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Season 3 Episode 9
The Convict

Every line from The Office episode "The Convict", season 3 episode 9.

Pam Beesly: Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable!
Hannah: He.
Pam Beesly: ...Oh, sorry. He's--he's dressed all in pink.
Hannah: That's his favorite color.
Pam Beesly: ...Oh. That's... fun for him.
Stanley Hudson: Fantastic.
Michael Scott: Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute.
Hannah: Thank youuu.
Michael Scott: Ohh. May I?
Hannah: Uh, sure!
Michael Scott: (climbs under desk) Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from "Look Who's Talking." What am I thinking? (Laughs) Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.
Karen Filippelli: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Karen Filippelli: ...Almost done?
Jim Halpert: Just about... yup. Now.
Jim Halpert: Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet.
Michael Scott: Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.
Angela Martin: Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting.
Jan Levinson: (over phone) Mmhmm.
Angela Martin: Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means.
Jan Levinson: We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.
Michael Scott: I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. (Jan sighs) ... I'm just kidding.
Jan Levinson: When did the check come?
Angela Martin: Last week.
Jan Levinson: Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move.
Angela Martin: One of the Stamford people is a criminal?
Michael Scott: Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.
Angela Martin: Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal?
Jan Levinson: Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line.
Pam Beesly: (whispering) Who is it?
Michael Scott: Hannah?
Kevin Malone: Hmm.
Angela Martin: Hmm.
Kevin Malone: Andy.
Angela Martin: Andy?
Kevin Malone: Hmm. Martin?
Michael Scott: Kuhhhh... you are such a racist.
Kevin Malone: Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael Scott: Because you think he's black.
Kevin Malone: He is black... right? And...
Michael Scott: Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.
Jan Levinson: ...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash.
Kevin Malone: Yeah!
Jan Levinson: Michael?
Michael Scott: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.
Kevin Malone: I wonder what he did.
Michael Scott: In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened.
Pam Beesly: Why would anyone go to jail for that?
Michael Scott: Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people.
Kevin Malone: Cool.
Pam Beesly: Okay. Angela?
Angela Martin: Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.
Michael Scott: Good. All right. (everyone leaves)
Jim Halpert: (picks up phone) Jim Halpert.
Andy Bernard: (over phone) I am so horny.
Jim Halpert: ...Okay I can't... help you... with that.
Andy Bernard: Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert: She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy Bernard: Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert: She's... high-maintenance.
Andy Bernard: Next. How about... (motions toward Angela). Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that.
Jim Halpert: Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.
Andy Bernard: Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it?
Jim Halpert: ...Absolutely you should.
Andy Bernard: Jackpot.
Michael Scott: Just... try to be cool.
Dwight Schrute: I am cool.
Michael Scott: Okay, are you cool, really?
Dwight Schrute: I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on.
Michael Scott: Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. (Dwight starts to run) No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!
Dwight Schrute: I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
Andy Bernard: All... righty, let's get started. What is she into?
Jim Halpert: I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates...
Jim Halpert: Frisbee-based competitions...
Andy Bernard: Are you kidding?
Jim Halpert: She...
Andy Bernard: I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Jim Halpert: Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. (Andy hums Six Flag ad) Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin?
Michael Scott: Hey Martin, how's it going?
Martin: Good. Getting settled, you know?
Michael Scott: Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust.
Pam Beesly: My dad.
Michael Scott: ...Danny Glover. (Jim raises hand) Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Jonas Salk.
Michael Scott: Who?
Jim Halpert: Justin Timberlake?
Michael Scott: Oh. Please. Colin Powell.
Karen Filippelli: Hey I got one.
Michael Scott: Yup.
Karen Filippelli: Jesus.
Michael Scott: Apollo Creed.
Michael Scott: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
Martin: So... you all wanna know what I was in for?
Michael Scott: No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them.
Martin: Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink.
Michael Scott: (laughs) That is awesome.
Kevin Malone: I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.
Pam Beesly: What was prison like?
Martin: Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time.
Kevin Malone: You got outdoors time?
Martin: Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games...
Kevin Malone: Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, some days I never go outside.
Michael Scott: Well, we are running a business, so.
Meredith Palmer: What was your cell like?
Martin: Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes.
Pam Beesly: They have art classes?
Martin: Yeap. Yeah.
Ryan Howard: They have business classes there?
Martin: They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys--a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.
Pam Beesly: Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin.
Michael Scott: Ah. Well. That's not true.
Kevin Malone: I would so rather be in prison.
Ryan Howard: Prison sounds great.
Michael Scott: No you would not.
Michael Scott: This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.
Creed Bratton: (singsong voice) Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?
Karen Filippelli: You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow.
Creed Bratton: Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo?
Andy Bernard: Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?
Pam Beesly: Wow... I--
Andy Bernard: Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.
Pam Beesly: Wow. That was... wow.
Michael Scott: Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!
Pam Beesly: Michael, it's freezing out.
Phyllis Vance: I can't feel my toes.
Michael Scott: Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?
Jim Halpert: What is that, like... five pounds?
Michael Scott: It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.
Stanley Hudson: I'm going back inside.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time.
Michael Scott: Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?
Martin: Yeah, in the rec room.
Michael Scott: Ah. A ten inch black and white?
Martin: Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.
Michael Scott: These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.
Jim Halpert: Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: Quick question - do you play the guitar?
Andy Bernard: I play the banjo.
Jim Halpert: Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy Bernard: (singing) You know I can, my man.
Jim Halpert: Yup. That's perfect.
Karen Filippelli: Hey.
Jim Halpert: Hey.
Andy Bernard: I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car.
Jim Halpert: Perfect.
Karen Filippelli: What is going on?
Jim Halpert: ...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.
Karen Filippelli: I love it. I want in. Who's the target?
Jim Halpert: ...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but...
Karen Filippelli: Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.
Jim Halpert: Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else.
Michael Scott: All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say "Boo" because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like (puts on bandanna). I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!
Angela Martin: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael Scott: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! (employees protest) All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. (points to Ryan) You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!
Ryan Howard: Michael, please. (Michael makes kissing noises)
Jim Halpert: Where... did you learn all of this?
Michael Scott: Internet.
Jim Halpert: So, not prison.
Michael Scott: And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim Halpert: What'd you do, Prison Mike?
Michael Scott: I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim Halpert: That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael Scott: And I nevah got caught, neither.
Jim Halpert: Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm.
Pam Beesly: Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?
Michael Scott: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Andy Bernard: Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.
Dwight Schrute: Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?
Angela Martin: Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael Scott: The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!
Karen Filippelli: Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael Scott: No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. (turns around, takes bandanna off) So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?
Pam Beesly: Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.
Martin: Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison.
Michael Scott: Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. (locks employees in conference room)
Jim Halpert: Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out.
Michael Scott: No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.
Kevin Malone: (knocking on door) Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have--
Hannah: Shh!
Toby Flenderson: (answering phone) This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?
Toby Flenderson: Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room?
Michael Scott: They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Toby Flenderson: Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will.
Michael Scott: Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.
Toby Flenderson: You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny.
Michael Scott: (unlocks door) Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!
Michael Scott: Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.
Andy Bernard: (singing) So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee...

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