Dunder Mifflin, Inc.Best Office Lines

The Convict

Vol. 3 · Issue 9Scranton, PA

Here is the complete rundown of "The Convict," featuring every line from Michael’s legendary Prison Mike speech to Jim’s prank on Andy. You'll find the full script right here, so you can catch every joke about Dementors and gruel sandwiches. It's all the dialogue you need from the episode where the Stamford merge gets a little complicated.

Scene 01

11 lines
Pam Beesly
Ohhhh! She's absolutely adorable!
Hannah
He.
Pam Beesly
...Oh, sorry. He's--he's dressed all in pink.
Hannah
That's his favorite color.
Pam Beesly
...Oh. That's... fun for him.
Stanley Hudson
Fantastic.
Michael Scott
Ohhh, wow. Look at that. How cute.
Hannah
Thank youuu.
Michael Scott
Ohh. May I?
Hannah
Uh, sure!
Michael Scott
(climbs under desk) Hey, look at me, I'm a baby! I'm one of those babies from "Look Who's Talking." What am I thinking? (Laughs) Look at all those staplers! What's a stapler!? I don't even know, I'm a baby! Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, Mama! I want some milk. And you know where milk comes from! Breasts.

Scene 02

4 lines
Karen Filippelli
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Karen Filippelli
...Almost done?
Jim Halpert
Just about... yup. Now.

Scene 03

1 line
Jim Halpert
Yes. I have started to see Karen. It's very new, and... not really ready to talk about it openly yet, just because, I think, once the word gets out there, it might affect the way people behave around us or... I dunno. Just, not yet.

Scene 04

28 lines
Michael Scott
Yeah, Jan, it um... looks like a check, piece of paper of some sort. Receipt. I don't know.
Angela Martin
Jan, this is Angela Martin from accounting.
Jan Levinson
(over phone) Mmhmm.
Angela Martin
Look, we have a rebate from... the Federal Work Opportunity Program and no one knows what that means.
Jan Levinson
We get that money for hiring an ex-convict.
Michael Scott
I didn't hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist. (Jan sighs) ... I'm just kidding.
Jan Levinson
When did the check come?
Angela Martin
Last week.
Jan Levinson
Okay, that's when the branches merged, so Josh must have been taking advantage of this program. Smart move.
Angela Martin
One of the Stamford people is a criminal?
Michael Scott
Hey Jan, speaking of Stamford, Hannah brought in her baby.
Angela Martin
Jan, which one of the new employees is a criminal?
Jan Levinson
Uh, reformed convict, and, uh, I'm not sure. Though hang on, let me email our HR, stay on the line.
Pam Beesly
(whispering) Who is it?
Michael Scott
Hannah?
Kevin Malone
Hmm.
Angela Martin
Hmm.
Kevin Malone
Andy.
Angela Martin
Andy?
Kevin Malone
Hmm. Martin?
Michael Scott
Kuhhhh... you are such a racist.
Kevin Malone
Wait, why am I a racist?
Michael Scott
Because you think he's black.
Kevin Malone
He is black... right? And...
Michael Scott
Stop it. Stop it right-stop it right now.
Jan Levinson
...Okay it's someone named Martin Nash.
Kevin Malone
Yeah!
Jan Levinson
Michael?

Scene 05

1 line
Michael Scott
Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy... who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake.

Scene 06

8 lines
Kevin Malone
I wonder what he did.
Michael Scott
In our society, a black man can be arrested for almost anything. He was probably at a sporting event and... saw some people pushing each other, and he intervened.
Pam Beesly
Why would anyone go to jail for that?
Michael Scott
Sssssso, what we need to do... is to forget about this whole Martin in prison thing. People will draw unfair conclusions about Martin and or black people.
Kevin Malone
Cool.
Pam Beesly
Okay. Angela?
Angela Martin
Sure. Let's protect the convicts. At the expense of the general feeling of safety in the workplace. As a 90-pound female that sits in an ill-lit, rarely-visited corner of the office, naturally I agree with that.
Michael Scott
Good. All right. (everyone leaves)

Scene 07

12 lines
Jim Halpert
(picks up phone) Jim Halpert.
Andy Bernard
(over phone) I am so horny.
Jim Halpert
...Okay I can't... help you... with that.
Andy Bernard
Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna. Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack.
Jim Halpert
She is dating Ryan, I think.
Andy Bernard
Oh, and I care why?
Jim Halpert
She's... high-maintenance.
Andy Bernard
Next. How about... (motions toward Angela). Blondes are more fun. C'mon, trust me on that.
Jim Halpert
Yeah, trust me, that would be fun for no one.
Andy Bernard
Okay fine. Um. Pam, the receptionist. Paaam. Should I go for it?
Jim Halpert
...Absolutely you should.
Andy Bernard
Jackpot.

Scene 08

5 lines
Michael Scott
Just... try to be cool.
Dwight Schrute
I am cool.
Michael Scott
Okay, are you cool, really?
Dwight Schrute
I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm so cool. Tell me what is going on.
Michael Scott
Um... Martin, from Stamford, was, at one time, in prison. (Dwight starts to run) No. Dwight! Be cool! Be cool!

Scene 09

1 line
Dwight Schrute
I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.

Scene 10

1 line
Andy Bernard
All... righty, let's get started. What is she into?

Scene 11

1 line
Jim Halpert
I know Pam pretty well. I know the things that she likes, and, just as important, I know the things that she hates. So, one of the things that she likes is pranks. And, the things that she hates...

