CD. It will shred... a credit card. It will shred... oh! (whispers) Shoot.

Scene 27

17 lines
Michael Scott
(talking to himself) I present the orientation video.
Dwight Schrute
We need to talk!
Michael Scott
Not now.
Dwight Schrute
Which is higher? Assistant Regional Manager or Regional Director in Charge of Sales?
Michael Scott
I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale.
Dwight Schrute
Okay. So who gets paid more? Me or Andy?
Michael Scott
It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different. Okay? All right! Show time, part one.
Dwight Schrute
Ok. Who reports to who?
Michael Scott
I don't care! Dwight! You all report to me! That's all that matters! The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, ok?
Dwight Schrute
And then if I want...
Michael Scott
Work it out amongst your selves!
Dwight Schrute
I...
Michael Scott
Please! I have a company to run. Well, you let me run the company?
Dwight Schrute
I...
Michael Scott
Will you?
Dwight Schrute
One...
Michael Scott
Please?

Scene 28

7 lines
Kelly Kapoor
Jim!
Jim Halpert
Kelly!
Kelly Kapoor
Oh! Oh my god! I have so much to tell you!
Jim Halpert
Really?
Kelly Kapoor
Yes! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? They had a baby and they named it Suri. And then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. And both babies are amazing!
Jim Halpert
Great. What's new with you?
Kelly Kapoor
I just told you.

Scene 29

1 line
Michael Scott
Okay. Everybody settled in? Good. Why don't we all proceed in to the conference room? Or, should I say, the banquet hall. For... drum roll, please (makes drum roll noises), the official Merger Day All-Family Welcome Breakfast. Come on in!

Scene 30

15 lines
Michael Scott
Yoko shack.
Male voice
...thank you James. (laughs)
Meredith Palmer
Hey, champagne.
Michael Scott
Nope, no. Guests only.
Kelly Kapoor
Looks like salmon.
Michael Scott
Nope. Um... for the guests it is. For you, consider it cow-meat. Strictly taboo.
Kelly Kapoor
I eat beef.
Michael Scott
Well, then... consider it poisoned beef. No touchy.
Kevin Malone
The beef is poisoned?
Michael Scott
No, it's not beef... just... sit down, please. (talks to group) Welcome. Help yourself.
Toby Flenderson
Um... You might want these orientation materials.
Michael Scott
Wrong. Toby, this is an orientation not a borientation.(talks to group) Okay. Do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. Cell phones and pagers off, please.
Jim Halpert
Oh, this looks promising.
Pam Beesly
You won't be disappointed.
Michael Scott
Let's face it. Moving to a new job can be very stressful. So I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. It's funny. It's got a little bit of a zing to it and I hope that it gives you a flavor of what we're all about here at Dunder Mifflin. And what we're all about here in Scranton. So let's just all laugh together and watch "Lazy Scranton".

Scene 31

11 lines
Video
(Lazy Scranton Video)
Michael Scott
Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon, call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'.
Dwight Schrute
Yo Mike, our town is dope and pretty.
Michael Scott
So check out how we live
Michael & Dwight
in the Electric City!
Michael Scott
They call it Scranton.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Scranton.
Dwight Schrute
What?
Michael Scott
The Electric City. Call poison control if you're bit by a spider.
Dwight Schrute
But check that it's covered by your health care provider!

Scene 32

1 line
Jim Halpert
It reminds me of the orientation video showed on my first day. 'The Scranton Witch Project'.

Scene 33

1 line
Michael Scott
(in video) I am so scared... when people don't label their personal food.

Scene 34

4 lines
Video
(Lazy Scranton video continues)
Michael Scott
You like coal mines and you wanna see 'em, Well, check it out, yo, the Anthracite Museum! Plenty of space in the parking lot,
Dwight Schrute
But the little cars go in the compact spot
Michael & Dwight
Spot, spot, spot, spot ...

Scene 35

2 lines
Michael Scott
(on video in background) Spot. Scranton. What? The Electric City. Scranton.What? The Electric City. Scranton. What?
Michael Scott
Well, so far, I think it is killin'. I thought it would either be an 'A' or an 'A+' but I completely forgot that there's an 'A++'.

Scene 36

9 lines
Karen Filippelli
(recording phone message) This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Jim Halpert
Terrible. Totally unconvincing.
Karen Filippelli
(recording) This is Karen Filippelli. Please leave a message.
Jim Halpert
Not bad, but you are Italian so... try it more Italian.
Karen Filippelli
(recording) (in bad Italian accent) Dis is Kar-en Fill-uh-pel-li. Please leava me da message. A bon danza.
Jim Halpert
You feel good?
Karen Filippelli
Mm-hm.
Jim Halpert
All right.
Karen Filippelli
(recording phone message) Karen Filippelli.

Scene 37

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, buddy. Anything new to report?
Dwight Schrute
Do you mean to me? From you? Cause that's how it works.
Andy Bernard
Sure thing, buddy.

Scene 38

1 line
Andy Bernard
Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there layin' on the charm.

Scene 39

7 lines
Andy Bernard
Hey, Angela. Check this out. It's my new screen saver.
Angela Martin
Oh.
Andy Bernard
Do you like it?
Angela Martin
I do like it, actually.
Andy Bernard
Thank you. You have such a pretty smile by the way.
Angela Martin
Thank you.
Andy Bernard
You're welcome.

Scene 40

18 lines
Pam Beesly
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey!
Pam Beesly
What happened to grape soda?
Jim Halpert
Oh yeah. I'm trying to move away from that. Getting into more of a bottled water phase.
Pam Beesly
Oh. You've changed so much.
Jim Halpert
Well, I'm evolving, Pam.
Pam Beesly
So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked or... you want to grab a coffee or something after work?
Jim Halpert
Oh! Um... tonight, actually? No. I'm uh just still getting settled.
Pam Beesly
Oh, yeah, no! You know. Whenever.
Jim Halpert
Okay.
Michael Scott
Oh-kay. Sorry to interrupt. I...
Jim Halpert
Nope. You're not interrupting anything. Nope. I'm...
Michael Scott
All right.
Jim Halpert
Don't...
Michael Scott
Okay.
Jim Halpert
All right. (to Pam) I should probably get back to work. Get back to work.
Pam Beesly
Yeah. I know, me too.
Jim Halpert
All right!

Scene 41

1 line
Pam Beesly
The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic but it's fine. It's great! A lot of distractions. But, it's good.

Scene 42

3 lines
Hannah
(using breast pump) Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Ryan Howard
I'm sorry. It's just, it's a little distracting.
Creed Bratton
Ditto that, my brother.

Scene 43

5 lines
Hannah
Look what's on his computer.
Michael Scott
What is that? A squid's eye or...
Hannah
It's my left breast.
Michael Scott
How did you...
Creed Bratton
Right place at the right time.

Scene 44

12 lines
Karen Filippelli
Uh, what's that smell?
Phyllis Vance
What smell?
Karen Filippelli
Must be an... air freshener plugged in somewhere. It smells like a funeral home.
Phyllis Vance
Oh, I'll help you find it.
Karen Filippelli
Oh, you know. Never... .never mind.
Phyllis Vance
What is it?
Karen Filippelli
I... I... I, uh, think I'm just allergic to your perfume.
Phyllis Vance
My perfume?
Karen Filippelli
It's just my crazy nose. I'm... uh, used to different smells.
Phyllis Vance
Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in Metropolitan Orlando. It's made from real pine.
Karen Filippelli
Who's Bob Vance?
Phyllis Vance
You have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.

Scene 45

1 line
Stanley Hudson
I don't know who these new people think they are. I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. Never said a word.

Scene 46

1 line
Michael Scott
People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. But you know what makes people forget their differences? A great show. That is why I created the 'Integration Celebration'. This is the moment when Scranton and Stamford come together as one. United in applause.

Scene 47

25 lines
Michael Scott
I know what a lot of you must be thinking. 'Wow! What a day! Feels more like a night at a party than a day at work.' Well, in my opinion, business should feel like a night out. A night... at... the Roxbury. Okay. There's supposed to be music and it's... I got it, I got it! I got it. Dwight! Just.
Dwight Schrute
Do you have batteries?
Michael Scott
Ssshh stupid! Um...
Andy Bernard
(sings drum beat intro to 'What is Love?')
Michael Scott
That's it!
Andy Bernard
(sings) What is love?
Michael Scott
Yes, yes! Okay!
Andy Bernard
Baby, don't hurt me.
Michael Scott
Okay, here we go.
Andy & Michael
Don't hurt me! Baby, don't hurt me!
Michael Scott
Oh!
Andy Bernard
Baby, don't hurt me!
Michael Scott
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Andy Bernard
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Michael Scott
Scuse me! Scuse me!
Andy & Michael
Whoa-oh-oh-oh! Whoa-oh-oh...
Michael Scott
You me? You me? Me you? You! You! You me! Bow Bow Bow!
Andy Bernard
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
Michael Scott
You me? You me? Me you me! You! You! You me you! You! Oh my nose so itchy, why's my nose so itchy!
Andy Bernard
Oh, probably because of all the nose candy.
Michael Scott
(laughs hysterically) Okay, I told you these guys had a sense of humor.
Dwight Schrute
Very funny, Michael!
Michael Scott
Okay! Okay!
Dwight Schrute
Really funny, Michael!
Michael Scott
All right, all right, I'm on a roll.

Scene 48

40 lines
Michael Scott
Why are the new people on the table? To show them that we are not above them.
Karen Filippelli
Shouldn't we be equals?
Michael Scott
Not today. No. Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table if you would.
Tony
Uh... this is difficult, for me.
Michael Scott
I understand. We're all friends.
Tony
No. I mean I can't physically. I can't get on the table.
Michael Scott
Oh, well. Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up.
Tony
(starts to climb table)
Michael Scott
You know what? I'll help. I will...
Tony
No, please. No.
Michael Scott
Don't be shy! Dwight! Let's do this!
Dwight Schrute
Do this. Come on. Ready?
Michael Scott
Come on. We're doing this thing! Let's get up.
Dwight Schrute
On three. One... two... three.
Michael Scott
Bend at the knees. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm under this... I'm under this hock here. I don't know what I'm grabbing here.
Tony
All right. All right. Stop. Put me down.
Michael Scott
We've almost got it. Push it! Push it!
Tony
Let me go!
Michael Scott
I'm right in your crack!
Tony
Put me down right...
Michael Scott
Up and over.
Tony
Put me down!
Michael Scott
Up and over.
Tony
Put me down right now!
Michael Scott
You've got it.
Tony
I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
Michael Scott
You've got it, you've got it.
Tony
PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW or else!
Michael Scott
Whoa Whoa Whoa! Okay.
Dwight Schrute
Hey, hey. Easy.
Michael Scott
Easy.
Tony
I'm sorry!
Michael Scott
Don't...
Tony
It's just not going to work for me.
Michael Scott
What...
Tony
I have to go.
Michael Scott
I don't understand.
Tony
I was on the fence about this and... it's just not a good fit.
Michael Scott
Well, we'll squeeze you in.
Tony
I can't work here. I have to quit.

Scene 49

12 lines
Michael Scott
You can't quit! On the first day. That's (deep voice) heresy, my friend! (regular voice) Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... Was it Toby? Did he say something? Cause he's... what?
Tony
No. Toby was helpful. He was very kind. It's just your management style.
Michael Scott
My management style? So... didn't you think 'Lazy Scranton' was funny?
Tony
No. Was it supposed to be funny?
Michael Scott
Okay. Well, don't bother quitting because you're fired.
Tony
Excuse me?
Michael Scott
You are fired! I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! Just clean out your desk!
Tony
But there's nothing in my desk except coupons.
Michael Scott
Don't try to apologize to me, man! It's too late. Just get out! Take your bad vibes with you.
Dwight Schrute
That was my advice. Remember? I'm the one who suggested that you fire him.
Michael Scott
Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute
And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? Would 'none' be an accurate estimate? None advice? (whispers) Fire Andy. Fire. Andy.

Scene 50

1 line
Andy Bernard
Dwight may have won the battle. But I will win... the next battle.

Scene 51

5 lines
Hannah
Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional.
Angela Martin
Maybe that's because some people treat it like their own private Hooters strip club.
Michael Scott
Whoa, Angela! Hold on. Hooters is a restaurant. With over 400 locations worldwide.
Stanley Hudson
Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together.
Michael Scott
No. We do have to get along. Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King.

Scene 52

1 line
Michael Scott
The word merger comes from the word marriage. And that was what today was supposed to be. The loving union between people. Instead, it has become like when my Mom moved in with Jeff. And once again, it becomes my job to fix it.

Scene 53

5 lines
Michael Scott
Hey! Hey, everybody! Something happened! Those guys from Vance Refrigeration, they let the air out of our tires.
Dwight Schrute
What!
Michael Scott
Yeah! They punk'd us! They punk'd us good! Come on. Come on!
Karen Filippelli
Does Bob Vance work for Vance Refrigeration?
Jim Halpert
Does he ever.

Scene 54

12 lines
Michael Scott
Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this. We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators.
Dwight Schrute
YEAH!
Michael Scott
Yeah.
Toby Flenderson
I don't... I don't think we can do that.
Michael Scott
Go home, Toby. Just...
Martin
Hey! Why doesn't your car have a flat tire?
Michael Scott
Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me. They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. Check this out. It's so hateful. (reads note) "You guys SUCK! You can never pull together as one and revenge us. That is why you SUCK!"
Hannah
For crying out loud.
Michael Scott
No. No, no, no. No. You are falling for it. You're playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do. Don't, oh...
Martin
(to Stanley) What's up with this guy?
Stanley Hudson
Got an hour? I'll try to explain.
Michael Scott
THIS IS EGREGIOUS! This is egregious!

Scene 55

8 lines
Stanley Hudson
Trust me. It only gets worse.
Martin
Is he always like this?
Ryan Howard
Sometimes he brings more costumes.
Hannah
When do people work?
Phyllis Vance
Oh, we find little times during the day.
Karen Filippelli
How are we going to get home?
Phyllis Vance
Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all our tires up.
Karen Filippelli
Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration.

Scene 56

13 lines
Michael Scott
See that? Mission accomplished. Like a bunch of fourth graders. Sometimes, what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that'll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most. (answers phone) Jell-o!
Jan Levinson
Michael!
Michael Scott
Hi, Jan!
Jan Levinson
Did you fire Tony Gardner when he was trying to quit?
Michael Scott
I did. Major personnel crises averted. Compliment accepted.
Jan Levinson
Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance?
Michael Scott
Yes.
Jan Levinson
You do?
Michael Scott
But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? Bad advice from my Number Two.
Jan Levinson
What? No. No. No, Jim is your Number Two.
Michael Scott
What?
Jan Levinson
He's the only one who has worked with both groups. I sent you a memo about this.
Michael Scott
Yes, I know that. For, I do read the memos.

Scene 57

11 lines
Michael Scott
So after a great deal of thought and introspective-shun, I have decided to make Jim my new Number Two.
Dwight Schrute
If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, it does, actually.
Dwight Schrute
So who will be your new Number Three?
Michael Scott
Uh... that I have not decided yet.
Andy Bernard
Michael, I would just like to say you have handled this entire situation with great aplomb.
Michael Scott
Thank you, Andy. That's... very kind. Thanks.
Dwight Schrute
And I have to say your leadership...
Michael Scott
Shut it...
Dwight Schrute
has brought...
Michael Scott
Shut it! That's... (whispers to camera) suck up!

Scene 58

8 lines
Jim Halpert
(talking on cellphone) Hey! Where you at, Filippelli?
Karen Filippelli
(off camera) I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.
Jim Halpert
(laughs) What's wrong? You didn't have a good first day?
Karen Filippelli
Oh my god! Hey! You want to meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Sure. Sounds good. I... . (sees Pam in rearview mirror) Hey! You know what? Can I give you a call right back?
Karen Filippelli
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Ok, thanks.
Karen Filippelli
Ok.

Scene 59

15 lines
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Pam Beesly
Hey!
Jim Halpert
I thought you had already... left.
Pam Beesly
Uh... no. I just uh had some other stuff I had to do.
Jim Halpert
Oh... Good.
Pam Beesly
What's up?
Jim Halpert
Oh, nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today... or something.
Pam Beesly
What do you mean?
Jim Halpert
I just think I should tell you that... I've sort of started seeing someone. And uh...
Pam Beesly
Oh. That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want.
Jim Halpert
O..ok. Um..good.
Pam Beesly
We're friends. We'll always be friends.
Jim Halpert
Right.
Pam Beesly
It's good to have you back.
Jim Halpert
Yeah. Good to be back.

Scene 60

2 lines
Meredith Palmer
Where'd you get that salad?
Kevin Malone
Staples.

Scene 61

20 lines
Andy Bernard
Saw your dorkmobile in the parking lot. What does it get, like four miles to the gallon?
Dwight Schrute
Uh, try double that. Classic TransAm, vintage American muscle. Please.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, my Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese.
Dwight Schrute
Xterra's not even a real word.
Andy Bernard
Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
Dwight Schrute
Oh, so you drive an X-Earth?
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Dwight Schrute
That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic TransAm than an XEarth.
Andy Bernard
Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back.
Dwight Schrute
Well I hope 1985 has a time machine 'cause I drive an 87.
Andy Bernard
Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future and I went to your funeral and, guess what, nobody came.
Dwight Schrute
Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die.
Andy Bernard
Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-not University.
Dwight Schrute
Idiot!
Andy Bernard
If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a TransAm.
Dwight Schrute
If you were driving a TransAm, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world.
Andy Bernard
(coughs word) Idiot!
Dwight Schrute
(coughs sentence) You're the idiot!
Andy Bernard
(coughs sentence) Nice comeback!
Dwight Schrute
(coughs sentence) I was making fun of your comeback! That's why it worked. (talks normally to camera) Totally got the best of that interchange.