Scene 12

5 lines
Jim Halpert
Frisbee-based competitions...
Andy Bernard
Are you kidding?
Jim Halpert
She...
Andy Bernard
I started the main Frisbee golf club at Cornell. Where I went to college. I live to frolf.
Jim Halpert
Lead off with that. She loves hunting. She also loves those ads for Six Flags, with the old guy. (Andy hums Six Flag ad) Got it. Also... do you speak pig latin?

Scene 13

13 lines
Michael Scott
Hey Martin, how's it going?
Martin
Good. Getting settled, you know?
Michael Scott
Ah. Good good. Good. Just a second. Everybody? May I have your attention please? I realize that a lot of you have already heard that Martin here has had some trouble with the law, but I just want to declare publicly that I... trust... him, completely, and that anybody who doesn't is an ignorant, dumb... person. Okay? As a matter of fact, you show me a white man you trust and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam. Tell me a white person you trust.
Pam Beesly
My dad.
Michael Scott
...Danny Glover. (Jim raises hand) Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Jonas Salk.
Michael Scott
Who?
Jim Halpert
Justin Timberlake?
Michael Scott
Oh. Please. Colin Powell.
Karen Filippelli
Hey I got one.
Michael Scott
Yup.
Karen Filippelli
Jesus.
Michael Scott
Apollo Creed.

Scene 14

1 line
Michael Scott
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants... he says something ordinary like... 'yo, thats shizzle.' Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

Scene 15

4 lines
Martin
So... you all wanna know what I was in for?
Michael Scott
No. That's not cool. You don't have to tell them.
Martin
Um, I really don't mind. It was a stupid mistake. I was working in finance and, I... got involved in some insider trading. So, I spent a little time in the clink.
Michael Scott
(laughs) That is awesome.

Scene 16

1 line
Kevin Malone
I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for, because... it sounds an awful lot like what I do here every day.

Scene 17

18 lines
Pam Beesly
What was prison like?
Martin
Not terrible. Boring. We do the same thing every day. But... at least we got outdoors time.
Kevin Malone
You got outdoors time?
Martin
Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games...
Kevin Malone
Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?
Pam Beesly
Yeah, some days I never go outside.
Michael Scott
Well, we are running a business, so.
Meredith Palmer
What was your cell like?
Martin
Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes.
Pam Beesly
They have art classes?
Martin
Yeap. Yeah.
Ryan Howard
They have business classes there?
Martin
They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys--a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.
Pam Beesly
Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin.
Michael Scott
Ah. Well. That's not true.
Kevin Malone
I would so rather be in prison.
Ryan Howard
Prison sounds great.
Michael Scott
No you would not.

Scene 18

1 line
Michael Scott
This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.

Scene 19

3 lines
Creed Bratton
(singsong voice) Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?
Karen Filippelli
You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow.
Creed Bratton
Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo?

Scene 20

3 lines
Andy Bernard
Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?
Pam Beesly
Wow... I--
Andy Bernard
Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.

Scene 21

1 line
Pam Beesly
Wow. That was... wow.

Scene 22

1 line
Michael Scott
Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!

Scene 23

7 lines
Pam Beesly
Michael, it's freezing out.
Phyllis Vance
I can't feel my toes.
Michael Scott
Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?
Jim Halpert
What is that, like... five pounds?
Michael Scott
It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.
Stanley Hudson
I'm going back inside.
Michael Scott
Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time.

Scene 24

4 lines
Michael Scott
Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?
Martin
Yeah, in the rec room.
Michael Scott
Ah. A ten inch black and white?
Martin
Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.

Scene 25

1 line
Michael Scott
These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

Scene 26

17 lines
Jim Halpert
Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.
Andy Bernard
Yeah.
Jim Halpert
Quick question - do you play the guitar?
Andy Bernard
I play the banjo.
Jim Halpert
Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?
Andy Bernard
(singing) You know I can, my man.
Jim Halpert
Yup. That's perfect.
Karen Filippelli
Hey.
Jim Halpert
Hey.
Andy Bernard
I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car.
Jim Halpert
Perfect.
Karen Filippelli
What is going on?
Jim Halpert
...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.
Karen Filippelli
I love it. I want in. Who's the target?
Jim Halpert
...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but...
Karen Filippelli
Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.
Jim Halpert
Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else.

Scene 27

27 lines
Michael Scott
All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say "Boo" because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like (puts on bandanna). I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!
Angela Martin
Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael Scott
Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! (employees protest) All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. (points to Ryan) You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!
Ryan Howard
Michael, please. (Michael makes kissing noises)
Jim Halpert
Where... did you learn all of this?
Michael Scott
Internet.
Jim Halpert
So, not prison.
Michael Scott
And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.
Jim Halpert
What'd you do, Prison Mike?
Michael Scott
I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.
Jim Halpert
That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.
Michael Scott
And I nevah got caught, neither.
Jim Halpert
Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm.
Pam Beesly
Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?
Michael Scott
Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.
Andy Bernard
Wow. Prison sounds horrible.
Michael Scott
Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.
Dwight Schrute
Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?
Angela Martin
Don't encourage him, Dwight.
Michael Scott
The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!
Karen Filippelli
Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?
Michael Scott
No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. (turns around, takes bandanna off) So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?
Pam Beesly
Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.
Martin
Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison.
Michael Scott
Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go. (locks employees in conference room)
Jim Halpert
Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out.
Michael Scott
No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.

Scene 28

2 lines
Kevin Malone
(knocking on door) Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have--
Hannah
Shh!

Scene 29

1 line
Toby Flenderson
(answering phone) This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?

Scene 30

6 lines
Toby Flenderson
Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room?
Michael Scott
They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Toby Flenderson
Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will.
Michael Scott
Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.
Toby Flenderson
You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny.
Michael Scott
(unlocks door) Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!

Scene 31

1 line
Michael Scott
Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.

Scene 32

1 line
Andy Bernard
(singing) So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee...